05 April 2003/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 05 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
Karl Has Had a Little Strop On
Song: Coldplay - Clocks
Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Hickory dickory dock, some lads, there, just wrote a song called "Clocks". The lads are Coldplay.
Steve Chuckles
Steve: (Chuckling) And the song is?
Ricky: "Clocks".
Steve: Beautiful.
Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington pressing the little buttons, there.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Hmph.
Ricky: XFM 104.9. What's that? What's that little "Mmm"? Well...
Karl: I think I do more than just press the buttons.
Ricky: Right, you see this is- this is it, right. Karl has had a little strop on since last night, okay? And he's--
Steve: He's had a little strop on?
Ricky: Yeah--
Ricky Cackles
Steve Laughs
Steve: You did- you said, "strop on".
Ricky Laughs
Steve: I just wanted to clarify.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: And, uhh, it's- I don't- I don't know why. He says that I'm an annoying person.
Steve: Yeeah, mmm...
Ricky: He says that I wind him up, right. Uhm, which I don't know, he says that you're- you're winding him up because you're, sort of, like, negative about everything--
Steve: I'm negative?!
Ricky: Yeah. And, uhm, what I think it is is cuz we pointed out that his lateness is unacceptable.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: He said, "Meet you at six." He turned up at twenty past. He said, "Well, someone stopped me in the corridor." I don't care.
Karl: I've got stuff to do.
Ricky: Y--
Karl: I'm head of production here--
Ricky: We had stuff to do! I think we're a bit busier than you, Karl! You've got one job, we've got loads of jobs. I keep tellin' ya that. You got one job in a little room, a 9 to 5, there that you don't even get done in 9 to 5, that's why you're late and mucking around all the time.
Karl: Yeah, cuz there's loads of work to do.
Ricky: Yeah. One job.
Karl: Right. No, it's not. It's- it's one job with a lot of other jobs in it. It's like those little Russian dolls you get.
Steve Chuckles Slightly
Karl: Right?
Ricky: Well it's not, is it?
Karl: So, don't have a go- yeah it is.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Everyone thinks, "Oh, he only sits in the studio, messin' about, making 'Songs of Phrase'." That's what I do in me free time.
Ricky Stifles Laughter
Karl: Which we've got comin' up later.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: Super slick.
Ricky Continues Laughing
Ricky: Ahh, dear.
Steve: I still think twenty minutes late is an outrage though, Karl.
Ricky: Yeah, twenty minutes late is--
Karl: Yeah, but I didn't say, "bang on six". I said, "around six".
Ricky: You said, "six"! No, you didn't. You said, "six", which means six.
Karl: Well, it doesn't.
Steve: W- what?!
Ricky: W- sorry, it doesn't?!
Karl: If I was a newsreader I'd say, "Yeah, you've got to be on time." Do you know what I mean? If it was the six o'clock news, I wouldn't want to be late. But it's the fact that I said to ya, "I'm busy, I've got stuff to do--"
Ricky: No, no, you didn't say that, you said, uhh, "six o'clock?... to sort out tomorrow's show?"
Karl: Nahhh, I didn't. I know what I said, so...
Ricky: Yeah, w- well...
Steve: (Mocking) Whaa-aa-aa, no you don't. Because I remember you sent me a text, you didn't even- it wasn't even a phone call--
Ricky: Awwww--
Steve: You didn't even have the politeness to call!
Ricky: Stephen has stitched him up by being a little more precise than him.
Steve: It was a text. It was a text and it said, uhh, "see you around six tomorrow, question mark".
Pause
Karl: "Around". You just said it. "Around six".
Steve: Well, yeah, but it- it doe- that doesn't count- that doesn't mean anything!
Ricky: Well, yeah, no, it does.
Steve: What, so, let- all right, Rick--
Ricky: You told me he said six.
Steve: Well, he did. I'm- I'm paraphrasing. Six o'clock, Rick... to me- ar- even if it was "around six o'clock" that would be five to six or five past six. It would not be twenty minutes after the event.
Pause
Steve: Cuz that is late.
Karl: Well...
Ricky Stifles Laughter
Steve: Well, you can't even- you can't e- you've got nothing, you see. You haven't even got an excuse.
Karl: Yeah, but then I turned up--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Right, and I said, "Right, well, let's not argue about this, let's come up with some good new features cuz we're binning, uhh, 'Cheap as Chimps'--"
Steve: Brilliant.
Karl: That's gone today.
Steve: Good news.
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He ne- he never liked "Cheap as Chimps", Karl, did he?
Karl: No. Right, he never liked it. Do you know what?
Ricky: What?
Karl: Do you know who's took it further?
Steve: Go on.
Karl: Donal MacIntyre.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) What?!
Karl: He's doin'- he's doin' a program "Cheap as Chimps".
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, he's not!
Steve: No, he's not doing a progr--
Karl: Channel f- well- well, we'll see again. I'll prove you right again.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's- he's not--
Karl: Prove you wrong again.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's not doing a program "Cheap as Chimps", is he? He's not! What do you mean?!
Karl: He's doing- I saw a trail on Channel 5 and it was sayin, you know--
Ricky: Is it 5 or about 20 past 5?
Karl: "He's do- doin' this, he's done that" - you know - "now see him on Channel 5 because he's moved to Channel 5--"
Ricky: Right.
Karl: It was sayin', "First big problem: eh, chimps..." - you know - "they're dear and that and, uhh--"
Steve Laughs
Ricky: No, they're not dear. He's a- g- g- g- g- gettin' confused.
Karl: No. No. F- f- fifty-odd grand for a chimp and it's sayin'--
Ricky Stifles Laughter
Karl: You know, he'll look into how much you can get a gorilla for.
Ricky: What are you- WHAT ARE- in the name of God, are you talking about?
Karl: I'm gonna talk about that later.
Ricky: But, I don't know wh- I don't know wh- wh--
Karl: I'm just sayin' that that's another idea that's- that and BBC 2--
Ricky: And yeah, yeah, yeah, so, go on- you've gotta- this is why you never get stuff done and you're late--
Karl: Yeah--
Ricky: You got off the point. You were talking about arriving late!
Karl: Yeah, I know, but I'm just sayin' to ya now. I'm just sayin' I turned up late so I said, "Right, well let's not argue--"
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I said, "Let's do some stuff"!
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: You weren't havin' any of it. I think at one point you were trying to be sick on me leg.
Ricky Wheezes with Laughter
Steve: I do remember that.
Karl: Yeah?
Ricky Continues Laughing
Ricky: (Laughing) Why? Just- just for fun?
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Oh, right.
Karl: I- so that's when I started gettin' annoyed.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: He was very annoyed last night.
Ricky: (Laughing) Now, uh, I- d- yeah, okay. Yeah, I- I could see where that could be annoyin' but you've just got to think, "Hey look, so what? He's-", you know...
Karl: Well- well--
Steve: I think you rub each other up the wrong way.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: That's the problem.
Karl: Well, no more "Cheap as Chimps" today.
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: All right.
Karl: We've got nothing to replace it because we didn't have a chat.
Steve: Mmhm.
Karl: "Songs of Phrase" - we're doin' that, you can win some stuff.
Ricky: Yeah, we've got the film that we haven't done for the past two weeks.
Karl: Got the- the final film, we won't be doin' that anymore.
Ricky: Let- lettin' them down. That's two weeks- let's say two weeks late on that.
Karl: We're doin' that.
Steve: Can I just ask, guys, is there going to be some great music?
Ricky: Yeah. Well, I've got some--
Steve: What about something from the On- Only Ones?
Ricky: Yeah- yeah- yeah--
Steve: The classic "Another Girl Another Planet".
Ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet". "Planet". "Planet". "Planet."
Steve: Brilliant.
Song: Only Ones - Another Girl Another Planet
I've Seen Most Parts of Your Body Now
Ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet" by the Only Ones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, cheer up! Come on. There's a war on. Chill out.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: I have to say, you- you have become increasingly annoying, uh, recently, Rick--
Ricky: Who, me?
Steve: I think- yeah, chiefly- I'll tell you what it is, I think it's the- the hot weather. Can I just draw- just remind you, when we were in the office recently - we've got a little office that we write in and we work in - and, ehhm, many, many moons ago, uh, we were doing some work - this was when we were f- writin' the first series of the, uh, "The Office" - and, uh, I was typin' away, I was just typing something up we've written. And I read it back to Ricky, uh, just to check he was happy with everything. I was reading it back and, uhhh, as part of the thing there was a knock in the script, it said, you know, "knock" and I- so I was acting it out for him and I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like this and I realized he wasn't listening, he was, in fact, asleep underneath his desk and he- I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like that as part of, uhh, you know, reading the stage directions- I knocked, he thought someone was coming in, he leapt up, clunked his head, zipped up, thought someone- I said, "Rick, it's not- I'm just acting that out for you."
Ricky Giggles
Steve: He just wasn't paying attention--
Ricky: I--
Steve: He wasn't listening and can I just draw- so, recently we're in a- we're in another office, we're typin' away, a-da-da-da, uh, I look 'round, he's got his shirt off.
Ricky: It was hot.
Steve: He's taken his shirt off, right, so he's sat there, 41 year old man or whatever you are- 40 year old man there with his shirt out- beautiful. I mean, I've seen most parts of your body now at one point or another--
Ricky Giggles
Steve: I think in the early days when we used to work at XFM you started showing me bits of your anatomy which is something he does to (Laughing Slightly) people he likes, friends of his. I'm sure you're seen most of it, Karl.
Karl: No.
Steve: And so, uhm, he's sat there--
Ricky: It's not that sort of relationship. Go on.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Steve: He's sat there and (Laughing Slightly) there's a knock at the door because we'd asked someone who worked in the building to bring us something (Laughing Slightly) and so I had to delay it by, sort of, not opening the door so he could get his shirt back on--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And so he was running around trying to get his shirt back on--
Ricky: What would they have thought? What would they have thought?
Steve: They'd of walked in, he'd of been sat there stripped to the waist--
Karl: Didn't they, sort of, think, "hang on, what's going on?", look through the key hole...
Ricky: No. No.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Awww.
Steve: It was ludicrous because as they came in, he, sort- he was flustered and he, kind of, was just leaning against the window--
Ricky Chuckles
Steve: Just looking like, "I often stand here with my, uhh- my shirt back to front."
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I'm getting like Bernard Manning. When you see Bernard Manning, whenever he goes into a house he has to go upstairs to take his trousers off.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love that. The fact that in your house you've just got your pants and your vest on. That's what you want to do.
Karl: Yeah, but it's- it's all the time, it's not just- I mean, you haven't done that with me - takin' your clothes off and that - yet, but, like, last night we were sat in the pub and I was sayin', "Right, you know, let's not even worry about new features then, let's- let's get the current ones, you know, going. And get them good."
Ricky: Like what?
Karl: Like...
Karl Exhales
Karl: The one that I was trying to work out: "The", uh, "Cheaky Freak of the Week".
Ricky: (Laughing) Think of that!
Steve Chuckles
Karl: Yeah, but I was sayin'--
Ricky: Think of that, though as a normal conversation!
Karl: Yeah, but--
Ricky: As a- a--
Karl: I looked online, right, I didn't find that much. I found, uh- actually I'll tell you what I found later. Brilliant. Uhhh--
Ricky Laughs
Karl: But lookin' for them, right--
Ricky Continues Laughing
Karl: And, uhh, then at one point I think you said to me, "Go and" - you know - "What about the Guiness Book of Records?" - you know - "They'll- they'll have like--"
Ricky: Yeah. Loads of--
Karl: The- the best freak of the--
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: In the world or whatever--
Ricky: Yeah, ever.
Karl: So, uhh, I said, "Yeah, yeah, bring one in." Now, you've got one at home...
Ricky: Yeah, I've got a couple.
Karl: But you couldn't be bothered carrying that in today so I had to go out of the pub that I was at...
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Nip into Borders...
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Buy a Guiness Book of Records--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Out of me own money--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: 18.99.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Bring it back, and then you said, "Ah, I don't know if I want to do this feature."
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: So it cost me 20 quid for that, I had to buy a video for "Silence of the Lambs" film clip.
Ricky Giggles
Karl: I'm actually out of pocket at the end of this.
Ricky and Steve Giggle
Ricky: But, do you want to work with me, is the thing. If you want to work with a- people would pay that sort of money to work with me, Karl. You're a lucky bloke. Think of how many people think, "Ahh, Karl, he gets to- gets to drink and sit..."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: You were making a cup of tea and I surprised you, didn't I? Little surpr- it's little surprises.
Karl: Steve, you know last night... do you know when I left the pub in a bit of a mood--
Steve: Yes.
Karl: Cuz I- just fed up with not gettin' anything done?
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Walking down the road, I was thinking, "How can I get out of this?"
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: "How can I stop havin' to work with him?" And thinking, "I wonder if I- if I leave, I wonder if they'll be funny and they'll go and then me boss will be giving me stick...", and thinking, "How much notice have I got to give? How- how-". And all this is going through me mind, I'm walking home and I got in, said to Suzanne, "I'm sick of it." She's going, "You need to do it, I want to get a new kitchen."
Ricky Explodes with Laughter
Karl: And I was like, "Yeah, but how big does the kitchen need to be?" I was sayin', "Do we need a big kitchen? Can we get a small one? Have we got enough for a small kitchen?"
Ricky Continues Laughing
Karl: "Do we need so many cupboards? Can we just have wood instead of steel?" All of this trying to get out of doing this.
Steve: Yeah. It's almost a sh- I always feel I- you know, cuz I- I like to think that I'm not perhaps as bad as him.
Ricky: Yeah, I know.
Karl: You annoy me in different ways.
Steve: Nice.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Like what? How does he annoy ya?
Karl: Well, stuff- stuff that, you know- I come up with ideas, say "Cheap as Chimps"--
Steve: Yeah. Yes.
Karl: Uh, "Rockbusters" springs to mind.
Steve: Yeah. Yeah. I like wh--
Karl: Uhh, "Fifteen Taiwan". Uhh...
Ricky Giggles
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Fifteen Taiwan". Let's just remind people what "Fifteen Taiwan" was.
Karl: It was a little feature that I wanted to give a run, you know- give it a little run, see if people like it. Ehh--
Steve: The premise being?
Ricky: No, there's no premise, just the title.
Karl: No, we were gonna get fifteen, sort of, ornaments, you'd explain them...
Ricky Laughs Quietly
Karl: And then people would call up and say--
Ricky: (Laughing) On radio.
Karl: "That one's from Taiwan."
Steve: See! Karl, you've just explained why I didn't think that was a good idea!
Karl: Yeah, but you--
Steve: By explaining the good- the--
Ricky: No--
Karl: Do you know what the funny thing is, Steve, right? I was walking down Regent Street on Monday... Walked past one of these big stores, right, and they got all famous quote- quotes on the windows, right.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And one of them was something like "An absurd idea is often a great idea."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Do you know who said that?
Steve: Go on.
Karl: Einstein.
Steve: Yes.
Karl: Which made me wonder... if you were his mate, would he ever have done "E equals mc squared"?
Ricky Snickers
Karl: Or would you have said, "Don't bother with that. It's not gonna work." Cuz that's all you seem to do. Everything I come up with--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: You put down.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Well, that's one thing: he's negative, right. I don't know- I don't know why- I don't know why he's- he is. What else?
Karl: He messes me about. I get him concert tickets for stuff and--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And you say, "Oh, I didn't bother going."
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah, that is annoying.
Karl: You come in, you know, with 5 minutes to go with tracks that need editing.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: The little bag. That bag that was free.
Karl: Yeah, you got a free bag today--
Ricky: Yep.
Karl: An XFM, little rucksack thing.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: You were like, "Ooh, what's this- what's this rubbish?"
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: Ricky said, "I'll have it! They're great!", you said, "No, I want it!"
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Well it was free. I need it. I'll give it as a gift or something.
Karl: Well...
Ricky: So... So, I mean, I think on reflection, Steve is probably a little more annoyin' than me.
Pause
Karl: Mmm.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: I w- I won't go that far.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: You are- you are annoyin'. If I had to go away for a week somewhere...
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: If it was a quiet place--
Ricky: Well, you are again, aren't ya? That's two holidays you had this week- this year, I mean.
Karl: If it was a busy place, I'd probably go with you cuz people - do you know what I mean - starin' at me all the time and that if I'm walkin' around with Steve.
Ricky Explodes With Laughter
Ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!!!
Karl: No, I'm just--
Ash - "There's a Star" Begins to Play
Ricky Continues to Laugh
Steve: Can I draw up a list of reasons I don't like you, Karl?
Ricky Continues Laughing
Karl: Just being honest.
Steve: Well... I'll tell you, cuz the list of reasons I don't like you is incredibly long. And gettin' longer.
Karl: I'm just sayin'.
Ricky Continues Laughing
Steve: Want another slap?
Song: Ash - There's a Star
You Can Be Sick On My Leg After
Ricky: "There's a Star". Ash, XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl...
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: All right, let's start again. Yeah? I'm gonna be the same but let's start again.
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: So, what I mean is: stop being grumpy and let's let me carry on bein'... annoyin'.
Karl: Mmm.
Ricky: Cuz Steve's not gonna change... He's not gonna suddenly start going, "You know what Karl, I think your ideas are really good." Do you know what I mean?
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: (Giggling) Remember when he came up with that idea- that gameshow idea--
Steve Makes a Sound of Disgust
Ricky: (Giggling) And you went- you went, "Well, it's not an idea, Karl." and he came to me and said- he said, "Ahh, I've had it with Steve." "What's it?" He went, "How did 'The Office' ever get on telly?"
Ricky Giggles
Steve: Well, what was the idea again in summary?
Karl: I don't want to talk about it on-air cuz someone will nick it.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: No, they won't!
Karl: They will! Donal MacIntyre's already got "Cheap as Chimps"!
Ricky Wheezes Laughter
Karl: I can sort- I bet they're in the making of "Rockbusters" as we speak.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.
Karl: So, I'm not- I'm not gonna tell you anymore about it because that idea--
Ricky: I reckon Bob Holness is probably nickin' that idea.
Steve: Exactly.
Karl: Well...
Ricky: Cheaky little... Right...
Karl: "Songs of Phrase" comin' soon.
Ricky: Is it?
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: Yeah? What is it this week? What's the- what's the phrase?
Karl: We're, uhmm, remember the story I told ya ages ago about, uhh--
Ricky Snickers
Karl: About me neighbor havin' a horse in her house?
Ricky: Oh, yeah.
Steve: Havin' a hor- yeah. A horse in--
Ricky: Uh- uh- uh- what's happened with that? Is Lenny Henry doing it as a series?
Karl: So, uh, hah--
Ricky: People are nickin' your ideas left, right and center.
Karl: Well, that's- that's the phrase we'll be usin', anyway.
Ricky: What?
Karl: Uhh, "Me neighbor had a horse in her house."
Ricky: How many words is that?!
Karl: 6.
Pause
Ricky: (Counting) My, nieghbor, had... So, there's no grammar either.
Steve Snickers
Ricky: "My neighbor had horse in house."
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: "My neighbor had horse in house."
Steve Giggles
Ricky: What- i- right... What is the phrase?
Karl: "Me neighbor had a horse in her house."
Ricky: "Had a- had" Is there- oh- are there any prepositions?
Steve: (Laughing) Let's wait 'til we hear it.
Ricky: Are there any prepositions in this sentence?
Steve: Look, don't judge it beforehand--
Ricky: Okay.
Steve: You see, I'm turning over a new leaf. I think this is a great idea, I think Karl's a genius and I look forward to hearing this enormously.
Ricky: Yeah, okay, and I won't be sick on your leg or squeeze your head or make you jump when you're (Laughing) making a cup of tea.
Steve: Just looking through the Guiness Book of Records--
Ricky: (Laughing) That is still the funniest thing, innit? Squeaking at someone when they got a cup of tea.
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: Right...
Steve: There are a lot of what strike me as seemingly pointless, uhh, feats... in the records.
Ricky: Uh, the Guiness Book of Records is- right, the Guiness Book of Records is great. I used to- I used to love it as a kid, I've had about 10 copies in my life - the last one I bought a couple of years ago - a present- it was really good. I- I love it. I love the real records: tallest, fattest, thinnest, best, fastest, most expensive, biggest and all that. But the ones that really annoy me are the ones that, the reason these people are in there for it- are the only people that tried.
Steve: What- yeah--
Ricky: Balancing a milk bottle on your head.
Steve: (Reading) "Most Watches Eaten".
Ricky Laughs
Steve: I just found that one.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: (Reading) "Kim Seung Do from South Korea ate 5 watches - the entire watch with the exception of the wrist band - in a time of 1 hour 34 minutes." What do you make of that, Karl?
Ricky: Made him regular.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: Come on.
Karl: How did they time him?
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: (Reading) "Most Live Rattlesnakes Held in the Mouth"? Eight live rattlesnakes held by, uhhm, it just says, "an idiot."
Ricky and Steve Chuckle
Ricky: Eya, this gives me an idea, Karl.
Steve: Talking of idiots.
Ricky: Yea, do you want to get in the Guiness Book of Records?
Karl: Nooo...
Steve: Karl, come on, it would be brilliant.
Ricky: Come on. There's thing- there's things in there that are- just absolutely anyone can do like that one in "Big Brother". I was watching it and it was, uhm, uhh, balancing sugar lumps! I wanna go, "How many people tried that?!" Are there schools around Britain going, "Listen, we've got to get into the sugar lump award."
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: "We gotta- it's grassroots level! There's not enough kids balancing sugar lumps!"
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: "How can we compete on the world market?!"
Karl: Yeah. I was looking at it last night and there was one about, ehh- about the farrest that a dog swam.
Steve: Brilliant.
Karl: Uhh, I think it was something like 9 miles but it had no choice, did it?
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Ya know what I mean? It took out to Atla- Atlantic or something--
Ricky and Steve Giggle Slighty
Karl: And said- it didn't want to do it--
Steve: Throw it in the water.
Karl: Yeah. So it's not all right to put it in a bin bag and chuck it in a canal.
Steve: No.
Karl: But, "oh, it's for a world record".
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: 9 miles it did.
Ricky: Ooh God.
Steve: Possible ones that you could do, Karl--
Ricky: What's the m- what's the most Forrest Gumps f- fitting in one wheelie bin?
Steve Chuckles
Steve: What about this one for you, Karl: uh, the record stands at the moment for "Most Arrows Caught by Hand". But that's quite tricky so what about "Most Arrows Caught by Head"?
Ricky Laughs Boisterously
Ricky: Yeah, they--
Steve: And you would just fire arrows at your head.
Ricky: They wouldn't- it would just skim off him--
Steve: Do you think so?
Ricky: Yeah, the roundness, it would never actually get any sort of, you know, connection.
Steve: "Fastest Human Crab". Could you do that?
Ricky: Oh, do that. What's--
Steve: Can you do- can you form the crab?
Ricky: Can you do that?
Karl: What's that?
Ricky: Just, like, go bending over backwards and running--
Karl: No, can't do that.
Ricky: No?
Karl: Got a bad back.
Ricky: Uhh... w--
Steve: Uhhm--
Ricky: What would you be good at?
Steve: What about "Hamburger Stuffing"?
Ricky: OOoh, you--
Steve: All right?
Ricky: Right, Karl, I- let me- all right... in the mouth you mean?
Steve: Well, it says, the record for stuffing the most regulation-size hamburgers including buns in the mouth at one time is how many? How many b- hamburgers with buns in the mouth...
Karl: Thi- this is just...
Steve: You're not swallowing anything, you've just got to stuff them in your mouth.
Ricky: Karl, you'd be soo good at this cuz the shape of your head. You've got a shape- his head's just like Hamburglar. You'd be good at this, man.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Honestly, you'd be perfect- you look like Zippy.
Steve: And the great thing is your head's empty so you could get more in there.
Ricky Stifles Laughter
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Do you know what I mean? This guy had a brain to contend with.
Ricky: Oh, do that- do that. What is it? Is it- could he- could he- is it possible? Is it mental?
Steve: Well, how many do you think it was?
Ricky: I don't know.
Steve: There were three burgers in buns. What do you reckon, Karl?
Karl: What- how- how quick he ate 'em?
Steve: He didn't eat them, it's just how many he can stuff in his face. So, literally ha- hold them within his cheeks and his mouth but don't swallow anything.
Pause
Karl: So, what- how many- how many burgers?
Steve: How many burgers... did he manage to get into his- his face?
Pause
Karl: Uh, this is a fella, it's- it's not...
Steve: Yes.
Karl: About... about 5?
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) No, no, no, no, 3 is the world record.
Ricky: 3?!
Steve: 3 is the world record.
Ricky: But how big are they, though?
Steve: It just says, "regulation-size". I don't know w--
Ricky: So, we could go to M- M- McDonald's or Burger King and get just hamburgers and that would count?
Steve: I think- yeah, just the regular burgers and we'll just stuff 'em in--
Karl Tries to Speak
Ricky: It won't count cuz we gotta get Norris McWhirter or whoever--
Steve: Well, yeah, but we could practice it now and then if- if you're triumphant- you get four in there--
Ricky: Come on, Karl.
Karl: No, I don't- I don't- you know I've got a- a small throat and that, I've- I used to choak a lot--
Steve: Well, you don't have to swallow 'em. That's the great thing.
Karl: Yeah, but I u- I don't- I don't like it. As a kid I'd- choaking on stuff and I'd- I get funny about it.
Steve: Karl--
Ricky: No- well, no just keep- keep your tongue at the back of your mouth and we'll stuff the hamburgers in.
Karl: No, I don't--
Ricky: OH, COME ON! Do something!
Steve: Karl, that is dynamite radio.
Ricky: W- w- he'll go- he'll go- he'll g- Steve will go and get the hamburgers--
Steve: Have I got to pay for 'em?
Ricky: Get- no, Karl get- give us the money.
Karl: I'm not paying for them.
Ricky: Oh, come on!
Karl: I've just spent 25 quid in total on a video and a Guiness Book of Records. That's costing me another 4 quid!
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Come o--
Karl: I'm not doing- no, I'm not doing it.
Ricky: Oh, come on. Come on.
Karl: No, I don't want to do that.
Ricky: Give us the money. Get- we'll pay you back. Andrew'll--
Karl: No, it's too- no, I don't want to do it.
Ricky: Oh, come on!
Karl: I'm not doing it.
Ricky: Come on! Do it! It's a- it's a interesting thing. Come on.
Karl: No.
Steve: You could be in the Guiness Book of Records, Karl.
Karl: Well- well, I'll leave it.
Ricky: Se- see if we can. Oh, please! Phone in if you want Karl--
Karl: No, I'd--
Ricky: To eat burgers. You don't have to swallow them. You can spit it all out. You can be sick on my leg after. Oh, come on! W--
Karl: No, cuz I don't like the- the stretching thing either.
Ricky: It don't stretch it you c--
Karl: It will stretch. I'll be like the little bloody dog on the Winston Churchill ad.
Ricky: Don't swear on-air!
Karl: Well, I'm just saying though- I know but it's si--
Ricky: We apologize to the radio authority. Karl is not only swearing but he's refusing to do things we come up with!
Karl: Oh, but the radio authority will be happy with me stuffing 3 burgers in me face.
Ricky Wheezes Laughter
Ricky Pounds the Desk
Ricky: (Laughing) Karl, look--
Karl: I'm not doing it.
Ricky: Yeah, we will. But go--
Karl: No. Leave it.
Ricky: You--
Steve: Right, I'm gonna go to- I'm gonna go to--
Ricky: I'll give you the money.
Karl: Can we do "Songs of Phrase" or something?
Steve: No, let's do--
Ricky: No. Right--
Ricky and Steve: Play a record.
Ricky: Play a record. He's gonna- you're gonna do it, Karl or you're- or you're fired.
Rod Stewart - Maggie May Begins To Play
Steve: No, actually he wants that.
Ricky: No, you're gonna do it. Do it. Please, do it. It'll be great, honestly. Please, do it.
Karl: What about Chicken McNuggets - meet halfway?
Ricky: Nooo! There's no record for Chicken McNuggets, mental!
Karl: Well...
Pause
Karl: I said I'm not doing it, Steve, so--
Ricky: You are. You are.
Song: Rod Stewart - Maggie May
Five Should Be Enough
104.9 In London
XFM
Ricky: Steve.
Steve: (Over the Phone) Yeah, hello.
Ricky: Can you hear me?
Steve: Yes. Can you hear me?
Ricky: Yeah. Where are ya?
Steve: I'm - I'm in one of, uhh, the capital's many burger joints. I'm just about to go up now and order, uhh, some burgers.
Ricky: Where are ya? Wha- wha- where are ya? Where are you in?
Steve: I'm in McDonald's in, uhh- in Leicester Square.
Ricky: Oh, right. Okay.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: What are ya gettin'?
Steve: (To Cashier) Hello?
Ricky: Just- just get- get- get--
Steve: Hang on a sec. Yeah.
Ricky: Get two I--
Steve: (To Cashier) Hello there. I need to order, uhh, 5 regular hamburgers, please. If that's all right.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Cashier: Anything else?
Steve: Sorry?
Cashier: You just want 5 hamburgers?
Steve: 5 hamburgers, yes. Yes.
Cashier: Just 5.
Steve: Are you- you're probably wondering why I'm ordering only 5 hamburgers, aren't you and let me tell you why - uh, my friend is gonna try and break the world record for putting--
Karl: I'm not. I'm not.
Steve: Burgers into his fat, stupid face. Uhmm, what do you make of that? Exciting?
Cashier: Yeah.
Steve: Do you wish him good luck?
Cashier: Yeah.
Steve: What's your name?
Cashier: Tia.
Steve: Tia?
Tia: Yeah.
Steve: Oh, thank you very much, Tia. I'll try and get Tia to, uh, wish you good luck in a minute, Karl.
Karl: Mm.
Steve: Uhm, just want to make sure, there--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) 5! 5- 5 should be enough.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: The world record is, what? 3?
Ricky: 3, yeah.
Steve: Okay, good. I dun- I dunno- I don't know what, uhm... Oh, here we go, how much is that?
Tia: 3.45.
Steve: 3.45?
Ricky: 3.45 for 5 hamburgers?!
Steve: It's good, innit? It's good value.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: (Laughing) It is, really, innit?
Steve: Really, yeah, I mean if there's anyone from hamburgers list- uh, from McDonald's listening, they probably want to give us some free stuff, I'd of thought.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: I'd of thought, Rick. (To Tia) Can you just, uh, wish my friend good luck before, uh, you- he's just on the other end of the line, there. Just say, "Good luck, Karl."
Tia: Good luck.
Tia Laughs
Karl: All right, then.
Steve: There you are. That's the people from McDonald's wishing you good luck.
Karl: Mm.
Steve: Karl, I'll- I'll be back shortly with the burgers.
Karl: All right.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Uh, do you want the pickles left in?
Steve Laughs Slightly
Song: Eminem - Sing for the Moment
Burgers
Ricky: Eminem... "Sing for the Moment"... on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant with 5 little hamburgers.
Steve: Got 5 burgers here. Yeah.
Steve Coughs
Steve: And, uhh, so I don't know. How should we begin, Karl? Do you want to just look at the size of these burgers? They're quite small--
Ricky: Oh! Uhm, look! They can see it on webcam, can't they? They can see us stuffing these burgers into your mouth.
Karl: Mmm.
Ricky: Uh, and I- uh, and by the way, I'm filming this, Steve.
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: L- look I've got a little camcorder.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: We- we'll put this on, unseen footage on a DVD or sommat.
Steve: Or, uh, maybe on the website.
Ricky: On the we- oh, Karl what if you break the record!
Steve: Okay, Karl, I'm coming 'round now to, uhh- to just, uhh, monitor this and ejudicate.
Karl: Well, I--
Ricky: What's the web- if people want to see this on the webcam, what is it?
Karl: Xfm.co.uk
Ricky: Right, okay.
Steve: This, uh--
Ricky: Hold on. Oh, can I st- can I still do that?
Karl: I'm not bein' funny- I'm not bein' funny, right, but I have got, like, a bit of a wheat thing.
Steve: You've got a bit of a what?
Karl: A wheat allergy thing--
Ricky: Oh, don't give me that!
Karl: No, seriously, me head's- I- I've been eatin' a lot of Shredded Wheat recently--
Ricky Laughs Boisterously
Karl: And me head's got a bit bigger.
Steve: Karl, I don't think you can let us down now, mate. So just- you've just got to put that first one in--
Karl: No, I can't- I can't put that like that in me mouth on its- with--
Ricky: What are you talking about?
Karl: I- I've got to break it up. I've got to break it up.
Steve: You can't break it up.
Ricky: Well, you can't break it up.
Karl: It doesn't say you can't on the rule thing.
Steve: I think it does. It's got to go in--
Karl: It doesn't. I can't- look, I physically can't.
Steve: Try it.
Karl: The on- the- I can't- look! I'd have to be Jade Goody to be able to do that.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Seriously, look. (Muffled) I can't.
Steve: Try it. Try it. Try it. Try it.
Karl Makes Muffled Noises
Steve: Yeah, I know but you're not doing it- you're not approaching it right. That's it.
Ricky: Oh, come on! Go on! Go on!
Steve: That's almost a- (Laughing Slightly) keep going.
Ricky: Oh, God! He's not gonna do one!
Steve: Keep going! Keep going! Keep going! That's good work. That's good work! Keep going. Ease--
Karl Makes Muffled Noises
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) How did they get three in?! Keep pushing!
Steve: Ease it in. Ease it in.
Ricky: Keep pushing! Keep pushing! Get one in at least!
Steve: Ease it in.
Ricky: Get one in at least! Get one in!
REM - Nightswimming Begins to Play
Karl Makes Muffled Noises
Steve: Ease it in.
Ricky: Get one in!
Karl: (Muffled) I can't!
Ricky: Push it. Push it.
Karl Makes Muffled Noises
Ricky Laughs
Steve: That's one! That's one! That's good, let's go for another one!
Ricky: Let's go one--
Song: REM - Nightswimming
Me Head is Swelling a Bit
Ricky: REM, "Nightswimming". It's a lovely song, innit, Karl?
Silence
Ricky: Uh?
Karl: Mm.
Ricky: XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me: Steve Merchant. Karl, disappointing. Disappointing. You couldn't even get one whole burger in your mouth.
Karl: I did, kind of.
Ricky: Yeah, but there was a bit sticking out, it just looked messey, there was no--
Karl: Yeah, but you were saying about putting it in whole and y- I don't think that's the rule.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: W- w--
Karl: It's like you fit more in a suitcase if you- if you put things in properly.
Ricky: So--
Karl: You don't just get out all your clothes and chuck 'em in. So it's about- I reckon you've got to rip it up a bit--
Ricky: Okay, do that, then.
Karl: All right.
Ricky: See how many you get in. You've gotta get in 2.
Sounds of Rustling of Paper
Karl: No, just- just one!
Ricky: No- no--
Steve: Well it's- it's 3, is the--
Ricky: You gotta pack it in. What you gotta do is pack your cheeks first.
Karl: Honestly, Steve me head is- is swellin' a bit cuz I- I have got a wheat thing.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Wheat allergy.
Ricky: That'll be good though, there'll be more room.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: All right, okay, look, Karl is now sticking it in his cheek.
Steve: Okay, that's--
Karl: Right?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Don't eat any.
Steve: You can't swallow any. It's like a hamster, you've got to work it like a hamster.
Ricky: Yeah. Stick it in. Come on.
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: (Laughing) Look at his face!
Ricky Laughs
Steve: He looks like Marlon Brando in "The Godfather".
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Mmm.
Ricky: Come on!
Karl Grumbles
Ricky: Don't lose any! Yeah. All right. Right--
Steve: Pack it in then. Use your fingers to pack it in. That's it.
Ricky: Come on!
Steve: Wedge it in.
Pause
Steve: Like you're grouting the bath.
Karl: (Muffled) I can't do this either.
Ricky Explodes with Laughter
Ricky Hops Around the Room Laughing
Steve: Keep going! Keep going!!!
Karl Mumbles
Steve: Keep going. Don't give up so early!
Ricky Laughs and Claps
Karl: (Muffled) I'm not--
Steve: This is part of the problem, you just give up, Karl, too quickly.
Ricky: Yeah, you failed again. It's like your history O Level. Come on, Karl! Be a- d- come on! Do something well!
Steve: That's- that's one down! That's--
Ricky: Succeed at something! Push it in. You've got a whole- nearly a half a burger there. Or I'll come 'round- I'll come 'round there!
Pause
Ricky: You're chewin'!! Don't chew!
Karl: (Muffled) I've gotta be able to fit it in!
Ricky Wheezes with Laughter
Steve Giggles
Ricky Stomps Around the Room
Steve: (Laughing) I don't know what he said but... Is that a whole one?
Ricky: Right, is that a whole one?
Karl: (Muffled) Yeah.
Ricky: No, it's not! I can see bits left!
Pause
Steve: Come on, Karl. Come on. Keep working at it.
Karl: (Muffled) I can't do it anymore.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Keep working at it. Look, there's so much space in your mouth - I can see it.
Karl Says Something Unintelligible
Ricky: He's going red. Okay. Okay, we'll do another one.
Steve: We're gonna abandon that one then.
Ricky: We'll do another one. We'll do anoth- oh, s- are you all right?
Pause
Steve Laughs
Steve: Are you gonna be sick?
Ricky: Are you all right?
Pause
Steve: All right?
Karl: Mm.
Steve: Uhh?
Ricky: Oh God, should we play a record? Uhm, he's makin' my eyes water now.
Unknown Artist - Unknown Song Begins to Play
Steve: Uhhh.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: Oh- oh, dear!
Steve: Karl, I'll find a different one for you.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Find a different one for him.
Steve: What about "Most Grapes Eaten in 3 Minutes"?
Ricky: I'll go. Do you want to do that? Grapes are easy, aren't they?
Steve: "Most Grapes Eaten in-" That's easy, grapes. Come on, Karl.
Ricky: Come on! Grapes are easy--
Unknown Artist - Unknown Song