17 January 2004/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 17 January 2004 episode, from Xfm Series 3.

I've Never Kept A Diary

Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded

Ricky: Fortune Faded, by er, Red Hot Chili Peppers on XFM 104.9. With Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington for the last time.

Steve: Yes, we've said that before, of course.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So don't get your hopes up.

Ricky: No. Yeah, we've had some highs, had some lows. Some laughs, some tears. Karl, you concentrating?

Steve: Lots of tears, mainly from the audience.

Ricky: Yeah. Now er, before we get into that, before we get into talking about, maybe some of the hijinks we've had, looking back. Looking forward, as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Er, I came in, Karl was sitting at the desk, he went, "Alright?", I went, "Alright? How you doing?". He went, "Yeah. See that 'Alan Clark Diaries'?", I went, "No, I didn't". He went "Ahh, er, lot of people talking about it. I've never kept a diary. Keeping a diary will always get you into trouble". And I said, "Like Anne Frank". What did you say Karl?

Karl: The woman in the cupboard?

Steve: The woman in the cupboard?

Ricky: And I went, "Save it. Save it".

Steve: Never speak to Karl off air. Save it all-

Ricky: I know.

Steve: -for when we're on the wireless.

Ricky: He went, "But what did she do? What did she do except be in a cupboard? What did she have to write about?". And I said, "Well her thoughts". Do you know Anne Frank?

Karl: That's, that's-all I know about Anne is, there's no point pretending here-

Ricky: Anne!

Karl: -that I know stuff, right? Erm-

Ricky: What does-tell us everything you know about Anne Frank.

Karl: Er, she was in a cupboard.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, what else?

Karl: If she didn't do that I wouldn't know about her, seriously.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That's all I know about her.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So what did she do?

Ricky: But what do you, how do you think we know about-we know about her cupboard because of her book. Don't we?

Steve: But hang on, what, what, in the bigger scheme of things, why was she in a cupboard?

Karl: Er, I, I dunno.

Steve: Right.

Karl: I honestly don't know.

Steve: You don't know anything else about Anne Frank apart from the fact that, to quote you, she was in a cupboard?

Karl: But what's she done then? You tell me. Why should I know more about her?

Steve: Firstly, I don't think she was in a cupboard.

Ricky: She wasn't in a cupboard. She was in an attic.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Yep. Yeah.

Karl: So what was she doing?

Ricky: She was hiding from the Nazis.

Steve: Tidying up.

Ricky: She was hiding from the Nazis.

Karl: But isn't that the first place they'd look, sort of-?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Work from the top down.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Karl, they weren't specifically looking for Anne Frank.

Ricky: They weren't going, "Where is she?"

Steve: "Where's Frankers?"

Ricky: "If she gets that book out we are in deep shit! We've got to stop the book!". They were just looking generally. I think she, she was-what was she, she was thirteen, fourteen?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: She was hiding, she was Jewish and she was hiding, this is in Amsterdam, didn't she?

Steve: As much of her family were having to hide-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -being helped by friends, you know, non-Jewish people.

Ricky: In the cupboard. I mean, the cupboard's, you know-

Karl: And how long, you know, how long did she sort of hide up there for?

Ricky: I dunno-

Steve: Until she was caught.

Ricky: -long enough to write a book.

Karl: So she even got caught after all that?

Steve: What do you mean, "so she even got caught"? We're talking about one of the great, you know, humanist tragedies of our times, and you're going, "She couldn't even stay hidden".

Ricky: What do you mean, "Did she get caught?"

Karl: No, I'm just saying, like, you know, it's not a great tip then is it, do you know what I mean? She didn't do it well, she didn't hide until they escaped it. She got caught.

Steve: Her diaries are not a manual on how to hide from people. It's not how to win at hide and seek.

Karl: But I don't know anything about her. And we might be going down a, some ground that's a bit dodgy, I don't know enough about it, maybe it's best just leaving it. All I was saying is, diaries, what do you do them for? Have you kept one Steve?

Steve: Never kept a diary, no.

Karl: Right.

Steve: I can understand your fear that it might get discovered, someone might read it, find out all about your inner secrets. Course, the good thing about you is you tell everyone what you think about them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, but-

Ricky: Yeah, no-one's going to find a diary and go, "Oh God-"

Steve: "Karl doesn't like my haircut".

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. "Karl thinks I look like Dave Hill from Slade". "Yeah, I told you that, didn't I? I told you that".

Karl: Do you think they'll last though, diaries and that? No, 'cause they were a bit of a time killer weren't they, they were something to do at the end of the day, whereas now there's iPods and that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He's fantastic! The iPod-

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Ricky: -the iPod of Anne Frank. New from Sony, that'd be great wouldn't it? "All her greatest hits! Who can forget-". Oh dear.

Karl: Leave that then-

Ricky: Shall we leave that?

Karl: -I didn't know it was that deep, I thought it was just like a, you know-

Steve: You thought it was like, didn't you-

Karl: -Adrian Mole type thing.

Ricky laughs

Karl: What are we doing?

Ricky: Play a record!

Proclaimers

Song: The Thorns - I Can't Remember

Ricky: Thorns, from my favourite album of last year, that. And er, I Can't Remember. We'll be doing a bit of that, playing some of our favourite songs. We've er, got a couple of requests in fact.

Steve: Oh really?

Ricky: One of them a celebrity request. Matt Lucas from Little Britain, he's listening in.

Steve: Oh yeah?

Ricky: Er, he said, "Is it your last show?", I said, "Yeah", and I said, "Do you want me to play a record?". He went, "Yeah", I went, "What's your favourite group?". Guess Matt Lucas' favourite group. Now remember, him and David are the new darlings of comedy.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They're cool, they're trendy, everyone loves Little Britain. They're comedy geniuses, they're only going to get bigger. What's his favourite group of all time?

Steve: Erm, that is tricky. Er, Level 42.

Ricky: Er, no. Karl, have a guess.

Karl: Well it's going to be something weird isn't it, if you're saying this.

Ricky: Well.

Karl: So, er, how old, how old's the band?

Ricky: Er, they're probably about as old as him.

Karl: How old's he?

Ricky: Oh, Karl, have a guess.

Karl: Abba.

Ricky: No, it's er-why do you say Abba?

Karl: They're good, aren't they?

Ricky: Erm, no, it's The Proclaimers.

Steve: The Proclaimers?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah. And I know he's listening, but-

Steve: I mean there's nothing wrong with The Proclaimers, I just can't imagine anyone getting that excited about them.