16 February 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 16 February 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

White Van Karl

Ricky: Air. "Don’t Be Light." Xfm 104.9. Five to two…

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky and Steve: Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: With me…

Ricky and Steve: Stephen Merchant.

Ricky: Smerch…

Steve: Smerch.

Ricky: The Smerch.

Steve: The Smerch.

Ricky: And, the K-Man. KP, Karl Pilkington, the K-Man.

Steve: Pressing the buttons.

Ricky: Yeah. See that in Heat this week?

Steve: What was it?

Ricky: About the campaign to stop Karl going back to Manchester—you know ‘cause he’s a miserable sort of Northerner, goes “London’s crap and I wanna go back up north.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And “I, I only need forty quid a week to live up there like a king. And all that sort.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Rubbish. Right? Well ah uhm uh… Boyd from Heat, uhm probably met him at the uhm, that awards ceremony.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: And uh he was saying about “Oh yeah he’s brilliant” he enjoys Karl—he’s getting a lot of—people like Karl.

Steve: A lot of people love him. They love him.

Ricky: And I was going “Yeah but he’s thinking of leaving,” and he was going “Aww, I’ll s—start a campaign” and he did, he p—put it in there. So the campaign—so write in if you like Karl. If, if, if you think he’s really annoying, then we’ll stop talking to him.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But I mean I like him.

Steve: I love him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Have you ever read the uh White Man, the White Van Man column in the Sun, Karl?

Karl: I’ve seen it.

Steve: Are you familiar with it? This is where everyday in the Sun they interview a guy who drives a, a van, a white van just, you know, in order to get the kind of voice of the man on the street in the paper. And he has to answer, or just give his opinions really on uh events that have made the news each week. Just thought we could maybe throw some of these at you, Karl.

Karl: Go on.

Steve: ‘Cause we know—just to see what your views are.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So uhm just the first thing that comes into your mind, the sort of—your initial reaction, to these uh…

Ricky: Just talk about these, you don’t need to know about them, it’s just your philosophy on it, so, you know.

Steve: Yeah, it’s just your views.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I have had a few days off this week, remember, so I don’t know what’s going on in the world.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, you—I mean, you stayed in London though, didn’t you? You didn’t travel.

Ricky: You didn’t bury yourself, did you?

Karl: I normally see the news but I didn’t… this week.

Steve: Okay. Uhm, so what are your view—what was your view on Will Young beating Gareth Gates in the final of Pop Idol?

Karl: Don’t like him. You know what I was thinking about when I was watching it all the way through?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: How he looks like he’s got a wire coat hanger in his gob.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That sort of…

Ricky: Again it’s radio, Karl. It’s a great face…

Steve: A funny face you’re pulling…

Ricky: Yeah, uhm, you know, but, you know, a radio…

Steve: And is that—that’s a problem for you, is it?

Karl: And just the way he’s from a really rich family. I opened up the paper on a Monday or something and it had like how he went to a posh school and he’s got loads of money already.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It’s just a bit…

Ricky sighs

Ricky: Okay. Well…w—what’s the second question?

Steve: Uhm… there’ve been huge rises in street crime especially muggings and carjackings, what’s your view there?

Karl: More youth clubs are needed, aren’t they?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You think more youth clubs?

Ricky: I like that.

Steve: No, okay.

Ricky: No, I like that because it’s so 1950’s.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s sort of like he wants a bobby on the beat that’ll clip you ‘round the ear.

Steve: So once they’ve come out of national service…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. No, I love that and if, and if you find someone smoking a Woodbine you make ‘em smoke fifty.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Oh, this is great. That is great.

Steve: Did you, did you used to go to uh youth clubs?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And they, they kept you out of trouble?

Karl: Uh, used to get into a fight afterwards when we came out.

Steve: Sure, but for the sort of hour and a half you were there…

Karl: You had a bit of pool and some boxing and… a bit of pop.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So more, more youth clubs, that’s good.

Ricky: I love him. I love him. If you’re at home ju—just make notes ‘cause this is brilliant stuff, honestly, you won’t hear more honest, from-the-heart—

Steve: Exactly, opinions.

Ricky: —stuff than this. This is great. Go on.

Steve: This is not pre-planned, this is really your direct responses now that you’re giving…

Ricky: Oh I promise you, Karl did not know what we were gonna d—he never knows what we’re gonna do and… he always answers honestly, that is the beauty of Karl.

Steve: What is your view—

Ricky: It’s not an act.

Steve: What is your view, Karl, on New York’s former mayor becoming Sir Rudy Giuliani? Sir Rudy Giuliani?

Karl: Is he happy with it?

Ricky laughs

Steve: He appears to be pleased with it.

Karl: Let it go ahead.

Steve: Fair enough then.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Let it go ahead! Oh it’s genius.

Steve: Okay, uhm…

Ricky: “Is he happy with it?” He’s like your nan.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. What do you make of Michael Grecco’s character Beppe being axed from “Eastenders”?

Karl sighs

Steve: Problem for you?

Karl: The whole soap thing, whats-it’s back in “Coronation Street,” isn’t she? Uh, what’s her name?

Ricky: Who?

Karl: ___. She thought she’d go off and be a bigger star…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: All went wrong, and now she’s coming back.

Ricky: Yeah. Always happens, doesn’t it?

Karl: Beppe will be back.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No one really cares.

Steve: Sure. Sure. Well the final one—

Karl: What’s the van reply, what’s the guy in the…

Steve: White Van Man says uh, “Obviously they feel the character’s run its course…”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “But I think he’s a pretty good actor and I can’t understand why.” I mean, obviously there’s a White Van Man there who’s also got an opinion on script development.

Ricky: The Blue Line.

Steve: The Blue Line, yeah, the Blue Line of the soap opera.

Ricky: The twelve-week narrative, the arc really show itself up.

Steve: Two last ones I want your opinion on here. What do you make of a cat cloned in a secret 2.5 million research project?

Karl: To find out what?

Steve: If they can clone cats. Yeah.

Karl: Have they had to hurt it?

Steve: Sorry?

Karl: Have they had to sort of hurt it to do that?

Steve: Have they had to hurt it?

Karl: Or is it just scraping its tongue for some stuff?

Steve: I think the cat’s fine, the point is that they’re cloning a, another creature which is potentially very dangerous. Have you seen that film where they bring Hitler back?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That cat, what if that cat turned out to be a world dictator?

Steve: Exactly. What do you reckon of cloning generally, Karl, you’re concerned about it?

Ricky: What do you think of cloning for organs, you know, they grow ‘em for the, you know…

Steve: Do you know what cloning means?

Karl: Yeah, it’s when you like make something else that’s the same, innit?

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah, I mean it’s not gonna do any harm.

Steve: Okay. And uh, and finally…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He’s great. Put him on the World Council.

Steve: And finally, what do you make of some city workers who were caught bonking in the glass lifts of the Lloyd’s Building?

Karl: What do I make of it?

Steve: Yeah. Is that a problem for you, do you think that’s unprofessional?

Karl: Was it the lunch break or…

Ricky laughs

Steve: I think it was lunch break.

Ricky: It was their own time…

Steve: It was their own time, fair enough. It only takes 45 seconds to go from the bottom to the top, is that a problem?

Karl sighs

Steve: They moved quickly, they acted, you know, on instinct. You think fair enough, if that’s their natural instincts, and they’re both consenting you think, fine.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay. Thanks very much, Karl.

Ricky: Thanks very much, Karl.

Steve: We’ll have more of Karl’s world-weary opinions next time on the show. Listen, I want to play A Track That I Love.

Ricky: I, I, I can’t wait for this track, it’s by a great band, just gonna do—before Steve does this, coming up we’re gonna give away a great game. I’ve—I’m sort of clearing out my flat, we’ve tidied up—we’ve got, you know, a lot of junk there, and uh we’re gonna give away a great game coming up—you’ve seen it, Steve, you’re excited…

Steve: I’m looking forward to it. It’s a board game.

Ricky: It’s a board game, it’s a board game that we’re all gonna sign. It’s gonna be signed by Gerv, Smerch, KP the K-Man. So you could win that.

Steve: From the classic album “Copper Blue” by Sugar, listening to it again recently, reminded how good it was, this is the classic track “Hoover Dam.” Play it.

Song: Sugar – Hoover Dam

Not Even Welephant Was Elephantastic

Song: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl

Ricky: White Stripes. "Fell in Love with a Girl" on Xfm 104.9, it’s 10 past 2. Right, okay, that’s the first hour out of the way. Next hour, Steve, I’ve got a game to give away. As I said I’m sort of cleaning out my flat a little bit and uh we’re going throw away stuff, and I went… “Woah, woah, woah. Don’t throw that away. I can give that away on the show because Xfm don’t give us anything to give away.”

Steve: No.

Ricky: Does anyone care what ‘appens weekends?

Steve: No.

Ricky: There’s people coming in here going, “Aw, he hasn’t turned up,” fiddling with stuff… fire alarms goin’ off… the library—we were looking for a track we played a couple of weeks ago on the same album and it’s gone.

Steve: Yeah, it’s been pinched since we last played it.

Ricky: This is a—I can’t believe it, they’re moving—that’s like a tip out there, and I have to…

Ricky starts to laugh

Ricky: What?!

Steve: No, it is a dismal place, Karl.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It is! It is absolutely… it’s disgusting.

Steve: How many of the DJ’s on this station have won multiple awards like Ricky Gervais?

Ricky: Yeah. How, how—do they know how lucky they are…

Steve: How many of them are double-award-winning?

Ricky: …to have someone of my caliber? I hurt my ankle, didn’t I, moving the chair—I have to m—even move my own chair in here, and I hit my ankle, that’ll teach me not to wear socks.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The socks would’ve just taken out the sting of that…

Steve: I think, I think just walking around barefoot generally is a bad idea in London.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You know there’s the needles, Rick, there’s all sorts of things.

Ricky: I know, although, well… Posh does it in her video, she walks around barefoot.

Steve: Oh you love the video…

Ricky: (sings) “My heart’s got a mind of its own.”

Steve: Ricky absolutely loves the current Victoria Beckham…

Ricky: Yeah. (sings) Duh luh luh luh. I love the sentiment, “My heart’s got a mind of its own,” it’s like, doesn’t matter what I’m thinking in my head, my heart says something else. ‘Course what we did for the last week was change the lyrics.

Steve: Just walking around, for ages…

Ricky: Does anyone else do that? Just going, things like uhm…

Ricky and Steve: (singing) “My wife’s got a cock of her own.”

Ricky: Just things like that and uh…

Steve: Seriously, hours of amusement doing that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Just changing it and…

Ricky and Steve: (singing) “My knob’s got some balls of its own.”

Ricky: We were doing that for a week. Meant to be workin’.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Uhm… yeah.

Steve: Anyway you were gonna give away this game, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, it’s called Doh Nutters, and it’s a game for four players, or two to four players…

Steve: Have you ever played it yourself?

Ricky: Uhm, I watched, we sort of got it for a party and I watched some people, uhm…

Steve: Can I try and sell it to punters who may…

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Steve: (in over-the-top advert voice) “Play the part of a crazy donut-loving elephant in this hilarious game of fun and fast action.”

Ricky: Yeah. You put on a little elephant thing and you have to pull up the… get up the donuts.

Steve: Brilliant. “Can you be the first elephant to get all your donuts on your trunk bef…” Uh, “Be the first one—”

Ricky: Sorry, this isn’t a sex game, by the way, there are no euphemisms there.

Steve: Some of this—it’s a bit slightly damaged, the packaging, that’s why I couldn’t read that.

Ricky: You’re joking.

Steve: Yeah. But don’t worry because you’re not asking much for this, are you?

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: We’ll start at five pounds. Bear in mind it’ll be signed by double-award-winning Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: No, of course it’s free. And uh… uhm, Karl went, “Have you got a question?” I went, “No,” he said uh, “Well, summat about the Elephant Man.”

Steve: Something about the Elephant Man.

Ricky: Yeah, and I went, “Uh yeah. You mean John Merrick,” he went, “Yeah.” He went, “Yeah, summat about that, awful wasn’t it?” I went, “You know what, Michael Jackson actually bid for the skeleton… of that.” And uh he went, “Well would the skeleton be affected?” I went, “It grows, that’s what happens, it’s not…” and he went, “You don’t see any of that about these days, do ya?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: And then he got—I just said, “Save it.”

Steve: Although of course you have to put on these masks when you play Doh Nutters so in a strange way… that looks kind of Merrickesque.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uhm… the game, Rick—I should just tell people listening, is, is elephantastic.

Ricky: Yes, it is!

Steve: It says that on the box…

Ricky: It is elephantastic!

Steve: …so I assume that’s right.

Ricky: It is elephantastic.

Steve: I mean you yourself—can I set a question actually, this is a possible question.

Ricky: Go on. Okay. Shall we sign it first?

Steve: We should sign it but uh… based on the Elephant Man question, obviously, uhm we all know who directed the Elephant Man film, don’t we?

Ricky: Sure. Sure. Parker—no.

Steve: David Lynch.

Ricky: Lynch. ‘Course, yeah.

Steve: But uh do you know who one of the uhm the people that got that film made was, he’s a very famous comedian, it was his production company that got it up—up and roaring. He may have been an executive producer, I think he was even the producer of it. And uh he’s an Americ—, famous American comic. You wouldn’t imagine this was the same guy who was also producing a very serious sober film like “The Elephant Man,” alright, we want to know who was that man.

Karl: It’s a bit hard for that.

Steve: Well, yeah, but I mean, that’ll sure—that’ll separate the wheat from the chaff.

Ricky: Hold on. ‘Ave you seen anything else that’s elephantastic? Not even Welephant was elephantastic, he was Welephantastic.

Steve: Rick, have you, have you got any more tat—ah, memorabilia that you want to give to people…

Ricky: Yeah. Get rid of.

Steve: …’cause I’ve got to say I’ve got…

Ricky: The council won’t take it away.

Steve: I’ve got loads of junk in my house, I’ve got an old fridge freezer in the front garden, anyone’s welcome to come and pick that up anytime, I’ll sign it for ‘em.

Ricky: But what about children climbing in it, that’s not one of those with the handles, is it?

Steve: There’s several children trapped in there at the moment.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: But that’s a sobering lesson to the local council, who won’t come and pick it up.

Karl: It’s a problem, though, innit, ‘cause you can’t just…

Steve: Smash it up, you’re right.

Karl: I don’t know what you’re meant to do.

Ricky: Well listen, right, when I was growing up I remember the council used to charge five pounds or summat to take away, like, cookers and fridges, so my dad used to bury them. Down the bottom of my garden, I don’t know wh—there’s, there’s a cooker, there’s a fridge—there’s a freezer of some sort, there’s a dog and a couple of cats—they were dead, to be fair…

Steve: I’m not saying—I mean, my father’s quite a mean man, as you know… but he, my dad used to do that with dead relatives.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! ‘Cause those funeral parlors take the piss.

Steve: Very very expensive.

Ricky: A funeral can be, you know, up to forty quid.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Whereas a shovel…

Ricky: A shovel, yeah.

Steve: …borrowed off the bloke next door…

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: …that’s a massive saving.

Ricky: And not give them back, to be honest.

Steve: Exactly.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well he’s gonna go soon. What’s he gonna say?

Steve: Okay, to win Doh Nutters signed by Mr. Ricky Gervais and two other blokes you’ve never heard of… “It’s Elephantastic!”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And the question is, what was the famous name, the name of the famous comedian, American comedian…

Ricky: Give out the number, give out the number.

Steve: … that produced uh and had heavy production involvement in the film “The Elephant Man”? The email address is [email protected]. Karl, what’s the uh phone number?

Karl: 08700-800-1234.

Ricky: Right, next up, we’ve had a lot of requests, Karl’s popularity is growing, they wanna hear his uhm his super mega-mix, uh the Britney Spears thing. Big it up, big it up.

Karl: Yeah, it’s good.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: No, tell us, what is it?

Karl: Oh yeah, it’s uh… Mark B & Blade, the vocals of “The Unknown,” over Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”

Steve: Let’s hear it.

Ricky: Play it.

Steve: It’s highly illegal.

Song: Mark B and Blade - The Unknown, Baby (One More Time)

A Couple Of Lads At Our School Had Really Big Heads

Ricky: Go on, then. Back-announce it, Karl, it’s yours. Go on.

Karl: That’s uh Mark B & Blade there, with a bootleg.

Ricky: And what’s it called, you called it summat, haven’t you, you cleverly called it something, what did you call it?

Karl: Uhm…

Sheet of paper rustles

Steve lets out sharp laugh

Karl: Nick this record one more time.

Ricky: Good. Very good.

Steve: Karl Perking—Pilkington there breaking all kinds of copyright rules.

Ricky: Now… coming up we’re gonna be talking a little bit of feng shui, the art of moving things around so it’s better.

Steve: (in breathy voice) The ancient Oriental art of rearranging your living room.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (in breathy voice) The ancient art of don’t sit near a window…

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: (in breathy voice) …’cause you won’t get any money for it.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And we’ve got a li—we’ve got a book…

Steve: We’ll we’ve been exploring feng shui for our own amusement.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. And uh we’re gonna be reading some uh great things.

Steve: This is just good ad—good solid feng shui advice for…

Ricky: I mean, what do you need to know? I mean, just keep those questions coming to us—if you have any question for Karl, don’t forget, that’s an ongoing thing. Anything in the world, any question, personal problems, philosophies on li—it can be out of the… just ask Karl, if you want, you know, just ask Karl. Okay? All right? Karl, you’re up for that, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah, that’s alright.

Ricky: And you’ll give your honest opinion, won’t ya, always.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Should we give away uh Doh Nutters?

Ricky: Oh it’s, it’s wo—it’s been won, who’s won it, Karl?

Karl: Scott, ahm… Hammond.

Ricky: Well done.

Steve: Well done, Scott.

Ricky: He’ll be loving that. He’s probably gonna have a party especially to play Doh Nutters.

Steve: We’ve had a number of right answers but I’m afraid Scott’s the winner, and the question of course was which famous American comedian was heavily involved in the production of the film “The Elephant Man.” It was of course Mel Brooks.

Ricky: Surprising.

Steve: And uh he’s got comical Brooks films…

Ricky: Our first uh… first person that called in, I think was a bit confused, he said, “Is it testicle, testicles?”

Steve: Yeah. Yep.

Ricky: He went, “What?” … He went—he said, “Testicles?”

Karl: What was that illness years ago, right?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: There was uhm a couple of lads at our school.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Had really big heads.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Right.

Karl: And webbed fingers.

Steve: And webbed fingers?

Karl: And…

Ricky: Sorry, wait a minute. Were the—hold on, did you find them in a pond, did they used to be little tadpoles?

Steve: Karl, you’re not confusing your past with an old episode of “Dr. Who,” are you?

Ricky burts out laughing

Ricky: What were they called, these two?

Karl: Aw, I ca—I didn’t mix with them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It was just like…

Ricky: ‘Course not.

Karl: …there was a—nobody thought anything of it at school ‘cause it was like…

Steve: No. Sure.

Karl: …we were used to it…

Ricky: Yeah! It’s the north.

Steve: There goes the creature from the black lagoon again.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! He’s late…

Steve: He’s brilliant at trigonometry.

Ricky: He’s late for double maths.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But uhm… yeah, I didn’t think anything of it.

Ricky: What is it called? What is the disease called where two fellas—are they…

Karl: Not even related.

Ricky: Rubbish!

Karl: Not related.

Ricky: There’s—were you near a nuclear power station when you were growing up?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You weren’t really?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: (whispers) God, that explains some…

Steve: It’s just got a bit heavy.

Karl: Maybe that’s it.

Steve: Hey, talking of uh enormous heads…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You were at the uh the “Pop Idol” final, weren’t you, Rick, you went in there just ‘cause you, obviously Rick’s a huge fan of “Pop Idol,” he really wanted to be there, he wanted to give it support.

Ricky: Quite seriously, there was no irony there, we were having a great time…

Steve: Yeah, he genuinely is a fan of it. And ahm he was, you sort of had photos taken with various people…

Ricky: Yeah, of course.

Steve: …’cause you were a bit drunk and you wanted to have a memento of it, there’s a picture of you with fat man Rik Waller.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: But the best one is a picture of Ricky and his girlfriend with Dr. Fox. Whose head…

Ricky: Is twice the size of mine.

Steve: Of any other head, it’s quite remarkable, I don’t know how he…

Ricky: He’s a lovely bloke, and it was really nice to meet him and everything, but in the—he’s got, he looks like—an immaculate tan and he’s always happy, and he’s, you know, he’s really good…

Steve: It looks in the picture, it looks like someone you might see in a carnival who’s built a huge papier mâché head.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s more like Frank Sidebottom just walking down the road. It’s just incredible.

Ricky: Dr. Fox didn’t used to go to your school, did he, used to hang around with a mate, they were great swimmers.

Steve laughs

Ricky: They were brilliant swimmers. Oh God.

Steve: Have we got another song lined up?

Ricky: Yeah. What were you gonna play?

Karl: Bit of Pharoahe Monch.

Ricky and Steve: Bit of who?

Karl: Pharoahe Monch.

Steve: Let’s hear it.

Song: Pharoahe Monch – Got Ya

Think Before You Place Your Frog

Song: Pharaohe Monch – Got Ya

Ricky: Pharaohe Monch. “Got Ya,” Xfm 104.9. Well, as we promised, some feng shui. Uhm, what do you want to know? Ratio of win—it’s a, it’s a little—it’s one of those little books you see at the sort of like the front desk of like Waterstone’s or Dylan’s or one of those things. And it’s just a, it’s a little guide, it’s uhm… ah should I say what it is? I’m allo—I’m allowed, aren’t I?

Steve: Yeah, you may as well.

Ricky: Lillian Too’s Little Book of uhm… Feng Shui and uh… obviously she can’t go into it in-depth but you get some little… you know.

Steve: Just some little sort of nuggets, I suppose.

Ricky: Yeah, ratio of windows, “The ratio of windows to doors in your rooms should not exceed 3-to-1. Too many windows cause all your luck to seep away.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Obviously. Hello! Ah, “It is also better not to have windows on the wall opposite the door…”

Steve: Is that the case in your place, uh, Karl, ‘cause you may need to, you may have to brick that up when you get back later.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: I always remember ahm… I used to work nights.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Right? And it was when me brother just sort of got kicked out of the army…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And me mum and dad went away on holiday so he was staying with us.

Ricky: He’s gotta write a book, this bloke. You’ve got to write a book, Karl. Go on.

Karl: I came back…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And there was women everywhere. There’s women in every bed in the house. I thought, “Where am I gonna sleep?”

Steve: Had he set up a brothel, what…?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: So… nah, he was a, he was just a bit of a…

Steve: That’s impressive, though, a girl in every single bed, I mean—

Karl: Right so—he was mad, so uhm… I slept in the sofa downstairs…

Steve: Mm.

Karl: And I didn’t sleep that well.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But I’d slept on it before when it was facing a different way.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And I had a good sleep.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: So…

Steve: So for you that’s proved the worth of feng shui.

Karl: Yeah, I think there’s something in it.

Ricky laughs softly

Steve: Did you honestly think there’s something in it, though?

Karl: Yeah I do, yeah.

Steve: Okay, well, just read a few of the others, Rick.

Ricky: Okay, well there’s a whole… it’s, it’s, it’s not—I don’t—I think most people know this one, “Display the three-legged frog for luck.” Uhm… “Look for a three-legged frog. You can buy one from any Chinese supermarket…”

Steve laughs

Ricky: …uh, “and place it in the vicinity of your front door, facing inwards as if it has just come into the house—don’t place the frog facing the door!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Please!

Steve: Come on, people!

Ricky: What--

Steve: Think before you place your frog.

Ricky: I mean… this, this really is… I mea—but, but…

Karl: What’s the last page, ‘cause that’ll be the most important one.

Ricky: Do you reckon?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: The last one, I, I…

Ricky: Ah… the wealth vase, “Make a wealth vase and keep it hidden in your cupboard. It can be made of gold, crystal or gla--,” if, I, can I just say summat, if you’ve got a vase made of gold, you’re probably alright for money anyway.

Steve: Yep, yep. Sure.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: But this is the wealth vase, how do you make the wealth vase?

Ricky: “Fill it with semi-precious stones and with soil taken from a rich man’s garden.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: So just find the soil of a rich man.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Thanks for sortin—

Ricky: This is like bury a piece of steak and the wart will go.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Eye, eye of… tooth of frog. This is—

Steve: Is the one there with the gods, can you find that one?

Ricky: Oh, where’s that one, yeah, I’ll—

Steve: Do you, do you, what do you make of feng shui, Karl?

Karl: I think it’s uh…

Steve: Is it summat you believe in?

Karl: Well like I said I didn’t sleep well on the sofa when it was facing the wrong—

Steve: So for you that’s proof, proof positive.

Karl: Yeah. Gotta get it right, don’t ya?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Ahm, I’d like Karl to read this out.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Do you, do you mind? Read it out. Just read it out loud.

Steve: (Off-mic) Which one?

Ricky: Yeah, the gods, they’re here, right, right? Okay?

Steve: Just read that out, it’s ju—a good bit—

Karl: “Invite the gods…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “…of wealth into your home.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “The Chinese have several gods of wealth…”

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: “…which they display in their homes to attract…” What? “Prospererity.”

Ricky: Prosperity.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Yeah. “My personal favorite… is Tee-sia Chi Yee…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “…who sits on a tiger…”

Ricky chuckles

Steve: He sits on a tiger?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It’s pretty difficult to find this, this fella.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: “If you could use Kan Kung… or the three star gods”—aww, no.

Ricky: Read ‘em out!

Steve: Read out the names of the star gods.

Karl: F-u-k.

Ricky: Read it out! Just read it, it’s—

Steve: He’s a god, he’s a god, he’s a Chinese god.

Ricky: It’s a Chinese god, you’re allowed to say a Chinese god on the radio.

Karl: No, no.

Ricky: You are allowed to say—

Karl: Why do I have to say it? You say it then.

Ricky: Well, it, you, look—you’re so immature.

Steve: Read the three of them out, Rick.

Ricky: Okay. Ahm… “If he is difficult to find, you should use Kwan Kung, or the three star gods, Fuk, Luk and Sau, all of whom bring wealth and prosperity.”

Steve: Now what were the names of the gods again? ‘Cause I just, I wanna—if I’m making a note of it at home, Rick, I better…

Ricky: He’s just, he’s a Chinese god.

Steve: Yeah, it’s, there’s Kwan Kun, or you can use Luk, Sau or…

Karl coughs

Karl: You can’t, Steve.

Steve: What? But it’s a god, F-u-k, that’s how, that’s how it’s pronounced.

Ricky: Yeah, I assume, I don’t know, if we, if we’re pronouncing it wrong I really apologize.

Steve: Apologies. Apologies, if there’s, if we’re offending anyone who’s of an Oriental persuasion. But that’s Kwan Kun, or Luk, Sau or Fuk.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: And any of those gods are available at a Chinese supermarket.

Ricky: Near you.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: That’s feng shui.

Song starts playing

Steve: It’s an ancient art, you can’t—don’t give me that look… (mic fades out)

Song: Clinic – Walking with Thee