08 March 2003/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 08 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off
Song: U2 - Beautiful Day
Ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.
Steve: Absolutely.
Ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.
Steve: Hello there.
Ricky: And Claire Sturgess.
Claire: Hello, boys.
Steve: Indeed.
Ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--
Steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And need to go and lie down--
Ricky: But I am my own boss.
Steve: With a cold compress--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--
Steve: And a Swedish masseuse.
Ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.
Steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.
Steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.
Ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.
Steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?
Claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--
Steve: Uh huh.
Claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: Poorly.
Claire: And a bit croaky--
Ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--
Claire: He coughed a bit.
Ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.
Steve: To of missed this show.
Ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.
Claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--
Ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".
Steve: Yeah.
Claire Laughs
Ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Shall we?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...
Steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"
Claire Exhales in Awe
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: "The human monkey".
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--
Ricky: And it wasn't.
Steve: And it wasn't brilliant.
Claire Laughs Slightly
Ricky: It was- I've--
Steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.
Ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.
Claire Laughs Slightly
Ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.
Steve: Yeah.
Claire: Yeah.
Ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.
Ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?
Steve: Evans will have you there.
Claire: Should we just play some music now?
Ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.
Claire: Okay.
Steve: Aww.
Claire: I'll get back to you on that.
Ricky: Yeah, that's...
Song: Coldplay - Clocks