19 January 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 19 January 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

That's The Third One Today

RICKY: XFM 104.9, kicking off there with the Dandy Warhols, Steve.
STEVE: Sure.
RICKY: Ricky Gervais Show, with me Steve Merchant.
STEVE: Always let me say that!
RICKY: Well, oh I thought you were…
STEVE: What?
RICKY: Five past One, innit.
STEVE: Already an error has occurred, which is a shame cos it could have been slick.
RICKY: But, Steve, we’ve got some great music, I’m on a bit of a soul tip this week, to be honest, I was a bit folky last week, you know, but you’ve got stuff from like early Bowie, some Stevie Wonder, little bit of Groove Armada, we’ve got, we’ve got the classics, we’ve got Coldplay, we’ve got Blur, we’ve got Ash…
STEVE: Sure, sure.
RICKY: We haven’t planned anything for the show…
STEVE: You’ve got nothing…
RICKY: No…
STEVE: Just reading a list…
RICKY: Of songs that I might play…
STEVE: Thinking that will fill up some time; anything interesting happen to you over the week?
RICKY: Errm...
STEVE: Nope.
RICKY: No.

Pause.

RICKY: I just swore off-air and Karl went “never swear in an on-air studio”

Steve laughs.

STEVE: I love it when Karl tries to sound like he’s professional and understands the business.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: You don’t fool us Karl.
RICKY: Yeah, yeah.
STEVE: I wish I could buy, I wish I could buy, like a Karl, you know like those Garfields you can stick on a car window.
RICKY: Oh yeah.
STEVE: I reckon they should, we should be able to get a Karl like that, that we could send out as a gift to people.
RICKY: That would be lovely wouldn’t it.
STEVE: Just his little face pressed up against the glass like a window licker.
RICKY: Yeah, like a, you’d have to lick his face to stick it.
STEVE: Yeah, that would be a joy…
RICKY: Aww, bless him.
STEVE: Aww, bless him.
RICKY: Or one of those things you throw at a window and it sort of, like, flaps down, they sell ‘em for a quid down Oxford Street.
STEVE: Yeah, exactly on Oxford Street.
RICKY: What are they called?
STEVE: Or one of those little dancing ones.
RICKY: Baby pigeons, that’s what we used to use, or frogs from the pond, that’s cruelty to animals and I don’t condone that, and it was a joke, before the RSPCA phone in and say stop throwing frogs at windows…
STEVE: Well, people who are listening…
RICKY: And I don’t mean the French, by the way, that, that sounds like Xenophobic, before…uh..erm… someone calls in and says stop throwing French people at windows.
STEVE: Yeah.
RICKY: So, I’m digging myself into a hole here aren’t I?
STEVE: Yeah, yeah…
RICKY:’’’ It’s all gone horribly wrong…
STEVE: Quick, mention the Germans and then escape…
RICKY: Yeah, yeah, I don’t mind the Germans.
STEVE: No, good.
RICKY: Erm, Karl, err...
STEVE:I was just, I wonder if people know what Karl looks like in the wide world, is there any reason why they should, have you ever been on anything or…?
RICKY: He’s sort of, he’s like Moby, he looks like Moby…
STEVE: He does look like Moby, yeah that’s who he does…
RICKY: Does that help?
STEVE: Is that a compliment?
KARL: Sort of a Moby, who’s…
RICKY: Manc…
KARL: Had a bit of a… tough paper round when he was younger.
RICKY: Yeah, that’s right.
KARL: Looks a bit more knackered than Moby.
RICKY: Yeah, I think so, yeah… See I’ve got, a, I think Moby’s great, whenever he opens his mouth, I sort of think I’d love to be mates with him, he talks sense, he’s interesting, he’s lovely; I don’t like his records, there’s nothing I can do about that, if I ever meet him, if I ever become top mates with him, and after about a few years of us like driving around and having a pint, and going “Ohhh…”, I’d go “Moby, I’ve never liked anything you’ve ever done…”
STEVE: Is that what you do with your mates, just drive ‘round?

Ricky cackles.

STEVE: What are you sixteen?
RICKY: Never, I’ve never done that…
STEVE: Go to, go to a car park and just do handbrake turns.
RICKY: Never, I’ve haven’t done that since I was like seventeen, and it was like great if someone had a car.
STEVE: You couldn’t believe that you were just moving.
RICKY: I remember once, right, my mate, um, err, Bob, had a car, and there were me and another friend in it and we were young, about eighteen and he did an u-turn when he shouldn’t and a, and this motorbike hit him and came off, and the music, and we went “turn the music down…”, it was really really bad right, and he was there and he was really worried and the motorbike bloke was dazed and he went “are you okay, I’m really sorry…” and he went “yeah…” and I put my head out the window and went “sorry about that mate… that’s the third one today…”

Steve laughs.

RICKY: And this motorbike just looked at him and he went “don’t do that Gervais, why d’you do that…? Why d’you say that…?” I just thought it would be funny, I didn’t really understand the, you know, the severity of this.
STEVE: I have told on the radio before, about that time when I, I’d just passed my test and I was driving my parents’ Volvo estate and we went off driving down some country lanes, have I mentioned that?
RICKY: Is this the one with the…?

Pause.

STEVE: Yeah.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: I’ve told you have I?
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: Have I told you Karl?
KARL: No, no, go on.
STEVE: Well, maybe tell you a bit later on.
RICKY: Oh let’s play a record…
STEVE: Yeah, play a record, I’ll tell you later…
RICKY: There’s, there’s a great anecdote about a Volvo estate coming up.
STEVE: Exactly, that’s the kind of stuff you’re getting on XFM this Saturday afternoon.
RICKY: Do you want some Coldplay or what?
STEVE: Oh I’d love to…

Song: Coldplay - Don’t Panic

My Parents Had A Big Volvo

RICKY: Coldplay, don’t panic.

Steve laughs.

RICKY: That’s the title of the song as well as what I was saying.
STEVE: Clever.
RICKY: In fact I was just saying the title of the song, if I’m being honest and making it sound like it was conversation, XFM 104.9, it’s the Ricky Gervais Show with Steve Merchant.
STEVE: Thanks.
RICKY: You were gonna tell us a little story about a Volvo estate…
STEVE: Just passed my test…
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: My parents had a big Volvo estate and that’s quite a big car…
RICKY: Alright, don’t show off, my parents didn’t have a car.
STEVE: Now, I know you don’t drive cars Rick, and it’s quite a big car to drive if you’ve just passed your test.
RICKY: Safe though innit?
STEVE: It is very safe though, that’s the thing.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: And I live, come from the West Country, obviously, quite a lot of winding lanes round there…
RICKY: No! You’re joking, do ya?
KARL: Do they have cars there?

Ricky laughs.

STEVE: Oh, here he comes!

Ricky cackles. STEVE: Blimey Karl!
RICKY: (In West Country accent) Learnt on a tractor, automatic it was.
STEVE: Do you want me to tell it or not?
RICKY: (Imitating Steve) Oooh!! Don’t go on about me accent!! Oh no, I’m not a wurzel. Go on.

Ricky and Steve sigh.

RICKY: Go on.
STEVE: So I went to this party…
RICKY: You have a go at him for being from the north.
STEVE: Not when he’s telling an anecdote.
RICKY: He’s never telling an anecdote.
STEVE: Oh yeah, fair point.
RICKY: Yeah, go on.
STEVE: So I went to a party and I was quite excited, cos I had the car, had the motor and there was a chick heading down to the party, that I was like, you know, had my eye on, and I thought like now I’ve got a car and I’m going to the party, it’s gonna be amazing right.
RICKY: With your glass eye.
STEVE: Various, various friends had said like can we get a lift, I thought ‘yeah, groovy’…
RICKY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STEVE: I’ll pick up the chick as well, who was a friend of a friend…
RICKY: Yep, yep, yep, yep.
STEVE: So, cruising down to the party in the motor, the Volvo estate and there’s nothing sexier than that, you know slipping a little bit of Billy Joel on the stereo or whatever, something classy…
RICKY: (Singing) “Don’t go changing…”
STEVE: (Laughing) Exactly and err… maybe it was Billy Ocean, maybe I had it, I was quite a Billy, a big Billy fan…
RICKY: Oh, maybe it was ‘Get Out of My Dreams, Get into My Car’…
STEVE: Ideally.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: So I get to the party and inevitably it was one of those house parties where the chick that I had my eye on, she kind of was chatting to other guys, and not really paying attention to me and I was, I was sort of…
RICKY: Playing hard to get was she again!
STEVE: Ah!!
RICKY: Ah!!
STEVE: Same old story!
RICKY: Oh, they make me laugh!
STEVE: They know how to tease don’t they! The ladies.
RICKY: They make me laugh, who are they kidding?
STEVE: So I’d follow her like a dog, you know, from room to room, and watching…
RICKY: Quite literally, sometimes he was barking… go on.
STEVE: And while, you know, just watch her while she talked to other blokes and then obviously I wasn’t, because I was driving, I wasn’t drinking, so I was not really enjoying myself and then somebody said “Shall we go and pick up Vera…?” And I thought, right, okay, they went “Steve’s got a car, let’s all leap in there, we’ll go and pick up Vera…” and then this girl was like up for it as well, and I thought ‘brilliant’, I’ll be back in the car with her, you know away from all these lads.
RICKY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
STEVE: One guy she had her eye on, he came as well, I was a little bit annoyed.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: But anyway, he was in the car and I was driving down these country lanes and they’re directing me, just saying “go left here, go right…”, and then suddenly we stop and he goes, one of ‘em goes “just drive into that field…”, this pitch black field right, and I’m sort of like “well, it is my parents’ car…”.

“Just drive into the field Steve!” and I’m thinking like I don’t want to not seem like I’m a hard, cool, crazy kind of guy, cos the chick’s in the car, so I drove the car into the field and they all leapt out and started running off into the darkness shouting “Vera, Vera, Vera, where are you…?” so I’m just sort of sat there in the car, waiting…
RICKY: It wasn’t Vera Lynn was it, cos she likes to hide in fields.
STEVE: Bizarrely it wasn’t, it was just, I was just left in the car, on my own with Billy Ocean and suddenly out of the darkness they come back holding a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig that they had stole from a nearby farm…
RICKY: Stolen.
STEVE: And they knew that, they knew that the pig was called Vera, cos someone knew the farmer or something. Anyway, so they’ve got this pig, so now they’re going “put the pig in the back of the car, we’ll take it back to the party, it’ll be hilarious…” I’m thinking, well you know, I’m not sure I want a pig, and all its, you know, piggy crap, in the car, right, crammed in there, but they say “yeah…”, so obviously I’m thinking again, I don’t want to look like, you know, I’m a nerd, you know, I’m terrified of that, Rick ever happening!
RICKY: Yeah, yeah yeah!
STEVE: So…
RICKY: So you go “Hey bring the pig into the car: I’m no nerd!!”
STEVE: Exactly!
RICKY: Yeah, go on.
STEVE: So now I drive off again, I’ve got this pig kind of screeching in the back of the car and they say “stop again, stop again, let’s do some cow-tipping…” and they do that old thing about the fact that you know, cows sleep standing up don’t they, so you can push a cow over and stuff.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: So they’re having a wild time, hilarious. So this time, now we get to a sort of dead end in the, in the road, and they say “well turn round, let’s go back to the party…” I’m thinking ‘fine’, try and do a three point turn in this very narrow country lane, right, get the Volvo estate wedged horizontally across the road. Can’t get it out, just can’t seem to sort it out. I don’t know why and now I’m panicking cos there’s a pig in the car, right, and local disgruntled farmers, right, people drunk, partying, probably off their head on some kind of weed, Rick..
RICKY: Was it loads of blokes with like pitchforks and flaming torches going “burn him; he’s playing with our pig…”
STEVE: Exactly that, and, and so then, you know, I was so terrified that all I could think was there gonna have to send a helicopter to lower a magnet, onto the top of the car to lift the car up and put it the right way round.
RICKY: You used to read a lot of comics didn’t ya?
STEVE: Yeah.
RICKY: Yeah
STEVE: So, you know what I started doing?
RICKY: What?
STEVE: Crying.
RICKY: Did you really?
STEVE: Yeah.
RICKY:Why?
STEVE: Just started crying, just slightly, started getting upset and the other guy that the girl fancied, he had to get into the driving seat and sort it out for me…
RICKY: Oh no.
STEVE: By slowly edging forward and backwards…
RICKY: So that’s the worst bit of the whole story…
STEVE: Yeah, edging slowly back and forwards, he just sorted it out slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly worked the car back round and then we were off.
RICKY: You were just gently weeping…
STEVE: Just gently weeping in the back…
RICKY: While the bloke had just taken the bird that you saw from a distance, that was basically your wife in your head by then, wasn’t it, I can’t believe it.
STEVE: We were happily married with a pig for a child.

Ricky cackles.

RICKY: Don’t joke, that could happen.
STEVE: I know.
KARL: Do erm, pigs, do pigs come, if you like…
RICKY: Sorry?
STEVE: What?
RICKY: What did you say, what did you say, what did you say?
STEVE: When you do what Karl?
RICKY: When, what? What, what did you say?

Karl chuckles (!)

RICKY: No, what did you say, cos I don’t want to have to go to the radio authority again, what did you say then?
RICKY: Just remember, just remember, just remember…
STEVE: We are going out live Karl…
RICKY: Remember Tom Binns, right, what did you say?

Karl chuckles again (!)

KARL: All I’m saying is why are they shouting ‘Vera’, cos pigs don’t come to the name do they?
STEVE: Eh? I don’t know the ins and outs of pig, of you know how to lure a pig into your trap.
RICKY: Can I just tell you some very, very interesting things about pigs.
STEVE: Please do.
RICKY: Right, one, they have, everyone knows, they have a corkscrew shaped penis, right.
KARL: Yeah, I’ve heard that.
STEVE: A corkscrew shaped penis? That’s the tail isn’t it?
RICKY: Two, they can’t look up, they can’t put their head back and look up, right, three, they can have a thirty minute orgasm.
KARL: Yep.
STEVE: Rick, is it only pigs who have a corkscrew-shaped penis?
RICKY: No, and landlords.
STEVE: Okay.
RICKY: Very handy.
KARL: Here’s one for ya…
RICKY: Go on.
KARL: If you like insects facts and stuff…
RICKY: Go on.
KARL: Erm, if a man was a flea…
RICKY: He could jump over St Paul’s Cathedral…
KARL: No, wrong, it’s gone up now.

Ricky cackles.

KARL: The big wheel… the big wheel…
STEVE: The Millennium Wheel.
RICKY: It’s gone up now! It’s gone up now! Play a record, you’re the best.

Song: Dilated People – Worst Comes To Worst

You Can Have A Moody Canary

RICKY: Ash, There's a Star on XFM 104.9, now, Steve, Karl text messaged me in the week, very excited, cos he'd just watched a program that proved me and you were stupid, remember when we sort of championed the anti-supernatural.
STEVE: Yes, the sceptical view...
RICKY: Just absolutely sceptical about things like that, we're atheists, we don't believe in ghosts, anything like that, anything supernatural, we're very, we're followers of James Randy, a genius of our times, but Karl saw something that proved us wrong, I'd like Karl to tell you what this proof was, what he saw it on and, look at him, go on...
KARL: It was on, it was on Wednesday night, I was watching, see the problem is I didn't get the full story, so you could pick holes out of it...
STEVE: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
RICKY: Unlike your usual investigations into the supernatural.
STEVE: Which are thorough.
RICKY: It was called, can I just tell 'em what the program was called?
KARL: Mr Exorcist.

Steve laughs.

STEVE: Brilliant.
RICKY: Sounds like an academic work to me.
KARL: The bit that I caught, I sort of just flicked it over, seeing what was on the telly and I thought 'Exorcist – I've seen it, but there's nothing else on I'll watch it' but I realised it wasn't the same thing, I thought 'oh I'll have a bit of this', there was an old woman and her daughter and as far as I was aware, the bit I picked up on, they were saying oh you know it's dreadful unless you've been through it, you know you've had ghosts in your house and that, you really don't know what it's like and the main thing that seemed to be getting them down was the fact that the budgie was getting stressed.
STEVE: The budgie was getting stressed?
KARL: Cos animals can sense, the, the other side.
STEVE: Can they?
KARL: Yeah.
STEVE: Okay, and how was that manifesting itself, you don't know, what was the budgie doing?
KARL: I think it just wasn't happy.
STEVE: Right, did it, did it explain that to people or, how did it express that?
KARL: Budgies are just known for being chirpy.
STEVE: I see, and it wasn't chirpy.
KARL: It weren't, you know, it normally swings on it's little perch and that.
RICKY: It's just depressed, cos it was possessed.
STEVE: It's just sat around in its pyjamas.
KARL: So, so...
RICKY: No, no, come on Steve, you're making this a mockery, so the budgie was depressed cos he could sense the ghost.
KARL: Yeah and then, so this guy, this Mr Exorcist came round.
STEVE: Was that his name?
KARL: Yeah
STEVE: Okay.
RICKY: What was he a priest or something?
KARL: Yeah, he might have been.
RICKY: Did he have like a black coat with a little white collar, that's usually...
KARL: He had his coat on, so you couldn't tell.
RICKY: Sure, okay.
KARL: So, he came round and sort of did his thing and then the next shot...
STEVE: Was he trying to exorcise the budgie?
KARL: No, the house.
STEVE: Right, so it wasn't that the budgie had a demon or anything.
RICKY: No, this wasn't a possession this was a straightforward, it wasn't a poltergeist or anything, it was just a...
STEVE: A haunted house.
KARL: Yeah, but that's the thing he was saying, you can have like your ghouls and that, that aren't that bad, that aren't gonna cause you any problems, but obviously the budgie, they've got weak hearts and that, haven't they.
STEVE: Sure, so he, go on.
KARL: So basically he sorted it out, did whatever he did and the next shot you see is like the budgie making a noise and swinging about...
STEVE: It's happy.
KARL: It's over the moon again and the old woman was like happy, cos she was a bit stressed...
STEVE: She couldn't believe her luck.
KARL: And then...
RICKY: The priest didn't come in and go well you should feed that bird, give it a bit of millet, it was happy, he goes right, see you later
KARL: No, it...
RICKY: No, it was...
KARL: It was, I mean budgies are, my mam's got a budgie, and they, they're fairly happy all the time, so it's got to be something fairly odd.
RICKY: You never see a budgie sitting down going “I feel like topping myself to be honest”.
KARL: D'you know what I mean?
RICKY: No, no.
KARL: You know how you can have a moody dog, you can see a dog when it's unhappy, walking down the street...
RICKY: You can have a moody canary can't you and often what they do is, they tell the police what you've been doing, they're known for that.
KARL: So, yeah...
STEVE: So that, basically for you, proof that the supernatural exists, a bird in a cage got a little bit annoyed, wasn't chirping as much as it normally did, who knows why, there could have been a little draft up its you know, and...
RICKY: Cloaca, that's the medical term.
STEVE: Anyway, a man came in and did whatever he did, to use your phrase...
RICKY: Mr Exorcist though Steve, this wasn't any bloke off the street, this was Mr Exorcist.
STEVE: Yeah.
RICKY: Yeah, so...
STEVE: And for you that was pR:roof that there's...
KARL: Just because like if it was a person, you could say oh they was playing up for the cameras.
RICKY: Yes, a budgie couldn't possibly act like that Steve.
STEVE: I see what you mean, you're saying a budgie would not be, it wouldn't be trying to become famous, or get on telly.
RICKY: Unlike Lassie, who was basically a show-off.
STEVE: Or Champion, the Wonder Horse.
RICKY: Yeah.
KARL: So, what do you think?

Pause.

STEVE: Um...
RICKY: I think...
STEVE: Well, I've changed my tune Rick, I don't know about you...
RICKY: I have and I think we should play a record.
STEVE: I'd love to get Mr Exorcist in, wouldn't that be amazing?
RICKY: Never dabble with things you don't understand...
STEVE: Sorry.
RICKY: Like women, see what I did there?
STEVE: Oh, he's turned that back on me.
RICKY: Blur, boys and girls.
STEVE: Girls and boys, you've embarrassed yourself...

Song: Boys and Girls - Blur