24 August 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 24 August 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Licky Boom Boom Down

Steve: Oh, ho, hooooo.

Steve laughs

Ricky: That’s Feeder and “Come Back Around.” It’s a new leaf, Steve of - I’m goin' to, to, do properly now I’m not gonna be slufflin’, I’m sittin’ up straight you see-

Steve: Yep

Ricky: -and it’s jus’ gonna be a proper DJing, cos I figure… Coming up soon some great tracks including a new one from Abs and an old one from Snow “Infoooormer.”

Steve laughs

Steve mumbles incorrect lyrics to Snow “Informer”

Steve: A licky boom boom dooooown.

Ricky: I’m joking of course. We’ve got some fantastic tracks-

Steve: Good stuff, yeah

Ricky: -some great chat, we’ve got Karl who’s-

Steve: Some great chat.

Ricky: -Steve, I’m Ricky Gervais on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: There he is indeed with him Steve Merchant and uh Karl Pilkington of course. Say hello, Karl.

Karl: Alright.

Steve: Yeah, nice. And uh, you you say you were in-

Ricky: The beginning of a radio show is very much your wears, your shop window laying out your stall. I don’t think you can choose a better track than The Only Ones “Another Girl Another Planet.”

Steve: I’d love to hear it.

The Only Ones - Another Girl Another Planet

Croque-Monsieur

Ricky: One of my favourite intos, that.

Steve: Amazing.

Ricky: Oh that was dangerous. Cos I once heard on Capital radio, um, “This has got to be the greatest rock intro of all time,” and they played “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straights.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah, I can just imagine them putting their head down-

Steve: I remember a friend of mine at uh, when I was at school, he he just bought a car and he took me outside to show off the stereo system. “Money for Nothing” just uh, just played that. I’d never heard the song before. Just played that for its entire 4 or 5 minute duration-

Ricky: It is a good song for uh

Steve: -to show off the uh sound system.

Ricky: Yeah it’s a good song for showing off intros and sound systems.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You said you were driving along earlier you saw someone uh-

Ricky: Are you, are you uh yeah pl- yeah it was one of those souped up sort of um, uh, sporty saloons.

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: You know that people put out like a Mondale or something one of the big- and uh, it was blaring out and the bloke in it was sorta like- I could tell he was 24 but already going bald.

Steve: Ssss, yeah.

Ricky: From from like obviously his estate agency job.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But he’s made a bit of money and he’s got uh, and the stereo system was ridiculous-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -I mean so loud and it was going through Common Garden. He was playing Snow “Informer.”

Steve: Ha. Awwww. I just, do people remember “Informer” by Snow? It was a big tune back in-

Ricky: I don’t. I don’t know. It’s, it’s great I, I always enjoy it.

Steve: Can I bring that in next week? Can we play Snow next week?

Ricky: No. We can play a tiny little bit of it.

Steve: Tiny little bit of Snow before-

Ricky: Yeah, I’m-

Steve: Do you remember Snow, Karl?

Karl: uh yeah uh loved it-

Steve: You know, a big tune

Ricky: Loved it. Oh did ya?

Steve: Big tune from the 90’s.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Happy song, innit?

Steve: Rick, you were saying that you’ve turned over a new leaf-

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Is that in all aspects of your life or is that just in your broadcasting career. Because uh, the reason I bring that up is because, do you wanna describe what you were eating just now when we came in? Cos you’re a forty- you’re a forty year old man and you’ve put on-

Ricky: No now listen-

Steve: -a little bit of weight so presumably you’re watching what you eat.

Ricky: Well, no but it sounded exotic-

Steve: Can I- go on.

Ricky: -I went into a café, and I didn’t- they didn’t have a cheese sandwich-

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And uh-

Steve: Can I describe what it looked like to me?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Right, it looked to me like a big slab of cheese you’ve just got them to just cut off a big block of cheese like the size of a CD case-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -that, one of those double albums, alright, of cheese, right. And just lightly melt that for me-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -so it drips over my hand and-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -it gets really greasy in the bag. But just lay some strips of bacon on the top.

Ricky: Yeah, but listen you’ve embarrassed yourself-

Steve: Is that what it was?

Ricky: No it’s a croque-monsieur so it’s French.

Steve: It’s a what?

Ricky: A croque-monsieur.

Steve: A croque-monsieur.

Ricky: Yeah, and so I got- I thought, ooo.

Steve: I’ve never heard of a croque-monsieur-

Ricky: You’re having a l- see you’ve embarrassed yourself.

Steve: Is that how it’s pronounced?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Or is it croque-monsieur?

Pause

Steve: Oooooh.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Eh, eh? You didn’t expect me to be bringing out the French, eh?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Tu aimes la musique pop? Oui, Je t'aime la musique pop!

Ricky: La plume de ma tante.

Steve: Ou est le syndicat d'initiative?

Ricky: That means… my aunt’s pen.

Steve: So wh-what was it then, a croque- it was a croque-monsieur?

Ricky: Yeah, and it was just too greasy and it was just too- and it was all wobbly, I-I-I-I when I like toast I like it to be crisp.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: It’s the thing with like, wh-wh- this is rubbish. Play Coldplay.

Coldplay - In My Place

Planes, Trains and Awfulmobiles

Ricky: Coldplay that’s alright, innit?

Steve: Yeah it’s not bad.

Ricky: Yeah. Nice, a nice little track. Well Steve, um, we’ve been away now for what 12, 13, 14 weeks.

Steve: Is it r-really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: I just, been looking forward to coming back. It’s great, it’s great to be back.

Steve: Ha. Yep, yep.

Ricky: And, uh.

Steve: Yeah we’ve had uh some-some-some laughs some tears in the- in the interim, I imagine.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, we’ve had a few ups and downs whilest we’ve been working on the, TV show The Office, BAFTA winning.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Uh, coming soon to BBC2. But uh we’ve-

Ricky: Thirteenth- thirteenth of September

Steve: But Rick I just need- I just want to mention something quickly to you. Um-

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: When did I last see you? I saw you yesterday, didn’t I?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, cause we went up to Edinburgh yesterday we were- we were very nicely uh invited to go talk at the uh Edinburgh International Television Festival-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was quite a big deal we went up there and we were interviewed and Ricky chose to go on the train cause it takes like 4. Is it 4 and a half hours or something on the train?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But it’s quite leisurely-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -it’s quite sort of gentlemanly thing to do.

Ricky: Yeah yeah.

Steve: I opted to go for the plane option, and fly up there.

Ricky: Yeah, more modern.

Steve: Exactly and they-they bankrolled that they paid for it all and-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -and that was all um very nice and as I recall when I last saw you uh, we got a cab didn’t we? And-and you asked if you could get the cab to drop you off at the train station.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And they took me on to the airport.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, did I- now that was- that was before I- the last time I saw you was before I got to the airport and missed my flight wasn’t it?

Pause

Steve: Because I- because I had to drop you off in the center of town.

Ricky: That’s not true.

Steve: Yeah, tha- that was- so that was just before I had to pay a hundred and sixty five pounds to upgrade to another ticket.

Ricky: How did you not tell me that in the last hour?

Steve: A hundred and sixty five pounds, Ricky, I had to pay because we dropped you off at the train station. So I mean do you want to go halfs on that or what d’you wanna- how do you wanna deal with that- how d’you wanna sort that whole- that whole mess out?

Ricky: Why were you late?

Steve: Well, why was I late? Because we dropped you off in the center of Edinburgh and do you know how hard it is to get out of Edinburgh in rush hour traffic?

Ricky: But it was only- it was only 3 minutes away so you’d have missed it anyway.

Steve: No no because if we’d have gone the other direction it’d have been 20 minutes it took me like an hour to get to the tr- to the airport. And I got there and the plane had already left and the cabby was just laughing. He was saying, “We’re never gonna make it.” He goes, “You were a religious man you had better start praying.” I thought he was being facetious. He was absolutely right. A hundred and sixty five pounds.

Ricky: But hold on why didn’t he tell you that when he wh- when he picked us up, what at, quarter past four?

Steve: Well it makes you wonder. So obviously a lit- I’m a little bit annoyed. Cause you know I’m not a man who likes to sort of spend unnecessarily.

Ricky: But wait, but wh- this is not my fault cause you were there when we made that decision. I didn’t impose this on you we both decided that I’d i- it’s both our fault. I mean it’s n-no one’s fault

Steve: It’s both our fault it’s that- fair enough it’s all I wanted to hear. It’s both our fault therefore it’s both our financial obligation.

Ricky: No.

Steve: A hundred and sixty five pounds, just split that in half. Write a check, Rick, write a check, it’s fine I’ll-I- I trust you.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You know?

Ricky: Um phone in uh, I think everyone this-this is-

Steve: You’re clearly responsible.

Ricky: No of course I’m not. If you- if you share a cab and then one person’s lucky enough to not be late and one person is unlucky enough, and that’s what it is, bad luck, I don’t think you share the obligation.

Steve: How about this-

Ricky: It’s a- it’s a moral dilemma this, isn’t it?

Steve: But it’s more than that though isn’t it?

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Because let’s be honest,

Ricky: What?

Steve: Um even if you have known that it- I was gonna get there late you’d have wanted me to hang around just so you weren’t left around waiting for a train like you were.

Ricky: No cause I got there-

Steve: Cause you get bored sitting there-

Ricky: No cause I’d have-

Steve: So you’d have wanted me at least go in that cab with you.

Ricky: I got there way too early. I actually got there about- I was there about thirty minutes early.

Steve: Oh so you made it fine then that was-

Ricky: Well exactly so I did, I’m-I- I sacrificed me hanging around for half an hour so you could get a quarter past 4. And the other thing is this: you were gonna get in at a quarter past 4 anyway.

Steve: Yeah but I would- if I’d gone the other direction, not dropped you off in the center I would have been there in time.

Ricky: Well would we, would we? Is that true?

Steve: Well yes.

Ricky: Well only God knows.

Steve: Well and the cabby.

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: what I’d mentioned it to.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So-

Ricky: I’ll tell you what’ll cheer you up. I’ll tell you what’s better than 80 quid. I’ll tell you what’s better than that, shall I?

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Music.

Steve: What you paying the whole hundred and sixty five?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Listen, no I’ve brought in a little track here um, Bruce Springsteen off the Tunnel of Love album and uh, I know you’re a Springsteen fan.

Steve: I’m a Springsteen fan we should just qualify this cause I know people who listen to Xfm obviously get a bit edgy about Springsteen.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They just think he’s this old kind of ludicrous 80’s rocker, the bandana, you know, the fly and the flag, which he never really was.

Ricky: No that- no that was Bon Jovi.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Don’t- don’t confuse them.

Steve: It is Bon Jovi. But seriously no, do you know what I mean he did write some great music in the 70’s.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he just got a little bit kind of pompous in the 80’s but he still turned out, uh some amazing tunes. One of which I imagine is this one, Rick.

Ricky: This one’s called “Brilliant Disguise.”

Bruce Springsteen - “Brilliant Disguise”

Casino Steve

Ricky: Bit of Springsteen there, “Brilliant Disguise” on Xfm 104.9 I think that’s- that’s soothed you a little bit that’s uh that’s-

Steve: Not really.

Ricky: Take the blow, you know I- I ju- I just remembered something as well,

Steve: 80 quid, Rick, 80 quid.

Ricky: You know uh um we finished the talk at about sort of three and we had a couple of hours to kill before we got the, and that- that half two wasn’t it? we had a couple of hours before we got the- the taxi. And uh- and we were eating in this café, and uh a- and Steve said uh, “How long’s your train gonna,” and I said, “About four and a half hours,” and he went, “So you get- what time you get in?” I said, “I get in about ten.” He went, “Half six, me.” Like that, and he was quite smug and I went, “Yeah,” I said, “it is- it’s quite a long time I just gotta sorta relax, and all.” He went, “Yeah see but,” he said, “but I think I’ve come off better here. Cause usually you’ve organized all this stuff,” he said, “But I think you’ve chosen wrong here, I think.” I said, “I think you’re right.” Ha. Didn’t you?

Steve: Yeah. Don’t you think those words weren’t coming back to haunt me as I was handing over a hundred sixty five note.

Ricky laughs

Steve: All I was thinking was Ricky’s gonna be loving it-

Ricky: And I was on the train in first class drinking, uh, John Smith’s.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And listening to my CD walkman.

Steve: Yeah but I handed over my initial card. She said, “A hundred sixty five quid there,” and I went, “Fine.” I handed over my card and, it was a Switch card, she went, “We don’t take Switch.”

Ricky: Don’t they?

Steve: I was thinking how- what am I gonna do then? I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t know where I’m gonna get the money from.

Ricky: What did you do in the end then? Cause did you have cash?

Steve: Well luckily I had another card.

Ricky: Oh right.

Steve: And um, and she managed to accept that one but I- I don’t know what I would’ve done there. I don’t- genuinely don’t know what-

Ricky: You didn’t tell me you had another card.

Steve: Yeah I’ve got two cards.

Ricky: Have you?

Steve: Oh yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah yeah yeah, sure sure sure, yeah yeah yeah. Oh that is depressing.

Steve: I was so depressed cause I just kept thinking about what I’d said to you.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I’ve won this time. Cause normally I’m always like legging it for tubes or I’m just generally where I get stuck in the rain or circle.

Ricky: And I just- I just get a driver or something. He goes, “Why didn’t you get me a driver?” I said, “It’s up to you, it’s up to you.” Do you know what I mean, every man for themselves?

Steve: But this time it was four and a half hours and I was just in that forty minutes on the tr- on the plane there’d have been no problem.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Unbelievable.

Ricky cackles

Steve: I’m so livid. D’you know I got off the- cause I was not very well over, I’m a bit ill at the moment and I got off the- the plane and I thought well I could get a cab from the airport all the way back home but, you know, I’ve already been stung for a hundred and sixty five quid. Got the tube, took me forever.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: I’m not gonna lie to you it took me forever. I got- I got in probably later than you did.

Ricky laughs

Steve: At the eleven o’clock mark.

Ricky: You didn’t really?

Steve: No it wasn’t quite as bad as that.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: But I was so depre- I’m really depressed, Rick. So I say 50 quid it served me right-

Ricky: Well I know. But I mean Steve does not like to waste money and I- I mean- and by that I mean- I mean-

Steve: I don’t like to spend money.

Ricky: No um. We had- he had to go out and get a shirt for a photo shoot. Got quite an important photo shoot for the- I think the- the Times, alright. He went out he- buying a shirt- buying a shirt went out and planned it, right shirt. Came back four ninety- fourteen ninety nine from Henny’s?

Steve: Henny’s fourteen ninety nine.

Ricky: He knew where he was aiming. He aimed straight for Henny’s he knew- he knew where he could get a bargain. And this is a man-

Steve: But I- it seems to me that at that kind of price you can throw em away after. You don’t even need to wash em really. You could throw em away use em like Kleenex.

Ricky: Have you ever thrown one away?

Steve: Noooo, no no no. Just scrape off the stains and keep on wearing it, Rick.

Ricky: Remember that time when we went to the casino for my birthday and I was like a hundred quid down and some people were a hundred quid up or a hundred quid down, like that. He- after the three hours we were there was down twenty pounds, genuinely depressed.

Steve: I was almost crying.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause I don’t- what it is is because it’s a- it’s a mug’s game gambling. It really is.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Was that where we- cause I went there- it was one time we went in there where it was our agent’s birthday-

Ricky: Oh that was another time we went, alright. And he was up and he- he’d got a- got a win he was thirty quid up and so I said, “It’s your round then.” And the round was more than thirty quid and he couldn’t believe it. And he sat down and he went, “I can’t believe it.” He said, “And I’ve bought him a present so I was already down.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I tell ya I was already down cause I had bought our agent a gift. He didn’t- I didn’t see him buy a round. And you know that thing when you’re buying a round of drinks for people you don’t even know so it’s like what’s the story there why am I suddenly bankrolling you drinks? It’s like, I don’t know you people I’m not gonna get any kind of- I’m not gonna see you again to sort of reap the benefits at a later point.

Ricky: Cause he came in with his three ten pound chips-

Steve: I got- most of you are married or engaged so I’m not even gonna pull from it.

Ricky: It was-

Steve: It was a waste of time.

Ricky: It was like-

Steve: It was just pure generosity.

Ricky: It was something like from Swingers cause you came into the cocktail bar holding three chips up worth ten pounds each.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And went, “Hellooooo,” like that.

Steve: Yeah I was thirty pounds up. That’s a lot of money, Rick, in a, you know, Karl, you know that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Thirty quid you don’t wanna sniff at that.

Ricky: I wh- wh- what song should we play. Let’s- we got uh bring lots of songs in, so I’m-

Karl: Bit of eh, bit of Incubus.

Ricky and Steve groan

Steve: Ugh, just to make us more depressed.

Incubus - Are You In?

Richard Ashcroft - Check the Meaning

Fancying a Tramp

Ricky: D’you like that? D’you like that?

Steve: I thought it was a bit slow.

Ricky: I know but I’m a fan I think.

Steve: I like slow songs but I-

Ricky: I-I-I I’ve always been. I’ve always been a fan of- even from early days. I-I-I thought it’s by himself it was really great and much maligned. People didn’t like it cause they were expecting, like, you know,

Steve: The Verve.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Urban Hymns and all that.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: But I- that’s- that’s great. On Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Who are you?

Ricky: Ricky Gervais. Who are you?

Steve: Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Who’s that little round headed fellow over there?

Steve: Oh he’s Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: Karl. we haven’t had a lot of Karl today he’s a bit tired aren’t ya?

Karl: Jus’ a little bit.

Ricky: What happened? You came back from Edinburgh today as well didn’t you? On a plane?

Karl: This morning.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Got an early- an early flight.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Um. It’s just annoyed me cos there’s there was like people on the plane fighting over, um, where they wanted to sit. Um-

Ricky: Surely they’ve got designated seats.

Karl: Well they have but that wasn’t good enough for them they wanted like- they wanted to sit next to their friends and that. It’s like you can’t cos you didn’t check in together so that’s- that’s the way it is.

Ricky: Yeah they can’t.

Karl: But the thing is it’s from Edinburgh. Forty minutes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I just don’t understand this sort of-

Ricky: You can stand for that long can’t ya?

Karl: Well. Wh- why do you have to sit next to the person anyway, to be honest? I mean fair enough if you’re going on a long flight someone to talk to but for forty minutes it really doesn’t matter.

Ricky: I never want anyone to talk to. I d- I don’t want anyone sitting next to me to talk to me.

Karl: Why? Well, what are they there for?

Ricky: What? I d- I don’t mean people I go with. I mean if I’m traveling alone and I sit next to someone I don’t want them to talk to me.

Karl: Yeah but… I don’t really kn-

Ricky: If I was travelling with you I’d really not want you to talk to me.

Steve: Not if you’re gonna talk like this.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah it’s this- this-

Steve: Karl you sound like you’re suicidal, mate. It’s just a couple of people arguing. It’s over man.

Ricky: Yeah, he’s a- he’s a-

Steve: Why is this still stewing you off?

Ricky: He’d of- he’d- he’d- he paid a hundred and sixty quid and he’s not whinging. He doesn’t care.

Steve: A hundred and sixty five quid. Let’s get it right.

Ricky laughs

Steve: If you’re gonna bring it up. If you’re gonna mention it.

Ricky: It was like water off a duck’s back to him. He’s- he’s just- he goes ten- wait- he said- he said to me, “Rick, it’s only money is- and money is just something you have in case you don’t die tomorrow.” He’s got a great attitude towards money, Steve. It’s like, easy come easy go. So just, take a leaf out of Steve “I’m not spending that much” Merchant and you’ll have a happier life.

Steve: Sorry I just need to defend myself for a minute. There are certain instances in life where, you see, you know you give me an attitude that I’m tight it’s not tight, it’s that-

Ricky: No no no no no.

Steve: No. Shut up. Let me defend myself. It’s not that I’m tight with money it’s that I want to get value for money at all times.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Because I- you know I’d- you probably got a lot of cash given to you maybe, as pocket money when you was a kid. Every penny I’ve ever had has been money I’ve earned.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So thirty quid I’m going to spend it wisely. Like, for instance, you- say you’re in a party- you’re at a party maybe at- in a bar it’s some- someone’s birthday. You get talking to a girl, right? Maybe you buy her some drinks, right? You’re chattin’ to her and then you’re chattin’ away for two hours and then at the end of the evening she says, “Oh da da da da da… I’ve gotta go I’m meeting my boyfriend now.” Right, she’s wasted my money and my time there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s two hours wasted and money wasted, right? Now she should have told me straight away that she had a boyfriend and I wouldn’t have bothered with her.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And I’ve thought about it and I’ve told her.

Ricky: Right. What if she thought she was just having a chat with another human being.

Steve: Don’t give me that attitude though, Rick, where you- I’m being deliberately deceived so people can extract money from me or interesting conversation.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She knew what I was after it was obvious.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The drooling mouth, you know, the- the beady eyes.

Ricky: And and and-

Steve: And yet she was leading me on.

Ricky: And she was a prostitute. And think how he felt about that I mean what a slap in the face.

Steve: No let’s not try and cheapen it with that kind of cheap sexual innuendo right? She- she occasionally slept with me for- for money.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It wasn’t for money it was for meals.

Steve: Yeah, no but the point was- but do you know what I mean? It’s just that sort of attitude generally in my life it’s like, don’t waste my time, you know. Don’t waste my time or my money, alright? Life is sh- uh the clock is ticking.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: As far as I’m concerned and, you know. And so just- if- if- if you’ve got a boyfriend you know, and I come up and I’m chattin’ you up just let me know and I’ll leave you alone I won’t bother you.

Ricky: Or wear a badge.

Steve: Yes please I’m glad you mentioned that cause I feel we should- they should definitely introduce some kind of badge system.

Ricky: You see but the problem is that women without boyfriends will be wearing those badges now and you won’t be able to- you know what I mean? You won’t be able to say, “Have you really got a boyfriend?”

Steve: Well I just think there should be some kind of- sort of- some sort of- there should be an etiquette. There should be an understanding.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know cause they know wh- they can see what I’m after.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: They all can see it.

Steve: Yes. I make it very clear.

Ricky: You’re not- you’re not a subtle man.

Steve: No I just come over and pant.

Ricky: Do you still- do you still try and attract their attention by throwing small rocks at them?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: As they walk down the- does that- does that ever work?

Steve: Occasionally.

Ricky: Does it really?

Steve: You know the desperate ones or homeless ones.

Ricky: Oh the homeless ones.

Steve: But-

Ricky: He once, right. He said to me- he came in to… uh uh… work and he said uh, “I gave a homeless girl uh, a pound, right. Cause I fancied her.” He said, “Is that wrong? Is that really bad?”

Steve: I don’t think it is you see-

Ricky laughs

Steve: I don’t think it is because it seems to me she was an attractive homeless girl and she deserved some of my money.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I just imagine him slurring- I imagine him like going past loads of tramps going, “Get out there. Get a job.” And she was there he go, “Ahhh, helloooo.”

Steve: But I have to say I did for a moment just pause and think to myself whether I could kind of scoop her up in my arms, take her back to my place and kind of turn her life around like My Fair Lady. You know what I mean and kind of teach her to speak properly and dress her up in smart clothes and take her out into sort of, society.

Ricky: Yeah. I think that is one of your first mistakes was she said, “Listen, love, I’m up for it if I can hose you down.

Steve laughs

Ricky: That was where you went wrong.

The Smiths - Cemetry Gates

Simon and Nick's Ghost Stories

Ricky: Smiths “Cemetry Gates.” Great one, innit?

Steve: Always cracking.

Ricky: Off The Queen is Dead, voted best album of all time, I think. In an NME poll. I don’t think it is their best album.

Steve: Strangeways Here We Come.

Ricky: I agree. I I I agree.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cracking.

Ricky: Anyway, Karl, yeah so people were arguing on the pl- how- how did you enjoy Edinburgh by the way, anyway? Because I saw you up there briefly. You and um Nick Frost, your new mates, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg. You know, uh, he prefers them to us now?

Steve: I know appar- I can tell that from just talking to him earlier.

Ricky: He- he was just- and the way he was sort of lookin’ at them, uh over there, and he was just smiling at Nick Frost he’s- it’s his new best chum. You love Nick Frost don’t ya?

Karl: Would you have preferred it, right, that I went to Edinburgh and w- and had to sit with some people that I really didn’t like?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Would you have been happier for me?

Ricky: No. D’ya know, but I-I-

Karl: Right, so I had a great time with Simon and Nick and they- and they’re nice people.

Ricky: He kept going- he kept going to em- he kept going to them and went, "oi, oi, Nick tell Ricky that story." And he th- and Nick and Simon, “Well all it was, right…” and they’re ghost stories. That’s- he loves them because they believe in ghosts.

Steve: Oh Karl.

Karl: It’s not that-

Steve: Have we taught you nothing?

Ricky: Not because they have a great sense of humour. Just because they believe in ghosts he’s going, “Tell him that,” he goes, “how do you explain that?” I was going, “Well I wasn’t there.” What was that one you told me and it was completely wrong? About the-

Karl: It was uh… oh yeah. Right this- years ago…

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Uh some-

Ricky: In olden days.

Steve: Oh sure sure.

Ricky: When ghosts roamed the earth.

Steve: Once upon a time it could be.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Some doctor or something, he was into like the way bodies work. Um, they got their head cut off.

Steve: Who did? The doctor?

Karl: And. Yeah he was doing a bit of an experiment.

Steve: And he cut his own head off?

Karl: He- yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: And it was about, um, he said, “When me head’s in the basket I’m gonna blink me eyes.”

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Ok sorry hang on, let- let him finish.

Karl: And um…

Steve: So the doctor has chopped his own head off and he’s told everyone I’m gonna blink my eyes.

Ricky: No, no, no.

Karl: His head’s in the basket and he goes like, “Right, I’m gonna blink me eyes about, you know, as many times as I can. So quick, count em.” And- and they count and they got to like fifteen before he- he d- died.

Ricky: Right now this is how Karl told me that. Until Nick Frost explained that, Karl told like, he said, “Right, well a bloke, right he had his head cut off and as it- and it- and when his head was in the basket he went, ‘Count how many times I can blink.’” And I went, “Well that’s rubbish.” He went, “No.” And Nick went, “Well no well he actually said when my head’s in the basket…” he went and Karl went, “Oh right.” I said, “Karl, do you know the subtle difference? Do you see the subtle difference.”

Steve: I have to say though, guys, I still don’t really understand what went on there. I really do- you both lost me.

Ricky: Right the story is that a bloke who’d been found doing, um, you know.

Steve: You mean that Karl has just explained it and that was a clear version?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Cause, I still don’t know what you’re talking about Karl.

Ricky: Well this bloke had his head cut off and- I don’t know, experiments against God he was a doctor in the, you know uh, in olden times.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And when they cut his head off um.

Steve: Why did they cut his head off?

Ricky: Um because it was uh- crimes-

Steve: He was executed?

Ricky: -against, exactly, yeah he was executed yeah. And uh, uh, he said to his assistant, “When my head’s in the basket I’m gonna blink, count how many times I blink and write it down as an experiment, right.” Karl told it to me like his head was cut off and he went in the basket and when his head was in the basket he looked up and said, “Count how many times I blink.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah, I love that. I love the difference in that story.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Both rubbish.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But you know, um one’s- one’s possible one isn’t-

Steve: What? You believe anything that you’re told except when we tell you the truth.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, here’s one.

Ricky: Christ.

Karl: Ghosts and that, we got- we got talking about.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And Nick uh, Nick said, “Right,” he said, “you’ll like this one.” He said um, “My uh, my auntie um, was having loads of problems-“

Ricky: Why are you whispering? It’s not illegal to talk about ghosts on the radio.

Karl: No but you, I’m uh.

Steve: It’s the eeriness.

Karl: So um, the auntie’s in the house, an’ that, and um, furniture’s moving about all the time.

Steve: Oh God.

Karl: And all that.

Ricky: Oh this is- Steve he told me this one, this is such rubbish, mate.

Steve: Now come on let’s listen let’s-

Ricky: No really this is- I’m gonna sit back and enjoy, I’m just gonna watch your face, Steve.

Steve: Alright sorry so I- just the beginning there, Karl, there’s a-

Karl: So uh basically Nick’s auntie-

Steve: Right.

Karl: Um… in the house things moving around all the time and it was just annoying everytime she tidied up. It was like-

Steve: It’s just annoying.

Karl: -making a mess.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It was one part annoying to two parts scary.

Ricky: Yeah yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh dear.

Karl: So stuff was- stuff was moving around all the time and they said, “Right rather than-

Ricky: Right we need a housekeeper, yeah.

Karl: -rather than having the house a mess uh, until we sort this out-

Steve: Stop it!

Ricky laughs

Steve: I’ve got the vicar coming round. Stop moving stuff around.

Ricky: I love this. Oh yeah go on.

Karl: -they said-

Ricky: That should be in the pants drawer.

Steve laughs

Karl: -let’s put all the furniture in one room, right.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So that, just have one room that’s a mess. And have all the others empty.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I love the poltergeist can’t really- he can move fur- wardrobes around but he can’t open a door to put it in another room.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Poltergeist’s going, “Ohhh, I’m just making this room messy. I wish someone would open the door so I could…” Go on.

Karl: Yeah but so- so all this stuff’s in this room.

Steve: So they moved all their furniture into one room?

Karl: Everything. They put like the drawers in there everything and it was really uncomfortable cos they were all like on top of each other.

Steve: They sat in the room with all the stuff?

Karl: Yeah, they had to cos that’s where their three piece suite was.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Oh God. Oh God.

Karl: So they sat there, right, all crumpled up and that. Nothing can move cos it’s so tight. Things- I think things were trying to move.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

Karl: But everything was so tight it just-

Ricky: They foxed that poltergeist.

Karl: So um, so anyway one night they sat there like, sort of a bit awkward watching the telly and that. And um, they hear some banging-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -in the next room. So uh, she goes, “Oh God what’s that?”

Steve: Oh he hadn’t moved in had he? The ghost. Some of the empty rooms, he moved some friends and family in.

Karl: There’s this banging about going on so she gets up, right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And what it is, they had the baby in the next room cos it wasn’t much room for the cot.

Steve: Right, they left the baby in with the ghost.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: So they go into the room where the baby is

Steve gasps

Karl: and the banging-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It’s like- d’you know those plastic balls you get that you can chuck round the room and like, they go mental?

Steve: Right.

Karl: The ones that you chuck once and you can bounce around like crazy.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: That was bouncing round the room.

Steve: Wow, what the baby had thrown it?

Karl: Hitting all the walls and the baby was there stood in the cot sort of laughing.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And looking at the ball and wherever it looked the ball went.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And then she said, uh, she said, “Stop doing that.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And the ball just stopped.

Steve: Did it?

Karl: And it- and it rolled a bit and stopped.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: So the baby had thrown the ball and it was watching it as it bounced around the room.

Karl: Well it wasn’t throwing it. It was in control of it.

Ricky: No the point is, Steve, the baby had been doin- it had been the baby all along.

Karl: The baby had been messing with the furniture. It was the baby that had the power.

Steve: so it was super baby?

Karl: It’s the baby that had the power. Special power.

Ricky: It’s a baby with the power.

Steve: Wh-wh-what’s the power?

Ricky: It’s a baby that had the power. The power of telekinesis.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They were then trying to convince me that uh, telekinesis was not like all the other stuff that I didn’t believe in. But that was a science.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Telekinesis was possible.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah it’s not- it’s not like ghosts and demons and uh all that stuff. Telekinesis is different.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s a science. Um-

Karl: But Nick, but Nick’s auntie saw it and-

Ricky: I love the fact that you are telling me that someone else’s auntie saw it.

Steve laughs

Ricky: So I should be- I should be satisfied with that. I- I should be satisfied with that. I mean-

Steve: So does she still live in one room with all her possessions?

Karl: No I think-

Ricky: The baby grew out of it apparently.

Karl: It- it grew up.

Ricky: The baby grew out of it.

Steve: So it doesn’t use its telekinesis powers anymore?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Well no it’s like in Carrie, innit? She- she was upset for a bit and then she got over it.

Ricky: Ok, I’m just gonna say one thing, Karl, um, that was a film. Do you wanna play a record or?

Karl groans

Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies?

The Vines - Get Free

The Fire, the Wife, and the Cat

Ricky: The Vines “Get Free” alright, on Xfm 104.9. Can I just tell you the story that Karl told me couple of weeks ago?

Steve: Is this another ghost story?

Ricky: Yeah it is yeah. Um… uh, I called up, I said, “What are you doing?” He said, “Ah,” he said, “I’ve just been reading ghost stories again.” He went th- and he said, right, he said, “You don’t believe in them but how do you explain this.” Right, I went, “Go on,” he said, uh, I’ll tell you as he told me it, he went, “Um, bloke right, just sittin’ at home, just sittin’ at home doin’ ya know, watchin’ telly with his cat. And, uh, the phone rings and it’s a bloke going uh, ‘Oh, uh, is that fire uh, in your oven okay now? Um, cause your wife called.’” And he went- Karl went, “Well, one there was no fire in the oven. Two he wasn’t married.”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: I went, “Right, go on,” he went, “Well, then right, there was a knock at the door and there was two sort of people in sort of white coats and they’re going-" he said, "'Oh we’ve come about that fire. Your wife called us.'" He went, "'One, there isn’t a fire in my oven and two, I’m not even married, alright.'" And he said they saw the cat and they sort of, they looked at the cat and looked a bit weird at the cat, and the cat kind of… like that. And uh, he said, “And then he went back and sat down phone rings and it’s a door saying, ‘Did they sort out the fire in your oven that your wife told us about.’”

Steve: Oooo.

Ricky: He went, “One, there is no fire in my oven. Two I haven’t got a wife.” And Karl went, “What’d you think of that?” I went, “That’s not it.” He went, “Yeah,” I went…

Steve: That’s the end of the story?

Ricky: What, what, what? He went, “Well how do you explain that?” I went, “Explain what?” I thought he was gonna say…

Steve laughs

Ricky: A year later he got married but she died in an oven fire. Right, I thought it was gonna be like that and I went-

Steve: That’s people winding him up.

Ricky: Yeah, or- or um someone did report a fire in the oven and their name was Johnson and they looked up Johnson they got the wrong thing it was the gas board right. And they sent round to the wrong person, right. Do you not even- yeah, he went, “Yeah,” I said- uh I explained it to him. He went, “Yeah, why did they look at the cat funny?”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Oh man alive, Karl. This is really weird, right. I was um- I was uh, in my house once, right, and the doorbell rang-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right, I open the door and there was no one there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right. And then I looked across the street and-

Ricky: There were some kids running-

Steve: There were some kids running away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now how do you explain that?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There was another time, right, where like I opened the door and there was a bloke going, “You’ve ordered pizza.” I went, “I haven’t ordered pizza.” And I heard my mate upstairs giggling and putting the phone down.

Ricky: Yeah how do you explain that? Karl, seriously what did you- why did you tell me that story and what did you think- what do you think that was weird about that?

Karl: The fact that it was three different people…

Steve: Is this all the informa- is that the entire story that you’ve-

Karl: It was three different people hassling him about-

Steve: Did you fall asleep and not make it to the end?

Karl: -a fire that didn’t happen, about a wife that didn’t exist, and a cat that didn’t look happy.

Ricky explodes with laughter

Ricky: Oh I’m gonna have a heart attack, Karl. What- I mean why- why did they look at the cat funny?

Karl: Because cats don’t- don’t like um, spirits do they?

Ricky: What, the other blokes were ghosts?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep that’s it, that’s-

Steve: These are kind of beadle about type ghosts.

Ricky laughs

Steve: These are ghosts who walk the st- walk the earth as the undead just winding people up slightly.

Ricky: That’s lovely. That is lovely.

Steve: But seriously Karl-

Ricky: A cat that did not look happy.

Steve: But seriously why would ghosts wander around just like winding people up?

Ricky: Oh.

Karl: Maybe something did happen there years ago. Some fire, some woman might have died in that house of a fire or something.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh, it sort of all happened again.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. It’s certainly a mystery.

Ricky: It’s a mystery, I mean I can’t- I can’t-

Steve: What’s this book you were reading? You were reading a book which is interesting enough.

Karl: It was um, it was the Fortean- The Fortean Times.

Steve: Oh, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Well I don’t-

Steve: Man alive.

Ricky: I dunno what to say.

Steve: Well I tell you this Karl here is a track that will spook you right out. This is Warren Zevon from what was it, about 1979? Early 80’s?

Ricky: Oh great track.

Steve: ”Werewolves of London” play this Karl, but don’t be scared.

Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London