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==Fly and Dope==
==Fly and Dope==
'''RG''' Xfm 104.9, Steve, just back announce that for us<BR/>
{{Ricky|Xfm 104.9. Steve just back announce that for us.}}
'''SM''' yeah, Princess Superstar is, that was, Princess Superstar, and Untouchable pt 1. Did you enjoy it?<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah, from the album Princess Superstar is- that was Princess Superstar an Untouchable Part I. Did you enjoy it?}}
'''RG''' I ''really'' enjoyed it<BR/>
{{Ricky|I really enjoyed it.}}{{Steve|Good.}}
'''SM''' good<BR/>
{{Ricky|So I’ll tell ya why, it had two ingredients I look for in a record. It was both fly and dope.}}
'''RG''' shall I tell you why? (SM go on) it had 2 of the ingredients that I look for in a record - it was both fly and dope<BR/>
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
'''SM''' haha high 5 man<BR/>
{{Steve|High five, man.}}
'''RG''' OK<BR/>
{{Ricky|Okay.}}
'''SM''' yeah, you're sweet, you're sweet man<BR/>
{{Steve|You’re sweet, you’re sweet man.}}
'''RG''' coming up I've got my erm film review<BR/>
{{Ricky|Coming up, I’ve got my, um, film review.}}
'''SM''' looking forward to it.<BR/>
{{Steve|Looking forward to it.}}
'''RG''' it's a great one, it's a great film<BR/>
{{Ricky|It’s a great one. It’s a great film.}}
'''SM''' lovely<BR/>
{{Steve|Lovely.}}
'''RG''' Song for the Lovers, any min now err and<BR/>
{{Ricky|We’ve got Song for the Lovers err, any minute now.}}
'''SM''' probably loads more chat<BR/>
{{Steve|Sure.}}
'''RG''' er there will be, there will be <BR/>
{{Ricky|Uh and-}}
 
{{Steve|Probably loads more chat.}}
Song for the Lovers: PJ Harvey - This is Love
{{Ricky|Yea. Yeaayeeaaaow. There will be. There will be.}}
{{Action|PJ Harvey - This is Love}}


==Ricky's Film Review==
==Ricky's Film Review==
 
{{Ricky|PJ Harvey. This is Love. Xfm 104.9. It’s the Ricky Gervais Show innit?}}
'''RG''' It's Ricky Gervais show innit<BR/>
{{Steve|With Steve Merchant.}}
'''SM''' with me Steve Merchant<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yep. But you’re gonna keep quiet now, Steve. Because I’ve gotta do my- my world famous film review.}}
'''RG''' yep, but you're going to keep quiet now Steve because I've got to do my, my world famous, film review<BR/>
{{Steve|Looking forward to it.}}
'''SM''' looking forward to it<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah. I know you criticise it 'cause you- }}
'''RG''' yeah, I know you criticise, you say I do films that aren't on current release, or that I sort of just do the plot, or you know but...<BR/>
{{Steve|Sure.}}
'''SM''' mm mm and have you taken that criticism on board?<BR/>
{{Ricky|-say I do sort of like, films that aren’t on y'know, current release, or I sort of just do the plot.}}
'''RG''' I ''have''<BR/>
{{Steve|Mmm mmm.}}
'''SM''' good<BR/>
{{Ricky|But, you know.}}
'''RG''' this week's "Ricky Gervais Film Review" (zhoo zhoo zhoo) is Jungle Book<BR/>
{{Steve|Have you taken that criticism onboard?}}
'''SM''' the Jungle Book?<BR/>
{{Ricky|I have.}}
'''RG''' yeah<BR/>
{{Steve|Good.}}
'''SM''' that was made in what? 1968?<BR/>
{{Ricky|This week’s “Ricky Gervais Film Review”-}}
'''RG''' I don't know but listen, shut up right, it's a good review right? right for people who have heard it, or haven't, you know, you might learn something, cos it's sort of my take on it<BR/>
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve make jingle sound effects}}
'''SM''' has the review begun yet? or<BR/>
{{Ricky|-is Jungle Book.}}
'''RG''' no no from now yeah?<BR/>
{{Steve|The Jungle Book?}}
'''SM''' go on<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''RG''' go right -  the little kid, he's in the jungle right, but he knows the bear and the panther, they're good friends, but it's dangerous, because you got to watch out the tiger and the snake, now the reason is, they don't mind him, but he's human and can make fire, they can't - that's why he's, sort of, in demand, even though they've conquered the power of speech, they can't make fire, but, then, the orang-utan gets him - ow, he's in trouble, but the bear puts coconuts on, and makes himself look like it, then they fall off, they've got to get away, but then he meets, like, er er a girl, and it's, and then they're not, you know<BR/>
{{Steve|That was made in what, 1968?}}
'''SM''' uh huh ok do you write these yourself?<BR/>
{{Ricky|I don’t know but listen, shut up right. This is a good review right. For people who either have heard it or haven’t, y'know you might learn something.}}
'''RG''' yeah<BR/>
{{Steve|Sure.}}
'''SM''' you don't get a professional to do it?<BR/>
{{Ricky|Cuz it’s sorta my take on it.}}
'''RG''' no, no no<BR/>
{{Steve|Has the review begun yet or?}}
'''SM''' ok ok, and what would you give that one out of 5<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''RG''' that's 9<BR/>
{{Ricky|No. No. I’m gonna start from now yeah?}}
'''SM''' that's a 9 out of 5 - strong review there. strong film then for you? and you'd recommend that for friends and family?<BR/>
{{Steve|Go.}}
'''RG''' yeah - just on video, or DVD, or in the cinema<BR/>
{{Ricky|Right, the little kid. He’s in the jungle, right? But he knows the bear and the panther. They’re good friends but, it’s dangerous becaaause you gotta watch out, the tiger and the snake. Now the reason is they don’t mind him, but he’s human and he can make fire, they can’t. That’s why he’s sorta in demand even though they've conquered the power of speech they can’t make fire. But, and then, the orang-outang gets him. Now, he’s in trouble. But the bear puts coconuts on and makes himself look like it, then they fall off. They gotta get away, but then he meets, like, a girl and it’s… and then they're not, you know.}}
'''SM''' ok, good, alright, and the film again was?<BR/>
{{Steve|Haha. OK. Do you write these yourself?}}
'''RG''' Jungle Book<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yep.}}
'''SM''' Jungle Book, jolly good, alright, thanks very much for that<BR/>
{{Steve|You don’t get a professional to do it?}}
'''RG''' and now it's time for Song for the Lovers, this is The Smiths, and "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me"<BR/>
{{Ricky|Nope.}}
'''SM''' good, ok cool yeah, no, yeah yeah lovely<BR/>
{{Steve|Right.}}
 
{{Ricky|No no.}}
(song starts)
{{Steve|Okay okay. And what would you give that one out of five?}}
 
{{Ricky|It’s nine.}}
'''RG''' I forgot (SM go on) about the elephants<BR/>
{{Steve|That’s a nine out of five. Strong review there. Strong film then for you.}}
'''SM''' oh well that's going to ruin it for everyone, they won't understand what you're talking about.<BR/>
{{Ricky|Well yeah.}}
'''RG''' yurr<BR/>
{{Steve|And you recommend that for friends and family?}}
<br>Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|OK.}}
{{Ricky|Just on video or DVD or in the cinema.}}
{{Steve|OK. Good. And the film again was?}}
{{Ricky|Jungle Book.}}
{{Steve|Jungle Book. Jolly good. Alright. Thanks very much for that.}}
{{Ricky|Well now it’s time for Song for the Lovers, this is The Smiths and Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me.}}
{{Steve|Good, okay, cool, yeayeayea, lovely.}}
{{Action|Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me begins to play}}
{{Ricky|I forgot-}}
{{Steve|Go on.}}
{{Ricky|-about the elephants.}}
{{Steve|Oh well that’s gonna ruin it for everyone, they won’t understand what you are talking about.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Action|Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me}}


==Lonely Steve==
==Lonely Steve==
'''RG''' Smiths, lovely song - last nigh...<BR/>
{{Ricky|Smiths. Lovely song, Last Night I Dreamed Somebody Loved Me.}}
'''SM''' beautiful<BR/>
{{Steve|Beautiful.}}
'''RG''' Song for the Lovers there on Xfm 104.9 Can't believe I forgot the elephants - that is, that was<BR/>
{{Ricky|Song for the Lovers there. On Xfm 104.9. Can’t believe I forgot the elephants. That is- that was key-}}
'''SM''' a key element of the review<BR/>
{{Steve|-element of the review, really.Yeah. Yeah.}}
'''RG''' really<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''SM''' yeah<BR/>
{{Steve|Don’t let it get you down, Rick. I know how these things depress you before-}}
'''RG''' yeah<BR/>
{{Ricky|I know.}}
'''SM''' don't let it get you down Rick, I know how these things get to you if you feel you've not done the film review the best you could<BR/>
{{Steve|-when you’ve not done the film review the best you could. It kinda winds you up.}}
'''RG''' yeah yeah<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''SM''' I know that kind of winds you up<BR/>
{{Steve|You stew about it. Um, played a beautiful song there. Uh, Song for the Lovers.}}
'''RG''' yeah<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''SM''' you stew about it um played a beaut song there, a song for the lovers, and er, you know I do get depressed when I see people around me who've got, you know girlfriends, and I think, cos, you know, I haven't, I just think like what's the rule? we mentioned last week that fat bloke from Pop Idols - he's got a bird, which annoys me, angers me, and, erm, this ''really'' depressed me, err, walking into Piccadilly Circus tube, a coupled of nights ago, homeless guy, wrapped up, unwashed, and er, Northern, and is being spoken to by some kind of carer, you know some worker who'd come out to dish out kind of stale sandwiches, and I just overheard as I was passing, him going "well of course it's very difficult maintaining a long distance relationship" (laughter) and I sort of lingered for a sec and thought "what?!", and basically pieced together that he's got a girlfriend, he's from Leeds, he's got a girlfriend who's also homeless, who's homeless up in Leeds, and occasionally she homelessneses her way all the way down to London<BR/>
{{Steve|And uh, you know I do get depressed when I see people around who’ve got girlfriends and I think- You know, cuz I haven’t and I don’t know what’s the rule. We mentioned last week that fat bloke from Pop Idol. He’s got a bird, which annoys me, angers me. And um, this really depressed me; walking into Piccadilly Circus tube a couple nights ago. Homeless guy, wrapped up, unwashed. And uh, Northern.}}
'''RG''' I love the fact that he's travelled to be homeless<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''SM''' I know! pathetic! it angered me that...<BR/>
{{Steve|And uh, he’s being spoken to by some kind of carer, you know some kind of worker who’s come to dish out stale sandwiches. And I just overheard as I was passing, him going “Well it’s very difficult to maintain a long distance relationship.”}}
'''RG''' is there a lot of cheap housing in Leeds? would that have ruined it for him?<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''SM''' I I assume maybe she was squatting or something, but it just depressed me because not only is he homeless, and he's got a homeless girlfriend, but that homeless people are finding love - I mean that's really depressing, Karl, isn't it? unless they both became smack heads together<BR/>
{{Steve|And I sort- I lingered for a bit. I was thinking “What?!” And he was going “Yeah-“. Basically I pieced together that he’s got a girlfriend- He’s from Leeds- He’s got a girlfriend who’s also homeless, who’s homeless up in Leeds. And occasionally she kind of homelesses her way down to London.}}
'''RG''' no, Karl's found love on the street before, haven't you?<BR/>
{{Ricky|I love the fact he’s traveled to be homeless.}}
'''SM''' how do get on with your bird Karl? are you married? <BR/>
{{Steve|I know! Pathetic. Oh, I angered that they’re could be-}}
'''KP''' no, no<BR/>
{{Ricky|Is there a lot of cheap housing in Leeds? Would that ruin it for him?}}
'''SM''' how long have you been going out with her?<BR/>
{{Steve|But it just- I assume she was squatting or something.}}
'''KP''' 7 years<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''SM''' cos, I mean, you're quite a simple man<BR/>
{{Steve|But it was like- It just depressed me because it was like, not only is he sort of like homeless, but he’s got a homeless girlfriend. Homeless people are finding love.}}
'''RG''' yeah<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''SM''' you're sort of a simpleton<BR/>
{{Steve|I mean it’s so- I’m mean that’s really depressing, Karl isn’t it? Unless they became smackheads together.}}
'''RG''' yeah, in a nice way, I mean, you're like Helen from Big Brother, you're sort of nice enough, but<BR/>
{{Ricky|Karl. No. Karl’s found love on the street before, haven’t ya?}}
'''KP''' but I look normal<BR/>
{{Steve|How’s it going with your bird Karl? Are you married? How long you’ve been out with her?}}
'''RG''' well, yeah, you sort of do, but you could be one of those that just suddenly go mental with a pen, you know what I mean<BR/>
{{Karl|Seven years.}}
'''SM''' yeah just stab people through the eyes<BR/>
{{Steve|Cuz I mean, you’re quite a simple man.}}
'''RG''' yeah (laughter) you sort of look normal, but I wouldn't really want to wind you up, to a point of frenzy<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''SM''' how did you meet your girlfriend?<BR/>
{{Steve|You’re sort of a simpleton-}}
'''KP''' through work...(long pause)<BR/>
{{Ricky|And in a nice way. You’re like Helen from Big Brother. You’re sort of nice enough but-}}
'''SM''' ... what thru her work? or you phoned up and said..<BR/>
{{Karl|But I look normal.}}
'''KP''' we worked at the same place<BR/>
{{Ricky|Well, yeah, you sort of do. But you could be one of those that suddenly goes mental with a pen.}}
'''SM''' right, right right<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
'''RG''' you're quite an enigma aren't you? could you give us more on that?<BR/>
{{Ricky|You know what I mean?}}
'''SM''' "at work", you met her "at work" - she came in selling sandwiches? (laughs) she was going thru the bins outside? what do you mean you met her at work?<BR/>
{{Steve|Just stab people through the eyes.}}
'''KP''' why are having an attack on me? you're the (SM I'm not having an attack) one who's sad and lonely<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah. Yeah, you sort of look normal. But if I- I wouldn’t really want to wind you up to a point of frenzy.}}
'''SM''' no I'm I'm <BR/>
{{Steve|Do you- How did you met your girlfriend?}}
'''RG''' oh he's done you again! he's done you again!<BR/>
{{Karl|Through work.}}
'''SM''' yeah, but what I thought was interesting was I just scratched at him, and he just went mental - it's like a bear caught in a trap.<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky sniggers.}}
'''RG''' yeah, yeah, it's funny isn't it - you'll never learn, Karl...<BR/>
{{Steve|What through her work?}}
'''SM''' no, I was just interested to find out what the story was, cos it might be a really romantic story<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''KP''' well...it's not<BR/>
{{Act:Karl|Karl laughs}}
'''SM''' alright! Jeez! I love the fact he doesn't want to talk about his love affair<BR/>
{{Steve|What you phoned up and said-}}
'''KP''' I was thinking about you in the week, and like, does it worry you, I mean, you sort of joke about it now, and we were talking about it in the office, like, "is Steve really touchy about the way he looks"?<BR/>
{{Karl|We worked at the same place.}}
'''SM''' ooh ooh what's this? where's that come from?<BR/>
{{Steve|Oh right right right.}}
'''RG''' he's done it again - he's done you again!<BR/>
{{Ricky|You’re quite an enigma aren’t you? Could you give us more on that?}}
'''KP''' and I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?<BR/>
{{Steve|At work? You met her at work? What, she came in sellin’ sandwiches? She was going through the bins outside. What do you mean you met her at work?}}
'''RG''' (hoots) you did start it though didn't you?<BR/>
{{Karl|Why are you having an attack on me? You’re the one who’s sad and lonely.}}
'''SM''' well, Karl, I'm glad you've brought this up, because, no, no, for me, I mean, a lightweight frothy entertainment show, on Xfm, on a Saturday afternoon, is ''exactly'' the place (RG hoots), where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that's inevitably coming my way.<BR/>
{{Steve|I’m not-}}
'''RG''' oh god, I tell you what would cheer you up, to forget about it all...a bit of Embrace<BR/>
{{Ricky|Oh he’s done you again! He’s done you again!}}
'''SM''' oh oh, one of the most hated bands..<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah but what was interesting was I just scratched and he just went mental.}}
<br>Song: Embrace – Make it Last<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah I know.}}
<br>Song: Hives – Main Offender
{{Steve|He was like a bear caught in a trap.}}
 
{{Ricky|It’s funny innit? You’ll never learn.}}
==Schindler's Lifts==
{{Steve|No, I was just interested to find out what the story was. It might be a really romantic story.}}
'''RG''' Hives - Main Offender, before that Embrace - Make it Last, I know you don't like Embrace much, but that's a nice tune, they do cut a nice little chorus (SM sure) and I think their heart's in the right place (SM Ok), yes, very nice. What - could you do better? I was mucking around...<BR/>
{{Karl|Well, it’s not.}}
'''SM''' that's not fair<BR/>
{{Steve|Alright. Jeez. I like the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about his love affair.}}
'''RG''' no no, I was thinking, there's not enough avant-garde stuff, and I just did this right (unusual sound) - there's a little spring on the mic - what does that sound like? does it sound good? I haven't got my headphones on. does it sound good?<BR/>
{{Karl|I was- I was thinking about you in the week. And like… Does it worry you- I mean you sort of joke about it now when we talk about it in the office. You know like “Is Steve really touchy about the way he looks?”}}
'''SM''' it sounds brilliant<BR/>
{{Steve|Oh ho ho ho. What’s this? Where’s that come from?}}
'''RG''' I was thinking of just doing that, and sending it to John Peel, (continues making sound) maybe with some samples of like politicians going "we will not t..aaar aar aaa"<BR/>
{{Ricky|He’s done it again. He’s done you again.}}
'''SM''' I feel it's more a b-side, at the moment, but it's strong<BR/>
{{Karl|Walking home the other night and I was thinking about it. And do you worry that when you’re old you will be on your own?}}
'''RG''' but that's without strings or anything<BR/>
{{Steve|Oh ho.}}
'''SM''' sure that just a basic demo (laughter) when you worked that out with a decent producer = ooh ooh, man a-live<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''RG''' still coming we've got Radiohead, we've got<BR/>
{{Ricky|Ooo hoo! You did start it though, didn’t ya?}}
'''SM''' er, what are these fellows doing?<BR/>
{{Steve|Well. Karl I’m glad you’ve brought this up.}}
'''RG''' erm there's a couple of..<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''SM''' just it's quite noisy<BR/>
{{Steve|No because I- for me, ya know- a lightweight frothy entertainment show on Xfm on a Saturday afternoon is exactly the place where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that’s inevitably coming my way.}}
'''RG''' yeah, there's a couple of fellows behind us, taking pictures. don't know why it takes two of them, I think one of them just got, you know, a couple of hours out the office. they're from the - what are you from? X-Mag?<BR/>
{{Ricky|Oh god, I tell you what would cheer you up, to forget about it all. A bit of Embrace}}
(off) X-Ray<BR/>
{{Steve|Oh oh, one of the most hated bands.}}
'''SM''' X-Ray - what's X-Ray?<BR/>
{{Action|Song: Embrace – Make it Last}}
'''KP''' it's the Xfm magazine, Steve<BR/>
{{Action|Song: Hives – Main Offender}}
'''SM''' Xfm what? Magazine?<BR/>
==Schindler’s Lifts==
'''KP''' Magazine<BR/>
{{Ricky|Hives, Main Offender, before that Embrace, Make it Last -- I know you don't like Embrace much, but that's a nice tune.}}
'''SM''' where where - is this available in shops?<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
'''RG''' it's just a giveaway thing, to..<BR/>
{{Ricky|They do cut a nice little chorus –}}
'''KP''' it's kind of giveaway, bit of information on bands, gigs coming up<BR/>
{{Steve|Sure.}}
'''SM''' right - how is it available?<BR/>
{{Ricky|- and I think their heart's in the right place.}}
'''RG''' yeah, who gets it?<BR/>
{{Steve|Ok.}}
'''KP''' it's, it's in, er Top Magazines<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah. Very nice. What, what - could you do better? I was mucking around...}}
'''SM''' you're really selling it Karl, you're obviously a fan of the magazine<BR/>
{{Steve|That's always fair.}}
'''KP''' it's alright<BR/>
{{Ricky|No no, I was thinking, there's not enough avant-garde stuff, and I just did this, right.}}
'''RG''' yeah<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky plays with mic}}
'''KP''' it's...this seems now like you've said "let's pretend we don't know what it is, you sell it on air, make it sound really good"<BR/>
{{Ricky|There's a little spring on the mic - what does that sound like? Does it sound good? I haven't got my headphones on. Does it sound good?}}
'''SM''' I ''don't'' know what it is!<BR/>
{{Steve|It sounds brilliant.}}
'''KP''' well, I'll show you later<BR/>
{{Ricky|I was thinking of just doing that, and sending it to John Peel. Maybe with some samples of like politicians going "We will not t..aaar aar aaa"}}
'''SM''' hey, cool<BR/>
{{Steve|I, I feel it's more a b-side,}}
'''KP''' and if people want a copy of it, they can go to the website, subscribe, and you get it for free<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
'''RG''' that's alright..and (k you're going to be in it) what we're going to be in it?<BR/>
{{Steve|-- at the moment, but I mean it's strong, yeah, you could work that up,}}
'''KP''' centre pages<BR/>
{{Ricky|But that's without strings or anything, without -}}
'''RG''' I don't look my best, I don't dress for radio, you know<BR/>
{{Steve|Sure, that’s without, y’know, that’s just kind of a basic demo.}}
'''SM''' well, it's ok, cos I'm photogenic, I'll make up for whatever you<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''RG''' I'll push you forward<BR/>
{{Steve|When you worked that up with a decent producer}}
'''SM''' Rick, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we have some tickets to give away. Is your favourite band, Marc E Smith's The Fall?<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''RG''' it is, yeah<BR/>
{{Together|Steve and Ricky|Ooh-hoo!}}
'''SM''' and is your favourite venue the Kentish Town forum?<BR/>
{{Steve|Man a-live.}}
'''RG''' ohh I'd see anything there - I'd see The Fall anywhere, and I'd see anything there, so if you're telling me The Fall are there, we're not giving them away Steve - I'd like them for myself.<BR/>
{{Ricky|Still coming, we've got Radiohead, we've got Ice Cu--}}
'''SM''' Rick, I'm just trying to remember if your favourite support act of late is "Schindler"?<BR/>
{{Steve|What are these fellas doing?}}
'''RG''' ahh...no I hate 'em, I'm not going - give them away<BR/>
{{Ricky|Erm there's a couple of..}}
'''SM''' ok so the doors are at 7.30, doesn't say when it is.<BR/>
{{Steve|It’s quite noisy; it’s just distracting.}}
'''RG''' I'm only joking, Schindler, I'm only joking by the way Schindler, to the lads in Schindler, if they think I'm being a bit nasty.<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah, there's a couple of fellas behind us, um, taking pictures. Don't know why it takes two of them.}}
'''SM''' it's 7.30, the tickets are 11.50 in advance, I'm assuming there's probably some still left, but we have some to give away - how many have we got to give away?<BR/>
{{Steve|Mm.}}
'''KP''' 3 pairs<BR/>
{{Ricky|I think one of them just got, you know, a couple of hours out the office. They're from the, uh - what are you from? X-Mag?}}
'''SM''' 3 pairs is it ermm...talking of Schindler, you know the people who make lifts, or, I think, escalators as well (RG yeah), have you noticed, if you look (RG yeah) at the bottom of lifts, it always says "Schindler", it's always made by some organisation called Schindler...do you think it's the same Schindler, like from Schindler's list?<BR/>
{{Other|Fella|X-Ray.}}
'''RG''' so it's Shindler's lifts<BR/>
{{Steve|X-Ray - what's X-Ray?}}
'''SM''' (laughs) Shindler's lifts<BR/>
{{Karl|It's the Xfm magazine, Steve.}}
'''RG''' and it was passed down wrong - "no, I didn't make a list - I made ''lifts''", (SM yeah, laughs) you're joking, Spielberg was going "I've made a whole film about them"<BR/>
{{Steve|The Xfm what? Magazine?}}
'''SM''' it was 3 hours, it was in black & white, for god's sake<BR/>
{{Karl|Magazine.}}
'''RG''' "where did you get the lift" - "there was no lift in it, I thought it was a ''list'' you made" - "no, I made lifts" "oh, I don't believe it"<BR/>
{{Steve|Where where - is this available in shops?}}
'''SM''' anyway, next time you're in a lift, check that out, that is true, anyway, we've got 3 pairs of ticket for The Fall who are performing tonight, at the Kentish Town Forum, if you'd like to win them, here's a question for you - which Radio 1, rival station, which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, if you know you can get in touch on (RG is it Zoe Ball, is it Zoe ball?) (phone number)<BR/>
{{Ricky|Is it - it's just a giveaway thing, to..}}
'''RG''' is it Chris Moyles? is it John Peel?<BR/>
{{Karl|It's kinda giveaway, bit of information on bands,}}
'''SM''' I don't want to give it away, but two words for you, Emma B<BR/>
{{Ricky|Right.}}
<br>Song: Radiohead - Paranoid Android
{{Karl|What gigs are coming up, other stations --}}
 
{{Steve|Right. How is it available?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, who gets it?}}
{{Karl|It's, it's in, er Top Magazines,}}
{{Steve|You're really selling it Karl, you're obviously a fan of the magazine.}}
{{Karl|It's alright!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Karl|I don’t wanna make it – th-this seems now like you've said "Let's pretend we don't know what it is, you sell it on air, make it sound really good".}}
{{Steve|I don't know what it is!}}
{{Karl|Well, I'll show you later.}}
{{Steve|Ok, cool!}}
{{Karl|And if people want a copy of it, they can go to the website and subscribe, and you get it for free.}}
{{Ricky|That's alright.}}
{{Steve|Cool.}}
{{Karl|And you’re gonna be in it.}}
{{Ricky|And we're going to be in it!}}
{{Karl|Centre pages.}}
{{Ricky|I, I didn- I don't look my best, I don't dress for radio, you know.}}
{{Steve|Mm.}}
{{Ricky|And uh, you know,}}
{{Steve|Well, it's Ok, ‘cause I'm photogenic.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Steve|So I’ll, I’ll make up for whatever you, uh, lack.}}
{{Ricky|I'll push you forward.}}
{{Steve|Rick, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we have some tickets to give away. Is your favourite band, Marc E Smith's The Fall?}}
{{Ricky|It is, yeah, go on.}}
{{Steve|I thought it was, and is your favourite venue the Kentish Town Forum?}}
{{Ricky|Ohh I'd see anything there –}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Steve|If you –}}
{{Ricky|I'd see The Fall anywhere, and I'd see anything there, so if you're telling me The Fall are there, we're not giving’m away Steve. I'd like those for m’self.}}
{{Steve|Rick, I'm just trying to remember if your favourite support act of late is "Schindler"?}}
{{Ricky|Aww ...no I hate 'em.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Ricky|I'm not going. Give them away.}}
{{Steve|Ok so the doors are at 7.30, doesn't say when it is.}}
{{Karl|It’s tonight.}}
{{Steve|Is it tonight?}}
{{Ricky|I'm only joking, Schindler, I'm only joking by the way. To Schindler, to the lads in Schindler, if they think I'm being a little bit nasty.}}
{{Steve|It’s tonight, it's at 7:30, the tickets are £11.50 in advance, I'm assuming there's probably some still left, but we have some to give away - how many have we got to give away?}}
{{Karl|Thr--three pairs.}}
{{Steve|Three pairs is it? Um, have you -- talking of Schindler, you know the, the people that make lifts, or, I think, escalators as well}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Ricky|Oh yeah.}}
{{Steve|If you notice,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Like in the bottom of a lift, it always says "Schindler". It's always made by some organisation called Schi-- do you think it's the same Schindler, like from Schindler's list?}}
{{Ricky|So it's Shindler's lifts.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs.}}
{{Steve|Shindler's lifts.}}
{{Ricky|And it was passed down wrong - "No, I didn't make a list”.}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Exactly.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Ricky|“No, I made lifts!”}}
{{Steve|Yeah, I don’t think—}}
{{Ricky|“You're joking!” Spielberg was going "I've made a whole film about them!”}}
{{Steve|It was 3 hours, it was in black and white, for God's sake.}}
{{Ricky|"Where’d you get the lift" - "There was no lifts in it! I thought it was a list you made".}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Ricky|“No, I made lifts". "Oh, I don't believe it".}}
{{Steve|Anyway, next time you're in a lift, check that out, that is true. Anyway, we've got 3 tickets for The, uh, Fall, sorry, 3 pairs of tickets for The Fall who are performing tonight, at the Kentish Town Forum, if you'd like to win them, here's a question for you - which Radio 1, rival station, which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall. If you know then you can get in touch on 087008001234.}}
{{Ricky|Is it Zoe Ball. Is it Zoe Ball?}}
{{Steve|Uh, or it’s [email protected].}}
{{Ricky|Is it Chris Moyles? Is it Chris Moyles?}}
{{Steve|I – I don’t want to give it away.}}
{{Ricky|Is it John Peel?}}
{{Steve|Don't want to give it away.}}
{{Ricky|Ok.}}
{{Steve|But two words for you –}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Steve|Emma B.}}
{{Action|Song: Radiohead - Paranoid Android}}
==Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show Ad==
==Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show Ad==
'''Sombre announcer''' Xfm would like to apologise for material broadcast on November the 8th on the breakfast show with Christian O'Connell. The show featured the comedian and author Ben Elton. Xfm would like to point out that during live interviews we cannot realistically expect to control the language and content of our guest's material. However Christian would like to offer a full and frank apology for the fact that Mr. Elton appeared to have overdosed on the arsehole tablets that morning. Christian would like you to know that the dullard will never be on again. We really are sorry.
{{Other|Sombre Announcer|Xfm would like to apologise for material broadcast on November the 8th on the breakfast show with Christian O'Connell. The show featured the comedian and author Ben Elton. Xfm would like to point out that during live interviews we cannot realistically expect to control the language and content of our guest's material. However Christian would like to offer a full and frank apology for the fact that Mr. Elton appeared to have overdosed on the arsehole tablets that morning. Christian would like you to know that the dullard will never be on again. We really are sorry.}}


==Polaroids==
==Polaroids==
'''RG''' we're just looking at the Polaroids, the tests that photographers do<BR/>
{{Ricky|It is indeed. We're just looking at the um, the Polaroids, the tests that photographers do.}}
'''SM''' I'm not at all happy<BR/>
{{Steve|I'm not at all happy.}}
'''RG''' no, do you know I kid myself, it does take mirrors and photographs, and I go "oh no, yeah, I forgot I look like that" - do you know what I mean? look at that - like a tree trunk<BR/>
{{Ricky|No, d’y’know what I mean, though, it’s like, I kid m’self, I must walk around, it-it-it does take mirrors and photographs, and I go "Oh no, yeah, I forgot I look like that".}}
'''SM''' yeah - look at me Rick, there - that's always with me<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
'''RG''' ohh - there was a bloke downstairs thought I was Johnny Vegas, he said I love those adverts with the monkey, and I didn't have the nerve to say "I'm not him". at one point he actually said, I like that one where he hits you, I went yeah, he went "are you doing anymore adverts", I said "yeah, a couple more" I just thought it's gone too far now, I can't say "I'm not Johnny Vegas"<BR/>
{{Ricky|D’y’know ‘ I mean? Sorta like you – look at that. ‘Like a tree trunk.}}
'''SM''' sorry, I'm not really listening Rick, cos I want to say to you - can you get me more square on - square on I'm not so bad, it's from the side<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah - look at me Rick, there. That's always with me.}}
'''RG''' yeah, the side looks bad<BR/>
{{Ricky|Ohhh. There was a bloke downstairs thought I was Johnny Vegas! He was goin’ I love those adverts with the monkey! I didn't have the nerve to say "I'm not him". At one point he actually said, I like that one where he hits you, and I went “Yeah”, he went "You doing anymore adverts?", and I went, "Yeah, I'm doing a couple more".}}
'''SM''' alright, calm down Rick...Karl what do you make of that - pretty face?<BR/>
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
'''RG''' this isn't great radio<BR/>
{{Ricky|I just thought it's gone too far now, I can't say "I'm not Johnny Vegas".}}
'''SM''' no it's no<BR/>
{{Steve|Sorry, I'm not really listening Rick, ‘cause I want to say to you, can you get me more square on.}}
'''RG''' I know we never do great radio, but this is really<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
'''SM''' this is some of the worst we've done<BR/>
{{Steve|‘Cause square on I'm not s’ bad, it's from the side.}}
'''RG''' we were talking before about er Shindler's lifts, those people who just make one thing, and they're famous for that, now do you think the monopoly commission should investigate Armitage Shanks?<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah, the side looks bad.}}
'''SM''' yes<BR/>
{{Steve|Alright, calm down Rick! Jeez!}}
'''RG''' because I've never seen<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah, we -}}
'''SM''' never seen another sink or toilet made by anyone else<BR/>
{{Steve|Karl what do you make of that - pretty face?}}
'''RG''' no, did the, when did they take over this? can you hear that clicking?<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah, this isn’t, this isn't great radio.}}
'''SM''' would you just stop just for a second while we're just<BR/>
{{Steve|No it's not, you’re right.}}
'''RG''' (laughter) he can't talk cos he's trying to make himself look so handsome<BR/>
{{Ricky|I - I know we never do do great radio,}}
'''SM''' well exactly, I've got.. I'm striking poses<BR/>
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
'''RG''' he's straining to sort of look normal!<BR/>
{{Steve|But yeah.}}
'''SM''' I've changed my mind, you remember that George Michael video where her doesn't appear, he just gets supermodels to play him, can we do that maybe instead? just get a leggy blond in.<BR/>
{{Ricky|But this is really,}}
'''RG''' in our place, like 5 people instead of "this is Steve" "but he looks like 5 women" yeah, that is Steve<BR/>
{{Steve|This certainly, this is some of the worst we've done.}}
'''SM''' you were talking about Shanks<BR/>
{{Ricky|We were talking um, before about uh Shindler's lifts.}}
'''RG''' yeah, Armitage<BR/>
{{Steve|Yes.}}
'''SM''' they've got it sown up<BR/>
{{Ricky|Those people who just make one thing,}}
'''RG''' they have haven't they? when did they..<BR/>
{{Steve|Mm.}}
'''SM''' I don't know who the Shanks people are, I don't think they make anything else though, I've never seen them make anything else other than lavatories, and sinks<BR/>
{{Ricky|And they're famous for that, now do you think the monopoly commissions should investigate Armitage Shanks?}}
'''RG''' so who ..."we are going to make so many urinals, there's going to be too many urinals, no one's going to have a look-in, when anyone's having a slash they're just going to be thinking Armitage Shanks"<BR/>
{{Steve|Yes.}}
'''SM''' but presumably there's someone called Armitage Shanks who's got his name all over that. whenever you meet him, you're just thinking, "I've had a waz"<BR/>
{{Ricky|Because I've never seen another -}}
'''RG''' ..on Armatige Shanks<BR/>
{{Steve|Never seen another sink or toilet made by anyone else.}}
'''SM''' we can say "waz", can't we?<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
'''RG''' yeah, or piss, or slash<BR/>
{{Ricky|No, did the, when did they take over this? Can you hear that clicking?}}
'''SM''' either of them's fine ohhh<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah. Would you just stop just for a second while we're just, just doin’ –}}
<br>Song: U2 - Walk On
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Ricky|‘Cause he can't talk ‘cause he's trying to make himself look so handsome!}}
{{Steve|Well exactly, I've got to keep strikin’ poses!}}
{{Ricky|He’s straining to sort of look, normal!}}
{{Steve|I tell ya’ – I’ve just changed my mind, I wanna, you know the, you remember that George Michael video where he doesn't appear, he just gets supermodels to play him,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah,}}
{{Steve|Or kind of replace him, can we do that, maybe instead? Just get a leggy blond in. That’d be fine.}}
{{Ricky|In, in, inn our place, like 5 people –}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|Instead of "This is Steve".}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|"But he looks like 5 women!" “Yeah, no, that is Steve”.}}
{{Steve|And, so, you were talking about Shanks.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Shanks. Armitage.}}
{{Steve|They cert- they've got it sewn up. They’ve certainly got it sewn up.}}
{{Ricky|They have, haven't they?}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|When did they, like, get big?}}
{{Steve|I don't know who the Shanks people are, I don't think they make anything else though, I've never seen them making anything else other than lavatories, and sinks. They seem to have got that --}}
{{Ricky|So, who, who went, “We are going to make, we’re gonna make so many urinals, there, there's going to be too many urinals, no one's going to have a look-in, when everyone, when anyone's out having a slash they're just going to be thinking –}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|-- Armitage Shanks"}}
{{Steve|But presumably there's someone called Armitage Shanks –}}
{{Ricky|Could be.}}
{{Steve|Who's got his name all over that. Whenever you meet him, you're just thinking, "I've had a waz".}}
{{Ricky|On Armatige Shanks.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Steve|On Armitage Shanks. Is “waz a word we can – we can say "waz", can't we?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, or piss, or slash.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Steve|Either of them's fine. Ohhh.}}
{{Action|Song: U2 - Walk On}}


==Criticizing Steve==
==Criticising Steve==
'''RG''' see I like U2 again now, I liked them in the very early days, then I hated them for about 15 years, and then the last album, this, and beautiful day, I think "really good" - they've lost all their pomposity - don't you think?<BR/>
{{Ricky|U2, Walk On; see I like U2 again now, I liked them in the very early days, then I hated them for about 15 years, and then the last album, this, and beautiful day, I think "really good" - they've lost all their pomposity - don't you think?}}
'''SM''' I saw one of them saying that he thought this was the best album they've ever made<BR/>
{{Steve|I saw one of them saying that he thought this was the best album they've ever made.}}
'''RG''' I tell you what, I'm not going to argue with him, whoever it was, Steve<BR/>
{{Ricky|I tell you what, I'm not going to argue with him, whoever it was, Steve.}}
'''SM''' could well have been "The Edge", not sure, could have been Larry Mullen<BR/>
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
'''RG''' real name, David Evans<BR/>
{{Steve|Could well have been "The Edge", not sure, could have been Larry Mullen.}}
'''SM''' really - interesting, Rick, you may recall that some time ago we gave people the chance to win tickets to see The Fall performing live at Kentish Town Forum this evening<BR/>
{{Ricky|Real name, David Evans.}}
'''RG''' supported by Schindler<BR/>
{{Steve|Really - interesting,err Rick, you may recall that some time ago we gave people the opportunity to win tickets to see The Fall performing live at the Kentish Town Forum this evening.}}
'''SM''' Schindler, I know you're a big fan of them, and we have some winners..<BR/>
{{Ricky|Supported by Schindler.}}
'''RG''' "I could have made more lifts"<BR/>
{{Steve|Schindler, I know you're a big fan of them, and we have some winners..}}
'''SM''' the question I set was which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, we did have some wrong answers, wrong answers included, Gary Davis<BR/>
{{Ricky|"I could have made more lifts."}}
'''RG''' oh imagine him in The Fall! oh that is brilliant<BR/>
{{Steve|The question I set was which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, we did have some wrong answers, wrong answers included, Gary Davis.}}
'''SM''' er Noel Edmonds<BR/>
{{Ricky|Oh imagine him in The Fall! oh that is brilliant.}}
'''RG''' (laughs)<BR/>
{{Steve|Er Noel Edmonds.}}
'''SM''' and of course Ed "stewpot" Stewart<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
'''RG''' oh, what's happened to Noel Edmonds? what's happened to lovely Noelly?<BR/>
{{Steve|And of course Ed "stewpot" Stewart.}}
'''SM''' Noel is just utterly doomed now isn't he - no one will employ him now it seems<BR/>
{{Ricky|Oh, what's happened to Noel Edmonds? what's happened to lovely Noelly?}}
'''RG''' well, we don't know that, that's probably libellous<BR/>
{{Steve|Noel is just utterly doomed isn't he - no one will employ him now it seems.}}
'''SM''' how is that libellous?!<BR/>
{{Ricky|Well, we don't know that, that's probably libelous.}}
'''RG''' he might be turning down stuff, and therefore might sort of be waiting for a big comeback with Noel's house party 2002 for all you know<BR/>
{{Steve|How is that libelous?!}}
'''SM''' oh no, you're right it is libellous, thanks for pointing that out Rick, in case there were any lawyers thinking "that's not libellous - no actually, good point". err so the winners are Mina, who's from Finland (laughs) apparently, according to these notes here<BR/>
{{Ricky|Well, he might, he might be turning down stuff, and therefore might be sort of be waiting for a big comeback with Noel's house party 2002 for all you know.}}
'''RG''' hold on why's that funny?<BR/>
{{Steve|Oh no, you're right it is libelous, thanks for pointing that out Rick, in case there were any lawyers thinking "that's not libelous - no actually, good point".}}
'''SM''' how would she have called in from Finland?<BR/>
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
'''RG''' well no, when someone says where are you from, she might have been here for like a year, and well "Finland"<BR/>
{{Steve|Err so the winners are Mina, who's from Finland apparently, according to these notes here, err Mina has won.}}
'''SM''' well, I've embarrassed myself at that Rick, thanks for tearing me apart, that was fascinating radio. Err.. Vinny's also won, he's from Surrey<BR/>
{{Ricky|Hold on why's that funny?}}
'''RG''' ohh - imagine coming from Surrey!<BR/>
{{Steve|Well, how would she have called in from Finland?}}
'''SM''' and Tom Prince from Camden, what a great name, Tom Prince, they're all the lucky winners<BR/>
{{Ricky|Well no, when someone says where are you from, she might have been here for like a year, and well "Finland".}}
'''RG''' I think we've lost it, no it was really good, the first few weeks, yeah, and even the first hour, but this last 20 minutes, I feel that I've bored myself (SM yeah) what's happened?<BR/>
{{Steve|Well, I've embarrassed myself sorry about that Rick, thanks for tearing me apart, that was fascinating radio. Err.. Vinny's also won, he's from Surrey.}}
'''SM''' I think it's 'cos you keep picking me up on every single thing I say - it can't help, surely? and then if it's not you it's Karl having a go<BR/>
{{Ricky|Ohh - imagine coming from Surrey!}}
'''RG''' yeah but he's more going for your looks, I'm more working on your personality<BR/>
{{Steve|And Tom Prince from Camden, what a great name, Tom Prince, they're all the lucky winners.}}
'''SM''' right, sure<BR/>
{{Ricky|I think we've lost it, no it was really good, the first few weeks, yeah, and even the first hour, but this last 20 minutes, I feel that I've bored myself.}}
'''RG''' but together..<BR/>
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
'''SM''' so it's my fault now that the shows going downhill<BR/>
{{Ricky|What's happened?}}
'''RG''' no but its like you know - we're like your mentors, you've got to be harsh - you're like Eliza Dolittle, and we've got lots of little stylists in , like they do with makeovers, or that Faking It. they get in like me and Karl, Karl's working on your looks, I'm doing your personality, we're going to get stylists in, and coaches, and then you have to do a date, and the woman has to, and there's 3 other blokes, and she has to work out what the freak amongst them is, and you've got to go no one voted for you as the freak<BR/>
{{Steve|I think it's 'cos you keep picking me up on every single thing I say - it can't help, surely? and then if it's not you it's Karl having a go.}}
'''SM''' yeah, Rick, I've known you for 3 years, I don't think you're cut out for that job.<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah but he's more going for your looks, I'm more working on your personality.}}
<br>Song: Groove Armada – Super Stylin'
{{Steve|Right, sure.}}
{{Ricky|But together..}}
{{Steve|So it's my fault now that the shows going downhill.}}
{{Ricky|No but its like you know - we're sorta like your mentors, i'll be harsh - you're like Eliza Dolittle, and we've got lots of little stylists in , like they do with makeovers, or that Faking It. they get in like me and Karl, Karl's working on your looks, I'm doing your personality, we're going to get like stylists in, and you know, coaches, and then you have to do a date, and the woman has to, and there's 3 other blokes, and she has to work out what the freak amongst them is, and you've got to go no one voted for you as the freak.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, Rick, I've known you for 3 years, I don't think you're cut out for that job.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Action|Song: Groove Armada – Super Stylin'}}


==I Love The First Hour==
==I Love The First Hour==
'''RG''' Groove Armada - Super Stylin, Xfm 104.9, it's nearly the end of the show Steve, I'm going to try harder next week, I mean, it started off well, and then, I didn't get bored, I just couldn't concentrate<BR/>
{{Ricky|Groove Armada - Super Stylin, Xfm 104.9, it's nearly the end of the show Steve, I'm going to try harder next week, I mean, it started off well, and then, I didn't get bored, I just couldn't concentrate.}}
'''SM''' I know what you mean, I mean, I thought I tried hard early on with the anecdotes, that embarrassed me, and which Karl just used as venom<BR/>
{{Steve|I know what you mean, I mean, I thought I tried hard early on with the anecdotes, that embarrassed me, and which Karl just used as venom.}}
'''RG''' I had the funny bullshit t-shirt, and the you know<BR/>
{{Ricky|I had the funny bullshit t-shirt, and the you know.}}
'''SM''' I had the woman walking around in my clumpy shoes<BR/>
{{Steve|Sure, and I had the woman walking around in my clumpy shoes.}}
'''RG''' I had washing with me<BR/>
{{Ricky|I had washing with me, shirts.}}
'''SM''' oh they were classic anecdotes, Rick<BR/>
{{Steve|Oh they were classic anecdotes, Rick.}}
'''RG''' I loved the 1st hour<BR/>
{{Ricky|I loved the 1st hour.}}
'''SM''' I loved the 1st hour, there should definitely be a show on Saturday evenings, on Xfm, with Kate Thornton<BR/>
{{Steve|I loved the 1st hour, there should definitely be a show on Saturday evenings, on Xfm, with Kate Thornton.}}
'''RG''' er Richard Blackwood<BR/>
{{Ricky|Er Richard Blackwood.}}
'''SM''' Blackwood would be good<BR/>
{{Steve|Blackwood would be good.}}
'''RG''' Moyles in, going "oh the 1st hour, they used to.." it would be great<BR/>
{{Ricky|Moyles in, going "oh the 1st hour, they used to.." that would be great wouldn't it?}}
'''SM''' that would be lovely<BR/>
{{Steve|Remembering the first hour, that would be lovely.}}
'''RG''' oh amazing, and there's people taking our photographs, which I'm not happy with, to be honest, I'm going to have someone fired - I'm only joking- stop, I was only joking - oh I've offended someone, which I don't like to do, and then lifts<BR/>
{{Ricky|Oh amazing, and there's people taking our photographs, which I'm not happy with, to be honest, I'm going to have someone fired - I'm only joking- he's stopped!, I was only joking - oh I've offended someone, which I don't like to do, and then all the stuff about, lifts.}}
'''SM''' I'm worried because I didn't know that the photos were going to be taken, that we won't seem quite as hip and with the kids as we thought we would, on account of wearing these tuxedos.<BR/>
{{Steve|I'm worried because I didn't know that the photos were going to be taken, that we won't seem quite as hip and down with the kids as we thought we would, on account of wearing these tuxedos.}}
'''RG''' I'm telling you now that is ironic, we are down by law, this next track is Ice Cube, It Was a Good Day, it's my selection for the hip-hop track, as you know we want to spread the word of..<BR/>
{{Ricky|I'm telling you now that is ironic, we are down by law, this next track is Ice Cube, It Was a Good Day, it's err my selection for the hip-hop track, as you know we want to spread the word of..erm.}}
'''SM''' a lot of people don't seem to realise that hip-hop is music as well, and it's out there and it should be enjoyed by kids, and at the moment it's quite an eclectic thing, you know, it's very underground (RG yeah, yeah) trying to bring it into the mainstream<BR/>
{{Steve|A lot of people don't seem to realise that hip-hop is music as well, and it's out there and it should be enjoyed by kids, and it's, at the moment it's quite an eclectic thing, you know, it's very underground-}}
'''RG''' yeah, and in this, you know, Cube says it was a good day, simple thing that he didn't use his AK, that's the sort of world he lives in, that's what he's trying to get across<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah yeah}}
'''SM''' and it talks to you about your life<BR/>
{{Steve|-trying to bring it into the mainstream}}
'''RG''' sure<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah, err and in this, you know, Cube says it was a good day you know, simple thing that he didn't use his AK, that's the sort of world he lives in, that's what he's trying to get across.}}
'''SM''' yeah respect man<BR/>
{{Steve|And it talks to you about your life.}}
<br>Song: Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day
{{Ricky|Sure.}}
 
{{Steve|Yeah respect man.}}
{{Action|Song: Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day}}
==Saturday Night Steve==
==Saturday Night Steve==
'''RG''' well, there you go, Ice Cube, it..<BR/>
{{Ricky|Well, there you go, Ice Cube, It was a Good Day.}}
'''SM''' great song<BR/>
{{Steve|Great song.}}
'''RG''' yeah, yeah, well you've got a great song coming up as well<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah, well you've got a great song coming up as well.}}
'''SM''' I have indeed, it's the Song for the Ladies, Rick, we'll leave people with that, have you seen the film Magnolia?<BR/>
{{Steve|I have indeed, it's the Song for the Ladies, Rick, we'll leave people with that, have you seen the film Magnolia?}}
'''RG''' I have<BR/>
{{Ricky|I have.}}
'''SM''' it's one of the most underrated movies, it didn't get a single Oscar nomination. It's absolutely fantastic, breathtaking cinema (RG yeah it's fantastic), made by the guy that made Boogie Nights, absolutely fantastic, Tom Cruise is in it, loads of people, and the soundtrack is entirely written by Aimee Mann. now I don't know if she's normally the sort of person they play on Xfm, but she's a singer-songwriter of great skill, I think, and this is a song that features in one of the most breathtaking moments in the film <BR/>
{{Steve|It's one of the most underrated movies, it didn't get a single Oscar nomination. It's absolutely fantastic, breathtaking cinema.}}
'''RG''' it's ''amazing'' - it all brings it together - it won't come across obviously here, but nevertheless it's a great song<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah it's fantastic.}}
'''SM''' it is a good song, it's called "Wise Up", we'll be playing that in a second, but otherwise Rick, that's it isn't it?<BR/>
{{Steve|Made by the guy that made Boogie Nights, absolutely fantastic, Tom Cruise is in it, loads of people, and the soundtrack is entirely written by Aimee Mann. now I don't know if she's normally the sort of person they play on Xfm, but she's a singer-songwriter of great skill, I think, and this is a song that features in one of the most breathtaking moments in the film.}}
'''RG''' that is it, what will you be doing tonight Steve?<BR/>
{{Ricky|It's ''amazing'' - it all brings it together - it won't come across obviously here, but nevertheless it's a great song.}}
'''SM''' what will I be doing tonight, Rick, err, probably gonna be (laughing) ... staying in <BR/>
{{Steve|It is a good song, it's called "Wise Up", we'll be playing that in a second, but otherwise Rick, that's it isn't it?}}
'''RG''' yeah, yeah - and doing what though?<BR/>
{{Ricky|That is it, what will you be doing tonight Steve?}}
'''SM''' ooh err... watching some telly.. oh oh yeah<BR/>
{{Steve|What will I be doing tonight, Rick, err, probably gonna be... staying in }}
'''RG''' ooh that's not all if I know you - did I see a couple of cans of weak lager in your carrier bag<BR/>
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
'''SM''' I did sneak 'em in yeah<BR/>
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah - and doing what though?}}
'''RG''' you're not going to drink them both tonight though are you?<BR/>
{{Steve|Ooh err... watching some telly.. oh oh yeah.}}
'''SM''' what are you? my mother?<BR/>
{{Ricky|Ooh that's not all if I know you - did I see a couple of cans of weak lager in your carrier bag.}}
'''RG''' ok chill out, do what you want. Will you be...sleeping alone again?<BR/>
{{Steve|I did sneak 'em in yeah.}}
'''SM''' if I play my cards right.<BR/>
{{Ricky|You're not going to drink them both tonight though are you?}}
'''RG''' will you be having a little tug, just to get yourself off to sleep?<BR/>
{{Steve|What are you? my mother?}}
'''SM''' I'll probably have a couple a couple a tugs, if there's something saucy on channel 5 I will<BR/>
{{Ricky|Ok chill out, do what you want. Will you be...sleeping alone again?}}
'''RG''' Xfm 104.9<BR/>
{{Steve|If I play my cards right.}}
'''SM''' here's Wise Up, Aimee Mann, enjoy<BR/>
{{Ricky|Will you be having a little tug, just to get yourself off to sleep?}}
{{Steve|I'll probably have a couple a couple a tugs, if there's something saucy on channel 5 I will.}}
{{Ricky|Xfm 104.9.}}
{{Steve|Here's Wise Up, Aimee Mann, enjoy.}}
{{Action|Song: Aimee Mann – Wise Up}}


Song: Aimee Mann – Wise Up
[[Category:Transcripts|1.01]]

Latest revision as of 23:56, 24 November 2010

This is a transcription of the 10 November 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show

Fly and Dope

Ricky: Xfm 104.9. Steve just back announce that for us.

Steve: Yeah, from the album Princess Superstar is- that was Princess Superstar an Untouchable Part I. Did you enjoy it?

Ricky: I really enjoyed it.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: So I’ll tell ya why, it had two ingredients I look for in a record. It was both fly and dope.

Steve laughs

Steve: High five, man.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: You’re sweet, you’re sweet man.

Ricky: Coming up, I’ve got my, um, film review.

Steve: Looking forward to it.

Ricky: It’s a great one. It’s a great film.

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: We’ve got Song for the Lovers err, any minute now.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Uh and-

Steve: Probably loads more chat.

Ricky: Yea. Yeaayeeaaaow. There will be. There will be.

PJ Harvey - This is Love


Ricky's Film Review

Ricky: PJ Harvey. This is Love. Xfm 104.9. It’s the Ricky Gervais Show innit?

Steve: With Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Yep. But you’re gonna keep quiet now, Steve. Because I’ve gotta do my- my world famous film review.

Steve: Looking forward to it.

Ricky: Yeah. I know you criticise it 'cause you-

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: -say I do sort of like, films that aren’t on y'know, current release, or I sort of just do the plot.

Steve: Mmm mmm.

Ricky: But, you know.

Steve: Have you taken that criticism onboard?

Ricky: I have.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: This week’s “Ricky Gervais Film Review”-

Ricky and Steve make jingle sound effects

Ricky: -is Jungle Book.

Steve: The Jungle Book?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was made in what, 1968?

Ricky: I don’t know but listen, shut up right. This is a good review right. For people who either have heard it or haven’t, y'know you might learn something.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Cuz it’s sorta my take on it.

Steve: Has the review begun yet or?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No. No. I’m gonna start from now yeah?

Steve: Go.

Ricky: Right, the little kid. He’s in the jungle, right? But he knows the bear and the panther. They’re good friends but, it’s dangerous becaaause you gotta watch out, the tiger and the snake. Now the reason is they don’t mind him, but he’s human and he can make fire, they can’t. That’s why he’s sorta in demand even though they've conquered the power of speech they can’t make fire. But, and then, the orang-outang gets him. Now, he’s in trouble. But the bear puts coconuts on and makes himself look like it, then they fall off. They gotta get away, but then he meets, like, a girl and it’s… and then they're not, you know.

Steve: Haha. OK. Do you write these yourself?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: You don’t get a professional to do it?

Ricky: Nope.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: No no.

Steve: Okay okay. And what would you give that one out of five?

Ricky: It’s nine.

Steve: That’s a nine out of five. Strong review there. Strong film then for you.

Ricky: Well yeah.

Steve: And you recommend that for friends and family?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: OK.

Ricky: Just on video or DVD or in the cinema.

Steve: OK. Good. And the film again was?

Ricky: Jungle Book.

Steve: Jungle Book. Jolly good. Alright. Thanks very much for that.

Ricky: Well now it’s time for Song for the Lovers, this is The Smiths and Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me.

Steve: Good, okay, cool, yeayeayea, lovely.

Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me begins to play

Ricky: I forgot-

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: -about the elephants.

Steve: Oh well that’s gonna ruin it for everyone, they won’t understand what you are talking about.

Ricky: Yeah.

Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me


Lonely Steve

Ricky: Smiths. Lovely song, Last Night I Dreamed Somebody Loved Me.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: Song for the Lovers there. On Xfm 104.9. Can’t believe I forgot the elephants. That is- that was key-

Steve: -element of the review, really.Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Don’t let it get you down, Rick. I know how these things depress you before-

Ricky: I know.

Steve: -when you’ve not done the film review the best you could. It kinda winds you up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You stew about it. Um, played a beautiful song there. Uh, Song for the Lovers.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uh, you know I do get depressed when I see people around who’ve got girlfriends and I think- You know, cuz I haven’t and I don’t know what’s the rule. We mentioned last week that fat bloke from Pop Idol. He’s got a bird, which annoys me, angers me. And um, this really depressed me; walking into Piccadilly Circus tube a couple nights ago. Homeless guy, wrapped up, unwashed. And uh, Northern.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And uh, he’s being spoken to by some kind of carer, you know some kind of worker who’s come to dish out stale sandwiches. And I just overheard as I was passing, him going “Well it’s very difficult to maintain a long distance relationship.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I sort- I lingered for a bit. I was thinking “What?!” And he was going “Yeah-“. Basically I pieced together that he’s got a girlfriend- He’s from Leeds- He’s got a girlfriend who’s also homeless, who’s homeless up in Leeds. And occasionally she kind of homelesses her way down to London.

Ricky: I love the fact he’s traveled to be homeless.

Steve: I know! Pathetic. Oh, I angered that they’re could be-

Ricky: Is there a lot of cheap housing in Leeds? Would that ruin it for him?

Steve: But it just- I assume she was squatting or something.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But it was like- It just depressed me because it was like, not only is he sort of like homeless, but he’s got a homeless girlfriend. Homeless people are finding love.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean it’s so- I’m mean that’s really depressing, Karl isn’t it? Unless they became smackheads together.

Ricky: Karl. No. Karl’s found love on the street before, haven’t ya?

Steve: How’s it going with your bird Karl? Are you married? How long you’ve been out with her?

Karl: Seven years.

Steve: Cuz I mean, you’re quite a simple man.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re sort of a simpleton-

Ricky: And in a nice way. You’re like Helen from Big Brother. You’re sort of nice enough but-

Karl: But I look normal.

Ricky: Well, yeah, you sort of do. But you could be one of those that suddenly goes mental with a pen.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Just stab people through the eyes.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, you sort of look normal. But if I- I wouldn’t really want to wind you up to a point of frenzy.

Steve: Do you- How did you met your girlfriend?

Karl: Through work.

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: What through her work?

Ricky laughs

Karl laughs

Steve: What you phoned up and said-

Karl: We worked at the same place.

Steve: Oh right right right.

Ricky: You’re quite an enigma aren’t you? Could you give us more on that?

Steve: At work? You met her at work? What, she came in sellin’ sandwiches? She was going through the bins outside. What do you mean you met her at work?

Karl: Why are you having an attack on me? You’re the one who’s sad and lonely.

Steve: I’m not-

Ricky: Oh he’s done you again! He’s done you again!

Steve: Yeah but what was interesting was I just scratched and he just went mental.

Ricky: Yeah I know.

Steve: He was like a bear caught in a trap.

Ricky: It’s funny innit? You’ll never learn.

Steve: No, I was just interested to find out what the story was. It might be a really romantic story.

Karl: Well, it’s not.

Steve: Alright. Jeez. I like the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about his love affair.

Karl: I was- I was thinking about you in the week. And like… Does it worry you- I mean you sort of joke about it now when we talk about it in the office. You know like “Is Steve really touchy about the way he looks?”

Steve: Oh ho ho ho. What’s this? Where’s that come from?

Ricky: He’s done it again. He’s done you again.

Karl: Walking home the other night and I was thinking about it. And do you worry that when you’re old you will be on your own?

Steve: Oh ho.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ooo hoo! You did start it though, didn’t ya?

Steve: Well. Karl I’m glad you’ve brought this up.

Ricky laughs

Steve: No because I- for me, ya know- a lightweight frothy entertainment show on Xfm on a Saturday afternoon is exactly the place where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that’s inevitably coming my way.

Ricky: Oh god, I tell you what would cheer you up, to forget about it all. A bit of Embrace

Steve: Oh oh, one of the most hated bands.

Song: Embrace – Make it Last

Song: Hives – Main Offender

Schindler’s Lifts

Ricky: Hives, Main Offender, before that Embrace, Make it Last -- I know you don't like Embrace much, but that's a nice tune.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They do cut a nice little chorus –

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: - and I think their heart's in the right place.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Yeah. Very nice. What, what - could you do better? I was mucking around...

Steve: That's always fair.

Ricky: No no, I was thinking, there's not enough avant-garde stuff, and I just did this, right.

Ricky plays with mic

Ricky: There's a little spring on the mic - what does that sound like? Does it sound good? I haven't got my headphones on. Does it sound good?

Steve: It sounds brilliant.

Ricky: I was thinking of just doing that, and sending it to John Peel. Maybe with some samples of like politicians going "We will not t..aaar aar aaa"

Steve: I, I feel it's more a b-side,

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: -- at the moment, but I mean it's strong, yeah, you could work that up,

Ricky: But that's without strings or anything, without -

Steve: Sure, that’s without, y’know, that’s just kind of a basic demo.

Ricky laughs

Steve: When you worked that up with a decent producer

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve and Ricky: Ooh-hoo!

Steve: Man a-live.

Ricky: Still coming, we've got Radiohead, we've got Ice Cu--

Steve: What are these fellas doing?

Ricky: Erm there's a couple of..

Steve: It’s quite noisy; it’s just distracting.

Ricky: Yeah, there's a couple of fellas behind us, um, taking pictures. Don't know why it takes two of them.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I think one of them just got, you know, a couple of hours out the office. They're from the, uh - what are you from? X-Mag?

Fella: X-Ray.

Steve: X-Ray - what's X-Ray?

Karl: It's the Xfm magazine, Steve.

Steve: The Xfm what? Magazine?

Karl: Magazine.

Steve: Where where - is this available in shops?

Ricky: Is it - it's just a giveaway thing, to..

Karl: It's kinda giveaway, bit of information on bands,

Ricky: Right.

Karl: What gigs are coming up, other stations --

Steve: Right. How is it available?

Ricky: Yeah, who gets it?

Karl: It's, it's in, er Top Magazines,

Steve: You're really selling it Karl, you're obviously a fan of the magazine.

Karl: It's alright!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I don’t wanna make it – th-this seems now like you've said "Let's pretend we don't know what it is, you sell it on air, make it sound really good".

Steve: I don't know what it is!

Karl: Well, I'll show you later.

Steve: Ok, cool!

Karl: And if people want a copy of it, they can go to the website and subscribe, and you get it for free.

Ricky: That's alright.

Steve: Cool.

Karl: And you’re gonna be in it.

Ricky: And we're going to be in it!

Karl: Centre pages.

Ricky: I, I didn- I don't look my best, I don't dress for radio, you know.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And uh, you know,

Steve: Well, it's Ok, ‘cause I'm photogenic.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So I’ll, I’ll make up for whatever you, uh, lack.

Ricky: I'll push you forward.

Steve: Rick, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we have some tickets to give away. Is your favourite band, Marc E Smith's The Fall?

Ricky: It is, yeah, go on.

Steve: I thought it was, and is your favourite venue the Kentish Town Forum?

Ricky: Ohh I'd see anything there –

Steve laughs

Steve: If you –

Ricky: I'd see The Fall anywhere, and I'd see anything there, so if you're telling me The Fall are there, we're not giving’m away Steve. I'd like those for m’self.

Steve: Rick, I'm just trying to remember if your favourite support act of late is "Schindler"?

Ricky: Aww ...no I hate 'em.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I'm not going. Give them away.

Steve: Ok so the doors are at 7.30, doesn't say when it is.

Karl: It’s tonight.

Steve: Is it tonight?

Ricky: I'm only joking, Schindler, I'm only joking by the way. To Schindler, to the lads in Schindler, if they think I'm being a little bit nasty.

Steve: It’s tonight, it's at 7:30, the tickets are £11.50 in advance, I'm assuming there's probably some still left, but we have some to give away - how many have we got to give away?

Karl: Thr--three pairs.

Steve: Three pairs is it? Um, have you -- talking of Schindler, you know the, the people that make lifts, or, I think, escalators as well

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: If you notice,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Like in the bottom of a lift, it always says "Schindler". It's always made by some organisation called Schi-- do you think it's the same Schindler, like from Schindler's list?

Ricky: So it's Shindler's lifts.

Steve laughs.

Steve: Shindler's lifts.

Ricky: And it was passed down wrong - "No, I didn't make a list”.

Steve: Yeah. Exactly.

Steve laughs

Ricky: “No, I made lifts!”

Steve: Yeah, I don’t think—

Ricky: “You're joking!” Spielberg was going "I've made a whole film about them!”

Steve: It was 3 hours, it was in black and white, for God's sake.

Ricky: "Where’d you get the lift" - "There was no lifts in it! I thought it was a list you made".

Steve laughs

Ricky: “No, I made lifts". "Oh, I don't believe it".

Steve: Anyway, next time you're in a lift, check that out, that is true. Anyway, we've got 3 tickets for The, uh, Fall, sorry, 3 pairs of tickets for The Fall who are performing tonight, at the Kentish Town Forum, if you'd like to win them, here's a question for you - which Radio 1, rival station, which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall. If you know then you can get in touch on 087008001234.

Ricky: Is it Zoe Ball. Is it Zoe Ball?

Steve: Uh, or it’s [email protected].

Ricky: Is it Chris Moyles? Is it Chris Moyles?

Steve: I – I don’t want to give it away.

Ricky: Is it John Peel?

Steve: Don't want to give it away.

Ricky: Ok.

Steve: But two words for you –

Ricky laughs

Steve: Emma B.

Song: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show Ad

Sombre Announcer: Xfm would like to apologise for material broadcast on November the 8th on the breakfast show with Christian O'Connell. The show featured the comedian and author Ben Elton. Xfm would like to point out that during live interviews we cannot realistically expect to control the language and content of our guest's material. However Christian would like to offer a full and frank apology for the fact that Mr. Elton appeared to have overdosed on the arsehole tablets that morning. Christian would like you to know that the dullard will never be on again. We really are sorry.


Polaroids

Ricky: It is indeed. We're just looking at the um, the Polaroids, the tests that photographers do.

Steve: I'm not at all happy.

Ricky: No, d’y’know what I mean, though, it’s like, I kid m’self, I must walk around, it-it-it does take mirrors and photographs, and I go "Oh no, yeah, I forgot I look like that".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D’y’know ‘ I mean? Sorta like you – look at that. ‘Like a tree trunk.

Steve: Yeah - look at me Rick, there. That's always with me.

Ricky: Ohhh. There was a bloke downstairs thought I was Johnny Vegas! He was goin’ I love those adverts with the monkey! I didn't have the nerve to say "I'm not him". At one point he actually said, “ I like that one where he hits you, and I went “Yeah”, he went "You doing anymore adverts?", and I went, "Yeah, I'm doing a couple more".

Steve laughs

Ricky: I just thought it's gone too far now, I can't say "I'm not Johnny Vegas".

Steve: Sorry, I'm not really listening Rick, ‘cause I want to say to you, can you get me more square on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ‘Cause square on I'm not s’ bad, it's from the side.

Ricky: Yeah, the side looks bad.

Steve: Alright, calm down Rick! Jeez!

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, we -

Steve: Karl what do you make of that - pretty face?

Ricky: Yeah, this isn’t, this isn't great radio.

Steve: No it's not, you’re right.

Ricky: I - I know we never do do great radio,

Steve laughs

Steve: But yeah.

Ricky: But this is really,

Steve: This certainly, this is some of the worst we've done.

Ricky: We were talking um, before about uh Shindler's lifts.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Those people who just make one thing,

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And they're famous for that, now do you think the monopoly commissions should investigate Armitage Shanks?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Because I've never seen another -

Steve: Never seen another sink or toilet made by anyone else.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No, did the, when did they take over this? Can you hear that clicking?

Steve: Yeah. Would you just stop just for a second while we're just, just doin’ –

Ricky laughs

Ricky: ‘Cause he can't talk ‘cause he's trying to make himself look so handsome!

Steve: Well exactly, I've got to keep strikin’ poses!

Ricky: He’s straining to sort of look, normal!

Steve: I tell ya’ – I’ve just changed my mind, I wanna, you know the, you remember that George Michael video where he doesn't appear, he just gets supermodels to play him,

Ricky: Yeah,

Steve: Or kind of replace him, can we do that, maybe instead? Just get a leggy blond in. That’d be fine.

Ricky: In, in, inn our place, like 5 people –

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Instead of "This is Steve".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: "But he looks like 5 women!" “Yeah, no, that is Steve”.

Steve: And, so, you were talking about Shanks.

Ricky: Yeah. Shanks. Armitage.

Steve: They cert- they've got it sewn up. They’ve certainly got it sewn up.

Ricky: They have, haven't they?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: When did they, like, get big?

Steve: I don't know who the Shanks people are, I don't think they make anything else though, I've never seen them making anything else other than lavatories, and sinks. They seem to have got that --

Ricky: So, who, who went, “We are going to make, we’re gonna make so many urinals, there, there's going to be too many urinals, no one's going to have a look-in, when everyone, when anyone's out having a slash they're just going to be thinking –

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -- Armitage Shanks"

Steve: But presumably there's someone called Armitage Shanks –

Ricky: Could be.

Steve: Who's got his name all over that. Whenever you meet him, you're just thinking, "I've had a waz".

Ricky: On Armatige Shanks.

Steve laughs

Steve: On Armitage Shanks. Is “waz a word we can – we can say "waz", can't we?

Ricky: Yeah, or piss, or slash.

Steve laughs

Steve: Either of them's fine. Ohhh.

Song: U2 - Walk On


Criticising Steve

Ricky: U2, Walk On; see I like U2 again now, I liked them in the very early days, then I hated them for about 15 years, and then the last album, this, and beautiful day, I think "really good" - they've lost all their pomposity - don't you think?

Steve: I saw one of them saying that he thought this was the best album they've ever made.

Ricky: I tell you what, I'm not going to argue with him, whoever it was, Steve.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Could well have been "The Edge", not sure, could have been Larry Mullen.

Ricky: Real name, David Evans.

Steve: Really - interesting,err Rick, you may recall that some time ago we gave people the opportunity to win tickets to see The Fall performing live at the Kentish Town Forum this evening.

Ricky: Supported by Schindler.

Steve: Schindler, I know you're a big fan of them, and we have some winners..

Ricky: "I could have made more lifts."

Steve: The question I set was which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, we did have some wrong answers, wrong answers included, Gary Davis.

Ricky: Oh imagine him in The Fall! oh that is brilliant.

Steve: Er Noel Edmonds.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: And of course Ed "stewpot" Stewart.

Ricky: Oh, what's happened to Noel Edmonds? what's happened to lovely Noelly?

Steve: Noel is just utterly doomed isn't he - no one will employ him now it seems.

Ricky: Well, we don't know that, that's probably libelous.

Steve: How is that libelous?!

Ricky: Well, he might, he might be turning down stuff, and therefore might be sort of be waiting for a big comeback with Noel's house party 2002 for all you know.

Steve: Oh no, you're right it is libelous, thanks for pointing that out Rick, in case there were any lawyers thinking "that's not libelous - no actually, good point".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Err so the winners are Mina, who's from Finland apparently, according to these notes here, err Mina has won.

Ricky: Hold on why's that funny?

Steve: Well, how would she have called in from Finland?

Ricky: Well no, when someone says where are you from, she might have been here for like a year, and well "Finland".

Steve: Well, I've embarrassed myself sorry about that Rick, thanks for tearing me apart, that was fascinating radio. Err.. Vinny's also won, he's from Surrey.

Ricky: Ohh - imagine coming from Surrey!

Steve: And Tom Prince from Camden, what a great name, Tom Prince, they're all the lucky winners.

Ricky: I think we've lost it, no it was really good, the first few weeks, yeah, and even the first hour, but this last 20 minutes, I feel that I've bored myself.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What's happened?

Steve: I think it's 'cos you keep picking me up on every single thing I say - it can't help, surely? and then if it's not you it's Karl having a go.

Ricky: Yeah but he's more going for your looks, I'm more working on your personality.

Steve: Right, sure.

Ricky: But together..

Steve: So it's my fault now that the shows going downhill.

Ricky: No but its like you know - we're sorta like your mentors, i'll be harsh - you're like Eliza Dolittle, and we've got lots of little stylists in , like they do with makeovers, or that Faking It. they get in like me and Karl, Karl's working on your looks, I'm doing your personality, we're going to get like stylists in, and you know, coaches, and then you have to do a date, and the woman has to, and there's 3 other blokes, and she has to work out what the freak amongst them is, and you've got to go no one voted for you as the freak.

Steve: Yeah, Rick, I've known you for 3 years, I don't think you're cut out for that job.

Ricky Laughs

Song: Groove Armada – Super Stylin'


I Love The First Hour

Ricky: Groove Armada - Super Stylin, Xfm 104.9, it's nearly the end of the show Steve, I'm going to try harder next week, I mean, it started off well, and then, I didn't get bored, I just couldn't concentrate.

Steve: I know what you mean, I mean, I thought I tried hard early on with the anecdotes, that embarrassed me, and which Karl just used as venom.

Ricky: I had the funny bullshit t-shirt, and the you know.

Steve: Sure, and I had the woman walking around in my clumpy shoes.

Ricky: I had washing with me, shirts.

Steve: Oh they were classic anecdotes, Rick.

Ricky: I loved the 1st hour.

Steve: I loved the 1st hour, there should definitely be a show on Saturday evenings, on Xfm, with Kate Thornton.

Ricky: Er Richard Blackwood.

Steve: Blackwood would be good.

Ricky: Moyles in, going "oh the 1st hour, they used to.." that would be great wouldn't it?

Steve: Remembering the first hour, that would be lovely.

Ricky: Oh amazing, and there's people taking our photographs, which I'm not happy with, to be honest, I'm going to have someone fired - I'm only joking- he's stopped!, I was only joking - oh I've offended someone, which I don't like to do, and then all the stuff about, lifts.

Steve: I'm worried because I didn't know that the photos were going to be taken, that we won't seem quite as hip and down with the kids as we thought we would, on account of wearing these tuxedos.

Ricky: I'm telling you now that is ironic, we are down by law, this next track is Ice Cube, It Was a Good Day, it's err my selection for the hip-hop track, as you know we want to spread the word of..erm.

Steve: A lot of people don't seem to realise that hip-hop is music as well, and it's out there and it should be enjoyed by kids, and it's, at the moment it's quite an eclectic thing, you know, it's very underground-

Ricky: Yeah yeah

Steve: -trying to bring it into the mainstream

Ricky: Yeah, err and in this, you know, Cube says it was a good day you know, simple thing that he didn't use his AK, that's the sort of world he lives in, that's what he's trying to get across.

Steve: And it talks to you about your life.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Yeah respect man.

Song: Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day

Saturday Night Steve

Ricky: Well, there you go, Ice Cube, It was a Good Day.

Steve: Great song.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, well you've got a great song coming up as well.

Steve: I have indeed, it's the Song for the Ladies, Rick, we'll leave people with that, have you seen the film Magnolia?

Ricky: I have.

Steve: It's one of the most underrated movies, it didn't get a single Oscar nomination. It's absolutely fantastic, breathtaking cinema.

Ricky: Yeah it's fantastic.

Steve: Made by the guy that made Boogie Nights, absolutely fantastic, Tom Cruise is in it, loads of people, and the soundtrack is entirely written by Aimee Mann. now I don't know if she's normally the sort of person they play on Xfm, but she's a singer-songwriter of great skill, I think, and this is a song that features in one of the most breathtaking moments in the film.

Ricky: It's amazing - it all brings it together - it won't come across obviously here, but nevertheless it's a great song.

Steve: It is a good song, it's called "Wise Up", we'll be playing that in a second, but otherwise Rick, that's it isn't it?

Ricky: That is it, what will you be doing tonight Steve?

Steve: What will I be doing tonight, Rick, err, probably gonna be... staying in

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah - and doing what though?

Steve: Ooh err... watching some telly.. oh oh yeah.

Ricky: Ooh that's not all if I know you - did I see a couple of cans of weak lager in your carrier bag.

Steve: I did sneak 'em in yeah.

Ricky: You're not going to drink them both tonight though are you?

Steve: What are you? my mother?

Ricky: Ok chill out, do what you want. Will you be...sleeping alone again?

Steve: If I play my cards right.

Ricky: Will you be having a little tug, just to get yourself off to sleep?

Steve: I'll probably have a couple a couple a tugs, if there's something saucy on channel 5 I will.

Ricky: Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Here's Wise Up, Aimee Mann, enjoy.

Song: Aimee Mann – Wise Up