Fame Souvenir Program Podcast/transcript

Unless You've Downloaded This Illegally Off The Internet

Ricky: Hi. Welcome to ah - The Ricky Gervais Show, with me Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And the shaven monkey with a head like a fucking orange that is Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Well um, this is uh, uh, uh, a special edition - a free, a give-away podcast, um, uh that people who, uh came to see my show Fame in London got - put on their seat - gratis. Thanks for coming. Well unless you didn't even come and still got this free. Unless someone went "Well I don't want it he was rubbish", and gave it to you - you're listening to it for free -- OR you've sort of downloaded it illegally -- it was free anyway! Ahh... forget it! Um, we've been away for a while, now we're back together...

Steve: The old team.

Family Reunion

Ricky: The old team back together, in a little room in Central London. Karl! Looking back on the year, what's happened? I remember last year the most memorable thing that happened was you saw a grub eating a biscuit. So uh-

Steve: That was a highlight, I uh...

Ricky laughs.

Steve: That made it into his diary.

Ricky: Yeah! So uh, what's the big thing of this year, what's the big thing so far of 2007 that, as - if if I say 2007 you'll go "Oh yeah that was the year that--"...

Karl: Uhh...

Ricky: You know in 10 years time-

Karl: In years to come?

Ricky: Yeah, I'll go I'll go "Remember 2007?", you'll go "Course I do! It was the year that--"...

Pause

Karl: I haven't really been following what's going on cos' of other-other like personal issues-

Ricky: Well yeah what's the big - OK what's the big thing-

Karl: Just me boiler. The boiler's playing up still. Sick of it.

Steve: Yer what?

Karl: Me boiler.

Steve: Your boiler?

Karl: The boiler. That heats the water up and stuff - except it doesn't.

Steve: You know what I'd do in that situation, I'd instantly get a repair man out to sort it.

Karl: Done that. Done that. Twice. It was 80 quid-

Ricky snorts.

Karl: for him just to say "Yeah it looks like you need a new one". 80 quid call-out.

Ricky: Why don't you get a new one then?

Karl: Because, you, then you wondered are you meant to believe him or is he out to sort of-

Ricky: Well he's the expert.

Karl: Yeah but is he?

Ricky: Well I don't know.

Karl: It's like you need to get a second opinion aren't you like-

Ricky: So that was the first time then, so what was the second time, who came out the second time?

Karl: Same fella.

Ricky: Well what did he say-

Steve: I thought you were going to get a second opinion!

Ricky: Yeah, and also-

Karl: I called up the company and they just sent him again. Because-

Steve: Well call a different company!

Karl: No, no-

Ricky: What-what-what was his second opinion?

Ricky sniggers.

Ricky: 80 quid.

Ricky giggles.

Steve: "I under-charged you, it's 150."

Karl: No because they - they must look in the book and sort of go "Oh, you know - Harry, Harry went round there" or whatever. And uh, they must think "Well he went there last time, so he knows the situation-"

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And.. got the same fella again-

Ricky: Well - well and you got the same opinion, I assume?

Karl: Same, same answer, yeah.

Ricky: So - so okay, so that's - that's two - so twice you've called someone out, they've said "You need a new boiler." He had the overalls on holding a monkey wrench again, he came in a van, he charged ya. He's the professional. Why haven't you got a new boiler?

Karl: Because then he went to - he went on to say that, you know it's a dangerous setup I've got...

Ricky snorts.

Karl: Uh, it shouldn't be setup the way it is, it's dangerous.

Ricky giggles.

Karl: Something about gas leaking out of it.

Ricky giggles.

Karl: He said, "You don't - you don't sleep close to this, do you?"

Ricky torts.

Karl: And it's like, well, "The bedroom's there." It's not a big flat - you've seen it Steve."

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Everything's on-suite, innit?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: So, so, like, so, so, he - he went on to say-

Ricky: "Everything's on-suite", oh dear..

Karl: So ah, so anyway, so he - he's just sort of said "Look", you know, he doesn't want to touch it, he said "You need to get someone in who can sort this out for you, but-

Steve: What, and it took him two visits and 160 quid to figure that out?

Karl: Yeah. This is what they do innit?

Steve: Yeah..

Ricky: So, so, what's his advice?

Karl: Um, he just said, you know "There are people out there who will touch it, if you pay the right money."

Ricky: Well okay, so you're going to get an expert in who does this thing and sorts it out so-

Karl: Well no, I called up me dad.

Ricky: Oh yeah?

Steve: Oh yeah?

Karl: Because he always knows someone who can sort stuff out. And he said uh, "Oh one of yer cousin's is a boiler man." And uh.. yeah, they're - they're comin' round - but I've never met em'-

Ricky quietly chuckles.

Karl: And it turns out that person - because like the whole family - you know I'm, I'm not into sort of keeping in touch with people?

Steve: Sure.

Karl: I haven't spoken to me brother for like, I dunno, 12 years, and-

Ricky snorts.

Karl: Sister about 15 years, and that. So, the idea of this cousin, who I've - uh, uh, I mean, he might as well have not have said he's my cousin, because I'm not going to know him anyway, I mean - that last fella - Harry, might as well have been related to him.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: So, so they're going to turn up, and now it turns out that because I haven't seen the rest of the family, they're going to like use this as a reunion.

Ricky: Ahh..

Steve: What, so they're all going to come round whilst-?

Karl: They're all, they're all - they're all comin' round.

Steve: Whilst he fixes the boiler?

Karl: Yeah. And I hate it. I hate, I hate family things anyway.

Ricky: So they're come round and just look at you.

Karl: Well, yeah, apart from the one who's fixin' it, he'll be fixin' it, and the other's will just be sat around sort of goin' "So, how've you been?", and it's like, well, "Where do you start?"

Ricky and Steve quietly chuckle

Karl: I haven't - I haven't seen, I - seriously, I mean they are strangers.

Ricky laughs

Karl: When they buzz, I - I could be letting anyone in.

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Karl: When they buzz the door. So-

Steve: And so you're going to entertain them all in your - in your flat, your tiny little flat?

Karl: Well I said to me dad that I might just say that "I've gotta go to a meeting", let em' in, and then shoot off.

Ricky: I love that. So now, they're strangers that you're letting in your flat and you're not even being there.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's, that's the best thing, that's such security.

Steve chuckles

Who The FUCK Is Clive Warren?!

Ricky: Now, Karl says he'll remember this year for his boiler, um being a bit of a pain. But, now everyone knows over the past sort of like few years, my big pet project -- it hasn't been my own career - it's been 'Get Karl Famous'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I want people to recognize him in the street, come up to him and say "You bald-headed Manc twat." Make his life - I - I want-

Steve: Well, let me tell you now Rick-

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I've been out and about and a lot of people have said to me - they've come up to me and said "Has Karl Pilkington got a head like a fucking orange-

Ricky: Well I've-

Steve: And I've had to instantly confirm the answer to be "Yes".

Ricky: Well, I'm in eh - America quite a bit, and it doesn't matter if I'm talking to David Bowie, The Simpsons, all these people, people on 24, all these people - who have got these amazing careers and lives - say "Is Karl Pilkington really like that?" I say "Yes", he's, he's "not two short planks, he's three or four fucking short fucking planks."

Steve: Thick planks. Thick, but short. Short, but thick planks.

Ricky: Yeah. Fucking lumps of thickness. But... he's had a call. He had a call recently, from a film company asking him if he's got any ideas for movies. Now, how desperate, how - in what dire straits must be British film industry be that they're going-

Steve: They're turning to Karl Pilkington-

Ricky: Yeah, "We need Karl Pilkington." We have hit rock bottom. And he went along for an interview.~

Steve: So what, and you went in, and you...

Karl: I went - I went along and um... had a meeting... uhh... in a Café. And uh, they just said "Right, you know, got any ideas?" And uh, I sort of said you know "What you thinking? What sort of thing are you after, are you after Action, Thriller, whatever?"

Steve: Because you can provide any of that, sure.

Ricky: I love that, that he's playing it cool, like you've come to the right person-

Steve: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: "My time's precious, what do you need?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Yeah I'm Karl Pilkington, yeah yeah, they-they eh, they call me The Movie Doctor, what'd you need pucker?

Karl: So I thought of this idea, sort of on the spot, um...

Steve: Good. Planning.

Karl: No, but sometime's that's how good ideas come up don't they, just-just random-

Steve: A lot of yours have come up, yeah...

Karl: No, but when - if you just talk, I find that your mouth... comes out with stuff.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Right there's another quote! There is another quote.

Steve: Right, right. "If you talk, your mouth comes out with stuff."

Ricky: That, that, that, that to me, is - stands along with "What are those things in Gremlins called?", "Does your brain rule you, or do you rule your brain?", uh-

Karl: No, but what I mean - if, if you sit there, and try to use your brain to do it-

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It doesn't work the same. Just - just keep talking, just keep your mouth talking. And eventually it will come out with something pretty good.

Ricky: That is exactly what Plato said.

Karl: So uh.. so anyway-

Ricky: To Aristotle, he said "Sit down I've got an idea for you". Aristotle said Plato "How do I-?" He said "Right. Just keep talking and eventually your brain will come out with stuff."

Karl: So what I thought, I just started off by saying like actors names, and that, who I thought should be in it, cos' then that's giving - giving more - it's building.

Ricky and Steve: Right who did you say?

Ricky: Who did you say?

Karl: So I said, right I'm seeing uh... Clive Warren.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: WHO THE FUCK'S CLIVE WARREN?

Steve: Who's Clive Warren?

Karl: The one who was in, Closer.

Ricky and Steve: Clive Owen.

Karl: Right, alright-

Ricky: Did they look at you like you're a fucking idiot?

Karl: Well I-

Steve chuckles.

Steve: So they - they all started trying to figure out "Who's this Clive Warren we've not heard about? He must be amazing!"

Ricky: "Clive Warren! Get me Clive Warren on the phone! Get me Clive Warren!"

Karl: And I said uh, and Rebecca De Mornay. Alright?

Steve: What??

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Where did that come from?!

Steve: She hasn't been in a film for 15 years, has she?

Ricky: Clive Warren, and Rebecca De Mornay. I love this.

Steve: You could have-

Ricky: They thought he was a genius! They thought he was an absolute - they're going "We've never thought of putting Clive Warren with Rebecca De Mornay!~

Ricky bellows with laughter.

Steve: But hang on a minute, you could have - you could have any film-star, this is your fantasy casting-

Ricky: Oh God. Yeah I know, yeah!

Steve: And you choose a bloke who doesn't exist, and a woman who hasn't been on TV or in a film for 10 years.

Ricky: Oh God, oh-

Steve: Why didn't you choose, like- you know eh-

Ricky: Someone who existed!

Steve: J.Lo, or someone who's a big star?

Ricky: Oh God! Clive-

Steve: Rebecca De Mornay!

Ricky: Clive Warren! Ooh ho God! Oh God.

Karl: So anyway, so they were going "Yeah". And what happens is, they're going out... and - together and that.

Ricky: Yeah. Clive Warren and Rebecca De Mornay.

Karl: Yeah. I said, "It's one of them where it starts off-

Ricky snorts.

Karl: And the people, you know, you're seeing into their lives from like the morning-

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: So it's a nice sunny day.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Radio's on. Uhh, you know, they're going about the day, they're having the breakfast, they're saying "Oh what're we doing tonight?". They're planning a bit do that night, and stuff. And you're thinking "Oh they've got a nice life."

Ricky: Hmm.

Karl: She's - she's like, "Love you and all that." Yeah? He walks out the house, get's hit by a bus.

Steve: Ahh!

Karl: So Clive Warren's-

Steve: Dead.

Karl: Dead, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Now, what happens is - she's devastated - Rebecca-

Ricky: I don't know if Clive Warren will take that part-

Steve: Cos' he hasn't got much to do, has he?

Ricky: No, I - if I - if I know Clive Warren-

Steve: And I think you do!

Ricky: I think I do! Um, he's going to say -- hold on though. There's more isn't there? I've- I've-

Steve: Have you jumped the gun there, Rick?

Ricky: Go on mate! C-carry on. So he's hit by a bus, so he's dead.

Karl: So he's hit by a bus and that. The title's come up.

Ricky: Ooohh.

Karl: It's got ya. Right?

Ricky: Starring Clive Warren.

Karl: She's devastated. She's fed up. She's devastated and that. Umm.. doctor says .. "Clive's dead." Urm-

Ricky: Ricky quietly laughs.

Steve: And who's playing the doctor? Jack Nicholson-house.

Karl: Urm, sort of err, what's that fella who was in Independence Day?

Steve: Um, Will Smite?

Karl: No, the - the - the old, the old black fella?

Steve: Um.. uh, Morgan Friedman?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Get him in. He's the doctor.

Ricky: Morgan Friedman, yeah?

Steve: Yeah!

Karl: He says.. "Your husband's dead."

Steve: Right.

Karl: She's like, "Oh God...". What happens then is, he says "But listen, what we can do now.. We can take the brain out.."

Steve and Ricky: Right.

Karl: And - and - and a fact that I read that day, before the meeting - this isn't in the film though, this is me-

Steve: Right but lucky, yeah luckily you've read the fact..

Karl: I read a thing about how the brain can - it can run on half of it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You've actually got a full brain.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Steve: Some of us have!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You can run it on half. You can run it on half.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, this is- this was in my mind still. So I thought "I'll get that in".

Steve: Well, half your mind, yeah.

Karl: So, I said, "What happens is, Morgan Freeman says "I've been working on this. You can run - you can run your life on half a brain.""

Ricky and Steve: Right.

Karl: She's sort of - a bit like, "What are you telling me this for now? Me - me husband's just died, like 20 minutes ago?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he goes, "Yeah but - if we're going to do this, we've gotta act quick." She's like "Do what?" He said "I'll tell ya..." He says.. we can - whilst his brain's not fully dead-", cos' it stays awake for a bit when he got killed-

Ricky: Oh he's not dead then, fine. Wait til' it comes alive. Whaddaya mean? *sniff*

Karl: No no, but he is. He is, he is. But they've found out that it stays awake a little bit-

Ricky: No, no no no no no.

Steve: No, he's gone. He's been hit by a bus. He's dead.

Ricky: Yeah, no he's dead. If the brain's dead, you are dead.

Steve: Clive Warren's dead.

Ricky: And if the brain's not dead, you're not dead!

Karl: No, but it's like people in a coma, they're dead aren't they but the brain isn't dead-

Ricky: No no-

Steve: No no no, they're in a coma.

Ricky: No they're not dead. No, they come out of comas don't they?

Karl: Alright then, he's in a coma. He's been hit by the bus, but the chances are - he's not gonna come out of that coma, but his brain is still awake.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Karl: So, change that. That's easily done.

Ricky: Hold on though. I- I like this fact that he's in a coma, so they're going "Look, he's definitely going to die in this coma. Take the brain out now. Pop the brain out."

Karl: But why's that such a weird thing when that's what they do now? That's what they do now.

Ricky: What is??

Karl: That's what they do.

Ricky: What??

Karl: They do that!

Steve: What!!??

Ricky: What- what- what- what- what- what, a brain transplant?

Karl: No, but when - like, how I - how I've signed that donor card-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If anything happens to me.