04 May 2002

Xfm Series 1 November 2001 - May 2002 List of episodes

Episodes: 10 November 2001 (Transcript) 17 November 2001 (Transcript) 24 November 2001 (Transcript) 01 December 2001 (Transcript) 08 December 2001 (Transcript) 15 December 2001 (Transcript) 22 December 2001 (Transcript) 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12 13 April 2002 (Transcript) 20 April 2002 (Transcript) 27 April 2002 (Transcript) 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Track Listing

1. Queen Mum
Karl talks to Steve and Ricky about how the Queen Mum used to have a bad mouth on her. Ricky is nonplussed until realising that Karl believes the story told to him in the week with him and Steve doing impressions of her with swear words in.

2. Sony Awards
Ricky and Steve discuss the Sony Awards that they recently attended and go into detail of what happened and how Ricky doesnt get out of bed for bronze. Ricky then goes on to talk of how he swore on live TV. Karl then compares getting a bronze to coming in last in a marathon. They then go on to discuss the olympics and Steve's sport in high school.

3. The Hair of a Chinaman
After an anecdote of how Steve never won the gold medal in the high jump in high school and describes his apperance back in those days, Ricky asks Karl about what he looked like in those days. Karl then goes on to tell that his barber told him he had the hair of a Chinaman.

4. The Taxman Cometh
Steve tells of how he did a DJ set for an XFM party and made some money. He says that the taxman wont know about the 200 quid he made. He then realises what he has said and trys to make it sound better by sucking up to the taxman and saying he will notify them ASAP.

5. Karl a Homosexual?
Ricky and Steve discuss how in a previous show they told Karl that he would need to pretend he was Steves boyfriend to get in to the Sony's. They then ask him who he would go out with if he was gay.

6. Karls Room 102
Ricky and Steve ask Karl what he would put in Room 101 if he was on the show.

7. Walk Like an Egypt Bloke
Karl tells the story of lizards in Egypt that make holes in the sand in the desert. They hide in these holes but are in danger because a local Egypt bloke takes them out and uses them to make shoes. He says that scorpians also like to go into the holes and protect the lizards from the lizard hunter.

8. Stars In Their Eyes
The guys discuss Stars In Their Eyes and how no-one becomes famous due to it.

9. The Talent Show
Karl discuses a talent show where he dressed as a woman and danced and then done some magic.

10. Enhance Karls Life
The gang run a compitition to win a bag from the Sony's signed by many celebrities. In order to win this prize they have to offer Karl things that they think will enhance his life. The one he chooses wins the signed bag.He chooses an urban legends book.

11. Room 101 Part 2
His last Room 101 entry and this one is holidays. He tells of a holiday where he and his girlfriend went to aresteraunt that was run by midgets. Karl then says that one of them was chatting up his girlfriend Sussane.

12. Karls Presents
As it is the last show of the series Karl gives a gift to Ricky and a gift to Steve. He gives Ricky a Mr. Ben's book of fables and Steve a book of chat-up lines. <nowiki>Insert non-formatted text hereInsert non-formatted text here</nowiki>

Transcription

1. Queen Mum

Steve Merchant: absolutely

Ricky Gervais: Stone Roses on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant

Steve: Hello there

Ricky: And Karl Pilkington for the last time...

Steve: Indeed

Ricky: I'm afraid. So um, you know we're gonna have a little bit of a chat with sowing up some things with Karl, we're giving away that prize with that BAFTA bag and you know

Steve: Playing some great music

Ricky: And we'll just, i mean i'm bringing in my favourite tunes, I'm bringing in The Smiths, Radiohead, Cat Stevens, David Bowie, Neil Young, the classics. Steve's doing the same

Steve: Indeed

Ricky: erm, well Karl, last time for er yeah, apparently erm someone's got it a bit wrong, we're not actually away for 6 weeks, we're away for about 2 months, we'll be back in August won' we?

Karl Pilkington: Bloody hell

Ricky: yeah...don't swear

Steve: yeah that's outrageous

Ricky: on the last show you have to say that

Steve: Already bought the tone down

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Cheapened it

Ricky: And i think it's blasphemous as well

Steve: yeah

Ricky: No it's not 'hell' isn't is it?

Steve: Isn't it?

Ricky: No, don't think-that's not blasphemy is it

Steve: Taking hell's name in vain?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Yeah but what was it you were saying the other week about how the queen mum used to have a right mouth on her?

Ricky: What?

Karl: No-

Steve: I don't we said that on air Karl,

Ricky: What?

Karl: No but, last week you

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Were saying about that bad language, and i was saying 'ar, it, they'll, you know there'll come a time when bad language isn't, doesn't, you know matter anymore, you can eff and jeff and stuff

Ricky: Ow, I know what he's talking about Steve

Steve: really

Ricky: Right, let me explain to you, the listener at home, erm Karl was worried about swearing and As a Joke, off-air, it was last week, we were saying that, erm, the qu-, in the 1940s and 50s the Queen mum used to say things like that, and we were quoting things which she'd said

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: But but putting f's and c's in there, and you believed us

Steve: What? So this whole week, you've believed that we somehow, somehow had knowledge that the

Ricky: Quen mum

Steve: Used to swear like a trooper?

Ricky: We were doing fake quotes from her in her voice, but putting in f's and c's and you believed us. I mean i didn't even think, i mean i thought you were going along with the joke but it obviously made an impac-

Steve: Karl! We've said this, you've got to question and query everything, you can't take things at face value, certainly if they come out of the mouths of Ricky Gervais

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: orr right

Ricky: Yeah, sorry about that Karl, that was a little, a little trick

Karl: O

Steve: Is there any other things now that as you look back over this time we've

Ricky: Is there anything we've said that as you think about i can tell you now that was a lie

Steve: Anything you've maybe thought and queried or questioned, and though that doesn't sound right, that maybe Ricky's told you?

Karl: Something might come to me

Steve: k

Karl: Later on but,

Ricky: Ok, but what about, Karl, i mean, we love you, right obviously we know that, and we've got great affection for you we look forward to this, i'm gonna miss you really, but and i'll tell you what, you've got a heart of gold, now wait till you see what the record is Steve...what i've done

Steve: Is it Heart of Gold?

Ricky: yep

Steve: Brilliant, brilliant. Alright, that's why he's a bronze award winner at the Sony's

Ricky: I don't get up for bronze, i don't get out of bed for bronze

Steve: That was a waste of our time

Heart of Gold plays

Quotes

Steve: Walk like an Egypt bloke!

Ricky: I dont want a complaint on our last show!

Karl: This really tarty girl that did Madonna "Like a Virgin" and I though "Yeah right!"

Playlist

Neil Young - Heart of Gold
Athlete - Westside
Radiohead - Black Star
David Bowie - Rock & Roll With Me
Cat Stevens - Silent Sunlight
Tom McCrae - End of the World News
Badly Drawn Boy - Once Around the Block
Matt Pond PA - Night End
Suede - Stay Together
The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out

Download

Download Page