25 January 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 25 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

There Was This Woman Who's Got a Big Head

Song: Feeder - Just the Way I'm Feelin'

Ricky: There you go, Feeder, Just the Way I'm Feelin' on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We've got a great show lined up this week haven't we?

Steve: Go on, what have you got planned?

Ricky: Oh well I've got songs from David Bowie, Thin Lizzy, Gene, ACDC, you heard Feeder there, you've got... ohhh... th- ohh... Smiths! All that, we've got a great feature - a new feature. Urm, spoke to Karl in the week and we worked out a new feature where um, people are gonna give him sort of like problems to solve, they could be scenarios - they could be management scenarios at work, you know, problem solving, things like that, organising things, he's a very good organizer. I'll tell you wha- I'll tell you what happened; he's dropping Do We Need 'Em 'cos he's getting fed up with scientists... He thinks there's a conspiracy and they're getting together and they're never gonna lose an animal.

Steve: (Laughing) Right...

Ricky: So he's fed up with that. Urr... Rockbusters, we've got some great prizes, urr...

Steve: Well. Have you seen them yet?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Be careful.

Ricky: They're not gonna be great are they.

Steve: I just peeked in, and all I'm gonna say to you is: Fools and Horses Christmas Special?

Ricky: Not the one with the little car?

Steve: The little car, yeah.

Ricky: Brilliant, that is excellent. Karl, what have you got to say for yourself? Hold on, it was a rollover wasn't it, 'cos you really mucked up Rockbusters last time. What was he doi- saying? FP for the whole thing - no, FD he was saying, and it was Freda Payne.

Steve: Have you written the clues down this week, 'cos that seems like an obvious way to improve this.

Karl: Yeah... I write the clues down-

Ricky: The week before he couldn't remember what the answer was.

Steve: Yeah! (Laughing)

Karl: Yeah, but... you know, learn by your mistakes an' that.

Ricky: You don't.

Steve laughs

Karl: Mmm. So yeah-

Ricky: Shall I give you a sort of taster?

Karl sighs

Ricky: We were having a pizza, in a pizza establishment urr... when was it, Wednesday or Thursday? And urr he was going "I'm a good organizer, I'm a good problem solver, give me any- any scenario, right?" Obviously he didn't say scenario. Um, and I went "OK then, so you're the manager of this place, and there's a couple there, a lovely couple, they're about 60. They've had a lovely meal". He went "yep, right". I went "but, th- the gentleman; he's got a little bit of a heart condition and he takes a pill, after his meal, as he should afterwards. Ahh- he's only taken viagra.

Steve: Oooh.

Ricky: And now he's stuck in!

Steve: Wedged in?

Ricky: Wedged in, it's gon-

Steve: We've all been there.

Ricky: It's gone, and it's stopping him getting out from the table so what would you do? And he went "what, he's stuck in 'cos of his dick?" I went "yeah" he went "right...". He said "I'd use the situation, I'd make cash - I'd say 'you're not going anywhere, do you want a pudding?'"

Steve laughs

Steve: Entrepreneurial, I like it Karl.

Ricky: And he went "so that's sorted, I've got the job an' that, next"? I went "OK, anoth- ooh, you won't believe it. The next day, there's a little problem in the toilets, two gay men were having sex and they got stuck!

Steve: In each other?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, and he went "Right. I'd say is it the same fella ye- as yesterday with the viagra? If so, why was he let in again, who was on the door"?

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: I went "it's not. It's two different people". He di- he goes "right".

Steve: (Imitating Karl's questions) Does his wife know he's cheating on him?

{{Ricky|(Laughing) Yeah! He went "Right, I'd go down, I- I'd go"- and then he went "(angrily) Ohh, I'd say 'this isn't a restaraunt problem, call an ambulance.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Strictly speaking not a restaraunt problem, no!

Karl: But am I right?

Ricky: Huh?

Karl: Am I right?

Ricky: Well... I dunno.

Karl: Would you give me the job, if- if say like you were the boss of that restaraunt an-

Ricky: Do you- Do you know what I like about this? At no point did he say "Gervais, why're you being so mental"?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Why would someone get stuck 'cos they took viagra by mistake, and two people would get stuck in each other and-

Steve: But you've heard the stories from his past-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: That is a perfectly legitimate situation to find himself in!

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah yeah! What would you do if there was two fellas with big heads and webbed feet, and they had a horse in a- (Imitating Karl) "Well, what I'd do is-" What would you do, what did you do when you first saw 'em?

Karl: When I saw the urr...

Ricky: The kids-

Karl: Lads with big heads?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Uhmm, I though-

Steve: We should very quickly remind people if they didn't listen to that particular show, urr... they were- they had webbed hands? Did they, or webbed feet?

Karl: Well, they- they had webbed hands.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And big heads.

Steve: And enormous heads.

Karl: But it wasn't related.

Ricky: (Bemused) But they weren't related?

Steve: I dunno - they were completely seperate people.

Karl: No no, no but I'm saying that the webbed hands isn't due to the fact they've got a big head.

Steve: No, sure.

Karl: It's two different things, they were just unlucky.

{{Ricky|No, Hold on, if they weren't related, and they both had webbed hands and big heads, I'm saying there was a condition that had- that was related that had those two con-/]]

Karl: I don't think there was.

Ricky: So what do you think the chances of that are? They're not related, and he goes "Oh, you've got a big head and webbed hands as well". "Yeah, it's just a coincidence, 'innit."

Karl: Yep. I don- I honestly don't think it was related.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Because I've- I've seen I've- I've since seen th- the same problem again on another kid with a big head. His hands look good.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Right, so you think the big head is just a seperate issue.

Karl: Yeah, it's a totally different illness. It's like having a headache and a cold at the same time.

Steve: Right, so not all connected.

Karl: But the weird thing is right-

Ricky keeps chuckling

Karl: Lookin- looking round in the week at weird stuff on the urr... on the internet. There's this woman who's got a big head.

Steve: Aaah, yeah.

Karl: And urmm... She was fed up with it because when she was walking down the street, it was so big she couldn't hold it up.

Ricky starts laughing

Steve: (Confused) Right... she couldn't hold it up...

Ricky: (Laughing) Oh god! For god's sake!

Steve: No, keep- shut up! She couldn't hold it up.

Karl: So when she was walking, sh- her eyes were hurting because she had to sort of look up all the time 'cos her head was that heavy, her chin was sort of balanced on her chest.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right?

Steve: She'd have to peek up- yeah.

Karl: So urr, she goes to the doctors, and this was after years and years and said you know "I thought I could put up with it but I can't".

Ricky: How big was her head?

Steve: It's big, Rick.

Karl: I- I don't know if it was like big, 'cos there wasn't a picture, I don't know if it was just big or alot of bone, so it was heavy.

Ricky: Right, like the Elephant Man just outcrops.

Karl: Yeah, so urr... the doctor said "Yeah. Urrm, we can sort that out. Urmm, but we'll have to take your head off".

Ricky: (Angrily) Right. OK, so-

Steve: No, keep going!

Karl: No, 'cos I- again, I... What you don't seem to understand is I have the same reaction to you when I s- see it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What?

Steve: You're quizzical yourself. You're suspicious.

Karl: So they looked at it. They took her head off, urmm... Chipped away a bit of the bone.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: Made her head lighter. Put it back on.

Pause

Steve laughs

Ricky: Right, play The Smiths.

Steve: (Scornfully) They took a woman's head off!

Ricky: Yeah. This is Ask by The Smiths.

Steve: (Mock DJ tone) And if you'd like to ask Karl something, details coming up soon!

Song: The Smiths - Ask