20 April 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 20 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show

One Day I Hope To Sleep With A Lady

Ricky: See? Strokes - Someday. Now that was a better--a better choice, wunnit, to start off with? Um, oh hello, uh.. ladies and gentlemen.. Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously. Steve.. Mitchell.

Steve: Now, come on, lets get my name right from now. Tha-that novelty has worn off.

Steve: What is it? Is it--?

Steve: Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Oh yeah.. they the..

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's the wrong one, innit--Mitchell?

Steve: The Guardian got it wrong. It's Steve Merchant.

Ricky: The more I say Mitchell the more people will think it might--

Steve: Exactly. It might be Mitchell.

Ricky: Oh God... Sorry Dave.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Um, but Karl wanted to start off with the Stereophonics.

Steve: Ahhh... Loser.

Ricky: 'Cuz it was "a newer track." And Karl now, we've made him what he is. He was nothing when we found him

Steve: Nobody. He was like work experience

Ricky: And now he's going, "Oh, we should start off with the Stereophonics" and I'm going, "Karl"--

Steve: Trying to tell you what to do, Rick.

Ricky: --"if I want anyones opinion... I don't."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Basically.

Steve: Well, you'd probably come to me I'd imagine.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Befo--

Steve: I'd be the first person.

Ricky: Before Karl.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'd consult you, Steve

Steve: Thank you.

Ricky: So, just keep it... just 'cuz he was in, what was it, Pilkie's Makin Music?

Steve: Yeah, his mobile disco outfit.

Ricky and Steve: Pilkie's Makin Music

Ricky: I'll bet you never pleased a crowd once.

Karl: I did. Loads of times.

Ricky: Go on then. What'd you play? What's the biggest gig you ever played?

Karl: I did, uh... like a social club.. gig.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it wasn't just about the music, either.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I used to--

Steve: What else could it be about?

Karl: I used to take prizes... and cigars, and stuff.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: In a youth club?

Karl: To give away.

Ricky: I just love these like fourteen-year-old Mancs hangin' out, goin', "Let's go down there, he might have some fags and cigars for us."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it was whatever, like... was on me mom and dad's dressing table.

Ricky: That could have been embarrassing.

Steve laughs

Steve: That could have been deeply embarrassing.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Owhh.. Yeah. You've won...

Steve: And third prize: some handcuffs...

Ricky: And a black mamba.

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: I'm not saying... that... at any point in your upbringing, your parents left around any kind of... marital aid on the dressing table. Don't think I'm saying that, Karl. I'm not suggesting--Look he doesn't like this, does he?

Steve: No--we--no. I can understand why.

Ricky: Oh yeah. 'Cuz it's about his...

Steve: It's about his parents having sex.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, they must've!

Steve: Yeah, at once.. at least--

Ricky: At least three times.

Karl: I think I was an accident.

Ricky and Steve: (unintelligible)

Ricky: I think--I think it's been ongoing.

Karl: Just because me brother and sister are quite older than me.

Ricky: Yeah, me too. I was an accident, I know that, yeah. How olds your, uh, brother and sister?

Karl: Uhhmmm.. I think me sister's about... thirty-nine.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And me brother's about... thirty-seven

Ricky: Okay, and your... twenty-nine

Karl: I'm like.. twenty-nine

Ricky: Right, so, yeah. My next one's eleven years older than me.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: I was definitely a--

Steve: Do you want to have a hug, you two? Or...

Ricky: Yeah... Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You dealing with it now? You got over it?

Ricky: Well, would you like to see us have a hug? Ooh.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Oh. You had a mobile disco as well, didn't you?

Steve: You're havin' a laugh aren't you. I was--every single gig I did... dynamite. People loved it. It was stormin'.

Ricky: Wha--what was it called?

Steve: I ran it from about the age of fourteen to... eighteen?

Ricky: What was it called? Was it called anythi--

Steve: The name of our mobile disco?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It had two names in its lifetime.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It started its life as... bear with it--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: "The Rock and Roll DJs"

Ricky: Oh my god... "The Rock and Roll DJ"... that's the worst...

Steve laughs

Ricky: I mean that's the worst.

Steve: Yeah. That's the most appalling. But then, it became pretty bad after that... when it became... "The Fantasy Island Roadshow"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why?

Steve: I don't know.

Ricky: 'Cuz everyone up to you looked like Tattoo?

Steve: Partly that. And I--'cuz I liked the program Fantasy Island.

Ricky: Why did you like the program Fantasy Island?

Steve: Well, it was about love, on an island.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It wasn't. It was about a midget on an island.

Steve: No. The midget was a minor character. It was about people going on an island to find love and romance.

Ricky: He was a minor chara--

Steve: You obviously switched off once the midget had gone off and said, "There's the plane."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's that then. Your parents went, "That's over then."; "It's only five minutes long?"; "Yeah, well it's..."

Ricky: Let's watch that fantasy midget.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What happened then? Cuz didn't they aah--they, um, acted out their fantasies on an island, eh?

Steve: Well people would pay to go to the island, um...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To live out their own romantic fantasies and invariably that was (unintelligable).

Ricky: It was always roman--it was always about... getting off with people?

Steve: Yeah, it was a kind of love island. Yeah.

Ricky: Was it?

Steve: Well, no not always. Sometimes they might be uh...

Ricky: Maybe I didn't watch a whole one. Maybe I did just see him like... smackin' little Tattoo around the head.

Steve: I think you did, mhmph. I think you just saw the trailer.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Aw. Oh, really?

Steve: But, um...

Ricky: So what did they sort of go? "I've always wanted to have... someone in..."

Steve: Well, no. It might be something like, you know, "I've always wanted to, uh, to sort of, to live out, uh, being a gunslinger in a wild west frontier town," you know, so you might kind of... create that fantasy.

Ricky: So what's that got to do with love--?

Steve: Well, invariably he'd find love, or he'd sort out some emotional problem he had. It was much more a spiritual and emotional journey than it was about little midgets runnin' around.

Ricky: So basic--but was it, like, um, "Oh. I'd like to be a cowboy and I'd like to have been one with a shag."

Steve laughs

Ricky: "Oh, and while I'm there..."

Steve: Yeah, it was like Jim'll Fix It. Like those letters you wrote to Jim'll Fix It.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "I'd like to meet Five Star and if something happens, so be it."

Ricky continues laughing

Ricky: Well...

Steve: No, I have to just say once though--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: This is about my, this is my DJing credentials. I was once playing, uh... music at a scout jamboree.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: When I was about seventeen, sixteen, seventeen.

Ricky: Big gig, though.

Steve: Big gig. There was a thousand scouts there.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Right, and I'll tell you this, we were playin' our stuff. They were lovin' it. They were dancing, it was in a big marquee, right?

Ricky: Right..

Steve: I slapped on Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Ricky: Yeah..

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They went mad..

Steve: They went mad for it. They were moshing, they were climbing up the poles. The organizers were going, "Switch that off! Switch that off!" Right? They're going crazy, and I was there going, "No! That's what they like. I'm going to do it." And--

Ricky: It was like Foot Loose!

Steve: It was unbelievable, it was just like Foot Loose. Then I came in with Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of; the place went wild.

Ricky: Wh.. Yeah.

Steve: And they were trying to get me off the decks. It was like Bill... it was like Bill Grundy interviewing the Sex Pistols.

Ricky: And then when... when the head andevribud had you killed...

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Right, by some mafia thing, it was all hushed up. Then the scouts went there one night with all candles and sat by your grave and the... and that was the end of the film. It was a film, I assume?

Steve: No, this genuinely happened!

Ricky: I assume this didn't really happen.

Steve: Yes it did, I swear to God I was playing Smells Like Teen Spirit and it went wild and the organizers were going, "Switch that off! They're going crazy," and I was going, "No! It's what they want."

Ricky: Can I say summat?

Steve: It was brilliant.

Ricky: That, to me.. I've known you about four years and I've heard all these things--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That must be the highlight of your life.

Steve: Unbelievably so, yeah.

Ricky: It's--you've never had anything that good--

Steve: No.

Ricky: --or exciting since, have you?

Steve: One day I hope to sleep with a lady...

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: ...and hopefully that'll--it will slide into second place.

Song: The Clash - Rock The Casbah

How Many Calculators Do You Need?

Ricky: Rock the Casbah...

Steve: I love the fact that you had at least three minutes to get that right

Ricky: I know.

Steve: To prepare and get that right.

Ricky: I know, but my mouth was full of Maryland Cookies.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah. You know last week?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: This'll, ah, this'll blow your mind. He came in, do you know what he bought, for himself, at about 10? Penguins.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Who buys Penguins still?

Steve: I know; or Wagon Wheels.

Ricky: Oh, I've never liked Wagon Wheels

Steve laughs

Steve: Have you not been a fan?

Ricky: No, no. But sorry 'bout that, it's The Clash and Rock the Cashbah.

Steve: Mmhm.

Ricky: Um, talking about records, have I told you that time my brother-in-law, um... uh, he was moving out of his place and I think moving in with my sister and I was about like, um, I dunno, thirteen. Um... and so he was about, I dunno, thirty. And movin in--And he brought round all um.. uh, his records when he was storage to leave them at our house, right? And he all these old sort of records, fifties and sixties records, they're Elvis, right? And, uh um, and uh, they, uh... put them upstairs... and I was looking through them, and uh... it was just all like Elvis stuff and Beatles stuff and there was a mate of mine who loved Elvis, okay?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: And he had um...

Steve: Oh hello.

Ricky: ...loads of chemicals. Yeah. He had loads of chemicals and I was into chemistry, and uh, he said, "I'll swap you some chemicals for them." So I sort of nicked about five Elvis singles and I got all these chemicals and then... just guilt--

Karl: Ehmm.. what sort of chemicals?

Ricky: Just things like, you know, um... uh... just things like from a chemistry set... you know, crystals and metals and magnesium, all that sort of stuff that I just like to muck around with. And um... and uh... and then the guilt just... hit me, and just I thought, "Well, he's gonna notice that." And I just... one night, I just came down stairs and I confessed to my mum. She went, "Alright... well... I won't tell him, but you've got to be good." And it sort of like, I was just... really, really good for a year.

Karl: Hmph.

Ricky: And then, and then I was... have I told you this, am I not--?

Karl: No, no. You've just reminded me of something.

Ricky: And then... I remember, um, when I was about eighteen... uh... my brother was talking about it... and he said, "Did you ever, um, uh... play those records I left for you?"

Steve laughs

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: He told my mum, "These are for Ricky." She just didn't tell me.

Steve: She was sharp, wasn't she?

Karl: Ahhh...

Ricky: She, she... opportunism there.

Steve: Awww... that's genius.

Ricky: And uh, that was it. That's why I was good.

Steve: But you've never stolen anything since, have you?

Ricky: No... I don't, I don't, I don't...

Steve: Except that spate of uh... of shop-lifting after that to teach your mum a lesson.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Well, we went round uh, and uh.. arson.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Uh, no, no. I did, I just couldn't believe it. I just... oh.

Steve: That's a great trick.

Karl: I remember um... and I think all kids go through a phase of shop-lifting.

Steve: Well...

Karl: And, and... wh-wh-when I was going through it...

Steve: Mmm..

Karl: Um, I used to just--just little things. Just like, magic markers and uh... magazines, Mars bars, that sort of thing.

Steve: Yeah. Cigars and dildos.

Karl: And um... And one day, right?

Ricky: Same thing.

Karl: Uh... me mate... Antony, his mom called up my mom and said, "I've got to uh... I've got to meet up with ya. I've got to have a word with ya." And uh... she said, "What about?"; she said, "I don't want to talk about it over the phone." So she goes, "Oh, right. Well, yeah... come round tonight, then." So anyway, me mum sees me, she--she doesn't want to be in an awkward position and like... be a bit embarassed and what have you so she sees me and she goes, "Right. Antony's mum is coming 'round. What 'ave you been doing?"

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I go, "Oh god..."; I said, "I've been nicking stuff."

Steve exhales

Karl: So she goes, "Like what?" and I go, "Not big stuff... I've had a few... calculators and, uh, Mars bars and stuff."

Ricky: "How many?"; "I'll just work it out, hold on"

Ricky pretends to press calculator buttons

Steve laughs

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: "Works out at 7.2 per day."

Karl: So, um...

Steve: How many calculators do you need?

Ricky laughs

Karl: So it was when that phase...

Steve: You failed maths didn't you?

Karl: Everyone wanted a calculator; it was like the trendy thing, wunnit?

Steve: Right. Okay.

Ricky: Yeah. In Manchester a couple years ago, yeah.

Steve chuckles

Karl: So um... so anyway. So, I told her all this and I confessed to like--

Steve: Computers will make it there one day.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: 'Tis magic in the back.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Of battery.

Karl laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Confessed to nicking all this stuff... she comes 'round. She only wanted to borrow some money.

Steve shrieks with laughter

Steve: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Karl: She said, "Oh... I don't like asking... I was a bit embarrassed to ask you over the phone but can I borrow 20 quid?"

Steve: Oh... that's fantastic.

Karl: And there's me. With these...

Steve: That's great.

Ricky sighs

Karl: And it's the same sort of thing to yours...

Steve: And did you, um--

Ricky: And he went, "Hold on mum, let me just work out the interest on that."

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: "About ten percent... she'll owe you £4.40."

Steve: Yeah. And did you--

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: S-so... your mum was a loan shark.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And um...

Ricky: And uh--

Steve: Di--di--did uh... did she mention--

Ricky: She went, "I'll just, I'll just--"

Steve: --you'd been nicking stuff with your, with that other... 'cause what I'm saying is presumably you got your mate in trouble

Karl: No, no no no no, no.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: She went, "No worries, I'll just go and get my purse, it's on the dressing table."

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly. Yeah

Ricky: "Karl!"

Steve: "Do you want a cigar?"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: What other things did you used to give away at your disco, then, that you would find on the dressing table. You used to go into, um, your parents room and go, "What can I give away tonight?"

Karl: It was--it was stuff like I sai--Cigars.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Me dad liked cigars.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh... I had a pair of tights.

Steve shrieks

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: What d'you mean?

Karl: Unopened... you know how you get 'em in like a long--

Ricky: Who did you give that to?

Karl: Just whoever.. did the prize. It was stuff like, you know... di--we did like a little raffle.

Ricky: I could just imagine Karl going, "This is for a pair of... pretty polly, shear!"

Steve: Brilliant. Who's going joy riding this week? Now who's doing a bank job this week?

Ricky: Exactly. That's what it is used for, yeah.

Karl: Just.. little bits, you know... unopened makeup... just stuff like that.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And did your parents not notice?

Karl: Nah... 'cause it's stuff that... you're not that bothered about. If a telly went missing, they'd notice it.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: They would, wouldn't they? They'd be staring at a wall for three days.

Karl: But a pair of tights and cigar and that...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Got away with it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But it's funny as well, like, 'cause like how you had--you had two names... I just, like, remembered. I started off as um... "Dazzling Daron's Disco." Just because the first lights I could afford belonged to someone who had their name put in lights.

Steve: Right.

Steve laughs

Karl: So I went along with that name for a bit.

Steve: You had to pretend you were called Daron.

Ricky: That's lovely.

Steve: That's great.

Ricky: Was it worth it?

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And then it went on to... "Pilkie's Makin Music"

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Cheers.

Ricky: That's great.

Steve: I know, shall we have some more music?

Karl: Yeah, go on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Cause we've been wittering for hours--

Ricky: Wh-what you gonna play, Karl?

Karl: We've got the... Cooper Temple Clause lined up.

Ricky: Oh, brilliant.

Ricky snickers

Song: The Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies?

Incomplete Transcript: Time: 11:25