08 March 2003/Transcript: Difference between revisions

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==I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off==
==I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off==
{{Action|Song: U2 - Beautiful Day}}
{{Ricky|"Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.}}
{{Steve|Absolutely.}}
{{Ricky|"Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.}}
{{Steve|Hello there.}}
{{Ricky|And Claire Sturgess.}}
{{Other|Claire|Hello, boys.}}
{{Steve|Indeed.}}
{{Ricky|Karl's ill. '''''Well,''''' he's not here. I d- I mean... I ''never'' believe people when they're ill, I think they're ''always'' malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--}}
{{Steve|Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|It's not so much that you take days ''off'' as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've ''overeaten''--}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|And need to go and '''lie down--'''}}
{{Ricky|But I am my own boss.}}
{{Steve|With a cold compress--}}
{{Ricky|(Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--}}
{{Steve|And a Swedish masseuse.}}
{{Ricky|(Laughing) I am my own boss.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Giggles}}
{{Steve|So, it's not so much you take days off--}}
{{Ricky|(Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.}}
{{Steve|It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Giggles}}
{{Ricky|(Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.}}
{{Steve|You actually prevent that beforehand.}}
{{Ricky|(Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.}}
{{Steve|(Laughing Slightly) Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|Umm, XFM 104.9.}}
{{Steve|So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?}}
{{Other|Claire|Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--}}
{{Steve|Uh huh.}}
{{Other|Claire|He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.}}
{{Steve|Mmm.}}
{{Ricky|''Poorly.''}}
{{Other|Claire|And a bit croaky--}}
{{Ricky|I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--}}
{{Other|Claire|He coughed a bit.}}
{{Ricky|I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.}}
{{Steve|To of missed this show.}}
{{Ricky|To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the ''week'' on XFM.}}
{{Other|Claire|Do you know, you ''are'' right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--}}
{{Ricky|Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" '''again'''.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Right, let's put out a "Best Of".}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Act:Other|Claire Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Shall we?}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...}}
{{Steve|Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"}}
{{Act:Other|Claire Exhales in Awe}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|"The human monkey".}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be ''brilliant''"--}}
{{Ricky|And it wasn't.}}
{{Steve|And it wasn't brilliant.}}
{{Act:Other|Claire Laughs Slightly}}
{{Ricky|It was- I've--}}
{{Steve|And I specially stayed in and watched it.}}
{{Ricky|I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- '''definitely''' this chimpanzee--}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|That- that walked upright like ''a lot of chimps can''.}}
{{Steve|(Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.}}
{{Act:Other|Claire Laughs Slightly}}
{{Ricky|Right? Um, it lost its hair ''so it was half human, '''cuz all humans are bald.'''}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Other|Claire|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|So that's the half human bit: it ''didn't'' have hair. I'm sorry, humans ''do'' have hair on their head.}}
{{Steve|Yes.}}
{{Ricky|The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that ''superficially'' looks less like a chimp than other chimps--}}
{{Steve|(Laughing Slightly) Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he ''half chimp, half human''?}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|That's a bit insulting, innit it?}}
{{Steve|Evans will have you there.}}
{{Other|Claire|Should we just play some music now?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Sorry about that.}}
{{Other|Claire|Okay.}}
{{Steve|Aww.}}
{{Other|Claire|I'll get back to you on that.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, that's...}}
{{Action|Song: Coldplay - Clocks}}


==Karl is Very Much a Humanzee==
==Karl is Very Much a Humanzee==

Revision as of 01:09, 20 September 2009

This is a transcript of the 08 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2


I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off

Song: U2 - Beautiful Day

Ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Hello, boys.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--

Steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And need to go and lie down--

Ricky: But I am my own boss.

Steve: With a cold compress--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--

Steve: And a Swedish masseuse.

Ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.

Steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.

Steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

Ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.

Steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?

Claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--

Steve: Uh huh.

Claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Poorly.

Claire: And a bit croaky--

Ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--

Claire: He coughed a bit.

Ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.

Steve: To of missed this show.

Ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.

Claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--

Ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".

Steve: Yeah.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Shall we?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...

Steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"

Claire Exhales in Awe

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The human monkey".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--

Ricky: And it wasn't.

Steve: And it wasn't brilliant.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: It was- I've--

Steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.

Ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?

Steve: Evans will have you there.

Claire: Should we just play some music now?

Ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.

Claire: Okay.

Steve: Aww.

Claire: I'll get back to you on that.

Ricky: Yeah, that's...

Song: Coldplay - Clocks


Karl is Very Much a Humanzee

It's Expired

Where is Karl

I Must Have That Chimp

It's Like Having Karl

He's Not Ill, Obviously

He's Defying Me

We've Got Nothing

A Big Crush on the Scottish Widow

He Can Just Call

There's No One Any Good Working Here

Hannibal Sometimes Disguises Himself as an Elderly Chinaman!

I Put Some Wet Jeans On

He Could Be Your Brother