22 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 22 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Bruce Willis on the Telly

Ricky: Bob Dylan. “The Times They Are a-Changin’” on X--

Steve: The thing is, Rick. Thing is, Rick, it makes me wonder if, uh, the times- are they changing? I mean, it seems to me that life’s pretty much the same as it was way back in the sixties when Bob Dylan wrote that song.

Ricky: Got any idea what you’re talking about?

Steve: No idea whatsoever, Rick.

Ricky: You don’t really know about politics, do ya?

Steve: Nope, know anything about it. Don’t even read the papers, got no-no interest, really.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Not particularly informed, my life’s cushty. Uh, won some awards and stuff, didn’t bother me. So, um--

Ricky: On a serious note, though, it is a bit worrying.

Steve: What?

Ricky: Do I have to get gas masks or summat?

Steve: No, because there are guys out there in Leicester Square today wearing novelty hats.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: If they don’t sort this war out--

Ricky: Oh worries.

Steve: Then no one can.

Ricky: Okay. Well, I’m not gonna talk about it anymore.

Karl: You see, you see, you-you would worry about it.

Ricky: I would worry about it?

Karl: Well, you. Maybe Steve.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Sort of people who-who are successful are worrying about it more than other people. Just cause--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Well, they’ve got more to lose, haven’t they?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Right.

Karl: No, d’you know what I mean? You see, like, Bruce Willis on the telly saying, “Oh.”

Ricky laughs

Karl: “It’s not good, is it?” And it’s because he’s got a big house and loads of cars. If you live, you know, on a council estate it’s like, “Well… if it gets bombed, probably doing us all a favour. We’ll get nice, new blocks of flats to live in an’ that.” It happened with Manchester! With the, with the bomb that happened and they bombed the Arndale Centre. Did us a favour. Got a nice, new Marks & Spencers an’ that.

Ricky: So this- hold on. This puts a whole new twist on the argument when people say bombing the world’s poorest countries is wrong. Cause I remember when the Afghan problem was on, people were saying, “Bombing the world’s poorest country’s wrong,” but-but it’s like home improvement, according to you then.

Steve: Yeah. Cause they’ve got a brand new B & Q, have they, over now?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: They’re popping down there every Sunday.

Karl: Anyway. Let’s not go on about it, cause--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, think what you’re saying.

Karl: Yeah, I know.

Steve: “My family was killed, but look! A Carpet Warehouse!”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’you know, I-I-I think, you know, people don’t want to hear about this today from us. They want to hear, you know, the new features, the "Songs of Phrase."

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Woah. What’s "Songs of Phrase?"

Karl: It’s the feature we started last week--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Where we, where we take clips of songs, we make up a phrase from the show.

Ricky: I mean, a famous phrase. Last-last week’s world famous phrase was “There’s this hairy Chinese kid.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You’ll remember.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Well, it was, it was called "Crosswords" last week, but Phil e-mailed in a good suggestion.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Said, “Call it 'Songs of Phrase.'”

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: "Songs of Phrase." "Songs of Phrase." Per-perfect.

Karl: So we’ll lose that.

Ricky: Have we got- are we still going with “Cheap as Chimps?”

Karl: Uh--

Steve: We’re persevering with that, are we?

Karl: Got-got some "Cheap as Chimps" lined up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: We’ll be doing that before three o’clock.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Great!

Karl: Again, who else can say that?

Steve chuckles

Steve: So, good. So for the next two hours everyone should just bury their head in the sand, ignore the world’s problems and, uh, enjoy Ch- features such as "Cheap as Chimps"--

Ricky laughs

Steve: And--

Ricky and Steve: "Songs of Phrase."

Karl: And a bit of Turin Brakes.

Steve: Aw, class.

Ricky: Oh!

Song: Turin Brakes- Pain Killer

So We're Not Doing It?

Ricky: Trying to stop suddenly in Italy. T.B. Turin Brakes. It’s like a “Rockbuster,” Karl.

Karl: They were the good ol’ days.

Ricky: I know. Yeah. “Pain Killer” on XFM 104.9. But look; “Rockbusters” is gone. Forget “Rockbusters.” Long live “Songs of Phrase.” Over to you Karl.

Karl: Alright, well--

Steve: You know “Rockbusters” was one of the things they were protesting about next- last time.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: That-that was one of- I just had to listen to them. They just kept stopping me in the street as I was trying to get to the tube. “You’ve got to stop ‘Rockbusters.’ It’s run out of steam,” they said and I’m glad.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s why they always do it on a Saturday.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

Karl: They make their way to Leicester Square for three o’ clock.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Yeah. Right.

Karl: Uh, “Songs of Phrase.” Uh, what it is--

Steve: “Songs of Phrase!”

Karl: We take a phrase from the show. Last week it was, “There’s this hairy Chinese kid.” Alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Today we’re going back to the good old line of, uh, that you never see an old man eating a Twix.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: How long is that?

Karl: No. “You’ll never see an old man eating a Twix.”

Ricky: You’ll. Never. See. An. Old. Man. Eating. A. Twix.

Karl: It’s not as many as you think, though. It’s not that many.

Ricky: Well, how-how is it not that many!?

Karl: Well, first of all, anyway, don’t worry about that. I think there’s about five, I think. Hang on a minute.

Ricky: (sighing) Oh, God. Why do we leave him alone to do this, Steve?

Steve: I don’t understand.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? He alway- it’s like- I tell you what, we were flying then--

Karl: There’s six, six different songs.

Ricky: Six different songs!

Steve: That’s a lot to get, Karl.

Karl: But what happened is, I couldn’t find a song with “Twix,” so we’ve changed the chocolate.

Ricky: Oh, this is rubbish!

Steve laughs

Ricky: We’re not doing it. We’re not doing it. No, I mean, you’ve got to be punished. We’re not doing this. Do a--

Karl: No, you’ll like it!

Ricky: No, no, no. No, shut up, Karl. No. I-

Steve: Well--

Ricky: No, no, no, no! We’re not doing it.

Steve: He’s put a lot of effort in.

Ricky: So what?

Steve: You’re right.

Ricky: He’s got to do it right. He’s got to do it right. There’s too many, we’ve said too many. It’s not- he’s changed the thing. It’s not a one-off phrase. It’s ridiculous! It’s pointless.

Steve: Rick, if only his parents had spoken like that to him sometime in the past--

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: We wouldn’t be in this discussion now.

Ricky: Right, you’re not doing it.

Karl: Aw, come on.

Ricky: No! We’re not doing it. Steve, what have you- uh, what’d you think?

Steve: I’ll tell you, we’ve got the prizes--

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: But I’m not even going to bother giving- I’m not even going to bother. I-I think we’ll just share them out amongst, um--

Ricky: Right, um--

Steve: Homeless.

Ricky: Absolutely. N-no. There’s-there’s troubles in the world and I’m not going to let you faff around doing nonsense like that.

Karl: No, but--

Ricky: It’s ridiculous!

Karl: Let’s-let’s do it for this week.

Ricky: No, let’s play a beautiful song. What do you think, uh--

Steve: I’d love to hear a great song.

Ricky: Yeah, “The Times They Are a-Changin.‘” We’ve said that. Um, “Look--

Steve: Rick, I know you’re--

Ricky: “at mother nature on the run. Look at mother nature on the run,” Steve!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Play it.

Karl: So we’re not doing--

Ricky: No!

Steve: It’s your own fault.

Song: After the Gold Rush- Neil Young

Mars Bah Bah Bah

Ricky: Neil Young.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: “After the Gold Rush.” One of the most beautiful, poignant songs ever, I think.

Steve: Great lyrics and that. “Look at mother nature on the run in the nineteen seventies.” I- forget the nineteen seventies, Rick. I’m beginning to wonder if, uh, that’s just as truthful nowadays in, uh--

Ricky: Right--

Steve: In the year two thousand and three.

Ricky: I’ve told you before; you’ve got no idea. You don’t know anything about the world or politics so I don’t know why you persist.

Steve: I don’t know why I keep saying it, meself, Rick. I’m a political incompetent. I don’t know why I keep spouting on with this drivel.

Ricky: Right, it’s--

Steve: It’s “The Guardian,” I think, that’s doing it to me.

Ricky and Steve quietly laugh

Steve: It’s all second-hand information. I just read it in there and I--

Ricky: So it’s a good idea to keep--

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: You don’t really care, do you, about anything in the world, really, as long as it doesn’t affect you?

Steve: No, I’m got- I haven’t- exactly!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Unless I’m personally affected by these things, I don’t care less!

Ricky: Well, I’m the same. Now, Karl. The big question, as we know, at the moment, is whether we’re going to let you do “Songs of Phrase” or not.

Steve: Rick, I should tell you now there has been a flood of- oh, no there hasn’t.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sorry, I was, I was thinking there had been a flood of e-mails, but it was people agreeing with you, Rick.

Ricky: I know, I know Tony Blair has been trying to get through.

Steve: (laughing) Yeah, exactly.

Steve: Um, I’m just checking the e-mails now. There’s-there’s absolutely nothing supporting you, Karl.

Ricky: So, no one gives a sod either way about that.

Steve: No, well that’s not fair. There were a couple of phone calls, weren’t there? One was a guy saying you should. I think the other one was you, Karl, was it? Phoning from the kitchen?

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: Can we do it? Can we do it, right?

Ricky: Uh, no!

Karl: If you don’t like it, we won’t do it next week, but--

Ricky: But-but--

Karl: I’ve made it.

Ricky: I don’t know what- I don’t know why you did that. I- we had thought of lots of stuff for you could do. You chose one where you have to have ten words and six songs to choose. You haven’t got “Twix.” I don’t know what you’ve substituted “Twix” for.

Steve: Okay, I ne- I-I’ve got to say now, I’m gonna sit on the fence here. I’m quite intrigued.

Ricky: Okay, right. Wha-what--

Steve: To hear it.

Ricky: What have you substituted “Twix” for?

Karl: Well, you- I can’t tell ya!

Steve: We’ll hear.

Ricky: Course you can!

Karl: No, I can’t because people have to listen to it and work out--

Steve: Alright, let’s just hear it.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Let’s hear it--

Ricky: No, no, no, no, no. They ha- they know what- they have to know what the word is. They have to tell what the song is or the, or the artist.

Karl: I prefer just to play it.

Ricky: No! You’ve got to tell ‘em what it is cause they might not even know what word they’re looking for!

Steve: I think we should just- let’s just- let’s hear him out, Rick. Please. Democracy! That’s what we’re fighting for!

Ricky giggles

Steve: Come on!

Karl: Right, you turn them up.

Ricky: Right. Okay, I’ve got me headphones on. Go on then!

Karl: Alright.

Steve: Okay, so, right. Hang on. The phrase, originally, was--

Karl: Is, uh, “You never see an old man eating a Twix.”

Steve: Right and we’re trying to identify the- well, a number of songs, which you’ve used to make up that phrase.

Karl: And you e-mail in, XFM.co.uk/Ricky, with as many as you can get and whoever gets the most right--

Ricky: It’s so complicated.

Steve: It is complicated.

Karl: It’s not!

Ricky: So complicated.

Karl: Alright, here we go. Here we go.

Steve: I’m baffled by the e-mail address! I couldn’t figure that out.

Ricky: What’s the e-mail address again?

Karl: XFM.co.uk/Ricky.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: And there’s some link on there, is there, that--

Karl: Yeah, that you just press and it comes through.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Alright, here we go and then, right?

And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a. Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.

Ricky laughs

Steve: What? I missed a little bit at the end.

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: Let’s here it again, let’s here it again.

Ricky: “Mars bah bah bah.”

Steve: Let’s hear it again.

Ricky: Oh!

And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a. Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Oh, God! Okay. Say the prizes, Steve.

Steve: Right, so how many songs were there? Do we know?

Karl: Uh, I think it was six.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: You think there was six?

Ricky: (singing) “And you’ll never. See. An old man. Eat-” Oh. F-oh, it might be five.

Steve: Five or six.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway! Why not e-mail in the answers and how many there were and, uh, you might be in with a chance of winning on DVD the original series of “Citizen Smith” with Robert Lindsay. That was good. Uh, Paul Whitehouse’s, uh, “Happiness.” The first series of that on DVD. We’ve also got couple of CDs here. “The Best of Britpop: Live.” “Live Forever,” Oasis, Blur, Radiohead and all the rest of them on there.

Ricky: That’s alright.

Steve: Supergrass’s, uh, current album as well.

Ricky: That’s alright.

Steve: I think it’s their current album. Yeah, it is. And, um--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Less convinced by this one. If I tell you that some of the artists include Del Amitri--

Ricky giggles

Steve: And, uh, Deacon Blue then I know you’ll be rushing out later, Rick, to buy this. “Scotland Rocks!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: A compilation of--

Ricky: Is Wet Wet Wet on there?

Steve: Uh, let’s see--

Ricky: What about Bis? What happened to Bis?

Steve: Let me see. I’m not going- I’ll tell ya, it doesn’t- I mean, we’ve got Gun on there.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Steve: We’ve got--

Ricky: (singing) “Oh, baby lately.”

Steve: Uh, Aztec Camera.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Big Country, obviously.

Ricky: Eh, Proclaimer’s not on there?

Steve: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute, where’s Runrig? There they are. There they are and, uh, obviously Rafferty, “Baker Street.” (singing) Do do do, doodle loodle doo.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: So that’s-that’s definitely worth, um, entering for, surely.

Karl: So, XFM.co.uk/Ricky. It- play it one more time.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Just-just- alright.

And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a. Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.

Ricky giggles

Steve: Class. Pure class. Well done.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Okay?

Ricky: Yeah. Okay, play a record.

Song: Athlete- El Salvador

Freaks

Ricky: Oasis, “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl’s, uh, competition is in full swing now. I just want to remind you when playing “Songs of Phrase” and trying to guess the, uh, the songs and artists- what do you want, songs or artists?

Karl: I think songs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: But tha-that’s ambiguous, isn’t it, what a song title is, where--

Steve: Yeah, I think it should be the artists, definitely.

Ricky: Maybe the artist that cleans it up really- yeah?

Steve: Yeah. Artists.

Ricky: Should we do artists?

Steve: Artists.

Ricky: Okay, you know- if they know what it is cause tha-that’ll stop any ambiguity, won’t it? Um, and, uh, don’t worry if you haven’t got all of them because the winner last week didn’t have all of them, but it’s the-the closest one. I understand when you’re trying to guess what’s in Karl’s mind, you can only get so close.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? He’s-he wants us to bring in Derren Brown. He go, “Cause he won’t be able to read me mind.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I think he’s right.

Steve: I think he might be.

Ricky: I think he’s the one person that could outwit Derren Brown.

Steve: Mm. Yeah.

Ricky: Um, now, uh, moving on, Karl. If we have to.

Steve: Well, should we just play it very quickly, uh, just play again--

Ricky: Go on, then. One more time. Here it is, “Songs of Phrase.”

And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a. Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.

Ricky: Cause-cause- because you have to get, you know- it is very difficult, so, you know, song or artist. We-we’ll give points if you’re, if you’re close to any of those and, uh, we’ll choose a winner, so, uh, you know, do--

Steve: And what do points mean? Crap prizes!

Ricky: XFM.co.--

Karl: XFM.co.uk--

Ricky and Karl: Slash Ricky.

Ricky: Right. Now. We’ve got people to send in, uh, a little thing of you last week, didn’t we? The film “Freaks.”

Steve: You got a treat.

Ricky: You got a few, you got a few sent in. You watched it, did ya?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Now I should just point out that the film “Freaks,” uh, for those that don’t know was a movie that was released in, I think, the- well, actually, it was del- it was originally made in about 1932, something like that, and then it was--

Ricky: Banned for about fifty years!

Steve: For many- for many, many years because it did, in actual fact, feature, for want of a better phrase, real life freaks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, bearded ladies being one of the more, kind of, familiar ones.

Ricky: Guy with no arms and legs.

Steve: There’s all sorts and, uh, it was actually quite a- it’s quite a tender film, isn’t it, and actually portrays them as a kind of dysfunctional family. It’s not, it’s not exploitative in that sense, but, uh, what do you make of it, Karl?

Ricky: Well, you were watching it for the freaks, weren’t ya?

Steve: Ha!

Karl: Yeah. I mean, I wish- it does take a while to get on to it. Where-

Steve: What do you mean?

Karl: Well, straight-away I was disappointed, right? Cause at the start, like, you put it in. It’s like, “Oh, brilliant. Here we go.” You know, I said to Suzanne, “We’ll watch this. We’ll have a good night.”

Steve: Yeah. Have a romantic night.

Ricky: (laughing) Was it her birthday?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “You’ve got your gloves, now we’re going to watch some freaks.”

Karl: So, uh, put it on and it starts off and it’s like, you know, “The following film.” You think, “Ooh.” Like, “The following film is rated fifteen,” which means, you know, might contain scenes of violence, bad language and sex.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Mentioned nothing about pinheads!

Steve: Right.

Ricky laughs

Karl: So I thought they missed a trick there.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: Alright? So I thought, “Well, let’s-let‘s--”

Ricky: Ohh.

Karl: “Let’s go ahead and watch--”

Steve: And what exactly is a pinhead?

Karl: Ohh. If you’ve seen it, you’d know.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Right? So, uh, not the best thing in it, either. So imagine that.

Steve: Okay, so you’re watching it…

Karl: So, sat there. I think, “Alright.” Then something comes on and-and the little fellas on there, the little fella we were talking about, The Pillow Man--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Is he the best thing in it?

Steve: Now what’s The Pillow Man, again?

Karl: He’s a fella who, years ago, uh- he’s got no arms and legs.

Steve: Right. He’s just a torso.

Karl: Just rolls- yeah. And, uh, there’s a scene where you see him, sort of, rolling a cigarette up just using his mouth--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And it’s like he likes it an’ stuff. That-that’s weird. And then, uh, what else is on it?

Ricky: Smoking stunts your growth.

Karl: And then there’s a, there’s a little-little fella on it who- he’s fed up because he looks five, but he’s actually thirty-four.

Steve: (chuckling) Right.

Karl: Right? But there’s a woman--

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: Who is forty-two and looked eight. So they both have the opposite thing, they were both really fed up and I kind of thought that shows that, you know, you always want what someone else has got.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Do y’know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So, in a way, there’s a story there--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: In that.

Ricky: No, you- they- you just described the same, there.

Karl: No, no, no. No, it was like--

Ricky: No, they both- you-you’ve just said they-they both looked young, but they were actually both older.

Karl: No, no, no. This was like a little man--

Ricky: Yeah. Who was thirty-five.

Karl: Who was thir-thirty-five.

Ricky: And looked eight.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And so did she.

Karl: No, well the other way around, then.

Ricky: What? So she was an eight-year old that looked thirty-five?

Karl: Yeah. Oh, maybe not, then.

Steve: Anyway!

Ricky: No!

Karl: But that-that wasn’t that weird. I kind of thought it's a slow start an' that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And then, uh--

Ricky: It’s not, it’s not a difficult film to follow.

Steve: No.

Karl: Yeah, but I wasn’t really listening to what it’s all about. I was just looking at what they had and they had, like, a fella who’s running about just--

Ricky: He act like he was shopping!

Steve quietly chuckles

Karl: You know. Uh, they had a fella with no legs and he’s running about on his hands.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And sort of got about on a skateboard. Talking to someone about it. They said that’s how “E.T.” was done. There’s actually a-a little fella in “E.T.--”

Steve: Right.

Karl: Who’s just half of, um, sort of half a body.

Ricky: Is that true?

Steve: I have no idea. I’ve never heard that before.

Ricky: Why haven’t we heard that before?

Steve: I’ve never heard that before.

Ricky: I don’t think he would fit in E.T. Cause he’s got- cause where’s the head? He’s got no neck, E.T. It’s a skinny little thing. A human neck couldn’t fit in that skinny little neck.

Karl: Well.

Ricky: Well!

Steve: Are you sure it wasn’t Kenny Baker up to his old tricks?

Ricky: What are you talking about, Karl? There’s a fella with no legs in “E.T.?”

Karl: In “E.T.,” they had two-two fellas, right? I think they had a little, um, a midget fella.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Who did it and then I think he was off sick and they were like, “Ooh.” You know, “What else are we gonna, just--”

Ricky: You make- the-the- I--

Steve: So-so a guy’s on a skateboard going by…

Karl: And said, “Do you fancy some work?”

Steve: (chuckling) Right.

Karl: And he’s done it. I think- someone told me. I mean, it might be wrong.

Ricky: Exactly!

Karl: Might be wrong.

Ricky: He might be, mightn’t be! I mean, you’ve never been wrong before so I don’t know why you’d be wrong there. So what’s the worst thing in it?

Steve: Now, it’s intriguing to me because here’s a film called “Freaks” featuring real-life freaks and you’re sort of a bit nonplussed by it.

Karl: Just cause it wasn’t- because it’s built up- if you call a video “Freaks,” you’ve got to make sure that there’s some good stuff on there.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What were you disappointed about? Was it that--

Karl: Because there was a few things on it, right? There was a woman who said she was half man, half woman and it’s like, you’re not, are ya? It was just like she had some makeup on. I thought, “Well, that’s rubbish.” And then there was a woman who could eat using her feet. That isn’t that freaky, d’you know what I mean? If she’s not hungry, she looks normal.

Steve: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Karl: And that’s when I was thinking- I mean, I’m not being, not being- right, Steve. You know I’m not being funny.

Steve: Oh, here we go.

Karl: No, no, no, but I’m-I’m just saying…if that woman wasn’t eating and you were sat next to her--

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: In that film.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I’d probably be, sort of, drawn to you more than her.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: I’m not…I-I know you hate me saying it, but there’s no point, sort of, pretending.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Oi! Muttley! What you- what are you sniggering about?

Ricky: (laughing) The fact that he’s…what, you mean that there pe- ther are things in it that were less- what are you saying?

Karl: I’m just saying--

Steve: Play a record. Seriously, I’ll slap you. I’m going to slap you live on air.

Karl: Yeah, but you always get--

Steve: I’m going to- right, I’m slapping you live on air, I swear to God.

Karl: Alright, play a song, then.

Ricky: Just play a song.

Karl: I’ll play the song.

Steve: Keep the fader up!

Song: Bruce Springsteen- Atlantic City fades in as Steve as Karl argue

Slapping sound

Ricky: Oh! Oh ho ho!

Boo! Not Freakish Enough!

Steve: Bruce Springsteen, “Atlantic City” from the album “Nebraska.”

Ricky: It’s so melancholy, that one. I love that one.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Well. Um, so “Freaks,” then. All in all, not-not as, not as amazing as you first hoped.

Karl: It was, it was built up too much. Do y’know what I mean?

Ricky: Really?

Karl: It’s like--

Ricky: Is that my fault for getting you excited? I just can’t believe that I hand you this thing on a plate…

Karl: I don’t know. And I’m not, I’m not being out of order, Steve, I'm just--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: I’m just being honest.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: We’ve always said that about this show.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: We only talk about stuff, you know--

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: That, you know, being honest an’ that.

Steve: Yeah, no, sure.

Karl: And I’ve-I’ve always said the first time I saw ya--

Steve: Sure, no, no. You’ve always been honest and I’ve always been honest with you. I’ve always said that, you know, you’ve got the, uh, you’ve got the intelligence and insight of a gnat.

Karl: Yeah, but if I, if I keep quiet, people don’t know that.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: (laughing) Alright! Don’t get--

Steve: Incredibly-incredibly you do, Karl, cause you look stupid, as well.

Karl: Well. You know.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: No, but Karl was being nice then. You-you don’t, you don’t--

Karl: I’m just saying you’re a good bloke and now I’ve got to know ya--

Steve: Sure. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: No, no--

Karl: The first time was weird was when I saw ya.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: No, leave it. Don’t (unintelligent). Just let him get on with it.

Karl: No, no, I’m-I’m just saying--

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: The first time--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was weird an’ that and then weeks go by.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And you- okay.

Karl: And the weird thing is, I kind of thought, “Maybe he’s not that odd-looking.”

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: And then you went to L.A. for three weeks--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And when you came back, it was like the first time again.

Ricky: Right!

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Okay--

Karl: No, I’m just--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay, no, just stop it now!

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Everyone stop it now!

Steve: No, but I just, I just think I’m a little bit more consistent cause I’ve always thought you were an idiot.

Ricky: No, no, no. (yelling) I don’t want this! Don’t argue! He was just- okay--

Steve: No, I just, you know, I’m, you know what I mean. My opinion has never changed. I’ve always thought you’re a, you’re an idiot.

Ricky: No! No. It’s just all nice. Let’s- look. Let’s- look. Peace.

Steve: Shut up, fatso!

Ricky: Peace, not war.

Steve: He al- he’s just such a stirrer, isn’t he?

Ricky: (chuckling) No!

Steve: He loves it! Don’t think I didn’t see you whispering behind the microphone about what to say to Karl!

Ricky: Look what I’ve just drawn, Karl. Subconsciously.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Let’s see.

Ricky: I drew a picture of him that’s on- going to be on the website.

Steve: That’s not been on the website.

Ricky: No, it’s gonna be. I drew a little cartoon of him. No, not yours. I drew one of- I drew one of Karl.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, right, okay. Uh, what were we talking about? That was a--

Karl: So, yeah--

Ricky: Touchy moment.

Karl: “Freaks,” then. It’s over and done with. It was alright. If you want to get it out on video--

Steve: Sure, sure.

Karl: Um, you know, it’s probably worth a look.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: There’s a couple of things on there that get you thinking more, you know. It’s like h-how their life is an’ stuff, d’you know what I mean?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: How it’s affected and, like, the little Pillow Man or the fella who’s got half of his body missing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You know, it’s-it’s stuff like that you think, “Ooh.”

Ricky: But you- but what’s the-the one that would disappoint you, you said it was a half man, half woman.

Karl: Yeah, I don’t quite understand that one.

Ricky: Do you mean hermaphrodite or half- I can’t remember it. Do you mean it was one, sort of, like… it had bits of both?

Karl: It was just like a…half-half a face done in makeup and long hair. Then on the other side it had, it had it shaved.

Ricky: I love the idea that you go to this circus and there’s people in there that-that have been, sort of, persecuted all their life and they think, “Well, maybe I can make some money” and then you boo them cause they’re not freakish enough. I love the idea they go out. “Boo! You’re not freakish enough. Boooo!”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: “Oh, you’ve got bits of legs? Booooo!” Do you know what I mean?

Karl: Yeah. But there was- I mean, talking about that, you see…why did they get- join the circus an’ that? Cause there are things they can do. I was telling you in the week that I was reading something on some news website about some sort of, uh, Olympic-style games.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Oh, God.

Karl: Where they’re going to see, like, disabled people against able-bodies.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Let’s be careful here, shall we?

Karl: No, I’m just saying, though.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Do you know what I mean? So there is other things. It doesn’t mean just cause you haven’t got legs, you can’t do other stuff.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And in this race there’s, like, disabled people who are beating able-bodied people.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: At what?

Karl: Would you go and see that? I don’t know.

Ricky: But, I mean, it depends. Wha-wha-what do you mean, they’re beating them? Wha- how- what?

Karl: I- it didn’t state what the, what the little races were an’ that.

Ricky: “Little races.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: He can’t help himself, can he?

Ricky: I know, “little races.” “Oh, look. There’s the disabled with their little races.”

Steve: “Yeah, they’re having a lovely little race.”

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Karl: Would you go? Would you go and…

Ricky: Um…

Karl: And watch that?

Ricky: Do you remember when Jimmy thought that “Paralympics” stood for Paraplegic Olympics?

Steve: The Paralympics?

Ricky: Yeah, it’s- means Parallel Olympics.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: He thought it meant Paralegic- Paraplegic Olympics. That would be a good s-sight, wouldn’t it? Mainly blow football.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Right. Okay. So, ma- what was that thing I told you to look up in the week?

Karl: You were saying- you see, I-I don’t believe you. You were going on about, um…we were talking about the half man, half woman.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And you were saying--

Ricky: You can get, you can get a sex change on the NHS just to see what you’d say about that. Did you look it up?

Karl: I didn’t, cause I think I was wasting me time.

Ricky sighs

Karl: I don’t think you can have that done.

Ricky: I’ve given him all these things!

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Little- play a record. You’re annoying me now.

Karl: No, but you wouldn’t, you wouldn’t do that. You do-

Ricky: He’s annoyed- you’ve annoyed Steve. You've annoyed Steve on air…

Karl: I’m sorry about that.

Steve: Well, it’s just too late, Karl.

Karl: But we were talking about other stuff, as well. I mean, you know, talking about operations an’ that. You were saying we- you know, can you have a sex change done on the NHS an’ that.

Ricky: No, you can.

Karl: Well, you say you can. I think that’s a bit…it’s not that important to have done, I don’t think.

Ricky: Well, it depends if-if you desperately want it. It depends if you think you feel that you’re born actually a different sex.

Karl: Right. And then you went on to say there’s-there’s other things that are done. Get this, Steve. Someone, if they want, if the cat’s got a bad liver--

Ricky: Kidney.

Karl: Alright. Bad kidney. Can have it done for five grand.

Ricky: Yeah, you can have, you can have a cat kidney operation.

Steve: But what’s wrong with that? If you’ve got five grand you want to waste on a cat, then fine.

Karl: Get another one!

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: We went through loads of cats! I’ve told you before, as a kid, we got through loads. It’s not worth it and there’s no cat that is that amazing that you’d go, “Gonna miss that one. It’s never going to be the same cause it--”

Steve: What do you mean? What would it have to be able to do to be worth it? Wha- it’s normally to do with people’s affection for their cat. They’ve had the pet for many years. What do you mean, it should be able to juggle? Or do impressions and that’s why it’s worth five grand?

Ricky: Right, supposing there was a-a fella, right? He’s- he feels he was born a woman. He’s-he’s not happy. Right? He doesn’t want this. He’s got, he’s got a knob and a tes- couple of testicles that he does not want. Right? He wants a lovely pair of tits and a minge. Alright? And he finds out that- he-he gets a cut price. He gets, you know, a cut price, sort of, operation. A dodgy, backstreet, um, uh, transsexual maker. Right?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Five grand. Knocked down price, five grand. He’s done with the, he’s done with the blunt knife and-and some chloroform, right? But--

Karl: But why’ve you got to have it all done?

Ricky: What? You mean, just like made- have the knob trimmed and wear a bra?

Karl: Well, yeah. I mean, are you saying if you have it all done, you get some sort of offer if you give them something?

Ricky: No. No. I was being flippant. I’m saying- I was trying to get down to five grand. Supposing there was a fella- he had five grand to give away, right? Some old woman with her cat is going to die or some fella who wants his knob chopped off and a lovely pair of tits put on. Who would you give the five grand to?

Karl: So- hang on a minute. So there’s a fella--

Ricky: Oh, Jesus.

Karl: Who wants to be a woman.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And there’s a woman who’s got an ill cat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Hmm….. You see, I’d be annoyed- who-whose is this five grand? Is this my savings or--?

Ricky: No, you just get given, you get given five grand and you go- but you’ve got to give it to a charity of your choice. And it’s got to be one of them.

Karl: Alright, I’ll tell ya what I’d do.

Ricky: What?

Karl: I’d find out what the cat looks like, get a replacement, right? Say she- say it’s had the op.

Ricky: Hm.

Karl: She’s loving it, thinking it’s happy again.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Give the fella the money.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: D’you know what I mean?

Ricky: Well, so you’re basically saying that…you-you’d rather have the bloke have his knob cut off and stuff than save the cat--

Karl: I’d-I’d have to have a chat with him first and say, “Wha-what’s your problem?” And say, “Why-why do you need this doing and--”

Ricky: I think they go through that. I think they go to--

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Counselling and live as a woman for--

Karl: Just check. Like a, like a second opinion thing. I’d just be saying, “Right, are you sure?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But five grand on the cat… even- it can only be for people who’ve got loads of money, right? And it’s like, “Well. Five grand, it’s nothing.”

Ricky: Well, I think this debate will rage on. Should we play a record and come back to this? Think about it though?

Karl: Yeah. Bit of White Stripes.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky chuckles

Song: The White Stripes- Seven Nation Army

At the End of the Day, You Still Look Like a Fella

Ricky: Placebo. “Bitter End” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you’re looking all flustered and confused again.

Karl: I still just, sort of, don’t get it.

Ricky: What don’t you get?

Steve: Well, that’s a long list, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: The, uh- you know. If you have your--

Ricky: Knob cut off.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s because they feel like they’re actually born a woman and this- they’re not living right. They can’t live properly with all the…these things, you know. Well, I mean, there-there are people that are genetically the-the other gender. They’ve just grown, you know. There’s one woman, actually, who was a scientist researching it and found out genetically she was a man. She had, uh, Y chromosomes instead of- but this is something different. This is, this is both psychological and everything else, so-so--

Karl: But sometimes it’s that thing again, innit? You can’t always have, you know, what you want. It’s like I’d like to have hair.

Ricky quietly chuckles

Karl: D’you know what I mean?

Ricky: But-but it’s a bit easier. You can wear a wig. You can’t go around, really- well you can put on, you know, a bit of false breasts and tuck it in.

Karl: That’s-that’s just it as well, isn’t it, you see? You-you say, you know, you could have the operation done an’ that. And yeah, you might sort of feel as free as a woman down below an’ that.

Ricky and Steve quietly chuckle

Karl: But at the end of the day, you still look like a fella.

Ricky: Yeah? “Here’s a bra and a split tennis ball.”

Karl: No--

Ricky: They’ll be just like Auntie Nora.

Karl: D’you know what I mean, though?

Ricky: Well…yeah, but it’s about their outward appearance, about how they feel publicly. Don’t forget, a transsexual is not a transvestite. This isn’t just a-a builder in a dress. They have hormone replacement as well, so they get oestrogen so they-they- and electrolysis. So they have, you know- their-their face looks different. They-they-they don’t go bald. They’re slighter. They-they- you know what I mean? They- it’s the- they’re the real thing. A transsexual is now the real thing. Biologically and politically and--

Karl: But they’ll still be a man, won’t they?

Ricky: Well, it’ll be embarrassing if they don’t tell their new partner and the- there’s pictures of them, you know, down at the pub when they were twenty-four. But you probably sort of get over that, don’t ya? They go, “Who’s the fella with the beard drinking the yard of ale?” “That was me.”

Steve: “Well, interesting story.”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah!

Steve: “Probably should have told you this before the honeymoon.”

Ricky laughs

Karl: D’you know what I mean? It’s like, you can have all that done, right? There’s-there’s stuff, you know. You can have your bits done, right? You can have, like, uh, false teeth, but you know that. When you see an old person with a good set of teeth it’s like, “Well, they’re-they’re false. There’s no way you’ve got good teeth like that if you were brought up in, like, the thirties.”

Ricky: But what would you do if Suzanne said, “Look, I’ve got a terrible secret” and she showed you a picture of this kid, just a little boy, growing up, you know, playing football. And then the pictures stop at twenty, just before you met her. And, uh, she goes- and she shows you a nice pair of bollocks in a jar. She goes, “They were mine.”

Steve: Well, first thing is he’d take back the gloves he bought her last week.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Would you go, “Ohh. I can’t go out with you now.” Or would you say, “Well, yeah, it’s the same person.” I’ve blown his mind! I’ve really--

Steve: That’s frazzled him.

Ricky: I really have freaked him out there!

Karl: She is into sport.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Eh? Should we play a record while you give her a call?

Karl: No. But look, what I’m saying is here, right? It doesn’t matter what you have done- we can wrap this up here cause I’ve got it sorted, right?

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: It doesn’t matter what you have done, at the end of day, it’s obvious that you’ve had it done. If-if you’re a fella and you’ve been changed to a woman, I could spot ya. Right?

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: If--

Ricky: You can’t, though.

Karl: I tell ya what. I was at, I was at Suzanne’s mam and dad’s, right, up north last week.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And I went to the off-license. Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And I went in there. Never seen this fella before. Right? Soon as I walk in, I eye him up behind the counter, go, “Alright, mate.”

Steve: “Oh, hello.”

Ricky: “Oh, hello.”

Karl: I notice he’s got a wig on, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Now… it was- I-I kind of looked and I thought, “Yeah, it’s a wig. Whatever.” And then I thought, “ I wonder if it is.” And as I got to the till I said, “How much is that?” He said, uh, you know, “ Fifty pence.” I said, “Great.” And as he turned to the till--

Steve: Were you buying Suzanne a gift?

Ricky laughs

Karl: And as he turned to the till and he did that sort of angle, you got the profile. You see the bit sticking out of the back. You go, “That’s a wig.”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know what you mean!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I know what you mean! It’s like a little- it just, it just- the last inch just lifts away from the neck.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Now everyone who goes in that shop will probably know him. As having a wig an’ that. It keeps him happy, but everybody knows. So what I’m saying is, it’s like--

Ricky: But can I just say, transsexuals put in a little more effort than a-a fella who’s plunked a rug on top and held it down with some duct tape. D’you know what I mean? You know, the only giveaway often with a transsexual is the big hands. They can’t do anything about that.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: That’s the only thing, you know.

Karl: Alright then.

Ricky: But, um- but I mean, t-uh, trans-transvestites are different, you know. The-they-they‘re- they are builders in a dress. You go into a supermarket, you turn around, you see a six-foot woman, huge head. You go, “Alright, love.” You know what I mean? You know- you don’t- you know, down below--

Karl: There you go.

Ricky: She’s packing more than us three put together.

Karl: That’s what I’m saying.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: But, you know I mean? That-that’s one of the only- If-if a, if a- Eddie Izzard, right? Meeting Eddie Izzard, right, who likes to pop on a dress now and again. Right? If- what’s the politics with that? Do you go- as he walks in and he’s all in evening gown and he goes, “Alright, Karl” and he- and, uh, you go, “Alright, Eddie” and it’s in a busy pub and you go, “Oh, why’s he-” And you go, uh- do you say, “Do you want a pint of bitter?” and slap him on the back like you would a mate? Or do you go, “That’s lovely. That‘s a lovely dress.” Do you know what I mean? What do you do? What do you do with a transvestite? Do you--

Steve: Would you compliment a transvestite?

Ricky: On their lovely dress?

Steve: If he was wearing a nice dress? In the same way that you would if Suzanne was wearing a nice--

Karl: Probably in a different way. I’d probably say, “That dress, you know, looks nice. Be even nicer on a woman!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: (chuckling) Right.

Karl: D’you know what I mean?

Steve: So you’d try and, you’d try and change the way they think.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, you’d want to teach them a lesson.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: In a way.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It’s just that- it’s one of those things I can’t get me head around, to be honest, right? I can handle hairy Chinese kids.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Big heads.

Ricky: Is it true, is it true to say that you’ve never been able to handle a transvestite?

Song: Snoop Dogg- Who Am I? (What’s My Name) begins

Steve: So I’m just going to add that to list then, Karl, of things you don’t- you can’t figure out.

Ricky giggles

Steve: It’s, like, four volumes.

Song: Snoop Dogg- Who Am I? (What’s My Name?)