10 November 2001/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 10 November 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show

Fly and Dope

RG Xfm 104.9, Steve, just back announce that for us
SM yeah, Princess Superstar is, that was, Princess Superstar, and Untouchable pt 1. Did you enjoy it?
RG I really enjoyed it
SM good
RG shall I tell you why? (SM go on) it had 2 of the ingredients that I look for in a record - it was both fly and dope
SM haha high 5 man
RG OK
SM yeah, you're sweet, you're sweet man
RG coming up I've got my erm film review
SM looking forward to it.
RG it's a great one, it's a great film
SM lovely
RG Song for the Lovers, any min now err and
SM probably loads more chat
RG er there will be, there will be

Song for the Lovers: PJ Harvey - This is Love

Ricky's Film Review

RG It's Ricky Gervais show innit
SM with me Steve Merchant
RG yep, but you're going to keep quiet now Steve because I've got to do my, my world famous, film review
SM looking forward to it
RG yeah, I know you criticise, you say I do films that aren't on current release, or that I sort of just do the plot, or you know but...
SM mm mm and have you taken that criticism on board?
RG I have
SM good
RG this week's "Ricky Gervais Film Review" (zhoo zhoo zhoo) is Jungle Book
SM the Jungle Book?
RG yeah
SM that was made in what? 1968?
RG I don't know but listen, shut up right, it's a good review right? right for people who have heard it, or haven't, you know, you might learn something, cos it's sort of my take on it
SM has the review begun yet? or
RG no no from now yeah?
SM go on
RG go right - the little kid, he's in the jungle right, but he knows the bear and the panther, they're good friends, but it's dangerous, because you got to watch out the tiger and the snake, now the reason is, they don't mind him, but he's human and can make fire, they can't - that's why he's, sort of, in demand, even though they've conquered the power of speech, they can't make fire, but, then, the orang-utan gets him - ow, he's in trouble, but the bear puts coconuts on, and makes himself look like it, then they fall off, they've got to get away, but then he meets, like, er er a girl, and it's, and then they're not, you know
SM uh huh ok do you write these yourself?
RG yeah
SM you don't get a professional to do it?
RG no, no no
SM ok ok, and what would you give that one out of 5
RG that's 9
SM that's a 9 out of 5 - strong review there. strong film then for you? and you'd recommend that for friends and family?
RG yeah - just on video, or DVD, or in the cinema
SM ok, good, alright, and the film again was?
RG Jungle Book
SM Jungle Book, jolly good, alright, thanks very much for that
RG and now it's time for Song for the Lovers, this is The Smiths, and "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me"
SM good, ok cool yeah, no, yeah yeah lovely

(song starts)

RG I forgot (SM go on) about the elephants
SM oh well that's going to ruin it for everyone, they won't understand what you're talking about.
RG yurr

Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Lonely Steve

RG Smiths, lovely song - last nigh...
SM beautiful
RG Song for the Lovers there on Xfm 104.9 Can't believe I forgot the elephants - that is, that was
SM a key element of the review
RG really
SM yeah
RG yeah
SM don't let it get you down Rick, I know how these things get to you if you feel you've not done the film review the best you could
RG yeah yeah
SM I know that kind of winds you up
RG yeah
SM you stew about it um played a beaut song there, a song for the lovers, and er, you know I do get depressed when I see people around me who've got, you know girlfriends, and I think, cos, you know, I haven't, I just think like what's the rule? we mentioned last week that fat bloke from Pop Idols - he's got a bird, which annoys me, angers me, and, erm, this really depressed me, err, walking into Piccadilly Circus tube, a coupled of nights ago, homeless guy, wrapped up, unwashed, and er, Northern, and is being spoken to by some kind of carer, you know some worker who'd come out to dish out kind of stale sandwiches, and I just overheard as I was passing, him going "well of course it's very difficult maintaining a long distance relationship" (laughter) and I sort of lingered for a sec and thought "what?!", and basically pieced together that he's got a girlfriend, he's from Leeds, he's got a girlfriend who's also homeless, who's homeless up in Leeds, and occasionally she homelessneses her way all the way down to London
RG I love the fact that he's travelled to be homeless
SM I know! pathetic! it angered me that...
RG is there a lot of cheap housing in Leeds? would that have ruined it for him?
SM I I assume maybe she was squatting or something, but it just depressed me because not only is he homeless, and he's got a homeless girlfriend, but that homeless people are finding love - I mean that's really depressing, Karl, isn't it? unless they both became smack heads together
RG no, Karl's found love on the street before, haven't you?
SM how do get on with your bird Karl? are you married?
KP no, no
SM how long have you been going out with her?
KP 7 years
SM cos, I mean, you're quite a simple man
RG yeah
SM you're sort of a simpleton
RG yeah, in a nice way, I mean, you're like Helen from Big Brother, you're sort of nice enough, but
KP but I look normal
RG well, yeah, you sort of do, but you could be one of those that just suddenly go mental with a pen, you know what I mean
SM yeah just stab people through the eyes
RG yeah (laughter) you sort of look normal, but I wouldn't really want to wind you up, to a point of frenzy
SM how did you meet your girlfriend?
KP through work...(long pause)
SM ... what thru her work? or you phoned up and said..
KP we worked at the same place
SM right, right right
RG you're quite an enigma aren't you? could you give us more on that?
SM "at work", you met her "at work" - she came in selling sandwiches? (laughs) she was going thru the bins outside? what do you mean you met her at work?
KP why are having an attack on me? you're the (SM I'm not having an attack) one who's sad and lonely
SM no I'm I'm
RG oh he's done you again! he's done you again!
SM yeah, but what I thought was interesting was I just scratched at him, and he just went mental - it's like a bear caught in a trap.
RG yeah, yeah, it's funny isn't it - you'll never learn, Karl...
SM no, I was just interested to find out what the story was, cos it might be a really romantic story
KP well...it's not
SM alright! Jeez! I love the fact he doesn't want to talk about his love affair
KP I was thinking about you in the week, and like, does it worry you, I mean, you sort of joke about it now, and we were talking about it in the office, like, "is Steve really touchy about the way he looks"?
SM ooh ooh what's this? where's that come from?
RG he's done it again - he's done you again!
KP and I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?
RG (hoots) you did start it though didn't you?
SM well, Karl, I'm glad you've brought this up, because, no, no, for me, I mean, a lightweight frothy entertainment show, on Xfm, on a Saturday afternoon, is exactly the place (RG hoots), where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that's inevitably coming my way.
RG oh god, I tell you what would cheer you up, to forget about it all...a bit of Embrace
SM oh oh, one of the most hated bands..

Song: Embrace – Make it Last

Song: Hives – Main Offender

Schindler's Lifts

RG Hives - Main Offender, before that Embrace - Make it Last, I know you don't like Embrace much, but that's a nice tune, they do cut a nice little chorus (SM sure) and I think their heart's in the right place (SM Ok), yes, very nice. What - could you do better? I was mucking around...
SM that's not fair
RG no no, I was thinking, there's not enough avant-garde stuff, and I just did this right (unusual sound) - there's a little spring on the mic - what does that sound like? does it sound good? I haven't got my headphones on. does it sound good?
SM it sounds brilliant
RG I was thinking of just doing that, and sending it to John Peel, (continues making sound) maybe with some samples of like politicians going "we will not t..aaar aar aaa"
SM I feel it's more a b-side, at the moment, but it's strong
RG but that's without strings or anything
SM sure that just a basic demo (laughter) when you worked that out with a decent producer = ooh ooh, man a-live
RG still coming we've got Radiohead, we've got
SM er, what are these fellows doing?
RG erm there's a couple of..
SM just it's quite noisy
RG yeah, there's a couple of fellows behind us, taking pictures. don't know why it takes two of them, I think one of them just got, you know, a couple of hours out the office. they're from the - what are you from? X-Mag?
(off) X-Ray
SM X-Ray - what's X-Ray?
KP it's the Xfm magazine, Steve
SM Xfm what? Magazine?
KP Magazine
SM where where - is this available in shops?
RG it's just a giveaway thing, to..
KP it's kind of giveaway, bit of information on bands, gigs coming up
SM right - how is it available?
RG yeah, who gets it?
KP it's, it's in, er Top Magazines
SM you're really selling it Karl, you're obviously a fan of the magazine
KP it's alright
RG yeah
KP it's...this seems now like you've said "let's pretend we don't know what it is, you sell it on air, make it sound really good"
SM I don't know what it is!
KP well, I'll show you later
SM hey, cool
KP and if people want a copy of it, they can go to the website, subscribe, and you get it for free
RG that's alright..and (k you're going to be in it) what we're going to be in it?
KP centre pages
RG I don't look my best, I don't dress for radio, you know
SM well, it's ok, cos I'm photogenic, I'll make up for whatever you
RG I'll push you forward
SM Rick, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we have some tickets to give away. Is your favourite band, Marc E Smith's The Fall?
RG it is, yeah
SM and is your favourite venue the Kentish Town forum?
RG ohh I'd see anything there - I'd see The Fall anywhere, and I'd see anything there, so if you're telling me The Fall are there, we're not giving them away Steve - I'd like them for myself.
SM Rick, I'm just trying to remember if your favourite support act of late is "Schindler"?
RG ahh...no I hate 'em, I'm not going - give them away
SM ok so the doors are at 7.30, doesn't say when it is.
RG I'm only joking, Schindler, I'm only joking by the way Schindler, to the lads in Schindler, if they think I'm being a bit nasty.
SM it's 7.30, the tickets are 11.50 in advance, I'm assuming there's probably some still left, but we have some to give away - how many have we got to give away?
KP 3 pairs
SM 3 pairs is it ermm...talking of Schindler, you know the people who make lifts, or, I think, escalators as well (RG yeah), have you noticed, if you look (RG yeah) at the bottom of lifts, it always says "Schindler", it's always made by some organisation called Schindler...do you think it's the same Schindler, like from Schindler's list?
RG so it's Shindler's lifts
SM (laughs) Shindler's lifts
RG and it was passed down wrong - "no, I didn't make a list - I made lifts", (SM yeah, laughs) you're joking, Spielberg was going "I've made a whole film about them"
SM it was 3 hours, it was in black & white, for god's sake
RG "where did you get the lift" - "there was no lift in it, I thought it was a list you made" - "no, I made lifts" "oh, I don't believe it"
SM anyway, next time you're in a lift, check that out, that is true, anyway, we've got 3 pairs of ticket for The Fall who are performing tonight, at the Kentish Town Forum, if you'd like to win them, here's a question for you - which Radio 1, rival station, which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, if you know you can get in touch on (RG is it Zoe Ball, is it Zoe ball?) (phone number)
RG is it Chris Moyles? is it John Peel?
SM I don't want to give it away, but two words for you, Emma B

Song: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show Ad

Sombre announcer Xfm would like to apologise for material broadcast on November the 8th on the breakfast show with Christian O'Connell. The show featured the comedian and author Ben Elton. Xfm would like to point out that during live interviews we cannot realistically expect to control the language and content of our guest's material. However Christian would like to offer a full and frank apology for the fact that Mr. Elton appeared to have overdosed on the arsehole tablets that morning. Christian would like you to know that the dullard will never be on again. We really are sorry.

Polaroids

RG we're just looking at the Polaroids, the tests that photographers do
SM I'm not at all happy
RG no, do you know I kid myself, it does take mirrors and photographs, and I go "oh no, yeah, I forgot I look like that" - do you know what I mean? look at that - like a tree trunk
SM yeah - look at me Rick, there - that's always with me
RG ohh - there was a bloke downstairs thought I was Johnny Vegas, he said I love those adverts with the monkey, and I didn't have the nerve to say "I'm not him". at one point he actually said, I like that one where he hits you, I went yeah, he went "are you doing anymore adverts", I said "yeah, a couple more" I just thought it's gone too far now, I can't say "I'm not Johnny Vegas"
SM sorry, I'm not really listening Rick, cos I want to say to you - can you get me more square on - square on I'm not so bad, it's from the side
RG yeah, the side looks bad
SM alright, calm down Rick...Karl what do you make of that - pretty face?
RG this isn't great radio
SM no it's no
RG I know we never do great radio, but this is really
SM this is some of the worst we've done
RG we were talking before about er Shindler's lifts, those people who just make one thing, and they're famous for that, now do you think the monopoly commission should investigate Armitage Shanks?
SM yes
RG because I've never seen
SM never seen another sink or toilet made by anyone else
RG no, did the, when did they take over this? can you hear that clicking?
SM would you just stop just for a second while we're just
RG (laughter) he can't talk cos he's trying to make himself look so handsome
SM well exactly, I've got.. I'm striking poses
RG he's straining to sort of look normal!
SM I've changed my mind, you remember that George Michael video where her doesn't appear, he just gets supermodels to play him, can we do that maybe instead? just get a leggy blond in.
RG in our place, like 5 people instead of "this is Steve" "but he looks like 5 women" yeah, that is Steve
SM you were talking about Shanks
RG yeah, Armitage
SM they've got it sown up
RG they have haven't they? when did they..
SM I don't know who the Shanks people are, I don't think they make anything else though, I've never seen them make anything else other than lavatories, and sinks
RG so who ..."we are going to make so many urinals, there's going to be too many urinals, no one's going to have a look-in, when anyone's having a slash they're just going to be thinking Armitage Shanks"
SM but presumably there's someone called Armitage Shanks who's got his name all over that. whenever you meet him, you're just thinking, "I've had a waz"
RG ..on Armatige Shanks
SM we can say "waz", can't we?
RG yeah, or piss, or slash
SM either of them's fine ohhh

Song: U2 - Walk On

Criticizing Steve

RG see I like U2 again now, I liked them in the very early days, then I hated them for about 15 years, and then the last album, this, and beautiful day, I think "really good" - they've lost all their pomposity - don't you think?
SM I saw one of them saying that he thought this was the best album they've ever made
RG I tell you what, I'm not going to argue with him, whoever it was, Steve
SM could well have been "The Edge", not sure, could have been Larry Mullen
RG real name, David Evans
SM really - interesting, Rick, you may recall that some time ago we gave people the chance to win tickets to see The Fall performing live at Kentish Town Forum this evening
RG supported by Schindler
SM Schindler, I know you're a big fan of them, and we have some winners..
RG "I could have made more lifts"
SM the question I set was which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, we did have some wrong answers, wrong answers included, Gary Davis
RG oh imagine him in The Fall! oh that is brilliant
SM er Noel Edmonds
RG (laughs)
SM and of course Ed "stewpot" Stewart
RG oh, what's happened to Noel Edmonds? what's happened to lovely Noelly?
SM Noel is just utterly doomed now isn't he - no one will employ him now it seems
RG well, we don't know that, that's probably libellous
SM how is that libellous?!
RG he might be turning down stuff, and therefore might sort of be waiting for a big comeback with Noel's house party 2002 for all you know
SM oh no, you're right it is libellous, thanks for pointing that out Rick, in case there were any lawyers thinking "that's not libellous - no actually, good point". err so the winners are Mina, who's from Finland (laughs) apparently, according to these notes here
RG hold on why's that funny?
SM how would she have called in from Finland?
RG well no, when someone says where are you from, she might have been here for like a year, and well "Finland"
SM well, I've embarrassed myself at that Rick, thanks for tearing me apart, that was fascinating radio. Err.. Vinny's also won, he's from Surrey
RG ohh - imagine coming from Surrey!
SM and Tom Prince from Camden, what a great name, Tom Prince, they're all the lucky winners
RG I think we've lost it, no it was really good, the first few weeks, yeah, and even the first hour, but this last 20 minutes, I feel that I've bored myself (SM yeah) what's happened?
SM I think it's 'cos you keep picking me up on every single thing I say - it can't help, surely? and then if it's not you it's Karl having a go
RG yeah but he's more going for your looks, I'm more working on your personality
SM right, sure
RG but together..
SM so it's my fault now that the shows going downhill
RG no but its like you know - we're like your mentors, you've got to be harsh - you're like Eliza Dolittle, and we've got lots of little stylists in , like they do with makeovers, or that Faking It. they get in like me and Karl, Karl's working on your looks, I'm doing your personality, we're going to get stylists in, and coaches, and then you have to do a date, and the woman has to, and there's 3 other blokes, and she has to work out what the freak amongst them is, and you've got to go no one voted for you as the freak
SM yeah, Rick, I've known you for 3 years, I don't think you're cut out for that job.

Song: Groove Armada – Super Stylin'

I Love The First Hour

RG Groove Armada - Super Stylin, Xfm 104.9, it's nearly the end of the show Steve, I'm going to try harder next week, I mean, it started off well, and then, I didn't get bored, I just couldn't concentrate
SM I know what you mean, I mean, I thought I tried hard early on with the anecdotes, that embarrassed me, and which Karl just used as venom
RG I had the funny bullshit t-shirt, and the you know
SM I had the woman walking around in my clumpy shoes
RG I had washing with me
SM oh they were classic anecdotes, Rick
RG I loved the 1st hour
SM I loved the 1st hour, there should definitely be a show on Saturday evenings, on Xfm, with Kate Thornton
RG er Richard Blackwood
SM Blackwood would be good
RG Moyles in, going "oh the 1st hour, they used to.." it would be great
SM that would be lovely
RG oh amazing, and there's people taking our photographs, which I'm not happy with, to be honest, I'm going to have someone fired - I'm only joking- stop, I was only joking - oh I've offended someone, which I don't like to do, and then lifts
SM I'm worried because I didn't know that the photos were going to be taken, that we won't seem quite as hip and with the kids as we thought we would, on account of wearing these tuxedos.
RG I'm telling you now that is ironic, we are down by law, this next track is Ice Cube, It Was a Good Day, it's my selection for the hip-hop track, as you know we want to spread the word of..
SM a lot of people don't seem to realise that hip-hop is music as well, and it's out there and it should be enjoyed by kids, and at the moment it's quite an eclectic thing, you know, it's very underground (RG yeah, yeah) trying to bring it into the mainstream
RG yeah, and in this, you know, Cube says it was a good day, simple thing that he didn't use his AK, that's the sort of world he lives in, that's what he's trying to get across
SM and it talks to you about your life
RG sure
SM yeah respect man

Song: Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day

Saturday Night Steve

RG well, there you go, Ice Cube, it..
SM great song
RG yeah, yeah, well you've got a great song coming up as well
SM I have indeed, it's the Song for the Ladies, Rick, we'll leave people with that, have you seen the film Magnolia?
RG I have
SM it's one of the most underrated movies, it didn't get a single Oscar nomination. It's absolutely fantastic, breathtaking cinema (RG yeah it's fantastic), made by the guy that made Boogie Nights, absolutely fantastic, Tom Cruise is in it, loads of people, and the soundtrack is entirely written by Aimee Mann. now I don't know if she's normally the sort of person they play on Xfm, but she's a singer-songwriter of great skill, I think, and this is a song that features in one of the most breathtaking moments in the film
RG it's amazing - it all brings it together - it won't come across obviously here, but nevertheless it's a great song
SM it is a good song, it's called "Wise Up", we'll be playing that in a second, but otherwise Rick, that's it isn't it?
RG that is it, what will you be doing tonight Steve?
SM what will I be doing tonight, Rick, err, probably gonna be (laughing) ... staying in
RG yeah, yeah - and doing what though?
SM ooh err... watching some telly.. oh oh yeah
RG ooh that's not all if I know you - did I see a couple of cans of weak lager in your carrier bag
SM I did sneak 'em in yeah
RG you're not going to drink them both tonight though are you?
SM what are you? my mother?
RG ok chill out, do what you want. Will you be...sleeping alone again?
SM if I play my cards right.
RG will you be having a little tug, just to get yourself off to sleep?
SM I'll probably have a couple a couple a tugs, if there's something saucy on channel 5 I will
RG Xfm 104.9
SM here's Wise Up, Aimee Mann, enjoy

Song: Aimee Mann – Wise Up