Monkey News (blog)

Ooohh!!! Chimpanzee That!!! Monkey News is a blog created on 16 March 2008 by Ricky Gervais in response to Karl's recent lack of output and unwillingness to do more podcasts. The blog (named after the popular feature) revealed several facts about Karl that were previously unknown. Apparently, Karl does look at "the forums" (assumed to be primarily the Pilkipedia forums) and he generally does not like what is posted there about his work. Karl specifically did not like conspiracy threads against his true identity. In addition, it was revealed that Karl lives in a house in Kent and uses his flat in London as an office. Much to the surprise of fans, Ricky initially updated the blog frequently, even providing updates on Karl's reaction to previous blog posts. The blog also included past clips of podcasts at the end of each post. The blog is still currently active.

Fan Reaction

Reaction to the blog was mixed, but mostly involved surprise and disappointment. According to forum posts about the initial few entries, some fans were excited to see direct communication from Ricky. The fact that Karl actually looked at the forum also excited others with fans directly addressing him in response posts. However, the overall tone was shock that Karl was essentially stopping his output with Ricky and Steve, and that this may have been a direct result of the forum itself. Responses primarily consisted of fans asking for Karl's return, citing how much they appreciated his work, however a few others supported Karl's decision.

Archive

The following is an archive of the posts found in the blog.

Entry No. 1 - 16 March 2008

Since charging for the podcasts The Ricky Gervais show sold about 2 million episodes (plus a further 48 million free downloads). We're not saying how much Karl made from this but he now has a house in Kent as well as his Marylebone flat, which he keeps on as his office. We're not sure why he has an office as he rarely does any work now.

When he's not in his Kent retreat he is visiting either his girlfriend's parents in Manchester or his own parents in Wales (he did both the last two weekends for example). He is in Kent this weekend.

Whenever Ricky phones him and asks what he is up to work-wise, Karl usually replies "nothin' - no point".

Karl refuses to do any further podcasts because he is "sick of people moaning".

He still reads forums. Comments like "It's definitely scripted" and "Karl is a character whose real name is Graham" have annoyed Karl so much that last week he told Ricky that he wishes he could turn the internet off to see their "stupid fuckin' faces".

Apparently they don't like it when Karl swears either.

So with no more Pilkington available Ricky has decided to write a blog to report Karl's every move. Ricky is doing this to annoy Karl. Karl recons Ricky will be bored in a week.

He is probably right.

Enjoy a classic Monkey News here to celebrate the launch of this new blog

Entry No. 2 - 18 March 2008

Karl is still in Kent. He says there is no point going into London anymore as "everyone tries to rip you off there" (he got two parking tickets in one day).

He is also "sick of doing pointless meetings with people who don't know what they want". So he stayed down in Kent "playin' scrabble 'n' that".

I pointed out that if he did some work he would have money coming in as well as out. He said "I'm doin' another book and I can do that anywhere". I said, "But you're not doing the book; you're playing scrabble".

He replied, "I've learnt two new words that can go in the book". "What are they?" I said. "Tittle", he said. (So look forward to reading that word in the new publication) "What was the other word?", I said. (long pause) "Can't remember". Idiot.

There are still a few teething problems with his new coastal home. He had to have someone come round and sort out the windows. "That's 300 quid a window", he moaned. "How many windows do you have", I asked. "Loads", he said. "It's like a fuckin' greenhouse".

Well we all know about people who live in glasshouses...

Entry No. 3 - 19 March 2008

Karl is annoyed with me.

"Why did you mention I lived in Kent?" was the whinge. "Kent's a big place", I said. "No one will find you from that".

"They might", he said, "you've given 'em a challenge".

"Don't talk shit", I said. "How will they find you just from knowing you're in Kent? You gave away more when you said on The Culture Show that I chased you through the streets of central London to your flat".

"Yeah but the interesting bit in that story was the fact that a forty two year old world famous actor was chasing me through the streets. Not the fact that I lived in central London".

Good point. I laughed and said, "imagine if you start getting notes put through the door saying 'Karl Pilkington do you live here'?".

Karl said "I wouldn't worry. Not even the postman can get that right. Most of my letters are to Karl fucking Dilkington".

Entry No. 4 - 19 March 2008

Karl has realised that I'm not getting bored with this blog. He hasn't realised that the more it annoys him the more focused I am. He is now trying hard not to tell me anything. He is failing miserably.

He called me today and said "What do you know about the brain?"

He is writing his new book at the moment. It is about "Knowledge and learning and that".

I said, "Well I told you all about the fact that it's divided into two lobes joined by the corpus callosum". Silence. He'd forgotten everything already. (I'd spent ages the other week telling him about 1950's experiments where people had their corpus callosums cut and how the two sides of their brain could no longer communicate with each other.)

He said, "We start with a woman's brain". I said, "Well we all start out as women,; the foetus...".

"No", he said, "even after we're born we've got a woman's brain".

I was intrigued. "What do you mean"? I said. "I don't question your knowledge", he said.

"I'm not questioning it. What do you mean though"?

"Just got it off the internet", he said.

Of course he did.

Talking of the internet, thanks to all the websites that have plugged this blog, particularly pilkipedia.com. Someone on one of the forums wondered if I was doing this to annoy Karl or entertain fans of the podcasts...

Well both actually. And the beauty of it is, the more it entertains people, the more it annoys Karl. It's the perfect crime.

If you run a website or a fanzine or work on a radio station, please plug this blog and talk about the orange headed chimp-gimp that is forever Karl Pilkington.

Make posters if you own a shop and stick them in the window. Especially, if you live in Kent. Call Invicta radio and dedicate a song to him. People! Friends! Monkey fans! Come together and annoy Karl. He is your leader. He is your messiah! He is your God!

And he fucking hates it. Bear witness to Karl's heavenly judgement here.

Deletion

• The reference to "pilkipedia.com" was subsequently deleted.

Entry No. 5 - 19 March 2008

Genius Alert!

Urgent: You have to see this. This is the one of the best animations I have ever seen. This guy should win awards. He hasn't just animated it he's added to the comedy. I was honestly blown away by the style and attention to detail. Please tell your friends. And Joost Reijmers - whoever you are, you are a genius, and I would work with you tomorrow. (Well not tomorrow I've got to get some new sweatpants and have a hair cut). Brilliant. Check it out here at You Tube

Entry No. 6 - 21 March 2008

Karl and Suzanne came round for dinner tonight. Karl arrived first as Suzanne said she didn't know about the meal. Karl swore on his mother's life that he told her last night. She said, "I don't remember".

Karl said, "Of course I told you. Why didn't I text you today asking what was for dinner? Because we were eating out"

I said, "Do you text her every day to ask her what's for dinner?"

"Yes", they said.

According to Suzanne the first she heard about it was at 6.45pm tonight.

"Well you should've known something was up cos we usually eat by then", explained Karl

"We usually eat at about 8.30", said Suzanne.

Karl insisted, "No. Last night when Location Location Location started, we'd already finished eating, cos you were patting my back cos I had wind"

She was patting his back cos he had wind! Patting his back like a big bald six-foot baby. Unbelievable.

Karl had a brain-scan this week because he kept getting headaches. Luckily everything was normal.

"Well...", said Suzanne, "it looked very round".

I could not believe my luck. Even his fucking brain is round.
Here's a clip of Karl discussing brains and revealing in the process that his doesn't work

Entry No. 7 - 21 March 2008

Karl drove to Manchester again today for the long weekend.

Another holiday.

It annoys me a bit because he's not doing any work. The podcasts are still selling and he's just sitting back and receiving a fat cheque every month.

I am too but I'm doing something towards it; I'm trying to create new content and motivate him to give a little back.

"Why are you doin' anything for them?" he said. (He is referring to the people who say that the podcast is scripted and that his real name is Graham.)

I said, "I'm not doing anything for them, I'm doing stuff for the other 99% of the people who like what we do and still listen to the podcasts."

I think I'm getting through to him a bit as he eventually said he might do another show after I've finished the movie. So maybe in the autumn you can hear fresh talk of ghosts, Auntie Nora, and maybe even monkey news - the original Monkey news, not this blog.

I found an amazing photo of Karl on my iPhone that I took last night at dinner. Suzanne stands behind him and hangs her hair over his egg-like bonce to create the illusion of a chimp with a fringe. Unfortunately I had promised not to put it on the blog before he let me take it. I can't go back on my word but I will persuade him to change his mind somehow.

Here's a clip of Karl on the subject of hair where there shouldn't be hair

Entry No. 8 - 23 March 2008

Karl is still in Manchester and now he isn't even returning my calls. I've just left a message saying I'm going to the put the picture up of him with hair unless he calls me.

He was out of contact the entire time he was driving up there as he hasn't got a hands-free phone so doesn't answer any calls. That will be the same driving back too.

Why doesn't he take the train? That way he could work and answer his phone. Maybe it's because he's had odd experiences when travelling by rail.

Karl just called.

Not only is he away again, but the reason he hadn't called was that he'd forgotten his phone charger. He was calling from a house phone.

I said, "you just don't care any more do you?"

He said, "I've been doing stuff all day."

"What stuff?" I said.

"Lookin' at houses," he replied.

He's buying another house! Fuck me.

He's buying a house in Manchester but "not nowhere I've lived before."

Maybe there won't be another podcast after all. I can't imagine him being in one place long enough to actually record anything.

Lazy, coconut-headed Manc twat.

A nice little story about where he used to live.

Entry No. 9 - March 24 2008

Hello Monkey Fans.

Chimp boy is still in Manchester. I don't know if they've decided on a house yet but I will keep you informed.

I noticed that Karl is looking more simian by the day. His long arms are very hairy and as he approaches 40 he should start to stoop a bit hopefully.

Maybe he should buy a cage instead of a third house.

That reminds me; he went to the zoo the other day and told me he was annoyed that the sloth had such a big enclosure.

"Why shouldn't it have?" I said.

He replied, "It doesn't need it. It doesn't move. They could just stick it in a wardrobe."

Amazing.

Deletion

• A large portion of this blog post was subsequently deleted. The following is the deleted portion.

Doing this blog is fun but I realised that in dedicating my spare time to annoying Karl I have neglected by real vocation - annoying Robin Ince.

I could tell you what his nickname growing up was. But only if you promise to become a friend on his myspace page and start every entry with "Hey Tadpole..."

That was his nickname till he was about 18. Tadpole. He was called that initially by the bullies at his school because he had a big head and a tiny little body.

I think that's why he goes through phases of eating two or three meals at a time (when they're free that is). Poor Robin. I can't help but think I'm partly responsible for all this.

Still... swings and roundabouts. I will try my best to help him in any way I can.

• The deleted portion also included a YouTube link.

Entry No. 10 - 26 March 2008

Greetings chimp cadets.

Karl is back in London and is as miserable as ever. "Why don't we do a new podcast?" I asked for the 50th time.

"No point," he said.

"Why?" I said

"We've done it all. Steve gets annoyed if I mention insects, he's talked about girls and holidays, and you've told them you like cheese. Nothing left to talk about."

Incredible.

Talking of Karl's obsession with insects. When he was at the zoo last week apparently he spent 40 minutes looking at a stick-insect.

"40 minutes?" I said.

"Yeah, it was amazing. A kid had a stick-insect at school and it was shit. The one at the zoo looked exactly like a stick."

You're probably having the same thought I did when he said this to me...

"Did Karl spend 40 minutes looking at a stick?"

By the way we've disappeared from the top of the audiobook chart on iTunes. They were a bit concerned that for the last two years, we had been filling the top 3 positions of any chart they put us in. So they decided to move things around to give some other people a chance. However you can still find us and they've reassured us we will pop up again soon somewhere. Serves us right for being the most popular download.

Here's a classic insect clip with an amazing new photo illustration. A really brilliant piece of work.

Entry No. 11 - 26 March 2008

This blog has backfired.

The more I do it the more Karl annoys me.

Lazy, grumpy Manc gimp.

He doesn't want to do anything.

I think it's annoying him too, but the profit margin of irritation isn't enough for me.

To punish me for this diary he said today that he definitely won't do another podcast now.

"Why?" I said.

He replied, "how can I talk about me dodgy boiler now! Everyone will go 'fuck off winging, you've got three houses y' cunt!'"

We're back in the charts on iTunes by the way.

Don't bother buying anything though. Just watch stuff on youtube. That really pisses monkey boy off.

Entry No. 12 - 28 March 2008

Karl is living the good life now.

When he is not buying property around the country he is sitting at home with his finger up his arse moaning.

But today he really put the work in.

He did an interview and photo shoot for GQ magazine. He thinks he's David Beckham.

It's not all glamour apparently. When he arrived at the studio it was pointed out that he had dried bird shit down the back of his coat.

"I wonder how long that's been there?" he said. "Probably days. I've been in and out of museums and art galleries all week. I must've looked like a walking Jackson Pollock."

Maybe his life hasn't changed that much after all.

"And me boiler's still fucked but no one will believe me."

He mentions his boiler and swears in the same sentence. Here's what his fans think of that.

Entry No. 13 - 30 March 2008

We need to employ more drastic measures.

Karl is digging his heals in and going deep under cover.

We need to flush him out.

I've had an idea. We need to get a poster of the little egg-headed twat in every window in central London, Kent and Manchester.

It should just say "Congratulations to local boy Karl Pilkington. World's roundest head."
Like this.

Beg shop keepers to put it in the window for a week, Put it in your own window. Come on. I'll let you know the very first time he sees one and where it is. It could be yours.

Thank you.

This clip should make you want to get involved

Entry No. 14 - 30 March 2008

Karl called me today. I had just got to The Ivy. So I stood outside the restaurant by the cloakroom to take the call.

"Hello," I said.

"Alright," he mumbled quietly.

"What have you been doing all day," I said.

"I took me coat to the dry cleaners," he said.

"That's it?" I said.

"I've been reading about fish. When Jesus fed the 5000 with 2 fish and them loaves, was that each?"

"Of course it wasn't each. Why would that be a miracle? He had 2 fish and five loaves and he fed them all."

We discussed the fact that with 2 fish and five loaves of bread the fish sandwiches would be very bready, but a miracle none the less.

Then Karl said, "weren't the disciples fishermen? Why only two fish? And where did all the bread come from. Who was the baker?"

I said "I'd better go. I call you tomorrow."

All the time I was on the phone to Karl, a young chap had been standing by. It turns out he was waiting to speak to me. He introduced himself and said he was a fan of my work and in particular the podcasts.

I told him that I'd just been speaking to Karl on the phone. And he said, "I thought you were; when I heard you trying to explain feeding the 5000. I was going to interrupt you and say, 'has he really got a head like a fucking orange?""

Well he has got a head like a fucking orange, and someone has gone to the trouble of proving it here.

Entry No. 15 - 02 April 2008

Karl is going to Manchester again today to visit Auntie Nora.

It's not even the weekend and he's doing no work at all. He's basically given up.

"I'm just gonna do me book. I'm sick of pointless meetings with people in telly," he told me.

This blog was seen by 174,000 unique users last week. More than the film blog.

He is such an idiot. I think he's afraid that if he gets on TV people will shout "coconut head" at him in the street; and "you monkey brained twonk" or "you stupid little bald mank twat you've got a head like a fucking orange."

Well why don't you do that anyway. Come on. Get those posters up.

And I think I know why he is disillusioned with the entertainment industry. Because he thinks that TV shows like this could happen.

Anyway he's in Manchester visiting Auntie Nora.

"Hello Karl. Come in, sit down, hold your nose and start the stop watch I'm going for a new world record...

... and if you fancy a game of tennis..."

Entry No. 16 - 02 April 2008

I am currently shooting a Hollywood movie in New England which I have co-written and and am co-directing with Matt Robinson.

I am the lead in another Hollywood film called Ghost Town which is released in September.

I created The Office and Extras and have won many international awards and worked with some of the biggest stars in the world.

But I am more excited about this new website than any of those things.

Well done. Keep up the good work.

Entry No. 17 - 03 April 2008

People, countrymen, friends of the earth. It is now time to fight for all we believe in.

To fight for what we know is right.

It will not be an easy time. It may not be a peaceful time. It will be a time of joyful struggle. It will take resolve and a guided will.

And I know you will stand as one.

Brothers apart, bound by a common goal. To adorn this world with plumboid gimpocity. A testicular faced uber-twat.

A pilkumbular pandemic of mancunian proportions will reign globally.

But let us never forget our three main targets. Central London, Kent and Manchester.

Call Xfm, Capitol, Invicta, Key, all stations in these areas.

And posters. Posters. Posters. Everywhere. A warm, thick div-cloud over our lives.

He may not be himself at the moment. He may be lost. But you can find him and restore him to his former glory.

Let us now remember him how he once was. And how he can be again. Forever Karl. The man who shall always be described as having a Head like a Fucking Orange.