04 May 2002

Xfm Series 1 November 2001 - May 2002 List of episodes

Episodes: 10 November 2001 (Transcript) 17 November 2001 (Transcript) 24 November 2001 (Transcript) 01 December 2001 (Transcript) 08 December 2001 (Transcript) 15 December 2001 (Transcript) 22 December 2001 (Transcript) 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12 13 April 2002 (Transcript) 20 April 2002 (Transcript) 27 April 2002 (Transcript) 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Track Listing

1. Queen Mum
Karl talks to Steve and Ricky about how the Queen Mum used to have a bad mouth on her. Ricky is nonplussed until realising that Karl believes the story told to him in the week with him and Steve doing impressions of her with swear words in.

2. Sony Awards
Ricky and Steve discuss the Sony Awards that they recently attended and go into detail of what happened and how Ricky doesnt get out of bed for bronze. Ricky then goes on to talk of how he swore on live TV. Karl then compares getting a bronze to coming in last in a marathon. They then go on to discuss the olympics and Steve's sport in high school.

3. The Hair of a Chinaman
After an anecdote of how Steve never won the gold medal in the high jump in high school and describes his apperance back in those days, Ricky asks Karl about what he looked like in those days. Karl then goes on to tell that his barber told him he had the hair of a Chinaman.

4. The Taxman Cometh
Steve tells of how he did a DJ set for an XFM party and made some money. He says that the taxman wont know about the 200 quid he made. He then realises what he has said and trys to make it sound better by sucking up to the taxman and saying he will notify them ASAP.

5. Karl a Homosexual?
Ricky and Steve discuss how in a previous show they told Karl that he would need to pretend he was Steves boyfriend to get in to the Sony's. They then ask him who he would go out with if he was gay.

6. Karls Room 102
Ricky and Steve ask Karl what he would put in Room 101 if he was on the show.

7. Walk Like an Egypt Bloke
Karl tells the story of lizards in Egypt that make holes in the sand in the desert. They hide in these holes but are in danger because a local Egypt bloke takes them out and uses them to make shoes. He says that scorpians also like to go into the holes and protect the lizards from the lizard hunter.

8. Stars In Their Eyes
The guys discuss Stars In Their Eyes and how no-one becomes famous due to it.

9. The Talent Show
Karl discuses a talent show where he dressed as a woman and danced and then done some magic.

10. Enhance Karls Life
The gang run a compitition to win a bag from the Sony's signed by many celebrities. In order to win this prize they have to offer Karl things that they think will enhance his life. The one he chooses wins the signed bag.He chooses an urban legends book.

11. Room 101 Part 2
His last Room 101 entry and this one is holidays. He tells of a holiday where he and his girlfriend went to aresteraunt that was run by midgets. Karl then says that one of them was chatting up his girlfriend Sussane.

12. Karls Presents
As it is the last show of the series Karl gives a gift to Ricky and a gift to Steve. He gives Ricky a Mr. Ben's book of fables and Steve a book of chat-up lines. <nowiki>Insert non-formatted text hereInsert non-formatted text here</nowiki>

Transcription

1. Queen Mum

Steve Merchant: absolutely

Ricky Gervais: Stone Roses on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant

Steve: Hello there

Ricky: And Karl Pilkington for the last time...

Steve: Indeed

Ricky: I'm afraid. So um, you know we're gonna have a little bit of a chat with sowing up some things with Karl, we're giving away that prize with that BAFTA bag and you know

Steve: Playing some great music

Ricky: And we'll just, i mean i'm bringing in my favourite tunes, I'm bringing in The Smiths, Radiohead, Cat Stevens, David Bowie, Neil Young, the classics. Steve's doing the same

Steve: Indeed

Ricky: erm, well Karl, last time for er yeah, apparently erm someone's got it a bit wrong, we're not actually away for 6 weeks, we're away for about 2 months, we'll be back in August won' we?

Karl Pilkington: Bloody hell

Ricky: yeah...don't swear

Steve: yeah that's outrageous

Ricky: on the last show you have to say that

Steve: Already bought the tone down

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Cheapened it

Ricky: And i think it's blasphemous as well

Steve: yeah

Ricky: No it's not 'hell' isn't is it?

Steve: Isn't it?

Ricky: No, don't think-that's not blasphemy is it

Steve: Taking hell's name in vain?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Yeah but what was it you were saying the other week about how the queen mum used to have a right mouth on her?

Ricky: What?

Karl: No-

Steve: I don't we said that on air Karl,

Ricky: What?

Karl: No but, last week you

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Were saying about that bad language, and i was saying 'ar, it, they'll, you know there'll come a time when bad language isn't, doesn't, you know matter anymore, you can eff and jeff and stuff

Ricky: Ow, I know what he's talking about Steve

Steve: really

Ricky: Right, let me explain to you, the listener at home, erm Karl was worried about swearing and As a Joke, off-air, it was last week, we were saying that, erm, the qu-, in the 1940s and 50s the Queen mum used to say things like that, and we were quoting things which she'd said

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: But but putting f's and c's in there, and you believed us

Steve: What? So this whole week, you've believed that we somehow, somehow had knowledge that the

Ricky: Quen mum

Steve: Used to swear like a trooper?

Ricky: We were doing fake quotes from her in her voice, but putting in f's and c's and you believed us. I mean i didn't even think, i mean i thought you were going along with the joke but it obviously made an impac-

Steve: Karl! We've said this, you've got to question and query everything, you can't take things at face value, certainly if they come out of the mouths of Ricky Gervais

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: orr right

Ricky: Yeah, sorry about that Karl, that was a little, a little trick

Karl: O

Steve: Is there any other things now that as you look back over this time we've

Ricky: Is there anything we've said that as you think about i can tell you now that was a lie

Steve: Anything you've maybe thought and queried or questioned, and though that doesn't sound right, that maybe Ricky's told you?

Karl: Something might come to me

Steve: k

Karl: Later on but,

Ricky: Ok, but what about, Karl, i mean, we love you, right obviously we know that, and we've got great affection for you we look forward to this, i'm gonna miss you really, but and i'll tell you what, you've got a heart of gold, now wait till you see what the record is Steve...what i've done

Steve: Is it Heart of Gold?

Ricky: yep

Steve: Brilliant, brilliant. Alright, that's why he's a bronze award winner at the Sony's

Ricky: I don't get up for bronze, i don't get out of bed for bronze

Steve: That was a waste of our time

Heart of Gold plays

2. Sony Awards

Ricky: Karl Pilkington of there on Xfm 104.9, winner of a bronze award at the Sony's, the radio Oscar's as Phil Jupitus said

Steve: Man alive

Ricky: That's what he called them on liquid news

Steve: I'll tell you this Rick, i'm not used to being on a table with losers, at an awards ceremony

Ricky: No, i u u, i didn't want to come in to do the final show

Steve: Nah

Ricky: You know, i went straight over and sat with Pete and Jeff, didn't i? heh heh, from radio4, went over with Paul Gambourchini

Steve: I went over to BBC World Service

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: You know it's lot funkier, lot cooler

Ricky: Yeah, won an award

Steve: Yeah, they swept the boards

Ricky: Yeah, i don't, bronze is nowhere

Steve: What was the mood er over here

Ricky: Silvers, silvers...what was the mood here?

Karl: The mood, err

Steve: Cos the day after, cos people, well let me tell you now i think Xfm deserve an award, and i thought it was criminal actually

Ricky: But what i did like about, we certaintly had the room, cos Pete and Jeff said good luck to us and Christian, that was really nice, and then someone else mentioned us

Karl: James Nesbitt

Ricky: James Nesbitt said 'oh er Xfm and stuff' so we certaintly had the

Karl: Paul Gambourchini said something about it

Ricky: Yeah so

Steve: Did he really? What Gambo?

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: Certaintly had the room, and for a local, you've gotta realise it's a local radio station, you know and err, you can't compete really with Radio2 and Radio4

Steve: But what was the mood the day after, here at Xfm?

Karl: Erm, it was alright, i mean, i think we expected a few more but

Ricky: But you shouldn't take these things seriously anyway

Karl: Nah but

Ricky: Never take awards...seriously

Steve: But what i didn't realise Rick, what i didn't realise is you have to pay thousands of pounds just to nominate

Ricky: You're joking

Steve: Just to get into the running for an award so you've already you know, they squandered thousands of pounds

Ricky: Nah, it's not thousands

Steve: It is!

Karl: Well, it mounts up because you pay to enter right

Ricky: And then the table

Karl: And you've gotta buy like minidiscs and that, to send you're stuff in on

Ricky: Sure

Karl: which are Sony Minidiscs

Steve: M

Ricky: Oarr, i see what you're saying Karl

Karl: I'm not saying anything

Ricky: No

Karl: Erm, and also then, and you've gotta pay for the table

Ricky: Right

Karl: And the food and the drink, i mean it's a few grand

Ricky: I swore on live television as well that night

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: But i've never done that before, i mean i've never, i've sworn before but never acidentally, and we were being interviewed for erm, and Christian was sort of like quite, you know, being a bit boisterious and he must have brought out the worst in me, and i acc-, must of accidentally said the f-word, and i apologised straight away, i didn't want to embarrass Phil Jupitus

Steve: Ha...does that himself here

Ricky: He was doing a good job...pff ha

Karl: But i was thinking about yesterday and your saying a bronze isn't worth having right?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: But, say like

Ricky: We were only joking, none of them are worth having, but they're very nice, and it's

Steve: No a bronze is pointless

Ricky: Hahaha

Karl: But you say that cos like bronze is like coming last innit

Steve: yeah

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Right, can you tell me the name of the person who won the marathon this year? No?

Steve: Yeah but that's because we're not sporty, I'm sure there's lots who can.

Karl: But then, the guy who came last, who was in the swinsuit

Ricky: Akffhehe

Karl: People remember him, and he

Steve: No i don't remember his name either

Ricky: No what was his name?

Karl: No, but he was 6 days late i mean he was really bad

Ricky: Yeah but what's his name then?

Karl:...err

Steve: you see?, No one's remembering either

Karl: No, but if someone who won the marathon, i'd go 'i dunno but there's that guy in the swinsuit'

Ricky: Well i'd say 'I don't know, it was a woman'

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: She had shorts on and trainers,

Karl: I'm just trying to make you feel-

Steve: My point is what they will remember is that we were losers, that's what they'll remember

Ricky: Hahaha

Steve: They may not remember our names

Ricky: They'll just point and shout 'Losers'

Ricky: We're all winners though arn't we, we're all winners really

Steve: For taking part sure

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: And it's all subjective as well innit

Ricky: Go on

Karl: I mean i'm not going to moan about awards because you've won a lot of them, it's like saying they don't mean jack, but at the end of the day, right, there's some shows that won awards, and you go 'Yeah that's, that's worth an award'

Ricky: I think you've got to treat it, i mean some awards actually boost your profile or career, or your cache or whatever like that, some it's just a nice night out and it's nice to win, but, i don't think you should really take any award that seriously

Steve: What worries my though Rick, as i mentioned on the night is that i, when i was at school, was, i mean you look at me now, you probably think 'he an athletic kinda guy, he's a sporty dude' you know, but at school bizzarly that was not the case

Ricky: No? What were you a bit of an lanky beanpole?

Steve: As it turns out

Ricky: You joking?

Steve: Yeahyeayea

Ricky: Oh right ok

Steve: So err, but i got silver err in the high jump

Ricky: yeah..

Steve: And i've done better in the high jump right? did no traning whatsoever, no practice, just turned up

Ricky: You were about 2 and a half foot taller than everybody else

Steve: Well keep, well yeah but wait a minute, people think that if you're tall that makes you easier, it makes it easier for you to do the high jump, surely not because i have got all that leg to get over the pole, that makes it hider, harder

Ricky: But, Don't talk rubbish

Steve: What are you talking about?

Ricky: Well of course the taller you are the more chance you've got at the high jump

Steve: What, explain it to me

Ricky: Everyone else, w..wot? Right ok then, so is it harder a six foot man to step over a matchbox or a baby midget?

Steve: A Baby midget?..that Is tiny Rick

Karl: Hang on, here's something i've learnt remember, after like show 4 or whatever

Ricky: Go on..Show 4!

Karl: The flea can jump over the, London Eye?

Ricky: Nooo! No it can jump the equivalent of if it was a 6 foot man, it can't jump about 6 ye high, a flea can not jump over the London Eye

Steve: Ye, Yes it can, ye it can

Karl: And

Ricky: Hahaha! Karl

Steve: Tell your kids that

Ricky: Karl! ooh

Karl: Remember

Ricky: A flea can jump over the London Eye, and an ant can lift three Volvo's

Steve: Hahaha Ricky: Pfsssha

Karl: But you were talking about fitness people and that

Ricky: Go on

Karl: Remember when we were in the pub right? And your mate Johnny was in there

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: I think it was

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: And he was talking about that guy who got done right, cos he entered a wheelchair race

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: And he shouln't, and there was nothing wrong with him, his legs were alright

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Now he got done because he shoudn't have been involved in it but don't you think, that really, he really good for doing that because he's not normally in a wheelchair

Steve: Sure

Karl: So he's not used to how they move about

Steve: Yeah

Karl: His arms arn't as strong as the other fellas, who are always in the wheelchair

Steve: Yeah, sure

Ricky: He

Steve: Had his mate pushing him, that was the problem

Ricky: h-and it was motorized

Steve: Heh

Karl: I'd give him a Gold Plus, just, i, i you know, you're taking a bloke, who's not used to doing something, he does it the first time, and beats the people who're at it

Ricky: What about that woman though that was disqualified in the shooting, she was in a wheelchair, and she was just doing the normal, able-bodied olympics, right, but, she wasn't allowed to rest her elbow on the arm of her chair, cos they were saying that's an advantage. She was in a wheelchair, and she was shooting, but she was getting unfair advantage, and they said 'You cannot put your elbow on the arm of your wheelchair,'

Steve: Sneaky arn't they

Ricky: Hehaha

Steve: No, they are, you've gotta be careful, you've gotta be careful

Ricky: Do you want to play a

Steve: Some of them arn't even disabled it turns out

Ricky: Hold on though, we're talking about athletes arn't we? What record should we play next?

Steve: I'd love to that that single that was out a couple of months back, by Athlete

Steve: Let's have +Ricky: Athlete

Steve: Man alive

Athlete Plays

Quotes

Steve: Walk like an Egypt bloke!

Ricky: I dont want a complaint on our last show!

Karl: This really tarty girl that did Madonna "Like a Virgin" and I though "Yeah right!"

Playlist

Neil Young - Heart of Gold
Athlete - Westside
Radiohead - Black Star
David Bowie - Rock & Roll With Me
Cat Stevens - Silent Sunlight
Tom McCrae - End of the World News
Badly Drawn Boy - Once Around the Block
Matt Pond PA - Night End
Suede - Stay Together
The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out

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