05 October 2002/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 05 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
When's Karl Coming Back?
Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, “Check the Meaning” on XFM 104.9. We’re back Steve. It’s Saturday.
Steve: That’s true enough.
Ricky: Uh, Steve Merchant, that is.
Steve: Hello there.
Ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais, obviously.
Steve: Hello there.
Ricky: Karl’s still away. Claire Sturgis is back.
Steve: That’s absolutely true.
Claire: Hello. Yeah.
Steve: Hello there Claire. Nice to see ya. I think a lot of people were hoping that Karl would be back this week, but--
Claire: Yeah, they were. No, they were, actually. I did get some e-mails during the week.
Steve: Really?
Ricky: Saying what?
Claire: Just saying, “It’s really nice to, you know, hear you again on a Saturday afternoon. It’s nice. Um, but-but you’re not really very funny and when’s Karl coming back?” You know.
Steve: Ohh.
Claire: So it’s, sort of, being nice to me--
Ricky: So it wasn’t to us?
Claire: No, no. It was definitely to me.
Ricky: Cause they think that, as well. But no one can compete with Karl.
Claire: They can’t.
Ricky: We used to, sort of, like, um, come in and, uh- when we discovered Karl early on we just thought, “This is comedy gold. Just let him speak his mind.”
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: But then we started thinking, “Oh, we can’t follow him, though.”
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Cause I remember Steve going, “Look, we’ve got to come up with some stuff--”
Steve: We need, we need to chat. If anything we've got to say to each other, we’ve got to say that within the first twenty minutes and then you just unleash Karl.
Ricky: Yeah. Cause it’s- it‘s just- you can’t follow him. And he’s- he goes off on one. There’s stories of, um, upbringings with bizarre creatures that lived in Manchester that were half-human, half-bat and frog.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: And things.
Steve: I’d love to take him back to Manchester in some kind of TV documentary. You know, “When Karl Went Home”.
Claire: Ohh.
Steve: Then just fonder back, maybe try and find the amphibian twins or whatever those people were.
Ricky: Yeah. They weren’t- they-they, yeah. There was two-two boys, both had big heads and webbed feet. They weren’t related. They di- they didn’t hang around with each other.
Steve: That was all the information we had, Claire.
Ricky: I went, “Why not?” He went, “That would have been too obvious.”
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Like they look at each other across a room and go, “Yeah, you think I’m going to come over and see you just cause we’ve got, just cause we’re similar species.”
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: “You’re mistaken, mate!”
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: “You make your own friends.”
Steve: One starts to walk over there. One shakes his head and just mouths, “Too obvious.”
Ricky: Yeah.
Claire chuckles
Steve: “Don’t do it. Too obvious.”
Ricky: Out of one of his mouths.
Steve: Yeah. “That’s what they’re expecting.”
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: “Don’t do it.”
Ricky: “Don’t do it.”
Steve chuckles
Ricky: “Don’t-don’t do it, webby.”
Steve: Yeah. But anyway, he’ll -he’ll be back shor-shortly, I’m sure.
Ricky: He phoned me, um, uh. His dad’s, um, ill. Uh, his dad’s in hospital so Karl went back to sort of look after his mum. He was so sweet. He said, “Oh, I’ll be back. I’m just driving my mum around.” And he went, he said it so unbegrudgingly. He just went, “Um, it’s like old times.” And, uh, I said, “Oh, so sorry to hear that.” He went, “That’s alright, yeah. Um, and, uh, I think he’s going to be fine.” And-and I said, “How was your holiday?” He went, “Yeah, it were good… except there was a nudist beach. They didn’t tell me.”
Steve and Claire laugh
Steve: Of course there was.
Ricky: I went, “What do you mean?” He went, “Well, oh. Sitting on- I-I don’t know why they have to do it. I don’t know why they have to do it. Why do they have to do it?” He went, “Suzanne said they think there’s nothing wrong with it like being a transvestite.” Right? Right?
Claire sniggers
Ricky: I went, “I love the fact that your girlfriend has to tell you what’s wrong and right in the world.” He went, “Well, we were walking along the beach, fella coming towards us with naught about. I went, ‘Oh, what’s going on here?’”
Steve laughs
Ricky: Alright? He said, he said, uh, “And because he wasn’t all nude. He’s walking around, he’s stark naked and he wants the freedom of that, but he’s got a big rucksack on his back with his clothes on just to get changed.”
Steve and Claire laugh
Ricky: He went, “So where’s the point in that?” Right? I went, “You should have just carried a book.” He went, “What, and covered it up when he went?" He went, "Oh, yeah. Good idea.” See? He went, “But I wasn’t happy.” He says, “And that was the first day, so we didn’t go there again.”
Steve and Claire laugh
Steve: I just imagine his little face.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Yeah, he’s just going, “Oh, right.”
Steve: Gob smacked.
Ricky: “That’s out. That's out. What’s that doing out?”
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: “Why’s he got his out?”
Steve: I imagine Karl, sort of, dressed in a suit.
Ricky laughs
Steve: In a, sort of, Safari suit, done right up, with a cravat. “I’m not, I’m not undressing. I don’t want people seeing flesh.”
Ricky: Oh, bless him.
Steve: You know, “That’s for you, love, and no one else.”
Ricky: But I love the fact that- I just see his girlfriend goes, “Karl, they-they don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. They’re just happier that way.” And he, in his own mind, just goes, “Like being a transvestite.”
Steve and Claire chuckle
Ricky: He knows there’s nothing wrong with that.
Steve: I’m always a little bit suspect about people who like walking around nude.
Ricky: I thought he was going to say transvestites.
Steve: No. No, nudists.
Ricky: What- hold on. Can you have- can you be a naked transvestite? What are you then?
Steve: Yeah. I suppose you’re a…
Ricky: When Eddie Izzard is naked, is he a naked transvestite?
Steve: I see an interesting metaphorical- metaphysical question.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: On XFM 104.9.
Steve: If you know the answer about that metaphysical question or, indeed, any of the famous ones; uh, if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, has it fallen over?
Ricky and Steve laugh
Ricky: Genius! Excellent. That’s--
Steve: Any of those.
Ricky: That’s brilliant. What’s--
Steve: If you leave the room, Rick, does it get quieter?
Ricky: Yeah. What’s- yeah. What’s the sound of one leg hopping?
Steve chuckles
Steve: Exactly. Uh, what we got there, Claire?
Claire: Um, do you want some music or--
Ricky and Steve: Yeah!
Steve: Yeah, love to hear it. What you got?
Claire: A bit more chat?
Ricky: Yeah.
Claire: I’ve got The Vines, actually.
Steve: Oh, play it, play it, play it, play it.
Claire: Nice.
Song: The Vines- Out of the Way