18 January 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 18 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I've Done Very Little Preparation

Song: The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Ricky: The Flaming Lips, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots"--

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Good morning.

Ricky: Uhh, I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna own up straight away - I've done very little work towards this show this week. May be a little bit iffy.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: You surprise me.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. So, I apologize if it sounds a bit, sort of--

Steve: Thanks for being honest though, Rick.

Ricky: Well, no, I don't- you know, I don't want people to go, "Hold on, that was a bit shoddy, this week. I hope it's not going to be like that every week."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So, it is because I've done very little preperation.

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky: Sooo...

Steve: Right. Whereas normally...

Ricky: You'll probably have to help me out--

Steve: All right.

Ricky: You'll have to do some of the- some of the work. Karl, you might have to help us out a little bit as well--

Steve: I don't know. I mean--

Ricky: Because I know Steve's done nothing towards it either. So, the onus is on you a little bit, here. I love the fact that it's still listed as either "Ricky Gervais" or "Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant"--

Steve: Mm!

Ricky: In the, you know--

Steve: Essentially, we don't need to be here, really.

Ricky: No. It p- I know now people listen for Karl.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Everyone I've spoken to for- you know, people on buses to, uh comedians- like Ross Noble mentioned you the other day and, uh, you know it- they go, uhh--

Steve: People on buses?

Ricky: I've never been on a bus for years.

Steve: You've never been on a bus--

Ricky: No.

Steve: For, like, 12 years or something?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (Laughing) "People on buses".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I don't know why I find that so funny. I just know--

Ricky: Well, they- no--

Steve: The idea of you being on a bus--

Ricky: Well I'm not on a bus!

Steve: The idea of you having to be on a bus--

Ricky: They're shouting out from the window!

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They're going, "I love Karl."

Steve: (Laughing) Right. Yeah.

Ricky: I'm j- I'm walking along.

Steve: How much is it on the bus?

Ricky: Twenty pence.

Steve: (Laughing) Now, come on seriously, how much is it?

Ricky: Uhh, uhhmm... "One- one adult for terminus, please!"

Steve Laughs

Steve: I love the fact- you know they do that thing where, like, if they're interviewing, kind of--

Ricky: What is it? 50, 60p?

Steve: Paul Newman or someone famous, they always--

Ricky: No, it's a quid, isn't it? It's a quid.

Steve: They always say, "How much is a b- pint of milk?" And that's supposed to prove if you're, sort of, still in touch with your roots--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Or whether you're too big a celebrity.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You've got no idea how much it costs on the bus, have you?

Ricky: Quid.

Steve: It's not a quid.

Ricky: 1.20.

Steve: No, it's not 1.20.

Ricky: Pint of milk - about 50p.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: 30p.

Steve: (Laughing) Aw, brilliant.

Ricky: Uhhh...

Steve: W- he- I mean- cuz it's fascinating- you gave this stuff up- I mean, you gave this stuff up before you became a celebrity.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Didn't you? You were- you were always...

Ricky: Lazy.

Steve: Because people always say to me, like, "Oh, um"- you know - "Ricky seems a bit obnoxious", you know--

Ricky: Who says that?!

Steve: No, they say- no--

Ricky: No, no, who comes up to you and just says that?!

Steve: A guy on the tube did it.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I swear to God. He came up, he said, uh- he said, "I was watching an interview with Ricky", he said- he said, "he's not a nice piece of work!", I went, "Well, I mean...", he said, "Noo, I've got friends like that", you know, just- and he's like, "They're always talking, they're a bit irritating, you know, and you, sort of, let them off because they're your mates", but I was going, "Well, hang on a minute", he went--

Ricky: Well, two things...

Steve: Fair enough.

Ricky: You know, it is, sort of, my job, talking--

Steve: Mm hm.

Ricky: And being interviewed, essentially you do have to talk.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: So if that's--

Steve: About yourself.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) If that's his only criticism--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Then I'm not too bad.

Steve: No, he didn't think you were funny either. So...

Ricky Cackles With Laughter

Steve: He had a- in fact he had a whole list.

Ricky: Was i--

Steve: Well I say "a list" - a petition.

Ricky: It wasn't Dickey Anderson, was it?

Steve Laughs

Steve: It wasn't Richard Anderson.

Ricky: I hope he's listening.

Steve: He's our biggest fan.

Ricky: I'll tell you what, Mock Turtles need a remix by Fatboy Slim, don't they?

Steve: Mock Turtles?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's a great tune but I'd like to hear it remixed!

Ricky: Yeh.

Song: Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It remixed by Fat Boy Slim

That Experiment I Was Doing

Ricky: Mock Turtles, "Can You Dig It"... remixed by Slim.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant--

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington. (Comical Voice) Oooooh stuff, stuff to do--

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Ahhh, what's been going on? What's been happening?

Ricky: Stuff to talk about and that. Aw, it's, uhh...

Steve: What's been going on? What's been going on?

Ricky: Oh! Um, before you came in- oh, you saw it, didn't you - that experiment I was doing with the...

Steve Laughs

Steve: An experiment?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well... all I know is, as I walked in the building and I passed the little kitchen area, you were hitting Karl on the head with a tin tray.

Ricky: Didn't it make a good noise?

Steve: It was a great noise. Um, but I- interested- explain more about the experiment cuz--

Ricky: Well I wanted to do- I wanted to see how hard I could hit him and make it resonate, right, before I either caved his skull in or--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You know what I mean? So you had to hold it quite loose--

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: So it could, like, vibrate but you had to grip it hard enough to give it a good whack--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And his head's brilliant for hittin' stuff on it--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Is it?

Ricky: It is perrr-fect cuz it's like--

Steve: Karl, could we maybe recreate that moment a bit later on the radio?

Karl: You'll notice that we've been on for 15 minutes - I haven't said a word. So it's had a bit of an effect on me.

Steve: Right.

Ricky Cackles

Karl: Still- still a little bit... shaken.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Aww, dear.

Karl: But, yeah, do it again later.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: We were talking about your head a little bit earlier, weren't we?

Steve: It's not gonna mean that you're, sort of, a bit, you know- fuzzy thinking... is it?

Karl: Nah, I'll be all right.

Steve: Yeah. Okay, good.

Karl: So...

Ricky: I s- I s--

Steve: Can we set that for later? Maybe towards the end of the show? Just hit you on the head with various objects, see which make the best sound. Thanks very much.

Ricky: He said- he said earlier- because we were talking about Time Out- I said- but- something about in Time Out and he went, (Karl Impression) "Ahhh, yeah, do you read that?", I went, "Yeah, yeah, I read it. Get it every week, yeah." He went, "Ahhh, there's no point though, is it?", he said, "Cuz it's like a telephone directory. You know, if you wanna look something up, you'll look it up but you'd never, sort of, browse the telephone directory." And I went, "That's an interesting point." He went, "Although I did"--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "When I was in Scotland, I just looked up how many Macs there were and there was 42 pages of them."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: How bored are you in your hotel room in Scotland to suddenly start working out how many people start with "Mac"?

Steve: Did you- were you sat in your room, you- there was nothing else that you could think of to do?

Karl: I- I been working, it's when we did the show from- you know, XFM did some stuff from Edinburgh--

Steve: Yeah. You were sat in your hotel room...

Karl: Sat in the room, waitin' to, sort of, go out and get some food and that. Sat there--

Ricky: Why were you waitin' to go out and get some food? Why wouldn't ya--

Karl: Because we were gonna meet up- we were gonna meet up with, you know, Simon and that.

Steve: So you- you thought, "I'm not gonna switch the TV on, I'm not gonna read a magazine--"

Karl: The telly was on, nothing was on, I wasn't impressed with anything that was on--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: So, I'm looking around the room, I had a couple of the free shortbreads--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: (Laughing) I love the fact that he remembers!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) He remembers- he remembers the specific biscuit he had!

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: That's fantastic!

Karl: I had a couple of them and then, ummm.... looked around. There was a Bible and I thought, "Well, I know about that"--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: "There's nothing in that I don't know." So--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Got the phone book up and immediately thought, "There's a lot of Mac-this and Mac-that in Scotland--"

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: "Macintosh--"

Steve: MacDaddys.

Karl: "MacIntyre--"

Ricky: Yeah. Loads of names like that.

Karl: There's loads of names. So I thought, "I wonder how popular it is?" Emm--

Ricky: (Laughing) "I wonder just how popular it is?!"

Karl: 42 pages of Macs.

Steve: Did you count how many pages there were?

Karl: Yeah.

Pause

Karl: And then--

Steve: Did you- did you just work out from the numbers on the bottom of the page or did you literally count--

Karl: No, I counted. I counted.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And, uhh--

Ricky: And how many do you reckon are on a page? There's a lot, isn't there?

Karl: There's quite a lot--

Ricky: If someone can tell- and- approximately how many names--

Steve: And, sorry, I j- what--

Ricky: They get on one page.

Steve: How long did it take you, this whole procedure?

Karl: What? The c- the countin'?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Not that long.

Ricky: No, he just counted--

Karl: It's just 42 pages. So, it's not that much.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. They were all together, luckily.

Steve: And what did you do- once you digested that information, what- what did you do with that information? Did you tell people while you were there?

Karl: I- I stored it, hadn't I? I mean, look, how long ago was the Edinburgh Festival?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) "I stored it"!

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Along with the biscuit. I'd love to get in his head. I imagine it's a big warehouse and there's lots of partitions for weird stuff like bo- kids born with tentacles--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: And things like that--

Steve: I imagine there's, like, quite an old care- caretaker--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: And you go in there and you say, "I'm looking for the-", he goes, "Hang on, hang on, I know where that is. I put that somewhere--"

Ricky: "Hang on a--"

Steve: "Hang on a minute, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang on."

Ricky: "Is this the one when, uh, they shaved the cat?"

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: "No, this is not shaving the cat. This is the Macs."

Steve: "Ooooh."

Ricky: "The Macs... I know, Scotland, the shortbreads!"

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: "Well don't- don't give me the shortbreads, that's putting me off." But, um, a--

Karl: The- the what'shername, though. Do you remember last week how we're talking about the hairy kid?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: And, uhh--

Ricky: I think that's every week, Karl. That doesn't narrow it down.

Karl: All right, well we were talkin' about that hairy kid in the woods and, uhmm, did a bit of more research this week.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Found a good story out about a monkey--

Steve: Right.

Karl: Which I'll, uhh- told Ricky a little bit about it but--

Ricky: Tell me it, come on. Tell it now.

Steve: No, no, no, tease me with it.

Karl: I think we should keep this.

Steve: It sounds exciting stuff.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: That- that's got 'em, right--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: So, we'll be doing that--

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) "That's got 'em"!

Steve: That's hooked the audience.

Karl: We've got- we've got- we've got "Rockbusters" again this week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: We've got "Do We Need 'Em?".

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: What are you- what are you trying to get rid of this week?

Karl: Cockroaches.

Ricky: Right. Good one.

Steve: Aww, I can't- I can't think of a reason to keep them.

Ricky: No.

Karl: Looking into that. Well- I sort the matter out.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: That's comin' up.

Steve: (Laughing) Excellent.

Karl: We've got, uhhhm- I'm teachin' ya some more stuff.

Ricky: Are ya?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: He phoned me up today- uh, yesterday, it was- you know, he's researchin', like, "Educating Ricky" he said, uhh, uhh, "What do you want to know about?", I went, "I don't know", he said, uh, "You interested in space?" and I went, "Yeh, yeah." Phones me three hours later, he went, "Nope, no, nothing about space.", I went, "What?", he said, "I couldn't find anything interesting.", I said, "You couldn't find anything interesting about space?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's big.

Steve: It's pretty interesting, Karl.

Ricky: He went- I went--

Karl: It's big but there's nothing there. That's- that's--

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Karl: It's like the Millenium Dome.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Ohhh, God!

Karl: So- so what I'm looking at, right- right--

Ricky: But, no, wait! He said, "Is there anything else you want to know about?", I went, "All right, uhhhh...", I went, "Anthropology", he went, "What's that?", I went, "Study of man, study of man.", he went, "Like what?", I went, "Like... our roots from- from cave man through... and all the-", he went, "Ah", I said, "Australopithecus and then we went Neanderthal...", and he went, "Well, you know all that, then.", I went, "No I--"

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: He went, "Right, don't you want to know how a lung works or sommat?"

Steve Giggles

Ricky: How a lung works.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: And I said, "Well, tell me how a fridge works.", he went, "Aww.", and said, "It's just the gas, innit?", I went, "Brilliant.", I went, "Tell me how a microwave works.", he went, "I know.", he said, "A fellow walking past, in a laboratory, with a bar of chocolate in his pocket- went past some sort of ray thing, it melted it and he went, 'Hold on'".

Steve Giggles

Ricky: That's it. That's- that's explained to me how a microwave works.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So- so today we're doin', uhh, sort of medicalish-type things under the banner of, umm, "Col-on Then, Educate Me".

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Oh God.

Steve: Do it again.

Karl: "Col-on Then, Educate Me".

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: So that's that "Go on then", so--

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: "Col-on".

Steve Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Brilliant.

Karl: So that's, uhh- that's a little heading. You're gonna be learning three things, sort of, medicalish--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Before three o'clock.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Uhhhm, is that it?

Ricky: Yeah, do you want to uhh--

Steve: Pretty much, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Suede?

Karl: Go on then.

Suede - Animal Nitrate Begins To Play

Steve: How many O'Rileys are there, do you think, in Ireland? That's another task for you.

Ricky Laughs

Song: Suede - Animal Nitrate

Tell Us About This Monkey, Karl

Ricky: Suede, "Animal Nitrate". That's d- d- really got a Johnny Marr influence at the end, that guitar, innit?

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: They still- yeah.

Steve: Still brilliant.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Tell us about this monkey, Karl.

Karl: You're gonna love this one, Steve, right.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Uhh, yeah, so last week we were talkin' about how, like, a lad left his family cuz there was problems at home and that. He went and lived in the wood, he got hairy, right?

Ricky: N- no!

Steve: Leave it there, Rick.

Ricky: Awwww.

Steve: We haven't got time to go into it.

Karl: Right, so--

Steve: That's what happened.

Karl: And that's what happened: he lived with the monkeys, he went hairy--

Steve: That's fine.

Karl: Anyway--

Ricky: N--

Steve: That's what happened!

Karl: Looked into, uhh, some other stuff about, like, hairy kids and all that.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Came across this story about a bloke, right, who worked in a zoo...

Steve: Ohh, dear.

Karl: Right? So, uhh--

Steve: Trouble's brewing.

Karl: L- lovin' his job and that. But, t- it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people, you're just dealing with animals all the time, right.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: So, anyway--

Ricky: Well--

Karl: He get's a bit pally with a monkey cuz it's the closest thing to- to a human.

Ricky: Well, an ape is.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah, but you can't really go that close to apes.

Ricky: Well--

Karl: Cuz they're dangerous.

Ricky: What do you mean? What type was it? Do you mean a chimp--

Steve: Just let him tell the story.

Ricky: Was it a chimpanzee?

Karl: I reckon it was a chimp, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, so you don't even know, so it was an ape.

Karl: It was a chimp. It was a chimp.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, does it? It's a story.

Steve: So he get's pally with him...

Karl: So he gets pally with him and it's--

Steve: What, do they go on holiday together?

Karl: Nah, I mean, it starts off--

Steve: On the pull together?

Karl: It starts off just checking each other out and, uhh, you know, probably sharing lunch and that together.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Anyway, this goes on for a while, he's, uhh- you know, they- they're gettin' on well and that. And then after a while, right, the monkey starts, sort of, imitatin' him a bit more and, sort of, walkin' upright.

Ricky: Ohh God.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Right? So he thinks, "Aw, that's a bit weird". Anyway, they get on really better and what have you so he thinks, "He could- he could live at home with me, this."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Cuz we're gettin' on a storm--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right. So he takes him home and before you know it--

Ricky: Is this the beginning of "Beneath the Planet of the Apes"?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I think it is. I think you've seen this on video.

Karl: Well--

Steve: I- I'm worried- I- cuz he's already imitating him and they're moving in together- I'm thinking it's maybe a bit like "Single White Female".

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Steve Chuckles

Steve: "Single White Zookeeper".

Ricky: (Laughing) AHHHHHH. Brilliant!

Karl: Right--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: So anyway... So, he's movin' in, and it's getting used to, sort of, the- the normal human life. He's havin' a cup of tea in the morning--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh--

Steve: PG tips.

Karl: Has a--

Ricky Cackles With Laughter

Karl: Has a, uhh- he finishes the day off with a-

Ricky: Ahhhh! Oh dear.

Karl: With a--

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Finishes--

Steve: Finishes the day off with what?

Karl: With a--

Ricky: He does- he doesn't happen to be at the piano at one point, does he?

Karl: A little brandy.

Steve: (Laughing) He finishes the day off with a little brandy?!

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: (Laughing) What- he pours himself a- is he wearing a smoking jacket?

Ricky: You- I'll tell you what, Karl, you're- you're a maniac, mate.

Karl: Listen, listen. No- this is what attracted me, it's amazing, right.

Ricky: Right.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: So, he's having his brandy and that, he's loving his life, umm--

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: Next thing you know, he, sort of, umm... I don't know if he loses it or he gets shaved but the top half of his body is hairless.

Steve: Gets hairless.

Karl: Right? Apart from his head. Right, so he's got a nice little--

Ricky: So it's the opposite of the kid--

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Yeahh.

Karl: This is what I'm saying.

Ricky: Well, that- that would happen.

Karl: Right--

Steve: Well, hold on. So you don't know if he was shaved or if it fell out.

Ricky: How did it say- "Uh, then the- the hairless--"

Karl: I'll bring--

Ricky: What?

Karl: I'll bring it in for ya - the story - and then you can see if I've gone wrong.

Steve: All right. Well, keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

Karl: So anyway- so, umm--

Ricky: Well--

Karl: So this is going on and it- it- he's having a great life. Then the zookeeper starts getting a bit annoyed because... he's having a better life than the zookeeper. The zookeeper's in the zoo--

Ricky: This is such shh- rubbish.

Steve: So, the zookeeper's still got to do a day's work. The monkey's at home, he's partyin', he's got his other chimp mates around.

Karl: Well, it gets to a point when he says, "There's no point in ya comin' in to the zoo because the whole reason of you being there was because you're being kept there."

Steve: Right.

Karl: And he didn't want to bring the memories back so he said, "You stay home." So the--

Ricky: You are j- y- talking such boll--

Steve: Just let him finish!

Ricky: God! I don't know if I can sit here and listen to this drivel!

Steve: Let me- I'm- I'm fascinated. It sounds--

Karl: It's nearly- it's nearly over anyway, right.

Steve: It sounds extraordinary, Karl.

Karl: So, he's walkin' upright, he's havin' a tea in the morning, finishing the day off with brandy--

Ricky Wheezes With Laughter

Karl: Gets a bit out of hand... only tries it on with the zookeeper's wife.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: (Laughing) Make him go away, Steve.

Steve: How does he do that?

Karl: Well, because he's around humans a lot, he becomes a bit of a charmer and uhh--

Ricky Wheezes With Laughter

Steve: But what- what is it that he can do to seduce her? Pick fleas out of her?!

Ricky: W--

Karl: It didn't say but--

Ricky: He's built. He was built.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah. He was well hung.

Ricky Makes Guttural Sounds

Karl: So, what about- what about that?

Ricky: Well it- what do you mean, "what about it", Karl? It's obviously not true! (Pounding the Desk) It's obviously not true.

Karl: This- this wasn't on the internet, this was in a book. So, it's not a quick joke and just, "Aww, put it on a website." This is in a book.

Steve: I don't understand how the monkey--

Ricky: I love the fact that he becomes a charmer. He's got better tasting brandy.

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: And he- aww. That is...

Steve: What is it he was doing that seduced her?

Karl: I don't know. I th- maybe because he was at home more than the zookeeper was.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But what would he be doing, Karl?!

Ricky: I love the fact that--

Steve: It's not gonna be talking with her. They're not going to be playing, like, Trivial Pursuit.

Karl: Maybe- maybe she liked the silent type.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: I do- I d- it didn't go into that, it just said it- that's when the trouble started.

Ricky: (Laughing) Karl, play a record.

Karl: All right.

Oasis - "Song Bird" Begins To Play

Steve: Is that what Suzanne did when she brought you home?

Ricky Cackles

Song: Oasis - Song Bird