13 April 2002

Xfm Series 1 November 2001 - May 2002 List of episodes

Episodes: 10 November 2001 (Transcript) 17 November 2001 (Transcript) 24 November 2001 (Transcript) 01 December 2001 (Transcript) 08 December 2001 (Transcript) 15 December 2001 (Transcript) 22 December 2001 (Transcript) 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12 13 April 2002 (Transcript) 20 April 2002 (Transcript) 27 April 2002 (Transcript) 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Summary

Guardian Article
Ricky and Stephen was written up in the Guardian but Steve's name was written as Steve Mitchell. Ricky introduces him as Steve Mitchell at the top of the show. This is the first time Steve's picture was printed in a national paper. In the interview Ricky says one of his favorite songs of all time is Bob Dylan's, "If You See Her Say Hello" which they misquote as "If You See A Sailor". This is--in small part-- due to the fact that he and Steve were speaking very quickly at the interview, but mostly because the Guardian fact checkers did a poor job.

Karl and Ricky's Night Out
Karl and Ricky went for drinks the night before. They met up with Ricky's mate Robin.

*Stephen discusses acting in a pilot and his forthcoming stunts
Stephen's character is committing suicide in the program. Stephen has a problem taking off his glasses. He tells Ricky more about all the things he can't do because of his glasses, they including fighting and moshing.

Karl's Near Death Experiences - Part I
Ricky outlines Karl's near death experiences and Karl adds in one more. There are four in total: paper route, Mr. Freeze Pop, cream cake, and Snick n' slate.

Karl and Ricky's Night Out - Part II
Robin told Karl a bunch of wild stories just taking the piss out of Karl. Robin said something about having works. Steve mentions that Robin also said he had once suckled milk from a cow's udder. Robin told Karl this story too. Karl finds out none of the stories are true and refuses to believe it. Ricky told Karl that Robin cured the worms by holding ham and cheese near Robin's bum for the worm to crawl out for the food. He told him Robin used to sit on spam. Karl quotes his rubbish story about the man wrapping bacon on his head to get out a worm, as proof that Robin's story could be true.

Karl's Near Death Experiences - Part II
Mr. Freezepop aka Popsicle Hell
Karl's parents did the shopping on Fridays and the kids would always run in and when they came back from the shop, grab snacks, and wolf them down. Karl swallowed the freezepop too quickly and started to choke. Karl thinks he has a small throat since he can't drink that much and he choked a lot as a child. Karl thinks it was a new lease on life. Stephen asks him whether his life flashed before his eyes and Karl says no.

Paper Route
Karl says this is the best job he ever had because of all the freedom. He would get up at half four and do his route so he could be home in time to watch The Pink Panther at 5:30. One night it was very cold and snowy and Karl's mum told him not to do the paper rout, but Karl insisted. It turned out Karl's mother had locked the front door to ensure he would not leave, so Karl tried to sneak out the bathroom window. He was so overdressed that he got stuck in the window. His dad comes in the morning and thinks Karl is a burglar. Upon finding out it was Karl his Dad ran up and saved him before he fell to the concrete.

Kicking His Height
Karl was in the front yard after seeing a kung fu movie, kicking the tree and other such behavior. Karl's dad comes out and says " I bet you can't kick your height," which is the Manc way of saying kicking your leg up to your head. So Karl proved his father wrong, but ending up falling and injuring his back in the process.

Karl's Ball Health
Because of all his mishaps, Karl is deathly afraid that he will die of something horrible. Nonetheless, he refuses to give himself scrotal exams.

Karl's Kwuotes - Part I
They discuss Neil Armstrong's quote, he should have said "It's one small step for a man and one giant step for mankind." They discuss how some people deny that the moon walk occurred. As usual, Karl fails to substantiate anything. Karl claims that as they were getting back on the spaceship Neil Armstrong said "Good luck Mr Croucher," because when he was a kid he heard the neighbor couple arguing and Mrs. Croucher said she'd give him oral sex when man walks on the moon." Stephen says he's heard the story but that she said something like "When the boy next door walks on the moon."

* White Van Karl

David Beckham's Broken Foot
Karl isn't bothered by this. The country is encouraged to pray for Becks and other mystical things, Karl doubts this will work.

Fancy Floating Flats For Sale
There are expensive apartments now available on an exclusive ship that sails around the world. Karl is wondering whether the Titanic is still the biggest ship ever built. Ricky says ships are much bigger now. Karl's mum told him that there was once a ship that was so big that "it had rough areas on it." Karl and Stephen have a good laugh. According to Ricky, these ships claim that they aim to solve the overpopulation crisis. Karl talks about how he would like to buy a flat in London but it's far too expensive. He says the Thames is wasted space, but if they got boats on there the overcrowding problem would be solved. Karl said he'd give living in a boat a chance. Steve says he'd like to see Karl living in a hot air balloon. Karl reckons since the icecaps are melting more of us will start living in the water. Steve asks Karl whether he's seen Waterworld. Karl thinks that icecaps melting will dip in the water and refreeze the water. Ricky and Steve tell him he's wrong, but Karl says he's using his fables. He keeps going on about a glass of Jack Daniels with ice the size of the Empire State Building in it.
The Queen Mum's Funeral
Karl is annoyed by all the people lined up to see her. Based on the Che Guevara book he just read, Karl suggests that they cut the Queen Mum into pieces so they can divide the lines up. Stephen explains to him that this situation is totally antithetical to the Queen Mum's situation. Karl isn't being disrespectful, he genuinely thinks it is a good idea. Ricky tells him that "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." Stephen says he'd be annoyed if he queued up and didn't get to see a good bit of her. Ricky says people could view her hip replacements. Stephen suggests they wheel her past everyone instead.
Liz Hurley Camping Out at Elton's
Apparently everyone goes to his house to avoid the press. Robbie Williams did the same. Karl jokes that her problem is she already spent to much time "lying low" in the first place; an obvious joke about how she got pregnant. This makes Ricky laugh and Karl is pleased with himself.

Karl's Kwuotes - Part II
Karl has fashioned a segment in the spirit of Faking It. He gives three quotes and they have to sort out which one is Karl's.
Quote 1: Nothing is worth more than this day.
Quote 2: The way I see it, if you want the rainbow you've got to put with the rain."
Quote 3: Cat food--- it stinks a bit--but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die."
The last one is obviously Karl's.
Ricky says that Karl was looking at Ricky's pet salamander and said "It sits there 24 hours a day obvioulsy thinking about how to get out."

Karl's Dad and The Forrest Gump-types Go To Blackpool
Karl's dad took a bunch of learning disabled people to Blackpool in his cab. One of the kids was misbehaving so Karl's father put him in a wheely bin and left him there for an hour or so.
Another time, Karl's dad had to take old women to the bingo hall. On the way back, the women were giving Karl's dad a hard time so he dropped them on the side of the road and they were stranded. Karl's father was subsequently sacked.

Quotes

"We're here to stay for another three weeks and then they'll have to Order a New DJ."
"If you're ever caught in the jungle, always carry some bit of danish."
"Kick me height"
"I don't check my balls, I don't like the feel."
"It worries me that you've got all that going on in your body and your skin's keeping it in place."
"That Little Forest Gump, he was a bit of a nutter."

Songs

New Order - Here To Stay
Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Alison
Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies?
I Am Kloot - To You (from Teachers 2 Soundtrack - Jane worked on this)
The Strokes - Hard To Explain
? - My Name Is Jack
Sterophonics - Vegas Two Times
Meats and Poultry - Nothing Ms. Jackson Mashup
The Flaming Lips - Race For The Prize
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
Fujiya & Miyagi - ?
Nick Drake - ?

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