08 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 08 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off

Song: U2 - Beautiful Day

Ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Hello, boys.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--

Steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And need to go and lie down--

Ricky: But I am my own boss.

Steve: With a cold compress--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--

Steve: And a Swedish masseuse.

Ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.

Steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.

Steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

Ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.

Steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?

Claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--

Steve: Uh huh.

Claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Poorly.

Claire: And a bit croaky--

Ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--

Claire: He coughed a bit.

Ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.

Steve: To of missed this show.

Ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.

Claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--

Ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".

Steve: Yeah.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Shall we?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...

Steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"

Claire Exhales in Awe

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The human monkey".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--

Ricky: And it wasn't.

Steve: And it wasn't brilliant.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: It was- I've--

Steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.

Ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?

Steve: Evans will have you there.

Claire: Should we just play some music now?

Ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.

Claire: Okay.

Steve: Aww.

Claire: I'll get back to you on that.

Ricky: Yeah, that's...

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Karl is Very Much a Humanzee

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Tick tock, that's Coldplay and "Clocks", on XFM 104.9.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Ricky Gervais, Stephen--

Claire: I tell you- can I tell you- can I tell you, Coldplay are coming in in a couple of week's time to co-host Zoe Ball's show.

Ricky: Right. One: don't ever interrupt me.

Claire: Sorry.

Ricky: Two: tell 'em about other people's shows.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Okay, moving on, thank you.

Steve: Please do not mention that there are any other television celebrities on this channel- on this station--

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Sorry. Sorry.

Steve: We're trying to convince people it's only Ricky.

Ricky: But the interruption was the main thing.

Steve: Absolutely.

Claire: Sorry. Sorry.

Ricky: Um, well, we can't get a hold of Karl, right. We looked, he's got his- his old number out there- uh- uh--

Steve: What, his home number?

Ricky: Yeah. His home number, right, so, uhh, we went to the new records - he hasn't even given his new home number so sommat's funny goin' on, he doesn't want to be contacted. He hasn't given me his home number, I've tracked down a friend who's looking at it for us, that phone might ring at any moment, I apologize for that, but why is Karl not available?

Steve: It's interesting that neither you or I, and I like to think of ourselves as fairly close friends of Karl--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We have made him the man that he is today.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We can not get in touch with him.

Ricky: In the same way--

Steve: We can't get in touch with him.

Ricky: In the same way that that bloke bought Oliver.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I think that Karl is now ours.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well he- yeah, exac- (Laughing Slightly) I think very much- that's true, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Karl is very much like a humanzee in many ways.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: If we l- we're gonna- we're gonna lose contact with him and find him 5 years in a circus in Manchester.

Steve: Exactly. They're doing experiments on him.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. They're going--

Steve: "We can't figure him out!"

Ricky: Yeah. "Well, it's- there's something wrong with a chromosome--"

Steve: "He looks like a human but..."

Ricky: "He d- he- he acts like a- cuz humans usually stand upright."

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: "And Karl likes to walk on all-fours whenever he can."

Claire Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "It's th--"

Steve: "He's not interested in other human women. He's interested in- only interested in apes."

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: "It doesn't make sense!"

Ricky: Oh my God! And he's bald.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Steve: He is bald.

Ricky: Oh look, there's as much evidence--

Steve: And--

Ricky: For Karl being a humanzee as Oliver.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I think there's more. I think there's more. And, aww...

Steve: Well, Karl barely walks upright.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Scared of fire...

Ricky: Yeah. I kn- it- it is interesting, isn't it? Oliver was built, wasn't he?

Claire: Yeahhh.

Steve: See, I d- I--

Claire: Big boy.

Steve: I don't know know w--

Ricky: He was a- yeah, he was--

Steve: Why were you looking, Rick, I'm interested to... I'm interested that you...

Ricky: Uh--

Steve: What, your eyes were, kind of, uncontrollably drawn toward his--

Claire: Steve, they were just there.

Ricky: N-

Steve: I didn't see anything.

Claire Laughs

Steve: I was just lookin' at his face.

Ricky: No, I d--

Ricky Sighs

Steve: Sorry, Rick, but if there's something you want to get off your chest...

Ricky: Yeah, and that was the human part of it then, was it, being built like that cuz humans have a--

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Although Karl's is very tiny and hidden behind.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: And he's got- I've noticed something else as well. He's got a big red ass!

Steve: That's true.

Ricky: Hasn't he?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. It's all beginning to slide into place.

Ricky: That's... And I've seen him climb up a t- a cabinet and eat a banana as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just to--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Of a lunch time.

Steve: And peel it with his toes.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It's all coming together.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, we're gonna track him down because I- I- he's malingering. He's definitely malin--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'll tell you what, he's at home now in the garden swinging on his tire.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: He's not ill.

Steve and Claire Laugh

Steve: I think more truthfully, someone said to me, uhh- I said, uh, "Karl might be ill", they said, "Right, are you not gonna do the radio show, then?"

Ricky: Well, that's what annoys me--

Steve: I mean, that's the biggest problem is that--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean, let's be honest, we haven't got anything without Karl.

Ricky: All we've got is the hook - people are staying, listening cuz eventually they think we might get through to him at home--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And there'll be fun on this show to be had.

Steve: If we don't get in touch with Karl, I think we may as well shoot off and leave Claire alone to do the show alone.

Ricky: I've got some great music. Is that not a- is that...?

Steve: Well, it's a small- small, uhh, conversation.

Claire: Well, you could leave the music with me, I could just play it.

Ricky: That is true, isn't it?

Steve: There's not many reasons- many reasons to be here.

Ricky: Okay, well, play some great music now, Steve.

Steve: Yeah, play a great tune.

Ricky: Sure.

Claire: Okay, "Wedding Present", Steve.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah--

Steve: Oh, I'll explain what it is afterwards let's play it- it's a- it's a joy.

The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday Begins To Play

Ricky: It's a monkey- it's a monkey theme.

Steve: There is a monkey theme.

Ricky: There is a monkey connection. (DJ Voice) Call in if you know the answer!

Steve Laughs Slightly

Song: The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday

It's Expired

Steve: The Wedding Present doing their cover version of "Pleasant Valley Sunday"--

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: That's from this new, uh, compilation of those, uh - remember they brought out a load of seven inches in 1992?

Ricky: Of course I do. Of course I do. Of course I do.

Steve: (Laughing Slighty) One of them- one of- one o--

Ricky: It was my- it was my favorite day.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Absolutely. And, uhh--

Ricky: Awww, awww.

Steve: And on the bay- b- do you remember on the B-side of each one, there was a cover of a different song?

Ricky: Steve, I even played the B-side of each one.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And listened to the song.

Steve: That's one of 'em.

Ricky: The connection there that we're talking about was, of course, it was by The Monkees.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Ricky: They- they turned up in yesterday's episode, didn't they?

Claire: Oooh!

Steve: A- a lot of people, I'm sure, wouldn't have seen this documentary, it was on Channel 5, after all.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: So, I always feel like we should, uh, remind people that, uhh- what we're- what we're actually talking about. If we just happen to mention Oliver, a lot of people don't know what that means.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uhhmm, if we explain that it is the primate version of Karl--

Ricky: Yeah, exactly.

Steve: That's the, sort of, shorthand, isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah. Ha- yeah.

Steve: Yeah. But it was- they were on a Japa- they- they- they- the human--

Ricky: The humanzee.

Steve: The humanzee. He was on a Ja- Japanese, uhh, TV show with- they were doing experiments on him to find out if he was half human and The Monkees happened to be there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Micky Dolenz saying, "You know, I'm quite interested to find out because, you know, I'm... a ... Monkee."

Claire: Oooooooh!

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: "One of The Monkees". It was extraordinary.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Well--

Steve: It was utterly bizarre. Of course, we, umm- we've been off jetting around the world, Claire. I- I don't know- I don't want to boast, I'm sure you don't want to boast either. But, uh--

Claire: No, I- Karl told me you've been off, you know- off to the States.

Steve: Yeah, that was the reason we weren't here, the last couple of weeks that we went to, uhh, Los Angeles.

Claire: Business or pleasure?

Steve: It was a little bit of business, a little bit of pleasure.

Claire: Mmm.

Steve: You know, I like to combine the two. (Laughs Slightly) And, uhh--

Ricky: It was, uhh- we were, uhm, uhh, meeting, uhh, a- a company about doing "The Office" for America, uhhm--

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Actually re-doing it?

Ricky: Yeah, re-doing it.

Steve: Not- not- not with Ricky or any of the cast--

Ricky: No.

Steve: But with American actors.

Ricky: American actors do it, yeah. So...

Steve: But the thing was they- they- they were flying us over - it was like the whole business-class trip. You know, they spent a little bit of money and, uhhh--

Ricky: Virgin Upper Class, actually.

Steve: Virgin Upper Class--

Claire: Nice.

Steve: I'd like to recommend that.

Ricky: I'd like to- excellent. It's- it's brilliant.

Steve: Very good service. Very good service.

Claire: Easy. Easy.

Ricky: Definitely get free flights now.

Claire: Easy.

Steve: Definitely.

Ricky: Brilliant. Yeah.

Steve: Richard Branson - lovely bloke and I loved "Tubular Bells" so well done on that.

Ricky: It is- I don't- I don't- I don't think he- I don't think he owns it anymore.

Steve: Does he not?

Ricky: But he's still a lovely bloke.

Steve: Still a great guy.

Ricky: He's a still a good- what does he own? He must own something that we can get.

Steve: Oooh, d- d- d- d- does he- involved with Virgin Records anymore?

Ricky: (Exhales) I wouldn't of thought so.

Claire: No, no, it'd be V2.

Steve: Well, I--

Ricky: What does he do?

Claire: V2 and Virgin Vie.

Steve: What's that?

Ricky: Right.

Claire: Virgin Vie's some--

Steve: Is that a phone?

Claire: Beau- beauty products or something.

Steve: Brilliant. I'll have some of that.

Ricky: What about--

Claire: Virgin Underwear.

Steve: Brilliant. Whatever's free.

Ricky: Yeah, give us some of that. Give us some of that, Branson.

Steve: We'll have anything that's free. Anything that's free.

Ricky: Give us some of that.

Steve: But, I was, uhh, going to New York before going on to Los Angeles where all the meetings- it was just for a little, uhh- just meet some friends over in New York. And, uhh, it's amazing cuz Virgin Business Class, they pick you up in a, sort of, chauffeur-driven car, they drive you down- there's no bo- you don't have to check-in with all the wish--

Ricky: Upper Class. Virgin Upper Class, it's like the f- yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't need to, sort of, queue up with the great unwashed--

Ricky: No.

Steve: With screaming kids - with ordinary people.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Basically, you- they just send your information ahead to the airport and you just drive through a, kind of, drive through McDonald's-style check-in, they take your bag, they take your passport, boom, they drop you off at the executive lounge where there are - I swear to God - lovely free plums. I had two lovely, juicy free plums in the exec- and I haven't eaten plums for years.

Ricky: He forget- he forgets the bloke's name but they had- he had lovely--

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Ding dong.

Ricky: Juicy free plums. All right?

Steve: That- that is why--

Ricky: That's the sort of wit that I am capable of. I heard the word "plum"--

Steve: That is why he is flying first-class (Laughing Slightly) to America to discuss comedy.

Ricky: He men- he mentioned suckin' on fruit, I changed it- I transposed the whole thing so suddenly he was sucking on a man's testicles who he'd never met before!

Claire Laughs Slightly

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: For money.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That's the sort of things I'm capable of.

Steve: Which is only half true.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So he's- he's used his comedy mind--

Ricky: There was no money involved. Right.

Steve: That is why he was being jetted off to America--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To talk comedy. That is the kind of quality you're going to get.

Ricky: But it was- it was great. It was a really lovely flight, it was a lovely car- luxury car and the- the flight- it was like the advert - I th- they've got those beds that, sort of, re- recline--

Steve: Well the- yeah, the seats, kind of, recline so it's almost- you can sleep, it's so comfortable.

Ricky: And you can have anything you want- as much o- and, like, I was fallin' asleep and I, sort of, woke up and, uhh, one of the air hostesses was covering me with a blanket. It was like the advert.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, it was crazy.

Ricky: It was just brilliant, all the lights came down and ever--

Steve: A woman comes around and says, "Do you want a massage?" during the flight. You can have a massage during the flight.

Claire: Oooh.

Ricky: You can have as much drinks- although you can't drink. You have a drink and then you fall asleep.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Because it's so comfortable and they take the lights down. Anyway, it's brilliant.

Steve: So anyway, I can't believe my luck--

Claire Laughs Slightly

Steve: So I'm driving down, I get to the airport in my chauffeur-driven car. Right, I'm sat there, I'm phoning people - my mum and dad, you know, "You'll never believe what I'm off to. Just- just in a car. Just in a chauffeur-driven car", and I get to the airport and I- they- you just hand your passport through the window of this car to this woman who comes over. And I'm just there- I'm just, sort of, buzzing the window down, handing it to her, buzzing it back up like, "I don't want to talk. Check the passport, take my luggage, I don't want to discuss things, you know who I am." And she hands the passport back through the window, she says, "It's expired."

Ricky Giggles

Claire: OOH!

Steve: I went, ("Fool" Voice) "Eewhaa- what do you mean?" She went, "It's expired." I thought- I said, ("Fool" Voice) "It's business-class, what can you do? Can you do anything?" and she went, "No, we- we can send you to America but eight hours later you'll have to just turn around and come back. They won't let you through immigration." And I was like, ("Fool" Voice) "What can I do? I've got to go to Los Angeles and talk about, like, 'The Office' and that?" And she said, uhh, "Well, it's up to you." So, umm, the chauffeur-driven car drove me straight to the passport office down, uhh, in, sort of, uhh, Victoria - which I have to say--

Claire: You went back into town?!

Steve: So I had to come back into town - I didn't get on a plane, I'm wearing my suit cuz I thought I'd wear the suit so I'd look like a real player. So I'm wearing my suit--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love the fact that he wore a suit, I wore a track suit.

Steve: Yeah w--

Ricky: Because I thought, "I don't need to get upgraded. I'm first class."

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I c- I- I- I was- I wanted to go on in my pants and slippers.

Steve and Claire Chuckle

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, uhh, you know, with--

Steve: In fact, isn't that why she covered you with a blanket at one point?

Ricky and Claire Laugh

Steve: But, uhh- so they take me back down to, uhh, the passport- I don't know if you've had to go down and get your passport changed but, uhh, they treat you like you are an illegal immigrant--

Claire: Yeah, like you're- yeah.

Steve: Sneaking into the country. I'm wearing a suit, I've got luggage, you know, I've c- I'm clearly a dignified kind of guy - that's obvious - I'm speaking with a certain eloquence, I've got a certain poise--

Ricky: How?!

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) I've just been working on it in the car.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Oh, right. Okay. Go on.

Steve: And--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: And they just- they say, "You've got to come back" that night, so I had to come back, I had to- I had to get my passport photos done--

Ricky: He called me--

Steve: I had to buy a sandwich but I didn't have enough change for the machine because there was not a- it was an absolute nightmare. I ended up- I spent- I began the day in a chauffeur-driven car on my way to Los Angeles to discuss business with, uh, Universal Television Pictures and I sp- (Laughs Slightly) and I ended the day on the tube--

Ricky Giggles Slightly

Steve: In a suit, with my luggage stood next to one of the posters advertising this radio show.

Claire Laughs

Steve: Which was just embarrassing because people kept pointing and staring and laughing.

Ricky: He called me- he called me, right, he said, "Rick, I've really mucked up-", "Go on.", he went, "My passport expired." I went, "Awww. So what are you gonna do?!" He went- he said, right, I c- he went, "I didn't know passports expired."

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: I went, "What do you mean?", I went- he went, "Well, your driving license doesn't." I went, "What are you talking about?!" He said, "How old do you have to be to know that?" He said- he said, "When will I know all these things."

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: It is!

Ricky: (Laughing) He went, "When will I know all these things?"

Claire: Steve, I want to just come and hug you.

Steve: But do you know what I mean? Did you know that?

Claire: A--

Steve: Did you genuinely know that your passport expired?

Claire: I did because m- my passport expired--

Ricky: Because she's alive!

Claire: A few years ago and I renewed it.

Ricky: Because she's alive in the world!

Ricky Giggles

Steve: There is so much stuff that I don't know because I don't think I've reached a certain age yet. I remember you walking down the street once and you said- there was some road works and you said, "They're probably doing those road works because--"

Ricky: End of the s--

Steve: "It's the end of the financial year and they've got to spend money."

Ricky: Yeah, they have to spend their budget, yeah.

Steve: I thought, "W- how do you know that information?!"

Ricky Laughs

Claire: Cab drivers tell you!

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Steve: But I don't talk to cab drivers! I'm in chauffeur-driven cars! I put the little window up so they don't talk to me.

Claire: Steve, how old are you? How old are you?

Steve: 28.

Ricky: Are you old- are you old enough yet to help a- a long-distance lorry driver back into a car park?

Steve: Definitely not.

Ricky: Ah, you're an idiot, play a record.

Ryan Adams - Answering Bell Begins To Play

Steve: And I'm also- I- I'm not old enough yet to say, uh, uh, "Can I have a pint of lager please, chief?" in a pub.

Ricky and Claire Laugh

Steve: I wonder when I'll get to that age.

Ricky: No, you're a long way off.

Song: Ryan Adams - Answering Bell