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'''NB''' <i>This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show and contains language which may cause offense.</i>
'''NB''' <i>This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show and contains language which may cause offense.</i>
==Mystic Mug==
==Mystic Mug==
{{Ricky|Xfm 104.9, Dandy Warhols, Bohemian Like You, it's the Ricky Gervais show}}
{{Ricky|Xfm 104.9, Dandy Warhols, Bohemian Like You. It's the Ricky Gervais Show.}}{{Steve|With Steve Merchant.}}
{{Steve|With Steve Merchant. }}
{{Ricky|Yeah! Exactly, and Karl, who's turned our microphones on.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah! Exactly, and Karl, whose turned our microphones on.}}
{{Steve|Whay!}}
{{Steve|Whay! Good to see you Karl, good to see you Ricky.}}
{{Ricky|Can’t believe it. Doin’ that.}}
{{Ricky|Cheers, now, in a fun filled and music filled show, we've got music and fun.}}
{{Steve|Good to see you Karl, good to see you Ricky.}}
{{Ricky|Cheers, cheers. Now, in a fun filled and music filled show, we've got music and fun.}}
{{Steve|Yes, looking forward to that.}}
{{Steve|Yes, looking forward to that.}}
{{Ricky|Two hours, solid two hours, there's no gaps.}}
{{Ricky|Two hours, solid two hours, there's no gaps.}}
{{Steve|...There's nothing...}}
{{Steve|There's nothing – there’s no.}}
{{Together|Ricky and Steve|There'll be no dead air.}}
{{Ricky|There'll be no dead air.}}
{{Steve|There will be adverts sometimes..}}
{{Steve|There will be adverts sometimes..}}
{{Ricky|The adverts, yer, but i mean you know, that's what pays our wages innit really.}}
{{Ricky|The adverts, yer, but I mean you know, that's, that’s what pays our wages innit really.}}
{{Steve|Certainly.}}
{{Steve|Certainly. Certainly.}}
{{Ricky|and some of the adverts i think are quite <i>amusing!</i>}}
{{Ricky|And some of the adverts I think are quite amusing!}}
{{Steve|Yer, i particularly like the ones that you're on.}}
{{Steve|Yes! No I think the ones that you're on.}}
{{Ricky|...Yer...Err, we've got um... our hip-hop challenge, we've got song for the lovers, song for the ladies, we've got a film review, so...}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Uh, we've got um... our Hip-Hop Challenge, we've got Song for the Lovers, [[Song For The Ladies]], we've got a [[Ricky's Film Review|film review]], so, just, yeah.}}
{{Steve|Magnificent, had any calls about that rick? had any, maybe Channel 5 onto you?}}
{{Steve|Magnificent, had any calls about that Rick? Any, maybe Channel 5 or someone onto you?}}
{{Ricky|No, there haven't no.}}
{{Ricky|No, there haven't no.}}
{{Steve|That's strange, that's wierd....}}
{{Steve|That's strange, that's weird....}}
{{Ricky|No, but it's, i think it's a bit ahead of itself, because it's very unique. It's a bit out there. Anything caught your eye this week Steve?.}}
{{Ricky|No, no, but it's, I think it's a bit ahead of itself, because it's very unique.}}
{{Steve|Well rick, i know that both you and i, err... are kinda obsessed with these people who beleive in people who believe in, people who can predict the future, or have got contact with the dead..}}
{{Steve|Sure. Sure.}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|It’s not like other -- it's a bit, a bit out there. Anything caught your eye, uh, this week Steve?}}
{{Steve|Or whatever, and, i know Mystic Meg is a bit of a nonsense, but people do take her seriously, and on the cover of <i>The Sun</i> today: Mystic Meg won me 15 million quid..}}
{{Steve|Well Rick, I uh, I know that both you and I are kind of obsessed with these people who believe in, you know, people who can predict the future, or have got contact with the dead or whatever,}}
{{Ricky|Wow!.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Right, and you're thinking, that's a pretty amazing claim, i know that Karl believes in Mystic Meg and all that rubbish, you know. You're thinking, wow, here at last is proof that she has got powers, and you're wondering to yourself, well maybe she predicted the numbers specifically, you know that would be a hell of a....}}
{{Steve|And uh, I know Mystic Meg is a bit of a nonsense, but people do take her seriously. On the cover of The Sun today: Mystic Meg Won Me 15 Million Quid.}}
{{Ricky|Just to him..}}
{{Ricky|Wow!}}
{{Steve|Yer, which is incredible, absolutely incredible. So there's this guy, err "Lottery Mad Tom Nailer", he's a lorry driver, right, he won 15 million quid. He says, um, "I always read my horoscope in <i>The Sun</i> and follow the advice". Err, basically, what Meg said was: "Keep a lottery ticket in a yellow mug, to add luck". So you're thinking, right ok, so he's kept his ticket in a yellow mug, that's still pretty extraordinary...}}
{{Steve|Right, and you're thinking, that's not – that’s a pretty amazing claim, I know that Karl believes in Mystic Meg and all that sort of rubbish, you know. You're thinking, wow, here at last is proof that she has got powers, and you're wondering to yourself, well maybe she predicted the numbers specifically, you know that would be a hell of a --}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|Just to - just to him..}}
{{Steve|Hmm, "I didnt have a yellow mug" says Tom, "So I put it in the pages of my mapbook"... sorry, "I put the ticket in the pages of my map book, which is yellow."!}}
{{Steve|Yeah, which is incredible, which is absolutely incredible.}}
{{Ricky|Right... He's used the yellow, no, he's used the yellow!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Yer, now see i don't know much about how Mystic Meg works, I'm assuming maybe there's some kind of psuedo science that she applies...}}
{{Steve|And so there's this guy, uh, "Lottery Mad Tom Nailer", he's a lorry driver, right, he won 15 million quid.}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|I think if she'd said put it near anything yellow: fine. She said put it in a yellow mug, that's pretty specific, from that he's thought, well i'll ignore Meg's advice, i always do what she says...}}
{{Steve|He says, um, "I always read my horoscope in The Sun and follow the advice". Ah, basically, what Meg said was: "Keep a lottery ticket in a yellow mug, to add luck". So you're thinking, well Ok, he's kept his ticket in a yellow mug, that's still pretty extraordinary,}}
{{Ricky|She's had two sort of like, you know, points of reference there: the descriptive, the yellowness of the object and the object itself and that should be a mug. What's missing in the yellow book is the mugness - it's got lots of bookness, but it wasnt the book that gave him the 15 million.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Mm. "I didn't have a yellow mug," says Tom, "So I put it in the pages of my mapbook"... sorry, "I put the ticket in the pages of my map book, which is yellow”.}}
{{Ricky|Right. He's used the yellow, no, he's used the yellow!}}
{{Steve|Yeah, no, see I don't know much about how Mystic Meg works, I'm assuming maybe there's some kind of pseudo-science that she applies.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|I think if she'd said put it near anything yellow: fine.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|She said put it in a yellow mug, that's pretty specific,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|From that he's thought, “Well I'll ignore Meg's advice, I always do what she says .. if she says put it in a yellow mug, I’ll put it in –“}}
{{Ricky|She's had two sort of like, you know, um, uh, points of reference there: the descriptive, the yellowness of the object,}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|And the object itself and that should one be a mug.}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Sure. Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|What's missing in the yellow book is the mugness.}}
{{Steve|The mugness! Is one of the intrinsic elements.}}
{{Ricky|It's got lots of bookness,}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|But it wasn't the bookness that gave him the 15 million. So uh,}}
{{Steve|Exactly, exactly.}}
{{Steve|Exactly, exactly.}}
{{Ricky|I reckon, i reckon Mystic Meg won me 7 and a half million}}
{{Ricky|I reckon, I reckon: Mystic Meg Won Me 7 and a Half Million.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Would have been a more accurate --}}
{{Steve|Sure, sure, yeah. So, I don't know, what, Karl, do you think that's pretty spooky? And weird, unnatural stuff?}}
{{Karl|Sor-I’m just a bit livid today. I wasn't really listenin' to what you were saying.}}
{{Steve|Not paying attention!}}
{{Karl|Yeah, sorry.}}
{{Steve|Ok. Do you wanna notify us, before we ask you a question?}}
{{Ricky|Yer, yeah, you are given to us, go on – wh-what --}}
{{Karl|No, it would have just been nice if woulda, like, warned me you were gonna ask me about it... I'm just, just a bit livid.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|Would have been a more accurate...}}
{{Steve|Sure, sure, yer. So, i dont know, Karl, Karl, do you think that's pretty spooky? and weird, unnatural stuff?}}
{{Karl|Im just a bit livid today, i wasn't really listenin' to what you were saying.}}
{{Steve|Not paying attention?}}
{{Karl|Yer, sorry.}}
{{Steve|Ok... Do you wanna notify us, before we ask you a question?}}
{{Ricky|Yer, go on.}}
{{Karl|No, it would have just been nice if had, like, warned me you were gonna ask me about it... I'm just a bit livid.}}
{{Ricky|Go on, what about?}}
{{Ricky|Go on, what about?}}
{{Karl|(mumbles)... dont wanna talk about it.}}
{{Karl|Just, just, I don’t wanna talk about it.}}
{{Steve|Have i done something?}}
{{Steve|Have I done something?}}
{{Karl|No, no, just... just a bit livid.}}
{{Karl|No, no, not you two. Just, just a bit livid.}}
{{Action|Short silence}}
{{Ricky|Eh! Xfm 104.9!}}
{{Ricky|Eh... Xfm 104.9}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs into ad break}}
{{Action|Song: Adam F. and MOP - Stand Clear}}
{{Action|Song: Adam F. and MOP - Stand Clear}}


==Birds With Knobs==
==Birds With Knobs==
{{Ricky|Stand clear, Adam f. MOP. We all know who's Dad Adam F. is.}}
{{Ricky|Stand clear, Adam F, MOP. We all know who's dad Adam F. is.}}
{{Steve|(Who was it again?)}}
{{Steve|Who was it again?}}
{{Ricky|No... We all know who's Adam F.'s Dad of. We all of know Dads. Do we?}}
{{Ricky|No... We all know who's Adam F.'s dad of. We all of know dads. Do we?}}
{{Steve|Rick, can you keep it, keep filling, cuz i've realised i've left my mobile phone on, and the kind of calls im gonna be getting on a saturday afternoon...}}
{{Steve|Rick, can you keep it, keep filling, ‘cause I've realised I've left my mobile phone on, and the kind of calls I’m gonna be getting on a Saturday afternoon,}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, I’ll just keep –}}
{{Ricky|Yer, i'll just. Er, no one'll notice, just... Oh, that was: Adam F. and MOP - Stand clear. We all knnow Adam F.'s got a Dad...}}
{{Steve|Yeah! Just keep talkin’, Rick.}}
{{Action|Silence}}
{{Ricky|Er, no one'll notice, just... Oh, that was Adam F. and MOP, Stand clear. We all know Adam F.'s got a dad...}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky sighs}}
{{Ricky|Ohh. Done it again. Do you remember the trivia quiz?}}
{{Ricky|Oh i did it again. Do you remember the trivia quiz?}}
{{Karl|Forgot it.}}
{{Karl|Forgot it.}}
{{Ricky|Whose Dad is Adam F.?}}
{{Ricky|Whose Dad is Adam F.?}}
{{Karl|Elvin Stardust?}}
{{Karl|Alvin Stardust!}}
{{Ricky|Yes, shane thenton, that's what the F must be for. You back?}}
{{Ricky|Yes, Shane Fenton, that's what the F must be for. You back?}}
{{Steve|That's done, yer.}}
{{Steve|That's done, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yer, we wouldn't wanna, argh. All the people that are calling you all the time.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, we wouldn't wanna be, argh. All the people that are calling you all the time!}}
{{Steve|Ho HO! The ladies!}}
{{Steve|Ho ho ho! The ladies!}}
{{Ricky|Oh God. Anyway, Xfm 104.9.}}
{{Ricky|Oh God. Anyway, Xfm 104.9.}}
{{Steve|Rick...}}
{{Steve|Rick, I know you’re a big um,}}
{{Ricky|We're gonna start now, we're gonna start now, this proper radio, from now. Go Go.}}
{{Ricky|We're gonna start now, we're gonna start now, this proper radio, from now. Go. Go.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve laughs}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|Oh, there's a lot of pressure on me now}}
{{Steve|Oh, there's a lot of pressure on me now.}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Im gonna muck it up. Now i know you're a big trivia fan, i know you're obsessed with trivia.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|I’m gonna muck it up.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Um, now uh, Rick, I know you're a big trivia fan,}}
{{Ricky|Mm.}}
{{Steve|I know you're obsessed with trivia.}}
{{Ricky|Love it.}}
{{Ricky|Love it.}}
{{Steve|And i thought to myself, how can i entertain rick on saturday?}}
{{Steve|And I thought to myself, well how can I entertain Rick on Saturday.}}
{{Ricky|Go on.}}
{{Ricky|Go on.}}
{{Steve|So i was wondering around on the web looking for um, trivia basically, that could entertain you. And you're a big animal trivia fan.}}
{{Steve|So I was, ah, wandering around on the web looking for um, uh, trivia basically, that could entertain you. And you're a big animal trivia fan.}}
{{Ricky|I love animal facts.}}
{{Ricky|I love animal facts.}}
{{Steve|And there's not much you don't know about animals. But here's something.}}
{{Steve|And there's not much you don't know about animals. But here's uh, here’s something.}}
{{Ricky|You're gonna catch me out now aren't you?}}
{{Ricky|You're gonna catch me out now aren't you?}}
{{Steve|Oh well, i dont know. Here's one, i dont know if you've heard this one before: Ants never sleep.}}
{{Steve|Oh well, I don’t know. Um, here's one, I don't know if you've heard this one before: Ants –}}
{{Ricky|No, I know.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah?}}
{{Steve|<i>"Ooh I know"!</i>}}
{{Steve|--never sleep.}}
{{Ricky|And they have alcohol in their blood, so they dont freeze in winter, that's why you never see a lazy ant. It's always working... It's drunk, but it's always working.}}
{{Ricky|No, I know. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|They never sleep but they do take a lot of fag breaks.}}
{{Steve|"Ooh I know!” Easy for you to say now!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah! I know, yeah, I think it's because they cant sleep, because it's like, noisey neighbours, there's about a million of them, living sometimes in a room. And it must be a real... But you see 'em carrying a leaf and you see someone else, and they say "Do want a hand with that?" and they say "Don't be silly, you're carrying something 8 times your bodyweight as it is." He goes, "Oh, you know, i've got another pair of hands free, i'll give you a hand.", yeah they're great, ants.}}
{{Ricky|And – and, they’ve got alcohol in their blood, so they don’t freeze in winter, and, that's why you never see a lazy ant. It's always working.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, they're incredible.}}
{{Steve|Mm.}}
{{Ricky|Ok, knew that one, next.}}
{{Ricky|It's drunk, but it's always working.}}
{{Steve|Right, this is one im throwing right at you Karl, err. There's only one bird that has a penis. Which bird is it?}}
{{Steve|Well, they - they never sleep, but they do take a lot of fag breaks.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Yeah! I know, yeah. I think it's ‘cause they can’t sleep, ‘cause it's like, like noisy neighbours, there's about a million of them,}}
{{Steve|Yeah, it’s a nightmare.}}
{{Ricky|Living sometimes in a room. And they just, it must be a real -- But you see 'em, you can see ‘em carrying a leaf and they see someone else, and they say "Do want a hand with that?" and they say "Don't be silly, you're carrying summat, 8 times your bodyweight as it is." He goes, "Well, you know, I’ve got another pair of hands free,}}
{{Steve|Yeah!}}
{{Ricky|“I'll give you a hand." Yeah they're great, ants.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, yeah, they’re incrazable - they're incredible.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, I knew that one - next.}}
{{Steve|Um, Ok, all right then, this is, uh, this is one I’m throwin’ right at you as well Karl. Uh - there's only one bird that has a penis.}}
{{Ricky|It’s not, it’s not a joke –}}
{{Steve|Which bird is it?}}
{{Ricky|It's not a joke?}}
{{Ricky|It's not a joke?}}
{{Steve|No, it's not a joke, this is not a joke. It's a genuine trivia question.}}
{{Steve|No, it's not a joke, this is not a joke. This is genuine trivia question.}}
{{Ricky|Ok, I'd say...}}
{{Ricky|Ok, I'd say... Oh. I'll say, I think I've seen one on this, uh, is it an ostrich?}}
{{Action|Pause}}
{{Steve|Right, you're going for ostrich. Karl?}}
{{Ricky|I'll say, i think i've seen one on this, er, is it an osterich?}}
{{Karl|I'll go for ostrich as well.}}
{{Steve|Right, you're going for osterich, karl?}}
{{Steve|Right. Did you come up with that yourself, or -?}}
{{Karl|I'll go for osterich aswell.}}
{{Karl|Yep, I was gonna way that, before he said it.}}
{{Steve|Right... Did you come up with that yourself?}}
{{Steve|Right. Well guys you went for ostrich,}}
{{Karl|Yep, i was gonna way that before he said it.}}
{{Steve|Right. Well guys you went for...}}
{{Karl|Chicken?}}
{{Karl|Chicken?}}
{{Steve|...Osterich, you're both wrong. It's actually the swan.}}
{{Steve|You're both wrong. It's actually the swan.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Chicken! (repeating Karl)}}
{{Ricky|At the last – “Chicken!“}}
{{Steve|(laughs) Yer!}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Ricky|That's a bit worrying then, because i thought i saw an osterich penis, so what was i looking at?}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|I dont know, were you just examining it closely at the zoo?}}
{{Ricky|That's a bit worrying then, ‘cause I thought I saw an ostrich penis, so what was I looking at?}}
{{Ricky|No, i was just, i was just...}}
{{Steve|I don't know, were you just examining it closely at the zoo, what were you -}}
{{Steve|It was probably a strapon.}}
{{Ricky|No, I just, was just...}}
{{Steve|It was probably a strap-on.}}
{{Ricky|It was probably two lezzer ostriches giving each other one.}}
{{Ricky|It was probably two lezzer ostriches giving each other one.}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Ricky|And that's how it can influence, things like that, dirty, filthy lezz ostriches can...}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Exactly!}}
{{Steve|Confuse a child, if he's at the zoo, and he doesnt know.}}
{{Ricky|And that's how it can influence, peop- things like that, dirty, filthy lezz ostriches can -}}
{{Ricky|A swan's got a...? That's really anoying, i'd never give a swan a knob.}}
{{Steve|Confuse a child! If he's at the zoo, and he doesn’t know.}}
{{Steve|Hmm.}}
{{Ricky|A swan's got a --? That's really annoying, I tell – ‘cause, I’d never give a swan a knob.}}
{{Ricky|It's the puffiest of all birds.}}
{{Steve|Mm.}}
{{Steve|It is the puffiest of all birds.}}
{{Ricky|...It's the poofiest of all birds, innit!}}
{{Ricky|<i>"Oh, i'm protected by the Queens, but i need a knob."</i> I'd give, if i had to give a knob to any bird, um...}}
{{Steve|It is the poofiest of all birds.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) Good question.}}
{{Ricky|"Oh, I'm protected by the Queen, but I need a knob”. I'd give, if I had to give a knob to any bird, um...}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|Good question!}}
{{Ricky|No!}}
{{Ricky|No!}}
{{Steve|No, i wish i'd posed that myself: If you could give a knob to any bird, what would it be? Phone in.}}
{{Steve|No, I wish I’d posed that, myself! If you could give a knob to any bird, what would it be? Phone in. 0--}}
{{Ricky|Vulture!}}
{{Ricky|Vulture!}}
{{Steve|Well of course a Vulture.}}
{{Steve|Well of course a vulture, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|They need a cock.}}
{{Ricky|That - they need a cock.}}
{{Steve|What about yourself Karl? If you could give a knob to any bird? And don't make it rude!}}
{{Steve|A big, veiny, bangstick. }}
{{Ricky|It's gotta be a bird of prey or something like that hasn't it?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|What about yourself, Karl? If you could give a knob to any bird? And don't make it rude! “Ooh, if I could give a knob to any bird, I’d made it that Jordan!”}}
{{Ricky|What bird...It's gotta be a bird of prey or summat like that hasn't it?}}
{{Karl|Just a robin, really.}}
{{Karl|Just a robin, really.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) That would have been amazing!...}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Yer!}}
{{Steve|That would have been amazing! That would be beaut-}}
{{Karl|Christmas cards would be like...}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Karl Laugh}}
{{Karl|Christmas cards would be like --}}
{{Ricky|Yer, but it's a normal human sized knob... on a robin. That would be great wouldn't it.}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Ricky|Yeah,}}
{{Steve|That would be brilliant!}}
{{Ricky|But it's a normal human-sized knob, on a robin.}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|That would be great wouldn't it.}}
{{Steve|That would be genius.}}
{{Steve|That would be genius.}}
{{Ricky|And the other thing anoyying about this, this is ironic, right, now, the male of all bird species are usually, they're called the cock...}}
{{Ricky|And the other thing annoying about this, this is ironic, right, now, all, the male of all bird species are usually, they're called the cock, right.}}
{{Steve|Yes.}}
{{Steve|Yes.}}
{{Ricky|...But the only bird with a cock...}}
{{Ricky|But the only bird with a cock,}}
{{Steve|Yep.}}
{{Steve|Yeah,}}
{{Ricky|...Is called a "cob"!}}
{{Ricky|Right, is called a "cob"!}}
{{Steve|Is that what a swan's called?}}
{{Steve|Is that what a swan's called?}}
{{Ricky|Yer, their cob and pen, not cock and hen!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah! They’re cob and pen, they’re not cock and hen!}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Steve|Right. That’s annoying.}}
{{Ricky|And he's isn't a cock, but he's got a cock!}}
{{Ricky|And he's got – they’ve – he isn't a cock, but he's got a cock!}}
{{Steve|Yer, yer, quick query there rick...}}
{{Steve|Yeah, yeah, quick query there Rick.}}
{{Ricky|Go on...}}
{{Ricky|Go on.}}
{{Steve|When you then cock, presumably you meant male bird, the first time you said it.}}
{{Steve|When you then cock, presumably you meant male bird, the first time you said it.}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|The second time you said it, you said "cock", do you mean the penis?}}
{{Steve|The second time you said it, you said "cock", do you mean the penis?}}
{{Ricky|Well, you're showing off the whole farse of radio broadcasting...}}
{{Ricky|Well, you're showing off the whole farce of radio broadcasting --}}
{{Steve|Because you're not really allowed to say cock when you mean penis.}}
{{Steve|Because you're not really allowed to say cock when you mean penis.}}
{{Ricky|Exactly, no. One cock would cause great offence...}}
{{Ricky|No, exactly! No! One cock would b- cause great offense.}}
{{Steve|Yer...}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|The other cock's fine.}}
{{Ricky|The other cock's fine.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) Exactly.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Ricky|It's wierd isn't it?}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Steve|It is strange, it is strange! So if i said now to you now, "Ooh, i like cocks"...}}
{{Ricky|It's weird isn't it?}}
{{Ricky|Yer...}}
{{Steve|It is strange, it is strange. So if we said, if I said now to you now, you know, "Oh, I like cocks",}}
{{Steve|...Meaning birds...}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yer, that's fine.}}
{{Steve|Meaning birds, that would be fine.}}
{{Steve|But if it meant penises it weould be a problem.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|If you like...}}
{{Steve|But if it meant penises it would be a problem.}}
{{Ricky|If you like cocks and it was penises, yeah yeah. That would be, yeah.}}
{{Steve|Right, Karl do you like cocks?}}
{{Steve|Right, Karl do you like cocks?}}
{{Action|Pause}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Do you like cocks?}}
{{Steve|Do you like cocks?}}
{{Karl|No.}}
{{Karl|No.}}
{{Steve|Right, ok, no that's fine, that's fine, i was asking if you liked...}}
{{Steve|Right, Ok, no that's fine, that's fine. I was askin’ if you liked --}}
{{Ricky|No, i like you know...}}
{{Ricky|No, I, I, I like, you know,}}
{{Steve|Well i mean, im a big fan of, um, tits...}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Well I’m uh, I’m a big fan of, um, tits.}}
{{Ricky|...The small birds that come down and peck at your...}}
{{Ricky|The small birds that come down and peck at your --}}
{{Steve|...Yer.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yer, you like tits and cocks, there's nothing wrong with... Karl, don't worry. There's nothing wrong with saying tits and cocks.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. You like tits and cocks, there's nothing wrong with –}}
{{Steve|Because when i said "tits" i meant the little birds.}}
{{Steve|Tits and cocks! There’s nothing wrong with that.}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|There’s nothing wrong with -- Karl, don't worry. There's nothing wrong with saying tits and cocks.}}
{{Steve|And when i say cocks i mean the big birds.}}
{{Steve|No, ‘cause when I said "tits" I meant the little birds.}}
{{Ricky|Yer. Do you know, when um...}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. They come down.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky breaks into laughter}}
{{Steve|And when i say cocks I mean the big birds.}}
{{Steve|Go on, no, go on...}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Do you know, when um--}}
{{Ricky|No, it's just that when you were talking about tits...}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Yer?}}
{{Steve|Go on, no, go on.}}
{{Ricky|You know, at the milk... do you... they... i like the fact that they flutter away when they hear the milkman coming.}}
{{Ricky|No, it's just that when you were talking about tits.}}
{{Karl|Argh, come on!}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|You know, at the milk. Do you, they – they – they – I like the fact that they flutter away when they hear the milkman coming.}}
{{Karl|Oh, come on!}}
{{Ricky|What?}}
{{Ricky|What?}}
{{Steve|What you talking about? What are you talking about? No, when the milkman's coming...}}
{{Steve|So wait, what you talking about? What are you talking about? No, when the milkman's coming, when he’s walkin’ up --}}
{{Action|Fades out...}}
{{Action|Song: Ash - Sometimes}}
{{Action|Song: Ash - Sometimes}}


==Look At Karl's Face==
==Look At Karl's Face==
{{Ricky|Ash and Sometimes, lovely song. Gotta apologise to our producer there, because  he was worried about... there was nothing wrong with it, it's just like saying you, you know, you like watching birds in the garden...}}
{{Ricky|Ash, and Sometimes, lovely song. Gotta apologise to our producer there, ‘cause he was worried about -- there was nothing wrong with it, it's just like saying you, you know, you like watching birds in the garden --}}
{{Karl|It's just i think you're better than that.}}
{{Karl|It's just I think you're better than that.}}
{{Ricky|I know, it's cheap isn't it to say like, i like tits, or i like (cocks), so we're gonna be a bit more literary now, one of my favorite things is "Fanny by Gas Light".}}
{{Ricky|I know, it's cheap isn't it to say like, I like tits,}}
{{Steve|Really?}}
{{Steve|Yeah, I like tits.}}
{{Ricky|Yes.}}
{{Ricky|Or I like cocks, so we're gonna be a bit more literary now.}}
{{Steve|That's interesting, im a big fan of "Moby Dick".}}
{{Steve|Go on.}}
{{Ricky|Oh, the, o yer, the book, "Moby Dick", not the medical condition, there's nothing inuendal, no it's the big horrible thing that used to swallow (sea men). No I, in the winter steve...}}
{{Ricky|One of my favourite things is Fanny by Gas Light.}}
{{Steve|Yer...}}
{{Steve|Really? That’s interesting.}}
{{Ricky|Steve... There's nothing i like more than to keep my hands warm in a muff.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|No, sure, sure, you mean those kind of furry things that, you know classy looking ladies used to have...}}
{{Steve|That's interesting, I'm a big fan of Moby Dick.}}
{{Ricky|Yer, posh ladies, often put the'ir hands in... You know when you a nice, like party...}}
{{Ricky|Oh, the – oh yeah, the book. Moby Dick. Not the medical condition,}}
{{Steve|A winter party, yer.}}
{{Steve|No, no no no no.}}
{{Ricky|And you might take the wrong hat or something, there's nothing i like more than to see two posh women with their hands in each other's muffs, and they're going, "Oh, this must be yours"!}}
{{Ricky|There's nothing innuend– no, it's the big horrible thing that used to swallow sea men.}}
{{Steve|Yer, that is always funny.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yer,um, but, seriously, stop this, i've got a philosiphy degree...}}
{{Ricky|Now I, in the winter,}}
{{Steve|I've just rememberd that my favorite beatle's song is "Come Together".}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yer, now, we're gonna stop this now Karl because it's childish, yoiu're right, i've got a philosiphy degree, for christ sake, and it's about time...}}
{{Ricky|Steve.}}
{{Steve|Who's your favorite philosiphor, do you mind me askin'?}}
{{Steve|Go on.}}
{{Ricky|Well, i would tell you, except, when i ever talk about it i always go into a cockney accent, it it can be like <i>"My favorite philosiphor, i like a bit of Kant"</i>.}}
{{Ricky|There's nothing I like more, than to keep my hands warm... in a muff.}}
{{Steve|Right... Is that Emanuel Kant? The philosipher.}}
{{Steve|No, sure, sure, sure. You mean those kind of furry things that, you know classy looking ladies used to have --}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Posh ladies, often put their hands in -- You know when you have a nice, like party --}}
{{Steve|You have a nice party, yeah, a winter party, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|And you might take the wrong hat or something, there's nothing I like more than to see two posh women with their hands in each other's muffs,}}
{{Steve|Ho-ho! That’s always a fun bit!}}
{{Ricky|And they're going, "Oh, this must be yours!}}
{{Steve|Yeah. That is always funny.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but, seriously, no, no, stop this, you’re right. I’ve got a degree in --}}
{{Steve|I've just remembered that my favorite Beatles song is "Come Together".}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Now, we're gonna stop this now Karl, ‘cause it's childish... You’re right, I've got a philosophy degree.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|For Christ sake, and it's about time --}}
{{Steve|Who's your favorite philosopher, do you mind me askin'?}}
{{Ricky|Well, I would tell you, except, when I ever talk about it I always go into a cockney accent, so it it can be like "My favourite philosopher – I like a bit of Kant".}}
{{Steve|Right. Is that [[Immanuel Kant]]? The philosopher.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|That's strange.}}
{{Steve|That's strange.}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|What's his surname again?}}
{{Steve|What's his name again?}}
{{Ricky|"Kant"}}
{{Ricky|Kant.}}
{{Steve|Oh yer, yer, that can be wierd, can be strange.}}
{{Steve|Oh yeah. yeah. That can be weird, can be strange!}}
{{Ricky|Look at Karl's face...}}
{{Ricky|Look at Karl's face!}}
{{Steve|Look at his face...}}
{{Steve|Oh, look at his face.}}
{{Ricky|<i>Look at his face!</i>}}
{{Ricky|Look at his face!}}
{{Steve|Join in Karl, undo your trousers, just let it all hang out, let your cock hang out.}}
{{Steve|Join in Karl! Undo your trousers, just let it all hang out, let your cock hang out.}}
{{Ricky|We'll be like Stan Boardman, when he told the Fokker joke.}}
{{Ricky|We'll be like Stan Boardman, when he told the Fokker joke.}}
{{Steve|Yeah!}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Ricky|We won't do local radio again for 10 years.}}
{{Steve|Yeah! Of course!}}
{{Ricky|We - we won't do local radio again for 10 years.}}
{{Action|Song: Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys}}
{{Action|Song: Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys}}


==Wayne King==
==Wayne King==
{{Ricky|Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys, before that, don't know what that was. Um, i'm still pissed off that swans have got cocks.}}
{{Ricky|Ian Brown, Dolphins Were Monkeys.}}
{{Steve|Yer.}}
{{Steve|Yup.}}
{{Ricky|It's a waste, it's a waste of a knob with a swan}}
{{Ricky|Before that, don't know what that was. Um, I'm still pissed off that swans have got cocks.}}
{{Steve|I know what you mean}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|And they don't know what they're doing with it half the time. Now, we've got some great, do you remember, we've stopped all the silly inuednos now, but do you remember...}}
{{Ricky|It's a waste, it's a waste of a knob with a swan.}}
{{Karl|I think it's because they've got a long neck, and to balance them properly in the water...}}
{{Steve|I know what you mean. I know what you mean.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Ricky|They don’t know what they’re doing with half the time. Um, now, we've got some great -- do you remember, we've stopped all the silly innuendos now, but do you remember --}}
{{Karl|...what are those things that boats have underneath?}}
{{Karl|I think it's because they've got a long neck, and to balance them properly in the water --}}
{{Steve|A rudder?}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Karl|No...}}
{{Karl|What are those things that boats have underneath?}}
{{Ricky|No, the big thing...}}
{{Steve|A rudder.}}
{{Karl|It might be, do you know what i mean?}}
{{Karl|No-}}
{{Ricky|Yer, it might be, you might be right. Yer.}}
{{Ricky|No, the big thing – the keel – the keel -}}
{{Steve|But ducks would need one aswell wouldn't they?}}
{{Karl|It might be, do you know what I mean?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, it might be, you might be right. Yeah.}}
{{Karl|Balancing them.}}
{{Steve|Well but, what about – but ducks would need one as well wouldn't they?}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Ducks don’t –}}
{{Karl|No, cause they've got short necks.}}
{{Karl|No, cause they've got short necks.}}
{{Steve|Oh, i see what you mean, it's the necks, yer.}}
{{Steve|Oh, I see what you mean, it's the necks, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|So, hold on, do you think that's, so long necks - long knob?}}
{{Ricky|So, hold on, do you think that's, so long necks - long knob?}}
{{Steve|Don't look at me Gervais}}
{{Steve|Don't look at me Gervais.}}
{{Karl|Ask Steve}}
{{Karl|Ask Steve!}}
{{Ricky|I know, no, Sandie (Unsure of spelling of this name)'s got a tiny cock hasn't she?}}
{{Ricky|I know, no, Sandi Toksvig's got a tiny cock hasn't she?}}
{{Steve|But she has got one, which is strange...}}
{{Steve|But she has got one, which is interesting.}}
{{Ricky|That's libelous, i'd just like to say that Sandie (and here) has never had a knob.}}
{{Ricky|That's libelous, I'd just like to say that Sandi Toksvig has never had a knob.}}
{{Steve|No, she's not.}}
{{Steve|No, she's not.}}
{{Karl|But you're not lieing about the neck...}}
{{Karl|But you're not lying about the neck...}}
{{Ricky|No, she's got a little neck, that's fine, that's clear for all to see. I just remember um, a bloke i saw on oppurtinity knocks once, it was a pianist, and this is true, and his name was "Wayne King", do you like Wayne King?}}
{{Ricky|No, she's got a little neck, that's fine, that’s, that's clear for all to see. I just remember um, a bloke I saw on Opportunity Knocks once,}}
{{Steve|Karl what's your opinion on Wayne King?}}
{{Steve|Opportunity Knocks?}}
{{Action|Pause}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. It was a pianist, and this is true, and his name was "Wayne King". I - do you like Wayne King?}}
{{Steve|Karl, what's your opinion on Wayne King?}}
{{Karl|I don't know his work.}}
{{Karl|I don't know his work.}}
{{Steve|You're not a fan of his work, ok, no, no, that's fine, Karl, we asked you're opinion mate, and you've given it. And that's all we can ask for...}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Ricky|No opinion on Wayne King, at all}}
{{Steve|You're not a fan of his work. Ok. No, no, that's fine! Karl! We asked you're opinion mate, and you've given it. And that's all we can ask for.}}
{{Steve|If you're a fan of Wayne King at home, please get in touch, the email address i had, um, ricky.gervais-at-xfm.co.uk. What was the number again, 08700 800 ****, you know, if you like Wayne King or you know}}
{{Ricky|Aw. No opinion on Wayne King, at all.}}
{{Steve|If you, if you're a fan of Wayne King at home, please get in touch, the email address, uh, I had, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. What was the number again, 08700 800 1234. You know, if you like Wayne King or if, you know,}}
{{Act:Karl|Karl sighs}}
{{Act:Karl|Karl sighs}}
{{Ricky|No!}}
{{Ricky|No!}}
{{Steve|Karl what are you talking about, we're asking someone's music opinion, it's a music station...}}
{{Steve|Karl, what are you talking about, we're asking someone's music opinion, it's a music station, what – you, you’re strange!}}
{{Karl|Is it gonna be like this all day?}}
{{Karl|Is it gonna be like this all day?}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Karl|Let's talk about you and your grlfriends again, i think people enjoy that more}}
{{Ricky|If it’s – if we -}}
{{Together|Ricky and Steve|ooooohhh!}}
{{Karl|Let's talk about you and your girlfriends again. I think people enjoy that more.}}
{{Ricky|You are grumpy, why are you grumpy? some on tell us?}}
{{Ricky|Ooooohhh!}}
{{Karl|I think i've got SAD.}}
{{Steve|Oh, there he goes!}}
{{Steve|Wow! I’ll tell y--}}
{{Ricky|You are grumpy, why are you grumpy? You’re all grumpy ‘cause you been, lo- c’mon, tell us. Come on.}}
{{Karl|I think, I think I’ve got S.A.D.}}
{{Ricky|What's that mean?}}
{{Ricky|What's that mean?}}
{{Karl|You know when it's dark outside and you feel depressed}}
{{Karl|That thing when it’s dark –}}
{{Ricky|Oh, yer}}
{{Ricky|Sade?}}
{{Karl|I think i've got that.}}
{{Karl|You know when it's dark outside and you feel depressed.}}
{{Steve|But you're from manchester aren't you, isnt it pitch black there alll the time? Which country is it, Iceland? Where it's dark all year.}}
{{Ricky|Oh yeah.}}
{{Ricky|The land of the mole people.}}
{{Karl|I think I’ve got that.}}
{{Karl|I was telling steve before, in fact, im not gonna bore you with it, go on, what were you saying about wanking?}}
{{Steve|But you're from Manchester! Isn’t it like pitch black there all the time?}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Karl laugh}}
{{Steve|W-w-which country is it, Iceland, where it's like, it’s like dark all year.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah! The land of the mole people.}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Yeah.}}
{{Karl|No. I was telling Steve before, in fact, I’m not gonna bore you with it. Go on, what, what were we saying about Wayne King?}}
{{Steve|Well you bored me with it earlier, can't you bore him with it?}}
{{Steve|Well you bored me with it earlier, can't you bore him with it?}}
{{Ricky|Yer it's only fair... What were you saying about what?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, it's only fair. What were you saying about what?}}
{{Karl|Wayne King}}
{{Karl|Wayne King}}
{{Act:Karl|Karl breaks into laughter}}
{{Act:Karl|Karl Laughs}}
{{Steve|Did you say --}}
{{Ricky|Oh Karl, play a record!}}
{{Ricky|Oh Karl, play a record!}}
{{Steve|Oh karl, that's a disgusting Karl, you're a pervert.}}
{{Steve|Oh that’s a disgusting, Karl! You're a pervert!}}
{{Action|Song: Liquido - Play Some Rock}}
{{Action|Song: Liquido Play Some Rock}}
 
==Children In Need==
==Children In Need==
{{Ricky|Liquido - play some rock, that's what we're doing steve!}}
{{Ricky|Liquido, Play Some Rock. That's what we're doing, Steve!}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|We are indeed!}}
{{Steve|We are indeed!}}
{{Ricky|Before that, weaser, island in the sun.}}
{{Ricky|Before that, Weezer, Island in the Sun.}}
{{Steve|Can i just ask Karl a quick question?}}
{{Steve|Can I just ask Karl a quick question?}}
{{Ricky|Yer, why does he swear so much on radio?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, why does he swear so much on radio? No?}}
{{Steve|Karl did you see that film last night, "Gay lords say no"?}}
{{Steve|No, no, no. No, no. Karl, did you see that film last night, "[[Gaylords Say No]]"?}}
{{Action|Long silence}}
{{Karl|Ummm ... yes.}}
{{Karl|ummm, yes.}}
{{Steve|Aw.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve sighs}}
{{Ricky|What were you watching that for?}}
{{Ricky|What were you watching that for?}}
{{Steve|Yer, wierdo. OH! you're always gonna lose with that one. did you see that film last night "gay lords say no"?}}
{{Steve|Yeah! Weirdo!}}
{{Ricky|No... Ah, no!}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|That means you're a gaylord. That is, actually, the official way of finding out if someone's gay.}}
{{Steve|Ohh. You, you’re always gonna lose with that one. Rick, did you see that film last night "Gaylords Say No"?}}
{{Ricky|No. Ah, no!}}
{{Steve|That means you're a gaylord.}}
{{Ricky|Aww.}}
{{Steve|That is actually, the official way of finding out if someone's gay.}}
{{Ricky|That's how Oscar Wilde got caught.}}
{{Ricky|That's how Oscar Wilde got caught.}}
{{Steve|that's exactly how he got caught.}}
{{Steve|Exactly how he got caught.}}
{{Ricky|They went "well we've got evidence, oh before you go oscar, did you watch that film last night "Gaylords say no?", "No", "Take him away".}}
{{Ricky|They went "Well we've got evidence ... So anyway, cheers M’lud. Oh before you go, uh, Oscar – see that film last night "Gaylords Say No?”}}
{{Steve|Yep, take that bender downstairs.}}
{{Together|Ricky and Steve|No.}}
{{Ricky|"Take him away".}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Take that bender downstairs.}}
{{Ricky|Take him out of my sight.}}
{{Ricky|Take him out of my sight.}}
{{Steve|That is how they got him, that's the official way.}}
{{Steve|That is how they got him! That is the official way.}}
{{Ricky|Yep.}}
{{Ricky|Yep. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Children in need last night rick}}
{{Steve|Children in Need last night, Rick. Ho-ho!}}
{{Ricky|argh! I watched a bit of it.}}
{{Ricky|Ohh. I got - watched a bit of it.}}
{{Steve|Did you watch a little bit karl? It's awful isn't it? It's the worst thing ever, i mean it just, i've said this before, the thing about children in need, it makes the whole country and bbc 1 for one day into just one big school fete.}}
{{Steve|Did you watch any of it, Karl. It's awful isn't it?}}
{{Ricky|Yer}}
{{Ricky|It is pretty bad.}}
{{Steve|It's so perfetic, the entertainment is ill thought out, it's just boring.}}
{{Steve|It's the worst thing ever, I mean it just -- I've said this before, the thing about Children in Need, it makes the whole country and BBC 1 for one day into just one big school fete.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Exactly.}}
{{Steve|D’y’know what I mean. It's so pathetic. The entertainment is ill thought out, it's just, it’s just boring --}}
{{Karl|I'd prefer it if the just made everyone pay a pound.}}
{{Karl|I'd prefer it if the just made everyone pay a pound.}}
{{Steve|That'd be fine, yer.}}
{{Steve|That'd be fine! Yeah.}}
{{Karl|And they'd make more money, and we wouldnt have to sit through it.}}
{{Karl|And they'd make more money, and we wouldn't have to sit through it.}}
{{Steve|Just add it to the license fee.}}
{{Steve|Just add it to the license fee.}}
{{Ricky|But surely that's, exactly, surely that's just a taxation that we should...}}
{{Ricky|But surely that's, exactly, surely that's just a taxation that we should, you know, as opposed -}}
{{Steve|But that's fine.}}
{{Steve|But that's fine.}}
{{Ricky|As opposed to going through this nonsense of people from west-end musicals who aren't selling come out and do a song.}}
{{Ricky|As opposed to going through this nonsense of people from west-end musicals who aren't selling come out and do a song.}}
{{Steve|Yer, of course. They may aswell, because there was Terry Wogan at one point gioing round the audience with a bucket just rattling it, getting people, members of the audience to put lose change in a bucket! It's national television, they've already had to sit through 3 hours of rubbish, now you're making them pay for it.}}
{{Steve|Yes! Yeah! Of course!}}
{{Ricky|Does he get paid?}}
{{Ricky|Oh, God!}}
{{Steve|I dont know, if he's doing it for charity. You notice that all the pop acts that go on there are all plugging a new single.}}
{{Steve|‘Cause it’s just - they may as well, because there was Terry Wogan at one point going around the audience, with a bucket, just rattlin’ it, getting people, members of the audience to put loose change in a bucket! I’m just - it's national television!}}
{{Ricky|Of course, but that's...}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Steve|It's like there's this mask, this charade of charity, but they're all plugging a single.}}
{{Steve|I’ve watchin’ did - they've already had to sit through 3 hours of rubbish, now you're making them pay for it.}}
{{Ricky|Yer.}}
{{Ricky|Does -does he get paid?}}
{{Steve|It's just pathetic, it's utterly pathetic, they may as well bring on a big tombola and guess how many pennies are in the jar...}}
{{Steve|I, I don’t know, if he done it for charity. I know- you notice a lot of people that go on there, though, all the pop acts that go on there are all plugging a new single.}}
{{Ricky|How did pudsey lose his eye aswell?}}
{{Ricky|Of course, but that's the deal.}}
{{Steve|Well, he'll get another one out if he's not careful. And um, I was watching it quite late, we just had it on in the corner while we were chatting and stuff, and um... About 1 O'Clock in the morning, ok, they'd been promising this for ages; it was a couple of, sort of Hollyoaks stars or something...}}
{{Steve|It's like there's this mask, of sort -this charade of charity, but they're all plugging a single.}}
{{Ricky|Yer}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Steve|...male stars were gonna be part of a male striptease Full Monty type thing.}}
{{Steve|It's just pathetic, it's utterly path-- they may as well bring on a big tombola, you know, and guess how many, kind of, pennies are in the jar, and -}}
{{Ricky|How did Pudsey lose his eye as well?}}
{{Steve|Well, he'll get another one out if he's not careful.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|And um, I, I was watching it quite late, we just had it on in the corner while we were chatting and stuff, and um, about 1 o’clock in the morning, Ok, they'd, they’d been promising this for ages. It was a couple of, sort of Hollyoaks stars or something,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Male, male stars were gonna be part of a male stripper – striptease, the Full Monty type thing.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, I turned that off.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, I turned that off.}}
{{Steve|Yeh}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|I didn't wanna watch that, Steve.}}
{{Ricky|I didn't wanna watch that, Steve.}}
{{Karl|Do you notice how he said they'd been promising it for ages.}}
{{Karl|Do you notice how he said they'd been promising it for ages, it was on at 1 in the morning.}}
{{Ricky|Yeh}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Karl|It was on at 1 in the morning and he was staying up.}}
{{Karl|Almost like he was staying up.}}
{{Ricky|Yes, Karl's got you!}}
{{Ricky|Yes, Karl's got you!}}
{{Steve|Well you've got the measure of me Karl}}
{{Steve|Well you've got the measure of me Karl!}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Karl|It's a bit weird, Steve!}}
{{Karl|It's a bit weird, Steve!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Steve|Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?}}
{{Steve|Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|No but the point was right, the thing about the um... Are you a gaylord tape tied to a tree?}}
{{Steve|No but the point was right, the thing about the um -- are you a gaylord tape -- tied to a tree?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Karl|Yes.}}
{{Karl|Yeah.}}
{{Together|Ricky and Steve|There you are then.}}
{{Steve|There you are then.}}
{{Ricky|Done ya.}}
{{Ricky|There you are. Done ya.}}
{{Karl|Have you really done me?}}
{{Karl|Have you really done me?}}
{{Steve|No but seriously, so they bring on... this male stripper gang come on, y'know, firemen or whatever, and they come on, and then it cuts to the audience, and there was one woman just putting her glasses on.}}
{{Steve|No but seriously, so they bring on these, uh, this this this male stripper, kinda, gang come on, y'know, firemen or whatever, and they come on, and then they cut to the audience, and there was one woman just putting her glasses on.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|I like the fact, a 40 year old woman, it's like it was 1 in the morning, she'd fallen asleep and her friend must've gone "Agnes, Agnes quick put your glasses on, wake up, they're getting their cocks out." And I mean cocks.}}
{{Steve|It was like a 40 year old woman, it's like it was 1 in the morning, she'd fallen asleep and her friend must've gone "Agnes, Agnes -- quick put your glasses on. Wake up, they're getting their cocks out”. And I mean cocks.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|They did this striptease right, they did this striptease, and I have to swear, right, they went right down to their underwear and they were just flashing their arses, they were just... It was... And I was thinking, this is for kiddies! And it was obscene, it was utterly obscene, I was actually appauled.}}
{{Steve|And they, they did this striptease right, they did this striptease, and I have to swear, right, they went right down to their um, their underwear and they were just flashing their arses, they just – it was ut- and I was thinking, this is for kiddies! And it was obscene, it was utterly obscene, I was actually appalled.}}
{{Ricky|Not at 1 in the morning it's not!}}
{{Ricky|Not at 1 in the morning it's not!}}
{{Steve|What're you talking about, it was appauling, for Children In Need!}}
{{Steve|What're you talking about, it was appalling! It’s Children In Need!}}
{{Ricky|Well the charity is.}}
{{Ricky|Well the charity is.}}
{{Steve|No but it was just... It was offensive, I was offended by it, it was the BBC, it was charity, and there were blokes with their todgers almost out.}}
{{Steve|No but it was just – it was, it was offensive. I was offended by it. It was the BBC, it was charity, and there were blokes with their todgers almost out.}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) Yeah but it's post-watershed, you can have any event and give it to anything can't ya?}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|No, that's not right, it's for children! 'Cause a lot of children will stay up and watch that, their parents will sort of go "Yeah, it's fine," y'know, "you can stay up and watch Children In Need, that's for kids."}}
{{Ricky|Yeah but the fact that it’s – yeah but it’s post-watershed, you can have any event and give it to anything can't ya?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah... Then arses aren't... Y'know.}}
{{Steve|No! That's not right! It's for children! 'Cause a lot of children will stay up and watch that, their parents will sort of go "Yeah, it's fine”, y'know, "You can stay up and watch Children In Need, that's for kids”.}}
{{Steve|But it wasn't just arses, they gave the impression they were fully nude. I mean thankfully they weren't, I made a close inspection.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. But then arses aren't, you know.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Steve|It was! But it was just arses, they gave the impression they were fully nude! I mean thankfully they weren't, I made a close inspection.}}
{{Steve|It was obscene!}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, me and Karl, Karl's got the measure of ya, me and Karl are looking at eachother.}}
{{Steve|But. It was obscene!}}
{{Steve|Yeah, you're looking at eachother?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, me and Karl, Karl's—}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Steve|You got the measure of me.}}
{{Steve|Gazing into eachother's eyes?}}
{{Ricky|Me and Karl are looking at each other.}}
{{Ricky|What's happened to us, just for one week only we're back at school ok, there's innuendos, we laugh when we say the word bender, cock, tits meaning birds...}}
{{Steve|You’re looking at each other?}}
{{Steve|<i>Karl and Ricky sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.</i> Rick, have you been enjoying Bubba Spark's current hit, <i>Ugly, you're ugly, oh I'm ugly, ugly.</i> A song which means nothing to me actually.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Steve|Gazing into each other's eyes?}}
{{Ricky|What's happened to us, yeah, just for one week only we're back at school, Ok, there's innuendos, we laugh when we say the word bender, cock, uh, tits meaning birds --}}
{{Steve|Karl and Ricky sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Rick, have you been enjoying [[Bubba Sparxxx]]'s current hit -- Ugly, you're ugly, oh I'm ugly, ugly. A song which means nothing to me actually, I don’t -}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|I can't relate to it at all.}}
{{Steve|I can't relate to it at all.}}
{{Ricky|I am, yeah, I am, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|I am, yeah, I am, yeah.}}
{{Steve|What do you make of Bubba?}}
{{Steve|What do you make of Bubba?}}
{{Ricky|I like Bubba.}}
{{Ricky|I like Bubba.}}
{{Steve|He's a sort of down-south kinda rapper...}}
{{Steve|He's a sort of down-south kinda rapper.}}
{{Ricky|I know where this is going. I bet you've got a little bit of Bubba in your Hip Hop Challenge.}}
{{Ricky|I know where this is going. I bet you've got a little bit of Bubba in your Hip Hop Challenge.}}
{{Steve|Oh ho ho, well, we did have the Hip Hop Challenge a couple of weeks ago, but I lost, so basically we're just playing a favourite hip hop track of ours aren't we?}}
{{Steve|Ho ho ho! Well, we did have the Hip Hop Challenge a couple of weeks ago, but I lost, so basically we're just playing a favourite hip hop track of ours aren't we, each week -}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Each week. And this is my selection, it's from Bubba's current album, it's not the hit "Ugly", it's er, the album's actually called "Dark Days, Bright Nights" and I believe this song presumably comes from that title 'cause it's called "Dark Days, Bright Nights", enjoy it Rick.}}
{{Steve|And this is my selection, it's from Bubba's current album, it's not the hit "Ugly", it's uhj, the album's actually called "Dark Days, Bright Nights" and I believe this song presumably comes from that title 'cause it's called "Dark Days, Bright Nights". Enjoy it, Rick.}}
{{Ricky|I will.}}
{{Ricky|I will.}}
{{Action|Song: Bubba Sparks - Dark Days, Bright Nights.}}
{{Action|Song: Bubba Sparxxx – Dark Days, Bright Nights}}


==Those Sparky Bubb Boys==
==Those Sparky Bubb Boys==
{{Steve|Bubba Sparks - Dark Days, Bright Nights, title track of his current album, Rick, what do you make of it?}}
{{Steve|Bubba Sparxxx, Dark Days, Bright Nights. Title track of his current album. Rick, what do you make of it?}}
{{Ricky|I love it, it's great, it's hypnotic... The chorus, is that... It sounds like Stevie Wonder or...}}
{{Ricky|I love it!}}
{{Steve|It does sound like Stevie, I don't know, I haven't got the inlay sleeve to hand, I can't tell you.}}
{{Steve|D’you enjoy it?}}
{{Ricky|It's great, it's hypnotic, it’s – aw. The chorus, is that a son- it sounds like Stevie Wonder, or -}}
{{Steve|It does sound like Steve, I uh, I don't know, I haven't got the inlay sleeve to hand, I can't tell you.}}
{{Ricky|Does anyone know? Maybe they could call in.}}
{{Ricky|Does anyone know? Maybe they could call in.}}
{{Steve|Rick, I'd love to give out the number, in fact I will; 08700 800 ****, ricky.gervais-at-xfm.co.uk, who is providing the chorus for Bubba Sparks' Dark Days, Bright Nights. 104.9 XFM.}}
{{Steve|Rick, uh, I'd love to give out the number, in fact I will: 08700 800 1234, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. Who is, uh, providing the chorus for Bubba Sparxxx’s Dark Days, Bright Nights. 104.9 Xfm.}}
{{Ricky|Well, from Bubba Sparks, to... Sparky Bubbs... Those... Sparky Bubb boys, Suede.}}
{{Ricky|Well, from Bubba Sparxxxs, to S-Sparky Bubbs – those - Sparky Bubb boys, Suede.}}
{{Steve|Heyyy, slick.}}
{{Steve|Heyyy! Slick.}}
{{Action|Song: Suede - Beautiful Ones.}}
{{Action|Song: Stroke – Last Nite}}
{{Action|Song: Strokes - Last Night.}}


==I Seem To Have Run Out of Words==
==I Seem To Have Run Out of Words==
{{Ricky|Strokes - Last Night on XFM 104.9 before that, Suede--}}
{{Ricky|Strokes, Last Nite on Xfm 104.9 before that, Suede--}}
{{Steve|Absolutely}}
{{Steve|Absolutely.}}
{{Ricky|-- Beautiful Ones. Fella just phoned up and said "You were talking about waterfoul before," the only bird with a penis is the swan, and he said we'd worried him about the ugly duckling, about, oh he turned into a swan, but a duckling's... Are not called ducklings, they're called signets. I pointed out that the swan in question didn't understand, 'cause he thought he was a duckling, and all the other ducks sorta laughed at him 'cause he was all gangly and everything, then he turned into a swan and he realised "Oh, I was a swan all along..."}}
{{Ricky|Beautiful Ones. Fella just phoned up and said "You were talking about water fowl before”. Um,}}
{{Steve|Cocks.}}
{{Ricky|The only – yeah, the only, bird with a penis is the swan, and he said we'd worried him about the ugly duckling, about, oh he turned into a swan, but a ducklings, they’re not called, um, ducklings, they’re called cygnets. I pointed out that the, the, the swan in question didn't understand,}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|'Cause he thought he was a -}}
{{Steve|An ugly ducking. Yep.}}
{{Ricky|A duckling, and that’s that - all the other ducks sorta laughed at him 'cause he was all gangly and everything, then he turned into a swan and he realised "Oh, I was a swan all along..."}}
{{Steve|Yeah, the ugly duckling story got me through so many bleak nights as a child.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, the ugly duckling story got me through so many bleak nights as a child.}}
{{Ricky|You couldn't wait to one day turn into a swan.}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Ricky|You couldn't wait to tur- one day turn into a swan.}}
{{Steve|Still waiting for it.}}
{{Steve|Still waiting for it.}}
{{Ricky|So you could have a knob! Yeah, 'cause er, so er... Look, Karl, look don't worry, this is a nice little, no one's gonna complain about this (!), this is lovely--}}
{{Ricky|So you could have a knob! Presumably.}}
{{Steve|It's kids stuff}}
{{Steve|So I could have a – yeah. Cock.}}
{{Ricky|--childish, lovely little innuendos, there's nothing nasty or vicious there's no hate.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, 'cause uh, so uh,}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Look, Karl, look don't worry, this is a nice little, no one's gonna complain about this, this is lovely, childish -}}
{{Steve|This is kid's stuff.}}
{{Ricky|Childish, lovely little innuendo, there's nothing nasty or vicious. There's no hate.}}
{{Steve|And anyway, off-air you're a different kettle of fish, you were trying to get us with the gaylords joke.}}
{{Steve|And anyway, off-air you're a different kettle of fish, you were trying to get us with the gaylords joke.}}
{{Ricky|Yes he was, he tried to do this, this was, we'd done the gaylord joke, "Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?" Karl, trying to get his own back, went "Did you watch Gaylords last night?" Brilliant.}}
{{Ricky|Yes he was! He tried to do this, we - we'd done the gaylord --"Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?" Karl, trying to get his own back, went "Did you watch Gaylords last night?" Brilliant.}}
{{Steve|It's gotta be, "Did you see that film last night, Gaylords say no?", and then you say "No", and we all point and laugh.}}
{{Steve|It's gotta be, "Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?", and then you say "No", and we all point and laugh.}}
{{Ricky|Oh! I was gonna ask you, is it true he's leaving Friday?}}
{{Ricky|Oh! It was - I was gonna ask you, is it true he's leaving Friday?}}
{{Action|Silence}}
{{Ricky|Robinson Crusoe.}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) Robinson Crusoe.}}
{{Steve|Nice one. High five Rick.}}
{{Steve|Nice one, high five Rick. Oh he got you the right one there. I dunno what that means, but he did.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Anyway.}}
{{Steve|Oh he got you the right – he got you the right one there. I dunno what that means, but he did.}}
{{Steve|Um, we were talking about Children In Need Rick.}}
{{Ricky|Anyway. Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Oh yeah, yeah}}
{{Steve|Um, we were talking about Children in Need, Rick.}}
{{Ricky|Oh yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|And um... Karl what's wrong with you?}}
{{Steve|And um... Karl what's wrong with you?}}
{{Ricky|He's just got it, he's just got it, go on. Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|He's just got it, he's just got it, go on. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Talking about Children In Need earlier, and er, as I say, I'm not a fan of it; this was a couple of years ago, I was working um... And we had to drive up to er... To Blackpool.}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Steve|We were talkin’ ‘bout Children in Need earlier, and uh, as I say, I'm not a fan of it, and I - this was a couple of years ago, I was working um... and we had to drive up to er... to Blackpool.}}
{{Ricky|Oh yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Oh yeah.}}
{{Steve|And so, it was Comic Relief night, it was a Friday night, and we were listening to all the different kinda BBC radio stations 'cause they all cover Comic Relief, they all sort of link up as one big thing--}}
{{Steve|And so, it was Comic Relief night, it was a Friday night, and we were listening to all the different kind of BBC radio stations 'cause they all cover Comic Relief, they all sort of link up as one big thing--}}
{{Ricky|Yeah}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|And er... I think this was maybe like sort of, I dunno, BBC Sollyhull or something, and er... They've always got like, they've got this one guy in the studio doing all the DJing, and um there's some bloke who's sort of outside the BBC with some kids and whatever else, and doing a kind of live linkup. The guy outside was Steve Baxter, I forget the name of the DJ inside---}}
{{Steve|And uh, I think this was maybe like sort of, I dunno, BBC Solihull or something, and uh … they've always got like, they've got this, this one guy in the studio doing all the DJing, and um there's some bloke who's sort of outside the BBC with some kids and whatever else, um, kind of doing a live linkup. And the guy outside was Steve Baxter, I forget the name of the DJ inside--}}
{{Ricky|I love the fact that you remember the man's name.}}
{{Ricky|I love the fact that you remember this man's name.}}
{{Steve|Well it's important because, er, we were listening and the guy in the studio he's there and he's chatting away, going "Got a signed picture here of er, The Spice Girls, all the girls have signed that, and so the highest bidder gets to win that, and you'll have that, and er... Um... I seem to have run out of words."}}
{{Steve|Well it's important because, er, we were listening and the guy in the studio he's there and he's chatting away, going "Got a signed picture here of er, The Spice Girls, all the girls have signed that, and so the highest bidder gets to win that, and you'll have that, and er... um... I seem to have run out of words”.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|He just said, "I seem to have run out of words." And we were like listening like... Ok... And he just went, "I seem to have run out of words... I wonder if Steve Baxter's got any for me.}}
{{Steve|He just said, "I seem to have run out of words”. And we were like listening like ... Ok ... And he just went, "I seem to have run out of words I wonder if Steve Baxter's got any for me”.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs again}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|And Steve Baxter's just outside like obviously not, not ready, just going...}}
{{Steve|And Steve Baxter's just outside like obviously not, not ready, just going, “Do what – mate?”}}
{{Ricky|Didn't have any words either? Well who's got all the words then?}}
{{Ricky|Didn't have any words either? Well who's got all the words then?}}
{{Steve|(laughing) It was wordless!}}
{{Steve|It was wordless!}}
{{Ricky|I don't believe it, he's probably used up too many words in the first hour...}}
{{Ricky|I don't believe it, he's probably used up too many words in the first hour -}}
{{Steve|Exactly, he's just used all the words up.}}
{{Steve|Exactly, he's just used all the words up.}}
{{Ricky|And he didn't want to repeat himself...}}
{{Ricky|And he didn't want to repeat himself,}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|So he just thought that, that's it, I've...}}
{{Ricky|So he just thought that, that's it, I've -}}
{{Steve|It was a hiddeous blunder, so we were um... We were enjoying that, and the work of Steve Baxter, and er, we were driving along, and then, we were driving along, and we got stuck in this jam on the way up to Blackpool, and I saw this kind of white Mercedes like a couple... And I thought, that looks quite swank, y'know, and um... '''Swank'''}}
{{Steve|It was a hideous blunder, so we were um … we were, we were enjoying that, and the work of Steve Baxter, and er, we were driving along, and then, we were driving along, and we got stuck in this, this jam on the way up to Blackpool, and I saw this kind of white Mercedes, like a couple... and I thought, that looks quite swank, y'know, and I’m – swank,}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|... and I drove up, we were driving up behind it, and the number plate was something, I can't remember exactly, but I think it was something like "ORV 1"... I'm thinking, interesting, "ORV 1", y'know... So we were driving alongside; who is driving, no actually is wasn't the driver, it was, there was a guy driving it, in the front seat, asleep...}}
{{Steve|And I drove up, we were driving up behind it, and the number plate was something, I can't remember exactly, but I think it was something like "ORV 1". I'm thinking “Interesting.” "ORV 1", y'know. So we were driving alongside - who is driving, no actually is wasn't the driver, it was, there was a guy driving it, in the front seat, asleep -}}
{{Karl|Green duck.}}
{{Karl|Green duck.}}
{{Steve|Keith Harris.}}
{{Steve|Keith Harris.}}
{{Ricky|Really?}}
{{Ricky|Really!}}
{{Steve|Keith Harris was there, Orville, as I recall, on the back seat.}}
{{Steve|Keith Harris was there. Orville, as I recall, on the back seat.}}
{{Ricky|Oh no!}}
{{Ricky|Oh no!}}
{{Steve|I couldn't believe it, yeah.}}
{{Steve|I couldn't believe it, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Was he asleep, or...?}}
{{Ricky|Was he asleep, or –}}
{{Steve|(laughing) I think he was asleep.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|I think he was asleep.}}
{{Ricky|Just knackered.}}
{{Ricky|Just knackered.}}
{{Steve|I didn't see Cuddles, the crazy monkey, I suspect, I imagine he would've popped up at some point just kind of annoying the driver's hair, going crazy.}}
{{Steve|I didn't, I didn’t see Cuddles, the crazy monkey, I suspect, I imagine he would've popped up at some point just kind of annoying the driver's hair, going crazy.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, you've gotta, I think Cuddles has to go in the boot.}}
{{Ricky|No – you’ve got - yeah, you've gotta, I think Cuddles has to go in the boot.}}
{{Steve|He's gotta go in the boot 'cause he'll cause havoc.}}
{{Steve|He's gotta go in the boot 'cause he'll cause havoc.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and he, knowing Cuddles he'd put his hands over the driver's eyes mucking around.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and he, knowing Cuddles he'd put his hands over the driver's eyes mucking around.}}
{{Steve|Exactly, causing all kinds of trouble.}}
{{Steve|Exactly, causing all kinds of trouble.}}
{{Ricky|But then the thing is, he doesn't understand road safety to be, to be fair.}}
{{Ricky|But then the thing is, he doesn't understand road safety to be, to be fair.}}
{{Steve|(laughing) Well he's a monkey.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|Well he's a monkey.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|He's a monkey and he's got a lisp.}}
{{Steve|He's a monkey and he's got a lisp.}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) Not even a real one at that. The thing is, what worries me about, um, Orville, is that that argument raged for years between him and Harris, and Orville's right; he can't fly.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah, and even a real one at that.}}
{{Steve|No.}}
{{Ricky|The thing is, what worries me about, um, Orville, is that that argument raged for years between him and Harris, and Orville's right -- he can't fly.}}
{{Steve|He can't fly, yeah.}}
{{Steve|He can't fly, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|So, I'm worried that Harris will lull him into a false sense of security.}}
{{Ricky|So, I'm worried that Harris will lull him into a false sense of security.}}
{{Steve|"But you can fly!"}}
{{Steve|"But you can fly!"}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and then when Harris is out, Orville'll climb onto a chair, onto a windowsill, basically think he can fly and just plummet--}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and then when Harris is out, Orville'll climb onto a chair, onto a windowsill, basically think he can fly and just plummet--}}
{{Steve|Yeah...}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|--to his death.}}
{{Ricky|To his death.}}
{{Steve|Just a quick point about Orville... I'm surprised he's still not potty trained.}}
{{Steve|Just a quick point about Orville - I'm surprised he's still not potty trained.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|'Cause he's been wearing that nappy of his for years!}}
{{Steve|'Cause he's been, he’s been wearing that nappy of his, for years!}}
{{Ricky|I know!}}
{{Ricky|I know! ‘Cause he’s -}}
{{Steve|He can talk, he's mastered the power of speech...}}
{{Steve|He can talk, he's mastered the power of speech!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah!}}
{{Steve|Still crapping everywhere I assume.}}
{{Steve|Still crapping everywhere I assume.}}
{{Ricky|I assume so...}}
{{Ricky|I assume so.}}
{{Steve|Flying around, terrible mess.}}
{{Steve|Flying around, terrible mess.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and has... Definately no... Hasn't... He's a duck so he hasn't got a cock.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and has - definitely no - hasn't - he's a duck so he hasn't got a cock.}}
{{Steve|He has not got a penis.}}
{{Steve|He has not got a penis.}}
{{Ricky|Penis, sorry. That was a mistake, there I did say cock meaning...}}
{{Ricky|Penis, sorry. That was a mistake, there I did say cock meaning -}}
{{Steve|Did you mean penis there?}}
{{Steve|Did you mean penis there?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah...}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|You shouldn't've said that Rick.}}
{{Steve|You shouldn't've said that Rick.}}
{{Ricky|I'm really sorry.}}
{{Ricky|I'm really sorry.}}
{{Steve|You should've pretended you meant bird.}}
{{Steve|You should've pretended you meant bird.}}
{{Ricky|Oh... I'm really sorry... Put your, put your fingers in your mouth like this Karl, right, pull it apart, like that...(muffled) Like that... Now just say "bucket and spade".}}
{{Ricky|Oh. I’m really sorry. Put your, put your fingers in your mouth like this Karl, right, pull it apart, like that. Like that. Now just say "bucket and spade".}}
{{Steve|No, with your fingers in your mouth.}}
{{Steve|No, with your fingers in your mouth.}}
{{Ricky|No, pull your fingers like that and jut say "bucket and spade".}}
{{Ricky|No, pull your fingers like that and jut say "bucket and spade".}}
{{Karl|(muffled) Bucket and spade.}}
{{Karl|Bucket and spade.}}
{{Together|Ricky and Steve|No...}}
{{Together|Ricky and Steve|No.}}
{{Ricky|Don't do that...}}
{{Ricky|Don't do that -}}
{{Steve|Keep your fingers in your mouth when you say it.}}
{{Steve|Keep your fingers in your mouth when you say it.}}
{{Karl|(muffled) Fuckit.}}
{{Karl|Bucket.}}
{{Ricky|Oh, Karl, play a record!}}
{{Ricky|Oh, Karl, play a record!}}
{{Steve|Oh that's outrageous Karl!}}
{{Steve|Oh that's outrageous, Karl!}}
{{Action|Song: Smashing Pumpkins - Untitled.}}
{{Action|Song: Smashing Pumpkins - Untitled}}


==Steve The Geek==
==Steve the Geek==
{{Ricky|Smashing Pumpkins - Untitled on XFM 104.9, I just gotta tell you something Steve, remember, erm, er, at my birthday party, er, my girlfriend had bought me one of those, um, er, arcade games you put money in in a pub.}}
{{Ricky|Smashing Pumpkins, Untitled, on Xfm 104.9. I just gotta tell you something Steve, remember, erm, er, at my birthday party, er, my girlfriend had bought me one of those, um, er, arcade games you put money in in a pub.}}
{{Steve|Oh it's a quiz machine though isn't it.}}
{{Steve|Oh it's a quiz machine though isn't it.}}
{{Ricky|Quiz machine, yeah, touch the screen right... And we were all playing, but Steve, with his general film knowledge... People were getting like 100,000 points and getting through right, Steve got something like 8 million.}}
{{Ricky|Quiz machine, yeah, touch the screen right. And we were all playing, but Steve, with his general film knowledge. W -people were getting like 100,000 points and getting through, right. Steve got something like 8 million.}}
{{Steve|Right listen, I got the top score on a movie trivia quiz game, right, who's the geek now?}}
{{Steve|Right listen, I got the top score on a movie trivia quiz game, right. Who's the geek now?}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Alright Karl? Hello!}}
{{Steve|Alright Karl? Hello!}}
{{Ricky|No but it was impossible, and I tried it, and for like months I thought, I just thought I've just gotta knock him off the top... And I did it with all the other catagories, and I was best at Rock, I was best at Rock, let's say that, but by no means as, y'know... The gap between right... A friend of mine and a friend of yours, Johnny Candon, the lovely Irish comedian came round last night--}}
{{Ricky|No but it was impossible, and I tried it, and for like months I thought, I just thought I've just gotta knock him off the top. And I did it with all the other catagories, and I was best at Rock, I was best at Rock, let's say that, but by no means as, y'know. The – the gap between right - a friend of mine and a friend of yours, Johnny Candon, the lovely Irish comedian came round last night--}}
{{Steve|Yeah}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|--had a couple of goes; he got something like 30 million.}}
{{Ricky|--had a couple of goes. He got something like 30 million.}}
{{Steve|That's mental. That's madness.}}
{{Steve|That's mental. That's madness.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. In fact, he's... You're right, 'cause um, Johnny bought this comic right, he loves Doctor Who, and he bought this comic, and Steve, he left it there, and Steve go a post-it note and on every page wrote "GEEK". Johnny gets it home, reads this, reading it on the tube, and there's "GEEK" written everywhere, on every page. That's the sort of vicious man Steve is. He can hand it out, d'you know what I mean? Imagine him calling you a geek, what could that, what must that feel like, to be called a geek by Steve Merchant? What do you think Karl?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. In fact, he's - you're right, 'cause um, Johnny bought this comic right, he loves Doctor Who, and he bought this comic, and Steve, he left it there, and Steve go a post-it note and on every page wrote "GEEK".}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Johnny gets it home, reads this, reads it on the tube, and there's "GEEK" written everywhere, on every page. That's the sort of vicious man Steve is. He can hand it out, d'you know’t I mean? Imagine him calling you a geek, what could that- what must that feel like, to be called a geek by Steve Merchant? What do you think Karl?}}
{{Karl|Every week he has a go at me anyway.}}
{{Karl|Every week he has a go at me anyway.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|What're you talking about I haven't had a go at you! You're having a go at me every week!}}
{{Steve|What're you talking about I haven't had a go at you! You're having a go at me every week!}}
{{Karl|You have, for the last... 3 weeks...}}
{{Karl|You have, for the last 3 weeks -}}
{{Steve|What?}}
{{Steve|What?}}
{{Karl|You've been having a go at me.}}
{{Karl|You've been having a go at me!}}
{{Steve|I have not had a go at you, you've always had a go at me!}}
{{Steve|I have not had a go -- you've always had a go at me!}}
{{Karl|No, you've always said to me, "What do I look like?", and what do you expect me to do, lie?}}
{{Karl|No, you've always said to me, "What do I look like?", and what do you expect me to do, lie?}}
{{Ricky|Ooooh he's done you again Steve!}}
{{Ricky|Ooooh he's done you again Steve!}}
{{Karl|No I'm not getting into this...}}
{{Karl|No I'm not getting into this, ‘cause,}}
{{Ricky|He's done you again!}}
{{Ricky|He's done you again!}}
{{Karl|A young lad called up before and said "Oh, have a go at Steve again and his looks," and it's not like a game, I'm not like, coming in here every week and wanting to make you look... Y'know, come across as an ugly bloke... I don't need to do that...}}
{{Karl|A young lad called up before and said "Oh, have a go at Steve again and his looks”, and it's not like a game, I'm not like, coming in here every week and wanting to make you look - y'know, come across as an ugly bloke. I don't need to do that.}}
{{Ricky|He's done you again! He's done you up.}}
{{Ricky|He's done you again! He's done you up.}}
{{Steve|What... I can't... Is this 'cause of the gaylord stuff?}}
{{Steve|What I can't -- is this 'cause of the gaylord stuff?}}
{{Karl|No, it's just...}}
{{Karl|No, it's just,}}
{{Steve|That you're having a go at me?}}
{{Steve|That you're having a go at me again?}}
{{Karl|It's just that you, you had a go at me before I started with you...}}
{{Karl|It's just that you, you had a go at me before I started with you...}}
{{Steve|I didn't have a go at you at all I was talking to Ricky! I haven't had a word, haven't spoken a word to you!}}
{{Steve|I didn't have a go at you at all I was talking to Ricky! I haven't had a word, I haven't spoken a word to you!}}
{{Karl|It's in your eyes...}}
{{Karl|It's in your eyes...}}
{{Steve|Is this why you're in an ugly mood, a bad mood a generally grim mood? Is it 'cause, like, you just think I'm gonna have a go at you?}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|Is this why you're in an ugly mood, a bad mood, a generally grim mood? Is it 'cause, like, you, you just think I'm gonna have a go at you?}}
{{Karl|I dunno what it is, when I get here you're alright, and then soon as you come in here you change.}}
{{Karl|I dunno what it is, when I get here you're alright, and then soon as you come in here you change.}}
{{Steve|I don't... Haven't done anything! What're you talking about, you're paranoid! I haven't said anything mate!}}
{{Steve|I don't – I haven't done anything! What're you talking about, you're paranoid! I haven't said anything mate!}}
{{Ricky|I'm keeping out of it...}}
{{Ricky|I'm keeping out of it.}}
{{Steve|I've drawn a little picture of you here but I'm not...}}
{{Steve|I've drawn a little picture of you here but I've not said anything!}}
{{Ricky|I tell you what, what we need now is a song for the lovers. I tell you now, this has been one of my favourite songs for about 20 years, it's by David Bowie; now David Bowie's had his phases, and I liked his glam stuff, and, y'know, Tin Machine, went off, and y'know, he... He's always sort of... There, on and off right, but this song is off Space Oddity, it's called Letter To Hermione, and I don't know why he stopped writing songs like this, 'cause this is probably one of the most beautiful songs... Ever recorded, and I know Steve agrees with me on this.}}
{{Ricky|I tell you what, what we need now is a Song for the Lovers.}}
{{Steve|Oh, please!}}
{{Ricky|I want tell you now, this has been one of my favourite songs for about 20 years, it's by David Bowie; now David Bowie's had his phases, and I liked his glam stuff, and I, y'know, Tin Machine, went off, and y'know, he - he's always sort of, there, on and off, right, but this song is off Space Oddity, it's called Letter To Hermione, and I don't know why he stopped writing songs like this, 'cause this is probably one of the most beautiful songs, ever recorded, and I know Steve agrees with me on this.}}
{{Steve|I do indeed, Rick, can I just kiss and make up with Karl?}}
{{Steve|I do indeed, Rick, can I just kiss and make up with Karl?}}
{{Ricky|No, that is...}}
{{Ricky|No, that is -}}
{{Steve|No lemme just, lemme just give him a kiss.}}
{{Steve|No lemme just, lemme just give him a kiss.}}
{{Karl|Yeah but it doesn't... Next... Then next week you'll be the same again!}}
{{Karl|Yeah but it does- next – but then next week you'll be the same again!}}
{{Steve|What're you talking about?}}
{{Steve|What're you talking about?}}
{{Karl|It doesn't mean anything!}}
{{Karl|It doesn't mean anything!}}
{{Steve|Let's kiss on the lips.}}
{{Steve|Let's kiss on the lips.}}
{{Karl|Like saying sorry.}}
{{Karl|It’s like saying sorry.}}
{{Ricky|Oh...}}
{{Ricky|Oh -}}
{{Steve|Kiss on the lips?}}
{{Steve|Kiss on the lips?}}
{{Ricky|Go on, look he's, look...}}
{{Ricky|Go on, look he's, look -}}
{{Steve|(distant) Karl... Karl...!}}
{{Steve|Karl ... Karl ...!}}
{{Karl|(struggling, distant) Get... Off... Me...!}}
{{Karl|Get – off – me!}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) I have never... Karl has gone a absolute shade of purple straining not to have Merchant's...}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Ricky|I have never – rr-- Karl has gone a absolute shade of purple straining not to have Merchant's -}}
{{Karl|There's no point, Steve.}}
{{Karl|There's no point, Steve.}}
{{Ricky|No...}}
{{Ricky|No.}}
{{Steve|What you talkin’ ‘bout?}}
{{Karl|There's no point.}}
{{Karl|There's no point.}}
{{Ricky|No just shake, just shake and make up.}}
{{Ricky|No, no just shake, just shake and make up.}}
{{Steve|(laughing) Shake what Rick?}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Ricky|There ya go, all friends, sit down. This, that's lovely, that's a lovely moment. Er, it's XFM 104.9, and this is Letter To Hermione by David Bowie, it's beautiful.}}
{{Steve|Shake what Rick?}}
{{Action|Song: David Bowie - Letter To Hermione.}}
{{Ricky|There ya go, all friends, sit down. This, that's lovely, that's a lovely moment. Er, it's Xfm 104.9, and this is Letter To Hermione by David Bowie. It's beautiful.}}
 
{{Action|Song: David Bowie Letter to Hermione}}
==Karl the Poet==
==Karl the Poet==
{{Ricky|Letter To Hermione by David Bowie. Well, after that I think he wrote The Laughing Gnome.}}
{{Ricky|Letter To Hermione! By David Bowie. Well, after that I think he wrote The Laughing Gnome.}}
{{Steve|I know, it's just... The thing about David Bowie, I feel the same way, it's like he's clearly a great, y'know, rock musician, great, y'know, great fun records, y'know, I saw him at Glastonbury, absolutely fantastic entertainer, but his songs have never gripped me, they've never got me at heart, y'know.}}
{{Steve|I know, it's just -- the thing about David Bowie, I feel the same way, it's like he's clearly a great, y'know, rock musician, great, y'know, great fun records, y'know, I saw him at Glastonbury, absolutely fantastic entertainer, but his songs have never gripped me, they've never got me at heart, y'know.}}
{{Ricky|Except that one.}}
{{Ricky|Except that one.}}
{{Steve|Except that one--}}
{{Steve|Except that one--}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah. They’re all good. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|--that's the first one I've ever heard of his which has really got me in the gut... Amazing lyrics. Brilliant. Karl what're your thoughts?}}
{{Steve|That's the first one I've ever heard of his which has really got me in the gut. Amazing lyrics.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Brilliant. Karl what're your thoughts?}}
{{Karl|S'alright.}}
{{Karl|S'alright.}}
{{Steve|Yeah... You're a poet, Karl.}}
{{Steve|Yeah. You're a poet, Karl.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Play something else then...}}
{{Steve|Play something else then.}}
{{Action|Song: Radiohead - True Love Waits}}
{{Action|Song: Blur Coffee and TV}}
{{Action|Song: Blur - Coffee and TV.}}
 
==Ricky Gervais Film Review - Rainman==
==Ricky Gervais Film Review - Rainman==
{{Ricky|Blur - Coffee and TV, good to hear that one again.}}
{{Ricky|Blur, Coffee and TV. Good to hear that one again.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, it's good.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, it's good.}}
{{Ricky|Before that, Radiohead - True Love Waits, well Steve, it's time for my world-famous film review.}}
{{Ricky|Before that, Radiohead, True Love Waits. Well Steve, it's time for my world-famous Film Review.}}
{{Steve|People love it.}}
{{Steve|People love it.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
Line 570: Line 688:
{{Steve|How, can I just ask--}}
{{Steve|How, can I just ask--}}
{{Ricky|Go on}}
{{Ricky|Go on}}
{{Steve|--before you crack on with the film review, I notice you often do films that... People have already seen.}}
{{Steve|Before you crack on with the film review, I notice you often do films that, people have already seen.}}
{{Ricky|Well you see, that's what I mean, that's why I think your film review failed, because people didn't know what film you were talking about, they hadn't seen it.}}
{{Ricky|Well you see, that's what I mean, that's why I think your film review failed, because people didn't know what film you were talking about, they hadn't seen it.}}
{{Steve|Yes...}}
{{Steve|Yes.}}
{{Ricky|See, whereas mine, I pick ones they've seen, y'know, that...}}
{{Ricky|See, whereas mine, I pick ones they've seen, y'know, that, that -}}
{{Steve|Well a lot of people would say that, that the benefit of a film review, was the fact that they hadn't seen it yet so they were gonna make up their mind based on that.}}
{{Steve|Well a lot of people would say that, that the benefit of a film review, was the fact that they hadn't seen it yet so they were gonna make up their mind based on that review.}}
{{Ricky|I dunno, I dunno who'd say that.}}
{{Ricky|I dunno, I dunno who'd say that.}}
{{Karl|I prefer Ricky's.}}
{{Karl|I prefer Ricky's.}}
{{Steve|Ok.}}
{{Steve|Ok.}}
{{Ricky|See?}}
{{Ricky|See?}}
{{Steve|Alright Karl, see there you are again, being nasty to me---}}
{{Steve|Alright Karl, see there you are again, being nasty to me -}}
{{Ricky|NO, he's got a choice!}}
{{Ricky|No – ... - he's got a choice!}}
{{Steve|Alright anyway, so my point is that, how would you hope people would use your reviews?}}
{{Steve|Alright anyway, so my point is that, how would you hope people would use your reviews?}}
{{Ricky|Whatever they, however they want, really.}}
{{Ricky|Whatever they, however they want, really.}}
{{Steve|Ok...}}
{{Steve|Ok. Ok.}}
{{Ricky|So...}}
{{Ricky|So...}}
{{Steve|Would you hope that they'd maybe seen the film but they hadn't yet made up their mind?}}
{{Steve|Would you hope that they'd maybe seen the film but they hadn't yet made up their mind?}}
{{Ricky|Whether they liked it or not?}}
{{Ricky|Whether they liked it or not?}}
{{Steve|Whether they liked it or not.}}
{{Steve|Whether they liked it or not.}}
{{Ricky|Well this is up, again, this is up to them, this is, y'know, this is for everyone; it's easy...}}
{{Ricky|Well this is up, again, up to them, this is, y'know, this is for everyone. It’s easy -}}
{{Steve|So if someone say had seen, 'cause I think, was it, you did er, one of your most famous ones I think was er, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.}}
{{Steve|So if someone say had seen, 'cause I think, was it, you did er, one of your most famous ones I think was er, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Now that came out I think in 1975,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Now that came out I think in 1975, so maybe some people saw it in 1975, haven't yet made up their mind as to what they thought of the film...}}
{{Steve|So maybe some people saw it in 1975, haven't yet made up their mind as to what they thought of it.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, now this is, this'll put 'em straight in what to look for next time maybe. Um, I've just, well, ok, ready? <i>Ricky Gervais Film Review...</i>}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, now this is, this'll put 'em straight}}
{{Steve|Sure.}}
{{Ricky|In what to look for next time maybe.}}
{{Steve|Ok.}}
{{Ricky|Um, I've just, oh well, ready? Ricky Gervais Film Review...}}
{{Steve|Sure}}
{{Steve|Sure}}
{{Ricky|...Review. Right? Chosen Rain Man.}}
{{Ricky|Review. Right? Chosen Rain Man.}}
{{Steve|Rain Man? Ok now this has been on TV quite a few times and it was a multiple Oscar winner.}}
{{Steve|Rain Man? Ok, now this has been on TV quite a few times and it was a multiple Oscar winner.}}
{{Ricky|Exactly!}}
{{Ricky|Exactly!}}
{{Steve|Ok...}}
{{Steve|Ok.}}
{{Ricky|So... Ok. Right. Rain Man, it's got... Tom Cruise in it, and he's alright, he's normal, but he finds out he's got a brother who's a bit mad, Dustin Hoffman is doing it, right, and he's meant to be, he's all weird but he's meant to be, so it's good acting. Now, he... Oh, God... He needs to keep his brother, but they don't want him to have a brother, and... He doesn't remember a lot, but he dropped him in the bath and burned him when he was little, clumsy idiot. But then he finds out he can make a bit of money so they get the same suits, and they go "Bet 2 for good," well because he's got special powers, so he can know what the, the roulette. And he wins that, and he drops them toothpicks 'cause he knows how many there are, and he recognises the waitress he saw through the book. He's got all his football cards, don't put them out of order, don't go in the telephone box with him he smells, and get him back in time for Jeopardy or watch it. Anyway, then he'll slap his head and get worried, Quantas don't crash, so he's got a... All that, and in the end he doesn't, I don't think, but they'll... At least they've met eachother.}}
{{Ricky|So... Ok. Right. Rain Man, it's got... Tom Cruise in it,}}
{{Steve|Yeah, yeah. Course, Rain Man, a film about autism, which is strangely appropriate, I think, when you're reviewing it.}}
{{Steve|Yup.}}
{{Ricky|And he's alright, he's normal, but he finds out he's got a brother who's a bit mad, Dustin Hoffman is doing it, right, and it’s meant to be, he's all weird but he's meant to be, so it's good acting. Now, he - oh, God - he needs to keep his brother, but they don't want him to have a brother, and ... he doesn't remember a lot, but he dropped him in the bath and burned him when he was little, clumsy idiot. But then he finds out he can make a bit of money so they get the same suits, and they go "Bet 2 for good, 1 --" because he's got special powers, so he can know what the, what the roulette. And he wins that, and he drops them toothpicks, he he knows how many there are, and he recognises the waitress he saw through the book. He's got all his football cards, don't put them out of order, don't go in the telephone box with him he smells, and get him back in time for Jeopardy or watch it. Anyway, then he'll slap his head and get worried, Quantas don't crash, so he's got a … all that, and in the end he doesn't, I don't think, but they'll … at least they've met each other.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, yeah. Course, Rain Man, a film about autism, which is strangely appropriate, I think, when you're reviewing it.}}
{{Ricky|Anyway...}}
{{Ricky|Anyway...}}
{{Steve|What would you give it out of er, 10?}}
{{Steve|What would you give it out of er, 10?}}
{{Ricky|Oh a 9.}}
{{Ricky|Oh a 9.}}
{{Steve|Ok. Thanks very much for that. Useful? Yeah? Have you seen the film before?}}
{{Steve|Ok. Thanks very much for that. Useful?}}
{{Karl|Mm.}}
{{Steve|Yeah? Have you seen the film before?}}
{{Karl|No, but I, I will now.}}
{{Karl|No, but I, I will now.}}
{{Steve|Ok, jolly good, well excellent.}}
{{Act:Together|Ricky and Steve laugh}}
{{Steve|Ok, jolly good, well, excellent.}}
{{Action|Song: New Order - 60 Miles an Hour}}
{{Action|Song: New Order - 60 Miles an Hour}}


==Under The Covers==
==Under The Covers==
{{Ricky|New Order - 60 Miles an Hour on XFM 104.9. Well about quater of an hour to go.}}
{{Ricky|New Order, 60 Miles an Hour, on Xfm 104.9. Well about quarter of an hour to go.}}
{{Steve|Yup.}}
{{Steve|Yup.}}
{{Ricky|Still got your song for the ladies.}}
{{Ricky|Still got your Song for the Ladies.}}
{{Steve|Song for the ladies, coming up. Time now though, Rick, for Under the Covers! You've Got Me Covered! Cover Me Bad!}}
{{Steve|Song for the Ladies, coming up. Um, time now though, Rick, for Under the Covers! You've Got Me Covered! Cover Me Bad!}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Um, which is when we play a cover version--}}
{{Steve|Um, which is when we play a cover version of -}}
{{Ricky|Yeah}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|of er, a well known hit.}}
{{Steve|Of er, a well known hit.}}
{{Ricky|Just see the sort of effort that goes into this show.}}
{{Ricky|Just see the sort of effort that goes into this show.}}
{{Steve|There's a lot of work.}}
{{Steve|There's a lot of work!}}
{{Ricky|We've learned something, we've learned the only bird with a, um, a penis is the swan; we've had an interesting anecdote where he saw Orville.}}
{{Ricky|We've learned something, we've learned the only bird with a, um, a penis is the swan,}}
{{Steve|(laughing) I saw Orville; Keith Harris and Orville.}}
{{Steve|The swan.}}
{{Ricky|We've had a film review, Rain Man.}}
{{Ricky|We've had an interesting anecdote, what, where he saw Orville.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|I saw Orville. Keith Harris and Orville.}}
{{Ricky|We - we've had a film review, Rain Man.}}
{{Steve|Informative.}}
{{Steve|Informative.}}
{{Ricky|Award-winning, an award-winning film I reviewed today.}}
{{Ricky|Award-winning, an award-winning film I reviewed today.}}
{{Steve|(laughing) Yeah, yes.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Ricky|So...}}
{{Steve|Yes, yes.}}
{{Ricky|So ...}}
{{Steve|That was an Oscar-winner, Karl.}}
{{Steve|That was an Oscar-winner, Karl.}}
{{Ricky|Ants, there's been things about ants.}}
{{Ricky|Ants, there's been things about ants.}}
Line 632: Line 765:
{{Steve|If you missed the beginning you won't know that fact.}}
{{Steve|If you missed the beginning you won't know that fact.}}
{{Ricky|We've had various songs.}}
{{Ricky|We've had various songs.}}
{{Steve|Music}}
{{Steve|Music.}}
{{Ricky|And that.}}
{{Ricky|And that.}}
{{Steve|Beautiful.}}
{{Steve|Beautiful.}}
{{Ricky|So... Carry on Steve.}}
{{Ricky|So, carry on Steve.}}
{{Steve|Cover Me Up. Erm, The White Stripes, everyone's raving about them Rick}}
{{Steve|Cover Me Up. Um, The White Stripes, everyone's raving about them, Rick.}}
{{Ricky|Sure}}
{{Ricky|Sure.}}
{{Steve|er, they are an exciting band, and this is their cover of the Dolly Parton classic, Jolene.}}
{{Steve|Um, they are an exciting band, and this is their cover of the Dolly Parton classic, Jolene.}}
{{Ricky|Love it already.}}
{{Ricky|Love it already.}}
{{Action|Song: The White Stripes - Jolene}}
{{Action|Song: White Stripes - Jolene}}
 
==Karl and the Lyrics==
==Karl and the Lyrics==
{{Steve|White Stripes, and their version of Jolene. What did you make of it Rick?}}
{{Steve|White Stripes, and their version of Jolene. What did you make of it Rick?}}
{{Ricky|Loved it. Loved it. I wanna ask Karl a question though. 'Cause Karl, sometimes in awe of this new-fangled world we live in... What, er, what do of the scenario, what do you think's going on there, 'cause it's a bloke singing to a woman begging her not to take his man. What, what do you think's going on there?}}
{{Ricky|I loved it. Loved it. I wanna ask Karl a question though.}}
{{Karl|Say again?}}
{{Steve|Mmhm. Mmhm.}}
{{Ricky|'Cause Karl’s, sometimes in awe of this new-fangled world we live in. What, er, what do of the scenario, what do you think's going on there, 'cause it's a bloke singing to a woman begging her not to take his man. What, what do you think's going on there?}}
{{Karl|Say it again?}}
{{Ricky|Well, that's a bloke there, singing, innit.}}
{{Ricky|Well, that's a bloke there, singing, innit.}}
{{Karl|Yeah, to his, to his er... To his wife, Jolene.}}
{{Karl|Yeah, to his, to his uh, wife, Jolene.}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Right, were you listening to the lyrics, or...?}}
{{Steve|Right, were you, were you listening to the lyrics, or -}}
{{Karl|Y'see, I, I got mixed up there, I thought it was about that, that one about the person who chucked themself off a bridge. So I was thinking more about that than listening to that one.}}
{{Karl|Y'see, I, I got mixed up anyway, I thought it was about that, that one about the person who chucked himself off of a bridge. So I was thinking more about that than listening to that one.}}
{{Ricky|Right, listen.}}
{{Ricky|Right, listen.}}
{{Karl|Well go on.}}
{{Karl|Well go on.}}
{{Ricky|Right; "Jolene Jolene, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Your flaming locks of aubern hair, even though you can, don't, he's all I've got, you're a beautiful woman, don't take my man, 'cause I can't compete with you." Right?}}
{{Ricky|Right - "Jolene Jolene, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Your flaming locks of auburn hair... even though you can, don't, he's all I've got, you're a beautiful woman, don't take my man, 'cause I can't compete with you”. Right?}}
{{Karl|Yep.}}
{{Karl|Yep.}}
{{Ricky|What do you think's going on there though, 'cause y'know it's Dolly Parton singing it, we know what's going on, they're fighting over the same man aren't we?}}
{{Ricky|What do you think's going on there though, 'cause y'know it's Dolly Parton singing it, we know what's going on, they're fighting over the same man aren't we?}}
Line 659: Line 793:
{{Ricky|What do you think's going on when a bloke's singing it to Jolene, what do you think of the scenario there?}}
{{Ricky|What do you think's going on when a bloke's singing it to Jolene, what do you think of the scenario there?}}
{{Karl|It's one of them names innit, that could be a bloke's name, it's like Leslie.}}
{{Karl|It's one of them names innit, that could be a bloke's name, it's like Leslie.}}
{{Ricky|(under breath) Oh Christ... Ok sorry, it was a...}}
{{Ricky|Oh Christ. Ok sorry, it was a -}}
{{Steve|I don't, I wish you'd not asked him that question}}
{{Steve|I don't, I wish you'd not asked him that question}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|So exhausting.}}
{{Steve|So exhausting.}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) I love him. I love Karl.}}
{{Ricky|I love him. I love Karl.}}
{{Steve|Do ants sleep Karl?}}
{{Steve|Do ants sleep Karl?}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky laughs}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|Which, which bird's got a cock?}}
{{Steve|Which, which bird's got a cock?}}
{{Karl|Swan.}}
{{Karl|Swan.}}
{{Steve|The swan, ok, nice one. Listen, I wanna play that song for various people who've emailed and phoned in saying they want requests, we don't really play requests on the show; we like to mention them anyway, er, Matt Bar, Magicthighs... Er... That's not Matt Bar's Magicthighs, that's Matt Bar and Magicthighs. Kieran in Dublin, Stewart in Hackney, Lisa and Alison in Crouchend, and Glen in Crystal Palace who was phoning up with a nice message earlier, all of you thanks for listening, and er, thanks for enjoying it, sorry we didn't play your requests but er, tune in next time, it'll be fun. Um, anyway, that's just all I wanted to say really.}}
{{Steve|A swan, Ok, nice one. Listen, I wanna play that song for various people who've, uh, emailed in and phoned in saying they want requests, we don't really play requests on the show. We like to mention them anyway, er, Matt Bar, Magicthighs ... er ... that's not Matt Bar's Magicthighs, that's Matt Bar and Magicthighs. Kieran in Dublin, Stewart in Hackney, Lisa and Alison in Crouchend, and Glen in Crystal Palace who was phoning up with a nice, uh, message earlier. All of you, thanks for listening, and er, thanks for enjoying it, sorry we didn't play your requests but er, tune in next time, it'll be fun. Um, anyway, that's just all I wanted to say really.}}
{{Karl|It's... It is tragic.}}
{{Karl|It - it is tragic.}}
{{Steve|What's tragic?}}
{{Steve|What's tragic?}}
{{Karl|What, what did you want me to say about that song?}}
{{Karl|What, what did you want me to say about that song?}}
{{Ricky|Just your opinion, your own opinion is fine, in fact, your own opinion is better than anything I could really hope for. Without doubt; whenever I ask you a question...}}
{{Ricky|Just your opinion, your own opinion is fine.}}
{{Karl|It’s sound.}}
{{Ricky|In fact, your own opinion is better than anything I could really hope for. Without doubt. Whenever I ask you a question,}}
{{Steve|You constantly surprise us, Karl.}}
{{Steve|You constantly surprise us, Karl.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. You're... It's... It's wonderful so only ever, carry on telling the truth, carry on saying exactly what's on your mind, and I think this could become a great---}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. You're – it’s – it’s wonderful. So only ever, carry on telling the truth, carry on saying exactly what's on your mind, and I think this could become a great -}}
{{Steve|You're like a man who was frozen in Victorian era and has been reawoken, and is kinda discovering the world; some things make sense, other things don't, it's beautiful.}}
{{Steve|You're like a man who was frozen in Victorian era,}}
{{Act:Ricky|Ricky Laughs}}
{{Steve|And has been re-awoken, and he’s kinda discovering the world. Some things make sense, other things don't. I's beautiful.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, as opposed to one that was made in a castle in Victorian times like Steve.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, as opposed to one that was made in a castle in Victorian times like Steve.}}
{{Steve|Oh that's just...}}
{{Steve|Oh that's just -}}
{{Ricky|Ahh, I've joined it with Karl...}}
{{Ricky|Ahh, I've joined it with Karl.}}
{{Steve|I can't believe it Rick.}}
{{Steve|I can't believe it Rick!}}
{{Ricky|I'm sorry}}
{{Ricky|I'm sorry.}}
{{Steve|I thought you were on my side.}}
{{Steve|I thought you were on my side!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, no, it was irresistable though wasn't it? I'm really sorry. Shall we play a record?}}}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, no, it was irresistible though wasn't it? I'm really sorry. Shall we play a record?}}
{{Action|Song: Unknown.}}
{{Action|Song}}
 
==Cums With a Smile==
==Cums With a Smile==
{{Ricky|Right, I'm afraid that is about it from us.}}
{{Ricky|Right, I'm afraid that is about it from us.}}
{{Steve|Absolutely, um, I always leave the ladies with a song Rick, as you know, and the song for the ladies this week, again it comes from the free giveaway CD that comes with this excellent little magasine called "Comes With a Smile." And er, there's always something interesting and I played---}}
{{Steve|Absolutely, um, I always leave the ladies with a song Rick, as you know, and the Song for the Ladies this week, again it comes from the free giveaway CD that comes with this excellent little magazine called "Comes With a Smile." And er, there's always something interesting and I played -}}
{{Ricky|How're you spelling that?}}
{{Ricky|How're you spelling that?}}
{{Steve|Heh, I've played er The Mull Historical Society before, this is a track, it says it's just a demo, which is, I dunno why, if they haven't been picked up, it's outrageous. They're called Sloan and this is called Pretty Together, see you next time.}}
{{Act:Steve|Steve Laughs}}
{{Steve|I've played, uh, The Mull Historical Society before, this is a track, it says it's just a demo, which is, I dunno why, if they haven't been picked up, it's outrageous. They're called Sloan and this is called Pretty Together. See you next time.}}
{{Ricky|Goodbye!}}
{{Ricky|Goodbye!}}
{{Action|Song: Sloan - Pretty Together.}}
{{Action|Song: Sloan Pretty Together}}  
 


[[Category:Transcripts|1.02]]
[[Category:Transcripts|1.02]]

Latest revision as of 21:21, 25 April 2014

This is a transcription of the 17 November 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show and contains language which may cause offense.

Mystic Mug

Ricky: Xfm 104.9, Dandy Warhols, Bohemian Like You. It's the Ricky Gervais Show.

Steve: With Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Yeah! Exactly, and Karl, who's turned our microphones on.

Steve: Whay!

Ricky: Can’t believe it. Doin’ that.

Steve: Good to see you Karl, good to see you Ricky.

Ricky: Cheers, cheers. Now, in a fun filled and music filled show, we've got music and fun.

Steve: Yes, looking forward to that.

Ricky: Two hours, solid two hours, there's no gaps.

Steve: There's nothing – there’s no.

Ricky: There'll be no dead air.

Steve: There will be adverts sometimes..

Ricky: The adverts, yer, but I mean you know, that's, that’s what pays our wages innit really.

Steve: Certainly. Certainly.

Ricky: And some of the adverts I think are quite amusing!

Steve: Yes! No I think the ones that you're on.

Ricky: Yeah. Uh, we've got um... our Hip-Hop Challenge, we've got Song for the Lovers, Song For The Ladies, we've got a film review, so, just, yeah.

Steve: Magnificent, had any calls about that Rick? Any, maybe Channel 5 or someone onto you?

Ricky: No, there haven't no.

Steve: That's strange, that's weird....

Ricky: No, no, but it's, I think it's a bit ahead of itself, because it's very unique.

Steve: Sure. Sure.

Ricky: It’s not like other -- it's a bit, a bit out there. Anything caught your eye, uh, this week Steve?

Steve: Well Rick, I uh, I know that both you and I are kind of obsessed with these people who believe in, you know, people who can predict the future, or have got contact with the dead or whatever,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uh, I know Mystic Meg is a bit of a nonsense, but people do take her seriously. On the cover of The Sun today: Mystic Meg Won Me 15 Million Quid.

Ricky: Wow!

Steve: Right, and you're thinking, that's not – that’s a pretty amazing claim, I know that Karl believes in Mystic Meg and all that sort of rubbish, you know. You're thinking, wow, here at last is proof that she has got powers, and you're wondering to yourself, well maybe she predicted the numbers specifically, you know that would be a hell of a --

Ricky: Just to - just to him..

Steve: Yeah, which is incredible, which is absolutely incredible.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so there's this guy, uh, "Lottery Mad Tom Nailer", he's a lorry driver, right, he won 15 million quid.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He says, um, "I always read my horoscope in The Sun and follow the advice". Ah, basically, what Meg said was: "Keep a lottery ticket in a yellow mug, to add luck". So you're thinking, well Ok, he's kept his ticket in a yellow mug, that's still pretty extraordinary,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Mm. "I didn't have a yellow mug," says Tom, "So I put it in the pages of my mapbook"... sorry, "I put the ticket in the pages of my map book, which is yellow”.

Ricky: Right. He's used the yellow, no, he's used the yellow!

Steve: Yeah, no, see I don't know much about how Mystic Meg works, I'm assuming maybe there's some kind of pseudo-science that she applies.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I think if she'd said put it near anything yellow: fine.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She said put it in a yellow mug, that's pretty specific,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: From that he's thought, “Well I'll ignore Meg's advice, I always do what she says .. if she says put it in a yellow mug, I’ll put it in –“

Ricky: She's had two sort of like, you know, um, uh, points of reference there: the descriptive, the yellowness of the object,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And the object itself and that should one be a mug.

Steve: Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Ricky: What's missing in the yellow book is the mugness.

Steve: The mugness! Is one of the intrinsic elements.

Ricky: It's got lots of bookness,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But it wasn't the bookness that gave him the 15 million. So uh,

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Ricky: I reckon, I reckon: Mystic Meg Won Me 7 and a Half Million.

Steve: Right.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Would have been a more accurate --

Steve: Sure, sure, yeah. So, I don't know, what, Karl, do you think that's pretty spooky? And weird, unnatural stuff?

Karl: Sor-I’m just a bit livid today. I wasn't really listenin' to what you were saying.

Steve: Not paying attention!

Karl: Yeah, sorry.

Steve: Ok. Do you wanna notify us, before we ask you a question?

Ricky: Yer, yeah, you are given to us, go on – wh-what --

Karl: No, it would have just been nice if woulda, like, warned me you were gonna ask me about it... I'm just, just a bit livid.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Go on, what about?

Karl: Just, just, I don’t wanna talk about it.

Steve: Have I done something?

Karl: No, no, not you two. Just, just a bit livid.

Ricky: Eh! Xfm 104.9!

Steve Laughs

Song: Adam F. and MOP - Stand Clear


Birds With Knobs

Ricky: Stand clear, Adam F, MOP. We all know who's dad Adam F. is.

Steve: Who was it again?

Ricky: No... We all know who's Adam F.'s dad of. We all of know dads. Do we?

Steve: Rick, can you keep it, keep filling, ‘cause I've realised I've left my mobile phone on, and the kind of calls I’m gonna be getting on a Saturday afternoon,

Ricky: Yeah, I’ll just keep –

Steve: Yeah! Just keep talkin’, Rick.

Ricky: Er, no one'll notice, just... Oh, that was Adam F. and MOP, Stand clear. We all know Adam F.'s got a dad...

Ricky: Ohh. Done it again. Do you remember the trivia quiz?

Karl: Forgot it.

Ricky: Whose Dad is Adam F.?

Karl: Alvin Stardust!

Ricky: Yes, Shane Fenton, that's what the F must be for. You back?

Steve: That's done, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, we wouldn't wanna be, argh. All the people that are calling you all the time!

Steve: Ho ho ho! The ladies!

Ricky: Oh God. Anyway, Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Rick, I know you’re a big um,

Ricky: We're gonna start now, we're gonna start now, this proper radio, from now. Go. Go.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Oh, there's a lot of pressure on me now.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I’m gonna muck it up.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Um, now uh, Rick, I know you're a big trivia fan,

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: I know you're obsessed with trivia.

Ricky: Love it.

Steve: And I thought to myself, well how can I entertain Rick on Saturday.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: So I was, ah, wandering around on the web looking for um, uh, trivia basically, that could entertain you. And you're a big animal trivia fan.

Ricky: I love animal facts.

Steve: And there's not much you don't know about animals. But here's uh, here’s something.

Ricky: You're gonna catch me out now aren't you?

Steve: Oh well, I don’t know. Um, here's one, I don't know if you've heard this one before: Ants –

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: --never sleep.

Ricky: No, I know. Yeah.

Steve: "Ooh I know!” Easy for you to say now!

Ricky: And – and, they’ve got alcohol in their blood, so they don’t freeze in winter, and, that's why you never see a lazy ant. It's always working.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: It's drunk, but it's always working.

Steve: Well, they - they never sleep, but they do take a lot of fag breaks.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah! I know, yeah. I think it's ‘cause they can’t sleep, ‘cause it's like, like noisy neighbours, there's about a million of them,

Steve: Yeah, it’s a nightmare.

Ricky: Living sometimes in a room. And they just, it must be a real -- But you see 'em, you can see ‘em carrying a leaf and they see someone else, and they say "Do want a hand with that?" and they say "Don't be silly, you're carrying summat, 8 times your bodyweight as it is." He goes, "Well, you know, I’ve got another pair of hands free,

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: “I'll give you a hand." Yeah they're great, ants.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, they’re incrazable - they're incredible.

Ricky: Yeah, I knew that one - next.

Steve: Um, Ok, all right then, this is, uh, this is one I’m throwin’ right at you as well Karl. Uh - there's only one bird that has a penis.

Ricky: It’s not, it’s not a joke –

Steve: Which bird is it?

Ricky: It's not a joke?

Steve: No, it's not a joke, this is not a joke. This is genuine trivia question.

Ricky: Ok, I'd say... Oh. I'll say, I think I've seen one on this, uh, is it an ostrich?

Steve: Right, you're going for ostrich. Karl?

Karl: I'll go for ostrich as well.

Steve: Right. Did you come up with that yourself, or -?

Karl: Yep, I was gonna way that, before he said it.

Steve: Right. Well guys you went for ostrich,

Karl: Chicken?

Steve: You're both wrong. It's actually the swan.

Ricky: At the last – “Chicken!“

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's a bit worrying then, ‘cause I thought I saw an ostrich penis, so what was I looking at?

Steve: I don't know, were you just examining it closely at the zoo, what were you -

Ricky: No, I just, was just...

Steve: It was probably a strap-on.

Ricky: It was probably two lezzer ostriches giving each other one.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yeah. Exactly!

Ricky: And that's how it can influence, peop- things like that, dirty, filthy lezz ostriches can -

Steve: Confuse a child! If he's at the zoo, and he doesn’t know.

Ricky: A swan's got a --? That's really annoying, I tell – ‘cause, I’d never give a swan a knob.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: ...It's the poofiest of all birds, innit!

Steve: It is the poofiest of all birds.

Ricky: "Oh, I'm protected by the Queen, but I need a knob”. I'd give, if I had to give a knob to any bird, um...

Steve Laughs

Steve: Good question!

Ricky: No!

Steve: No, I wish I’d posed that, myself! If you could give a knob to any bird, what would it be? Phone in. 0--

Ricky: Vulture!

Steve: Well of course a vulture, yeah.

Ricky: That - they need a cock.

Steve: A big, veiny, bangstick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What about yourself, Karl? If you could give a knob to any bird? And don't make it rude! “Ooh, if I could give a knob to any bird, I’d made it that Jordan!”

Ricky: What bird...It's gotta be a bird of prey or summat like that hasn't it?

Karl: Just a robin, really.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: That would have been amazing! That would be beaut-

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Christmas cards would be like --

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Yeah,

Steve: That would be brilliant!

Ricky: But it's a normal human-sized knob, on a robin.

Steve: Yeah. Exactly.

Ricky: That would be great wouldn't it.

Steve: That would be genius.

Ricky: And the other thing annoying about this, this is ironic, right, now, all, the male of all bird species are usually, they're called the cock, right.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: But the only bird with a cock,

Steve: Yeah,

Ricky: Right, is called a "cob"!

Steve: Is that what a swan's called?

Ricky: Yeah! They’re cob and pen, they’re not cock and hen!

Steve: Right. That’s annoying.

Ricky: And he's got – they’ve – he isn't a cock, but he's got a cock!

Steve: Yeah, yeah, quick query there Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: When you then cock, presumably you meant male bird, the first time you said it.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: The second time you said it, you said "cock", do you mean the penis?

Ricky: Well, you're showing off the whole farce of radio broadcasting --

Steve: Because you're not really allowed to say cock when you mean penis.

Ricky: No, exactly! No! One cock would b- cause great offense.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The other cock's fine.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: It's weird isn't it?

Steve: It is strange, it is strange. So if we said, if I said now to you now, you know, "Oh, I like cocks",

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Meaning birds, that would be fine.

Ricky: Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

Steve: But if it meant penises it would be a problem.

Ricky: If you like cocks and it was penises, yeah yeah. That would be, yeah.

Steve: Right, Karl do you like cocks?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Do you like cocks?

Karl: No.

Steve: Right, Ok, no that's fine, that's fine. I was askin’ if you liked --

Ricky: No, I, I, I like, you know,

Steve: Yeah. Well I’m uh, I’m a big fan of, um, tits.

Ricky: The small birds that come down and peck at your --

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. You like tits and cocks, there's nothing wrong with –

Steve: Tits and cocks! There’s nothing wrong with that.

Ricky: There’s nothing wrong with -- Karl, don't worry. There's nothing wrong with saying tits and cocks.

Steve: No, ‘cause when I said "tits" I meant the little birds.

Ricky: Yeah. They come down.

Steve: And when i say cocks I mean the big birds.

Ricky: Yeah. Do you know, when um--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Go on, no, go on.

Ricky: No, it's just that when you were talking about tits.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, at the milk. Do you, they – they – they – I like the fact that they flutter away when they hear the milkman coming.

Karl: Oh, come on!

Ricky: What?

Steve: So wait, what you talking about? What are you talking about? No, when the milkman's coming, when he’s walkin’ up --

Song: Ash - Sometimes


Look At Karl's Face

Ricky: Ash, and Sometimes, lovely song. Gotta apologise to our producer there, ‘cause he was worried about -- there was nothing wrong with it, it's just like saying you, you know, you like watching birds in the garden --

Karl: It's just I think you're better than that.

Ricky: I know, it's cheap isn't it to say like, I like tits,

Steve: Yeah, I like tits.

Ricky: Or I like cocks, so we're gonna be a bit more literary now.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: One of my favourite things is Fanny by Gas Light.

Steve: Really? That’s interesting.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's interesting, I'm a big fan of Moby Dick.

Ricky: Oh, the – oh yeah, the book. Moby Dick. Not the medical condition,

Steve: No, no no no no.

Ricky: There's nothing innuend– no, it's the big horrible thing that used to swallow sea men.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Now I, in the winter,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Steve.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: There's nothing I like more, than to keep my hands warm... in a muff.

Steve: No, sure, sure, sure. You mean those kind of furry things that, you know classy looking ladies used to have --

Ricky: Yeah. Posh ladies, often put their hands in -- You know when you have a nice, like party --

Steve: You have a nice party, yeah, a winter party, yeah.

Ricky: And you might take the wrong hat or something, there's nothing I like more than to see two posh women with their hands in each other's muffs,

Steve: Ho-ho! That’s always a fun bit!

Ricky: And they're going, "Oh, this must be yours!”

Steve: Yeah. That is always funny.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but, seriously, no, no, stop this, you’re right. I’ve got a degree in --

Steve: I've just remembered that my favorite Beatles song is "Come Together".

Ricky: Yeah. Now, we're gonna stop this now Karl, ‘cause it's childish... You’re right, I've got a philosophy degree.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: For Christ sake, and it's about time --

Steve: Who's your favorite philosopher, do you mind me askin'?

Ricky: Well, I would tell you, except, when I ever talk about it I always go into a cockney accent, so it it can be like "My favourite philosopher – I like a bit of Kant".

Steve: Right. Is that Immanuel Kant? The philosopher.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's strange.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What's his name again?

Ricky: Kant.

Steve: Oh yeah. yeah. That can be weird, can be strange!

Ricky: Look at Karl's face!

Steve: Oh, look at his face.

Ricky: Look at his face!

Steve: Join in Karl! Undo your trousers, just let it all hang out, let your cock hang out.

Ricky: We'll be like Stan Boardman, when he told the Fokker joke.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yeah! Of course!

Ricky: We - we won't do local radio again for 10 years.

Song: Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys


Wayne King

Ricky: Ian Brown, Dolphins Were Monkeys.

Steve: Yup.

Ricky: Before that, don't know what that was. Um, I'm still pissed off that swans have got cocks.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's a waste, it's a waste of a knob with a swan.

Steve: I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

Ricky: They don’t know what they’re doing with half the time. Um, now, we've got some great -- do you remember, we've stopped all the silly innuendos now, but do you remember --

Karl: I think it's because they've got a long neck, and to balance them properly in the water --

Ricky Laughs

Karl: What are those things that boats have underneath?

Steve: A rudder.

Karl: No-

Ricky: No, the big thing – the keel – the keel -

Karl: It might be, do you know what I mean?

Ricky: Yeah, it might be, you might be right. Yeah.

Karl: Balancing them.

Steve: Well but, what about – but ducks would need one as well wouldn't they?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Ducks don’t –

Karl: No, cause they've got short necks.

Steve: Oh, I see what you mean, it's the necks, yeah.

Ricky: So, hold on, do you think that's, so long necks - long knob?

Steve: Don't look at me Gervais.

Karl: Ask Steve!

Ricky: I know, no, Sandi Toksvig's got a tiny cock hasn't she?

Steve: But she has got one, which is interesting.

Ricky: That's libelous, I'd just like to say that Sandi Toksvig has never had a knob.

Steve: No, she's not.

Karl: But you're not lying about the neck...

Ricky: No, she's got a little neck, that's fine, that’s, that's clear for all to see. I just remember um, a bloke I saw on Opportunity Knocks once,

Steve: Opportunity Knocks?

Ricky: Yeah. It was a pianist, and this is true, and his name was "Wayne King". I - do you like Wayne King?

Steve: Karl, what's your opinion on Wayne King?

Karl: I don't know his work.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: You're not a fan of his work. Ok. No, no, that's fine! Karl! We asked you're opinion mate, and you've given it. And that's all we can ask for.

Ricky: Aw. No opinion on Wayne King, at all.

Steve: If you, if you're a fan of Wayne King at home, please get in touch, the email address, uh, I had, [email protected]. What was the number again, 08700 800 1234. You know, if you like Wayne King or if, you know,

Karl sighs

Ricky: No!

Steve: Karl, what are you talking about, we're asking someone's music opinion, it's a music station, what – you, you’re strange!

Karl: Is it gonna be like this all day?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: If it’s – if we -

Karl: Let's talk about you and your girlfriends again. I think people enjoy that more.

Ricky: Ooooohhh!

Steve: Oh, there he goes!

Steve: Wow! I’ll tell y--

Ricky: You are grumpy, why are you grumpy? You’re all grumpy ‘cause you been, lo- c’mon, tell us. Come on.

Karl: I think, I think I’ve got S.A.D.

Ricky: What's that mean?

Karl: That thing when it’s dark –

Ricky: Sade?

Karl: You know when it's dark outside and you feel depressed.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: I think I’ve got that.

Steve: But you're from Manchester! Isn’t it like pitch black there all the time?

Ricky and Karl laugh

Steve: W-w-which country is it, Iceland, where it's like, it’s like dark all year.

Ricky: Yeah! The land of the mole people.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: No. I was telling Steve before, in fact, I’m not gonna bore you with it. Go on, what, what were we saying about Wayne King?

Steve: Well you bored me with it earlier, can't you bore him with it?

Ricky: Yeah, it's only fair. What were you saying about what?

Karl: Wayne King

Karl Laughs

Steve: Did you say --

Ricky: Oh Karl, play a record!

Steve: Oh that’s a disgusting, Karl! You're a pervert!

Song: Liquido – Play Some Rock

Children In Need

Ricky: Liquido, Play Some Rock. That's what we're doing, Steve!

Steve Laughs

Steve: We are indeed!

Ricky: Before that, Weezer, Island in the Sun.

Steve: Can I just ask Karl a quick question?

Ricky: Yeah, why does he swear so much on radio? No?

Steve: No, no, no. No, no. Karl, did you see that film last night, "Gaylords Say No"?

Karl: Ummm ... yes.

Steve: Aw.

Ricky: What were you watching that for?

Steve: Yeah! Weirdo!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Ohh. You, you’re always gonna lose with that one. Rick, did you see that film last night "Gaylords Say No"?

Ricky: No. Ah, no!

Steve: That means you're a gaylord.

Ricky: Aww.

Steve: That is actually, the official way of finding out if someone's gay.

Ricky: That's how Oscar Wilde got caught.

Steve: Exactly how he got caught.

Ricky: They went "Well we've got evidence ... So anyway, cheers M’lud. Oh before you go, uh, Oscar – see that film last night "Gaylords Say No?”

Ricky and Steve: No.

Ricky: "Take him away".

Steve: Yeah. Take that bender downstairs.

Ricky: Take him out of my sight.

Steve: That is how they got him! That is the official way.

Ricky: Yep. Yeah.

Steve: Children in Need last night, Rick. Ho-ho!

Ricky: Ohh. I got - watched a bit of it.

Steve: Did you watch any of it, Karl. It's awful isn't it?

Ricky: It is pretty bad.

Steve: It's the worst thing ever, I mean it just -- I've said this before, the thing about Children in Need, it makes the whole country and BBC 1 for one day into just one big school fete.

Ricky: Yeah. Exactly.

Steve: D’y’know what I mean. It's so pathetic. The entertainment is ill thought out, it's just, it’s just boring --

Karl: I'd prefer it if the just made everyone pay a pound.

Steve: That'd be fine! Yeah.

Karl: And they'd make more money, and we wouldn't have to sit through it.

Steve: Just add it to the license fee.

Ricky: But surely that's, exactly, surely that's just a taxation that we should, you know, as opposed -

Steve: But that's fine.

Ricky: As opposed to going through this nonsense of people from west-end musicals who aren't selling come out and do a song.

Steve: Yes! Yeah! Of course!

Ricky: Oh, God!

Steve: ‘Cause it’s just - they may as well, because there was Terry Wogan at one point going around the audience, with a bucket, just rattlin’ it, getting people, members of the audience to put loose change in a bucket! I’m just - it's national television!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: I’ve watchin’ did - they've already had to sit through 3 hours of rubbish, now you're making them pay for it.

Ricky: Does -does he get paid?

Steve: I, I don’t know, if he done it for charity. I know- you notice a lot of people that go on there, though, all the pop acts that go on there are all plugging a new single.

Ricky: Of course, but that's the deal.

Steve: It's like there's this mask, of sort -this charade of charity, but they're all plugging a single.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: It's just pathetic, it's utterly path-- they may as well bring on a big tombola, you know, and guess how many, kind of, pennies are in the jar, and -

Ricky: How did Pudsey lose his eye as well?

Steve: Well, he'll get another one out if he's not careful.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: And um, I, I was watching it quite late, we just had it on in the corner while we were chatting and stuff, and um, about 1 o’clock in the morning, Ok, they'd, they’d been promising this for ages. It was a couple of, sort of Hollyoaks stars or something,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Male, male stars were gonna be part of a male stripper – striptease, the Full Monty type thing.

Ricky: Yeah, I turned that off.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I didn't wanna watch that, Steve.

Karl: Do you notice how he said they'd been promising it for ages, it was on at 1 in the morning.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Almost like he was staying up.

Ricky: Yes, Karl's got you!

Steve: Well you've got the measure of me Karl!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: It's a bit weird, Steve!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: No but the point was right, the thing about the um -- are you a gaylord tape -- tied to a tree?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: There you are then.

Ricky: There you are. Done ya.

Karl: Have you really done me?

Steve: No but seriously, so they bring on these, uh, this this this male stripper, kinda, gang come on, y'know, firemen or whatever, and they come on, and then they cut to the audience, and there was one woman just putting her glasses on.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: It was like a 40 year old woman, it's like it was 1 in the morning, she'd fallen asleep and her friend must've gone "Agnes, Agnes -- quick put your glasses on. Wake up, they're getting their cocks out”. And I mean cocks.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And they, they did this striptease right, they did this striptease, and I have to swear, right, they went right down to their um, their underwear and they were just flashing their arses, they just – it was ut- and I was thinking, this is for kiddies! And it was obscene, it was utterly obscene, I was actually appalled.

Ricky: Not at 1 in the morning it's not!

Steve: What're you talking about, it was appalling! It’s Children In Need!

Ricky: Well the charity is.

Steve: No but it was just – it was, it was offensive. I was offended by it. It was the BBC, it was charity, and there were blokes with their todgers almost out.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah but the fact that it’s – yeah but it’s post-watershed, you can have any event and give it to anything can't ya?

Steve: No! That's not right! It's for children! 'Cause a lot of children will stay up and watch that, their parents will sort of go "Yeah, it's fine”, y'know, "You can stay up and watch Children In Need, that's for kids”.

Ricky: Yeah. But then arses aren't, you know.

Steve: It was! But it was just arses, they gave the impression they were fully nude! I mean thankfully they weren't, I made a close inspection.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But. It was obscene!

Ricky: Yeah, me and Karl, Karl's—

Steve: You got the measure of me.

Ricky: Me and Karl are looking at each other.

Steve: You’re looking at each other?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Gazing into each other's eyes?

Ricky: What's happened to us, yeah, just for one week only we're back at school, Ok, there's innuendos, we laugh when we say the word bender, cock, uh, tits meaning birds --

Steve: Karl and Ricky sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Rick, have you been enjoying Bubba Sparxxx's current hit -- Ugly, you're ugly, oh I'm ugly, ugly. A song which means nothing to me actually, I don’t -

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I can't relate to it at all.

Ricky: I am, yeah, I am, yeah.

Steve: What do you make of Bubba?

Ricky: I like Bubba.

Steve: He's a sort of down-south kinda rapper.

Ricky: I know where this is going. I bet you've got a little bit of Bubba in your Hip Hop Challenge.

Steve: Ho ho ho! Well, we did have the Hip Hop Challenge a couple of weeks ago, but I lost, so basically we're just playing a favourite hip hop track of ours aren't we, each week -

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: And this is my selection, it's from Bubba's current album, it's not the hit "Ugly", it's uhj, the album's actually called "Dark Days, Bright Nights" and I believe this song presumably comes from that title 'cause it's called "Dark Days, Bright Nights". Enjoy it, Rick.

Ricky: I will.

Song: Bubba Sparxxx – Dark Days, Bright Nights


Those Sparky Bubb Boys

Steve: Bubba Sparxxx, Dark Days, Bright Nights. Title track of his current album. Rick, what do you make of it?

Ricky: I love it!

Steve: D’you enjoy it?

Ricky: It's great, it's hypnotic, it’s – aw. The chorus, is that a son- it sounds like Stevie Wonder, or -

Steve: It does sound like Steve, I uh, I don't know, I haven't got the inlay sleeve to hand, I can't tell you.

Ricky: Does anyone know? Maybe they could call in.

Steve: Rick, uh, I'd love to give out the number, in fact I will: 08700 800 1234, [email protected]. Who is, uh, providing the chorus for Bubba Sparxxx’s Dark Days, Bright Nights. 104.9 Xfm.

Ricky: Well, from Bubba Sparxxxs, to S-Sparky Bubbs – those - Sparky Bubb boys, Suede.

Steve: Heyyy! Slick.

Song: Stroke – Last Nite


I Seem To Have Run Out of Words

Ricky: Strokes, Last Nite on Xfm 104.9 before that, Suede--

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Beautiful Ones. Fella just phoned up and said "You were talking about water fowl before”. Um,

Steve: Cocks.

Ricky: The only – yeah, the only, bird with a penis is the swan, and he said we'd worried him about the ugly duckling, about, oh he turned into a swan, but a ducklings, they’re not called, um, ducklings, they’re called cygnets. I pointed out that the, the, the swan in question didn't understand,

Steve: Right.

Ricky: 'Cause he thought he was a -

Steve: An ugly ducking. Yep.

Ricky: A duckling, and that’s that - all the other ducks sorta laughed at him 'cause he was all gangly and everything, then he turned into a swan and he realised "Oh, I was a swan all along..."

Steve: Yeah, the ugly duckling story got me through so many bleak nights as a child.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: You couldn't wait to tur- one day turn into a swan.

Steve: Still waiting for it.

Ricky: So you could have a knob! Presumably.

Steve: So I could have a – yeah. Cock.

Ricky: Yeah, 'cause uh, so uh,

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Look, Karl, look don't worry, this is a nice little, no one's gonna complain about this, this is lovely, childish -

Steve: This is kid's stuff.

Ricky: Childish, lovely little innuendo, there's nothing nasty or vicious. There's no hate.

Steve: And anyway, off-air you're a different kettle of fish, you were trying to get us with the gaylords joke.

Ricky: Yes he was! He tried to do this, we - we'd done the gaylord --"Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?" Karl, trying to get his own back, went "Did you watch Gaylords last night?" Brilliant.

Steve: It's gotta be, "Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?", and then you say "No", and we all point and laugh.

Ricky: Oh! It was - I was gonna ask you, is it true he's leaving Friday?

Ricky: Robinson Crusoe.

Steve: Nice one. High five Rick.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Oh he got you the right – he got you the right one there. I dunno what that means, but he did.

Ricky: Anyway. Yeah.

Steve: Um, we were talking about Children in Need, Rick.

Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah.

Steve: And um... Karl what's wrong with you?

Ricky: He's just got it, he's just got it, go on. Yeah.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: We were talkin’ ‘bout Children in Need earlier, and uh, as I say, I'm not a fan of it, and I - this was a couple of years ago, I was working um... and we had to drive up to er... to Blackpool.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: And so, it was Comic Relief night, it was a Friday night, and we were listening to all the different kind of BBC radio stations 'cause they all cover Comic Relief, they all sort of link up as one big thing--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uh, I think this was maybe like sort of, I dunno, BBC Solihull or something, and uh … they've always got like, they've got this, this one guy in the studio doing all the DJing, and um there's some bloke who's sort of outside the BBC with some kids and whatever else, um, kind of doing a live linkup. And the guy outside was Steve Baxter, I forget the name of the DJ inside--

Ricky: I love the fact that you remember this man's name.

Steve: Well it's important because, er, we were listening and the guy in the studio he's there and he's chatting away, going "Got a signed picture here of er, The Spice Girls, all the girls have signed that, and so the highest bidder gets to win that, and you'll have that, and er... um... I seem to have run out of words”.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: He just said, "I seem to have run out of words”. And we were like listening like ... Ok ... And he just went, "I seem to have run out of words … I wonder if Steve Baxter's got any for me”.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: And Steve Baxter's just outside like obviously not, not ready, just going, “Do what – mate?”

Ricky: Didn't have any words either? Well who's got all the words then?

Steve: It was wordless!

Ricky: I don't believe it, he's probably used up too many words in the first hour -

Steve: Exactly, he's just used all the words up.

Ricky: And he didn't want to repeat himself,

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So he just thought that, that's it, I've -

Steve: It was a hideous blunder, so we were um … we were, we were enjoying that, and the work of Steve Baxter, and er, we were driving along, and then, we were driving along, and we got stuck in this, this jam on the way up to Blackpool, and I saw this kind of white Mercedes, like a couple... and I thought, that looks quite swank, y'know, and I’m – swank,

Ricky Laughs

Steve: And I drove up, we were driving up behind it, and the number plate was something, I can't remember exactly, but I think it was something like "ORV 1". I'm thinking “Interesting.” "ORV 1", y'know. So we were driving alongside - who is driving, no actually is wasn't the driver, it was, there was a guy driving it, in the front seat, asleep -

Karl: Green duck.

Steve: Keith Harris.

Ricky: Really!

Steve: Keith Harris was there. Orville, as I recall, on the back seat.

Ricky: Oh no!

Steve: I couldn't believe it, yeah.

Ricky: Was he asleep, or –

Steve Laughs

Steve: I think he was asleep.

Ricky: Just knackered.

Steve: I didn't, I didn’t see Cuddles, the crazy monkey, I suspect, I imagine he would've popped up at some point just kind of annoying the driver's hair, going crazy.

Ricky: No – you’ve got - yeah, you've gotta, I think Cuddles has to go in the boot.

Steve: He's gotta go in the boot 'cause he'll cause havoc.

Ricky: Yeah, and he, knowing Cuddles he'd put his hands over the driver's eyes mucking around.

Steve: Exactly, causing all kinds of trouble.

Ricky: But then the thing is, he doesn't understand road safety to be, to be fair.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Well he's a monkey.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: He's a monkey and he's got a lisp.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, and even a real one at that.

Steve: No.

Ricky: The thing is, what worries me about, um, Orville, is that that argument raged for years between him and Harris, and Orville's right -- he can't fly.

Steve: He can't fly, yeah.

Ricky: So, I'm worried that Harris will lull him into a false sense of security.

Steve: "But you can fly!"

Ricky: Yeah, and then when Harris is out, Orville'll climb onto a chair, onto a windowsill, basically think he can fly and just plummet--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: To his death.

Steve: Just a quick point about Orville - I'm surprised he's still not potty trained.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: 'Cause he's been, he’s been wearing that nappy of his, for years!

Ricky: I know! ‘Cause he’s -

Steve: He can talk, he's mastered the power of speech!

Ricky: Yeah, yeah!

Steve: Still crapping everywhere I assume.

Ricky: I assume so.

Steve: Flying around, terrible mess.

Ricky: Yeah, and has - definitely no - hasn't - he's a duck so he hasn't got a cock.

Steve: He has not got a penis.

Ricky: Penis, sorry. That was a mistake, there I did say cock meaning -

Steve: Did you mean penis there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You shouldn't've said that Rick.

Ricky: I'm really sorry.

Steve: You should've pretended you meant bird.

Ricky: Oh. I’m really sorry. Put your, put your fingers in your mouth like this Karl, right, pull it apart, like that. Like that. Now just say "bucket and spade".

Steve: No, with your fingers in your mouth.

Ricky: No, pull your fingers like that and jut say "bucket and spade".

Karl: Bucket and spade.

Ricky and Steve: No.

Ricky: Don't do that -

Steve: Keep your fingers in your mouth when you say it.

Karl: Bucket.

Ricky: Oh, Karl, play a record!

Steve: Oh that's outrageous, Karl!

Song: Smashing Pumpkins - Untitled


Steve the Geek

Ricky: Smashing Pumpkins, Untitled, on Xfm 104.9. I just gotta tell you something Steve, remember, erm, er, at my birthday party, er, my girlfriend had bought me one of those, um, er, arcade games you put money in in a pub.

Steve: Oh it's a quiz machine though isn't it.

Ricky: Quiz machine, yeah, touch the screen right. And we were all playing, but Steve, with his general film knowledge. W -people were getting like 100,000 points and getting through, right. Steve got something like 8 million.

Steve: Right listen, I got the top score on a movie trivia quiz game, right. Who's the geek now?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Alright Karl? Hello!

Ricky: No but it was impossible, and I tried it, and for like months I thought, I just thought I've just gotta knock him off the top. And I did it with all the other catagories, and I was best at Rock, I was best at Rock, let's say that, but by no means as, y'know. The – the gap between right - a friend of mine and a friend of yours, Johnny Candon, the lovely Irish comedian came round last night--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: --had a couple of goes. He got something like 30 million.

Steve: That's mental. That's madness.

Ricky: Yeah. In fact, he's - you're right, 'cause um, Johnny bought this comic right, he loves Doctor Who, and he bought this comic, and Steve, he left it there, and Steve go a post-it note and on every page wrote "GEEK".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Johnny gets it home, reads this, reads it on the tube, and there's "GEEK" written everywhere, on every page. That's the sort of vicious man Steve is. He can hand it out, d'you know’t I mean? Imagine him calling you a geek, what could that- what must that feel like, to be called a geek by Steve Merchant? What do you think Karl?

Karl: Every week he has a go at me anyway.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What're you talking about I haven't had a go at you! You're having a go at me every week!

Karl: You have, for the last 3 weeks -

Steve: What?

Karl: You've been having a go at me!

Steve: I have not had a go -- you've always had a go at me!

Karl: No, you've always said to me, "What do I look like?", and what do you expect me to do, lie?

Ricky: Ooooh he's done you again Steve!

Karl: No I'm not getting into this, ‘cause,

Ricky: He's done you again!

Karl: A young lad called up before and said "Oh, have a go at Steve again and his looks”, and it's not like a game, I'm not like, coming in here every week and wanting to make you look - y'know, come across as an ugly bloke. I don't need to do that.

Ricky: He's done you again! He's done you up.

Steve: What … I can't -- is this 'cause of the gaylord stuff?

Karl: No, it's just,

Steve: That you're having a go at me again?

Karl: It's just that you, you had a go at me before I started with you...

Steve: I didn't have a go at you at all I was talking to Ricky! I haven't had a word, I haven't spoken a word to you!

Karl: It's in your eyes...

Steve Laughs

Steve: Is this why you're in an ugly mood, a bad mood, a generally grim mood? Is it 'cause, like, you, you just think I'm gonna have a go at you?

Karl: I dunno what it is, when I get here you're alright, and then soon as you come in here you change.

Steve: I don't – I haven't done anything! What're you talking about, you're paranoid! I haven't said anything mate!

Ricky: I'm keeping out of it.

Steve: I've drawn a little picture of you here but I've not said anything!

Ricky: I tell you what, what we need now is a Song for the Lovers.

Steve: Oh, please!

Ricky: I want tell you now, this has been one of my favourite songs for about 20 years, it's by David Bowie; now David Bowie's had his phases, and I liked his glam stuff, and I, y'know, Tin Machine, went off, and y'know, he - he's always sort of, there, on and off, right, but this song is off Space Oddity, it's called Letter To Hermione, and I don't know why he stopped writing songs like this, 'cause this is probably one of the most beautiful songs, ever recorded, and I know Steve agrees with me on this.

Steve: I do indeed, Rick, can I just kiss and make up with Karl?

Ricky: No, that is -

Steve: No lemme just, lemme just give him a kiss.

Karl: Yeah but it does- next – but then next week you'll be the same again!

Steve: What're you talking about?

Karl: It doesn't mean anything!

Steve: Let's kiss on the lips.

Karl: It’s like saying sorry.

Ricky: Oh -

Steve: Kiss on the lips?

Ricky: Go on, look he's, look -

Steve: Karl ... Karl ...!

Karl: Get – off – me!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I have never – rr-- Karl has gone a absolute shade of purple straining not to have Merchant's -

Karl: There's no point, Steve.

Ricky: No.

Steve: What you talkin’ ‘bout?

Karl: There's no point.

Ricky: No, no just shake, just shake and make up.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Shake what Rick?

Ricky: There ya go, all friends, sit down. This, that's lovely, that's a lovely moment. Er, it's Xfm 104.9, and this is Letter To Hermione by David Bowie. It's beautiful.

Song: David Bowie – Letter to Hermione

Karl the Poet

Ricky: Letter To Hermione! By David Bowie. Well, after that I think he wrote The Laughing Gnome.

Steve: I know, it's just -- the thing about David Bowie, I feel the same way, it's like he's clearly a great, y'know, rock musician, great, y'know, great fun records, y'know, I saw him at Glastonbury, absolutely fantastic entertainer, but his songs have never gripped me, they've never got me at heart, y'know.

Ricky: Except that one.

Steve: Except that one--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. They’re all good. Yeah.

Steve: That's the first one I've ever heard of his which has really got me in the gut. Amazing lyrics.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant. Karl what're your thoughts?

Karl: S'alright.

Steve: Yeah. You're a poet, Karl.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Play something else then.

Song: Blur – Coffee and TV

Ricky Gervais Film Review - Rainman

Ricky: Blur, Coffee and TV. Good to hear that one again.

Steve: Yeah, it's good.

Ricky: Before that, Radiohead, True Love Waits. Well Steve, it's time for my world-famous Film Review.

Steve: People love it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How, can I just ask--

Ricky: Go on

Steve: Before you crack on with the film review, I notice you often do films that, people have already seen.

Ricky: Well you see, that's what I mean, that's why I think your film review failed, because people didn't know what film you were talking about, they hadn't seen it.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: See, whereas mine, I pick ones they've seen, y'know, that, that -

Steve: Well a lot of people would say that, that the benefit of a film review, was the fact that they hadn't seen it yet so they were gonna make up their mind based on that review.

Ricky: I dunno, I dunno who'd say that.

Karl: I prefer Ricky's.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: See?

Steve: Alright Karl, see there you are again, being nasty to me -

Ricky: No – ... - he's got a choice!

Steve: Alright anyway, so my point is that, how would you hope people would use your reviews?

Ricky: Whatever they, however they want, really.

Steve: Ok. Ok.

Ricky: So...

Steve: Would you hope that they'd maybe seen the film but they hadn't yet made up their mind?

Ricky: Whether they liked it or not?

Steve: Whether they liked it or not.

Ricky: Well this is up, again, up to them, this is, y'know, this is for everyone. It’s easy -

Steve: So if someone say had seen, 'cause I think, was it, you did er, one of your most famous ones I think was er, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now that came out I think in 1975,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So maybe some people saw it in 1975, haven't yet made up their mind as to what they thought of it.

Ricky: Yeah, now this is, this'll put 'em straight

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: In what to look for next time maybe.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Um, I've just, oh well, ready? Ricky Gervais Film Review...

Steve: Sure

Ricky: Review. Right? Chosen Rain Man.

Steve: Rain Man? Ok, now this has been on TV quite a few times and it was a multiple Oscar winner.

Ricky: Exactly!

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: So... Ok. Right. Rain Man, it's got... Tom Cruise in it,

Steve: Yup.

Ricky: And he's alright, he's normal, but he finds out he's got a brother who's a bit mad, Dustin Hoffman is doing it, right, and it’s meant to be, he's all weird but he's meant to be, so it's good acting. Now, he - oh, God - he needs to keep his brother, but they don't want him to have a brother, and ... he doesn't remember a lot, but he dropped him in the bath and burned him when he was little, clumsy idiot. But then he finds out he can make a bit of money so they get the same suits, and they go "Bet 2 for good, 1 --" because he's got special powers, so he can know what the, what the roulette. And he wins that, and he drops them toothpicks, he he knows how many there are, and he recognises the waitress he saw through the book. He's got all his football cards, don't put them out of order, don't go in the telephone box with him he smells, and get him back in time for Jeopardy or watch it. Anyway, then he'll slap his head and get worried, Quantas don't crash, so he's got a … all that, and in the end he doesn't, I don't think, but they'll … at least they've met each other.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. ‘ Course, Rain Man, a film about autism, which is strangely appropriate, I think, when you're reviewing it.

Ricky: Anyway...

Steve: What would you give it out of er, 10?

Ricky: Oh a 9.

Steve: Ok. Thanks very much for that. Useful?

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Yeah? Have you seen the film before?

Karl: No, but I, I will now.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Ok, jolly good, well, excellent.

Song: New Order - 60 Miles an Hour


Under The Covers

Ricky: New Order, 60 Miles an Hour, on Xfm 104.9. Well about quarter of an hour to go.

Steve: Yup.

Ricky: Still got your Song for the Ladies.

Steve: Song for the Ladies, coming up. Um, time now though, Rick, for Under the Covers! You've Got Me Covered! Cover Me Bad!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Um, which is when we play a cover version of -

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Of er, a well known hit.

Ricky: Just see the sort of effort that goes into this show.

Steve: There's a lot of work!

Ricky: We've learned something, we've learned the only bird with a, um, a penis is the swan,

Steve: The swan.

Ricky: We've had an interesting anecdote, what, where he saw Orville.

Steve Laughs

Steve: I saw Orville. Keith Harris and Orville.

Ricky: We - we've had a film review, Rain Man.

Steve: Informative.

Ricky: Award-winning, an award-winning film I reviewed today.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yes, yes.

Ricky: So ...

Steve: That was an Oscar-winner, Karl.

Ricky: Ants, there's been things about ants.

Steve: Ants never sleep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If you missed the beginning you won't know that fact.

Ricky: We've had various songs.

Steve: Music.

Ricky: And that.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: So, carry on Steve.

Steve: Cover Me Up. Um, The White Stripes, everyone's raving about them, Rick.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Um, they are an exciting band, and this is their cover of the Dolly Parton classic, Jolene.

Ricky: Love it already.

Song: White Stripes - Jolene

Karl and the Lyrics

Steve: White Stripes, and their version of Jolene. What did you make of it Rick?

Ricky: I loved it. Loved it. I wanna ask Karl a question though.

Steve: Mmhm. Mmhm.

Ricky: 'Cause Karl’s, sometimes in awe of this new-fangled world we live in. What, er, what do of the scenario, what do you think's going on there, 'cause it's a bloke singing to a woman begging her not to take his man. What, what do you think's going on there?

Karl: Say it again?

Ricky: Well, that's a bloke there, singing, innit.

Karl: Yeah, to his, to his uh, wife, Jolene.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Right, were you, were you listening to the lyrics, or -

Karl: Y'see, I, I got mixed up anyway, I thought it was about that, that one about the person who chucked himself off of a bridge. So I was thinking more about that than listening to that one.

Ricky: Right, listen.

Karl: Well go on.

Ricky: Right - "Jolene Jolene, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Your flaming locks of auburn hair... even though you can, don't, he's all I've got, you're a beautiful woman, don't take my man, 'cause I can't compete with you”. Right?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: What do you think's going on there though, 'cause y'know it's Dolly Parton singing it, we know what's going on, they're fighting over the same man aren't we?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What do you think's going on when a bloke's singing it to Jolene, what do you think of the scenario there?

Karl: It's one of them names innit, that could be a bloke's name, it's like Leslie.

Ricky: Oh Christ. Ok sorry, it was a -

Steve: I don't, I wish you'd not asked him that question

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So exhausting.

Ricky: I love him. I love Karl.

Steve: Do ants sleep Karl?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Which, which bird's got a cock?

Karl: Swan.

Steve: A swan, Ok, nice one. Listen, I wanna play that song for various people who've, uh, emailed in and phoned in saying they want requests, we don't really play requests on the show. We like to mention them anyway, er, Matt Bar, Magicthighs ... er ... that's not Matt Bar's Magicthighs, that's Matt Bar and Magicthighs. Kieran in Dublin, Stewart in Hackney, Lisa and Alison in Crouchend, and Glen in Crystal Palace who was phoning up with a nice, uh, message earlier. All of you, thanks for listening, and er, thanks for enjoying it, sorry we didn't play your requests but er, tune in next time, it'll be fun. Um, anyway, that's just all I wanted to say really.

Karl: It - it is tragic.

Steve: What's tragic?

Karl: What, what did you want me to say about that song?

Ricky: Just your opinion, your own opinion is fine.

Karl: It’s sound.

Ricky: In fact, your own opinion is better than anything I could really hope for. Without doubt. Whenever I ask you a question,

Steve: You constantly surprise us, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah. You're – it’s – it’s wonderful. So only ever, carry on telling the truth, carry on saying exactly what's on your mind, and I think this could become a great -

Steve: You're like a man who was frozen in Victorian era,

Ricky Laughs

Steve: And has been re-awoken, and he’s kinda discovering the world. Some things make sense, other things don't. I's beautiful.

Ricky: Yeah, as opposed to one that was made in a castle in Victorian times like Steve.

Steve: Oh that's just -

Ricky: Ahh, I've joined it with Karl.

Steve: I can't believe it Rick!

Ricky: I'm sorry.

Steve: I thought you were on my side!

Ricky: Yeah, no, it was irresistible though wasn't it? I'm really sorry. Shall we play a record?

Song

Cums With a Smile

Ricky: Right, I'm afraid that is about it from us.

Steve: Absolutely, um, I always leave the ladies with a song Rick, as you know, and the Song for the Ladies this week, again it comes from the free giveaway CD that comes with this excellent little magazine called "Comes With a Smile." And er, there's always something interesting and I played -

Ricky: How're you spelling that?

Steve Laughs

Steve: I've played, uh, The Mull Historical Society before, this is a track, it says it's just a demo, which is, I dunno why, if they haven't been picked up, it's outrageous. They're called Sloan and this is called Pretty Together. See you next time.

Ricky: Goodbye!

Song: Sloan – Pretty Together