16 March 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 16 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Wurzel Comeback

Song: White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl

transcript here

Song: The Strokes - Last Night

Pudding Sponsored by Electrolux

Ricky: Uh, that’s the Strokes, and uh, Last Night. Um, we just had a call, didn’t we. From uh, uh, Johnny Mango.

Steve: Oh yeah, Johnny Mango, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah – the old - The Mangster. Um, and he informed me that one of the Wurzels is dead, and I didn’t know that.

Steve: Yeah, Adge Cutler, he was the lead man, I think.

Ricky: Yeah. Who’s – he said he died the most rock ‘n roll death you can die, he said he was apparently drivin’ on a terrible cocktail of cider and other things presumably,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Apples, and jams. And uh, he crashed into a tractor! No – wh – is that true?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I hope, I hope JM’s not windin’ me up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I hope the Mango boy’s not, havin’ a laugh at me. Is that true. One of the Wurzels died by tractor.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Did he – is that true. So, give us a call. What’s the number again, Karl?

Karl: 08700 800 1234.

Ricky: If so, I’m sorry. I disrepected ‘im. I didn’t, I didn’t know -

Karl: Imagine, if, right, say if like you’re the driver of the tractor,

Steve: Mm.

Karl: And you kill someone and you go, Oh God, I killed someone. And you look and it’s someone famous.

Steve: Yeah. Or Adge Cutler.

Ricky bursts out in laughter

Steve: Yeah, go on. What was your point?

Karl: No, it’s just like,

Steve: Terrifying!

Karl: Not only, it’s like you’ve killed someone, then you look,

Steve: Yeah, I know what you mean, actually, that’s terrifying!

Ricky: What makes it even worse, what makes it even worse, they were rich!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, that’d really be ..

Karl: No, but say if it was someone like big in the world.

Steve: No, that is a good, I quite like that, that is an interesting point, that.

Ricky: Oh that’s your bag. No wonder I can’t find what I’m looking for.

Steve: Oh right, well –

Ricky: As Bono said!

Steve: Did you bring a bag?

Ricky: Yeah! Sorry, I –

Steve: Is that it under there, Rick?

Ricky: Sorry – sorry about this –

Steve: Can we play a record, this is getting a bit sloppy.

Ricky: No, it’s not – nonono –

Steve: No, it IS, Rick it’s sloppy!

Ricky: It’s never got sloppy before! No, I’ve got a list here, ‘cause we went to um, this awards ceremony in the week. Um, we were up for an award,

Steve: Well let me –I have to explain it to Karl. Basically we were up for an award, and it’s the, it’s the TRIC Awards. Now TRIC stands for uh, “Television and Radio Industries” annual awards, right,

Ricky: We’d never heard of it either.

Steve: We’d never heard of it – it’s some kind of, like television/radio industry club.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, that’s the clue!

Steve: So um, we don’t wanna – I’m not tryin’ to slag off people,

Ricky: No!

Steve: There was some big names and they really made an effort, and it was really nice, the food was brilliant, it was at the Grosvenor House Hotel, really nice do, and lots of industry people there, and it was really classy,

Ricky: We got there nice and early, so, you know, we were there for a good 4 hours. It was fun.

Steve: Before we had to sit down. And, but it was just kind of surreal, it was just a big weird, ‘cause it was packed with the cream, literally the cream, big names, you know, Martin Kemp, one of the first people I saw, you know. Came in, big TV/radio industry names, on-screen talent, behind-the-scenes people,

Ricky: John Barnes,

Steve: Barnes was there,

Ricky: Beadle was there,

Steve: Sir Cliff Richard was there,

Ricky: Yeah,

Steve: Right ? Anyway, so the voice comes on says, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the chairman,

Ricky: The president –

Steve: The president of the, the TRIC Awards, and we had to stand up, all these people had to stand up, and give a standing ovation, as he walked to his table, to Tom O’Conner, former presenter of Crosswits.

Karl: You are joking.

Ricky: No.

Steve: He’s the president.

Ricky: And he came out and he told a few gags. Sorta like, it was like, straight away, it was, you know, old school stuff. I want to thank the ladies, ‘cause the, you know, it’s nothin’ without the ladies. All the lovely ladies here. And we’re waitin’ for a joke …. nope. Just thankin’, thankin’ the ladies.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Well you’re forgettin’ that just prior to that, he uh, he said grace.

Ricky: Oh, he said grace!

Steve: Before we ate.

Ricky: Right, it’s me, it was me, Steve, and Ash, our producer, you know the little, um, disabled fella, all right, and he’s, he’s there, in his wheelchair, and there’s me and Steve, we’re, we’re standin’ up, during grace,

Karl: By the way, can I just stop you there.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Saw someone in the week, and, um,

Steve: Sorry, did we bore you?

Ricky laughs

Karl: No – you just reminded me, then about the little producer, who was in the wheelchair,

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Last week you said, Blah blah blah, and our producer who’s in a wheelchair, got a text from someone sayin’ What’s happened to you? They thought you were talkin’ ‘bout me.

Ricky: Oh, really!

Steve: Oh!

Ricky: Oh!

Steve: You’re – you’re handicapped in a different way.

Karl: So go on.

Ricky: And uh, Tom O’Conner, he said, uh, Uh, Thank you, God, for,

Steve: We thought this was a joke, initially, we thought it was going to be like a kind of cheeky gag,

Ricky: That’s why we were laughing out loud.

Steve: That’s why we were laughing raucously.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: But anyway, then he went, Oh, thank you God for this, and, uh, and help those, who walk alone. And Ash went, What about those that don’t walk at all? He said, I’ve never been, I’ve never been left out of grace before!

Ricky giggles

Steve: So we had to, I know we like bowed our heads slightly, and did we say Amen? I know we were sort of, a lot of people did,

Ricky: I’m pretty sure,

Steve: Cliff, probably, chimed in there,

Ricky: Yeah. He sang it.

Steve: And uh, exactly. So um,

Ricky: Like Mariah Carey.

Steve: So anyway, again, you see, what Ricky’s forgetten is, before Tom took to the stage, this guy walks up there, I don’t know who he is, says, There’s a lot of people here this afternoon, you know, it’s a wonderful event, but of course, there’s a load of celebrities as well.

Ricky: He said, Thank you for all the celebrities that have turned up. And then he went, (picks up paper) Table 77, Mr Russ Abbott.

Ricky claps

Ricky: Round of applause. Can we have the spotlight there?

Steve: Russ Abbott, by the way, smoking a pipe. He looked like um, a bit like, uh, Barrett Holmes. The hilarious Sherlock Holmes character.

Ricky: Then he went, Table 107, the cast of Bad Girls. Clap.

Ricky claps

Steve: We all had to clap.

Ricky: Then he went, Table 5, Alice Beer. Clap.

Steve: Slightly smaller clapping.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And it’s, it’s just like, and I thought, when is this gonna –

Steve: He went through every single celebrity in the room.

Ricky: And there were about, you know, 100.

Steve: Table 53, John Inman, everyone! It’s John Inman! Round of applause.

Steve claps

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Table 70, Mr Simon Cowell.

Ricky boos

Steve: Yeah, there was booing there.

Ricky: And they all booed him!

Steve: That was nice.

Ricky: Yeah, it was a joke, ironic booing, I think.

Karl: Did they cheer for Foxy. Was he on a table.

Steve: We didn’t see Foxy.

Ricky: Foxy wasn’t there. He was doin’ his show. When they went up, he won an award, Cowell and, uh, Waterman, and Chapman,

Steve: Table 43, Peter Sissons, everyone. Peter Sissons. Went through every single name, Ricky got so paranoid they might mention him that we, we kind of legged it upstairs and were watching from the balcony as they shone the spot light on our table,

Ricky: Empty chairs!

Steve: And it was empty,

Ricky laughs

Steve: That was particularly fun. But uh, then in the end, Sir Cliff got up there, right, ‘cause Sir Cliff was giving out the um, the lifetime achievement award. Right, he gets up and goes Dadada, this is a personal friend of mine, a 7-days-a-week friend. Lifetime achievement award goes to, Mrs Gloria Hunniford. Right, we immediately start thinking what exactly were her lifetime achievements.

Ricky: I think living that long.

Steve: That’s pretty much it. I don’t know what it is she’s done.

Karl: I can tell you what she does

Steve: I know she does, Radio 2 or everything like that,

Ricky: We’re not dissing her, we’re not dissing anyone!

Steve: No! Good luck to her.

Ricky: We’re not taking the mick out of anyone,

Steve: But anyway, she’s,

Ricky: It was a strange, it was a strange event!

Steve: But Gloria got taken unawares by this, and started to ad-lib a speech. Right, and I swear to God, about 12 minutes in, she was telling us how, and I can tell you now if you’re interested, her lovely daughter Karen, is currently in Australia, it’s partly work it’s partly a holiday, Karl, and she’s havin’ a whale of a time. But she’s not spoken to her for ages!

Ricky: And then she went, she went, Actually she’s been there for a long time,

Steve: Yeah, she’s –

Ricky: And it’slike (mumbles) go, She doesn’t call,

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: You do that, you get on Blue Peter, and this is how she –

Ricky fake cries

Steve: We thought she was gonna get photos out, maybe, start showin’ it – it was just, bizarre.

Ricky: No, it was, it was a nice event, and uh, everyone there, Henry Cooper was there,

Steve: It was good because every single element as well was sponsored by someone,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I was lookin’ at the menu, I’ve got the programme here, and the menu, right, pudding, is sponsored by Electrolux.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Steve: I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a pudding sponsored by,

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Electrolux,

Ricky: I was sponsored by Zanussi.

Karl: When everyone was doin’ the prayers, did you, did you look at ‘em with their eyes shut. Like, like you did at school.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: What do you mean.

Karl: Well, wh – when you had to -

Ricky: Did you look at someone with your eyes shut.

Karl: No, you do that. You do your um, your hands together,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You sort of look at people with their eyes shut, and think that’s what they look like they’re sleeping.

Ricky: Play a record.

Steve laughs

Karl: Didn’t you ever do that?

Song: Cornershop - Lessons Learned From Rocky

Testicles (Absence Of)

transcript here

Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge

Song: Wu-Tang Clan - Uzi

He Rid Ireland of Foxes

transcript here

Song: David Bowie - Sorrow

Took the Literary World By Surprise

Ricky: Sorrow, by David Bowie. I got that on a compilation today but I think... I think that's originally from the Pin Ups album, the one where he did all the covers, because he didn't write that, did he? That was the one with him and Twiggy on the front cover, isn't it?

Steve: Right.

Ricky: I haven't heard that for ages, I haven't got that.

Steve: Sorry, you lost me, I don't know what are you talking about.

Ricky: You're reading a book there?

Steve: No, I'm just reading the brochure there... the programme if you will for the Television and Radio Industries Club awards that we went to, which incidentally, we lost.

Karl: hmm.

Ricky: Yeah, we lost to Linda Green.

Steve: Yeah, we didn't win an award. But you might be interested to know that "Tom O'Connor is in constant demand for corporate functions both here and abroad, and his client list includes many multinational companies. No mean golfer, Tom took the literary world by surprise in 1992, when his first humorous golf book 'From the Wood to the Tees' made the best seller list". I notice it didn't took the literary world by storm, it took it by surprise.

Ricky: They're going "we can't say storm, we gotta say by surprise... from behind"

Steve laughs.

Steve: But umm... "His first book humorous golf book 'From the Woods to the Tee' made the best seller list" I don't know if it's just books about golf, that best seller list "subsequent successful books include ' One Flew Over the Club House'"

Ricky: Brilliant. Genius.

Steve laughs.

}}

Steve: "'Take a Funny Turn', 'Follow me I'm Right Behind You', and 'Eat Like a Horse, Drink Like a Fish'". but...

Karl: Does it mention celebrity squares? Didn't he do that?

Steve:

and

Ricky:

No

Steve: Nah, he did umm... "Name That Tune"

Ricky: Crosswits... Once right, it's uh...

Steve: Crosswits, do you remember Crosswits?

Ricky: It was from the eighties

Steve: It was like a crossword game show.

Ricky: It was often with, umm, Kate Copstick. But I saw one, right, it was on, it was on Challenge TV, and Andy Crane... remember Andy Crane?

Karl: Yup.

Ricky: He was on, he was the link man and he went "Coming on next, Tom O'Connor with Crosswits, with, uh, well, in my opinion one of the best Crosswits players of all time John Junkin"

Steve laughs.

Steve: Who is you favourite Crosswits player Karl?

Ricky: Aw it's gotta be Junkin, but Copstick was alright.

Steve: Barry Cryer is bloody good.

Ricky: Cryer is good, he is good. I watched "Call My Bluff" in the week.

Steve: Is this with Toksvig and Coren?

Ricky: Yeah... It was quite good, I quite enjoyed it.

Steve: I reckon you could actually get on there if you wanted.

Ricky: I used to watch it with uh... What's his name? Frank Muir... Frank Muir. there's my impression.

Steve: You are a brilliant impressionist, because of course when Bowie was playing, you were doing your infamous Bowie impression, which is the best one you do actually.

Ricky: Well that's just because Karl said "You know what?" he said "I'd love to go out for a drink with David Bowie, of all the people who come here for sessions, I think he's really good" and I said "I think he'd like you as well". That's all, and I just went (Doing David Bowie impression) "Hello Karl, you're strange, youre alien. You interest me, myself and Iggy would like to put you on a...". Yeah, and I just imagine you and Bowie in a pub somewhere.

Steve: Isn't that the same impression you do when you are doing Ian Camfield?

Ricky: (Doing Ian Camfield impression) "No, Ian Camfield is more like that"

Steve chuckles.

.}}

Ricky: But not on air, on air he's this, sort of this eloquent forty year-old Capital DJ, and uh...

Steve: Yeah, but when you talk to him in the studio he's a rock legend.

Ricky: He's slowly turning into Tommy Vance, isn't he.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: It's one of his pillars of rock, he loves Vance, Lemmy, Diano.

Steve: If we run out of material later in the show, which is... You know, likely...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Considering we are now talking about Camfield's favourite...

Ricky: We ran out of it at about five past one.

Steve: Exactly, but could I maybe interview you as David Bowie? As a sort of humorous sketch.

Ricky: Yeah. That would be fantastic.

Steve: Maybe it could the idea of like, you know, what if David Bowie was a cab driver, what would he say, what are the sort of funny things that he would say.

Ricky: We saw that! We saw that uhm... What was that in, when it said "Dead Ringers, coming up, if you ever wondered what uhh... It would sound like"

Steve: Dead Ringers is this impressionist show they did... It's on Radio 4 and they did a TV version...

Karl: Yeah, I saw that.

Steve: And what did you make of it?

Karl: I didn't like it.

Song: Travis - Flowers in the Window

She Wasn't Injured!

transcript here

Song: Elliot Smith - Son of Sam

Ask Me Some Stuff On Hitler

transcript here

Song: P.J. Harvey - This is Love

17 Quadrillion Gallons

transcript here

Song: Blur - Girls and Boys

Oh, the Humanity

transcript here

Song: The Hives - ?

Lift Karl, Lift Karl

transcript here

Song: The Beatles - You've Got to Hide Your Love Away

Proving Mrs Matthews Wrong

transcript here

Song: Belle and Sebastian

end