11 January 2003/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 11 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
I Still Didn't Stop Workin
Song: Travis - Love Will Come Through
Ricky: Travis, "Love Will Come Through" on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington, etc. I've got some, uh, great tunes, actually, lined up--
Steve: Excellent.
Ricky: I've brought in, uhh, some Aimee Mann, some, uh, Neil Young, I'm gonna play my favorite Clash track. What are you- what have you got for us, Steve?
Steve: I've got a dynamite, uh, hip hop tune--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: By The Roots, which I think you'll enjoy.
Ricky: Lovely. Lovely.
Steve: Got a little bit of, uhh, Joni Mitchell, maybe swing that on later.
Ricky: Ooh, excellent.
Steve: And, umm--
Ricky: I nearly brought in some Joni Mitchell, it's a good job I didn't.
Steve: Yeah, exactly and I'm sure--
Ricky: It wouldn't of made any difference. It wouldn't have made any difference.
Steve: No, we- we'd of probably played yours and--
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: I'd of been told to--
Ricky: Fine.
Ricky and Steve: Go awayyy.
Steve: With the tune of my ear.
Ricky: Uh, Karl, what have you got lined up for us, as the producer?
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: Right, well, uhh, "Rockbusters"--
Ricky: Been off this week again.
Steve: Has he?!
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Another week off?
Ricky: Another week off, yeah.
Karl: No, I didn't have a full week off, I had three days off--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Because I was workin' all over Christmas.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And, uhh, still didn't stop working, preparin' stuff.
Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly
Karl: You've got a nice load of prizes there--
Steve: Yeah, givin' those away.
Karl: That I've sorted out. I had to come in here especially to sort that out.
Steve: Mm hmm.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Uhhm, "Rockbusters" will continue--
Steve: Did you rifle through the drawers up at Capital Gold instead of down here?
Karl: Yeh. Yeah. Uhh, "Rockbusters" - we're still doin' that.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Uhh--
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, you're biggin' it up.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: He's biggin' it up.
Ricky and Steve Chuckle
Ricky: (Lifeless Karl Impression) Still doin' that.
Karl: We've got that. Uhh, last week, ehmm, we sort of changed "Educating Ricky" a bit.... Ehm... just a little bit.
Steve: Don't say, "We". I don't want to be incriminated in it.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Well- well I "changed it" in the sense that rather than giving ya too much information about different things - it's hard to, sort of, keep it all in--
Ricky: Yeeeah.
Karl: I'm givin' ya, sort of, information on one thing. So last- last week--
Ricky: Yeah. No, cuz some of your stuff was a little bit too intense for me. Uh, my favorite story was, "There was a blind girl, she hit her head and got better", and I couldn't take all that in at once.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: So, you really should ration some of the education.
Karl: Well we- we sort of start--
Steve: Wasn't last week, uh, war-related, uhh, stories?
Karl: Yeah, it was, uhh, "War Do You Think of That, Then?"
Steve: "War Do You Think of That, Then".
Ricky: Sure.
Karl: And it was three things--
Ricky: And it was the French, uh, battle cr- uh, goin' over the top was, "John's got a mustache".
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Which you think was ambiguous because someone might have said that anyway.
Karl: Well, look, you've remembered it. So it's working.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So, we'll be doin' that and last week you said--
Ricky: Loads of French people have just gone to war, who are listening to this.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: You, uhh- you said you wanted to learn some science this week--
Ricky: Did I?
Karl: So- yeah.
Steve Giggles
Karl: So- so, the title this week for that is: "A-cid I Would Sort You Some Science Out".
Steve Laughs
Ricky Laughs
Karl: "Acid"... "A-cid"... Because that's--
Steve: How long did that take you to come up with?
Ricky: Listen, right, no- people- people love Karl. There's comedians coming up to me and go, "Karl is the funniest man"--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: They absolutely love him, right. But, I think we're only seeing half of it, right.
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: If we can get him on television- his face, then, when he told me that title was like a child at Christmas.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: It was- it was- he was so proud of it, he was excited what I was gonna- it was brilliant.
Steve: It's a bit like when a child's drawn a picture in art class: you- you know you've got to stick it on the fridge--
Ricky: You've gotta- yeah.
Steve: But you basically think it's crap.
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) It's very much like that.
Ricky and Steve: (High Pitch) All right, Karl?
Karl: Is that good?
Ricky and Steve: Yes.
Karl: So, we'll be doing that--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: "Do We Need 'Em?"...
Steve: Mm hmm.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Uhm--
Ricky: Have you got another one?
Karl: We have got another one. Looking at, uhh, snails this week.
Ricky: Ah, yeah.
Steve: Do we need snails?
Karl: "Do We Need Snails?".
Steve: Because I know you're not a fan of snails, are you?
Karl: Well, after a bit of research, I found some good stuff ab- about, umm, like, they sleep for 13 years - some of 'em.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: And that. So we'll be looking into that later--
Steve: Ricky, you tried that once, didn't you?
Ricky: (Chuckling) Yeah, I know, yeah.
Karl: We've got "Ritual"... "Ricktual".
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Which is something that I talk to you about--
Ricky: Last- yeah, well last week's was brilliant.
Karl: What was it?
Ricky: It's good to have a flat head in India.
Steve: (Laughing) It's good to have a flat head in India. I forgot all about that.
Ricky: That's brilliant. Yeah.
Karl: Uhh, and, uhh, that's about it. That's--
Ricky: Well I'm gonna- I'm gonna s- play one of my favorite Smith tracks--
Steve: Can I just, uhh- make a request though? I'd quite like - if you- if you've got time - to bring back, um - just for one week only - "White Van Karl".
Ricky: Sure.
Steve: Because there's some quite interesting topics this week.
Ricky: Oh, is there things happening in the world?
Steve: There's things happening.
Ricky: Cuz Karl doesn't think there is.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) No.
Ricky: "There is a Light That Never Goes Out"
Song: The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out
Have You Ever Seen a Bald Pet?
As "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" fades out, a Slide Whistle is Playing Along
Ricky: What?
Steve Laughs
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Uh--
Ricky Plays The Slide Whistle
Ricky: Someone's left one of those little things in here. It's brilliant, innit?!
Steve: It's amazing. What are they called, those things?
Slide Whistle "Up" Noise
Ricky: I just- I imagine there- just there I was thinking of being in the front row at a Morrissey concert and going, "I just- could I just play along?"
Ricky Plays Ridiculous Slide Whistle "Licks"
Steve Laughs
Ricky: They are brilliant.
Steve: I don't know what kind of sound that is!
Ricky: (Laughing) I don't know. It's only used for when Kenneth Williams...
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah, exactly.
Ricky: Sees someone undressing.
Ricky Plays an "Up" Sound on the Slide Whistle
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.
Ricky: (Laughing) That's the only time that is used, that noise.
Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.
Ricky: That is brilliant.
Steve: It's like it was specially created for the "Carry On" films.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. "We need- I don't know what it is, but we need something when I walk in and see someone changing." "Well, what about this?"
Ricky Plays an "Up" Sound on the Slide Whistle
Steve Laughs
Ricky: "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" by The Smiths. Um, I phoned, uh, Karl up, in the week, yeah? And, uhh, I said, uhh, "What are you doin'?", he went, "Well, even though it's one of me days off, I'm just doin' some research on the web". He went, "Yeah I found a thing- I think I'm doing science". And then he said, "You can get wigs for dogs in Tokyo".
Steve: (Laughing) Right.
Ricky: That's his scientific fact. And I went, "What do you mean? You can get dogs- if they need a wig-", I said, "If they need a wig? What? Are dogs going bald?"
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: And he went, like this is fine to him- he went, "It's a stressful city, Tokyo."
Steve Laughs
Ricky: The world's all right with Karl. He's always got an explanation. I've only ever seen him confused once when, in Edinburgh, he looked his window one day and he saw a bloke putting a parking ticket on some rubbish.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And that genuinely confused him.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: He couldn't work out- could ya?
Karl: It's a bit weird, innit?
Ricky Wheezes Laughter
Karl: But- for the--
Ricky: And the ba- and the woman breast feeding her 8 year old child didn't- you didn't like, did ya?
Karl: No, didn't like that. But, umm, the whatshername- animals with wigs, I kinda thought- after I put the phone down to you, I thought about it and thought, "Yeah, it is a bit daft, that."
Ricky: S- are you sure it's not the ageing pop group?
Karl: No--
Ricky: The Animals?
Karl: But when you think- have you ever seen, like, a bald pet?
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No.
Karl: Th- th- it's weird.
Ricky Cackles With Laughter
Ricky: (Laughing) What do you mean?!
Karl: Cuz me mam, ehm- we had a ca- we used to get through loads of cats cuz we lived on a--
Ricky and Steve Laugh Loudly
Ricky: (Laughing) OH GOD! He's starting early today, innit?!
Steve: (Laughing) What do you mean you got through a lot of cats?!
Ricky: (Laughing) It's only ten past one!
Steve: What were you doing?
Karl: Just cuz- cuz we lived o- no we lived on--
Steve: Running a restaurant?
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: (Laughing) Oh God, what do you mean???
Karl: No, we lived on, like, a main road.
Ricky: Oh, yeah.
Karl: Right?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So we used to get through a lot of 'em. Me dad kept saying, you know--
Ricky: It was their risk.
Karl: "Stop wasting money" - you know - "with- it's not good--"
Ricky: "Stop wasting money"! Not "wasting cats"!
Karl: Right, so, umm, anyway we had this cat that was ill all the time...
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: And uhh--
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) He's just a bag of nerves probably!
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Malingerer. Yeah, "I'm terrified!"
Steve: "Go into which house?"
Ricky: Vroom! Vroom! (Laughing) "Oh God. Bloody hell." Vroom!
Karl: So--
Steve: D- don't let me go to the Pilkington's!
Ricky Laughs
Karl: And he- he- for some reason it kept being sick all the time.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Yeah. That is nerves. That's definitely nerves.
Karl: So, me mam thought- kind of thought, "Oh, I've had enough of this" and she shaved it.
Ricky: WHAT! WHOA! Whoah whoahhh whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah. Now I know- I know you're not vets, in your family, but what correlation did your mum think there was between it being sick and shaving it?
Karl: Because it kept being sick and it was a pain to wash because it kept getting, sort of--
Ricky: So she wanted a dry wipe cat.
Steve Chuckles
Karl: So--
Ricky: Why didn't she just varnish it?
Steve Laughs
Ricky: What ah--
Karl: It's weird- it's weird though.
Ricky: So now- so now he's cold and sick?
Karl: No but d- no, not- I mean, not all of it. She left, sort of, the back half but, sort of, from- from its waist, sort of t--
Ricky: (Laughing) I love that! Shaving cuz it's sick on itself!
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: (Laughing) That is genius!
Karl: And it's the weirdest looking thing. I mean, nor- normally I like cats, I'm always, like, giving yours a stroke on the head and that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: As soon as she did that, it was like, "Oooh."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: (Laughing) Poor thing!
Karl: Can't touch it. And then--
Ricky: So now it's sick, cold and hated!
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I lo- I-I-I.... Karl!
Steve: It must've- I mean, other- the other cats must've been taking the mick out of it constantly. It's just making things worse. Did it get- I'm hoping that it got run over and was put out of its misery.
Karl: No, I think it- I think it got all right, that one... Or is that the-? Yeah, it did get run over.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: It did.
Ricky: Oh God! Awww.
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: Oh, dear.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) How many cats do you say you got through?
Pause
Karl: I'd say when it- whilst I was livin' at home- I mean, it- it's still on the increase even though I'm not living there--
Ricky Giggles
Karl: So, I- whilst- whilst I was there - probably five.
Ricky Chuckles
Ricky: Oh God!
Steve: Yeah. Wow!
Ricky: Ohhh!
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: And were you upset each time or you just got used to it?
Karl: It's- it's one of them things, innit, like I've said before when you first see something it's a bit of a shock, do you know what I mean? It's like the Elephant Man or whatever--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: First time you see him it's that, sort of, "Oooh, look at that."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Do you remember the first time you saw Steve? No, I'm not being funny. Do you remember the- about the first...
Karl: Yeah, but I've said this before - it's always- then you get used to how people look and you don't--
Ricky Wheezes With Laughter
Ricky: (Laughing) Steve's face!
Karl: No. No. D'ya--
Ricky: (Laughing) I'm gonna burst! I'm gonna- you have to play a record because I just- Steve's face!
Goldrush - Let You Down Begins To Play
Karl: No, but I've got used to it.
Ricky Continues Laughing
Steve: Shut up. Shut up.
Song: Goldrush - Let You Down