07 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Office Olympics

Ricky: Coldplay and “In My Place” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there. Lovely to be here.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington there, pressing the buttons.

Steve: Great to be here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How long can you maintain it?

Ricky: I’m bored already.

Steve: Yeah, already bored of doing it.

Ricky: Bored already!

Steve: Every week you start it the same way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was not bad, though. You, actually, grammatically made sense, which is--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Thanks very much.

Steve: A rare treat, indeed, for Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah. Um… some of the, uh, listeners have already worked out I’ve got nothing to say at all.

Steve laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Haven’t prepared again.

Steve: No.

Ricky: We were- we did come in a half hour early to prepare, but, instead, me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You had five goes each or the world was going to end.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And that- that took up--

Steve: That took up a good twenty-five minutes.

Ricky: Yeah. I liked it when we came back and then we started just trying to beat each other in the corridor and I beat him. I scored a goal and he was gutted cause he thought he fancied himself a footballer and I beat him. Um, and I was knackered and sweating.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, and, uh, as I walked back to you about five minutes ago, you were looking through the records, you went, and this was lovely, you went, “Well, with another preparation, then.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like a sarcastic teacher.

Steve: Yeah. Like a teenager, like an annoyed teenager whose parents have embarrassed him once again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You beat Karl, did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause you’re not- I mean, you’re not particularly--

Ricky: I’m not good at football, no.

Steve: Well, you’re not particularly nimble on your feet.

Ricky: Oh, c’mon.

Steve: No, you’re not. Douglas Bader is, um, more nimble.

Ricky: I’m alright, I’m alright. But it- Karl’s, sort of, I think has got more skills than me, but he hasn’t got the aggression and the weight.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So I just pushed him aside.

Steve: Yeah, good work.

Ricky: Yeah. I’m going on holiday.

Steve: Are you?

Ricky: Yeah, I’m not here next week. What are you going to do, Karl? Are you going to do the best of or something next week, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah, that’s what we got to sort out.

Ricky: Well, we can’t sort it out. I’ve literally- I’ve got to get to the airport after this.

Karl: No, no, straight after this show you’ve got to do some links.

Ricky: No, I’m not doing any links! I said I wouldn’t, so…

Karl: That’s what we planned!

Ricky: No we didn’t. I said I’d do some during the show and then you--

Karl: I thought you were joking!

Ricky: I-I-I honestly can’t do it today, so we’ll do some during the show. What are you going to do, just put the shows that we’ve done this year?

Steve: Sorry guys, uh, hate to interrupt. This is the sort of stuff we should have been discussing when you were playing football.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know. Play a reco- what are you going to- play, play a record.

Steve: Let’s have a little bit of Foo Fighters.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Let’s just discuss this off air.

Ricky: Okay.

Song: Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly

Going on Holiday With Ricky Gervais

Ricky: Foo Fighters, there. “Learning to Fly.” Steve, I hope the pilot that I get today flying the plane that I'm going on holiday in has already learnt to fly.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Oh ho ho! Well done. That is dynamite. That’s text--that’s a textbook link.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: That’s genius. Oh, very good. Where are you going? Wha-what’s the story? Where are you off to?

Ricky: Uh, Sorrento.

Steve: Where’s that?

Ricky: Uh, sort of, South Italy.

Steve: Italy?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What are you like on holiday? Are you a nightmare? Are you the, like--

Ricky: No. Why would you--

Steve: Cause you’re quite- but you’re quite, I mean, obviously I, you know, I’ve often said on the radio before, that I- I mean, spending any length of time with you is-is one of the most unbearable things I’ve ever had to do.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I mean, spending a week with you is nightmarish. And sharing any kind of accomadations, do you know what I mean? No seriously, it’s like, it’s like hell.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s like a living hell. It’s like having a teenager, it’s like having a, sort of, teenage kid who can’t, can’t be entertained by anything.

Ricky: I just chill out.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just chill out.

Steve: You just chill out, dude? Just max relax?

Ricky: Yeah, max relax.

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure. And do you- and so if you’re in somewhere, like Italy, somewhere like that, cause obviously a very beautiful city and very cultured and stuff--

Ricky: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Steve: Is that, yeah, is that something do you enjoy? Do you enjoy the culture of that, the beautiful architecture that’s there.

Ricky: A hotel’s the same anywhere.

Steve laughs

Ricky: As long as it’s room service and a nice room and board and it’s nice weather--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: If it’s not, I’m annoyed.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I need to blame someone.

Steve: And is it true that you go- cause you go to Italy most years, don’t you? Is that because that’s the only food you like eating?

Ricky: I like, I like pasta and pizza, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, I’ve been to other places. I went to France once and the- you can’t explain to them to cook it properly, just cook it properly. I don’t want any- “Cook it! There’s blood in the middle of that.”

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure.

Ricky: Hungary there was- it was just- ohh. I went there for a while and I didn’t know- I couldn’t identify the animals--

Steve: Right, sure.

Ricky: They were killing for me. So, and I know quite a lot about natural history--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And I couldn’t identify what was on the plate. So I--

Steve: Came home early after a couple of days?

Ricky: No, I just got annoyed and I-I went to McDonald’s.

Steve: Yeah. Well, that’s the great thing about McDonald’s is they are in most major things.

Ricky: Exactly. No, I-I- you can’t go wrong with past and pizza.

Steve: So, if we were to go on holiday and, you know, we were hanging out or whatever.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And I, um, took you to, say, a beautiful cathedral. Is that something you’d enjoy? I can’t quite imagine you actually taking the time to--

Ricky: Well, as long, as long as it’s not a very long walk, you don’t have to stay there more than a couple of minutes, then I’d love to look around these places.

Steve laughs

Steve: Right. So you would, you’d look at the cathedral--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s taken, you know- that takes people breathes, you know, takes peoples breathes away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, people travel from around the world to see that. You would- and how long would you stay--

Ricky: I don’t think people travel around to see it, I think they go somewhere and they go, “Well, we might as well go see (Ricky mumbles). They’re huge.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Would you- and would you, uh, would you, sort of, spend any time looking at that? Would you just, sort of, soak in the atmosphere for a moment or would you--

Ricky: I’d look at it and I’d go, “That’s brilliant” and then if there was any sort of soaking in, I could do that later when there’s nothing to look at.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: There’s less to do.

Steve: You’re memory of it, later, when you’re in the bar.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, you can, sort of, you know--

Steve: And would you- and so- can, can you be, kind of, in awe of something like that?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, if it’s big, I can. If I go into a cathedral and it’s, and it’s- I’ve seen bigger, I go, “Ohh, I’ve seen bigger.” If it’s the biggest one I’ve seen, I go, “That is huge…. let’s go.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Then you shoot off.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sure, because you are, you’re the sort of man that’s bored and this is true, Karl. You may not be familiar with this. Ricky Gervais is a man who gets bored drinking a glass of water.

Ricky: It’s boring.

Steve: Because it’s not flavorsome enough.

Ricky: No.

Steve: It’s not got enough flavor.

Ricky: It’s-it’s absolute bor- the only thing I- Jane’s got me on to fizzy water, which at least got something there and I only drink that when I’m, sort of, dehydrated in the middle of the night. I never- there’s no- I never drink a drink of water.

Steve: No.

Ricky: It’s- it is boring.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. But that’s why you’ve always got headaches and you’re always--

Ricky: Apparently, yeah.

Steve: Moaning and stuff. And that’s one of the- another one of the reasons I hate you.

Ricky: Is it?

Steve: But- I don’t want to say hate, I don’t mean I hate you. I didn’t mean to- I didn’t meant to blur it out that strongly!

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But what I mean is if I’m spending a lot of time with you I grow to hate you.

Ricky: Once, right, I said- we were in the BBC canteen and I, sort of, like- and he just put his knife and fork and said, “I’m never eating with you again.” I said, “What’s the matter?” He said, “You annoy me. You- I hate eating with you. It annoys me. You- it looks like a child food. You eat chips and sausage and rubbish. You don’t eat- look at you. You don’t touch your vegetables, you don’t drink water.” He said- he really got annoyed!

Steve: I was because you-you-you’ve got this, like, this hatred of anything that’s good for you. You won’t eat any form of salad… You just--

Ricky: Why would I eat salad?

Steve: Because it is good for you! You need it!

Ricky: Lettuce is boring! Lettuce is absolutely boring. Um, uh, cucumber are boring, you know.

Steve: But-but, yeah, but the thing is, you see, I admit that lettuce and cucumber have not that much flavor, but that’s why people will add, say, in Italy they’ll add a lovely dressing. Maybe some olive oil, maybe some balsamic vinegar.

Ricky: Well, you’ve embarrassed yourself because the good thing about a nice, mature lump of cheddar cheese is you don’t have to have any dressing.

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, though, you add some anyway.

Ricky: I put a little bit of olive oil in it and maybe some mayonnaise.

Steve: Maybe some, uh, Thousand Island Dressing.

Ricky: On a Ritz cracker, you don’t need it, it’s just extra.

Steve: Sure, sure. Well, good luck. I noticed you’re wearing- is this your traveling gear? You’ve got your sweatpants and the t-shirt, the free t-shirt.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Looking to get an upgrade, are you?

Ricky: I’m-I’m going First Class, anyway.

Steve: Sure, nice.

Song:Song: Badly Drawn Boy- Spitting in the Wind

Steve and the Opera

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, “Spitting in the Wind” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais--

Steve: Are you going to be taking in any of the, uh, culture in Italy? It that something you do?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The opera?

Ricky: Uhh--

Steve: I’d love to see you at the opera.

Ricky: Don’t know about the opera. I’ve never been to the opera. I do like, uh, you know, a bit of opera.

Steve: You like opera, do you?

Ricky: Not- I wouldn’t sit through a whole one, but I mean, I like, I like the songs they take from it in that “World Cup” one.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And those two fat birds, what they sung in “Shawshank Redemption” was good.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: But, um, I think I- you know, I haven’t gotten into it extensively. I haven’t studied the art.

Steve laughs

Steve: The art of opera.

Ricky: Also, it’s in foreign so you don’t really know what’s happening.

Steve: It’s in foreign?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So, you don’t really know--

Steve: That’s annoying for you.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: What about- are you, are you a fan of any of the great English operas? Like, um, “The Pirates of Penzance?”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, Gilbert and Sullivan. To me, Gilbert and Sullivan were like the, probably, their-their day equivalent of, like, Richard Stilgoe getting together with Tony Slattery.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: And then, a hundred years later, people go, “It’s brilliant.” It-it is like- they might as well, um, I don’t know, make any, any episode of “Whose Line is it Anyway?”--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Into an opera and in two hundred years time, people’ll be going, “That’s genius.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Listen to this one. Look, this is ‘Party Quirks.’”

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, Amdram society staging “World’s Worst Step.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Cause I- but I was, when I was in “Pirates of Penzance” once, in an amateur production--

Ricky: You used to like “Whose Line is it Anyway!”

Steve: I did. That was, yeah--

Ricky: Although, I did watch it when it first came on Channel 4 fifteen, twenty years ago.

Steve: But we, um, we did “The Pirates of Penzance” when I was in an amateur dramatic society in Bristol, uh, the Bristol Operatic Society. I don’t know why I was involved, cause I can’t sing. My audition, right, this was how desperate they were for blokes. I swear to God, right, I can’t sing, you--

Ricky: Who, you?

Steve: Yeah. Alright, calm down. And, um, I, uh, I went in and they said, “What are you going to sing?” I went, “Uh, well, I’ll just- I-I want to surprise you.” They said, “Do you want a piano accompaniment?” I said, “No, I don’t think so.”

Ricky giggles

Steve: So, I went to the back, I swear to God, I went to the back of the room and I just sang-

Steve sings “Thumbelina, Thumbelina, tiny little thing/ Thumbelina dance, Thumbelina sing/ Thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small?/ When your heart is full of love, you're six feet tall!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: I just did that and they just looked at me like I was the weirdest freak they’d ever had. Immediately put me in the chorus cause that’s how desperate they were for blokes. We staged- we rehearsed it, I couldn’t remember the lyrics.

Ricky: Thank God you were doing “Thumbelina!”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: But I couldn’t, um, I-I couldn’t remember the lyrics for--

Ricky: What was it for? Was it Gilbert and Sullivan?

Steve: It was- it was “The Pirates of Penzance.”

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: There weren’t enough blokes, right, so the- we had to double up. So some of the pirates had to double up as the policemen who are chasing the pirates. Little bit problematic in the scene when the policemen and the pirates have a fight!

Ricky laughs

Steve: That was a little bit tricky. And the worst thing- there’s a sequence where, like, the-the-the daughters of the Major-General all kind of, like, “Oh, beautiful-” Something like, you know, um, “Oh, beautiful little girls are we, la la la la la la la.” And the women they had, they must have all been over forty. I mean, real, kind of--

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Toothless crones.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Creeping around in their nighties--

Ricky: Is it the sort of women that buy one of those, sort of, porcelain dolls--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And go, “Look, I’ve had a baby.” “It’s not real.” “It is a real baby! You wanna stab, you!?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: One of those?

Steve: Exactly. It’s the sort of women you’d see maybe on TV’s “Bargain Hunt.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You know, the kind of contestants you get on there. Those sort of women who-who sort of very in am drama league, they think they’ve come on to their looks, but they’d have never made it in-in, uh- the guy who was playing the, uh- there’s a guy who’s supposed to be an eighteen year old prince, an eighteen year old pirate, uh, the pirate king. He must have been forty, if he was a day. He also directed the show, though, so he got to prance around in these thigh-high boots. Ludicrous, it was so embarrassing. It was shameful, really.

Ricky: I’d love to go to Amdram.

Steve: Amdram is a whole other world. It’s just such an incredible place cause there’s so much backbiting and envy and--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Oh, it’s incredible! I mean, it’s worse than the real world of theater and TV. It’s unbelievable cause the same old people get to do it every year cause they can hold a note.

Ricky: Can we go along?

Steve: You would absolutely adore it, Gervais. It is--

Ricky: Just film it. A secret camera. Have you ever done anything in a play, Pilk?

Steve: We know this. Karl, you-you’ve performed--

Karl: I just did the, uh, a talent show, didn’t I?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, tell ’em about the talent show, yeah.

Steve: Remind us of the talent show.

Karl: Uh… that’s when I did, uh, “Walk Like an Egyptian” dressed up as a woman.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: And I did me magic trick.

Ricky: Oh, that’s the- it’s an egg.

Karl: The egg one.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh…

Steve: What was the egg one, again?

Karl: When I, uh, actually, I’ve ruined it now, saying “the egg one.” But I went onstage with, like, a hanky--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I said, uh- at this point I was dressed up as a caretaker, innit.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Dunno why, can’t really remember.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Art.

Karl: I stood there with this, uh, with this hanky over me hand--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I said, “Right, you’re going to love this one.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I said, “I’m going to make a bird appear in front of ya, in front of ya eyes.” Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And they’re all like, “Ooh, what’s he gonna do?” So, I’m stood there--

Ricky: Yeah, I’m sure they did.

Karl: Pulled the hanky off--

Steve: It was an egg.

Karl: Had an egg. I said, “Oh, it hasn’t been born yet.”

Steve: That’s brilliant.

Karl: They loved it.

Steve: They- yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: They went wild for it, did they? Round of applause?

Karl: Yeah, uh--

Steve: How old were you? Is that when you were, like, seventeen?

Ricky: Was that- apart from, apart from your paper round, was that the high point of your life, so far?

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Is that- what’s the best--

Karl: No, I didn’t really want to do it.

Steve: Karl, I’d like to see you take that on the road.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Or maybe at least to the Edinburgh Festival next year.

Ricky: Karl, we’re going to play a song now, right? One of my- a great track, “Watch That Man” off one of my favorite albums, “Aladdin Sane” by David Bowie. But, during that, can you- can you think of a couple of things for me? What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Can you, can you think about that for three minutes? Me and Steve will leave you alone. Just the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Remembering everything that is amazing. Yeah? Can you do that?

Karl: Yeah.

Song: David Bowie- Watch That Man