13 April 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 13 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Stephen Mitchell

Ricky: New Order! And 'Here To Stay'! On XFM 104.9, well we're here stay aren't we Steve?

Steve: True enough.

Ricky: Well for another four weeks anyway then we're off, four more shows, they'll have to 'order'... a 'new'... DJ!

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: Alright?

[Steve Laughs]

Steve: That was genius!

[Ricky Laughs]

Ricky: Eh? Oh I'm Ricky Gerv-

Steve: -It's as simple as that!

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Mitchell-

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: -and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: ...Ah man!

Ricky: Did anyone read the 'Guardian' yesterday? It was Steve's big ch-, we were interviewed together, Steve-

Steve: I've never been interviewed before in a paper, I've certainly never had my photo in a national newspaper before.

Ricky: We were very excited, we loved the interview. It was talking about our top ten albums between us. We loved it, we talked really fast like... school kids, we were excited. It was a great interview and all the way through, it was Ricky Gervais, with his writing-partner, 'Steven Mitchell'!

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: 'Steven Mitchell', it's not even like 'Merchant'!

Ricky: He phoned me up the night before and he was gutted and I know how he feels, it's awful, and it was big letters and just all the way through, in the caption, and it's just like, 'Oh God!'

Steve: But it's embarrassing, do you know what I mean, it's embarrassing 'cos it's like I was trying to get in the paper, 'I couldn't believe my luck', and then that just draws attention to that fact that I'm not a celebrity-

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: -and consequently they can't even remember my name!

Ricky: But the worst thing was that, one of my favourite albums of all time, I said in there, was 'Blood On The Tracks' by Bob Dylan. I said because, you know, I think one of the most beautiful songs ever is 'If You See Her Say Hello'. And of course these people were sort of transcribing it from, you know, a dictaphone, it came out, um, my favourite song of all time, was 'If You See A Sailor'.

[Steve Laughs]

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: 'If You See A Sailor'! "Ooh, hello!"

[Ricky Laughs]

Steve: "Fruity!"

Ricky: Aww, "Bob Drillboids, um, 'Flap On The Trap' with 'Where's The Sailor Gone To?'"

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: Aww "-With Ricky Gervais and Stevelen Mitchelings!"

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: Aww!

Steve: But I don't know, they must have thought my name was, was Mitchell all along, they obviously never knew-

Ricky: The evidence is there!

[Ricky Laughs]

Ricky: I think they clearly thought...

Steve: It was like [when] they reported in the paper that we had been nominated for a 'Sony', and it said, uh, "Ricky Gervais, who hosts the breakfast show on XFM." And it's that sort of, it's just guessing! It's like, presumably someone's gone "Does he host a breakfast show?" and someone's gone "Yeah." and that's, that's their research done!

Ricky: Yeah, but there was a thing about, um, The Office, "set in Swindon". That's someone going "Just writing about an article about The Office, where's it set?" "Swindon, I think." "Is it? OK, that'll do."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Pathetic-

Ricky: Even we research the show now and again don't we? Even we look things up... well actually people phone in... usually that fella'. What's that fella's name that calls in who's got the website? He's got a funny name.

Karl: Umm,

[Steve Laughs]

Ricky: 'Gaybo' or something.

Karl: James-

Steve: -Phone in if you remember what his name is!

Ricky: Yeah,

Karl: James, James at 'Lose Control'.

Ricky: Yeah, what's his surname though?

Steve: Oh for goodness sake this is just-

Karl: Dunno.

Steve: -going to be interesting to him! And his friends!

Ricky: Oh yeah... Oh yeah!

[Steve Laughs]

Steve: You remember?

Ricky: We better play another record!

Steve: Yes!

Ricky: Coming- aww- tell you what if you-

Karl: -Johnny Mango!

Ricky: Mango, that's it, yeah. Now if you like Elvis Costello's 'Alison', or maybe-

[Steve Laughs]

Steve: -Rick, I do!

[Ricky Laughs]

Ricky: Or maybe Freeze, Freeze, um, 'My Brother Jake',

Steve: One of my favourites!

Ricky: Stay tuned!

Everyone Likes the Smell of Bacon

Ricky: Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies. Good question lads, nobody.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: This is XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais.

Steve: They should print a little book of those.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: They're great. How you can relate any song or artist to anything else.

Ricky: Easy, easy. Well yeah, so me and Karl went out, out for a beer, and it was great wasn't it?

Karl: Yeah, I enjoyed myself, yeah it was good.

Ricky: We started off. And you met my mate Robin didn't you?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And, some of the stories. Do you want to tell Steve some things about Robin that you've learnt?

Karl: Robin. Do you know him well?

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Well erm, do you know about his worm problem as a kid?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Right, he err- what I can remember is, he had worms as a kid. Not sure how you get em' he never answered me. He was getting a bit touchy about it.

Steve: Right.

Karl: This is like the second time I’ve met him, and I think he was a bit annoyed that Ricky told me about his problem.

Ricky: Now straight away, you not being there, instinctively what do you think went on with this story about worms?

Steve: My suspicion-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -is rather like when you told a group of people that Robin had once suckled milk from a cows udder.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: He told me that.

Steve: Did he mention that as well? Yeah. My suspicion is that, like the cow story, the worm story is not true. And Robin-

Karl: But why would he get so sort of, uppity about it?

Ricky: Because its not true.

Steve: Imagine if that wasn't the first time he's done it, imagine if he- he did that every single time, he was with somebody for the first time and Robin was- just met them. He will tell that story to anyone.

Karl: But they do say, there's no smoke without fire.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Poor Robin. I also told him-

Karl: That's a fable.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I also told him, that the way Robin cured these worms-

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: -was because, the doctor told his mother, right? To hold a piece of ham or cheese near Robin's anus, so the worms would come out for the food. And he believed it.

Karl: I'll tell you why though.

Ricky: I said Robin used to sit on SPAM, to try to get the worms out, and he believed it.

Karl: But Steve, right? Do you remember that story about, oh, three or four years ago, where there was some bloke in the army? He went away somewhere, Vietnam or whatever, he was messin' about in the woods, erm-

Ricky: He was messin' about in the woods!

Steve: Shouldn't he have been fighting?

Karl: Whatever, right. And he walked through some lake, and I think he cut his toe, or something, on something, and some worm, of some sort, crawled in the gash-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -and erm, it was in his body, and the doctor said we've got to get this out your body. So, what they did was, they said the thinnest part of something, of your body that things can crawl through, is on the top of your 'ed. So they wrapped-

Ricky: Where the skull is?

Karl: So they wrapped some bacon-

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: No they didn't.

Karl: They did.

Ricky: Oh Right? So it's gone in by the toe, so what we do is: "I tell you what, that worm's probably heading straight for the head, we'll put a bit of bacon on it". The thinnest part of the body? The skull- of course it's not the thinnest part of the body. It's where your brain case isn't it. It's the hardest- the skull?

Karl: There was a reason for it. And it was like they erm, stuck some bacon on his 'ed-

Steve: As ever, the vital piece of information, i.e. the reason, Karl seems to have forgotten.

Karl: Because the worm was in his body and they said, you know, everyone likes the smell of bacon.

Steve Laughs

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah, including worms.

Ricky: Even a worm, even a Vietnamese lake worm, they-

Steve: They love bacon.

Karl: Last week, remember last week when I said about the little fella born with no brain, and you were proved wrong.

Ricky: No no. We were saying it wasn't a little fella. We were saying it was a stillborn child. It wasn't a little fella.

Karl: You're changing it now. You weren’t havin' any of it last week.

Steve: Right, hang on a minute, lets just- I’m getting confused. There was a Vietnamese, there wasn't a Vietnam- There was a Vietnamese snake that went inside a soldier-

Ricky: No, a worm.

Karl: A little, like maggot or some sort- That you have to get out your body cos' it causes problems.

Steve: Yes. So in order to get it out of the body, they strapped bacon to his head.

Ricky: That is great. This doctor-

Steve: And did that work?

Karl: I think so. They had a picture of him smiling.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What the worm or the bloke?

Karl: The bloke.

Karl Laughs

Ricky: Oh dear.

Karl: Honestly, honestly, I hope someone knows the story and I can just-

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It was about three years ago I reckon-

Ricky: OK

Karl: -and erm, yeah it did work.

Steve: GI bacon.

Karl: So this is why- I- when-

Ricky: So the worm burrowed out of his head to get the bacon-

Karl: Get to the bacon.

Ricky: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Steve Laughs

Ricky: That’s great, I love that.

Karl: This is why when Robin was telling his story I was a little bit disappointed if it wasn't true-

Steve: Right.

Karl: -because in a way-

Steve: You know Robins never been to Vietnam?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: No, but what- Do you really think that Robin- as Robin said at the time: "Karl, why would I sit on ham, then tell Ricky Gervais?"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: It's a very good point.

Karl: Because if he was a kid - you do daft things like that as a kid.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It's the telling Ricky Gervais though.

Ricky: Yeah. And then- Aw, bless him.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: And then- Anyway, Robin left and I tried to chase him, but he got away, and he knows I- Yeah. And then we had a few pints and then Karl embarked on some of the greatest stories ever told. Have you- Can you tell the story about your dad?

Karl: Let me run it- I haven't spoke to him all week, so let me run it by him.

Ricky: Ok, play a record.

Karl: Cos, err- you know.

Ricky: What we got?

Karl: We got one of Steve's tunes-

Steve: Well bizarrely enough, this come from the Teachers 2 soundtrack, the soundtrack to the current TV series. There's a slight whiff of nepotism in the air.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rick, would you like to explain why?

Ricky: Well that's why you're doin' it- My girlfriend worked on it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But erm- You were going to play this anyway weren't you?

Steve: Yeah I was actually, I was going to play some 'I am Kloot' and this is from, as I say, the Teachers soundtrack, and this is called 'To You', it's a good track.

Song: I am Kloot - To You

Steve: 'I am Kloot', a track called 'To You', from the teachers soundtrack. That's also got, I notice, the 'Electric Soft Parade', 'The Hives', 'Starsailer', 'Feeder', 'Turin Brakes', 'Smokie Rev' on there. It's a good little collection.

Ricky: Lovely. Karl has just had confirmation- he 's looking smug, cos someone phoned up and went: "It is true, it's a [?] worm, and you wrap bacon on your 'ed." That’s all the bloke knew as well, and his name was Garry.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So I’m not havin' it.

Steve: No.

Ricky: And he said, "See, that’s why the Robin thing, isn't so weird." He said "But when you said he tried it with cheese," he said, "I was havin' none of it."

Steve Laughs

Song: Strokes - Hard to Explain

Mr Freeze

Ricky: 'Strokes', 'Hard to Explain'. Like Karl really.

Steve: Yes. Yes.

Ricky: So, Karl. Concentrate.

Karl: Yeah, go on.

Ricky: So, we'll leave the worm, with the bacon wrapped 'round the head shall we?

Karl: Well, if you’re ever caught in the jungle-

Ricky: Yeah. Always carry some-

Karl: Bit of Danish.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Good advice.

Ricky: Lovely. So, would you like to start on your- to Steve cos I’ve heard all these.

Karl: We won't do 'em all.

Ricky: Well, we'll start off with the Mr Freeze, tell Steve the story of Mr Freeze. This is the first time he nearly died.

Karl: This is the most serious of the lot, really. So- What is was- Do you know, like- Don't know if you mam and dad did the same thing, but like, they'd do their weekly shopping on like a Friday.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So when you got to Thursday, there wouldn't be much stuff left in the cupboard, it would just be like, you know, your Jacobs crackers-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and stuff like that. So when they'd been to the supermarket, and they came back I was like, you know- What's that sayin'? Like a pig in... Yeah, I loved it. It was like leads of food comin' in. Loads of biscuits-

Ricky: He nearly said-

Steve: What is that saying?

Ricky: He nearly said like a pig in shit.

Steve: Ha, right.

Karl: Is that the sayin'?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, so erm, so all this food comes in-

Steve: Thank God he didn't.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I know I’d have been in trouble.

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: Cos, he’s culpable for our actions, cos he's the producer. So technically, that twats in charge. Go on.

Karl: So anyway, so there’s loads of food, and I’m like "Oh, yeah look at this!" And chocolate biscuits, and you know, Penguins and stuff.

Steve: Bacon.

Karl: So- And bacon.

Ricky: Just in case, you never know.

Karl: So erm- So anyway, me mum and dads puttin' the food away, me and our kid are like- He 's already grabbed something and gone back upstairs.

Ricky: Like feral children! It's like the quest for fire, and then they run upstairs! What, did you sit under the bed, gnawing at some sort of pig’s trotter?!

Karl: So I saw- do you remember Mr Freeze pops?

Steve: I do, yes. They're kind of like Popsicles, icicles aren’t they?

Karl: Yeah, but really long- Like, a foot long. So I thought I'll have one of them. So I grabbed it.

Ricky: Went for the nutritious stuff first.

Steve: Absolutely.

Karl: And- Me mam and dad are putting the stuff away and what 'ave you- And I rip it open and knock it back, straight away, just right back.

Steve: Swallow it straight away.

Karl: But it went down the wrong way. Right?

Steve: What, down your shirt?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: So I was like "Oh God"- can't breathe and me mam and dad didn't even know what I’d 'et. Do you know what I mean? I 'et it so quick.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I’m sort of tapping my mam on the back going- And she’s going "Oh God" 'cos he's choking again because I was always choking.

Steve Laughs

Ricky Laughs

Karl: One thing- I don't know if I’ve got like a small throat

Ricky Laughs

Karl: But even Ricky knows I can't drink that much can I?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know-

Steve: Or eat pebbles!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: I'm not a quick drinker. I'd always- I think I’m scared of like - swallowing stuff.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And it was like bottle tops and mint imperials and stuff. I was always choking on stuff.

Steve: God!

Karl: So, anyway, it was like: what's he picked up and 'et now?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Drop It! Drop it! Hit his nose with a stick!

Karl: So I was going- and choking. At this point me dad had like- I think he'd put his share away, you know his food away.

Ricky: His share! I love it!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: He'd gone to watch like, Winner Takes All or whatever-

Steve Laughs

Karl: -in the lounge. I was in the kitchen and I was starting to like- I didn't care anymore. You know what I mean? I hadn't- I just got to that point where I wasn't struggling anymore.

Steve: You just thought, "I'm done for."

Karl: So I’m falling to the ground, and me mams going, you know, "Get in here, I think it's serious!" And me dad comes in and sort of starts shouting at me, sort of sayin' "That's what you get for being greedy." He didn't even know what I’d eaten.

Steve: Well it was the moment to teach you a lesson certainly!

Karl: So he's there like that and me mams going "Oh, look at him!" And me lips were going purple, and me eyes were rolling into the back of me 'ed.

Ricky: You looked like Maralin Manson.

Karl: And- So anyway she grabbed me from behind and did that fireman thing.

Steve: The Heimlich manoeuvre?

Karl: And winded me, and it came up, and I was alright.

Steve: What the whole Popsicle came flying back out?

Karl: I don't- You see, that's what I don't understand. 'Cos there was nothing there-

Shout Out

Song: The Flaming Lips – Race for the Prize

Steve: The Flaming Lips and Race for the Prize, just playing that Rick for everyone who emails us in, we get a lot of emails every week but er we obviously don’t really respond to them because we’re very lazy people. But er we obviously appreciate it. And I played that particularly for er Claire who’s emailed in saying that her friend Sarah Prosser would like some Beatles. We’re not gonna play The Beatles this week but er Sarah apparently loves us more than words can express.

Ricky: More than Karl could express.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: I’m gonna stop you there Steve ‘cause I want some adverts…

Adverts

The Way I See It

Song: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Spread Your Love

Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Spread Your Love on XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Mitchell and now its Karl’s bit. Its Karl’s…It’s the re-education of Karl. He’s like Liza Doolittle and now he’s er coming through…or Lawnmower Man if you’ve seen that film. More like Lawnmower Man if you’ve seen the film you’ll know what I mean. Um, er and er he’s homework was to, just to study quotes really on, on happiness and stuff and general well being. He’s not a big happiness um, quote fan are you Karl?

Karl: Not really.

Ricky: So what have you done? You’ve come up with something haven’t you?

Karl: Right, yeah I told you right, because a lot of these are just things you say every day, they’re nothing special. Erm, so what I’m doing…

Steve: What so you say them every day?

Ricky: …Yeah!

Karl: Well the sort of things you come out with and you don’t even think about it. D’ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: They’re on the TV all the time, people on the radio saying these sort of little quotes.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And erm, what I’ve done is remember that program on Channel 4, Faking It?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Where they got some like posh kid to be on a door and all that. What I’ve done…I’ve erm…

Steve: Imagine if that was the pitch…for the show?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Dear Channel 4…just gonna get a posh kid on a door or summat?

Ricky: Yeah, come in.

Steve: Yours sincerely, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: TV Producer.

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: So, what I’ve done…This little book of quotes, er happiness quotes, I’ve erm, I’ve picked two that are real.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And I’ve made one up, right.

Ricky: And we’ve gotta guess?

Karl: And you’ve gotta guess which one it is…

Ricky: Okay then, go on then.

Steve: Well I tell you what Rick, why don’t we, when we’ve heard them, we wont confer.

Ricky: No.

Steve: You write down yours, A, B or C.

Ricky: Yep. Yeah. Sure.

Steve: And I’ll write down mine and we’ll see how it goes.

Ricky: Right, okay Karl, off you go.

Karl: Right and just ‘cause I’m, I’m looking at this book, it doesn’t mean I’m actually reading them…

Ricky: No I know. No, no…

Steve: Don’t worry; we’re clever enough to…

Ricky: We can’t see them…

Steve: Sorta like call my bluff!

Ricky: Yeah, go on then.

Karl: “Nothing is worth more than this day.”

Ricky: Okay. Yeah.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: “The way I see it…”

Ricky Bursts and Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh! Oh God! My heads gonna burst!

Karl: No hang on!

Ricky: My heads gonna burst!

Steve: No, no this might not be Karl’s.

Ricky: No, it might not be.

Karl: How do you know I haven’t tweaked them a little bit?

Ricky: Yep, good point, no, good point.

Karl: “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

Ricky: Yep, okay.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Alright, yeah.

Karl: Okay, hang on, that’s right, yeah…

Steve: Come on…

Karl: “… Cat food…”

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Cat food, come on…

Karl: “…it stinks a bit, but, if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.”

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Steve! Steve! I don’t know what to say!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I don’t know what to say! Imagine this in Faking It, imagine their faces when he says that! Them going, ‘Oh my God!’…Karl, play a song mate.

Steve: We’ll have to confer on this one!

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Song: Blur - Universal