21 December 2002

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 21 December 2002/Transcript.

1. Karl's in a Bad Mood Already (0:00:00)

Karl's grumpy because he didn't enjoy last week off. It was Suzanne's dad's birthday and Karl's gift was a Christmas card and paying for the cab to and from the restaurant. Ricky demonstrates his Northern accent whilst imitating Mr Whiston. Karl's gift to Suzanne is meant to be dinner out but Steve shames him into considering a last-minute purchase.

2. Christmas at Auntie Marian's (0:03:38)

Next week is a best-of, which will likely be mostly Karl. There's only 2 installments of Educating Ricky this week because it's a bit of a struggle finding stuff. Karl has a new feature, however, and introduces Do We Need 'Em? Channel 4 has ripped off Rockbusters to which Ricky and Steve are dumbfounded. Richard Anderson has emailed in again today with another biting quip. A listener sends Karl some biscuits and Steve suggests Karl uses those for Suzanne's gift.

3. When I Was About Seven I Enjoyed It (0:07:34)

Karl's got some more tragic stories about his past Christmases, including that his dad used to stay in bed, he was banished to his room from 6pm on because of his parents' big Christmas parties, and his brother broke his train set on Christmas day. Karl also talks about the year he bought his mum a Victoria Plum doll that she didn't like. So now Karl doesn't buy presents anymore.

4. This Isn't a Nice Show At All (0:12:41)

Ricky is quite affected by the Victoria Plum story, but Steve think it's just an excuse. This year Karl has given his parents some money to buy passports. Steve shows some passport ignorance which will later come back to haunt him. Karl talks about more gifts he used to give his parents, like a dressing gown with a cigar in the pocket. Once Karl sneaked a cigar smoke on Boxing Day morning and he never smoked again. Steve talks about his grandparents again and how 20 years ago his grandmother wanted to give his dad Steve's grandfather's overcoat once he dies, but he's still alive.

5. I Like the Idea of It (0:19:11)

Steve's not sure Karl has ever experienced the magic of Christmas. Ross Noble has given them a picture to show Karl of a big-headed lad. As usual, this leads to a brief mention of Karl's dad putting a kid in a wheelie bin. Karl is not christened and his mum used to tell him not to tell people because there are witches. Can Ricky and Steve be ghosts of Karl's past? Steve reads off this week's Rockbusters prizes which are a bit better than the usual tat, including a White Stripes album and a James Caan movie.

6. I've Cleverly Tweaked Them (0:25:05)

Heat Magazine wondered if there would be a Christmas edition of Rockbusters so Karl has made them into Christmas clues. Sort of. That's Rickydiculous isn't starting yet because Ricky couldn't be bothered, and Karl almost swears.

7. I'm After Some Blood (0:29:03)

The disabled toilet at the station doesn't flush but Karl knows how to remedy it. Steve has another toilet-related story about how he sometimes inadvertently keeps disabled people waiting while he uses their toilets in a shop. When people ask him for directions, Steve pretends to be foreign. Karl recently was asked directions for a man who was needed some blood. Karl has a new feature called Pilkington, a.k.a. Do We Need 'Em.

8. Pilkington (0:34:08)

People are calling and writing in with what they want to hear for the best-of next week. Ricky thinks they can do Horse in the House again because Denis Norden would. Kirsty's Home Videos and the Flintstones both have audience laughter. Karl wants to do some listener research on the animals he's looking at - vote "yes" if we can get rid of them and "Noah" to keep them. Karl plays his phone interview with Vicky from an aquarium who declares that we do indeed need to keep jellyfish. Karl thinks turtles can eat other food if we get rid of jellyfish, because if Suzanne isn't home for dinner and he doesn't get an Indian, he'll get a Chinese.

9. I Like Learnin (0:43:11)

Karl's mum likes gnomes, fairies, and Indians. Karl missed a TV program last night about little fellas without legs who steal cars. Ricky recounts all the Educating Ricky topics he can remember. The headlines this week are "Oh What a Cat-Toe-Strophe" and "You'd Think It'd be Bug-Head, Wouldn't It" New listeners will be surprised to hear how much they talk about about animals without heads. Karl speculates on body part replacement in the future.

10. The Worst Piece of Tat I've Ever Seen (0:51:01)

A listener sends in an eBay link for Victoria Plum. Karl does the 2nd Educating Ricky topic about the cat with 27 toes. Are there other disabilities that are actually abilities? Karl thinks at least disabled people have toilets with "multi-gym facilities" and the Elephant Man wouldn't worry about his hair.

11. Merry Christmas Karl (0:58:32)

Steve's got Karl some champagne for Christmas and Ricky will give him his gift Christmas day as they'll be together. Karl gives the Rockbusters answers which quickly turns Ricky's mood to obscenities. Who says to their mum "Smashing pumpkins"? Ricky and Steve end the show with a little kiss for Karl.

Quotes

Ricky: I love the fact that you’ve got an expert, and then suggest that she’s gonna be having sex with Noah!

Karl: The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’
Ricky: Neither do you!

Rockbusters

There's a load of letters there asking for advice - put them on Claire's desk. Oh and, have a good Christmas. F.
Ask your mam if you should, after you've wrapped the presents. S.
A couple of people were arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter, but it's busy in there because it's Christmas. B.

Playlist

Eminem - Lose Yourself
Pretenders - 2000 Miles
Badly Drawn Boy - Donna and Blitzen
Athlete - You Got the Style
Goldrush - Let You Down
Teenage Fanclub - Christmas Eve
Supergrass - "Seen the Light"
The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl- Fairytale of New York
Feeder - Just The Way I'm Feeling
Mark Eitzel - Snowbird
John Lennon - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
Joni Mitchell - River

External Links

• Victoria Plum on eBay
• The cat with 27 toes and other polydactyl felines