10 May 2003/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 10 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

We Didn't Get a Sausage

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities

Ricky: Ha ha, Badly Drawn Boy on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I'll tell you what, the Sony's then-

Steve: Uh-ho-ho

Ricky: this Thursday, this Thursday at the Grosvenor House Hotel.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Everyone in radio who's anyone has uh, entered their show in different categories saying oh you know they get it down to you know...

Steve: Winners this year included the brilliant Dominic Mohan, former Showbiz editor of The Sun.

Ricky: Lots of people won, lots of people won, lots of people won gold, lots of people won silver, lots of people won bronze. We didn't get a sausage.

Steve: Nothing.

Ricky: This show was deemed

Pause

Ricky: not-not worthy of anything. I mean, not-not a look in. The panel looked at it and said well, no definitely not.

Steve: This is not radio.

Ricky: Didn't get a vote. See, that annoys me on so many levels. Let me-let me tell you: 1. Right, I've never complained about losing an award, okay, ever! Mainly in tv, I know we've won a lot but we've been beaten a couple of-beaten by Peter Kay, good luck to him, he's brilliant. Am, beaten by Phoenix Nights, the sitcom, a lot of people like that more than the office and vice versa. Right, n-no qualms, but the shoddy shite that I heard that night beating us...I was furious, Idon't understand-there's, there's people-regional-it sounds like hospital radio, right-they've-I mean I shouldn't even be on XFM, I thought eh-eh, you know, it-it, it's beneath me.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I thought 'Well, give em a hand, right, let's show em'. And I wanna know who the panel was aswell. I, I do not believe it! How can they d-? Erm, I was looking back over some of the shows, right *mumble* Karl, and I've just done a little excerpt of a-you know-a trailer of what we, what we do, what we're about, and I don't know how the panel could overlook..play a bit Karl, please.

Karl plays trailer

Ricky: ...shaking her muff, minge and tits around does not make her a ho then what does?

Karl: ...these kids at school with big heads...

Steve: Karl what are you talking about?

Ricky: Shut-Hello my name is Ho Lee Fuk.

Karl: Right there's this monkey that was on a train station.

Ricky: Right

Steve: What if, what if you mean cock to mean penis?

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: But it was me Down Syndrome son...

Ricky: Ooh chimpanzee that, monkey news!

Steve chuckles

Karl: So we've still got monkey news coming up.

Steve sniggers

Ricky: Your're an idiot!

Steve: That's, to me, quality broadcasting.

Ricky: I don't know how they can say that isn't worthy...

Steve: That's what we sent in-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: -to the Sony people, they listened to that, how they didn't think that was dynamite stuff...it doesn't make sense. D'you know, I've been thinking about this since Thursday because I've been a little bit down in the dumps-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -what I think it is is that with the tv show, the tv stuff we've done Rick, we put a lot of work into that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We get the script, we got the script. We spend a lot of time on it. What this show is about, it's very much about spontanaeity, it's about our personalities and I don't think we're ever gonna win an award for our personalities.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I think that's where we're going wrong.

Ricky: D'you know what I think? I think that when we're together, we're the auteurs of The Office and , y'know, and ah, we're strong on it, and we're just two-, we write it, we direct it...You know, we cast it, we-we even worry about the font and stuff on the- you know we do everything

Steve: mm, mm.

Ricky: There's a weak link in our midst, I think...

Steve: Wha, on the radio show?

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah-

Steve: Right well I'm just trying to think what the common factor is because on the award-winning tv show...

Ricky: well it-

Steve: ...it's just you and I...

Ricky: Yeah I dunno-

Ricky: Well I'll tell you what can we play a record and...let me think about this cos there must be somethi-there must be something...

Steve: There's gotta be a factor.

Ricky: that isn't in The Office that's in this that means that The Office is award-winning, and this is a pile of shite.

Song: The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar


Better Luck Next Year

I Hope Sony are Happy

Just Like Workin in a Shoe Shop

I Thought We Weren't Doing This Anymore

Ear Plugs and Matching Tie

Xfm Biros

His Name Amused Me

More and More Things are Annoying Me

Always Put Your Best Stuff Out There

No One Likes To Pick On An Invalid