22 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 22 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Bruce Willis on the Telly

Ricky: Bob Dylan. “The Times They Are a-Changin’” on X--

Steve: The thing is, Rick. Thing is, Rick, it makes me wonder if, uh, the times- are they changing? I mean, it seems to me that life’s pretty much the same as it was way back in the sixties when Bob Dylan wrote that song.

Ricky: Got any idea what you’re talking about?

Steve: No idea whatsoever, Rick.

Ricky: You don’t really know about politics, do ya?

Steve: Nope, know anything about it. Don’t even read the papers, got no-no interest, really.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Not particularly informed, my life’s cushty. Uh, won some awards and stuff, didn’t bother me. So, um--

Ricky: On a serious note, though, it is a bit worrying.

Steve: What?

Ricky: Do I have to get gas masks or summat?

Steve: No, because there are guys out there in Leicester Square today wearing novelty hats.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: If they don’t sort this war out--

Ricky: Oh worries.

Steve: Then no one can.

Ricky: Okay. Well, I’m not gonna talk about it anymore.

Karl: You see, you see, you-you would worry about it.

Ricky: I would worry about it?

Karl: Well, you. Maybe Steve.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Sort of people who-who are successful are worrying about it more than other people. Just cause--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Well, they’ve got more to lose, haven’t they?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Right.

Karl: No, d’you know what I mean? You see, like, Bruce Willis on the telly saying, “Oh.”

Ricky laughs

Karl: “It’s not good, is it?” And it’s because he’s got a big house and loads of cars. If you live, you know, on a council estate it’s like, “Well… if it gets bombed, probably doing us all a favour. We’ll get nice, new blocks of flats to live in an’ that.” It happened with Manchester! With the, with the bomb that happened and they bombed the Arndale Centre. Did us a favour. Got a nice, new Marks & Spencers an’ that.

Ricky: So this- hold on. This puts a whole new twist on the argument when people say bombing the world’s poorest countries is wrong. Cause I remember when the Afghan problem was on, people were saying, “Bombing the world’s poorest country’s wrong,” but-but it’s like home improvement, according to you then.

Steve: Yeah. Cause they’ve got a brand new B & Q, have they, over now?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: They’re popping down there every Sunday.

Karl: Anyway. Let’s not go on about it, cause--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, think what you’re saying.

Karl: Yeah, I know.

Steve: “My family was killed, but look! A Carpet Warehouse!”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’you know, I-I-I think, you know, people don’t want to hear about this today from us. They want to hear, you know, the new features, the "Songs of Phrase."

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Woah. What’s "Songs of Phrase?"

Karl: It’s the feature we started last week--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Where we, where we take clips of songs, we make up a phrase from the show.

Ricky: I mean, a famous phrase. Last-last week’s world famous phrase was “There’s this hairy Chinese kid.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You’ll remember.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Well, it was, it was called "Crosswords" last week, but Phil e-mailed in a good suggestion.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Said, “Call it 'Songs of Phrase.'”

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: "Songs of Phrase." "Songs of Phrase." Per-perfect.

Karl: So we’ll lose that.

Ricky: Have we got- are we still going with “Cheap as Chimps?”

Karl: Uh--

Steve: We’re persevering with that, are we?

Karl: Got-got some "Cheap as Chimps" lined up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: We’ll be doing that before three o’clock.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Great!

Karl: Again, who else can say that?

Steve chuckles

Steve: So, good. So for the next two hours everyone should just bury their head in the sand, ignore the world’s problems and, uh, enjoy Ch- features such as "Cheap as Chimps"--

Ricky laughs

Steve: And--

Ricky and Steve: "Songs of Phrase."

Karl: And a bit of Turin Brakes.

Steve: Aw, class.

Ricky: Oh!

Song: Turin Brakes- Pain Killer

So We're Not Doing It?

Ricky: Trying to stop suddenly in Italy. T.B. Turin Brakes. It’s like a “Rockbuster,” Karl.

Karl: They were the good ol’ days.

Ricky: I know. Yeah. “Pain Killer” on XFM 104.9. But look; “Rockbusters” is gone. Forget “Rockbusters.” Long live “Songs of Phrase.” Over to you Karl.

Karl: Alright, well--

Steve: You know “Rockbusters” was one of the things they were protesting about next- last time.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: That-that was one of- I just had to listen to them. They just kept stopping me in the street as I was trying to get to the tube. “You’ve got to stop ‘Rockbusters.’ It’s run out of steam,” they said and I’m glad.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s why they always do it on a Saturday.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

Karl: They make their way to Leicester Square for three o’ clock.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Yeah. Right.

Karl: Uh, “Songs of Phrase.” Uh, what it is--

Steve: “Songs of Phrase!”

Karl: We take a phrase from the show. Last week it was, “There’s this hairy Chinese kid.” Alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Today we’re going back to the good old line of, uh, that you never see an old man eating a Twix.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: How long is that?

Karl: No. “You’ll never see an old man eating a Twix.”

Ricky: You’ll. Never. See. An. Old. Man. Eating. A. Twix.

Karl: It’s not as many as you think, though. It’s not that many.

Ricky: Well, how-how is it not that many!?

Karl: Well, first of all, anyway, don’t worry about that. I think there’s about five, I think. Hang on a minute.

Ricky: (sighing) Oh, God. Why do we leave him alone to do this, Steve?

Steve: I don’t understand.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? He alway- it’s like- I tell you what, we were flying then--

Karl: There’s six, six different songs.

Ricky: Six different songs!

Steve: That’s a lot to get, Karl.

Karl: But what happened is, I couldn’t find a song with “Twix,” so we’ve changed the chocolate.

Ricky: Oh, this is rubbish!

Steve laughs

Ricky: We’re not doing it. We’re not doing it. No, I mean, you’ve got to be punished. We’re not doing this. Do a--

Karl: No, you’ll like it!

Ricky: No, no, no. No, shut up, Karl. No. I-

Steve: Well--

Ricky: No, no, no, no! We’re not doing it.

Steve: He’s put a lot of effort in.

Ricky: So what?

Steve: You’re right.

Ricky: He’s got to do it right. He’s got to do it right. There’s too many, we’ve said too many. It’s not- he’s changed the thing. It’s not a one-off phrase. It’s ridiculous! It’s pointless.

Steve: Rick, if only his parents had spoken like that to him sometime in the past--

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: We wouldn’t be in this discussion now.

Ricky: Right, you’re not doing it.

Karl: Aw, come on.

Ricky: No! We’re not doing it. Steve, what have you- uh, what’d you think?

Steve: I’ll tell you, we’ve got the prizes--

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: But I’m not even going to bother giving- I’m not even going to bother. I-I think we’ll just share them out amongst, um--

Ricky: Right, um--

Steve: Homeless.

Ricky: Absolutely. N-no. There’s-there’s troubles in the world and I’m not going to let you faff around doing nonsense like that.

Karl: No, but--

Ricky: It’s ridiculous!

Karl: Let’s-let’s do it for this week.

Ricky: No, let’s play a beautiful song. What do you think, uh--

Steve: I’d love to hear a great song.

Ricky: Yeah, “The Times They Are a-Changin.‘” We’ve said that. Um, “Look--

Steve: Rick, I know you’re--

Ricky: “at mother nature on the run. Look at mother nature on the run,” Steve!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Play it.

Karl: So we’re not doing--

Ricky: No!

Steve: It’s your own fault.

Song: After the Gold Rush- Neil Young

Mars Bah Bah Bah

Ricky: Neil Young.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: “After the Gold Rush.” One of the most beautiful, poignant songs ever, I think.

Steve: Great lyrics and that. “Look at mother nature on the run in the nineteen seventies.” I- forget the nineteen seventies, Rick. I’m beginning to wonder if, uh, that’s just as truthful nowadays in, uh--

Ricky: Right--

Steve: In the year two thousand and three.

Ricky: I’ve told you before; you’ve got no idea. You don’t know anything about the world or politics so I don’t know why you persist.

Steve: I don’t know why I keep saying it, meself, Rick. I’m a political incompetent. I don’t know why I keep spouting on with this drivel.

Ricky: Right, it’s--

Steve: It’s “The Guardian,” I think, that’s doing it to me.

Ricky and Steve quietly laugh

Steve: It’s all second-hand information. I just read it in there and I--

Ricky: So it’s a good idea to keep--

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: You don’t really care, do you, about anything in the world, really, as long as it doesn’t affect you?

Steve: No, I’m got- I haven’t- exactly!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Unless I’m personally affected by these things, I don’t care less!

Ricky: Well, I’m the same. Now, Karl. The big question, as we know, at the moment, is whether we’re going to let you do “Songs of Phrase” or not.

Steve: Rick, I should tell you now there has been a flood of- oh, no there hasn’t.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sorry, I was, I was thinking there had been a flood of e-mails, but it was people agreeing with you, Rick.

Ricky: I know, I know Tony Blair has been trying to get through.

Steve: (laughing) Yeah, exactly.

Steve: Um, I’m just checking the e-mails now. There’s-there’s absolutely nothing supporting you, Karl.

Ricky: So, no one gives a sod either way about that.

Steve: No, well that’s not fair. There were a couple of phone calls, weren’t there? One was a guy saying you should. I think the other one was you, Karl, was it? Phoning from the kitchen?

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: Can we do it? Can we do it, right?

Ricky: Uh, no!

Karl: If you don’t like it, we won’t do it next week, but--

Ricky: But-but--

Karl: I’ve made it.

Ricky: I don’t know what- I don’t know why you did that. I- we had thought of lots of stuff for you could do. You chose one where you have to have ten words and six songs to choose. You haven’t got “Twix.” I don’t know what you’ve substituted “Twix” for.

Steve: Okay, I ne- I-I’ve got to say now, I’m gonna sit on the fence here. I’m quite intrigued.

Ricky: Okay, right. Wha-what--

Steve: To hear it.

Ricky: What have you substituted “Twix” for?

Karl: Well, you- I can’t tell ya!

Steve: We’ll hear.

Ricky: Course you can!

Karl: No, I can’t because people have to listen to it and work out--

Steve: Alright, let’s just hear it.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Let’s hear it--

Ricky: No, no, no, no, no. They ha- they know what- they have to know what the word is. They have to tell what the song is or the, or the artist.

Karl: I prefer just to play it.

Ricky: No! You’ve got to tell ‘em what it is cause they might not even know what word they’re looking for!

Steve: I think we should just- let’s just- let’s hear him out, Rick. Please. Democracy! That’s what we’re fighting for!

Ricky giggles

Steve: Come on!

Karl: Right, you turn them up.

Ricky: Right. Okay, I’ve got me headphones on. Go on then!

Karl: Alright.

Steve: Okay, so, right. Hang on. The phrase, originally, was--

Karl: Is, uh, “You never see an old man eating a Twix.”

Steve: Right and we’re trying to identify the- well, a number of songs, which you’ve used to make up that phrase.

Karl: And you e-mail in, XFM.co.uk/Ricky, with as many as you can get and whoever gets the most right--

Ricky: It’s so complicated.

Steve: It is complicated.

Karl: It’s not!

Ricky: So complicated.

Karl: Alright, here we go. Here we go.

Steve: I’m baffled by the e-mail address! I couldn’t figure that out.

Ricky: What’s the e-mail address again?

Karl: XFM.co.uk/Ricky.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: And there’s some link on there, is there, that--

Karl: Yeah, that you just press and it comes through.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Alright, here we go and then, right?

And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a. Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.

Ricky laughs

Steve: What? I missed a little bit at the end.

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: Let’s here it again, let’s here it again.

Ricky: “Mars bah bah bah.”

Steve: Let’s hear it again.

Ricky: Oh!

And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a. Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Oh, God! Okay. Say the prizes, Steve.

Steve: Right, so how many songs were there? Do we know?

Karl: Uh, I think it was six.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: You think there was six?

Ricky: (singing) “And you’ll never. See. An old man. Eat-” Oh. F-oh, it might be five.

Steve: Five or six.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway! Why not e-mail in the answers and how many there were and, uh, you might be in with a chance of winning on DVD the original series of “Citizen Smith” with Robert Lindsay. That was good. Uh, Paul Whitehouse’s, uh, “Happiness.” The first series of that on DVD. We’ve also got couple of CDs here. “The Best of Britpop: Live.” “Live Forever,” Oasis, Blur, Radiohead and all the rest of them on there.

Ricky: That’s alright.

Steve: Supergrass’s, uh, current album as well.

Ricky: That’s alright.

Steve: I think it’s their current album. Yeah, it is. And, um--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Less convinced by this one. If I tell you that some of the artists include Del Amitri--

Ricky giggles

Steve: And, uh, Deacon Blue then I know you’ll be rushing out later, Rick, to buy this. “Scotland Rocks!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: A compilation of--

Ricky: Is Wet Wet Wet on there?

Steve: Uh, let’s see--

Ricky: What about Bis? What happened to Bis?

Steve: Let me see. I’m not going- I’ll tell ya, it doesn’t- I mean, we’ve got Gun on there.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Steve: We’ve got--

Ricky: (singing) “Oh, baby lately.”

Steve: Uh, Aztec Camera.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Big Country, obviously.

Ricky: Eh, Proclaimer’s not on there?

Steve: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute, where’s Runrig? There they are. There they are and, uh, obviously Rafferty, “Baker Street.” (singing) Do do do, doodle loodle doo.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: So that’s-that’s definitely worth, um, entering for, surely.

Karl: So, XFM.co.uk/Ricky. It- play it one more time.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Just-just- alright.

And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a. Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.

Ricky giggles

Steve: Class. Pure class. Well done.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Okay?

Ricky: Yeah. Okay, play a record.

Song: Athlete- El Salvador