16 February 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 16 February 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

White Van Karl

Ricky: Air. "Don’t Be Light." Xfm 104.9. Five to two…

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky and Steve: Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: With me…

Ricky and Steve: Stephen Merchant.

Ricky: Smerch…

Steve: Smerch.

Ricky: The Smerch.

Steve: The Smerch.

Ricky: And, the K-Man. KP, Karl Pilkington, the K-Man.

Steve: Pressing the buttons.

Ricky: Yeah. See that in Heat this week?

Steve: What was it?

Ricky: About the campaign to stop Karl going back to Manchester—you know ‘cause he’s a miserable sort of Northerner, goes “London’s crap and I wanna go back up north.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And “I, I only need forty quid a week to live up there like a king. And all that sort.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Rubbish. Right? Well ah uhm uh… Boyd from Heat, uhm probably met him at the uhm, that awards ceremony.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: And uh he was saying about “Oh yeah he’s brilliant” he enjoys Karl—he’s getting a lot of—people like Karl.

Steve: A lot of people love him. They love him.

Ricky: And I was going “Yeah but he’s thinking of leaving,” and he was going “Aww, I’ll s—start a campaign” and he did, he p—put it in there. So the campaign—so write in if you like Karl. If, if, if you think he’s really annoying, then we’ll stop talking to him.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But I mean I like him.

Steve: I love him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Have you ever read the uh White Man, the White Van Man column in the Sun, Karl?

Karl: I’ve seen it.

Steve: Are you familiar with it? This is where everyday in the Sun they interview a guy who drives a, a van, a white van just, you know, in order to get the kind of voice of the man on the street in the paper. And he has to answer, or just give his opinions really on uh events that have made the news each week. Just thought we could maybe throw some of these at you, Karl.

Karl: Go on.

Steve: ‘Cause we know—just to see what your views are.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So uhm just the first thing that comes into your mind, the sort of—your initial reaction, to these uh…

Ricky: Just talk about these, you don’t need to know about them, it’s just your philosophy on it, so, you know.

Steve: Yeah, it’s just your views.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I have had a few days off this week, remember, so I don’t know what’s going on in the world.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, you—I mean, you stayed in London though, didn’t you? You didn’t travel.

Ricky: You didn’t bury yourself, did you?

Karl: I normally see the news but I didn’t… this week.

Steve: Okay. Uhm, so what are your view—what was your view on Will Young beating Gareth Gates in the final of Pop Idol?

Karl: Don’t like him. You know what I was thinking about when I was watching it all the way through?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: How he looks like he’s got a wire coat hanger in his gob.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That sort of…

Ricky: Again it’s radio, Karl. It’s a great face…

Steve: A funny face you’re pulling…

Ricky: Yeah, uhm, you know, but, you know, a radio…

Steve: And is that—that’s a problem for you, is it?

Karl: And just the way he’s from a really rich family. I opened up the paper on a Monday or something and it had like how he went to a posh school and he’s got loads of money already.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It’s just a bit…

Ricky sighs

Ricky: Okay. Well…w—what’s the second question?

Steve: Uhm… there’ve been huge rises in street crime especially muggings and carjackings, what’s your view there?

Karl: More youth clubs are needed, aren’t they?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You think more youth clubs?

Ricky: I like that.

Steve: No, okay.

Ricky: No, I like that because it’s so 1950’s.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s sort of like he wants a bobby on the beat that’ll clip you ‘round the ear.

Steve: So once they’ve come out of national service…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. No, I love that and if, and if you find someone smoking a wood pipe you make ‘em smoke fifty.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Oh, this is great. That is great.

Steve: Did you, did you use to go to uh youth clubs?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And they, they kept you out of trouble?

Karl: Uh, used to get into a fight afterwards when we came out.

Steve: Sure, but for the sort of hour and a half you were there…

Karl: You had a bit of pool and some boxing and… a bit of pop.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So more, more youth clubs, that’s good.

Ricky: I love him. I love him. If you’re at home ju—just make notes ‘cause this is brilliant stuff, honestly, you won’t hear more honest, from-the-heart—

Steve: Exactly, opinions.

Ricky: —stuff than this. This is great. Go on.

Steve: This is not pre-planned, this is really your direct responses now that you’re giving…

Ricky: Oh I promise you, Karl did not know what we were gonna d—he never knows what we’re gonna do and… he always answers honestly, that is the beauty of Karl.

Steve: What is your view—

Ricky: It’s not an act.

Steve: What is your view, Karl, on New York’s former mayor becoming Sir Rudy Giuliani? Sir Rudy Giuliani?

Karl: Is he happy with it?

Ricky laughs

Steve: He appears to be pleased with it.

Karl: Let it go ahead.

Steve: Fair enough then.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Let it go ahead! Oh it’s genius.

Steve: Okay, uhm…

Ricky: “Is he happy with it?” He’s like your nan.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. What do you make of Michael Grecco’s character Beppe being axed from “Eastenders”?

Karl sighs

Steve: Problem for you?

Karl: The whole soap thing, whats-it’s back in “Coronation Street,” isn’t she? Uh, what’s her name?

Ricky: Who?

Karl: ___. She thought she’d go off and be a bigger star…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: All went wrong, and now she’s coming back.

Ricky: Yeah. Always happens, doesn’t it?

Karl: Beppe will be back.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No one really cares.

Steve: Sure. Sure. Well the final one—

Karl: What’s the van reply, what’s the guy in the…

Steve: White Van Man says uh, “Obviously they feel the character’s run its course…”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “But I think he’s a pretty good actor and I can’t understand why.” I mean, obviously there’s a White Van Man there who’s also got an opinion on script development.

Ricky: The Blue Line.

Steve: The Blue Line, yeah, the Blue Line of the soap opera.

Ricky: The twelve-week narrative, the arc really show itself up.

Steve: Two last ones I want your opinion on here. What do you make of a cat cloned in a secret 2.5 million research project?

Karl: To find out what?

Steve: If they can clone cats. Yeah.

Karl: Have they had to hurt it?

Steve: Sorry?

Karl: Have they had to sort of hurt it to do that?

Steve: Have they had to hurt it?

Karl: Or is it just scraping its tongue for some stuff?

Steve: I think the cat’s fine, the point is that they’re cloning a, another creature which is potentially very dangerous. Have you seen that film where they bring Hitler back?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That cat, what if that cat turned out to be a world dictator?

Steve: Exactly. What do you reckon of cloning generally, Karl, you’re concerned about it?

Ricky: What do you think of cloning for organs, you know, they grow ‘em for the, you know…

Steve: Do you know what cloning means?

Karl: Yeah, it’s when you like make something else that’s the same, innit?

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah, I mean it’s not gonna do any harm.

Steve: Okay. And uh, and finally…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He’s great. Put him on the World Council.

Steve: And finally, what do you make of some city workers who were caught bonking in the glass lifts of the Lloyd’s Building?

Karl: What do I make of it?

Steve: Yeah. Is that a problem for you, do you think that’s unprofessional?

Karl: Was it the lunch break or…

Ricky laughs

Steve: I think it was lunch break.

Ricky: It was their own time…

Steve: It was their own time, fair enough. It only takes 45 seconds to go from the bottom to the top, is that a problem?

Karl sighs

Steve: They moved quickly, they acted, you know, on instinct. You think fair enough, if that’s their natural instincts, and they’re both consenting you think, fine.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay. Thanks very much, Karl.

Ricky: Thanks very much, Karl.

Steve: We’ll have more of Karl’s world-weary opinions next time on the show. Listen, I want to play A Track That I Love.

Ricky: I, I, I can’t wait for this track, it’s by a great band, just gonna do—before Steve does this, coming up we’re gonna give away a great game. I’ve—I’m sort of clearing out my flat, we’ve tidied up—we’ve got, you know, a lot of junk there, and uh we’re gonna give away a great game coming up—you’ve seen it, Steve, you’re excited…

Steve: I’m looking forward to it. It’s a board game.

Ricky: It’s a board game, it’s a board game that we’re all gonna sign. It’s gonna be signed by Gerv, Smerch, KP the K-Man. So you could win that.

Steve: From the classic album “Copper Blue” by Sugar, listening to it again recently, reminded how good it was, this is the classic track “Hoover Dam.” Play it.

Song: Sugar – Hoover Dam