07 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Office Olympics

Ricky: Coldplay and “In My Place” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there. Lovely to be here.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington there, pressing the buttons.

Steve: Great to be here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How long can you maintain it?

Ricky: I’m bored already.

Steve: Yeah, already bored of doing it.

Ricky: Bored already!

Steve: Every week you start it the same way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was not bad, though. You, actually, grammatically made sense, which is--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Thanks very much.

Steve: A rare treat, indeed, for Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah. Um… some of the, uh, listeners have already worked out I’ve got nothing to say at all.

Steve laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Haven’t prepared again.

Steve: No.

Ricky: We were- we did come in a half hour early to prepare, but, instead, me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You had five goes each or the world was going to end.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And that- that took up--

Steve: That took up a good twenty-five minutes.

Ricky: Yeah. I liked it when we came back and then we started just trying to beat each other in the corridor and I beat him. I scored a goal and he was gutted cause he thought he fancied himself a footballer and I beat him. Um, and I was knackered and sweating.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, and, uh, as I walked back to you about five minutes ago, you were looking through the records, you went, and this was lovely, you went, “Well, with another preparation, then.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like a sarcastic teacher.

Steve: Yeah. Like a teenager, like an annoyed teenager whose parents have embarrassed him once again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You beat Karl, did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause you’re not- I mean, you’re not particularly--

Ricky: I’m not good at football, no.

Steve: Well, you’re not particularly nimble on your feet.

Ricky: Oh, c’mon.

Steve: No, you’re not. Douglas Bader is, um, more nimble.

Ricky: I’m alright, I’m alright. But it- Karl’s, sort of, I think has got more skills than me, but he hasn’t got the aggression and the weight.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So I just pushed him aside.

Steve: Yeah, good work.

Ricky: Yeah. I’m going on holiday.

Steve: Are you?

Ricky: Yeah, I’m not here next week. What are you going to do, Karl? Are you going to do the best of or something next week, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah, that’s what we got to sort out.

Ricky: Well, we can’t sort it out. I’ve literally- I’ve got to get to the airport after this.

Karl: No, no, straight after this show you’ve got to do some links.

Ricky: No, I’m not doing any links! I said I wouldn’t, so…

Karl: That’s what we planned!

Ricky: No we didn’t. I said I’d do some during the show and then you--

Karl: I thought you were joking!

Ricky: I-I-I honestly can’t do it today, so we’ll do some during the show. What are you going to do, just put the shows that we’ve done this year?

Steve: Sorry guys, uh, hate to interrupt. This is the sort of stuff we should have been discussing when you were playing football.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know. Play a reco- what are you going to- play, play a record.

Steve: Let’s have a little bit of Foo Fighters.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Let’s just discuss this off air.

Ricky: Okay.