09 November 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 09 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Karl Gets Aggro From a Tramp

Ricky: Coldplay… “The Scientist”… you seen the video of that?

Steve: Great, it’s… just brilliant.

Ricky: I, I think I might’ve worked out what, what it, he’s, he’s walking backwards, it’s all filmed backwards but he’s singing forward. Now the only way I can work out they’ve done it, without CGI in it and cheating with the lips, is that… he had to…

Steve: Learn how to sing it backwards.

Ricky: …learn it backwards and did it sort of like bit by bit, did he do that?

Karl: He was on Zoe’s show, like, about a week ago…

Ricky: Oh! So…

Karl: …and he actually sang it backwards.

Ricky: …so he learned phrases and then he filmed that.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: He didn’t learn the whole song, did he, they must’ve, he couldn’t possibly have learnt the whole song, they must’ve, like, stopped it and…

Karl: Dunno.

Ricky: It’s a great video, though. They always do a good video.

Steve: No, it’s very good, very good indeed.

Ricky: So it was uh, yeah, “The Scientist” on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: I had a bit of good news this morning, Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Uhm, I was on the tube coming down, and I don’t ah… I don’t want sound arrogant, I don’t want to sound pushy, but uhm… I was at Green Park, and I’m fairly certain, Rick, it’s not a hundred percent corroborated, I’m fairly certain… that a woman pinched my arse. So what do you think of that? Yes.

Ricky: But the—there’s a lot of pock—uh, pickpockets around Green Park so be careful.

Steve: No no no no no, no no no no no, my wallet was still there.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: But even if it wasn’t, you know, that would’ve been money well spent but…

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: …but… but the… but the wallet was still there so how, what do you think of them apples? Eh?

Ricky: So what did you—did she just pinch your arse and then…

Steve: I don’t, I can’t confirm it at this stage, uh, exactly what happened but it certainly felt like a pinch. I looked round, there was…

Ricky: By a woman.

Steve: …there was a woman, behind me.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: She was fairly old, she was, I th—she was probably in her mid-30s…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …uhm, kind of reddish hair…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …uh, I don’t know if she’s listening…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …but, uh, she knows where I am. And, uhm… so I don’t know how to proceed, really, Rick, I don’t know if it’s worth putting up some posters…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: …around the Green Park area.

Ricky: Well…

Steve: Just to corroborate it. If you saw a woman pinch a lanky guy’s arse…

Ricky: No, you could, you could probably get in, uh, contact with British Rail and loo—go back over their CCTV thing…

Steve: Exactly, their CCTV cameras, yeah.

Ricky: …and then, they could probably zoom in and, you know, sort of identifying sort of birthmarks or she might’ve been holding summat.

Steve: And I could hire a private eye.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Again, money well spent.

Ricky: Well, so, uh, there you go.

Steve: So, you know, I’m just saying that, I’m just saying maybe that, maybe things are looking up.

Ricky: Things are…

Steve: It’s getting towards Christmas…

Ricky: The worm has turned.

Steve: Eh? I don’t—I, you know, that’s a little sexy story to get the show going.

Ricky: It’s rea—it is pretty sexy.

Steve: So what do you make of that, then, Karl?

Ricky: What do you think of that, Karl?

Steve: …quite damning.

Karl: Ahm…

Steve: What’s your answer?

Karl: Well… I mean… you’re quite, quite a tall fella.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So… she must’ve really wanted to sort of… reach up and… and have a pinch.

Steve: Mm. What, you think she…

Ricky: She wasn’t a dwarf.

Steve: …she did it with her teeth? What are you saying?

Ricky: You’re not thinking she was a dwarf.

Karl: No, no, but Steve’s taller than, you know, his arse…

Ricky: Yeah, but his arse isn’t 6 foot 9, is it? His arse is about 3 foot off the floor.

Karl: Four foot?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Four foot off… off the floor?

Ricky: Uh, no, I don’t think so, about three—she’d have to be a midget to have to reach up to pinch Steve’s arse, he is very tall. But…

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: I don’t know what your point is there, Karl, you’re just see—you’re just trying to, you know, you’re just…

Karl: No, I, I…

Steve: …maybe you’re just a little bit jealous! Just a little bit of jealousy.

Karl: Well, do you know what happened to me on the way in?

Ricky and Steve: Go on.

Karl: Homeless person called me a dickhead.

Steve laughs

Ricky: How did he know?

Steve titters

Ricky: Do you know him? Is that why?

Karl: He’s a local, he’s like the local…

Steve: Ne’er-do-well.

Karl: …Big Issue fella.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: And he know, he knows me, he sees me walking up and down the street.

Ricky: Oh, that’s how he knew you.

Karl: Right? So uhm… so normally I’d have a, I’d have a bit of a chat with him an’ that, and I walked past him. And uhm, wi—wi—you know, I can, I can be a little bit cheeky with him ‘cause I’ve been cheeky with him in the past, with stuff. Uhm…

Steve: You pinched his arse.

Ricky snickers

Karl: No, no, just saying stuff like, “God, you’re always here, haven’t you got a home to go to,” and…

Ricky: Oh—!

Steve laughs

Karl: …stuff like that.

Ricky: Just breaking the ice, just breaking the ice, go on.

Karl: No, he knows, and he’d laughed at that, right, last time…

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: …so I thought I can be a bit cheeky, right? So he goes, uh, he goes, “Do you want a… do you want a Big Issue?” I said, “Nah.” He said, “Come on, I’ve got loads of ‘em,” right? So I, I sort of said, “Oh, when I was a kid, and I used to do a free paper round of free papers, well, I just put them in a bin and go home.”

Steve laughs

Karl: Right? And he went, “But how am I gonna get any money doing that, you dickhead?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: You see… I can see his point.

Steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

Ricky: He is homeless, and having to sell… newspapers, to get 50p or a quid or whatever.

Karl: Yeah. And sometimes I treat him, right, and… today I didn’t have any money, I had a takeaway last night and I normally give them a quid. And I felt bad not being able to do that, ‘cause I didn’t have any money on me…

Ricky: Right, right.

Karl: …last night. I couldn’t look him in the eye…

Ricky: Did you explain this to the homeless person, the traumas of the takeaway without the tip?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Did you explain that, you know, you’ve had it hard as well. I’d go, “Look, you don’t know—”

Steve: “I had food delivered to my warm flat…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “…it was a nightmare.”

Ricky: “You don’t know what that’s like, you don’t know what the trauma is ‘cause you can’t have food delivered to your flat ‘cause you haven’t got one. So please don’t look at me like that.” You should’ve said.

Karl: But most people ignore him. At least I gave him a bit of acknowledgment and sort of…

Steve: Yeah, took the, took the mick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I didn’t think I was, I just was being friendly.

Ricky: No, I know.

Steve: You’ve got to be careful with the homeless ‘cause I, this is true, I, this is true and this is, I, you know when the clocks went, was it the clocks went back recently…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …so you got an extra hour in bed?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uhm, I was at a cashpoint with a friend of mine, and there was a homeless person sat by the cashpoint, and ahm… we were getting some money out, she said, “Spare some change.” And my friend went, “Hhrr,” he was a bit awkward, he was just trying to make conversation with her and he went, “Ohh… clocks go back… extra hour in bed…”

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: I gave her two quid, I felt so bad.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: He didn’t do it intentionally, he didn’t realize what he’d said.

Ricky: No, I know.

Steve: Just making conversation.

Ricky: I know, just fumbling.

Steve: It’s tricky making conversation with the homeless. ‘Cause there’s so many areas you can’t, you’ve got to avoid…

Ricky: I know.

Steve: …you know, what was on the telly…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know?

Ricky: Although I get recognized by homeless people and… are they, I don’t know where they…

Steve: But you’ve got to remember that’s very much your demographic, Rick…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: …you know, people…

Ricky: I’m very big in…

Steve: …people who watch TV through the window at Dixons.

Ricky: …yeah, in Dixons, yeah, they go, “Ricky Gervais is on…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…pop the telly on.”

Steve: Well, they, they can smell the alcohol on you, they think you’re one of them.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, I’ve had to cut down on that. Oh, I’ve been really good for this training thing.

Steve: The boxing.

Ricky: I… oh. Oh. Play a record and I’ll tell you about that, I had my first week of training, I am, I’m in… trouble, I’m struggling.

Karl: What do you want to play?

Steve: Oh, what have we got, have we got a bit of uh… have we? Stone Roses, classic.

Song: Stone Roses – I Wanna Be Adored

Ricky 'Gyppo' Gervais

Ricky: Feeder, “Come Back Around,” Xfm 104.9… Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. All right?

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Yeah, so I st—I had my first week of training for this, uhm, charity boxing. Uhm, for those people who don’t know, I’m, I’m fighting Grant Bovey… ah, Anthea Turner’s husband. Ahm… it’s a, it sounds arbitrary but it’s actually because he’s, uh, 41 and about my weight, bit taller, I think, but ah… and we’ve never done it before, but uhm… no, but it’ll be fun.

Steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

Ricky: Battling someone for charity.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Uhm… no, but uhm, it, it, it’s, and I can’t believe my luck, because I, you know, I’ve been a fight fan for, like, 30 years and, uhm… and they took me shopping, they bought me all the gear. The training’s great, it’s really hard, I mean, it’s… uh, I imagined it’d be really hard and it’s probably slighter harder than I imagined. And the only bit I like s—the, the, I, I… I don’t like all the exercise and all the stuff you’ve gotta do, I like the bits that look a bit like summat I’ve seen in a “Rocky” film.

Steve: Right. Sure, sure.

Ricky: You know, we do that thing where the uh… the string along the ring and I have to pop up and punch and that…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: …that was great.

Steve: Right, nice.

Ricky: Skipping’s not bad, I’m trying to get good at that. I like that ball that you…

Ricky imitates sound of punching speed bags

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Are you any good at that, is that…?

Ricky: Ah, I’m getting… getting good at it.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky mumbles

Steve: And what’s that teaching you, that particular thing, it’s just the rhythm, is it?

Ricky: Ah, it’s, it’s rhythm and, of course, your arms are up for that long so it… it, you’ve got to keep your guard up all the time.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So that teaches you to keep your arms up.

Steve: And you were… ah, up at six this morning, you broke some raw eggs into a cup and then you ran up the steps of the town hall, didn’t you…

Ricky: With l—with loads of people following me, and I shouted, “Bovey!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: …at the top. No, I’m not going mad, I’m not going mad.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Just, just, just, you know, once every, you know, every other day.

Steve: Mm hm.

Ricky: But I’m struggling now, I f—,I f—,I f—… I woke up today and it was like I’d been… hit by a car.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just everything aches, all the muscles you haven’t used. But uhm… uh anyway, I had a meeting, uh, first time with the, with the people, the programme makers, ‘cause they’re following me for a month and everything, and Grant as well. Uhm… and they said, “Oh, uhm, uh… you’ll need a sort of nickname, just for a laugh.” And I went uh, “Oh, what’s Grant using?” and he said, “Oh, I think he’s gonna use Gorgeous Grant Bovey or… Gra—” “Oh, I don’t know, uhm…” I’ll go, so I be—I’d better go against that, uhm… “What about, uhm, Ricky Gyppo Gervais?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, and I, right, laughed, “It’s all right.” Anyway, I had a freeting with Frank Moloney, meeting the next day, and uh… you know, you got to… do this nickname, and the bloke said, “Oh, I checked out that name, you can’t call yourself Gyppo,” I went… “Well, of course, I can’t, I was joking!”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: He went, “What?” I said, “Well, it’s racist! I was… joking, I was making a joke about me being…” And he went, “Oh.” And then, uh, I went down to get the, uhm, buy all the gear from this shop…

Steve: They’d had a dressing gown made?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. And I was picking all the stuff, I was, like, “Look, that’s like Nas wore. Oh, look, that’s like Ali wore in uh…” And I’m going, “I’ll have that, I’ll have that,” picking all the gear and everything. And, uhm… there was a couple of boxers down there, sort of, like, looking at me, thinking, “Who’s that fat bloke…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…taking up boxing at 40?” And uh… I s—said who I was and… uh, bloke went, “Oh, yeah, how are you doing?” and I went, “Oh, yeah, how long have you been in the game?” and he said, “I’ve been boxing 20 years,” I said, “How many fights have you had?” and he said, “About 40.” I said, “Oh, yeah, help me, I’ve got to uh… think of a nickname. And I thought,” I said, uh, “I thought, uh, Ricky Balboa Gervais.” He went, “Right,” I went, “Or Ricky Marciano Gervais.” He looked at me and went, “What about Ricky Martin?”

Steve laughs

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Absolutely justified!

Ricky: Yeah, I, I’m not respected yet in the boxing world…

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: …but, I mean…

Steve: It’s only a matter of time, once they see you fight.

Ricky: Well, I think they’ll…

Steve: Once they see you fight, Rick…

Ricky laughs

Steve: … everything’s gonna change!

Ricky: So, uh, that’ll be…

Steve: Have you actually, have you actually punched anyone yet, have you actually…?

Ricky: Not any—no, I haven’t punched a person…

Steve: You’ve punched…

Ricky: …I’ve punched pads and I’ve punched a, the bag and I’ve sort of sparred and that. I…

Steve: And are you gonna get a chance to punch someone?

Ricky: Well, well, as I suspected, uhm, my, my punching power’s all right but my fitness is… I mean, I felt like I was smoking.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, but… you know, there’s bits of lung that haven’t been, haven’t had oxygen in them for 20 years.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And it’s ridiculous. And also because… it’s not only that it’s being filmed, there’s other fighters there that are ridiculous, they’re like machines, right?

Steve: Mm, mm.

Ricky: And it’s that thing, I’d go, I could go, “Right, I can, I can come out on top but die now of a heart attack, but never give up…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: …or I can sit down and go, “I’m sorry, I’m…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…I feel ill.” And I chose that one and, of course, they took the mick.

Steve: Well, of course, you know, absolutely.

Ricky: But I, you know, soon, I, as I said, I haven’t got the respect yet of the boxing fraternity…

Steve chuckles

Ricky: …but, uh, it’s, uh…

Steve: And how long have you got then before…?

Ricky: Four weeks!

Steve: Okay, so, and, and do they think they, they can turn you around health-wise in that time?

Ricky: Uh… no, they’re being realistic…

Steve: Or will you be coming out in… for the fight?

Ricky: No, they, they’re gonna teach me the ba—basics and see how it goes, you know.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: But, I mean…

Steve: And each round is… four seconds, is that right?

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah, two four-second rounds.

Steve: With a, with a two-hour break in between each one.

Ricky laughs

Steve: A sit-down meal.

Ricky: So uh, give the number out, I want, I want serious suggestions of my fighting name. Nothing insulting, summat we can actually use…

Steve: Well, let’s give out the email address…

Ricky: …on the BBC.

Steve: …that’s always the easiest…

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: …ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk, what’s the number, Karl?

Karl: Ahm, 08700-800-1234.

Ricky: And it doesn’t have to be in the middle, it could be at the beginning, like…

Ricky sighs

Ricky: …“The Rage”…

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Ricky “The Rage” Gervais.

Steve: Ricky “The Tits.”

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Ricky “The Man Breast”—play a record.

Steve chuckles

Karl The Crusader

Song: Ice Cube – It Was a Good Day

Steve: “It Was a Good Day,” yeah, Ice Cube… talks to me about my life.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

Steve: Couple of emails already coming in, rush—they’re flooding in, Rick, inevitably, as boxing name suggestions for you. Here’s one from Matt, I think, uh, he’s given a couple, actually, Ricky “The Pudding” Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ah, Ricky “Big Mac” Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ahm… I, there’s a theme here, Ricky “Pasty” Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Steve: “The Pasty,” I quite like “The Pasty.” “Here comes the Pasty.”

Ricky: The thing is, Karl said, “The thing is, if you have a really good nickname, it’s embarrassing when you lose, whereas if you just call yourself yourself it’s not so embarrassing when you lose.” Karl… this isn’t doing that good for my ego!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: But d’you know what I mean, if you have, like, Killer Gervais…

Ricky: Yeah, and then you end up, like, vomiting…

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: …choking on your own vomit upside-down hanging out of the ring…

Karl: What happens if you win, do you have to…

Steve: Whereas, “There goes the Pasty being stretchered off—”

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: “—in the first two minutes”…

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: …it’s not such a problem.

Ricky: “There he is, being lightly basted…”

Steve laughs

Ricky: …uh, “and chucked down a mine.” What do you mean, what do I have to do?

Karl: Say if you, say if you beat Grant, say…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …say if that, if that happened…

Steve: Yeah, right.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …and… wh—what happens next?

Ricky: What do you mean, what happens next, what… do you think I would—this is a, a contention fight, the big one?

Karl: No no no, but do they, I mean…

Ricky: They, they, yeah…

Steve: Well, then we make “Ricky II.”

Ricky bursts out laughing

Karl: No, but, you know… do you know if they’re planning on making more money, ‘cause it’s for Comic Relief, innit? So what happens on the night…

Ricky: No, it’s for, no, it’s for charity—

Steve: Comic Relief would make sense.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Well… whatever, right…

Ricky: It was last time, I think it was last time that it…

Steve: Is it Sport Relief, it’s not Sport Relief?

Ricky: It was last time, yeah, but this is, I think this is a programme where the…

Steve: And how, how do we, sorry, how does this, how do you make money for charity from this, do we, do we pay to, to sort of, how many punches to the head you’re gonna take or…

Ricky: No, no, I just think…

Steve: …or how long you’re gonna last?

Ricky: …I assume the BBC donate… money, or someone or a sponsor or whoever it is, I don’t know, just…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: …donate money, ‘cause it’s actually a programme, this is more about a programme, with a…

Steve: I see, I see.

Ricky: …with a charity angle. So, uh, yeah.

Karl: So if, so if you get, like, killed, there’s more money and food to go around…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: …maybe. Well, no, I mean, the thing is, what’s the next step, because… if they go, like, “Right, yeah, well done, you’ve won… thank you very much.”

Ricky: Wh—Karl, what do you expect, that they, that it’s winner-stays-on?

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like in a fair? Where I go, they’d let people punch me…

Steve: “Right, bring on Bernard Manning!”

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah. And the—and then my twin gets up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Wh—what do you, what, it’s just a… it’s a programme.

Steve: He’s not gonna turn pro.

Ricky: It’s, it’s like “Faking It.”

Karl: Yeah, but what’s the point if it’s not gonna go anywhere?

Ricky: Well, I…

Karl: I thought a boxer…

Steve: Sorry, him fighting Grant Bovey in a ring is not entertainment enough?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! What’s the matter with you, Karl?!

Steve: The man’s gonna get his face pummelled in, that’s gonna be hilarious!

Karl: No, look, right, when I did boxing at the youth club…

Ricky: Once! “When he did boxing…” He fought once, he fought a little weak kid, ‘cause it was his first day, battered him, next week it was someone else’s turn and he got battered and he left.

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah, I said, “Right, I’ve had enough.” But it was, it was…

Ricky bursts out laughing

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …there was a ladder there, that I had to work, right, and I decided after the, sort of, the, the first step, I thought, “It’s not for me, this.”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, if you win it’s all kinda like, “Right, well… there you go.”

Steve: Yeah, the world’s your oyster.

Ricky: But it’s a programme. It’s just a one-off programme, isn’t it? It’s li—it is like, you gotta treat it like… “Faking It.”

Karl: Yeah, but “Faking It,” right, that little gay fella who ended up being a doorman, he’s actually doing that as a proper job now or something, he loved it so much.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Do you seriously think I have any intentions of getting into the fight game and leaving entertainment behind?

Karl: But what’s the point, then?

Steve laughs

Ricky: What, what do you mean, what’s the point in, what’s, what’s the point in watching television? It’s entertainment!

Karl: Or educational. I, I watch it to sort of soak in…

Ricky: Well, this is educational, I’m learning a lot! I am actually learning a lot and it’s, I can’t believe my luck. I’ve got professionals telling me, you know, hopefully how to lose weight and punch hard. It’s just fun, it’s like, like having golf lessons.

Karl: Right, say, I mean, here’s an example.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: It’s a, it’s a nice way to plug it, we’ve got Rockbusters coming up in about ten minutes or something, right?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Now…

Steve: Look forward to that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: People, people email in and they don’t just do it for fun, they do it ‘cause they know we’ve got some good prizes lined up.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So they’re doing it because it gets them something.

Ricky: Yeah, my, my prize is that I’ve learnt something in life, I’ve gone through an experience, and hopefully I come out in some way better… if I don’t get mashed. That’s it, that’s the prize, that’s why we do anything, isn’t it?

Steve: I think this is su—this is an example of you, Karl, is you give up too easy.

Ricky: Yeah, and you don’t, you don’t…

Steve: You know, you took up the boxing, you gave that up straight away.

Ricky: …you think there’s no point in anything.

Karl: I did, I did Crusaders, for a... I think I lasted that out for about four weeks.

Ricky: What’s that?

Steve: What’s Crusaders?

Karl: Well… it was, me mate, right, he uh…

Ricky titters

Karl: …he w—he was religious.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: And I, and I’m not, really, uhm… but…

Ricky: No, I mean, you believe in ghosts, though, and shadows pushing people off bikes, but go on.

Karl: …but at the same time, I think I told you once before that I went to the church with this lad…

Steve: Right.

Karl: …because I swore and he said was gonna tell me dad…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …I was effin’ and jeffin’. So he said…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Effin’ and jeffin’!

Steve: Is that how they get people to church nowadays?

Ricky: I lo—I love that, a kid, yeah, he hasn’t quite got, uh, got the idea of the protection game.

Steve: No.

Ricky: There was nothing in it for him. “Either you turn to religion or I tell your father.”

Steve laughs

Karl: Right, so uh… so I went to church with him an’ that, and then the next week he said, “I know that was rubbish and you didn’t enjoy it,” it’s when I got kicked out for messing with a tennis ball in the pews, right?

Steve: I don’t think we’ve heard that but… I don’t think we can possibly go into that now.

Karl: Well, summed it up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky cackles

Ricky: Well, no.

Steve: Come on.

Karl: That’s it, that’s, that’s…

Steve: We’ll come back to that.

Karl: …that’s the story.

Steve: You had a tennis ball and some pubes.

Karl: No…

Ricky: No, in the pews.

Karl: Pews. Pews, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But anyway, so I w—I went there, I said, “I don’t think much of this church thing, it’s a bit boring.”

Ricky snickers

Steve: Sorry… and so you went to church and you ended up… in the Crusades?

Karl: No, they…

Steve: What’s the, what’s the Crusades?

Karl: …they’re called Crusaders, what it is, it’s meant to be the fun part of religion, for kids.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And my mate said, “You wanna come along, it’s uh, you know, you go on a Friday night…”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: “…and, uh, do it on a Sunday as well.”

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: So I went on a Friday night, it was brilliant, they had Subbuteo…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …uh, I played table tennis, in this dead-big old house…

Ricky: And what did they do at the end, say, “I hope you enjoyed yourself, remember God gave you all this”?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, they, it’s sort of, enjoy the simple things in life, you don’t need computer games, you can play, uh, table tennis an’ that... and, and talk with your friends…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and blah blah blah. I thought, “Yeah, that’s all right.”

Steve: I think you’d be happy in a Young Offenders Institution.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: You get to clean the toilets there as well.

Ricky: But don’t forget, Karl, I think God invented Nintendo, too.

Steve laughs

Karl: Right, well, anyway, so that was all right, I loved it on a Friday…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …and me mate said if you go for four weeks, four, like, weeks in a row without missing a day…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …uh, you get a free badge, and I went…

Steve: And salvation.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …“Aww, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t like all this sort of being stuck in stuff,” you know, that’s why I didn’t do well at school.

Steve: Yeah, you don’t wanna get tied down.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’you know what I mean, it’s like, aww, everyday.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, so, uhm, anyway, so he said, “You gotta come again on Sunday,” so I thought, “Well, we’ll have another game of table tennis, it’ll be all right.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So anyway, I go on a Sunday…

Ricky: Who was this, who was this servant of God?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: …I go on a Sunday, it’s like a totally different club, there’s no table tennis…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: That’s how they trick you.

Karl: …no Subbuteo…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …they start handing out Bibles…

Steve: Aww. It’s like a timeshare thing!

Karl: … I was, like, “Hang on a minute, right?”

Ricky laughs

Steve: They trick you!

Karl: So, so I didn’t go again on Sundays, I just go on a Friday.

Steve: Just go on a Friday, brilliant! Brilliant. I’m amazed no one else saw through that.

Ricky guffaws

Karl: Well… well, the thing is, there used to be loads there on a Friday so they won’t…

Steve: I bet there were.

Karl: …they won’t even notice if, that I’m not, like…

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: …d’you know what I mean? That I’m not showing up on a Sunday. So anyway, uh, carried on, it was…

Ricky: Just this kid and a vicar.

Steve: Aww, I love that, you, you got one over on, on the church.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I, I was loving it, right, playing table tennis an’ that…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and then, uh, on a Sunday…

Steve exhales loudly

Karl: …they found out where I live, and the head fella started coming round, knocking on the door.

Ricky: God?

Steve laughs

Steve: He’s everywhere, Rick.

Ricky chortles

Ricky: Why did he knock?

Karl: The fella who…

Ricky: Politeness.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …the fella who, like, ran the club, he started coming round knocking on the door. And I saw him coming up the path and I said to me mam, “Aww, it’s the fella from the Crusaders…”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …she didn’t even know what I was…

Steve: No. She thought you were off nicking hubcaps and stealing cars.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: …she didn’t have a clue what I was talking about…

Ricky: “You’ve been going to church!”

Steve: “You’ve been to church, I don’t believe it!”

Ricky: “You little bleeder!”

Steve: “That’s not how we brought you up!”

Ricky laughs

Karl: So, uh, I said, “Look, just tell him I’m not in, I’m not in,” and she had to keep doing this and they were coming round every Sunday to try and make me, like…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …go on a Sunday, and it was really important that I went and that I was abusing the system and all this. Anyway, I didn’t go, uhm, and then…

Ricky: Why didn’t they just tell you, uhm, next time you turned up on a Friday?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, well, I’d… because there were so many people there on a Friday, you just get mixed in in the crowd.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was jammed, it was well popular on a Friday.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? But anyway, one of the Sundays, uhm, it was, it was quiet for a bit, and, uhm… they stopped coming round, so I thought, “Right, I can go out again,” right, “on a Sunday,” ‘cause I used to avoid hanging around the house in case they…

Ricky: What sort of reign of terror…

Steve laughs

Ricky: …is this?

Steve: It’s incredible!

Karl: Right, so I thought, right…

Steve: It’s like the Spanish Inquisition!

Ricky laughs

Karl: …so I thought, “Great, they forgot about me…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …uh, “Everything, I can carry on me, sort of, me normal life now…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and I, I was playing out in the avenue, fella comes round…

Steve: Oh.

Karl: …and he goes, “There you are, you’re, you know, you’re always busy on a Sunday. Uh, you enjoy Fridays an’ that, don’t ya?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah.” He goes, “Come on, you’ve got to come with me,” and I couldn’t get out of it.

Steve: No.

Karl: D’you know what I mean, I, it’s, like, what could I say?

Ricky: “Charlie says…”

Karl: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, uhm… anyway, he nearly killed me in a car crash.

Steve whoops

Karl: So that was the excuse I used next time, he had a Mini, right…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …and he was driving us there, and he hit the curb, nearly sort of turned over the Mini…

Steve: God.

Karl: …there was, like, three of us in the back. So, I said…

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: …so, next time…

Ricky: Or was it a joke?

Karl: …next time he came round to pick us up I said, “Look, really enjoyed it an’ that,” I said, “but ever since that journey I really, you know, I don’t, I don’t want to get in the car with you again ‘cause… you scared me a bit.”

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And he said, “All right, then.” I didn’t have to go again.

Ricky: That’s all right, isn’t it?

Steve: That’s extraordinary!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He almost killed you in a car crash.

Ricky: It’s a parable, thank—thank God no one was hurt!

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I remember the, the…

Steve: Your life moves in incredible ways.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rather like God.

Ricky: Yeah. So uh... they’re prob—they’re probably round there now, aren’t they? Going, “Is he coming tomorrow?”

Steve and Karl chuckle

Ricky: What have we got, s—?

Karl: Well… will we talk about the prizes next?

Steve: Yeah, well, let’s talk about the prizes, we’ve got the big game, Rockbusters coming your way soon, Rick, I know you’re excited about that. And I, is there more Educating Ricky this week, have we got that planned?

Karl: There is, we are struggling on that feature a bit now ‘cause I feel like we, we’ve covered a lot of topics.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve chuckles

Ricky: I know, well, I know about hairy Chinese kids…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: …and deaf people that hit their head and can hear again.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: So I don’t think there’s lots more to learn in life!

Steve laughs

Song: The Hives – Hate to Say I Told You So

Wet-Knee Houston

Ricky: …and… the amazing… Karl Pilkington. Right. Prizes.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: List ‘em.

Steve: Rockbusters!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It’s uh… one of the big exciting quiz shows, and this may be one of your last chances to play, there’s rumors that it’s gonna get ditched, Rick.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Rumors there that Karl Pilkington, the creator and mastermind behind it, has already grown tired of it.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: So from, you heard them early on, “The Best of the Stone Roses,” from that we played uh…

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: …“I Wanna Be Adored,” that’s one of the prizes, that’s a nice little, uh, Christmas compilation.

Ricky: Secondhand now, then, really, innit?

Steve: Secondhand.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Fifty Years of the Greatest Hit Singles,” I tell you, there’s some great stuff on here…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …it opens, Rick, with, uhm, “Bohemian Rhapsody”…

Ricky: One of the, one of the big—biggest, uh, number-ones of all time.

Steve: …if you’ve not heard that enough already, you’re followed then by, uh, John Lennon’s “Imagine,” “Candle in the Wind,” Elton John, you’ve got uh…

Ricky: All on one CD, Steven?

Steve: Well, it’s uh…

Ricky: These are some of the greatest rock minds…

Steve: They’ve chosen some of the best songs by some of the best artists…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …uh, Paul McCartney’s “Mull of Kintyre…”

Ricky titters

Steve: …uh, that’s on there. Uh, we’ve got ah… let me see…

Ricky: That is pretty impressive, though, ‘cause they are real big, classic number-ones as opposed to, you know, the, the, the song by the artist they didn’t really care about. You see those things on, uh, “This is not available in the shops.” And it’s, you know, the second best song artists have done.

Steve: It seems odd that we’re giving it away on Xfm includ—, ‘cause it includes, uh, Robbie Williams’ “Angels”…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …uh, Atomic Kitten’s “Whole Again”…

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: …Spice Girls’ “Wannabe,” Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head,” and I think it closes, well, it almost closes with Steps’ “Tragedy,” that’s the penultimate track, it ends, though… uh, any ideas? Big, big hit single… “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid, perfect for your, uh, Christmas party.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: Uh, we’ve also got the, uh, Groove Armada current album, is that from…?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: …uhm…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …and signed by the man himself… the “Big Beach Boutique,” uh, DVD, Fatboy Slim’s, uh, concert on that, Brighton Beach. And, uh, there’s all kinds of treats on there… uh, and includes a, uhm, an audio commentary…

Ricky giggles

Steve: …by Nor—by Norman Cook, I don’t know how that works, three hours of him going, “This is where the needle almost jumps…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “…watch out for that. I do a little bit of scratching, I’m not very good at scratching but just look forward to that.”

Ricky: “This, uh, I’m putting a, putting a different track, you’ll see me there… there’s the crowd loving it…”

Steve: “Here’s me, uh, I’m just try—this is where I g—I put, I go from, uh, I go from Conga Squad to Basement Jaxx.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Look forward to that.”

Ricky: “Here’s one of mine, I’ll pop on, you’ll see there, I’ve got, I’ve got ‘Praise You’ ready on…”

Steve laughs

Steve: “That’s slightly dusty, I’ve just had to wipe that down with a damp rag.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: So look forward to that. Plus, ah… I suppose this is good if you’re a fan, this is a box set of the first series of “Linda Green,” I think the new series starts this week or has already started.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I’ll tell you what I found when I was clearing out, Rick…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …’cause I noticed there’s not a big movie this week and we normally give away a big movie. I was moving house this week and I found a video that you’re more than welcome to if you’re a fan. Uhm…

Ricky: Burt Reynolds?

Steve: No, it stars Kurt Russell… “Executive Decision”!

Ricky laughs

Steve: I’ve got that to give away if you’re interested, “Executive Decision” with Steven Seagal in a, uh, cameo as well, so uh…

Ricky: Oh, great.

Steve: …I think it’s on, I think it’s on TV this week, Rick, so if you miss it this coming Friday…

Ricky: Channel Five?

Steve: …if you don’t tape it this Friday…

Ricky: Well…

Steve: …here it is on vi—on VHS.

Ricky: …bring it in because I think Karl’s excited about that, I think Karl would like to win that, wouldn’t ya?

Steve: There’s some great prizes there.

Karl: Well, ho—how about if you come up with an extra Rockbusters today… for the, for, like, the bonus prize?

Steve: I don’t think I’m the man for the job, Karl, I think it has to come from your unique…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …take on the world.

Ricky: Karl, you don’t, I don’t think you’ve quite worked out why… you’re funny...

Ricky giggles

Ricky: …and why things you do are good. Go on, then.

Karl: Right, are you ready then, so uh… just in case, uh, you haven’t heard it before, I give you some initials of a band or an artist…

Ricky: We’re not doing Rockbusters now, are we?

Karl: Yeah, I thought, well, we’ve just…

Ricky: Well, y—you keep that going, I, I love Educating Ricky, that’s my favorite thing now.

Karl: Well, w—what d’you wanna do, Steve, it’s…

Steve: Let’s, let’s hear the clues.

Karl: …it’s just that y—you’ve sort of bigged up the prizes…

Ricky: And so this is only by email, give the email address out now, for people to write it down now, Karl.

Karl: Right, it’s ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk…

Ricky: Ricky dot gervais… at xfm...

Ricky and Karl: …dot co dot uk.

Ricky: Only entries on email…

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: …you’re gonna get three clues, you’ve gotta get them all right…

Karl: And you win all the stuff.

Ricky: …you win all those prizes we said, okay, Karl, go on, then.

Karl: Right, and just a quick example, uh, the fi—one of the first ones we did, it was, like, A.K., and the clue was “exploding pet”…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and it was…

Ricky and Karl: Atomic Kitten.

Karl: Right, so you understand how it works now…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …these are your clues. The first one…

Ricky titters

Karl: …ahm… that army has got some well nice trenches.

Ricky chortles

Steve: That army has got some well nice trenches, excellent.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And the initials there are D.W.

Steve: Do you write some of the questions for “Fifteen to One”?

Ricky bursts out laughing

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: So, that army has got some well…

Steve: Got a similar phrasing.

Karl: …nice trenches, okay.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Uh, the second one.

Steve: What were the initials there, Karl, on that first one?

Karl: D, D.W.

Steve: D.W.

Karl: Yeah. Right, uh, the second one, the top of them curtains are all wrecked… all the material’s all worn.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: He acts it out, though! We’ve got to get him on telly, we have got to get him on telly ‘cause his little face and his…

Karl: So that’s…

Ricky: …his gestures and, go on.

Karl: …that’s the second one, the initials being H.V., okay, the top of those curtains are wrecked, all the material’s all worn out. Right? H.V.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: And the final one, uhm…

Ricky laughs

Karl: …here’s the final clue… uhm, I was in Texas the other week…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …right? I tripped and landed on me knees in a puddle.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: What’s the, what’s the initials?

Karl: The initials, W.H. for that one, so I was in Texas, I tripped up, landed on me knees in a puddle. So that’s W.H.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: I’ve got it!

Steve: Is it great?

Ricky: It’s fantastic! It doesn’t work!

Steve: Okay, tell me during the record, tell me during the, remember, you’re playing for, uh, these, uh, compilation albums, we’ve got the Fatboy Slim DVD, “Linda Green” on VHS…

Ricky cackles

Steve: …and, of course, “Executive Decision,” starring Kurt Russell as well.

Ricky: Oh, God!

Song: Bob Dylan – Just Like a Woman

Dicky's Back

Ricky: Bob Dylan. “Just Like a Woman,” on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Couple more names, uh, boxing nicknames for you, Rick…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …from Josh, uh, Ricky “Blue Eyes”… I quite like… and, uh, he’s also put “Toad Rage”…

Ricky laughs

Steve: … which uh… which I quite like. I tell you, our number one fan has emailed again, I’m pleased to announce.

Ricky: Who?

Steve: Richard Anderson, Dicky Anderson, he was in touch last week…

Ricky: Anders is back!

Steve: Anders is back…

Ricky: Oh, he loves this show!

Steve: …he’s such a fan of the show and this week he’s emailed in, “What actually is the point of your show? Is it to confuse, irritate, depress, or what?” All of those things, Dicky, thanks for, uh, noticing.

Ricky: Oh, he loves this show.

Steve: He’s such a fan. He’s such a fan.

Ricky: He’s, he’s brilliant.

Steve: ‘Cause last week, you remember, Karl, he emailed in to say that he’d rather spend his time counting his feet than listen to this show, presumably he’s done that.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And, uh, he’s just emailed in.

Ricky: I wonder how many… how many feet he has…

Steve: Incredible. Yeah.

Ricky: No, but he’s, he loves this show.

Steve: Yeah, he’s a good, uh, yeah, so, uh, thanks, uh, R.A. Thanks for listening.

Ricky: See you later.