01 December 2001/Transcript

(still in progress JoeW)

Song: Muse -

RG Muse on Xfm 104.9 (SM absolutely), Ricky Gervais show innit
SM With Steve Merchant
RG Yeah, yeah, we're all here, Karl (SM ooh the lads), I can't wait (SM I can't believe it). We've got some great stuff coming up Steve (SM What've you got planned?), I'm being honest (SM go on), there's some great tunes, we've got, aww, there's too many to mention (SM don't mention them then). Well, there's about 20 actually (SM is there?) - we could mention them (SM looking forward to them). I've got a brand new feature as well (SM OK), you know I do my film review (SM loving it), and we do "Run for the Covers", and "Song for the Lovers", got a new feature (SM go on) - "That Film Sounds Good" (SM right!) - not the film review, it's a track from a film (SM that's brilliant Rick), er, That Film Sounds Good, something like that
SM Yeah, people will be desperately looking forward to that
RG And there'll just be some chat as well
SM There'll just be some nattering, Karl, have we got anything to give away this week?
KP No
SM oooh, that's a shame (RG yeah), I quite like giving stuff away, makes me feel quite powerful.
RG You know in the week, are there any meetings, like, "oh, what shall we give Ricky and Steve to give away?", 'cos I'll see lots of trailers for the breakfast show and that, or do they go "who?", "Ricky Gervais, comes in Saturdays", "Saturdays? I don't work Saturdays", "no, but it's still on the air on Saturday", "is it?" (SM Who listens on a Saturday?), yeah "between 1 and 3 - ooh, that's the worst time isn't it"
KP They sort of hear you taking the micky out of what tickets you're given, and this week, you could have had St Etienne, but they said "no, we'll hold them back"
RG I love we're being punished (SM yeah) yeah
SM But I tell you what we're being punished for - for being subversive and rock 'n' roll (RG yeah), is that a crime, Rick? I don't think so, high 5 (laughs) you've got to hit the hand or else (RG yeah I know) otherwise it sounds embarrassing (RG but you're a lot taller than me, aren't you), but, just...high 5 (clap), yes! Sweet (RG play a record)

Song:Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Love Burns

RG Black Rebel Motorcycle Club there and Love Burns, Xfm 104.9, we're really swinging now (SM we are), so much better than last week
SM Last week was appalling, I don't want to talk about it
RG Well, it wasn't too bad actually, apparently, no erm, I said "we were really off then, and Steve was hung-over, and I was tired, and we couldn't be bothered", and they were going "no, as good as any other week", which is pretty disappointing, isn't it, you want them to go "well I tell you what - it was the worst one ever, and it was still brilliant", as opposed to "it was one of the best! ...but rubbish" Yeah, good, so we're going to really...
SM We're going to up the ante today - (clapping) come on Karl! Cheer up!
RG Let's make this, Karl, let's make this the best show ever
SM Alright, shall we have a big group hug (RG yeah), oh Karl, come round
RG No, let's have a big group lick (SM yeah)
SM Karl come on...awww (RG awww look at his little face) look at his face, you can see why the ladies love him, he's a cute guy (RG howls), no, your a cute guy - and I'm not having a go, no, I genuinely think you are, so don't have a go back at me
RG Oh - I've got some news for you Steve (SM go on), where is it (ruffles paper), right, Company magazine are compiling a 50 most eligible bachelors feature (SM ding dong), for the May issue 2002, right, these are the requirements: single - that means available, not just unmarried; aged 20 to 30 - you're well in there (SM I'm straight in there);ermm C ermm D (SM oy oy what was C) C is ermm, it says "good looking", err (SM fine, yeah, I'm eligible so far), and it says - ahh no, this is what rules you out probably, it says "not necessarily Brad Pittesque", and you are a little bit (SM ha well, so they say), must be British, and come from one of the following regions: London, South East, South West (SM that's me), I think they just name all the regions of Britain (SM yes, they could just say "from Britain"), erm , employ..sorry Karl, go on...
KP Is there a height restriction, or anything like that (RG laughs)
SM So what is this? is this a serious thing (RG yeah) what is it?
RG It's the most eligible bachelor
SM This is so me - "do you know any boys who'd be suitable for us Company girls, past bachelors have included TV presenters, Dermot O'Leary..." hey - I'm in with Dermot O'Leary, he knows me, "Jamie Theakston"...
RG yeah, it's not the most eligible person who knows a bachelor
SM The models Rob Warrington and James Polanski (RG yeah), the singers Linden David Hall, and Richard Blackwood. Wouldn't necessarily consider him a singer, err (RG controversial - he's having a dig at Blackwood). Hey, I'll tell you this (RG go on), I was watching the trailer for "The Farmer Wants a Wife", which is a show where I think farmers, 'cause obviously it's very difficult for them to meet women (RG want a wife?), and I'm thinking "hello, idea, Steve Merchant wants a wife" (RG it's not bad is it), it's a TV show (RG who sounds a bit like a farmer), exactly, what I'm saying is, I don't mind the public voting for the woman, if that's how it happens, 'cos, you know, who cares? I'll have anything, whatever they can choose, fine, you know (RG sniggers), Steve Merchant wants a farmer! Even better. (RG Steve Merchant wants it) yes Steve Merchant wants it, I'm thinking, ermm, maybe the Bravo channel on cable, or ITV2, it's an idea, Rick, I'm just running it up the flagpole.
RG Yeah, we'll think about that, erm, phone...don't phone in, it's not worth it. Let's play some more music.

Song: Eminem - Slim Shady

RG There is a Slim Shady in all of us, that was Eminem, Xfm 104.9, Steve
SM Yeah, I was just thinking, with Karl, he likes to have a little dig every so often about, you know, err, my success with the ladies, but I tell you, you'd have been proud of me last night, no listen, you'd have been proud of me. I was walking back from the shops, I was carrying 2 cans of weak lager - it was Friday night, Rick, time to go a bit crazy (RG yeah) - and there was this woman coming the other way who must have been 50, 55, staggering down the street, dressed in kind of rhinestone cowboy type outfit, really weird, never seen her before (RG Parton? Was it Parton), (laughs) it wasn't Dolly, and she was staggering down the road, just "argh" just shouting, and this truck drove by, and she just went "oyy! Come over here, come over here", and the car just drove by, whatever, and she walks over to me, and she saw me coming, saw the beer in my hand, she couldn't believe her luck, and she stopped, and she tried to stop me, and I stepped one way to try and go past her, she stepped there and blocked my way, so she blocked the other way, and she went "come here, come here", like trying to motion, and I was really scared, it was like some (RG you...you looked around and thought "beggars can't be choosers")...but this is... then for a minute I was thinking "well, you know, it's Friday night" (RG laughs), I'm in a mood to make whoopee, but, I thought it's probably best to avoid it, and I actually managed to run away, and avoid her, and she kept shouting at me as I was running down the road, "come with me, come with me", but I legged it. But, I was thinking, it was like some kind of Hansel and Gretel nightmare, you know what I mean - like an old lady in your way.
RG Yeah, you go in there, and there's loads of other people that look just like you (SM exactly), and they're getting very very thin (SM exactly "we've been here for years"), in chains, yeah yeah
SM But I thought you would have been proud of me, there was, that was, a woman on a plate (RG so to speak), and err, I just turned it down.
RG yeah, yeah,
SM Exactly, you see - so not so desperate
RG You went home and went "what have I done?"
KP Seeing her again tonight then?
SM Well, I'm just going to hang around by the offy, see what happens, you know.

RG Looking forward to Christmas?
SM Loving it, I'm always a big fan of Christmas actually, I'm not a bah-humbug type
RG It's not far now is it, it's, err, this month now, is it?
SM Is it?, is it December?
RG Is it the first?
KP Yeah
SM Jeez
RG (laughs) Jeez - Jesus, yeah, brilliant
SM I was quite excited because this week in the papers, the Sun, and I think it was all the other papers actually, had the first of the giveaway TV supplements that comes, listing all the shows that are on (RG Oh, I love them), but when they bring them out this early, you open it, and you think "oh I want to see what films are on" and stuff, and you open it, and about half of the listings are "to be confirmed". It's an utter waste of time, but it's like, who is planning their film and TV watching this early? It's a little bit early to be worrying about that
RG yeah, 3 weeks in advance, going "oh I'd better not make any ...", well unless it's an amazing thing on telly...
SM "Are you coming to our party? We've got one, Friday 29th", "err, I dunno, I've got to watch something on the TV, there's a good film", "what is it?", "not been confirmed yet, but I'm just..."
RG "It's to be confirmed, but I can just say this - I won't be at the party", yeah.
SM It's strange.
RG But I remember when I was little, my sister used to work in WH Smiths, and she used to come home every Thursday, she'd been paid, big bag of sweets, for me (SM lovely), and the TV Times (SM the TV Times, of course, 'cos you're working class), the TV Times (SM the Radio Times for a classier middle class gentleman like myself), yeah, but the bumper edition at Christmas, that's like 2 weeks of telly, I'd sit down, with my sweets, and we'd tick off all the things we were going to watch over the next 2 weeks (SM that's really tragic), didn't happen, did it, 'cos of course I was squeezing around, hyper-active, making people play with my toys, and not watching telly really.
SM But I bet if you'd watched any telly, it'd have been some really rubbish stuff, the whole family, all sat , I imagine, Denis Norden's Laughter File Volume 12, or whatever it is (RG I don't think Denis Norden was going then), whereas you see, we, in our house, of course we'd often just switch off the TV, we'd just perhaps listen to a concerto on Radio 3
RG ooh, yeah, we weren't allowed to turn the telly off, really
SM I don't know what a concerto is - I've just said that word. I assuming...
RG I know what a concerto is, it's like a, just a posh word for concert, innit?
SM I think so
RG Is it? (laughs) What's a concerto?
SM Maybe it's one of those instruments, the kind of squeeze box.
RG ...that's a concertina, yeah
SM My Nan used to play a concertina (RG really?), yeah, I don't know if that's interesting to you, I don't know why you'd choose the concertina, of all the instruments to play, I mean it's not the sexi...it's only sailors normally play...
RG Well, my Nan used to have one, but she double it up as an iron lung (SM nice), which was good, and so when she had a bit of an attack, we not only were warned, we had a little tune (SM that's beautiful), as well (SM could you play your gran?), you could play yeah, yeah (laughs). Once she had a bit of an accident, she said, sit down kids, and she had a corrugated neck (SM ah of course), where it had gone horribly wrong.
RG It..
SM do..
RG go on..
SM what were you going to say?
RG It's happening again, Steve
SM What's happening?
RG It's going all wrong (KP yeah), we're talking rubbish (SM are we?), yeah
KP We should've played two in a row
RG He's having a go isn't he!
SM Blimey

Song: Gorillaz - Rock The House

RG Gorillaz, Rock The House, Xfm 104.9
SM Who are you?
RG Ricky Gervais, who are you?
SM Steve Merchant (RG yeah), yeah, nice, sweet
RG Together again, I can't believe it (SM The old team), they said it'd never happen
SM plus Karl, he presses the buttons
RG yeah, let's not draw attention...to him
KP a'right
RG We were talking about squeeze boxes (SM yes), and it got me to thinking - what's happened to 'em.
SM You don't see them
RG Do you know what I mean? Instruments should be around forever, the piano-forte (SM aha, it's a classic), as I call it, been around forever, they invented it, it's around, you know, the saxophone was only, I think, the 20s or 30s, but I can't imagine it going away.
SM There's a number of instruments probably dying out, (RG lute), the lute, the lute you rarely see now
RG Except maybe on Men Without Hats
SM What's Men Without Hats?
RG Or Marillion (SM right), Men Without Hats - "we can dance if we want to", and Pierre Trudeau's daughter was in that video.
SM Who was that we saw in the sandwich shop yesterday?
RG ...well...he might not want us...he might not want people to know he was in a sandwich shop
SM It's fine, it just shows that he's human
RG Bruce Dickinson - he didn't recognise him, I went "look, Bruce" (SM Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden), had no idea who he was
KP Little fella isn't he
SM He's really tiny, it was almost laughable, is he married? That'll annoy me.
RG (laughs) You've just alienated yourself from a lot of heavy metal fans now (SM ooh, I'm scared),'cos he's pretty much of a guru
SM They never leave their bedrooms, Rick
RG But they've got powers. They're putting crystals now on toads, and they're going to turn you into a...
SM ha ha, alright, don't start having a go!
RG I wasn't having a go, I stopped myself, realising it wasn't much of a threat
SM Rick, what else is dying out? (pause) Pipes, (RG pipes) you never see people smoking pipes (RG why don't you?), young people now not smoking pipes - you see old people, you're right, but kids, who've got to start taking up pipes, otherwise they're going to die out, the people of the older generation, they're going to die soon. I'm not smoking a pipe - I should be.
RG With pipes, though, was it the fashion that when you smoked, you started at a young age, and then carried on, or did you just start at 50?
SM But, no, if you see, like, shots of professorial types from the 1930s, when they're at Oxbridge, they're always smoking pipes, in their tweed jackets (RG yeah), that was when they started
RG Yeah, but they still do - there's lots of things, that should die out in the rest of the world, carry on in Oxbridge colleges (SM but my point is...) - boaters
SM alright, alright, all I'm saying is, not even in Oxbridge now, they're not even smoking pipes
RG I bet there is someone
SM There's no one smoking pipes (RG there is). Right I'd like to know if there's anyone listening, who's under the age of 30, that smokes a pipe regularly, and I don't mean like a crack pipe...
RG And I'll guarantee that they went to Oxford or Cambridge
SM Right, what's the number
KP (gives number)
SM What's the email
KP (gives email)
SM Pipes are dying out, snuff, that's as good as gone (RG yeah, yeah, trilbys). My friend always said that if he won loads of money on the lottery, he'd like to try really hard to bring back, as a fashion accessory, the cape.
RG I quite like the cape
SM The cape's brilliant, 'cos you can mask your face with it, Dracula-like
RG Yeah, you can have it off, but still on, and on, but still off (SM exactly). Like a coat, if you drape it across your shoulders, can fall down...
SM Karl - you're not a fan of the cape?! You're turning your nose up at the cape - that's a madness!
KP No pockets
SM (laughs) Good point, you could have some kind of inner smugglers pocket
KP if they did that I'd buy one (RG & s laugh)
RG Well, I'll tell you what - That Sounds Good - It's "That Sounds Good", it's just gone half past, it's the new feature, "That Sounds Good"!
SM I can't believe it - for a minute there, I was completely lost, remind me again, what's "That Sounds Good"? ... No, hang on, it's "That Film Sounds Good"!
RG ...Oh Yeah! "That Film Sounds Good" (laughter) Right, this isn't my famous film review, which I've got coming up, look forward to that - it's brilliant, it's quite a delicate subject, but I think I can deal with it sensibly (SM really), ermm, this is "That Film Sounds Good")
SM Remind us again what this feature is
RG Well, I'm going to pick a song from a film, from the soundtrack, right. I'm choosing a song from Jacky Brown, great film (SM yeah, brilliant film), and this is "Across 110th Street", by Bobby Womack (SM wonderful song). You'll only like this if you're really cool (SM yeah, if you're really cool, like, say, us)

Song: Across 110th Street - Bobby Womack

RG ooh yeah, Bobby Womack, Across 110th Street. It's great isn't it? (SM that's a lovely feature actually), and that's the first feature - wooh - "That Film Sounds Good" (SM brilliant). I'm thinking of actually bringing out a compilation of song (SM I'd love to hear it) for the lovers.
SM What sort of things can we expect to hear in the future? 'Cos I know you're a big fan - this is brilliant - he bought, right, the soundtrack to the film Braveheart, which is just big orchestrated numbers (RG James Horner), and as far as he's concerned, that's classical music (RG hoots). He's got a classical music CD in his collection - it's the music from Braveheart.
RG ohh, ohh, I just sit there, and I think, "I'd probably lead my peoples..."
SM He's obsessed with Braveheart, he actually relates to William Wallace, he actually thinks, "yeah that's the sort of thing I'd be doing" (RG Yeah, it is, no). What was it you were working out to the other day, as well? You know he's got a personal, like, gymnast, or whatever it is (RG arrgg god!), what's it called - it is it a gym expert, a trainer, you've got a personal...(RG no, I box with this bloke...) Yeah, he goes boxing in, like, some underpass somewhere (RG (cracks up)) right, every day (KP no way), every single day, (RG not every day), he goes boxing, right, and what was it...what did you tell me you were training to this week? (RG oh god, oh this...) What music did you have on?
RG Oh my god. I have actually - now I never do this - but I have actually gone red, haven't I?
SM Yes (RG right) It's Very hard to embarrass Ricky Gervais.
RG I was working out, and training, and boxing (giggles), you're going to have to play a record after this, to the Rocky soundtrack.
SM To the Rocky soundtrack - he's bought, right, a CD which has got the best music from all of them - now was it "Eye of the Tiger", or was it...
RG It's starts with Eye of the Tiger, then it goes (sings and drums on mic) "Hearts on fi-ire", then it goes "dun dun duga dun", that's "de de daah, de daah" (Rocky theme tune)
SM Does any of your training, with your trainer, does it ever involve you running through snow, with a log chained to your back, like in Rocky 4
RG Yeah, and I often have to help Russian peasants, 'cos their carthorse has fallen over (SM of course), but I lift it up, whereas the other fella's training in posh gyms having injections - I'm not, I'm just like, breaking rocks, and punching dead cows (SM laughs)
(snippet of Eye of Tiger starts playing)
SM Where'd you get that from ?!
KP That was handy weren't it?
SM Put it on
RG What is it?
SM He can't hear, put your headphones on, (RG why was it..) you'll love it, you'll love it
(another snippet)
RG Yeah
SM That's magnificent. That's now Ricky Gervais' theme tune. Every time we start the show, we should just start with that.
RG Win Ricky, win.

Song: U2 - Walk on

In Progress...(19:31)