21 June 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 21 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

It Wasn't Even a Holiday

Song: The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Ricky: Well, there's The Darkness, they believe in a thing called love, Karl, do you? This is XFM 104.9. That is my favorite band at the moment.

Steve: You're lovin' 'em.

Ricky: I- I absolutely love them. I think they're funny. I think they're straight down the line with a little bit of tongue-in-cheek.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Ah, brilliant. Did you see them on Jools Holland last night?

Steve: I didn't, sadly, no.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Were they good?

Ricky: Absolutely- just- oh- I mean, Jools didn't know what to do.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Was he playing some boogie woogie?

Ricky: He- They wouldn't let him play boogie woogie over their song.

Steve: Blimey.

Ricky: That's why, I mean, that's why he stayed back. But, uh-

Steve: I can't imagine it was very good then.

Ricky: He shook the- It was-

Steve: I'm surprised you said they were good.

Ricky: I thought- I thought, "Hold on. This is missing something."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "This- this is missing someone from Squeeze vamping over them."

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly, yeah.

Ricky: But, um, they did- they did well without him.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow. Good luck to them.

Ricky: Here we are then, we're back. XFM 104.9. Karl had to leave early last week, but um, you- can you stay to the end this week, mate? Or-

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: You don't need a- you don't need another holiday?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Ooh. Oh, he's started already.

Steve: I mean, you know-

Ricky: Steve's made you look like a bit of a twat already and it's only five past one.

Karl: But the only reason you don't go on holiday is 'cause you have to spend money!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Oh! And he's come straight back!

Steve: Well...

Ricky: He's come straight-

Ricky Laughs More

Steve: I can't come back to that. It's just-

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: It's just dynamite. It's just absolute- that was- that was- that was searing-

Ricky: Although the last holiday he- the last holiday Steve had- he, sort of, found a third world country so he could live like a king for a week. It was Cuba wasn't it?

Steve: Went to Cuba, amazing. You can live- you can almost rule the place.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: If it weren't for Castro I'd have been in charge the kind of cash I was flashing around. They'll do anything for a dollar over there. It's extraordinary. Literally. I mean, it's amazing.

Ricky: Yeah. Ohhh.

Steve: Definitely. And I went to Kenya before that.

Ricky: So he thought, the prostitute said no. You were gut-

Steve: Well, it was two dollars, I'm not made of money.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Did you have a good holiday, Karl?

Karl: Uhhhh. Yeah, it was alright. It was alright. Went down to Cornwall.

Steve: Now you were going to the monkey sanctuary.

Karl: Tell you what, there's some odd people down there, Steve.

Steve: Well, don't look at me, I'm not from Cornwall.

Karl: Well, you're from that, sort of, area.

Steve: Well, not really, but-

Ricky: Genetically, he means.

Steve: Right.

Karl: They're weird.

Steve: Mm, well, you must've slided right in.

Ricky: Why are they weird? What do they look like?

Karl: They're just all, sort of, uh, odd people. Uh, lot of old people but not just old, sort of, messed up old.

Ricky: What do you mean "messed up old"? Describe- you can't just say that. There's- there's-

Karl: There's a woman with a funny neck.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Okay. In what way was it funny?

Ricky: What- why did she have a funny neck? If you were writing an essay you wouldn't say "there was this woman with a funny neck". How would you describe it?

Karl: She, uh, sort of, had her head pointed down all the time.

Karl Imitates the Woman with the Funny Neck

Ricky: Don't do it! This is radio.

Karl: No, but, just for you, like that. Walkin' about like that.

Ricky: Yeah... okay... right. So, brilliant.

Karl: And I don't know- I was saying to Suzanne, "What happened? You know, what do you think?"

Ricky: 'Cause Suzanne knows everything, that's the good thing about her being with you. You just ask her, "What happened to her?" and Suzanne goes, "Karl, I don't know. I haven't been here before.

Steve: Suzanne, your girlfriend, or "Mummy" as you call her.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Oh, sparks are flying.

Steve imitating Karl

Steve: I got a little bit of choco, could you just lick a tissue and wipe it off?"

Karl: She said it might've been like 'cause back in the olden days they carried stuff on their-

Ricky: The olden days!

Steve Laughs

Steve: What do you mean "the olden days"?

Ricky: This woman was probably what? 50?

Karl: Uh, no, she looked about 70.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But like I do on Cheeky Freak of the Week, right, I always turn it 'round and we get, like, something good out of it.

Steve: Something positive, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said- I said to Suzanne, "I bet she finds a lot of money."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Always starin' at the ground, yeah.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Karl: Which is always- which is always good.

Ricky: So, um, you're back-

Steve: Maybe she just had new shoes and she was admiring them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you think of that before you pointed a finger and judged?

Ricky: Or her necklace was too heavy.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So, you're back, refreshed. So, uh, what have we got for this week? Have we- sort of- 'cause we didn't meet last night which, uh, we usually meet, sort of-

Karl: No, I called you and said it'd be good if we could. I- you know, I wasn't getting back into London 'til half past 7.

Ricky: Well, I was up for it. I was up for it. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, but we all need to be there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's no good just me and you being there.

Ricky: Yeah, so... yeah.

Steve: No, you're right. I mean, you're absolutely right that I wasn't there, yeah, 'cause I wasn't willing to, uh, just be governed by your particular schedule. You want to JET back in from another of your holidays-

Karl: Right, it wasn't a holiday.

Steve: At 8 o'clock.

Karl: Wasn't a holiday.

Steve: What? So what- you were out of town-

Ricky: What do you mean? Hold on. Whoa whoa. What do you mean it wasn't a holiday? What was it?

Karl: It was a- well, it was a treat, wasn't it? For me mam and dad. So, it wasn't a holiday.

Ricky: What? So, you didn't enjoy the five days off? You'd rather have been here moaning eight hours a day? Seven hours a day...

Steve: You see, we said last week that you're always whinging. Here you are whinging now.

Karl: I'm not moaning.

Ricky: And you're saying it's not even a holiday. You're saying it's not even a holiday. What was it then?

Karl: Alright, would, like, a nurse who takes sick children to Florida, would they say "having a great holiday"?

Ricky: Sorry. What- what- what particular ailment did your parents have for the week that they had to fly in Karl Pilkington M.D.?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What you talkin' about?

Karl: Well... alright it was a holiday.

Steve: Well then!

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Good. Now some honesty- now some truths almost.

Ricky: So you came in, you came back from your holiday- you wanted to start back to work straight away so you couldn't be bothered to meet. Is that what you're saying?

Karl: That's what I'm saying.

Ricky: So we've got nothing prepared for this.

Karl: Well, you can rely on Rockbusters.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Right that's coming up.

Steve: We've got nothing.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Uh, Monkey News.

Ricky: Even though you were away you were still working?

Karl: Still doing stuff.

Steve: Did you go to the monkey sanctuary?

Karl: I'll tell you about that later.

Steve: Tell us about it.

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Alright. Do you want... Smashing Pumpkins?

Steve: Smashing Pumpkins...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: ...I've got an old classic from them; Cherub Rock.

Ricky: Yup. Yup.

Song: Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock

Monkey Spotted Holidaying in Cornwall

Steve: Smashing Pumpkins. Cherub Rock. That of course, Rick, is available on their greatest hits.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: If you want...

Ricky: I mean that's- that's how I rock.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So I- I know- I know the uh- I'm very much the shape of a cherub as well.

Steve: Indeed. Indeed.

Ricky: Naked with a... couple of

Steve: Yeah. And a rosy big arse.

Ricky: And a tru- a trumpet.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Do they have trumpets?

Steve: I don't know. Um, I've just had an email here. Umm... Monkey News.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: From a listener. Monkey spotted holidaying in Cornwall.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Chimp... A chimp was spotted holidaying in Cornwall last week after befriending a family of three. One onlooker said, "it was incredible. He dressed and behaved exactly like a human being. He even settled the hotel bill at the end of their stay. The only telltale sign was his lack of table manners and the incoherent babble when he opened his mouth."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: There we are. So.

Ricky: Well what'd you think of that Karl?

Steve: That's the listeners, Karl. That's Joanne.

Ricky: Amusing. Articulate. Accurate. She remembered who- exactly who's there and everything. Settling the bill. It's all there. So I mean even though people think that you're slightly simian... you know, slightly less than human on the evolutionary ladder... they do listen to ya!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: So on the other- I don't know who's more stupid in the end. You or the listeners!

Steve: Well you may recall, Rick, the end of last week, when Karl had to shoot off early, uh, we issued a little request. For listeners just to bombard Karl's email with, umm, just pointless emails that really weren't about anything. Just to clog up his email for when he returned.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rick, they sent them all to us.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: I mean that's the kind of listeners that we've got. We've got reams here on our email, of just junk.

Ricky: I mean it's like a Marx brothers plot, isn't it.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: I mean just listen.

Karl: I- I-

Steve: Listen to what we say!

Karl: I got one, uhh, about a shaved cat. But that's not pointless; I'll be reading that later.

Steve: Loving it, yeah.

Ricky Chuckles

Ricky: "I'll be reading..."

Karl: I'm happy.

Steve: That'll keep me going for a couple of weeks.

Ricky: "I'll be reading that later."

Steve: Did you get to the monkey sanctuary? Cause this was the big thing. You were going down to Cornwall. You were gonna visit the monkey sanctuary. I've never seen someone more excited. You had two days put aside for the monkey sanctuary.

Karl: Hmm. I know.

Steve: How did it go? Monkey World.

Karl: Ummm... We were on our way, right. I found like a little, uh, in the little cottage that we had, right... it's like a little, uh, little folder. You know, with little leaflets.

Steve: Hmm.

Karl: You know with little leaflets in saying if you're... you know, if you're into mountains you wanna go here.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: If you're into castles and that...

Steve: Go to Castle World.

Karl: Uh, little monkey on the leaflet, right, so I thought I'll be needing that. Took that out. Made sure that's safe and that, right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: We get in the car. Getting ready to go. Ahhh, me dad says "where is it?" I look on the back. It's in a place called Looe, or something like that, right. So uh, we're on our way. Can't believe me luck. It's gonna be a great day and all that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then uh, start looking at the leaflet, right. And uh, noticed... didn't have any chimps there.

Ricky: Yeah, it's not- it's not Monkey World.

Karl: It wasn't a Monkey World.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Well how it- what- what was it called then?

Karl: Something like...

Ricky: Mo- Mon- Monkey Town.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Yeah it- [stammers] it had like woolly monkeys in it. That's- that's-

Steve: It had what?

Ricky: Woolly monkeys.

Steve: What are woolly monkeys?

Ricky: Those things... Johnny Vegas off the advert.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That's them. They're done now since ITV Digital went under.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So they just put them in a cage.

Steve: I don't underst-

Ricky: They're woolly- they're- they're like um... They're sort of like little fluffy, little baboon type things, woolly monkeys. I mean not- it's not your chimp.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: It's- it's- it's not your classic chimpanzee.

Steve: So did the car screech to a halt?

Karl: It was like...

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It was like the mission in Armageddon. I just said, "Abort!"

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Umm... we're on the way back.

Steve: So how far had you got before you bothered to read the leaflet?

Karl: Uhh, probably about five miles...

Steve: Right.

Karl: ...from where we were.

Steve: So what did you do with yourself? You must've been distraught!

Karl: We went to...

Ricky: Well, they broke down and then they heard banjo music.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky imitates banjo sounds

Karl: No we went to a, uh, sort of a- an, amusement place.

Steve: An arcade.

Ricky: I'd love to see you in that. What, with- putting those coins in so it has to roll down. And they go flat and then an arm pushes them...

Karl: It was one of them.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: But I've had worse-

Ricky: I spent years on that when I was little.

Karl: Well there's a new one. I can't be bothered explaining it. But it's a con. Uh…. we went to this place, right. Me mam and dad had been there before and said "you'll love it, It's brilliant. It's got like er... a war bit in it."

Steve: A war bit? Right.

Karl: Yeah like, because they know I'm into tanks and stuff.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Said, "you'll be loving that".

Ricky: S-Sorry I didn't know you were into tanks.

Steve: No.

Karl: Well... They're alright.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Brilliant. It's gone from one of his childhood passions to "eh, alright."

Ricky: I know, yeah. Come on.

Karl: And uh, but it was- it was- it was awful. I mean me mam and dad been there before and they said "no, you'll love it."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was like... really miserable day, right.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Uh, all the rides and that were broke.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Broke!

Steve: It just reminds me of Manchester.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Me dad just ended up, uh... He was more interested in- there was a really fat family there.

Steve: Well presumably he was breaking into the machines trying to scoop off the cash before he got caught.

Karl: No no-

Ricky: I like the fact that those poor fat family were going, "Why are those people looking at us?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Oh, do you want to ride one?"

Karl: No, but there were- there were-

Ricky: "We're not- we're not a ride!"

Karl: They were massive and they just, like... "look at that! Look at the state of that!" The whole family.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Just, you know, fat.

Steve: Bloaters, yeah.

Ricky: Alright. Calm down.

Karl: Uh, no but they- they- because fat is... no- no need for it, is there? And he- he was really like, "Oh, God." And then he wanted to follow them into the house of mirrors to see what they'd look like.

Ricky erupts in laughter

Karl: Uh, but me mam, me mam had got bored. She went off to buy a little Snow White figure. She couldn't believe her luck. It was only £2.99.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Thought is was gonna be really expensive, so she's got one of them.

Steve: Sure, she's a classy lady.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So she enjoyed that. And then me dad says, "Come on were going. It's rubbish, this."

Ricky: What, the fat family wouldn't let him play with them?

Karl: So uh, he just said on the way home, he said, "I can safely say that I never wanna go there again before I die."

Steve Laughs

Karl: So, that was that. And we went home...

Ricky: Why would he ever give you that information? In case it was like, a- a secret birthday present?

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: "Oh, God. What if they get me a trip to here?" Or if he's in a coma and you go, "I'll tell you what..."

Steve: "Dad?"

Ricky: "...I thought I'll bring him out of it."

Steve Laughs

Steve: "That fat couple!"

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: "By his bedside!"

Karl: But- but Suzanne said she now realizes why I am the way I am. After spending like a week with them. She says...

Steve: What they- they told- they told her that they dropped you on your head as a kid, or...?

Karl: No just- just like, you know, the way they act and that.

Steve: Right, yeah.

Karl: Uh...

Ricky: So they never say anything like, "Suzanne, so uh, why is the moon out at night and the sun in the day..."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh, God!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, God, there's three of them!

Steve: "Suzanne, can you tie my shoelaces again?"

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: It was the bit when me dad said, "Don't waste money on a coffin for him just put him in a bin bag."

Ricky and Steve erupt in laughter

Steve: Your father said that?! About himself?

Karl: Yup.

Steve: Well it's a great idea! I'm glad you mentioned that 'cause...

Ricky: That is great.

Steve: ...that gives me an idea.

Song: Coldplay - God Put a Smile on Your Face