13 April 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 13 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Stephen Mitchell

Ricky: New Order! And 'Here To Stay'! On XFM 104.9, well we're here stay aren't we Steve?

Steve: True enough.

Ricky: Well for another four weeks anyway then we're off, four more shows, they'll have to 'order'... a 'new'... DJ!

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: Alright?

[Steve Laughs]

Steve: That was genius!

[Ricky Laughs]

Ricky: Eh? Oh I'm Ricky Gerv-

Steve: -It's as simple as that!

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Mitchell-

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: -and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: ...Ah man!

Ricky: Did anyone read the 'Guardian' yesterday? It was Steve's big ch-, we were interviewed together, Steve-

Steve: I've never been interviewed before in a paper, I've certainly never had my photo in a national newspaper before.

Ricky: We were very excited, we loved the interview. It was talking about our top ten albums between us. We loved it, we talked really fast like... school kids, we were excited. It was a great interview and all the way through, it was Ricky Gervais, with his writing-partner, 'Steven Mitchell'!

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: 'Steven Mitchell', it's not even like 'Merchant'!

Ricky: He phoned me up the night before and he was gutted and I know how he feels, it's awful, and it was big letters and just all the way through, in the caption, and it's just like, 'Oh God!'

Steve: But it's embarrassing, do you know what I mean, it's embarrassing 'cos it's like I was trying to get in the paper, 'I couldn't believe my luck', and then that just draws attention to that fact that I'm not a celebrity-

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: -and consequently they can't even remember my name!

Ricky: But the worst thing was that, one of my favourite albums of all time, I said in there, was 'Blood On The Tracks' by Bob Dylan. I said because, you know, I think one of the most beautiful songs ever is 'If You See Her Say Hello'. And of course these people were sort of transcribing it from, you know, a dictaphone, it came out, um, my favourite song of all time, was 'If You See A Sailor'.

[Steve Laughs]

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: 'If You See A Sailor'! "Ooh, hello!"

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: "Fruity!"

Ricky: Aww, "Bob Drillboids, um, 'Flap On The Trap' with 'Where's The Sailor Gone To?'"

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: Aww "-With Ricky Gervais and Stevelen Mitchelings!"

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: Aww!

Steve: But I don't know, they must have thought my name was, was Mitchell all along, they obviously never knew-

Ricky: The evidence is there!

[Ricky Laughs]

Ricky: I think they clearly thought...

Steve: It was like [when] they reported in the paper that we had been nominated for a 'Sony', and it said, uh, "Ricky Gervais, who hosts the breakfast show on XFM." And it's that sort of, it's just guessing! It's like, presumably someone's gone "Does he host a breakfast show?" and someone's gone "Yeah." and that's, that's their research done!

Ricky: Yeah, but there was a thing about, um, The Office, "set in Swindon". That's someone going "Just writing about an article about The Office, where's it set?" "Swindon, I think." "Is it? OK, that'll do."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Pathetic-

Ricky: Even we research the show now and again don't we? Even we look things up... well actually people phone in... usually that fella'. What's that fella's name that calls in who's got the website? He's got a funny name.

Karl: Umm,

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: 'Gaybo' or something.

Karl: James-

Steve: -Phone in if you remember what his name is!

Ricky: Yeah,

Karl: James, James at 'Lose Control'.

Ricky: Yeah, what's his surname though?

Steve: Oh for goodness sake this is just-

Karl: Dunno.

Steve: -going to be interesting to him! And his friends!

Ricky: Oh yeah... Oh yeah!

[Steve Laughs]

Steve: You remember?

Ricky: We better play another record!

Steve: Yes!

Ricky: Coming- aww- tell you what if you-

Karl: -Johnny Mango!

Ricky: Mango, that's it, yeah. Now if you like Elvis Costello's 'Alison', or maybe-

[Steve Laughs]

Steve: -Rick, I do!

[Ricky Laughs]

Ricky: Or maybe Freeze, Freeze, um, 'My Brother Jake',

Steve: One of my favourites!

Ricky: Stay tuned!

Everyone Likes the Smell of Bacon

Ricky: Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies. Good question lads, nobody.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: This is XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais.

Steve: They should print a little book of those.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: They're great. How you can relate any song or artist to anything else.

Ricky: Easy, easy. Well yeah, so me and Karl went out, out for a beer, and it was great wasn't it?

Karl: Yeah, I enjoyed myself, yeah it was good.

Ricky: We started off. And you met my mate Robin didn't you?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And, some of the stories. Do you want to tell Steve some things about Robin that you've learnt?

Karl: Robin. Do you know him well?

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Well erm, do you know about his worm problem as a kid?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Right, he err- what I can remember is, he had worms as a kid. Not sure how you get em' he never answered me. He was getting a bit touchy about it.

Steve: Right.

Karl: This is like the second time I’ve met him, and I think he was a bit annoyed that Ricky told me about his problem.

Ricky: Now straight away, you not being there, instinctively what do you think went on with this story about worms?

Steve: My suspicion-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -is rather like when you told a group of people that Robin had once suckled milk from a cows udder.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: He told me that.

Steve: Did he mention that as well? Yeah. My suspicion is that, like the cow story, the worm story is not true. And Robin-

Karl: But why would he get so sort of, uppity about it?

Ricky: Because its not true.

Steve: Imagine if that wasn't the first time he's done it, imagine if he- he did that every single time, he was with somebody for the first time and Robin was- just met them. He will tell that story to anyone.

Karl: But they do say, there's no smoke without fire.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Poor Robin. I also told him-

Karl: That's a fable.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I also told him, that the way Robin cured these worms-

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: -was because, the doctor told his mother, right? To hold a piece of ham or cheese near Robin's anus, so the worms would come out for the food. And he believed it.

Karl: I'll tell you why though.

Ricky: I said Robin used to sit on SPAM, to try to get the worms out, and he believed it.

Karl: But Steve, right? Do you remember that story about, oh, three or four years ago, where there was some bloke in the army? He went away somewhere, Vietnam or whatever, he was messin' about in the woods, erm-

Ricky: He was messin' about in the woods!

Steve: Shouldn't he have been fighting?

Karl: Whatever, right. And he walked through some lake, and I think he cut his toe, or something, on something, and some worm, of some sort, crawled in the gash-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -and erm, it was in his body, and the doctor said we've got to get this out your body. So, what they did was, they said the thinnest part of something, of your body that things can crawl through, is on the top of your 'ed. So they wrapped-

Ricky: Where the skull is?

Karl: So they wrapped some bacon-

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: No they didn't.

Karl: They did.

Ricky: Oh Right? So it's gone in by the toe, so what we do is: "I tell you what, that worm's probably heading straight for the head, we'll put a bit of bacon on it". The thinnest part of the body? The skull- of course it's not the thinnest part of the body. It's where your brain case isn't it. It's the hardest- the skull?

Karl: There was a reason for it. And it was like they erm, stuck some bacon on his 'ed-

Steve: As ever, the vital piece of information, i.e. the reason, Karl seems to have forgotten.

Karl: Because the worm was in his body and they said, you know, everyone likes the smell of bacon.

Steve Laughs

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah, including worms.

Ricky: Even a worm, even a Vietnamese lake worm, they-

Steve: They love bacon.

Karl: Last week, remember last week when I said about the little fella born with no brain, and you were proved wrong.

Ricky: No no. We were saying it wasn't a little fella. We were saying it was a stillborn child. It wasn't a little fella.

Karl: You're changing it now. You weren’t havin' any of it last week.

Steve: Right, hang on a minute, let's just- I’m getting confused. There was a Vietnamese, there wasn't a Vietnam- There was a Vietnamese snake that went inside a soldier-

Ricky: No, a worm.

Karl: A little, like maggot or some sort- That you have to get out your body cos' it causes problems.

Steve: Yes. So in order to get it out of the body, they strapped bacon to his head.

Ricky: That is great. This doctor-

Steve: And did that work?

Karl: I think so. They had a picture of him smiling.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What the worm or the bloke?

Karl: The bloke.

Karl Laughs

Ricky: Oh dear.

Karl: Honestly, honestly, I hope someone knows the story and I can just-

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It was about three years ago I reckon-

Ricky: OK

Karl: -and erm, yeah it did work.

Steve: GI bacon.

Karl: So this is why- I- when-

Ricky: So the worm burrowed out of his head to get the bacon-

Karl: Get to the bacon.

Ricky: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Steve Laughs

Ricky: That’s great, I love that.

Karl: This is why when Robin was telling his story I was a little bit disappointed if it wasn't true-

Steve: Right.

Karl: -because in a way-

Steve: You know Robins never been to Vietnam?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: No, but what- Do you really think that Robin- as Robin said at the time: "Karl, why would I sit on ham, then tell Ricky Gervais?"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: It's a very good point.

Karl: Because if he was a kid - you do daft things like that as a kid.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It's the telling Ricky Gervais though.

Ricky: Yeah. And then- Aw, bless him.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: And then- Anyway, Robin left and I tried to chase him, but he got away, and he knows I- Yeah. And then we had a few pints and then Karl embarked on some of the greatest stories ever told. Have you- Can you tell the story about your dad?

Karl: Let me run it- I haven't spoke to him all week, so let me run it by him.

Ricky: Ok, play a record.

Karl: Cos, err- you know.

Ricky: What we got?

Karl: We got one of Steve's tunes-

Steve: Well bizarrely enough, this come from the Teachers 2 soundtrack, the soundtrack to the current TV series. There's a slight whiff of nepotism in the air.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rick, would you like to explain why?

Ricky: Well that's why you're doin' it- My girlfriend worked on it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But erm- You were going to play this anyway weren't you?

Steve: Yeah I was actually, I was going to play some 'I am Kloot' and this is from, as I say, the Teachers soundtrack, and this is called 'To You', it's a good track.

Song: I am Kloot - To You

Steve: 'I am Kloot', a track called 'To You', from the teachers soundtrack. That's also got, I notice, the 'Electric Soft Parade', 'The Hives', 'Starsailer', 'Feeder', 'Turin Brakes', 'Smokie Rev' on there. It's a good little collection.

Ricky: Lovely. Karl has just had confirmation- he 's looking smug, cos someone phoned up and went: "It is true, it's a [?] worm, and you wrap bacon on your 'ed." That’s all the bloke knew as well, and his name was Garry.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So I’m not havin' it.

Steve: No.

Ricky: And he said, "See, that’s why the Robin thing, isn't so weird." He said "But when you said he tried it with cheese," he said, "I was havin' none of it."

Steve Laughs

Song: Strokes - Hard to Explain

Mr Freeze

Ricky: 'Strokes', 'Hard to Explain'. Like Karl really.

Steve: Yes. Yes.

Ricky: So, Karl. Concentrate.

Karl: Yeah, go on.

Ricky: So, we'll leave the worm, with the bacon wrapped 'round the head shall we?

Karl: Well, if you’re ever caught in the jungle-

Ricky: Yeah. Always carry some-

Karl: Bit of Danish.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Good advice.

Ricky: Lovely. So, would you like to start on your- to Steve cos I’ve heard all these.

Karl: We won't do 'em all.

Ricky: Well, we'll start off with the Mr Freeze, tell Steve the story of Mr Freeze. This is the first time he nearly died.

Karl: This is the most serious of the lot, really. So- What is was- Do you know, like- Don't know if you mam and dad did the same thing, but like, they'd do their weekly shopping on like a Friday.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So when you got to Thursday, there wouldn't be much stuff left in the cupboard, it would just be like, you know, your Jacobs crackers-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and stuff like that. So when they'd been to the supermarket, and they came back I was like, you know- What's that sayin'? Like a pig in... Yeah, I loved it. It was like leads of food comin' in. Loads of biscuits-

Ricky: He nearly said-

Steve: What is that saying?

Ricky: He nearly said like a pig in shit.

Steve: Ha, right.

Karl: Is that the sayin'?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, so erm, so all this food comes in-

Steve: Thank God he didn't.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I know I’d have been in trouble.

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: Cos, he’s culpable for our actions, cos he's the producer. So technically, that twats in charge. Go on.

Karl: So anyway, so there’s loads of food, and I’m like "Oh, yeah look at this!" And chocolate biscuits, and you know, Penguins and stuff.

Steve: Bacon.

Karl: So- And bacon.

Ricky: Just in case, you never know.

Karl: So erm- So anyway, me mum and dads puttin' the food away, me and our kid are like- He 's already grabbed something and gone back upstairs.

Ricky: Like feral children! It's like the quest for fire, and then they run upstairs! What, did you sit under the bed, gnawing at some sort of pig’s trotter?!

Karl: So I saw- do you remember Mr Freeze pops?

Steve: I do, yes. They're kind of like Popsicles, icicles aren’t they?

Karl: Yeah, but really long- Like, a foot long. So I thought I'll have one of them. So I grabbed it.

Ricky: Went for the nutritious stuff first.

Steve: Absolutely.

Karl: And- Me mam and dad are putting the stuff away and what 'ave you- And I rip it open and knock it back, straight away, just right back.

Steve: Swallow it straight away.

Karl: But it went down the wrong way. Right?

Steve: What, down your shirt?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: So I was like "Oh God"- can't breathe and me mam and dad didn't even know what I’d 'et. Do you know what I mean? I 'et it so quick.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I’m sort of tapping my mam on the back going- And she’s going "Oh God" 'cos he's choking again because I was always choking.

Steve Laughs

Ricky Laughs

Karl: One thing- I don't know if I’ve got like a small throat

Ricky Laughs

Karl: But even Ricky knows I can't drink that much can I?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know-

Steve: Or eat pebbles!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: I'm not a quick drinker. I'd always- I think I’m scared of like - swallowing stuff.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And it was like bottle tops and mint imperials and stuff. I was always choking on stuff.

Steve: God!

Karl: So, anyway, it was like: what's he picked up and 'et now?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Drop It! Drop it! Hit his nose with a stick!

Karl: So I was going- and choking. At this point me dad had like- I think he'd put his share away, you know his food away.

Ricky: His share! I love it!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: He'd gone to watch like, Winner Takes All or whatever-

Steve Laughs

Karl: -in the lounge. I was in the kitchen and I was starting to like- I didn't care anymore. You know what I mean? I hadn't- I just got to that point where I wasn't struggling anymore.

Steve: You just thought, "I'm done for."

Karl: So I’m falling to the ground, and me mams going, you know, "Get in here, I think it's serious!" And me dad comes in and sort of starts shouting at me, sort of sayin' "That's what you get for being greedy." He didn't even know what I’d eaten.

Steve: Well it was the moment to teach you a lesson certainly!

Karl: So he's there like that and me mams going "Oh, look at him!" And me lips were going purple, and me eyes were rolling into the back of me 'ed.

Ricky: You looked like Maralin Manson.

Karl: And- So anyway she grabbed me from behind and did that fireman thing.

Steve: The Heimlich manoeuvre?

Karl: And winded me, and it came up, and I was alright.

Steve: What the whole Popsicle came flying back out?

Karl: I don't- You see, that's what I don't understand. 'Cos there was nothing there-

Ricky: No, it’s just a little bit, it just swells doesn’t it ‘cos it irritated it so it went down your sort of like your epiglottis , it went down the wrong way, and it went into your air-canal instead of your throat

Karl: So…

Ricky: ..it sort of, it sort of spasms, that’s the fear, you just gotta calm it down and relax… You don’t have to…

Karl: So in time I would have been alright anyway?

Ricky: Yeah, you don’t.

Steve: Well, no, you might have.. passed out

Ricky: So that’s so, so, so that’s one…

Steve: No hang on.. but, but ..

Karl: no no no but the weird thing is, like for like three days after that, I felt like a sort of , special person…

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: I’m almost, I’m saying nothing.

Karl: I went to school, I did full days…

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: …A special needs person

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: I went to school the next three days after that, I didn’t like wag it or anything, I did full days.

Ricky: I love that; three days, turning over a new leaf there.

Steve: Yeah, exactly! Yeah, after three days he thought “screw it”.

Ricky: Yeah, did a quick history exam…

Steve: Yeah..

Karl: But have you ever had that, where you felt like “I’ve been given another chance here?”

Ricky: Hmm, right , next one, that’s “Popsicle”, that’s “Popsicle Hell” we’ll call that, right? Next one…

Karl: Ehh, which one’s the next one?

Ricky: Oh, what about your paper round?

Karl: .. right,

Steve: Can I ask very quickly, did your life flash before your eyes like they say it did?

Karl: No, I just sort of went really calm and like “I’m ready for this now”

Steve: Right

Karl: I wasn’t bothered, you know what I mean?

Steve: You had no regrets?

Karl: No, no, erm.. it was weird, really weird

Steve: Yeah

Karl: But anyway, the paper round one, eh paper round.. .Still say it’s the best job I’ve ever had.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: And he means it!

Karl: No, I really enjoyed it, it’s like you know.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: you don’t have to work with anyone else, right? So you make your own rules.

Ricky: Just think of that

Steve: Yeah..

Karl: Um, you know, um..

Steve: You’re spreading information!

Karl: Yeah

Steve: Vital information…

Karl: Givin’ them a service. And, no one else is around, you can just do what you want and think about stuff while you’re cycling around on your bike. It’s really good.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: So, um, so anyway..

Steve: Imagine the stuff he’s thinking about when he’s riding his bike.

Ricky: Karl, it’s like getting in the head of a salamander…

Steve Laughs

Karl: So anyway, I loved it and even though I only got like 50p a day right, no matter what the weather was like and stuff I used to get up at half past four and eh, go and do the round and erm..

Ricky: Why did you get up at half past four?

Karl: ‘Cos I wanted to watch the Pink Panther at five thirty so I wanted to get me paper round done

Ricky: I said why didn’t you watch the Pink Panther,

Steve: ..And then do the paper round

Ricky: He went “aw, I can’t sit there thinking I’ve got me paper round to do”

Steve Laughs

Steve: It’ll ruin it for him

Ricky: Yeah, so is it a good job or not?

Karl: Four thirty I was up, up and about and this morning it was like winter really bad winter, bad snow you know, freezing cold, really windy and all that. And me Mam said to me before I went to bed, she said “don’t be getting’ up tomorrow, I’ll give you the 50p”, I said “it’s not about the 50p”…

Ricky Giggles throughout

Karl: You know, people want the papers and stuff…

Ricky: Conscientious…!

Karl: So um, ah.. So I went to bed thinking, you know that’s it, I’m, I’ve told her I’m still going , so you know whatever. Go to sleep, get up in the morning and put all me kit on and I used to have layers of clothes on ‘cos it was really cold. I had like a big anorak on with the fur on and I had water proof pants and I got me paper round bag and eh, I went down stairs to get out and tried to open the door and it was locked so I thought “oh god..” so she’d locked it so I couldn’t go out. So I’m searching ‘round the house looking for the keys, she must’ve hid ‘em somewhere. I thought “oh god, you know, I’ve got the papers to do” so I thought “how can I get out?” so I went upstairs, climbed outta the bathroom window..

Steve: God!

Karl: Right? And, to try and jump out of the bed- bathroom window onto the porch, but the problem was I had so gear on I was like the Mitchlinn Man, so I could hardly move as it is

{{Steve|yeah

Karl: I tried to get out the window, and I’m tryin’ to stretch down like that, get me foot on the porch, and me bag got caught on like the hook of- do you know how you have like a hook so you can pop the window open..

Steve: Right… yeah yeah.

Karl: The little arm goes on. Me bag had got caught on that, I was holding onto like the wall and me foot on the thing so I couldn’t sort of pull it, pull it away, in case I pulled it away and fell on me head..

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, I’m stuck there…

Ricky: Danglin’..

Karl: Danglin’, me Dad comes back from working nights,

Steve: Yeah

Karl: ‘E thinks I’m a burglar..

Steve Laughs

Steve: Gets out his gun…

Ricky Laughs

Karl: So, so he’s shouting and stuff and going mad and I’m going “Dad, it’s me” and he had to give us a hand with, using a..

Steve: He’s heard that wily trick in Manchester before…

Ricky Laughs

Karl: He had to help me using a washing prop thing- a big stick

Steve: What did he do?!

Karl: Well he said, “just hold on for your dear life and I‘ll sort of push the paper bag off the hook”

Steve: Why didn’t he go upstairs and sort it out?

Karl: It was at that point where I was in the middle and there was nothing you could do, you know what I mean? Its at that point where you just gotta make a decision and by the time he got upstairs, who knows what would have happened.

Steve: Sure

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: You know what I mean, and you gotta act there and then, no messin’ around.

Steve: Yeah, yeah

Karl: Um, so…

Ricky: And you could hear downstairs “Now here he is the Pink Panther”, “Dad!”

Steve: Hurry up!

Ricky: “Panther is ever so pink” oh!

Karl: So that was close to death ‘cos I must have been about 30 foot in the air

Steve: Yeah

Karl: And I would’ve you know, that would’ve been nasty if fell to the concrete pavement so..

Steve: Sure, and um..

Ricky: Well, there’s more to come, shall we play a record and come back to this ‘cos got more?

Steve: Oh yeah, no… There must be one of them where you did fall on your head, this is the one I’m waiting for. There’s gotta be one. That would explain so much.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: I nearly did, I nearly broke my back once

Steve: Jeez

Karl: Me Dad said I bet I can’t kick me height and I said “I bet I can” and uh..

Ricky: I don’t remember this, you didn’t tell me this one.

Steve: You don’t, I bet you can’t what?

Karl: I was in the garden, Summer’s day, and it was that era when like doing Kung Fu and all that was like really popular and I was like messing about in the garden, punching a tree and stuff.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: What sort of a kid he must have been

Karl: And me Dad said “I bet you can’t kick your height”

Steve: “Kick your height?” you mean kick as high as yourself?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Yeah, so I must have been like 5 foot or something then

Steve: Yeah

Karl: And, eh, I said “’corse I can,” he siad “I bet you can’t” but instead of doing it on the grass, I did it on like, the concrete bit.

Steve Gasps

Karl: Kicked it, actually did it, I went “there you go” but didn’t like get me foot down quick enough.

Ricky: Oh, you , you paused, paused to say “there I’ve done it” as opposed to putting your foot back on the ground.

Karl: And, eh, landed on the ground and I still get back trouble now.

Steve: Do you?

Karl: ‘Cos they say that don’t they?

Ricky: So you, uh, cut a long story short, he gave me about four or five near death experiences and he went and the whole point of this, he went “so that’s why I think I’m gonna die of something horrible, like Cancer” and I went “Why?” he went, right, you ready for this?

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: He said “Well I don’t check me balls.”

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Wait, he said “I don’t like the feel”

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Karl, Karl, always check your balls.

Ricky: “I don’t like the feel?” Why don’t you like the feel? Of your own balls?

Karl: They just… I mean, you know I don’t like bodies anyway…

Ricky: Right..

Karl: Do you know what I mean, it worries me a bit that you’ve got all that going on in your body and your skin is keeping it in place.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, we’re going down a whole ‘nother avenue or discussion, let’s play a track and come back to it.

Ricky: Oh! Right, I’ve brought in this, this is Free, uh, erm, you’ll know the jeans commercial.

Steve: Yeah “Alright Now”

Ricky: Long time ago ,“Alright Now”, this is a great little track, it‘s “ My brother Jack”

Song: Free - My Brother Jake

Good Luck Mr Croucher

Song: Stereophonics - Vegas 2 Times

Ricky: Stereophonics, “Vegas 2 Times”. Xfm 104.9. Into the last hour.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: And then, three shows to go!

Steve: True enough.

Ricky: ‘Til we’re off the air. I’m Ricky Gervais

Steve: With him, Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Karl. Alright?

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: Go on, tell your, we, we were cut short last week, you, you had an amazing story about Neil Armstrong didn’t ya?

Karl: Well, we’ve been doing quotes, haven’t we, like famous quotes.

Steve: Yes

Ricky: Sure

Karl: That have like, gone down in history

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: And um, I was saying you know, quotes - don’t really matter

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: It’s more the situation that you’re that you’re in rather than the quote itself

Ricky: Go on

Karl: So, like Neil Armstrong, if he’d have said.. What, um, you know…

Steve: “Tie bacon ‘round your head!”

Ricky: “I’m as happy as a pig in dust!”

Karl: Yeah, that would’ve still gone down in history as like the thing that Neil Armstrong said wouldn’t it?

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: But..

Steve: Space has driven him mental probably would’ve been the er..

Ricky: But, but, but he chose to say something profound and meaningful eh, to befit the situation…

Karl: Which was…?

Ricky: Um, well he got it wrong actually, it’s um, ah, “small, small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” but he was meant to say.

Steve: Well, we discussed this last week, stop showing off..

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, well, people might not’ve listened last week

Steve: It doesn’t matter

Ricky: I mean, I can’t imagine people..

Steve: Well, we’ll tell ‘em every week then

Ricky: Eh, but he said ah, he should have said “this is one small step for a man” but anyway…

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: He had a good effort.

Karl: And that’s, that’s what I, that’s an example of what I’m sayin’, how he got it wrong but it’s still went down in history.

Steve: Right.

Karl: But anyway, the bit that… and it didn’t happen anyway, did it?

Ricky: What do you mean, “it didn’t happen anyway?”

Karl: That’s what a lot of people say. That, no one’s actually been on the moon.

Steve: Ah, yes of course.

Ricky: They, they filmed it in Teddington Studios.

Karl: Well, they were saying something about, there was shadow on the film and you wouldn’t get shadow on the film and there’s all sorts of things.

Ricky: These people that you always quote as “They”..

Steve Laughs

Steve: Who are they?

Ricky: Are they living in jars? Are they little fellas in jars? Go on.

Karl: Look, you know..

Steve: Do they appear to you in dreams?

Karl: I spoke to different people about it and there’s loads of little things that if you watch that program you know of them being on the moon, there is no way they could have done it.

Steve: Right.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: Done.

Steve: Fine.

Ricky: Done! That’s put to bed! Good.

Karl: But anyway, as he was getting back on the spaceship or on the moon or whether it be a tv studio…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: He said ah, “good luck Mr. Croucher”.

Steve: Right…

Karl: Have you heard this?

Ricky: No.

Karl: And the reason he said that was because when he was a young kid and he was play- I think it was Croucher, but when he was playing as a young kid in his garden, he was playing baseball with his mate and he chucked the ball to his mate and his mate hit the ball and the ball went over the fence to the next door neighbour, so he goes “right, I’ll just nip over and get the ball.” And as he was getting the ball the window was open to his neighbours house and he heard like the woman shouting at her husband saying “I’m not gonna be giving you…” erm, bit rude, so if you got a kid in the car or whatever, turn it down… wai- yeah, that’s covered that, yeah. Right, um…

Ricky: Genius!

Karl: “I’m not giving you , I’m not, no matter how many times you ask me, I am not gonna be giving you oral sex, the day I do that, man would‘ve walked on the Moon .” Right?

Steve: Right.

Karl: He grows up, he gets on the moon, he remembers all that story and as he gets back on the space ship he say’s “good luck Mr. Croucher.”

Steve: Now, do you know, I have to say, I’ve heard this story before but when I heard it the woman said “du-du-du-dah I give you a blow job is the day the boy next door walks on the moon” which makes it all the more funny and enjoyable.

Ricky: Impossible.

Steve: Yeah and unlikely.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, but yeah, I’ve heard the same story Karl.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Look at how pleased he is…

Ricky: I love that.

Steve: So, not only have you remembered that anecdote which may or may not be true but of course you’ve also that it never even happened.

Ricky: “The day I give you a blowjob that kid in the garden is probably gonna walk on the moon and say summat about giant leaps”

Steve Laughs

Karl: But, um, yeah you must have heard the thing that it never actually happened?

Steve: Yes, we’ve all heard it, we’ve all dismissed it as nonsense.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: And moved on!

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: And got on with out lives.

Ricky: Right, Karl,

Karl: What?

Karl: Shall we do White Van Man?

Steve: You didn’t, you didn’t prepare me for that, we better play a track and I’ll fish out the newspaper and stuff.

Ricky: Oh, this is a good little, a good litte um, bootleg track from um, Meats and Poultry , yeah? They’ve mixed, um, “A” with “OutKast”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ‘Course.

Steve: Is it highly illegal?

Ricky: It is.

Steve: So people shouldn’t rush to their tape machines now and press play and record.

Ricky: OK, so what ever you do just don’t record this now, don’t say anything.

Song: Nothing Ms. Jackson - Meats and Poultry

Shout Out

Song: The Flaming Lips – Race for the Prize

Steve: The Flaming Lips and Race for the Prize, just playing that Rick for everyone who emails us in, we get a lot of emails every week but er we obviously don’t really respond to them because we’re very lazy people. But er we obviously appreciate it. And I played that particularly for er Claire who’s emailed in saying that her friend Sarah Prosser would like some Beatles. We’re not gonna play The Beatles this week but er Sarah apparently loves us more than words can express.

Ricky: More than Karl could express.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: I’m gonna stop you there Steve ‘cause I want some adverts…

Adverts

The Way I See It

Song: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Spread Your Love

Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Spread Your Love on XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Mitchell and now its Karl’s bit. Its Karl’s…It’s the re-education of Karl. He’s like Liza Doolittle and now he’s er coming through…or Lawnmower Man if you’ve seen that film. More like Lawnmower Man if you’ve seen the film you’ll know what I mean. Um, er and er he’s homework was to, just to study quotes really on, on happiness and stuff and general well being. He’s not a big happiness um, quote fan are you Karl?

Karl: Not really.

Ricky: So what have you done? You’ve come up with something haven’t you?

Karl: Right, yeah I told you right, because a lot of these are just things you say every day, they’re nothing special. Erm, so what I’m doing…

Steve: What so you say them every day?

Ricky: …Yeah!

Karl: Well the sort of things you come out with and you don’t even think about it. D’ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: They’re on the TV all the time, people on the radio saying these sort of little quotes.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And erm, what I’ve done is remember that program on Channel 4, Faking It?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Where they got some like posh kid to be on a door and all that. What I’ve done…I’ve erm…

Steve: Imagine if that was the pitch…for the show?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Dear Channel 4…just gonna get a posh kid on a door or summat?

Ricky: Yeah, come in.

Steve: Yours sincerely, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: TV Producer.

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: So, what I’ve done…This little book of quotes, er happiness quotes, I’ve erm, I’ve picked two that are real.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And I’ve made one up, right.

Ricky: And we’ve gotta guess?

Karl: And you’ve gotta guess which one it is…

Ricky: Okay then, go on then.

Steve: Well I tell you what Rick, why don’t we, when we’ve heard them, we wont confer.

Ricky: No.

Steve: You write down yours, A, B or C.

Ricky: Yep. Yeah. Sure.

Steve: And I’ll write down mine and we’ll see how it goes.

Ricky: Right, okay Karl, off you go.

Karl: Right and just ‘cause I’m, I’m looking at this book, it doesn’t mean I’m actually reading them…

Ricky: No I know. No, no…

Steve: Don’t worry; we’re clever enough to…

Ricky: We can’t see them…

Steve: Sorta like call my bluff!

Ricky: Yeah, go on then.

Karl: “Nothing is worth more than this day.”

Ricky: Okay. Yeah.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: “The way I see it…”

Ricky Bursts and Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh! Oh God! My heads gonna burst!

Karl: No hang on!

Ricky: My heads gonna burst!

Steve: No, no this might not be Karl’s.

Ricky: No, it might not be.

Karl: How do you know I haven’t tweaked them a little bit?

Ricky: Yep, good point, no, good point.

Karl: “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

Ricky: Yep, okay.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Alright, yeah.

Karl: Okay, hang on, that’s right, yeah…

Steve: Come on…

Karl: “… Cat food…”

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Cat food, come on…

Karl: “…it stinks a bit, but, if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.”

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Steve! Steve! I don’t know what to say!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I don’t know what to say! Imagine this in Faking It, imagine their faces when he says that! Them going, ‘Oh my God!’…Karl, play a song mate.

Steve: We’ll have to confer on this one!

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Song: Blur - Universal

Forrest Gump Was a Bit of a Nutter

Ricky: Universal, by Blur. Well that, that’s just amazing Karl. Just read ‘em again. Two, two were real and one was fake. Go on then.

Karl: Right, er first one: “Nothing is… Nothing is worth more than this day.”

Ricky: Excellent, next one.

Karl: What does that mean?

Ricky: Well, cherish, cherish now, cherish your time.

Karl: Okay.

Ricky: ‘Cause you er can’t get it back and you know…

Karl: Yep, that’s the way I saw it.

Ricky: And Carpe Diem or whatever it is, seize the day and all that.

Karl: Okay. “If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.”

Ricky: Yeah, of course, yeah. Rough with the smooth, you know, it’s not all plain sailing but, you know, a rainbow’s beautiful but it come because of the rain which you might not like so…

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: …make the most of everything and…yep, good.

Karl: Yep…“…Cat food doesn’t smell good, but, if you don’t put up with it, then the little kitten will die.”

Ricky: Right! Now Karl, that is a good effort, now that one’s yours, I mean, obviously, right?

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Right, no, no! But it’s a good effort, right.

Steve: I mean it slipped seamlessly into the others.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Don’t think it didn’t!

Ricky: No but it, it’s good. I mean we knew it was, we knew it was that one, but um, what I will say is it’s good, but what you don’t know, maybe subconsciously, is I mean it, it’s…very similar to er, the ‘putting up with the rain and the rainbow’. But that’s good.

Karl: Why? Why do you think that?

Ricky: Well…

Karl: What does mine mean?

Ricky: Well, it…well even though it smells bad, it’s good for something.

Karl: Right see I…I didn’t look at it like that.

Ricky: What did you look at it at?

Karl: Well I kinda thought…

Steve: Was yours more specifically about cat food, generally?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: ‘Cause you know normally they’re like, it’s an analogy.

Ricky: Yeah, or a metaphor for something, you know much bigger…

Karl: Well, no, they way I see it…

Steve: Dolly Parton I think did the rainbow rain thing and she wasn’t specifically concerned about weather conditions.

Ricky: No.

Steve: It was a sort of general idea.

Karl: Yeah, yeah well that’s what I’ve done.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I’ve used an everyday thing.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And put it with today’s problems, right.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: So like, erm, my girlfriend, yeah. Erm, she might like to go shopping for clothes, and I hate it.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: But, because I, because I love her, I put up with it.

Ricky: Aaah that’s nice.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So you, you love that little kitten, you can’t stand the smell of the stuff you’ve gotta feed it, but because you love it, you go, ‘well you know, I’ll put up with this just for a few minutes and then I can like squeeze it’s head later and give it a little…’

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Can we, can we go back?!

Karl: You know, stroke its head and stuff.

Ricky: Oh right!

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Sorry that was a bit of a slip wasn’t it?

Steve: Squeeze its little head!

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Yeah but that’s just a thing that I do with cats…

Steve: Put it in a bag and drown it in a lake…

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I can feed it and then I can throw it against the wall.

Steve: Exactly!

Karl: See you didn’t see it like that did ya?

Ricky: No that’s very good. So it’s about love is it? It’s about putting up with the bad things, for something you love?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Well that’s nice then…

Steve: But, but, but, Karl, you seem now to be convinced and rather smug that you’ve tricked us and that you’ve fooled us and we didn’t understand it. Well I say that’s your fault and not ours!

Karl: No it’s not though! I mean look at that man in Forrest Gump, he was a bit of a nutter…

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: A bit of a nutter!

Karl: Well he came up with the ‘life is a box of chocolates’ thing. Now if that was in this book, you’d say ‘Oh yeah, brilliant, you know, good bit of work’. But if he was sat here doing the show with ya.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You’d be taking the mickey out of him.

Steve: Sometimes I feel he is!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: No but Karl, I could, I could…in fact, people out there, we’re too lazy, could you write down Karl’s ever said? ‘Cause I think that we could publish that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He said one today, he saw my um er salamander, it’s not a euphemism, he saw my salamander and it’s just sitting there in the tank…

Steve: Your exotic pet?

Ricky: Yeah and he’s worried about there not being a lid on and he said, I went ‘what you on about’ and he said, he said, well, he said ‘it sits there for twenty four hours a day, obviously planning to get out.’

Steve Laughs

Karl: It’s got nothing else on it’s mind and it, the daft thing is it has actually got the like the lid ripped up a little bit, like. It’s got nothing else to think about.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: And it’ll be looking up there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it’s going to get out.

Steve: But what’s the worst that could happen, Karl?

Ricky: What’s it thinking? What do you think it is thinking this salamander?

Steve: It’s got its eye on the DVD player?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I can have it and be down the market.

Karl: Well…

Ricky: Oh, Oh god!

Karl: Are they dangerous?

Ricky: Can I just say something?

Steve: Are they dangerous!

Ricky: I think the salamander’s thinking exactly the same things as you. I mean to look at you you’ve got the same expression on your face, you know what I mean? Er, you’re dressed in green as well, it’s…you’ve got a round sort of hamburglar type head like the salamander, very similar, and yet you, you know…I think you bonded with t didn’t you? You were…

Karl: Yeah but I, I probably would have tried to get out but my little paper round bag would just hang on a corner…

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Listen um, could we have more nepotism on the show.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I know that we er did that earlier with the, er…

Ricky: We haven’t got long have we?

Steve: We haven’t, you know my housemate I was working out with last week to Helen from Big Brother’s Dancercise video.

Ricky: That’s just frightening.

Steve: Yeah, er we’ve, we’ve kinda let that slip a little bit, I’ve gotta be honest, but anyway, he’s joined this band, they’re called er Fujiya & Miyagi, slightly difficult to pronounce, but anyway, this is a track that I think has been getting some play by er Nick Luscombe and John Kennedy on XFM, they got a gig this week at The Pool on Curtain Road, er that’s, 18th of April, Thursday, er let's play it Karl…

Ricky: Can I just say I’ve got a fridge-freezer for sale, £400 or nearest offer!

Steve Laughs

Song: Fujiya & Miyagi - ?