09 March 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 09 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Steve's Toilet Trauma

Song:Nirvana - All Apologies

The Human Eye Never Grows

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Song:Wu-Tang Clan - ?

It Would Be Too Obvious

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Song:Neil Young - Alabama

Will It Be Horrible

Ricky: Athlete. West Side. I still like that one.

Steve: It’s a good track.

Ricky: Yeah, I was worried it was bit – nov – it would go off very quickly.

Steve: No, it’s not bad at all.

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, Karl PIlkington. Steve.

Steve: Well, we were talkin’ about the news just now, and um, there was a story I heard in the week, and I think – it was on the radio, and I don’t know all the details, but what I heard was that a number of, I think it was Falkland, uh, maybe Gulf War, war veterans, were I think suing, or complaining to the government, ‘cause they wanted compensation for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now, I don’t know all the ins and outs of it, but it seems to me, that if you’re in the army, and you’re a soldier, a certain degree of trauma, is kind of inevitable. I mean, after all, if you’re any good at your job, you are gonna see people getting killed. So I don’t understand what the ins and outs of it are,

Ricky chuckles

Steve: I don’t know why,

Ricky: (Mumbles) - came back and Tony Blair met him and go, Alright? Well, not really, no! Go on - whatsa matter? Well there was people shootin’ at us and everything, it was all muddy .. Well, calm down, don’t cry. Well, I will cry!

Steve: There was a drill sergeant, just kept shoutin’, sayin’ Look at you, stupid boy, this gun’s not clean, and I just cleaned the gun, and it was fine, and now he’s tellin’ me to clean it again,

Ricky: Yeah, the boots, they was shiny, and he’s got to do that, it’s more -

Steve: His neck was as big as his head!

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, yeah, but you know,

Steve: I mean, I don’t know what the ins and outs of it are. But um,

Ricky: What you gotta do is make sure you know what you’re goin’ into. That’s what I do. You gotta check the small print. So if I was, you know, goin’ over to like the Faulklands, or, you know, (?) I’d put my hand up and go, Will uh, Will it be horrible. I’d go – You? They’d go You at the back, yes? I go, Will it be horrible. It, it will be horrible, yes. It will be horrible. There will be shooting, and lots of death and everything like that. I go, Right. I’m not gonna go then.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Ok then. That should be fine, yeah!

Steve: That should be fine.

Ricky: Does anyone else scared about this? Uh, pretty much all of us. Ok, then, we won’t send anyone then.

Steve: Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Karl: Me brother, me brother went into the army. Right. ‘Cause um, ‘cause he couldn’t get a normal job. And me dad said, That’s it. If you don’t get a job by such-and-such a date, son, you’re goin’ in the army.

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Karl: And um, so when, when was the Faulkands? Was it about 80-

Ricky: ’81.

Karl: Right. And he joined, back in like ’81 or something, and uh he, I dunno, he was in a older shot (?) or something,

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: And uh, he wrote back to me mum saying, Bad time to join, bad time and this. So, she wrote,

Ricky: Bad time to join! That’s so sweet, Karl, isn’t it. That -Dear Dad, well, done,

Steve: Don’t know if you’ve noticed,

Ricky: Yeah. I was on the dole, that’s for sure, Uh, thank you for (mumbles) uh, a month before the Belgrano.

Karl: Anyway.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Me mam called up, spoke to the sergeant, and said, Can you leave ‘im out of this one.

Steve: Can you leave him out of this one. What, the Falkland War?

Karl: He’s only just joined, and she called him ‘Chuck’ which he got done for. Like she, she’s one ‘a them, I think it’s a Northern thing, like sayin’ How are ya, Chuck.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And she called the sergeant Chuck. And he, he, he the sergeant said to me brother, uh, Your mum, you know, she’s called up and asked if you can not go. Which, of course, you know I mean, we’ll see how it goes,

Ricky: What? What’d’mean? Why did the sergeant even entertain this?

Karl: Well,

Ricky: Pilkington, Come’re. Your mam’s been givin’ me a bit of an earache, now listen. Tell ‘er I’ve toldja, but can you call her, ‘cause she was really, she called me Chuck and everything. Can you call her and say you don’t mind, oh please, ‘cause I’ve promised her I’ll uh, Say you wanna go. No! Please, say you wanna go! Why was he entertainin’ this phone call?

Karl: Prob’ly because he was a new.

Ricky: What?

Karl: ‘Cause he was new to the army, I s’pose.

Ricky: Who? No, I mean the sergeant!

Karl: I dunno! Maybe they do that!

Steve: So what happened, he didn’t go in the end?

Karl: So he didn’t go, no.

Ricky: You can’t do –

Steve: But that’s ludicrous!

Ricky: I love that though – we’re goin’ over the top – Pilkington! I’ve got a note. Yeah. Is this, is this really your mum. Yeah. Ok. No, this seems to be in order.

Steve: You didn’t – no – you – ‘cause I noticed it says, um, uh, I do not want to go in the army, I do not want to go and fight, and it’s crossed out and said, My mum said -

Ricky: No, no, my mum wrote this.

Steve: You didn’t do this yourself. You definitely wrote this yourself.

Ricky: Ok. You’re excused. You’re gonna have to fill envelopes.

Karl: No, I’m sure if he was needed he would’ve had to go, but I think they made a bit of a special effort.

Ricky: It wasn’t conscription anyway! Oh no, I was thinkin’ of the army (can’t understand)

Steve: So were the soldiers goin’ around, just going (chicken noises)

Ricky: Pilkington!

Karl: No. He ended up being a mechanic and he got kicked out for going for a packet of fags in a tank.

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: What?!

Ricky: Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean he nipped down the shops in a tank.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: I don’t believe that, Karl. You’ve made that up.

Karl: Honest to God. That, and he went off with the sergeant’s wife. So that didn’t help. He ended up getting kicked out.

Steve: Sorry – your brother’s a genius.

Ricky: I love this. I love this. First of all, um, he gets a call from his mum going, Let him off. Oh God. Then he goes, Uh, uh, where’s – where’s Pilkington? His mum’s on the phone. Where is he. Um, he’s near your house, sergeant. Near my house? Well why - No, no reason. Well, when he comes back, when he’s finished, tell him his mum called. And can he get me a packet of fags. Tell him to walk, this time. This is ludicrous.

Steve: Wow! This is - so the sereant found out, that he was, sleeping with his wife.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t know, I mean, I was quite young.

Steve: Did your mum phone up, and say, Let him off.

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: Don’t court martial him.

Ricky: - this time. Can he, yeah, yeah. That’s fantastic.

Karl: He misses it. I mean, I haven’t seen him for about 11 years. But, ever since he came out, he’s just gettin’ into trouble and that. In the army, you know people slag it off but I think, if you’re a certain type of person it’s good for you.

Steve: It didn’t straighten him out! Look at him! He was goin’ down the shops in a tank, he was shaggin’ someone behind their back!

Karl: No, it’s it’s really weird, it’s like back then he was like a proper adult, and he had a house, and he collected crystal with his wife and that.

Ricky titters

Karl: And now, he ‘asn’t got any of that.

Steve: Has he got the wife?

Karl: No.

Steve: Has he got the crystal?

Karl: Don’t think he has.

Ricky: And he hasn’t got the house.

Karl: I seriously haven’t seen him for about 11 or 12 years.

Ricky: It always st- Karl’s stories always start off nice and funny, and then they just leave me empty and slightly depressed.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: I don’t know whether to hug him, or shoot him,

Steve: Steve laughs

Ricky: Put him out of his misery. Can we take care to the – phone in if you think I should take Karl to the vet’s, and have him put down. ‘Cause it’s just too stressful!

Steve titters

Song:The Hives - Main Offender

Sorry To Hear About Your Exam Results

Ricky: Hives. Main Offender. Xfm 104.9. Well, it’s that time in the show where, I test Karl. On his uh,

Steve: Homework.

Ricky: Yeah. For the week. History. The re-education of Karl PIlkington. As you know, we found out last week, uh, he’d taken 1 GCSE. And he got an E. And it was History.

Karl: D’ya know, Steve, I haven’t told you this. Went shopping on Sunday, buy some new jeans. Was in a shop, Saw an old lad who I haven’t seen for about 2 ½ years. Went, You alright, mate? How’re you doing? First thing he said, Sorry to hear about your exam results.

Ricky titters

Steve: God! Had he listened to the show, or someone else just told him?

Karl: Yep, yep, he was on a train listening on the way to a football match or something.

Steve: He knew that you were on the show,

Karl: Yeah. First thing he said. So sorry about your exam results.

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: Haven’t people been comin’ up to you in the station, going, Do you want to talk about it?

Steve: God!

Karl: I know!

Ricky: Well you did take it pretty badly. For a 29 year old man.

Karl: Just a bit of a shock, because it annoyed me that,

Ricky: It wasn’t a shock! You knew you hadn’t gotten any!

Karl: No. I thought I would’ve gotten a bit more than that. I wasn’t expecting, you know,

Ricky: But you didn’t even think you took History, so that must’ve been a bonus!

Karl: Yeah, that’s what me girlfriend said. She said, Well, yeah,

Steve: But didn’t she say something quite philosophical, like You didn’t even have an E this morning.

Karl: Yeah. She said, Yesterday, you know, you didn’t have anything,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Exactly.

Karl: Which was good. But anyway,

Ricky: Ok. Well, anyway, you were tested on Che Guevara. All right. Karl.

Steve: Hang on a minute – we should just remind people of what happened, because last week, you gave him –

Ricky: This is a little series – I’ve got lots of these little books, they’re about 2 ½ inches long, by about, you know, 2 inches long, those tiny little things you see in the, sort of in the front counter of Waterstones or Smiths. And it’s the life and times, a series, of all the greats. All the greats of history. Uh, last week you read about Rasputin, wasn’t impressed.

Karl: No.

Ricky: Uh, this week –

Karl: This book’s a little bit thicker than the Rasputin one.

Ricky: No, they’re the same I think. Was it?

Karl: Bit bigger.

Ricky: Maybe the writing’s,

Karl: Bigger writing or something.

Ricky: Um, but Ok – Che Guevara. Who was Che Guevara. Now, just – just – you learned to pronounce it. Right? And how did you remember. You told me in the week how you learned to remember what his name was.

Karl: Che – it’s like shake. And his surname is like guitar. Chevar.

Steve: Right. Ok.

Karl: Um, but anyway, right. Um,

Ricky: Tell us what you know, and (mumbles)

Karl: Right. First of all, um, his, his name, isn’t really Che,

Steve: Right.

Karl: It was somethin’ else, and Che means ‘buddy’.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: In, wherever he’s – in uh, Argentinia. Right? That’s right, innit?

Ricky and Steve: Yup.

Karl: All right, so anyway, he was born, and he was uh,

Ricky: By the way, Karl’s not readin’ this from a book now – this is all out of his own head!

Steve: This is not pre-planned notes.

Ricky: No, this is, this is, I mean, I know it sounds written, but, (snaps) he’s just riffin’ on this.

Steve: Yup.

Karl: All right, here we go – here we go.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uh, he was born. He had bad asthma as a kid,

Steve: Right.

Karl: Which I thought was quite interestin’, because they didn’t have cars and that back then, and that’s what they’re blamin’ asthma on these days. The bad, the bad buildup of traffic and that.

Steve: Well they did have cars, Karl.

Karl: Not as many as they have now.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: So that was something I picked up, early,

Steve: Yep.

Karl: In the story.

Steve: He had asthma, yep.

Karl: His dad – his dad was into pol- he wasn’t a politician or anything, but he was, you know, they were into the politics,

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So he sorta grew up ‘round a family who was into watchin’ the news and that, keepin’ up with what’s goin’ on,

Steve: In the world.

Karl: Keepin’ up to date and that. So that sort of rubbed off on him. He went to school, he was doin’ stuff on medicine,

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: Yeah, he wanted to be, a doctor, or he thought he did,

Steve: Yup.

Karl: Anyway, he learned really quick. He did like, uh, 6 months work in about 3 months. So he could have some time off school or something.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So he took that time off,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And went to travel, South America with his mate.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: On a motorbike.

Ricky and Steve: Yep.

Karl: And he uh, he saw all this bad goin’ on in the world, and he thought, Aw. This is bad this.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You know, I should do something here. I should change this. Make it a nicer place to live. So he um, he said, What I’m gonna do is uh, join a gang, that is against the uh, like the government.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Am I right so far?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re doing very well.

Karl: And the woman who he met was like, running this gang, was a woman called ‘ilda. Who he later married.

Ricky: All right.

Karl: And ‘ilda, introduced him to Castro,

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Who was like the head cheese of the gang who wanted to change things. and um, so uh, she said like This is, this is uh, I think his real name was En- Englebert or something like that.

Ricky: Ernesto.

Karl: What?

Ricky: Ernesto.

Karl: Ernesto. She said, This is Ernesto. He does medicine, we should have him in our, in our sort of army,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So when there’s injuries and that, he can make people better. He said, All right then. So he joined the gang, and they went like uh, went, went to sort of – I’m choppin’ it down a bit.

Steve: Nonono –

Ricky: Oh, sure, sure, you’re condensin’ it,

Karl: It’s not in real time.

Ricky: No.

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Karl: So uh, so anyway,

Steve: It feels like it!

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Karl: See, this is why I just wanted to, you to ask me questions.

Steve: Well listen – let me, let’s just cut to the chase then.

Ricky: Ok.

Steve: Obviously he made his name as part of the Cuban revolution.

Ricky and Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, do you know what date that was?

Karl: Uh, about uh – no, I don’t.

Steve: Ok. So, obviously, he became, he was – big involvement with that. Um,

Ricky: Wh- which country was he caught.

Karl: He was caught in, Bolivia.

Ricky: Yeah. And how did he die.

Karl: They executed him. They shot him. And, his last words, before he died, right, he’s got the guys there with the guns, and he wasn’t scared, he wasn’t like cryin’ or anythin’, he said to the bloke with the gun, he said, Go on. Shoot me. Uh, Be a man. He said.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And they shot him.

Steve: And did it tell you what happened to him after that? His dead body?

Karl: No, but, Suzanne was tellin’ me about this, the other night. She said there’s more to it than that. They stuck it in a, in a glass coffin,

Steve: No, but before that they cut off his hands –

Ricky: Oh, yeah, and his –

Ricky and Steve : feet.

Ricky: And sent ‘em to, to the,

Steve: Nonono, and they buried them different places, and they buried the body, I think they might’ve sent the hands to Che- to Fidel. But they buried him in an unmarked grave. ‘Cause they didn’t want anyone to start using his grave or his tomb as a place of

Ricky: Martyrdom.

Steve: Martyrdom. But of course, that just made him even more of a martyr, because no one knew where he was buried! So that just means,

Karl: Yeah, but that wouldn’t work anyway, ‘cause if they did find out, that’s more places people can go and sort of grieve.

Ricky titters

Ricky: Genius!

Karl: D’y’know’I mean? If you’ve got all these different graves,

Steve: What, with different parts of his body.

Karl: Well, you’ve got a foot over there, and it’s like, Oh, God, you know, Thanks for what you did,

Steve: A head over there,

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Ricky: He’s a genius!

Steve: Yeah! So,

Ricky: So, all in all,

Steve: So essentially, what’s your summary of Che?

Ricky: Yeah. You like him more than Rasputin, don’t ya.

Karl: Lot better bloke than Rasputin, I can understand why he gets one of those little books. Um, well worth knowin’ about, and um, good bloke. Did a lot. You know,

Steve: Crammed a lot into his short life.

Karl: Yeah. But uh, yeah. Interesting bloke.

Ricky: Just on the subject of uh, Che Guevara, um, Steve called me up in the week ‘cause he was goin’ through the duty log, we love the complaints, of the BBC duty log. And, someone had written in because one of the Blue Peter presenters was wearin’ a Che Guevara t-shirt, and what did the bloke say?

Steve: Yeah, this is a series of, people can phone in and write and, complain to the BBC about different things.

Karl: Why would you complain about wearin’ someone’s head on it?

Steve: No, this is the thing – you can phone in about them, but the best one, there’s been some amazing complaints on there,

Ricky: Oh, there are some great ones!

Steve: My favourite – my favourite one that wasn’t a complaint but was actually just someone that had to phone in was, What an excellent edition of Kilroy this morning, which I thought was,

Ricky: Yeah! But it’s like that! It’s things like, Esther was superb. Woman. Call, 1.

Steve: Yeah. Woman called. There was a brilliant one I remember once that was, un, Robbie Williams was wearing a Nike t-shirt on Top of the Pops last night. Product placement on the BBC? So pathetic.

Ricky: It’s just all things like that. Yeah.

Steve: But anyway, there was this one phone call, there was a presenter on Blue Peter, she was wearin’ a t-shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it,

Karl: Right,

Steve: And um, someone had written in and said, uh, or someone had phoned in and said, Very worried to see a presenter wearin’ Che Guevara’s face on a t-shirt. Are you trying to turn my children into Communist revolutionaries?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Imagine that! Imagine who’s thinkin’ that. Who’s bothering to phone up with that information, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Who knows what they’re gonna say about this show!

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: I mean, you’ve been championing the work of Communist revolutionary Che Guevara!

Ricky: Luckily, no one who listens to this show can either write or operate a phone.

Steve titters

Ricky: So I think we’re pretty safe. So, so thumbs up Che Guevara,

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Well done to Karl, there.

Steve: Yeah, no, I thought he was brilliant.

Karl: I did all right, didn’t I.

Steve: But the thing is, Karl, you keep saying to us you don’t understand why history’s interesting, and yet you clearly interested in that, you remembered that information,

Ricky: Karl, do you – I’ve got another, I’ve got a few in the series, can I give you your next week’s homework?

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: There you go.

Karl: Aw.

Ricky: Read it out.

Karl: Hitler.

Steve: Hitler. The Life and Times of Hitler.

Karl: 1889-1945.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Do you know much about him?

Ricky: What – what’s the significance of that last date, what did he – what was that last date, why do you think he died in 1945.

Karl: End of the war.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Which I’m interested in. So this,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: This will have stuff about Anderson shelters and that.

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Ricky: It might – it might not be covered in the Hitler, um, biography, the Anderson shelter, but, I mean,

Steve: Just check if there’s a special Anderson, uh, chapter,

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: Anderson shelter chapter.

Karl: Well, I look forward to this. This should be, be interesting.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Pound an egg. Is page 4.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Excellent. Well, we’re gonna play a hip-hop.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah, it’s time for Hip Hop Hooray. People are absolutely in love with this feature, Rick, as you well know, and I know you’re somewhat jealous of it,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, this week, I know that OutKast are currently on the playlist with their new single Whole of the World, is that –

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Whole World? Well this is a compilation, OutKast, uh, it’s just a sort of compilation of all their greatest hits, and this is a good one. It’s called Rosa Parks. Play it, Karl.

Song:OutKast - Rosa Parks

They Were Too Busy Saying "Who Are You?"

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Song:R.E.M. - Orange Crush

Confusing Breasts With Mountains

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Song:Teenage Fanclub - I Need Direction

It Is a Kid's Film

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Song:The Cure - Catch

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