07 December 2002/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 07 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
They Won't Even Press Record
Song: Richard Ashcroft - Science of Silence
Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Science of Silence" on XFM 104.9. I love that.
Steve: Yes. Concur.
Ricky: He's one of my favorite artists now, I just think... I- he's so- I don't know why he's not ballistic.
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: He's got everything. He's got- one of our best rock stars.
Steve: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais.
Steve: (Laughing) Hello there!
Ricky: You're Steve Merchant.
Steve: I am indeed.
Ricky: Ehhh, Karl Pilkington, over there. (Loudly) Big day today!
Steve: Really?
Ricky: Yeh, for Karl. He hasn't been looking forward to it, he's been whingin' in the week. A couple of things: he thinks he's overworked, he thinks he- he thinks he's overworked here and he's stressed and he's got to do DIY. MTV are coming im- in, right to give him the chance of a- a lifetime to do a- just a little screen test and he's going, "Well, I'm not gonna look good, am I? They're not gonna-", I go, "Why?", he said, "Well, I've got a round head and I'll be wearin' headphones".
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: And uhh, he's- he's not made an effort, he thinks, "Ooh, I'll put 'em off" he said, "They won't even press 'Record'". He's got a spot on his head.
Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Ricky: I mean...You know wh- also--
Steve: Karl, you're not looking forward to it? You're not excited about it? It's a great oppurtunity.
Karl: Why's it a great oppurtunity?
Ricky: To get on MTV?!
Karl: No but--
Ricky: It's money for old rope.
Steve: Presenting.
Karl: No but look what's happened to people like, umm, Jeremy Speak or whatever his name is and all that.
Ricky: Jeremy Spake, yeah.
Karl: Yeah and ummm--
Ricky: Yeah. Slightly different. Slightly different.
Karl: Why is it?
Ricky: Well...
Karl: See?
Ricky: Y- you're- you're makin' it in the industry and you've got- you've got something to give, he- he happened to be around while they were filming an airport.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Yeah, well--
Ricky: Do you see the difference?
Karl: All right, the other one then, who's on a boat.
Pause
Ricky: Same thing--
Steve: She's doing very well!
Ricky: Although at least she had a skill. She had a skill, you know, she can sing. You know...
Karl: Well she- she's c- I d- I d- I think it can all go wrong... d'ya know what I mean?
Ricky: Well of course it can. So can sitting in your little room moanin' about nothing happening in the world. You know he- he wanted to stop "Educating Ricky" cuz nothing had happened. He said- he said, "Look what happened last week - I scoured the net...", he said, "all I found was a dog in a car wash and a parrot and a vicar."
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: I'll tell you what: there aint much more going on this week.
Ricky: Well you're talkin' sh- listen, me and Steve... yesterday, we took a day off to prove you wrong and we've come up with two of the most incredible things.
Steve: Extraordinary.
Ricky: I told you about- they're amazing. So there are things out there or s- just- j- but go for truth- go for truth and science and discovery--
Karl: Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do, yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Fact is- is stranger than fiction. You don't have to resert- revert to, sort of like, God and ghosts.
Karl: I know, yeah. I know, yeah.
Ricky: Do you know what I mean?
Karl: But the funny thing is... do you know, like, the last couple of weeks I been sayin' there's not much going on?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I found out, when I was looking that there was a day in 1930... right, it was a Good Friday, there was no news, there was nothing going on...
Ricky Begins To Laugh
Karl: They had to put a music video on or something.
Ricky and Steve Laugh Quietly
Karl: On the telly. Because there was nothing going on.
Ricky: Play a record. We're gonna play some classic tracks today. This is d- "Debaser".
Song: Pixies - Debaser
A Good Way of Promoting This Show
Ricky: Pixies, "Debaser". I was looking forward to playing that, came in, said, "Karl, play that-", lookin-... he put it on... uhh... Lauren just called through and said we played that in the last half hour.
Steve: Mm. Embarrassing.
Ricky: Uh, yeah.
Steve: It's really embarrassing.
Ricky: So, what is the point of having a producer if he doesn't check things out. So, I mean, it's a good track, I mean, I'm sorry if you heard that twice in the last hour.
Karl: Right.
Ricky: Go on, go on. You were going to say sommat?
Karl: So you expect me to listen to everything all the time? I've been running around- I get in early on a Saturday--
Ricky: Well you got in around the same time as me.
Karl: I g- I went out and bought you some biscuits, so you're happy...
Ricky Giggles
Karl: I put the coffee on.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I sorted what prizes we're gonna give away, I've been running to the library getting you certain tracks--
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: I can't listen all the time. I'm doing me best!
Steve: Ahh, I'm just not sure it's good enough, Karl.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: I mean, I'm worried when MTV come in, if they've heard this kind of shoddy production, they're gonna start to wonder why--
Ricky: Is it a--
Karl: Well they play the same songs every five minutes anyway.
Ricky: Yeah sorry you're so overworked because you were on Zoe Ball's show talking.
Steve: Oh hello! What's going on here?!
Ricky: Well I was--
Steve: He was excl- he was exclusively to be on our show--
Ricky: Well I was in the ca- I was in the car--
Steve: I seem to remember, Rick, he was- he was a nobody--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: That got a chance to come on air and talk about things and now he's getting auditioned for MTV!
Ricky: And guess what he was- guess what he was talkin' about on Zoe's show.
Steve: Oh hello.
Ricky: All the jellyfish stuff and all that... kind of stuff...
Steve: I can't believe it! Recycling--
Ricky: Yep.
Steve: Material that he did on this show!
Ricky: Yep.
Ricky: I phoned in- I phoned in, right, and I went, "Stop doing material on Zoe's B-", right. He just hung up on me.
Steve: That is j--
Karl: Well I had a job to do!
Steve: Who do you think you are?!
Karl: Look--
Steve: Your ego has just gone through the roof!
Karl: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.
Steve: What?!
Karl: I had a job to do in the week, they asked me to drive the desk for Zoe, right.
Ricky: They didn't say talk!
Karl: Zoe... if she talks to ya, you can't just ignore her!
Steve: Yes you can!
Ricky Chuckles
Karl: No you can't.
Steve: Who is she?!
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Ah, well...
Steve: Who does she think she is? You made a promise to us - a pact - that you are our, kind of...
Karl: Yeah...
Ricky: Monkey.
Karl: Yeah, but what do I do? If someone takes time off, I've got to do it. It's me job.
Ricky: It's not your job.
Steve: Yeah but you don't have to talk. You don't have to use--
Ricky: You're the head of production. We've given you this special gig. This is like taking you out weekends...
Steve: Yeah, exactly.
Ricky: And we- you know, if we find out you're gettin' too much excitement in the week, we'll have to just calm it down...
Karl: Well...
Ricky: Get another little--
Karl: Well that's it anyway, it was only last week.
Ricky Exhales
Steve: Do you know, I feel like, kind of sullied, I feel betrayed. It's like you were having an affair behind our backs--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And you rumbled it.
Ricky: He was doin' all the stuff, he was doin' all this- like, "Ooh, yeah, jellyfish and this and jelly fish that..."
Karl: Yeah because she was askin'! And I thought it was a good way of promotin' this show, actually.
Steve: Oooooh convenient!
Ricky: Did you mention this show?!
Karl: Yeah, I did at some point.
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: Did ya? What did you say?
Karl: I just said, uhh, "More about that on Saturday afternoons".
Ricky: So you talked twice - I only heard you talk once. So you're talkin' all the time, are you?
Karl: Well, about five times in the week.
Ricky Starts To Laugh
Karl: In the full week - five times.
Steve: Deary me.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: And one- it was just stuff that--
Ricky: You could never be a monk, could ya? Chattin' away all the time.
Karl: Well..
Karl Sighs
Ricky: Right, what have you got?
Steve: I blame Ball as well, to be honest.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: I feel Ball is slightly responsible for it.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Steve: She can't find her own, you know, gibbon to get on the show.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Steve: She can't find her own, kind of, you know, loser, then... don't start stealing ours.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: It's outrageous.
Karl: Well, comin' up, right--
Ricky: Yeah, maybe we'll get Fatboy Slim in.
Steve: Indeed!
Ricky: Next... Saturday. If you're listenin', umm, Slim--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Come in on the show.
Steve: What's his name? Ernie or something?
Ricky: (Laughing) What's his name?
Karl: Norman.
Steve: Norman.
Ricky: Oh yeah.
Karl: Right.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: "Ernie"!
Steve: Yeah. I don't know.
Ricky: (Still Laughing) Ah that's great "Ernie Ball".
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And he--
Steve: He probably wouldn't change his name. Ernie Cook
Ricky: Ernie Cook, that's it yeah. (Laughing) That's great!
Karl: Anyway...
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: Coming up today, uhh, we have got "Educating Ricky"...
Ricky: Okay.
Steve: Rrright. Is this the last one? You've promised it might be.
Karl: Uhhm, I believe there's a book out... that might help me with this feature--
Steve: Okay.
Karl: So we'll see how it goes, we might- I was thinkin' of new features in the week. I've got, uhh--
Ricky Coughs
Karl: What did I come up with? I wanted to do "Celebrity Fact Club".
Steve: (Laughing) "Celebrity Fact Club". All right.
Karl: I've just got to get some celebrities in first.
Steve: Okay.
Karl: Before we can kick that off so maybe in the new year.
Ricky: Ball and Cook.
Steve: Maybe Zoe Ball, yeah.
Ricky: Ball and Cook. Start off.
Karl: Maybe. Right, and I've also got, uhh--
Ricky: "Cook and Ball Stories".
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: That's nice.
Karl: Good one.
Ricky: (Laughing) Cheers.
Karl: Uhhm...
Ricky: Thanks Karl!
Steve: Yeah. Maybe you could sell that to Zoe's show!
Ricky Explodes With Laughter
Ricky Pounds The Desk
Karl: And, umm, I'm also thinkin', "Through The RicKey Hole".
Steve: "Through The RicKey Hole", okay.
Ricky: Yeah. What's that?
Karl: That's uhh... I haven't quite--
Ricky: No, you've just got the title again, haven't ya?! Yeah. Okay, play a record.
Karl: So, uhh, "Rockbusters" coming up as well. All right?
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Song: Wu-Tang Clan - The Gravel Pit
Win The Best of the Weather
Ricky: Wu-Tang Clan, "Gravel Pit" on XFM 104.9--
Steve: We're playing some great music today, Rick--
Ricky: Yeah but--
Steve: I wonder if we should maybe... uh, you know, it's getting towards Christmas--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Think about others. Should we dedicate this show to all the people in the world who maybe are less priviledged and less, uhh, fortunate than us.
Ricky: No.
Steve: No? Okay.
Ricky: Um, d- do the prizes for the, uhh--
Steve: Prizes? Okay. (Walking Away From Microphone) So screw those who are less fortunate is what TV's Ricky Gervais thinks.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: Uhmm, Rick, I know you're a big fan, uhh, of the likes of Brian Adams, (Laughs) Robert Palmer, uh, Alien Ant Farm and, uh, obviously, ehmm, ZZ Top.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And so you'll be enjoying "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World".
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Volume 2.
Ricky: Yeah, sure.
Steve: Fantastic.
Ricky: Volume 1 (Coughs) wasn't enough. There wasn't enough.
Steve: No. Okay--
Ricky Coughs
Steve: Again, we seem to be able to give one of these away every week. Are you just not sending these out? I mean, these are the same prizes we started this game with, I think, a couple of weeks back. Are you just not sending the prizes out?
Karl: Yeah, but I want to give, like, more people a chance cuz if- if one week they listen in and think, "God, I wouldn't mind winnin' that--"
Steve: Sure.
Karl: If you- if you've got more copies of it, they'll go, "Well, I'll listen next week."
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Yeah?
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: So again this is, uh, one of those, uhm, "The Best Songs You've Heard On An Advert Ever" albums.
Ricky: Mainly- mainly mobile phones?
Steve: Mainly mobile phone adverts, yeah. Although there is the, uh, Smashmouth one which is used in the Ford Fiesta TV advert.
Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "Walking On The Sun" or something?
Steve: I forget what it is.
Ricky: Oh.
Steve: Uhm, the Smashing Pumpkins album that we've given away in the past again.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Obviously got a bulk order of those that can't shift them. Uhhmm, "Wild Weather", I don't know who's interested in this. This is, uh--
Ricky: Is that a double box set VHS of different weather?!
Steve: (Laughing) It appears to be, yeah.
Ricky: Ah, that's amazing!
Steve: There's two cassette tapes there, it's presented by Donal MacIntyre.
Ricky: THAT is amazing! How long is- that's a--
Steve: "It's a thrilling trip with the most exciting forces of our wild and turbulent world. Clouds, rainstorms--"
Ricky: So- so I'm right in saying it's- it's a double VHS video set of different weather?
Karl: There's stuff like tornadoes an' that!
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Yep, no, it's got- I mean it includes the fastest winds--
Ricky: Ohhh, you're joking!
Steve: The hottest desert, ehm and the biggest rain machine on the planet. That's on there, I think you have to--
Ricky: Ohhh, God. I- I wonder if they're- I hope they're bringing out another box set... "Soil"
Steve: Yeah, absolutely.
Ricky: Just go through different... "Mud".
Steve Laughs
Steve: And, uhh, and this maybe of interest - I read good reviews of the, uhh- the DVD of this - it's, uhh, a two-disc set: "The Wicker Man"--
Ricky: Oh, right, great film, yeah.
Steve: The classic seventies film. It's got a bunch of extras on there.
Ricky: That is actually quite a good film.
Steve: So, that- that's actually worth having. I'd probably throw the rest away or pawn that over on someone at Christmas.
Ricky: But "The Wicker Man" get that on DVD and it's, yeah, quite- it's very interesting.
Steve: Yeah. But, you'll enjoy that. So, uhh--
Ricky: So "Rockbusters" is it?
Karl: Yeah, all- all that's for "Rockbusters".
Ricky: Brilliant. Well, let's- let-l- I say get the ball rolling now.
Karl: What, of "Rockbusters"?
Ricky: Yeah get the ball rollin'.
Steve: I don't know, I mean, tease them, Rick, don't, you know- don't s- don't, sort of, spunk all the good stuff early on, I mean--
Ricky: Well...
Steve: That's dynamite.
Ricky: You- you can say, "Spunk". I can't.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Well- well we've got, ummm- actually it's quite good, movin' it about because we might have some new listeners here.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I wouldn't of thought so.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Not after last week!
Karl: Ehhm, right, okay, so if you haven't heard it before I give you some initials- it work- you know it's like initials of an artist or a band--
Ricky: It's "Blockbusters"!
Karl: And- and a cryptic clue to who the band is. It's two easy ones, one difficult one.
Ricky and Steve Chuckle
Karl: First one is: uhmm, "That'll never get off the ground."
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Yeah?
Steve: "That'll never get off the ground". The initials?
Karl: "That'll never get off the ground", is the clue. And--
Ricky: Not L.Z.
Karl: The initials are L.Z.
Ricky: You are joking.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Two easy ones!
Ricky: Right. Yeah.
Karl: Yeah? Right and then you've got, uhhm, "That woman's got her husband's gloves and a pair of her own".
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: All right?
Steve: Say it again.
Karl: "That woman has got a pair of her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own". That's H.H. All right? That's a bit of a difficult one. And then the, uhh- the last one: "You'll get a lo", uhhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!" Right?
Steve: You'll get what?
Karl: "... a right load of bacon off them".
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: Ehmm, that's L.
Steve: L.
Ricky Snorts
Karl: So, uhh, once again--
Steve: "You'll get a right load of bacon off of them".
Karl: "You'll get- you'll get a right load of bacon off them".
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: So, first one: "That'll never get off the ground" - L.Z., uhh, "That woman has got her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own", that's H.H.
Steve: Brilliant.
Karl: And, uhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!", that's L. So...
Steve: And it's an email only competition.
Karl: Email only, uhh, [email protected] and we pick a winner before the end... So...
Steve: And you can win those great prizes--
Ricky: And you can win... "The Wicker Man"--
Steve: "The Weather"--
Ricky: "The Best of the Weather- Weather"--
Steve: (Laughing) "The Best of the Weather"!
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Now that would be amazing.
Steve: "The Best of the Weather".
Ricky: As a compilation, Channel 4.
Steve: Yeah. Exactly. "Winds: Light to Variable".
Ricky: (Laughing) "I Love 1976 Weather".
Steve: Remember this one from August, 1979?
Ricky: Warm innit?
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Oh, this is warm, innit?!
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Oh, Karl!
Steve: "The Best of the Weather".
Ricky: I'll tell you what: you remember how we always play, like, great music usually?
Steve: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Ricky: I mean--
Steve: Ah, you're not- you're not gonna- have you--
Ricky: I'm gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is David Bowie - "Driving Saturday".
Steve: Awwww, he's done it again.
Ricky Giggles
Song: David Bowie - Driving Saturday
Do We Need These?
Steve: (Eating) Pwha- I'm in the- I'm having the same problem.
Ricky: I know. Been eating a biscuit.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Uh, David Bowie, "Driving Saturday".
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: That's a great track isn't it?
Steve: Mmm!
Ricky: A crash course for the ravers, eh? That's what this show is, innit Karl? Crash course for the ravers. The tune in and they go, "That's- that's so cool. I wish I was like Karl Pilkington."
Pause
Karl: You reckon?
Ricky: Yeah. Definitely. You forgot to read your mum's clues out, didn't ya?
Karl: Yeah she's uhh--
Ricky: This is just for fun only. This is Karl's mum's. She, uhh, she listened one week and now she sends him a little example of what-- "Rockbusters" every week.
Karl: She's got, umm... what did she send? Umm--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: "This group would go well with your Christmas dinner".
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Ricky: Cranberries?
Karl: Yeh. Ehmm, "They make a few good cupboards".
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: "They make a few good cupboards"?
Karl: Yep.
Ricky: Ehh--
Steve: The Carpenters.
Ricky: The Carpenters. I was thinking of EMF.
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Uhh, what else?
Steve: I was thinking, "B&Q? The B&Qs?"
Karl: Uhh, "This group thinks of lots of things".
Ricky Chuckles
Steve: "This group thinks of lots of things".
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: Uhh, go on.
Karl: Imagination.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: Uhh...
Ricky and Steve Continue Laughing
Karl: I think they're the best ones.
Ricky: Yeah, no-n-n--
Steve: Well, if they're the best ones, let's hear the others.
Ricky: N-N-N- Karl, obviously we want the worst ones then!
Karl: Uhh, here's one more: uhh, "She'd really like Blackpool".
Steve: "She'd really like Blackpool"... "She'd really like Blackpool".
Karl: Fairground Attraction... Not bad.
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: Not bad.
Ricky: Right, so uhh, there's uh, a--
Steve: Does she write anything else in the letter? Or does she just send them on, like, a- scawled on the back of--
Ricky Laughs
Steve: You know, I don't know, a till receipt.
Karl: She did with the first one, now it's just- just the "Rockbusters". So...
Steve: Right.
Ricky: (Giggling) Really?
Steve: She doesn't bother asking how you are or...
Karl: And I speak to her in the week on the phone so...
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Yep.
Karl: It doesn't- doesn't matter.
Steve: What kind of conversations would you have then with your mum? What kind of stuff--
Ricky: What do you say? Do you moan about how overworked you are and stuff to her?
Karl: Uh,,,,, I just- I mean, they're always surprised when I'm getting in late and that. It's like, you know, "What have you done today?", "Oh, I'm just getting home from work", and it's half past eight at night.
Ricky: A lot of people get home at half eight, Karl. Next.
Karl: It's, you know, uhh... just sayin', "How's the flat goin'?"
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Askin' me dad some DIY tips the other day.
Ricky: Mmm.
Karl: Uhhm, you know, usual sort of stuff--
Steve: Mm.
Karl: You talk about with your mum and dad, really.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Uhhh, talkin' about the bisons with 'em.
Steve: With what?
Karl: I was wachin', uhh- did you watch "The Mammals" in the week?
Ricky: No, I'm a s--
Karl: David Attenborough.
Steve: No.
Karl: I was thinkin', actually, right, with all this MTV stuff--
Ricky Laughs Quietly
Karl: If there's one reason why I'd like to do it--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Is... I was watchin' Attenborough, the- the mammals program - I reckon I could do something like that.
Steve: Right.
Ricky Laughs Quietly
Steve: Right.
Karl: And just have- have, like, me and instead of Attenborough y-you know, a young, sort of, fresh person.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Uhh, watching, like uhhm, certain animals and saying, "Do we need these?"
Ricky Explodes With Laughter
Steve: Right.
Karl: D'ya know what I mean?
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: (Laughing) OH God! What'd you call it, "Death on Earth"?
Karl: Well just--
Ricky: That- that's amazing! "Do we need these?"
Karl: No, no, cuz there's loads of stuff--
Steve: And the audience at home- vote- would there be some kind of telephone vote?
Karl: Yeah, yeah, like a vote-out system.
Ricky: (Calming Down) Awwww, that--
Karl: The thing is--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: It's like, Att- something interesting that Attenborough was saying the other night on uhh--
Ricky: (Starts Laughing Again) "Do we need these?"
Karl: On Jonathan Ross' show, on his telly show, right, was sayin', uhh, he said, "You could... take all the humans off the earth and it would carry on but take, like, some animals off it and mammals and that... you got problems on your hands".
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: I thought that's quite interestin'.
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: So it's like, the question is, "Do we need these?...Is that part of the big thing". Like jellyfish--
Ricky: Yeh!
Karl: We've talked about jellyfish.
Ricky: Yeh!
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: So which mammals in particular were you watching evolve?
Ricky: You talked about it on Zoe Ball's show, didn't ya?
Karl: Eh?
Steve: Which mammals, uhh, were you thinking we don't need when you watched the show the other night?
Karl: Uhmm...
Steve: Any in particular that you thought, (Whispers) "We don't need them, they're not of interest."
Karl: Well I like- I like whales but I don't know what they do.
Ricky Chuckles Quietly
Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay.
Karl: And they're- they're taking up quite a lot of room.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: But stuff like--
Ricky: (Laughing) "They're taking up quite a lot of room"!
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: But, like, uhhmm... jellyfish I looked into because...
Steve: Yeah, what are they- yeah.
Karl: You know, I was talkin' about 'em. And, uhh, they were sayin' they've got no eyes, no heart--
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Uhh, they're something like 97% water.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky Continues To Giggle
Karl: Ehhm, they're blind and they do about 33 miles a day.
Steve: Right.
Karl: So it's like, do we need them? Could we clear them out?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: (Still Giggling) What, a big net?
Karl: What- that- that would be the program: what- what- "Right, we'll get rid of them, uhh, next week we'll be looking at...", uhh--
Steve: Rhinos.
Ricky: (Laughing) I think it's genius. Honestly, I think it's genius. And like, goin' along, sort of like, pickin' up sea anemones and goin'- and just lobbin' 'em into the sea.
Karl: Well, what do you think about MTV doin' that and then I just, in between the bits--
Steve: Play music videos?
Karl: I play music--
Steve: That relates to--
Karl: That relates to fish. So I could play, like, Phish--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: That rock guy or The Animals.
Steve: Rock- "Rock Lobster".
Karl: Yeah. Or, uhh, what else could I--
Steve: This could run and run.
Karl: What other songs have got animals in them?
Ricky: Well--
Karl: The Monkees. I could play The Monkees.
Ricky: Yeah, there's about a million so let's not start this.
Karl: No but, d'ya know what I mean? So--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: So- but- so, "Do We Need This".
Steve: So MTV flies you around the world--
Ricky: And he--
Steve: To the most incredible exotic locations, you sort of climb up a tree or whatever next to - I don't know what lives up a tree - some kind of rare parrot--
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Sloth... a sloth.
Steve: You look at that, you say, "Oh, it's colorful, it's interesting--"
Ricky: Oh, you like sloths though, don't ya?
Karl: No, they just live up trees but I'd say, "Do we need them?"
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Why?
Karl: Well, what do they do?
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) What do you mean, "What do they do?". What do you want from an animal? Carpentry? What do you want?
Karl: Well, I don't- I don't like scorpions, right--
Ricky: Right.
Karl: But then, I found out they look after those, uhh, those monkey things.
Ricky: They're not monkeys, they're lizards!
Karl: Whatever. Well, all right, yeah, then lizards. They look after lizards.
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: (Laughing) "They look after..."
Karl: So there's a reason.
Ricky: But- but, "Do you need the lizard?", would be your next question.
Karl: Yeah, because the local people made shoes out of 'em.
Ricky: But not when the scorpion protect them, they didn't.
Karl: All right, we don't need 'em then.
Steve: (Laughing) Okay.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: So- and so ultimately you- would anyone decide, I mean, do the animals, kind of, get a chance to mount a case for their survival? I mean is there maybe someone that comes in that come into their corner and defends them?
Karl: Yeah- yeah- n- I'd have- I'd have like a David Attenborough-type character--
Steve: Right.
Karl: Who says, "Well it does this..." and I'll go, "Yeah, but do we need that doin'?"
Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: Okay so what- what does an animal need to do in order for you to feel that it sort of gets a chance of- of life. I mean, like a pet, like an animal like a dog, maybe or a cat, I mean they give a certain affection to its owner, is that a valid, uhh, reason to survive?
Pause
Steve: Not particularly for you?
Karl: Uhh, not really.
Steve: No. Okay.
Karl: I mean, sayin' that though, blind people use dogs, so they are useful.
Steve: So dogs are useful. St. Bernards, they can save people - don't they - in snowy weather.
Karl: Farmers use dogs. Yeah. Cats... I'd have to think about it.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Keep the mice down.
Karl: Yeah, but you got Rentokill.
Steve: Okay.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: What I'm saying is- what I'm saying is, something that will affect the world.
Ricky: Right, I think you'll find everything does. I think you'll find everything does.
Steve: Mmm, except Karl.
Ricky Laughs Loudly
Steve: I'm not sure what effect he's having on the world.
Karl: I'll tell you what, though Steve, right, did you watch "The Mammals"?
Steve: I didn't see "The Mammals".
Karl: They had, uhh- they had bison on it.
Steve: Right.
Karl: The weirdest looking things you've ever seen.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: They've really--
Ricky: Again, you're on dangerous ground, here, Karl.
Karl: No, no, no, no, they've really got a- it's like... decide what you want to look like.
Steve: (Laughing) Okay.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: It's just a mismatch of stuff. It's got a really big hairy head--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Ehm, --
Ricky: (Laughing) Unlike you!
Karl: Sort of, bald at the back--
Steve: Right.
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Uhh, sort of--
Steve: It sounds like someone you went to school with.
Karl: All right.
Ricky Laughs Loudly
Ricky: Was there two of 'em?
Coldplay - In My Place Begins To Play
Ricky: (Laughing) AAAAH brilliant!
Ricky Continues Laughing
Song: Coldplay - In My Place
Annoyed That They're Not True
Song: The Streets - It's Too Late
Steve: From the album "Original Pirate Material", that's obviously The Streets and, uh, an album track from that, "It's Too Late". Fantastic isn't it?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I know everyone's raving about it being, you know, one of the albums of the year, but it is, I think.
Ricky: It's great. That's brilliant. I l- love- love the backing as well.
Steve: Mm hmm.
Ricky: It's just so good- the- the lyrics are- things he come- w- i- t- ah, they're my favorite band of the year. Uhm, next week then, we'll do all our favorite songs of the year, shall we?
Steve: Mm, no I think it's got to be two week's time, isn't it?
Ricky: Oh, two weeks is it?
Steve: Yeah two for Christmas--
Karl: Yeah, I'm away next week as well.
Ricky: What do you mean you're away next week? What are you doing, Zoe Ball's show?
Karl: I'm going- going up north again.
Ricky: Why?
Karl: So Claire's going to be here with you.
Ricky: Okay.
Ricky: Yeah, at least she--
Steve: What are you doing up north?
Ricky: She does her job.
Karl: Just, uhh, Suzanne's dad's birthday.
Steve: All right.
Karl: So...
Steve: I bet he's a party animal. I've heard they really kick off. Don't they? Is it, yeah? Mental?
Karl Mumbles
Steve: You gonna be ravin'?
Karl: Can't concentrate now.
Ricky: Ooh, he's all stressed cuz the lady from MTV's here. She's gonna film his little face.
Steve: So what--
Ricky: The thing- the things he said in the week, he was so worried. He was going- worried about the spot on his head- that won't come out- just so- she's got your best side.
Karl: Just so she stays on that side. That's all right.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. The camera's out. Look, he's getting nervous now. Okay Karl, ignore the camera, okay. Just ignore the camera, okay. Now, me and Steve have done our research for ya and we've got two amazing things to tell you. What should I tell him first - about the baby or the...crabs?
Steve: Well they're both equally fascinating, so you- you choose.
Ricky: Uhm, I'll tell you the crab thing first, right. Uhm, we- Steve actually saw this thing in The Guardian, in the week, uh, about a research thing and then we looked up- we looked into it on Friday and it is incredible. Right, listen to this. There's, uhh, a thing in umm- umm in a bay in, umm, uhh, New England, right, where it's like the biggest, um, uh- they make silicon chips and stuff for computers, right. And cuz of the data protection thing, after they've d- done them, because they have to destroy the plates, right, where the information's, sort of, put onto them. But they're still flakes of silcon, they sort of grind it down straight away and some of the flakes got into the bay, okay. But, some of the information's still on the- even the s- slight granules of silicon. Anyway, gets in the water and silicon is rather like, um, a carbon derivative. They reckon if there'd been life on another planet that wasn't carbon-based, it'd be silcon-based. Cuz... simple sugars and protoz- it's just COH and that and it can work with silcon, right. Anyway, the crabs have been taking up- this gets underwater, and they- they looked out on the beach and, uhh- over the years the crabs had started, umm, sort of, putting themselves in formations like geometric forma- and they couldn't work it out why they were doing this. And uhh, when they put them in the experiment they, sort of, like, chopped 'em up and they found they'd taken on silicon... and it had, sort of, got into their brain and they were downloading information - they actually- they picked up little things because it's just chemical, umm, you know like, w- electrical impulses it'd... got information off the silcon chip and they were interfacin' it but - this is the amazing thing - one bloke, sort of, thought of this and he thought, "Well, if- if this is a simple computer, the brain, if it's just a simple, sort of, electrical ... thing, then maybe there's- there's...", you know, "we could get it down". So what- what they did is they made a thing called, "a bio-interface" and they- they put it into the crab's brain, just a really simple brain, into its medula oblongada, right. And it got impulses from it and they were getting... like computer readou- just flashes of like symbols and geometric things, right, on this screen to read the crab's brain and it was stuff like, you know, fragments of a, uhm--
Karl: Wha- what made them do this in the first place?
Ricky: Because they saw- they saw the crabs behaving differently. They were behaving differently to each other. They were just like- they- you know, intelligent and they were, sort of, solving problems and all this sort of stuff. Anyway, when they downloaded the- the thing, it was like a- there was, uhm, uhh, they found- s- they f- they found one of the secretaries' names... where it had been on the silcon chip where it was just, like, a flash of a computer screen. But the most amazing thing is - they downloaded a memory, right. It was like a- like a snapshot where it'd been burnt onto the retina of the crab - just a snapshot or sommat - and it was like a picture of the beach, like, a couple of years ago, right. And they also j- i- i- incredible it was like, just a digital black and white, sort of thing, so they could see what the crab had seen.
Pause
Steve: Amazing.
Karl: Geeez.
Steve: Amazing. Intelligent crabs.
Karl: So, wha- what are they doing with them now, then?
Steve: Almost like SuperBrain.
Ricky: Well they think- this is the- this is the upshot - they think they could use it as spy crabs cuz they could put these- get these crabs- al- also, the other thing is as generations went on, right- so they put a crab in the- the sea or something, right, uh, lots of crabs in and then as generations went on, a- a new born crab- they downloaded the memory and it had the memories of its great-great-great-great-great- all together. It had every memory that any crab that had been related to it beforehand. Because it passed it on- it just passed it on.
Karl: So not even ones that had been eating the silicon stuff.
Ricky: Yeah- no th- they--
Karl: These are just ones that have had kids.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And they've got--
Ricky: And they know every- so you'd know everything your great-gre- everything right the way back.
Pause
Karl: So would that work if- if we ate silicon?
Ricky: Well, I suppose so.
Steve: Possibly.
Karl: So, what are they gonna--
Steve: Well they can use them for all sorts of things though. I mean, that- that's what's incredible, I mean, I don't know- I don't know how you'd train it particularly, I'm not sure how you would train but I'm assuming that they can- if they can- if they can do it that way, then presumably they can--
Ricky: It'd be like a load--
Steve: Make certain silicon information--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Which they can then plant in it, if you like, within it- within its, sort of, food, as it were.
Ricky: Also if you get them onto enemy beaches--
Steve: And you can get it- yeah.
Ricky: You'd have like a thousand digital cameras, just--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Well, but they- they--
Steve: Just sneaking around. You know, if you can get, you know--
Karl: They don't--
Steve: Osama Bin Laden or someone just crawling around on the sand.
Karl: They don't- they don't understand the information they've got though.
Ricky: No, they don't know they're doing it.
Steve: They don't understand it.
Ricky: They just have downloaded memories.
Karl: So they're- they're--
Ricky: But the--
Steve: So they're not- it's not like- you could torture them and they wouldn't be able to, sort of, give you the information because they wouldn't know what the information they had because they're just like a computer.
Ricky: But the crab- the cra- the crab- the first crab they downloaded, they just kept seeing the same picture of a big crab feedin' which they--
Steve: (Laughing) Really?!
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Wow.
Steve: That's what? Like its mother crab or something?
Ricky: Yeah. It was memories of it as a child.
Steve: But they're not in color, presumably because they--
Ricky: No, they would have been black and white. It c- c- it's just a digital camera cuz it's just a- they don't see in black and white so it's just like a- it's just like a... I don't know, a I thi- I think it's burnt onto the retina or sommat and, um, the only one that they've kept were the ones they saw a lot of the time.
Steve: Wow.
Karl: I mean in a way, ehh, some of the "Educating Ricky" I've got for you today is- is on the similar lines.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Are- you've gotta be impressed by that. You've got to be impressed by that.
Karl: No-no, I mean, that's pretty good, I mean I- I'm interested to see, you know, what- what they do with it.
Steve: What they do- what they do with- what the crab developments are.
Karl: But, yeah, yeah, no that's- that's- that's pretty good.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: But... I mean, amazing.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Amazing... That is--
Steve: Well just digest that information because that- that's not even the most impressive one we found.
Ricky: I think it is.
Steve: I suppose it's pretty impressive but the next one's more- maybe more shocking.
Ricky: Okay, right. Let's--
Steve: Let's play a tune and then Ricky's got another extraordinary clip.
Karl: Awwww.
Song: The Cure - Lovesong
Steve: The Cure, "Lovesong", classic... on XFM.
Ricky: So that's the- that's the crabs that can- you can download their memories. Uhm--
Karl: But- but what about other animals that are in the sea? In that same sea, in the stuff, have they tested them yet?
Ricky: I don't know. I think it- they just took it on because their, uhm, biology, uh- something to do with- I presume they can take up minerals and, you know- I don't know, why. I don't know. But anyway, uhm, next one, uhh, this is, uhh, on the horizons, umm, uhh, a bodybuilder, yeah? Umm, uhh, married--
Steve: This is freaky.
Ricky: Had another bodybuilder- married another bodybuilder--
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Right, and they were pregnant. And, umm, they had these tests and the baby was very large but it was causing it pain, all right? In the- thing- in the- right? And it- after a- this is--
Steve: This is strange. It's almost bizarre in, like..
Ricky: This is- yeah. After the wo- the- the f- female woke up, pregnant, after seven months and the baby ha--
Karl: Was walkin' around.
Ricky: No... Had forced its way out of the vagina.
Karl: Awww, no way.
Ricky: Yeah. Had forced its way out.
Steve: It- it almost had, like, super strength, like--
Ricky: And it was pulling her along by the umbilical cord and they had to- and it was- but it was a stone.
Steve: (Almost Laughing) Extraordinary. That- now that's freaky.
Ricky: Because- because it had--
Steve: I mean, talk about freaky stuff.
Karl: That's made up.
Steve: T- what?
Karl: It wasn't pulling her along.
Steve: It was!
Ricky: Yeah, well no, it- it- she- she could feel it.
Steve: Yeah, exactly. And it was- do you know what I mean? Like, just went (Makes A Tearing Sound) and just sort of squeezed it's way--
Ricky: Just got out. Cuz it was ready. Cuz of all the hormones.
Steve: Just climbed out cuz it thought it was ready.
Pause
Karl: Aww, God.
Steve: Imagine that! Just waking up and finding that in the bottom of the bed. Freak you out because you'd think it was a nightmare, initially.
Ricky: And it had hair and everything, didn't it? I thought--
Steve: Yeah, because of all the hormones it had, like, a beard.
Karl: There was- there was something in the week about, ehm, you know, you got test tube babies and that, now, haven't ya?
Ricky: Mmm.
Karl: But they've managed to do it- I only caught half the story--
Ricky: I knew he'd be more impressed by the crabs than that! He doesn't care if it's human.
Karl: No, no, no, I am! I'm telling you--
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: Uhh, there was something - I only caught half the story because I was busy - but, uhh, there was somethin' about babies... being able to be born without having any people involved.
Ricky Laughs Slighty
Karl: Or something. It's like putting them in an oven or something and it's like a cake.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: And after a certain amount of time it's ready.
Ricky: (Laughing) I love the fact that--
Steve: I think you can buy those, in Argos, for kids at Christmas.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Well...
Ricky: It's "My First Baby Kit".
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: That's playdough I think, that they combine.
Ricky: Yeah. So what'd you think of that then?
Karl: The baby one?
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: I l- I prefer the crab one.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: But the ba- I mean, the baby thing's pretty- pretty horrible.
Ricky and Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So it was bigger than the- than, like, the average?
Ricky: But umm, yeah. Umm, both made up. We made those up.
Steve: Yeah, both rubbish.
Ricky: They're both bull shit.
Steve: I mean, they are both rubbish. Despite the fact that they're both rubbish--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: They're interesting.
Ricky: We made those up - both those stupid stories up.
Pause
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Imagine downloading a crab's memories and seeing it's mum feeding it as a child!
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Both facts are rubbish.
Ricky: (Laughing) I had trouble. I had trouble.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I knew I was going to have trouble with, um, "pushed its way out of the vagina".
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.
Ricky: I practiced that about 30 times yesterday with Steve. I was going, "I'm not gonna be able to do it, mate".
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "I am not going to be able to say that!"
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: Are you disappointed?
Karl: A little bit- I mean, the baby one's a bit, sort of, out there.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Karl: I wasn't really having- having that one.
Ricky: No.
Karl: But the- but the crab one I...
Steve: See, now what's interesting, I think it's- it's a useful experiment, I think, Karl. I don't know what it's taught you about yourself...
Ricky Giggles
Steve: But would you say that that's revealed to you a certain thing, I don't know, maybe... that you're a bit gullible!
Pause
Steve: I mean, what I'm saying is maybe you shouldn't accept or swallow 'hook line and sinker' everything you read on the web.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: You don't think maybe a valuable lesson there?
Ricky: I feel bad because I feel- I said to Steve, "He won't be annoyed that we conned him. He'll be annoyed that they're actually not true". You'd love that crab thing to be true, wouldn't ya?
Karl: It wouldn't surprise me if it did happen one day.
Steve: Sure.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So...
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: And then who's laughing?
Ricky: And he said in the break, when I said about the crabs, he went, "Well I'm keepin' them then."
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Right. Well, I know what you're gettin' at--
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: With the, uhh- with the "Educating Ricky" but it- you know.
Ricky: Let's see. Let's see.
Karl: You've got, uhh, three titles--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Uhh, that I tease you with. Different stories. You take your pick and I teach you something--
Ricky: Yep.
Karl: That did happen.
Ricky Howls With Laughter
Ricky: There's a little bit of venom!
Karl: Uhh--
Ricky: Yeah, go on.
Karl: First one is, uhhm, "Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher".
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: I bet that's bacon-related, knowing you.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: You've got, uhh- you've got "Enough is anus".
Steve: Say that again.
Karl: "Enough is enou- n- anus".
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: "Enough is enough"--
Karl: Well--
Steve: But it's changed to "Enough is an anus".
Karl: Yeh. And you've got, uhh--
Ricky and Steve Laugh Some More
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: You've also got, "Will it- will it be a bloke or- or-", no... "Wool it like a bloke or a woman?"
Ricky: (Laughing) What?
Karl: "Wool it like a bloke or a woman?"
Ricky: "Wool it..."?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: "Wool it like a bloke or a woman"?
Steve: Wow.
Karl: Yeah. So they're your- they're your three stories--
Ricky: Okay.
Steve: That sounds like exciting stuff.
Ricky: Okay, well I'll have "Wool it- wool it like--"
Steve: Oh no, we're gonna play a record now, Rick, surely.
Ricky: Yeah, okay.
Steve: And come back with "Educating Ricky".
Ricky: Sorry about the crabs and the big baby.
Karl: All right.
Oasis - The Hindu Times Starts To Play
Steve: It's a valuable lesson learned.
Ricky: I'll think of a title for 'em.
Song: Oasis - The Hindu Times
There's a Bloke Who Reads Arses
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Oasis... um, "The Hindu Times". Karl just did his little screen test down the lens and uhh, (Breaks Up) he went- they said, "Just look at the camera", he went, "Right, do you want to know aobut MTV?", she went, "Well it might be VH1", he went, "Right.", he did "Rockbusters", "and then after the break, some Genesis".
Ricky and Steve: Ahhh.
Steve: I'd watch it!
Ricky: Awww.
Karl: You didn't tell me she wanted all this, I thought you said - cuz I said, "You just bring your own camera in"--
Ricky: Mmm.
Karl: "And we'll put it down on some tape and pass that on to her."
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: So now this- I'm doing two jobs at once again. This is what I'm saying to you in the week, I'm juggling jobs all the time.
Ricky Giggles
Karl: I'm, ahh... I tell ya.
Ricky: Right, come on then.
Karl: How much do I get?
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: (Laughing) He looked straight in the camera and said that!
Karl: Right.
Indecipherable Female Voice
Karl: So, umm three stories: "Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher"--
Steve: Looking forward to that.
Karl: "Enough is anus" and umm--
Ricky: I'm- I'm gonna have that one, then.
Karl: That one?
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: Right. Well, uhm--
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: Do you- do you believe in palm reading and stuff?
Ricky: No.
Steve: Yes!
Ricky: Sorry - yes.
Steve: Yup.
Ricky: Sorry, I forgot. Yes, of course we do.
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: Right, well there's a fella who, umm- he used to do palm reading--
Steve: Oh yeah.
Karl: But a lot of people- he found out when he went up to them in the street and said, "Do you want your palm reading?", he was like- a lot of 'em were like, you know, "Oooh, I've" - you know - "I'm a bit ashamed of me nails" and stuff--
Steve: Mmm!
Karl: Because they're a laborer or a cleaner--
Steve: Mm.
Karl: Or something like that.
Ricky: I know a lot of laborers are slightly embarrassed by their nails.
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.
Karl: No, but--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So he found out--
Ricky: "Look at my bloody hands Reg".
Steve Giggles
Karl: Well...
Ricky: "That's that hod carrying!"
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: Did I ever tell you about... Did I ever tell you that I got picked at school to--
Ricky Stifles Laughter
Karl: To make tea and serve biscuits to old people cuz I've got good nails?
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: No, go on.
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: Is there anymore to the story?
Karl: Well, that's about it. I mean, we used to do, like- I think the head teacher must of been getting something - maybe getting his mom in there for free or something... into old people's home.
Ricky Ricky Slams The Desk With Laughter
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: So, uhm--
Ricky and Steve Continue Laughing
Karl: So, he offered the kids at the school, ehh- he said, "Right, all- all sit at your desk and put your hands on the table". And everyone did. And he walked past mine, he said, "Not bad. Not bad."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And he said, uhh, "You've got the afternoon off. You can, uhh, go and serve biscuits and tea to the old- old people."
Ricky: What did you say?
Karl: I said, "All right, then".
Ricky Coughs
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I said, "Good afternoon". But anyway, so--
Steve: Did you?
Ricky: What'd you do?
Karl: Well, you just sort of walked around and went, "You all right? Do you want Bourbons or digestives?"
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: I bet you get on with old people, wouldn't ya?
Karl: Yeah, it was all right.
Ricky: I'd love to see you--
Steve: Especially the senile ones.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah! Yeah. No, but I'd love to see you on VH1 - just in a link - and just go- you know, they've just played, uhh, umm, Robert Palmer, right, and it comes to you in a little park and you just sit next to an old lady and go, "All right?", and they go, "Yeah, not too bad", and you go, "What do you think of London? Crap innit?", and she goes, "Yeah, it's awful, innit?" and you just go- have a talk and you go, "Right, well she doesn't like it... INXS".
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: That's what I'd like to see.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: I still think my idea's better but... so what you goin' for then? Oh, you've picked one haven't ya?
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Uhh, yeah, so this fella--
Steve: So there- there's palmists going around the streets...
Karl: Yeah, he's going 'round and--
Steve: Randomly trying to give palm readings.
Karl: They're- they're losing- they're losing money hand over fist.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: All right. So, umm, they said, uhh, he- he's--
Ricky Sneezes
Karl: What he's done: he's reading people's, uhh, bottoms now.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: Sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoah, whoah- he just- he just- I didn't quite follow that. He was a palm reader, that wasn't making money, so now he's going up to people in the street and saying, "Can I see your arse?"
Karl: Basically, yeah.
Ricky: So from- from being a palmist to an arsonist?
Karl: Well--
Ricky: (Almost Laughing) Uh Uh.
Karl: They're just- that- that's what he does. It said, the same, sort of, lines and that, that you get on your hand, you get 'em on your- on your... bottom.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: And, uhh, he can read 'em.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Yeah, he's not a pervert or anything. Or making it up as he goes along.
Karl: No, that's- that's it, that was that.
Steve: So i- sorry, if a man came up to you on the street and said--
Ricky Laughs
Steve: "Can I have a look at your ass?"
Ricky: "Can I read your ass?"
Steve: You'd- you'd drop your trousers, would you?
Karl: No- no- no, if they went up to 'em and they said, "Aww, I'd rather you didn't because I've- I'm a laborer, I've got bad fingernails and--"
Ricky: No, that's what I've see- that's what a lot of laborers- they're showing their cleavage, you think, but actually they're having their ass read.
Steve: (Laughing) Absolutely.
Ricky: That's what a lot of- that's what it is.
Karl: And then, right--
Steve: So is that the end of the story?
Karl: Yeah. But, then because--
Ricky: That's it. "Educating Ricky" is "there's a bloke who reads asses".
Steve Laughs
Karl: No, but then--
Ricky: You're a mentalist.
Karl: But no, but th--
Ricky: What are you talkin' about?
Karl: But then- do you know how, like, now and again I come up with a little jokey line?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I thought I'd make an effort today for either VH1 or MTV.
Ricky and Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Little line there: umm, "Don't worry it won't last, it might just be a splash in the pan."
Pause
Steve: Okay.
Karl: Phil Collins next.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Yeah, let's play some Phil. Let's play some Phil.
Song: Radiohead - Let Down
1 in 10 Rams are Gay
Ricky: Aw. Awww. This is the best show- I mean, off-air, obviously. I'm sure the people at home aren't enjoying it as much as we are but Karl, uh, is continuing his, uh - what do they call this - his screen test.
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: Yeah. That was, uh, "Let Down" by Radiohead. Karl what are you thinking?
Karl: It's out of order, this.
Ricky: What are you thinkin'?
Karl: I just think it's not right, really. Is it? I'm trying to do a job--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Whilst trying to get another job.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Do you know what I mean?
Ricky: But a lot of your presenters are on MTV now.
Karl: Yeah but... I- I don't--
Ricky: They've- they've- all of them have got "Zane" in their name but... you know.
Karl: Yeeeah. It's n- it's not really right, is it? But--
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: Right, so, uhh, we want to on with--
Ricky: You better get that, haven't you? "Karl Zane Pilkington".
Karl: "Educating Ricky", will we carry on?
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: Right, you've got left: "Don't rub it too hard you'll get a rasher."
Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly
Karl: And uhh--
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: "Will it like fellas or will it like women?"
Ricky: Well, you said "wool" before.
Karl: Yeah. "Wool it..."
Ricky: Go on then, I'll have "Wool it..."
Karl: Right, now this is similar to the one you were talking about before, right. They found out--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: That, uhm...
Steve: (Laughing) "They".
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Karl: Scientists. Scientists have, uhh--
Ricky: Ah, yeah.
Karl: Have found out--
Ricky: Seventeenth century?
Karl: That, uhh - right now - one in ten rams are gay.
Pause
Steve: One in ten rams are gay.
Karl: Yup.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So that was like, "wool it". That's how I could get that in. Uhmm--
Ricky Laughs
Karl: They got a load of gay and straight rams.
Steve: Right.
Karl: Right? Uhmm, they worked out which were which first. They said, "Right, that's- that bunch there is- is a gay bunch".
Ricky: They looked better, they just had more pride in their appearance.
Karl: And- and, uhh- and the other ones, you know- the straight ones. And then they gave them to this scientist and said, "Right, go on, do what you got to do".
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: And they took their brains out of all of 'em.
Ricky: (Amused) Just to check.
Karl: And, uhh, they did tests on the brain and it worked out that they've got something smaller in the brain. The gay ones have got something in the brain that makes it smaller. And they said, "Right, well, that's probably how it's gonna work on- on males... on- on, like males and females in, like, humans."
Ricky: So you took from this that .... gays have smaller brains than straight people.
Karl: No, there's something in the brain.
Ricky: Right, go on.
Karl: So if- so if someone's saying, you know, "Ooh, I'm a gay", or they didn't- they're not sure or whatever, they will now be able to find out.
Steve: (Amused) So you can go to the doctor to find out if you're straight or gay?
Ricky: "C- c- is there any gay in my brain?" "Let's have a look! (Musical Interlude) Do. Do. Do. Do. You've got a little bit of gay in you, yes. A little bit of gay in ya. Yes, you've got the, uh- you've got a little bent cell there."
Karl: Well, what- what else... Well, that's- that's why they did it anyway.
Pause
Steve: I don't understand how they- how they could differentiate which were straight and which were gay to begin with, before they then gave it to the scientist. Wasn't that what the scientist figured out?
Ricky: It's- there's- there's- there's--
Steve: How did they tell? Did they find one mincing around the--
Ricky: There's one theory that it's genetically determined. There is one- there is- there is a theory that it's genetically determined but, I- I don't think it's as easy as, umm, pulling a sheep's brain apart and finding a little pink, sort of, like, blob in there and going, "Right, we've taken the gay out! Now he's going in to shag some ewes." I don't think it's that straight-forward. Although, the- eh- eh- homosexuality does occur in a similar, sort of, rate in animals, I think.
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So...
Ricky: You knew that, didn't ya?
Karl: So that- that's that one. I mean...
Steve: (Laughing) I just like the idea of a farmer figuring out which are straight and gay. "Well that ones wearing quite a camp-looking neckerchief--"
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: "So I'm thinking maybe he's gay."
Ricky: (Laughing)Yeah. Is that- yeah- yeah. I love the fact that they can locate the- (Makes Sheep sounds).
Steve: That one's- that one's a big fan of Sophie Ellis Bextor sooooo...
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were d- they put on ABBA--
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: And see which ones dance.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: That's how they... Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: But what a--
Steve: Or put on, like, Barbra Streisand and see which ones sing along.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Actually, that IS rubbish. What did I find out--
Ricky: What did he say?!
Steve: Did he make that one up?!
Ricky: Did you just say, "that is rubbish"?
Karl: No, I found out other- other stuff in the week that didn't make the top three...
Steve: Wow.
Ricky: Wow.
Karl: Uhh--
Ricky: We haven't even had the--
Steve: This must be mediocre stuff.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: This must be really bad.
Ricky: Yeah. Or it might be dubious. Go on.
Karl: There's, umm- there's a woman in Ireland--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Who has been with a fella for eleven years.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Ehm, she was always saying to him, you know, "When- when- when are we gonna get married?", and that. And it's like "Oh, we don't need to...", uhh, you know, "We're happy", and that, do you know like how I am with Suzanne, it's like there's no point, really.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Unless you have a kid, you don't need to, do ya?
Ricky: Right.
Karl: So, um, he was like, "We'll do it in time. In time.", and all that. Anyway, he comes home from work one day, says, "Oh, go on then, we'll get married", she was so shocked her hair fell out.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Ricky: Did you get that?
Steve: Wow.
Karl: So...
Steve: That's extraordinary.
Ricky: And what did he say? "Oh, I'm not marrying you, baldy".
Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Well--
Steve: She was so shocked her hair--
Ricky: She was so shocked her hair fell out.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: I love the idea of it just going (Makes a Falling Sound) to the ground.
Steve: Yeah, it just fell out, yeah.
Karl: Yeah, uhh, what else?
Ricky: Right, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. That's rubbish. That's rubbish. Next!
Karl: You've also got, umm...
Steve: It's weird, isn't it Rick, that--
Ricky Laughs
Steve: The stories that we made up are more plausible--
Ricky: (Giggling) Yeah.
Steve: Than the "facts" he's actually giving us.
Ricky: Yeah, I think we tried too hard.
Steve: Mm! Mm!
Ricky: I think we tried too--
Steve: That's what he's willing to believe. He's willing to believe that a woman's hair fell out when her husband came home and said, "Let's get married, then".
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Steve: "Oh, you old romantic!" (Makes a Falling Sound)
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Ah yeah, then. Here's a good one.
Ricky: Go on then.
Karl: In Dubai- this woman went to Dubai for her holiday...
Ricky: Mmm.
Karl: And, umm...
Ricky Giggles
Karl: She was over there and apparently, in the markets, they sell--
Ricky: Bit by a spider?
Karl: They sell lizards.
Ricky: Oh, go on.
Karl: Right, just, like, for people to buy.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: So she buys one, not knowing that you're not really meant to take them out of the country.
Ricky: Sure.
Karl: Ehmm, puts it in a bag...
Ricky: Yeah. As you do.
Karl: What have you. And, uhh, then she gets to the airport, when she's going on she's thinking, "I can't really leave it in me bag".
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So she puts in on her head--
Steve: On her head?!
Karl: Wears it as a hat
Steve: She wore the lizard as a hat?
Karl: Yeah. Ehm...
Ricky Coughs
Karl: People on the plane were just like, "Yeah, everything's fine", you know, they're doing the cross-checks and that--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: "Have you got your seatbelt on?" "Yeah".
Steve: "There's a woman there with a lizard hat".
Karl: Um, everything's going well. She gets off the plane at Manchester Airport, ehmm... lizard sticks its tongue out...
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: The air hostess says, "What are you doing with that?" She goes, "I've had it- I've had it--"
Ricky: Lizard said, "I just found her in Dubai".
Steve Chuckles
Karl: The, uhh- they said, "I've had this with me all- all journey", and they said, "Well, you shouldn't of done", and they took it off her.
Ricky: Yeah, I think that is true, actually.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So what about that?
Ricky: Yeah, good, yeah. Yeah. That educated me. Right, what- anymore?
Steve: So what's that taught you? That's taught you, you know, be careful when smuggling lizards back--
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: As some kind of hat.
Ricky: Yeah, just say "Lizard, keep you're tongue in you twat! Not at the customs officer!"
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And, uhh, what else have I got?
Ricky: Any that didn't quite make it?
Steve Laughs
Steve: "Anything to declare?" "Uuuhm, I've got a lizard on my head."
Ricky Laughs
Karl: I've got an old saying one if you want that.
Ricky: Go on, then.
Steve: Are these ones- sorry- are these ones that didn't make the list?
Karl: These are ones that didn't make it, yeah.
Steve: Oh, right, okay.
Karl: Because I always- I always get more in than I need to just in case--
Ricky: Just think if someone's tuned in now.
Steve: Mmm!
Ricky: Is Anders listening? Is, uhh, Dicky Anderson--
Steve: Well, I'll tell you- I've got a- I've got a- an email from Richard Anderson, uhh, Dicky Anderson--
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: "The Dick Machine", which--
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Ricky: "The Big Dick".
Steve: "The Big Dick" which, uhh- now this is interesting. It's a- I mean, I think we're wearing him down. (Reading Email) "Ricky I think your show might be improving...
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: "That sense of despair and loneliness, I normally feel when listening to your show, doesn't seem so bad today." - Richard Anderson.
Ricky: He's desensitized to it.
Steve: Yeah, exactly, we're wearing him down.
Ricky: Or he's given up. Or he's just given up. Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I mean, you listen to us long enough and your standards will drop.
Steve: Let's play a tune. Let's come back with more of Karl--
The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So Begins To Play
Steve: More of Karl's, uhh, I don't- I don't want to use the word "facts".
Ricky: (Laughing) No- no- no.
Steve: Somehow it doesn't seem appropriate.
Ricky: I- he's got to do more screen testing now! The camera's ready for ya! Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah.
Song: The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So