03 January 2004/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 03 January 2004 episode, from Xfm Series 3.

The Public Have Been Waiting

Ricky: Kings Of Leon, California Waiting. Steve, the public have been waiting for us to return.

Steve: Well that's true enough.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: They had the Best Of...

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: ...last week.

Steve: I bet that was a joy.

Ricky: They had Camfield and us, without Karl, the week before, but it's er, been a while since we've all been together. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me is Steve Merchant, and over there, with his little sunburnty baldy head, little Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Wheeey!

Steve claps

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Yep. Tha-that wasn't Steve slapping my head then, by the way.

Ricky: No, that was just him clapping, like Steve Wright in the afternoon...

Steve: It's a great show.

Ricky: ...cos he's, he's so....it is a great show.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's so pleased that we're a posse, and we're all back together. That's three holidays Karl's had this year. Last year.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'd love to have three holidays. You've got to start putting the work in...

Karl: No, I had two holidays, though.

Ricky: No, you had three holidays! You went away with, er, Suzanne and her parents.

Karl: Yeah, well that doesn't count.

Ricky: It does count. If you book..if you book two weeks off the firm, and you go away, and you go "How was your holiday go?" "Well, it didn't really count, it wasn't a really good holiday. Can I have them days back please?" You.....oh. My new year's resolution is to be nicer to you. But...

Steve: Well done, you've already broken that.

Ricky: ...talk sense. No, but talk sense. Talk sense. You've had three holidays this year, and I'm just saying. You-you're in your thirties now, and thirties is when you should really be putting the work in...

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: ...to reap the benefits in your forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties and a hundred.

Steve laughs

Steve: Karl, what's your new year resolution? What about 'think before you speak'?

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's worth..it...

Ricky: See, I'm allowed to laugh. I'm allowed to laugh at things other people say, Karl. That one...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That is a good suggestion! How was your holiday, Karl?

Karl: Errr.......it was alright.

Ricky: Right. Brilliant.

Steve: But that, I don't see...on the kind of, on the ratio of good to bad in Karl's mind, that might be amazing...

Ricky: That might be amazing.

Steve: ...'cause we never hear him singing the praises of anything.

Ricky: I tell you what, can we have a, you know, cracking little tune, then come back and hear about Karl's holiday?

Steve: I'd love to do that.

Ricky: Let's keep it tight.

Keep A Couple, Fill The Rest In

Ricky: Love Will Tear Us Apart, by Joy Division. Now, I can't put my finger on it, but that doesn't sound like the original. And it's off a compilation. It sounded a bit fast, I think the vocal's slightly different. If anyone can, you know, put me out my misery, I think it might have been a session of the time, or something.

Steve: Karl, here's a little new year resolution for you, another one. Maybe when we ask you to get a song, get the er, original single version...

Ricky: I could be wrong.

Steve: ...and not some obscure session.

Ricky: It does seem different, doesn't it?

Steve: Very odd.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Maybe we just remember it wrongly. But anyway, that's XFM for you. 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant; Karl Pilkington. Karl, you went to Lanzarote. People said "don't go to Lanzarote", they told you it was Lanze-grotty, they told you, were they right or wrong?

Karl: They were right, yeah.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: Yeah, it's a bit ropey, yeah.

Ricky: Is it, why?

Karl: Just er....nowt there. If it wasn't for the...for the volcano they had, they'd be knackered.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That's their...that's their big draw is it?

Karl: That's, that's it basically. That's all they've got going for them.

Steve: When you landed, was it really hot, did you..initally were you quite excited, you were thinking "this is okay"?

Karl: Yeah it was warm, it's, you know, can't complain about the weather, the weather was alright.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You know what I mean? That's what I went for, but it'd be nice if...if there just was something else.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What did you do all day then? Did you read your Rich Hall book?

Karl: Err, no, I didn't read that. I read that book, do you know that book that I bought and all the chapters were messed up?

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: I bought a better version of that.

Ricky: Oh right.

Karl: And I read that.

Ricky: Excellent.

Karl: And then er...

Ricky: Did it make more sense in order?

Karl: Yeah, a lot easier to follow.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And then we went and had a look at the volcanoes and that, they've got thirty six of them to look at.

Ricky: How many did you look at before you realised you've, you know, pretty much you've seen one volcano you've seen them all?

Karl: Probably about...six or seven.

Ricky: Really? And then when you got to the eighth you thought "Now I know what this is going to be, Suzanne. This is going to be, like, a mountain with a hole in the top."

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: But it happened years ago as well, it's like, just keep a couple, fill the rest in. Tidy it up.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Fill the rest in!

Steve: Yeah, I know, yeah.

Ricky: What, get in some builders?

Karl: No, seriously though...

Ricky: "Can I have four million tonnes of concrete, please?"

Steve: They're an absolute deathtrap.

Ricky: Yeah, what...yeah...what do you mean, fill 'em in? Do you know what a volcano is?

Karl: Just a hole innit, that's happened.

Ricky: Well it's more than a hole, it's more a portal to the magma in the center of the earth.

Karl: Back in 1730, it happened, and they still haven't sorted it out.

Ricky: Well when you say "it happened", volcanoes were made a lot longer ago...

Karl: No, no...

Ricky: ...than 1730!

Karl: But the one that did Lanzarote in.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Sort it out.

Ricky: What do you suggest? How can they fill it in, it's joined, it's all joined. Under...

Karl: No, but what I'm saying is...

Ricky: ...big plates of the Earth are all joined, all the magma's joined.

Karl: ...it was a disaster, wasn't it? With the, with the Trade Center thing. That happened, they cleaned it up, sorted it out, they've moved on. That's what I'm saying. Whereas Lanzarote have just gone "leave it". It happened back in 1730.

Ricky: No, you misunderstand me. How in the name of God can you fill in a volcano, you ignorant twit?

Karl: No, but it's not just the holes, they've actually left the lava everywhere. That's what I mean. It's not just the big holes, there's lava everywhere.

Ricky: But...it's molten rock. They can't just pick it up, like they're...like a carpet.

Karl: Put it in the holes, the holes are there ready, just push it all in.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That's what I'm saying.

Steve: What, erm, what exactly is there then? Is it just a kind of moon-like kind of surround with just, kind of dust and rocks?

Karl: That's exact....you see, I was there when the Mars thing all went wrong.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I would have just sent a camera crew there.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Filmed a bit of that, right, say "here we are, this is it. Ignore the little coffee shop in the background. This is Mars." 'Cause that's what it's like, just loads of dust...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ...er, holes everywhere, tidy it up...

Ricky: Little round headed aliens, complaining.

Steve: Whinging.

Ricky: Just like Mars! So is there any..what's the best bit about the holiday? Come on, pretend you're Judith Chalmers.

Karl: I have been doing. I would have done all that. I would have said that. Don't bother.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: I mean the hotel was good.

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: That was alright.

Ricky: What was that like?

Karl: S'alright. Just, you know, clean. That's all you want, innit?

Ricky: See, that's not quite what Judith Chalmers does, she doesn't go "What's the hotel like? Alright, clean innit...alright". What was it like? Was it, what was it, three star? Four star? Did it have a swimming pool?

Karl: Yeah, it had a swimming pool and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, yeah. It was good. You know, I think it was one of the better ones on the island.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Nightlife?

Karl: Er...wasn't really...

Steve: Clubs? Bars?

Karl: Wasn't really any. There was a bar, there was some bands playing.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Er, not very good. Erm....food. Food got a bit boring.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was always the same food every night, but they sort of themed it and made out as if it was different, so like, on Mexican night it'd be chicken with a nacho on it.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And Chinese night it'd be chicken with a little prawn cracker on it and stuff.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: That got a bit boring.

Ricky's phone makes a sound

Ricky: Erm, that's just me turning on my phone, 'cause I want to read to you a text...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: ...that I got from Karl. I think you sort of sum up the holiday in..in this text, don't you? Can you remember it?

Karl: I can't remember.

Ricky: Let's have a look, let's have a little look...

Steve: Incidentally, what did Suzanne, your girlfriend, make of it?

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Similar view to you? That they should fill in the er, the holes?

Karl: Yeah, it's just that thing you see, I went on a coach trip, right? And you go and see the volcanoes. Like I say, there's thirty six of them, which, you know, how many do you need? And er, when we're on the coach going round all these volcanoes, the fella on the front's going "And er, look out your left window at the moment, there's a..there's a volcano. And er, if you quickly look out the right hand side there, there's another one, and on the left..." and it's just like, alright, we've seen it!

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And that, that tr-I mean we'll talk about that trip...

Ricky: Right, this is the text I got, from Karl, right? "Alright? Been up to a volcano. Been in some dead artist's house who built his house in the lava. They said they would show me science with volcanoes, but all they did was chuck some water in a..in a hole and it shot up in the air. No dwarves in the canteen. No Scousers here, but there is a Swede woman with a big head. She looks effing gormless with a cap on."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Alright? So, a little reference there to...

Steve: "A Swede woman?"

Ricky: What's that mean, do you mean Swedish?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Or she looked like a vegetable?

Karl: No a..a Swedish woman. But they've all got sort of..quite big built, aren't they?

Ricky: I sent..I sent him a text: "Oh well, it's just good to be on holiday 'cause, you know, I'm working". He sent back, "So am I. Just been watching Sky News. There is a school for monkeys who want to get a band together".

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Is that Monkey News for later?

Ricky laughs

The Coach Driver Is Pretty Much God

Ricky: Oh My Corazon, by Tim Burgess. I can't get enough of that, I love that chorus.

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and little Karl Pilkington. But, it was a nice holiday?

Karl: Yeah, it's alright, it's just, er, I went there to relax and that-

Ricky: Exactly.

Karl: -did a little bit of that. Er, trying to think of some new, you know, features and stuff.

Ricky: Sure, always working, always working.

Karl: Erm...

Ricky: Three holidays a year, Jesus.

Karl: Well, not really three, more like two.

Ricky: It's all one, one big work thing to me and Steve.

Karl: Just two. Two holidays, innit? Work hard, you need the holidays. Er, so, yeah, the things that annoyed me was, like, you get bored sat round the pool after a couple of days. I'd read my book-

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: -er, you know, there wasn't much going on on the-

Ricky: There weren't many crabs to throw sand at, was there?

Karl: No crabs or anything, they wouldn't bother with Lanzarote, right? So er, decided to go on a little, a little trip. That's when I saw the volcanoes and that, thirty six of 'em. Er, so, we go on the trip, and the thing that annoys me, it does happen every holiday that you go on, if you go on a sort of package thing-

Steve: Mmhmm.

Karl: -they have these trips, right? And you pay about forty-odd quid, and they give you some wine, to sort of make you feel like you're getting your money's worth. But, er-

Ricky: How many of these trips have you been on then?

Karl: Er..

Ricky: Loads?

Karl: Probably about twelve.

Ricky: Ohh, more holidays than I've had. Go on.

Karl: Yep. Well er...

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: So anyway, you're on the, on the coach, right? And they take you, for the volcanoes they took us in the middle of nowhere-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -right? There's nothing else round there-

Steve: Sure.

Karl: It's, it-like I say, it's like Mars, but with holes in the ground, right? And er, they sort of drop you off, and they go "Right everybody, er, see you back here in an hour. Er, there's loads of volcanoes for you to look at. Er, and a coffee shop over there". And you know for a fact, right, you don't need an hour there. You could just say "Well, just keep the engine running because I'll have a look in this hole, we'll get back on, give us five minutes".

Ricky laughs

Karl: You don't need an hour. But you know that they've got something going on-

Ricky: It's a backhander, definitely.

Steve: What, with the coffee shop?

Ricky: Definitely-

Karl: Definitely.

Ricky: -definitely, yeah. Yeah, they go there, they get everyone to have an ice cream and a coffee, they, you know, sit down and have a fag talking to the bloke. Yeah, and it's like, yeah, cousins. Yeah.

Karl: Have you ever-

Steve: How much was the coffee? Was it extortionately priced?

Karl: Probably about, probably about three, er...well it's Euros so I think it was about 3.50.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Which is, I dunno, what, that's about two and a half quid innit, or something?

Steve: Yeah, they stitched you up. Well I remember we were on a-it was a family trip to France once, we went to Paris. We got the coach, coming back from Paris to one of the ferries, one of the ports, Calais or wherever it was. Coach trip, that's quite a long coach trip, and at one point we were thinking "this is odd, we're on the motorway, we're making good progress". Suddenly, we came off the motorway, we must have gone, like, forty minutes out of our way, ended up in this street, completely empty, little French town. And er, pull up outside this, what appears to be a restaurant, and a guy jumps on dressed as a, like a Butlins redcoat. He's French, but he's putting on a kind of English accent. He goes "'Ello, er, thank you very much. Top of the morning, good morning, hello. Erm, come in, we've got food, drink, eh? Go upstairs, we've got rooms if you want to have a rest, eh, or play around. No? It's up to you". And er, we all had to funnel off this thing into this restaurant, and this one family went "Well we don't want to go in the restaurant, we've brought sandwiches, we just want to get to the port, we're not interested". And they said "Well you've got to come in the restaurant". They went "well we don't want to come in the restaurant". So the guy said "well I'll have to lock you in the coach". So this family were locked in the coach while we all traipsed off in. I could just look-I looked back and just saw this kid with his face pressed up against the glass.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Take me with you. I want to go in the restaurant". They were just stuck in there, I mean, absolutely livid, as you would be.

Ricky: That's definitely a backhander.

Steve: But we went inside and it was extraordinary, 'cause initially you had to pass through a souvenir shop-

Karl: Yep.

Steve: -to get into the restaurant.

Ricky: Perfect.

Steve: And he'd just, he'd obviously-it was catered entirely to English tourists. So there was like, pictures of the Queen and Prince Charles on the wall. It was done out in a kind of mock Tudor style. It's absolutely extraordinary, I, it was just-it was almost so bizarre, 'cause it's so out of the way. Did it, did that come before the coach, er scam, or did the coach guy knows it, is it a brother of his? I don't know how those things come about, but erm-

Ricky: But I know, it is, it is-yeah.

Steve: But is that going on in this country?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Steve: To French and German tourists?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Karl: Is it?

Ricky: Yeah there's er, yeah I'm sure people say "Look, if you bring thirty people to this restaurant, I'll see you're alright". But it would, wouldn't it, you know, if you've got your favourites. Cos the coach driver's pretty much God on those things. Those people don't know where they're going anyway.

Karl: Yeah, but at least here there's other stuff around. You don't really get that 'in the middle of nowhere' situation in this country.

Ricky: Well not really. Not if you're going from er, London to Manchester, you could stop off anywhere. They don't know where they are. You know, there's places with nothing to do or see. It's that-what are those attractions, they're all-there's loads of them in America, but there's a few here like, you know, Sheep World. And er, you know, you go out to Gloucester and there's a town and it's got the biggest cotton reel in the world. And that's it, there's a tourist shop, a big cotton reel and some bloke at the gate going "It's a quid to see it, there it is. Alright?"

Steve: I went to erm, I know it's quite a big-I went to a shire horse centre once-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -but when did shire horses become so, so popular that they got their own theme parks?

Ricky: Well there's, I think-I think there's a museum for everything.

Steve: Possibly so.

Ricky: I don't think you could think of summat that didn't have a museum in Britain. 'Cause obviously museums start off sometimes by fans-

Steve: But this is it, do people keep coming round, going "I hear you've got a shire horse, I'd love to see it".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Well I can't, people come all the time to see my shire horse-"

Ricky: "You should get another one 'cause I'd pay double".

Steve: "I'd pay good money to see your shire horses".

Ricky: Yeah, yeah!

Steve: Shire horses?! Have you seen them? They don't do anything, they're not like monkeys!

Ricky: They're not like monkeys, no.

Steve: Just grand, elegant creatures. But you look at them in a picture or look at them in real life, pretty much the same thing. They're not doing anything.

Ricky: If they-if they could train a shire horse to swing on a rope and masturbate-

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I'd pay double.

Steve: You'd pay good money.

Ricky: I'd pay double for that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: There's a museum in Italy, when we went there a couple of years back, Suzanne had a, like, one of those little guide things. Museum there just for spaghetti.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well I mean, open a restaurant.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Was it interesting spaghetti? Spaghetti in different shapes?

Karl: Dunno. Dunno, didn't go, I went to see a big hole in the ground.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Can't get enough of 'em.

Ricky: Well er, but out of ten then? Erm, what would you give it out of ten, all in all? Food...food, location, relaxation, you know, enjoyment.

Karl: Yeah, that's, that's....six.

Ricky: Okay. Brilliant.

Karl: Six. Yeah.

Ricky: Next week, where are you going next week? You're not on holiday next week?

Karl: No. Going away with Suzanne's mam and dad again. This year-

Ricky: Five holidays.

Karl: -been roped into that.

Ricky: Play a record. You've got to put some work in, you're in your thirties now. You've got to knuckle down.

Barometer World

Ricky: Turin Brakes, Mind Over Money. XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, little Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah. Couple of emails. People have erm, have visited various er, tourist attractions-

Ricky: Oh yeah?

Steve: Er, let me see, who's this from? Er, not quite sure, but thanks very much indeed for it. Er, there's a link here, it's apparently in Devon, Barometer World.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Erm, the world of barometers, it was established in 1979. And, er-

Ricky: By one bloke who had a lot, and thought "I can charge a quid for this". Definitely.

Steve: Here's the, er-

Ricky: Out of his own house, probably. Converted back scuttle.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That's not, that's not a euphemism for a sexual act. Erm-

Steve: But looking at the webpage here Rick, there's a beautiful barometer being held by a beautiful lady.

Ricky: Lovely. Who's definitely his daughter.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Definitely. "Come on Kathy". "Dad, no!" "Come on, get-undo your top a little bit". "Dad!" Definitely made to do that.

Steve: Yeah. That slight look of 'I hope no-one I know sees this'-

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: -'checks out Barometer World'.

Ricky: Barometer World!

Steve: Yeah that's available, if you want to check that out - www.barometerworld.com. That's on the, er-

Ricky: Now...barometers. Do-well one, do they work?

Steve: They're to do with checking-

Ricky: Two..

Steve: -is it the air pressure?

Ricky: Well, everything. But I think that's what it's based on, isn't it. Sort of low and high pressure, so it's gonna rain, it's not gonna rain.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or, gonna be windy or, but I wonder how accurate they are.

Steve: I think in the days before, erm, satellite sort of, er, weather surveillance systems, probably essential.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Nowadays-

Ricky: As essential as hanging some seaweed out by the back door?

Steve: Probably.

Ricky: I think it's probably similar. I think it's the same one as holding a needle and thread over a pregnant woman. "If it goes clockwise it be a boy".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: The thing about a barometer is, how, erm, how far into the future can it predict?

Ricky: Exactly-

Steve: 'Cause if it's-

Ricky: -how do you know?

Steve: 'Cause if it's a case of, you may as well stick your head out the window to see if it's raining-

Ricky: Exactly, this barometer goes, it goes "Ooh, it's gonna be windy and rainy". "When?" Barometer goes, "Soonish?".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Can't say but it will, it will-within seven days".

Steve: "I don't want to be specific 'cause you'll have me".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "You'll, you'll-"

Ricky: "I mean, I'm just a barometer, I'm not really, a weatherperson".

Steve: Can't really analyse the information.

Ricky: Yeah. Brilliant.

Steve: What's in there, what's happening in there? What chemicals are being affected, how does it work, I have no idea?

Ricky: I don't know, I assume it's probably something-

Steve: Wait a minute, let me email Barometer World.

Ricky: What could it be? It could be mercury that's based on a sort of temperature that goes up the...oh no it's not temperature, is it, barometer? It's pressure.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: So er, it's probably just very fine, it's like a fine, very, very fine needle, isn't it?

Steve: This is almost as embarrassing as last time we were on, we couldn't figure out what the name of the leader of China was. Was it the king of China?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Prince of China?

{{Ricky|Oh, this is where we were trying to imagine what it would be like if all the Chinese people, at once, jumped up and down-}

Steve: Yeah.

}

Ricky: -and made a big tidal wave.

Steve: An enormous tidal wave. But if you do know what the name of the leader of China is, we don't mean the name of the particular person in charge, but if it's the king of China, the emperor of China? The chancellor of China?

Ricky: It used to be an emperor didn't it? Oh no, that was Japan.

Steve: Yeah, this is it, I don't what's the big guy in charge. Is he still the chairman, I know there was Chairman Mao, was in power, I think he was just the chairman though. I think he just governed all the big meetings.

Ricky: Yeah. I don't know.

Steve: He just kept the minutes.

Ricky: Head Chinaman?

Steve: Head Chinaman. The major Chinaman. The top Chinaman.

Ricky: We're pathetic.

Steve: The number one Chinaman.

Ricky: We-do you know what, we're going to be honest here, we know so little about China.

Steve laughs

Steve: It's true.

Ricky: We know so little about China, it's embarrassing.

Steve: But if you've got any interesting facts about China, then er, email in. [email protected]. Also, I imagine, the email address to use if you're going to take part in this week's Rockbusters.

Ricky: I did read an interesting fact. Erm, researched it, I'm doing a show called Politics and I was researching, and there's a thing about, erm-

Steve: What, you went online?

Ricky: -about sweatshops. Yeah, no, no, no. Sweatshops, erm, like...Nike, er, these facts, right? And erm, er, there's these people get, like, a few cents an hour, and the CEO, I forget his name, for a Chinese woman to earn his 5.2 billion, she'd have to work, erm, eight hours a day, seven days a week for ten thousand years. But Steve, they don't.

Steve: They don't.

Ricky: They don't. They obviously don't wanna-

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: They don't want to earn-

Steve: Lazy. Lazy, Rick.

Ricky laughs

Have Any Of Us Ever Met Any Gay People?

Ricky:

Ian Dury and The Blockheads, Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick.

Steve: Rick, are you likely to be going to, er, Cumbria on your, erm, standup tour?

Ricky: Er...almost certainly not, why?

Steve: It's just that you might want to visit the Cumberland Pencil Museum. Erm, that's a journey through the history of pencil making.

Ricky: I do like pencils.