05 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 05 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

When's Karl Coming Back?

Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, “Check the Meaning” on XFM 104.9. We’re back Steve. It’s Saturday.

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: Uh, Steve Merchant, that is.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais, obviously.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Karl’s still away. Claire Sturgis is back.

Steve: That’s absolutely true.

Claire: Hello. Yeah.

Steve: Hello there Claire. Nice to see ya. I think a lot of people were hoping that Karl would be back this week, but--

Claire: Yeah, they were. No, they were, actually. I did get some e-mails during the week.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Saying what?

Claire: Just saying, “It’s really nice to, you know, hear you again on a Saturday afternoon. It’s nice. Um, but-but you’re not really very funny and when’s Karl coming back?” You know.

Steve: Ohh.

Claire: So it’s, sort of, being nice to me--

Ricky: So it wasn’t to us?

Claire: No, no. It was definitely to me.

Ricky: Cause they think that, as well. But no one can compete with Karl.

Claire: They can’t.

Ricky: We used to, sort of, like, um, come in and, uh- when we discovered Karl early on we just thought, “This is comedy gold. Just let him speak his mind.”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: But then we started thinking, “Oh, we can’t follow him, though.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Cause I remember Steve going, “Look, we’ve got to come up with some stuff--”

Steve: We need, we need to chat. If anything we've got to say to each other, we’ve got to say that within the first twenty minutes and then you just unleash Karl.

Ricky: Yeah. Cause it’s- it‘s just- you can’t follow him. And he’s- he goes off on one. There’s stories of, um, upbringings with bizarre creatures that lived in Manchester that were half-human, half-bat and frog.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And things.

Steve: I’d love to take him back to Manchester in some kind of TV documentary. You know, “When Karl Went Home”.

Claire: Ohh.

Steve: Then just fonder back, maybe try and find the amphibian twins or whatever those people were.

Ricky: Yeah. They weren’t- they-they, yeah. There was two-two boys, both had big heads and webbed feet. They weren’t related. They di- they didn’t hang around with each other.

Steve: That was all the information we had, Claire.

Ricky: I went, “Why not?” He went, “That would have been too obvious.”

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Like they look at each other across a room and go, “Yeah, you think I’m going to come over and see you just cause we’ve got, just cause we’re similar species.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “You’re mistaken, mate!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “You make your own friends.”

Steve: One starts to walk over there. One shakes his head and just mouths, “Too obvious.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire chuckles

Steve: “Don’t do it. Too obvious.”

Ricky: Out of one of his mouths.

Steve: Yeah. “That’s what they’re expecting.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Don’t do it.”

Ricky: “Don’t do it.”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: “Don’t-don’t do it, webby.”

Steve: Yeah. But anyway, he’ll -he’ll be back shor-shortly, I’m sure.

Ricky: He phoned me, um, uh. His dad’s, um, ill. Uh, his dad’s in hospital so Karl went back to sort of look after his mum. He was so sweet. He said, “Oh, I’ll be back. I’m just driving my mum around.” And he went, he said it so unbegrudgingly. He just went, “Um, it’s like old times.” And, uh, I said, “Oh, so sorry to hear that.” He went, “That’s alright, yeah. Um, and, uh, I think he’s going to be fine.” And-and I said, “How was your holiday?” He went, “Yeah, it were good… except there was a nudist beach. They didn’t tell me.”

Steve and Claire laugh

Steve: Of course there was.

Ricky: I went, “What do you mean?” He went, “Well, oh. Sitting on- I-I don’t know why they have to do it. I don’t know why they have to do it. Why do they have to do it?” He went, “Suzanne said they think there’s nothing wrong with it like being a transvestite.” Right? Right?

Claire sniggers

Ricky: I went, “I love the fact that your girlfriend has to tell you what’s wrong and right in the world.” He went, “Well, we were walking along the beach, fella coming towards us with naught about. I went, ‘Oh, what’s going on here?’”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Alright? He said, he said, uh, “And because he wasn’t all nude. He’s walking around, he’s stark naked and he wants the freedom of that, but he’s got a big rucksack on his back with his clothes on just to get changed.”

Steve and Claire laugh

Ricky: He went, “So where’s the point in that?” Right? I went, “You should have just carried a book.” He went, “What, and covered it up when he went?" He went, "Oh, yeah. Good idea.” See? He went, “But I wasn’t happy.” He says, “And that was the first day, so we didn’t go there again.”

Steve and Claire laugh

Steve: I just imagine his little face.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, he’s just going, “Oh, right.”

Steve: Gob smacked.

Ricky: “That’s out. That's out. What’s that doing out?”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: “Why’s he got his out?”

Steve: I imagine Karl, sort of, dressed in a suit.

Ricky laughs

Steve: In a, sort of, Safari suit, done right up, with a cravat. “I’m not, I’m not undressing. I don’t want people seeing flesh.”

Ricky: Oh, bless him.

Steve: You know, “That’s for you, love, and no one else.”

Ricky: But I love the fact that- I just see his girlfriend goes, “Karl, they-they don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. They’re just happier that way.” And he, in his own mind, just goes, “Like being a transvestite.”

Steve and Claire chuckle

Ricky: He knows there’s nothing wrong with that.

Steve: I’m always a little bit suspect about people who like walking around nude.

Ricky: I thought he was going to say transvestites.

Steve: No. No, nudists.

Ricky: What- hold on. Can you have- can you be a naked transvestite? What are you then?

Steve: Yeah. I suppose you’re a…

Ricky: When Eddie Izzard is naked, is he a naked transvestite?

Steve: I see an interesting metaphorical- metaphysical question.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9.

Steve: If you know the answer about that metaphysical question or, indeed, any of the famous ones; uh, if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, has it fallen over?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Genius! Excellent. That’s--

Steve: Any of those.

Ricky: That’s brilliant. What’s--

Steve: If you leave the room, Rick, does it get quieter?

Ricky: Yeah. What’s- yeah. What’s the sound of one leg hopping?

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly. Uh, what we got there, Claire?

Claire: Um, do you want some music or--

Ricky and Steve: Yeah!

Steve: Yeah, love to hear it. What you got?

Claire: A bit more chat?

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: I’ve got The Vines, actually.

Steve: Oh, play it, play it, play it, play it.

Claire: Nice.

Song: The Vines- Out of the Way

And the Glasses...

Ricky: Hey Claire! “Out of the Way.”

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Nah, I’m not talking to you. It’s the, uh, it’s the name of the, uh, the song by The Vines.

Steve: Excellent.

Ricky: Yeah. Oh, XFM--

Steve: Yeah- ooh.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And, uh--

Ricky and Steve: Claire Sturgess.

Steve: Have you ever been to a nudist beach? Have either of you been to a nudist beach?

Claire: Eh, yes.

Steve: I find- have you really? I-I--

Claire: No, last month I went on holiday to Antigua and then I went on the nudist beach.

Steve: Really?

Claire: I wanted an all over.

Steve: Sure.

Claire: Mm.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Cause I, um, I was with my family once when we went on holiday, a family holiday with, uh--

Ricky: I just imagine you going on a- and a, uh, inspector coming along, going, “And the glasses!”

Steve and Claire laugh

Ricky: “And the glasses! And you don’t wear them there.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Oh. Um… No, I went there. It was some friends of my fam- family friends, you know, like, kids that, sort of- kids my age and my sister’s age who, uh- and parents. We were all friends, you know, da da da. Goes- go on holiday to this and end up on this nudist beach. Not-not a nudist beach, but where people sunbathe topless or whatever. Or maybe--

Ricky: Oh, yeah. Of course. All-

Steve: Maybe it was just, maybe it was just because it was France.

Ricky: Well, yeah. Exactly.

Steve: Where I think a lot of that goes on, generally.

Ricky: All-all-all--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Beaches in- yeah.

Steve: Mm. Uh, semi-nude.

Ricky: But that‘s- that’s different. Nudists beaches are, sort of- they’re cordoned off.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, there with the cocks and everything.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: We can’t say that.

Steve: Can’t say cocks.

Ricky: Or did you mean the chicken. You mean the chickens.

Steve: The chickens.

Ricky: A lot of, a lot of--

Steve: A lot of ‘em have got farms. A lot of French farms.

Ricky: Naked people. Hairy, male… birds around there.

Steve: There is a lot of poultry.

Ricky: And by “male bird”, I don’t mean transsexual.

Steve: You don’t mean- no, I don’t want to- Cause that’s also--

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s also offensive.

Ricky: That's also offensive, so be careful when-whenever--

Steve: Please be careful. Claire! Be careful what you’re gonna say on air, because you‘ve got to be careful.

Ricky: I just want to say to the Radio Authority or anyone listening, when we say “cock”, we are referring to a male bird and-and--

Steve: There is no discussion there. There’s nothing- there’s no other issue. There’s no other ambiguity.

Ricky: Okay, go on. What are you--

Steve: So, um, there’s people walking around with their birds and-and-and, uh--

Claire Laughs

Steve: Often they got their knobs out, as well. And, um, and, uh, so da, da, da, da. It was just a, just a topless beach. So we were all--

Ricky: So there were tits there, as well?

Steve: There was some tits.

Ricky: Um, well we got, we got a family of tits that come and eat the nuts… That chew on my nuts.

Steve: I think, I think--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: We’re confusing, we’re confusing ourselves.

Ricky: No, but we have! Jane’s got a little, um, bag of nuts--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That she makes me hang out of the window.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So--

Steve: So you’ll often be hanging your nuts out the window--

Ricky: And the tits will--

Steve: So the tits can--

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: God! I don’t know what--

Steve: Please!

Ricky: Go, get on with the story!

Steve: Sorry! So what I’m saying is--

Ricky: Thank God!

Steve: What I’m saying is--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We went on holiday as a family there--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There was some tits. There was some cocks and, uh--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: And I found it all a little bit- cause I was about fourteen or something. I found it all a little bit disturbing. I- cause I hadn’t been introduced to this sort of thing before.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, obviously, my dad was having none of it. Like, a bit like Karl and obviously my mum wasn’t up for that as I am.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But the person we went with, the mother of the person we went with, she, uh, she took her top off. And I was like, I was- I- didn’t, I-I didn’t know where to look.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Cause I didn’t want to make an issue of it. I didn’t want to make, you know, I didn’t want to- But it was like- cause I was with my mate. I was going, “Well, I’m not sure what to say, but there’s your mom with her knockers out, really.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “I mean.. that’s your, that’s your mum over there.”

Ricky: “Hello Dave.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Oh, there’s your mum’s, there’s your mum’s, there’s your mum’s knockers.”

Steve: “Oh. Oh.“

Ricky: Um, ah, there you go. Yeah.”

Steve: “You’ve--”

Ricky: “Oh, there’s your dad, there’s your dad popped out.”

Steve: “Yep.”

Ricky: “Popped out his little, little man.”

Steve: “He’s got his little fella out.”

Ricky: “Um, his little fella out there.”

Steve: “Your dad’s fella is there. He’s wandering about and uh--.”

Ricky: “He is having a- He’s getting a tan on his little fella.”

Steve: “And your mom’s got the old , the old milkers out, so, uh--”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was all a, it was all a little bit disturbing and I’ve never quite got that-that image out of my head, really. Cause it was, it was all- I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t know what to do.

Ricky: My, um, my friend of mine- I won’t say who his name is, right? Um, uh, he’s about twenty-five now. When he was, I think, fourteen and fifteen, I mean, the worst age, he went to a nudist holiday with his parents.

Steve laughs sympathetically

Ricky: And-and his, and his sister and some of her sister’s friends. And he absolutely hated it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He absolutely--

Steve: Well, that’s- I-I- it-it-it makes me, um, sort of queasy to think about it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Especially if you’re with your family and friends.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Because it’s… I don’t mind looking at nudey ladies that I don’t know, Rick, but I don’t want to look at relatives.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: You know, or people I’ve grown up with, or, indeed, the likes of you. I don’t want to have to see that kind of flesh down there. I don’t want to, I don’t want to know what’s going on underneath those clothes.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: You know, you’ve keepin them from me. Well, you haven’t. You-you’ve show me much of it--

Claire Laughs

Steve: In the time I’ve known you.

Ricky: Well, sometimes--

Steve: Do you know there’s not a bit of your body I haven’t seen at some point?

Ricky giggles

Steve: You know, you’ll have got your trousers down, “Look at the arse!” That was, you know, thinking that was hilarious or the old, you know, the, uh, the Johnson.

Ricky: Yeah, um, feeding the birds on the windowsill.

Steve: Mm. Mm. Mm.

Ricky: Um, but, uh, yeah. No, it is, it is strange cause there, you know, there isn’t, there isn’t anything wrong with it. Let’s face it; there’s nothing wrong with it, but, um, I know what you mean. It’s--

Steve: I think it’s cause we spend so long, we spend so much of the time covering it up. You know, it’s like, it’s like in the summer months when girls start wearing, kind of, short sleeve, uh, t-shirts or short skirts. You’ll have blokes just going mental. Just, “Rawr! Urghh!!”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Just cause--

Ricky: Hormones.

Steve: Women spend most of the year, because it’s so cold here, covered up, that men forget what’s under there and then when summer comes around, they can’t believe it.

Ricky: You know, you know when-when blokes do actually just hang out of a car window or hang over scaffolding and say, “Get your tits out”--

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I wanna go, “Has that ever worked?”

Steve: Yeah, has it ever worked?

Ricky: “Has- have- what’s your success rate with that with wooing women?”

Steve: “Well, I was off to my big job in the city--”

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “But I’ve got twenty minutes. Why not? Shall I come up there or you gonna come down?”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: Oh. Right, what we got? What we got coming up? What we got coming up? Quick, keep ‘em hooked.

Ricky snaps his fingers

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, you know, Rick--

Ricky: Let’s have some songs and some more chat.

Steve: There’ll be some chitter-chatter and, uh, there’ll be some songs. We had an e-mail last week from a fella, calling himself Paul. I don’t know if that’s his real name.

Ricky: Heh! I’m suspicious.

Steve: I’m already suspicious.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said that sometime ago we played a cracking Johnny Cash cover version of U2’s “One”.

Claire: Ohh.

Steve: Remember that?

Claire: Oh, yeah.

Steve: I think maybe the last time you were here, Claire, maybe.

Claire: Oh, class!

Steve: Um, and he says, uh, he’s been trying to track down that album. He says, “Unfortunately, like an idiot, I didn’t listen to it and I didn’t catch the name of the album. Could you, by any chance, send me, uh, the album?”

Ricky: He’s having a laugh.

Steve: He’s having a laugh.

Claire chuckles

Ricky: What, for free?

Steve: Yeah. So that’s not going to happen.

Ricky: So, actually, e-mail him back and say, “Paul--”

Steve: Should I do it right now?

Ricky: “Give us, give us eight quid.”

Steve can be heard typing

Ricky: “For no reason.”

Steve: I’ve also, I’ve also called him some quite offensive names.

Ricky: Put some of that.

Steve: I’ll put, uh, “From Gervais”.

Ricky: Oh, dear. He’s not going to like that.

Steve: Yeah, that’s pretty grim.

Ricky: Nor is his mother.

Steve: No.

Ricky: You shouldn’t have brought her into it.

Steve: Indeed.

Steve and Claire laugh

Ricky: Johnny Cash.

Steve: Oh, nice.

Ricky: Johnny Cash, “Change From the Durex Machine”. Did you get it?

Steve: Oh, that’s classic.

Song: Johnny Cash- One