10 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 10 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

We Didn't Get a Sausage

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities

Ricky: Ha ha, Badly Drawn Boy on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I'll tell you what, the Sony's then-

Steve: Uh-ho-ho

Ricky: this Thursday, this Thursday at the Grosvenor House Hotel.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Everyone in radio who's anyone has uh, entered their show in different categories saying oh you know they get it down to you know...

Steve: Winners this year included the brilliant Dominic Mohan, former Showbiz editor of The Sun.

Ricky: Lots of people won, lots of people won, lots of people won gold, lots of people won silver, lots of people won bronze. We didn't get a sausage.

Steve: Nothing.

Ricky: This show was deemed

Pause

Ricky: not-not worthy of anything. I mean, not-not a look in. The panel looked at it and said well, no definitely not.

Steve: This is not radio.

Ricky: Didn't get a vote. See, that annoys me on so many levels. Let me-let me tell you: 1. Right, I've never complained about losing an award, okay, ever! Mainly in tv, I know we've won a lot but we've been beaten a couple of-beaten by Peter Kay, good luck to him, he's brilliant. Am, beaten by Phoenix Nights, the sitcom, a lot of people like that more than the office and vice versa. Right, n-no qualms, but the shoddy shite that I heard that night beating us...I was furious, Idon't understand-there's, there's people-regional-it sounds like hospital radio, right-they've-I mean I shouldn't even be on XFM, I thought eh-eh, you know, it-it, it's beneath me.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I thought 'Well, give em a hand, right, let's show em'. And I wanna know who the panel was aswell. I, I do not believe it! How can they d-? Erm, I was looking back over some of the shows, right *mumble* Karl, and I've just done a little excerpt of a-you know-a trailer of what we, what we do, what we're about, and I don't know how the panel could overlook..play a bit Karl, please.

Karl plays trailer

Ricky: ...shaking her muff, minge and tits around does not make her a ho then what does?

Karl: ...these kids at school with big heads...

Steve: Karl what are you talking about?

Ricky: Shut-Hello my name is Ho Lee Fuk.

Karl: Right there's this monkey that was on a train station.

Ricky: Right

Steve: What if, what if you mean cock to mean penis?

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: But it was me Down Syndrome son...

Ricky: Ooh chimpanzee that, monkey news!

Steve chuckles

Karl: So we've still got monkey news coming up.

Steve sniggers

Ricky: Your're an idiot!

Steve: That's, to me, quality broadcasting.

Ricky: I don't know how they can say that isn't worthy...

Steve: That's what we sent in-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: -to the Sony people, they listened to that, how they didn't think that was dynamite stuff...it doesn't make sense. D'you know, I've been thinking about this since Thursday because I've been a little bit down in the dumps-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -what I think it is is that with the tv show, the tv stuff we've done Rick, we put a lot of work into that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We get the script, we got the script. We spend a lot of time on it. What this show is about, it's very much about spontanaeity, it's about our personalities and I don't think we're ever gonna win an award for our personalities.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I think that's where we're going wrong.

Ricky: D'you know what I think? I think that when we're together, we're the auteurs of The Office and , y'know, and ah, we're strong on it, and we're just two-, we write it, we direct it...You know, we cast it, we-we even worry about the font and stuff on the- you know we do everything

Steve: mm, mm.

Ricky: There's a weak link in our midst, I think...

Steve: Wha, on the radio show?

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah-

Steve: Right well I'm just trying to think what the common factor is because on the award-winning tv show...

Ricky: well it-

Steve: ...it's just you and I...

Ricky: Yeah I dunno-

Ricky: Well I'll tell you what can we play a record and...let me think about this cos there must be somethi-there must be something...

Steve: There's gotta be a factor.

Ricky: that isn't in The Office that's in this that means that The Office is award-winning, and this is a pile of shite.

Song: The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar

Better Luck Next Year

Ricky: Brown Sugar by eh The Rolling Stones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and with us, erm, Karl-Karl Pilkington, the third-third member of this, erm, team...

Steve: mm

Karl: ...team. We and-me and you do The Office.

Steve: Award-winning.

Ricky: Yeah and me-us three do this, do this show.

Steve: No awards.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Nothing.

Karl: Karl, what-what are your thoughts? What do you think's wrong with the show? Why do you think the panel listened to our show and said 'That is awful, it's not actually a radio show'?

Steve: Well can I just point out to-many people may not realise that last year we won a bronze so we've actually gone down, we've actually slid off the list al-entirely.

Ricky: Yeah. I know but I mean that-that yeah but Karl wasn't really as involved...last year.

Steve: Well I remember last-last year you-it was very much you and I was doing it and Karl was just there pressing buttons.

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah I mean we just-we just started out on it yeah so I mean you can't really, you can't really compare. Hold on though...

Steve: Wellll...interesting, interesting.

Ricky: What d'you think, Karl, what-what do you think the reason is?

Steve: Thoughts Karl?

Ricky: Any thoughts?

Karl: I see what you're getting at.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: But-

Ricky: You're not stupid.

{{Karl|But, when I put the compilation together-

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: mm

Karl: I made sure that it was mainly you two

Steve: mm,mm.

Karl: So don't-don't be uh, don't be doin' that, don't be playin' that game.

Ricky: So you-oh so you put the compilation together.

Karl: Yeah

Steve: Right, again.

Ricky: Ah, right, interesting because...

Steve: We weren't involved with that.

Ricky: ...we, we, we usually do The Office, edit The Office and everything, we have final cut on The Office. So you, ah I see so you...

Karl: Yeah but-

Ricky: oh right, no no so you're the *something*

Steve: You had your fingers all over it, interesting.

Karl: Yeah but I-

Ricky: Oh no that's interesting, so-uh, well, erm...

Steve: Uh, that-so the tape was the smoking gun and who's fingerprints were on it: Karl Pilkington's interesting.

Ricky: Yeah, that's interesting we didn't-get a sausage...

Steve: mm

Ricky: But-you know what I'm-d'you know what I'm-seriously though, you know-you...

Steve: Well I don't-I mean seriously it is his fault.

Ricky: I know but I mean, we-we-it's our fault as well cos we should have known better, right, but-

Steve: Than to employ him? Yeah.

Ricky: But, erm, I actually think it's a slap in the face. I wanna know who the panel was, I wanna know what Sony were thinking, just handing it out to the same old people. You know what I mean? Every clip they played a funny phone call. D'you know what I mean? And so, I'm actually-

Steve: Did we send any of our funny phone calls in?

Ricky: So if anyone, if anyone, if anyone cares, I think we should knock this on the head-

Steve: Well yeah.

Ricky: As a protest against Sony. As I say I've never complained before, about *something*, but I mean this one, tsk, dunno what-dunno what they're think-I want-I want or, I want someone on the panel, it was entertainment, I want someonen on the panel to phone up and say why they think this show is rubbish.

Steve: Well and I-um- and apologise.

Ricky: Well not apologise if they stand by they-if they tell me why, you know, because, you know, listening to that clip there I can't see anything wrong with that as...

Steve: No, sure.

Steve: It's interesting , I mean I-I don't think, erm, our number one fan Dickie Anderson- Richard Anders - was, uh, on the, on the panel, although he here has emailed in.

Ricky: Go on, oh brilliant!

Steve: He's got a couple of thoughts as to maybe why we...

Ricky: What is Dickers doing man?

Karl: Eh Dickers says "commiserations on not winning a Sony, I can't believe you didn't win-

Ricky: Ah.

Steve: -naturally. I mean apart from your shows lack of quality and effort, having a monkey for a producer-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -offering the biggest load of tat as competition prizes, saying 'hairy Chinese kid' 48 times every show, Rockbusters, not bothering to turn up for weeks on end, only having three listeners, introducing the comedy characters Camp David, Har-Harry Fook, which I think he spelt wrong there, Stephen Merchant-I'm not a character-

Ricky laughs uproariously

Steve: apart from insulting every race, religion, and sexual orientation, bickering like schoolgirls-

Ricky: We g-haven't done everyone yet, we have not insulted everyone yet, there's loads to go.

Steve: and generally bringing misery-despite the fact you generally bring misery into the lives of anyone who listens, I thought you were surefire winners. Better luck next year.

Ricky: Well...

Steve: I mean, a couple of constructive, you know, criticisms there, but generally, I still can't nail it.

Ricky: Was he on the panel?

Steve: Well I-I, I don't think so, I don't think s-well he's a fan, so...

Ricky: Yeah. Well, no, he-he's clearly a fan, I mean-

Steve: Yeah

Steve chuckles

Ricky: He lov-he obviously loves the show, he's-cos he's-I mean he has hit the nail on the head-

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: which-

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: But uh, what shall we do, shall we give up or shall we try harder? That-that's always my dilemma in life.

Steve: Sure, yeah.

Ricky: I mean I've-I've always gone for the first one.

Steve: Give up?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Ricky: Why-why bother?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If they-if they can't see...Just give-give-give us the award, and then worry about it later and we won't let 'em down. Now they've got, they've got blood on their hands. We're gonna *burble* what-what shall we do? Give it a month's, couple of month's notice?

Steve: I think so.

Ricky: Okay, well, there you go.

Steve: I mean seriously, I mean because I think we've run our-

Ricky: Well I am being ser-I'm not being wacky now, erm, well I haven't told Andrew but uh-

Steve: I think we've run our course with this show.

Ricky: Yep yeah. So let's, let's-okay-we'll give it a month and it's because the Sonys didn't give us anything. Play a record. There you go.

Karl: Well you gotta do a bit longer than that.

Ricky: No we haven't, gotta give a month's notice.

Karl: No you gotta work till about September if your're gonna...

Ricky: No we haven't. No we can give a month's notice. We-you know-whatever they-give the money back or summat. We-we-

Steve: Well hang on.

Ricky: Well-

Steve: Well you give your money back.

Ricky: Yeah I know. What are you-what are you gonna spend your 80 quid on?

Steve: Ha ha, true!

Song: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - By The Way