25 June 2005

Xfm Series 4 May 2005 - July 2005 List of episodes

Episodes: 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I) 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II) 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III) 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV) 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V) 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant present the penultimate show, number 5 of 6.

Track Listing

1. Checklist

There's an ambiguity over how many shows there is left; Merchant's confused but it's resolved. Karl confirms the presence of Rockbusters, Knob News, Monkey News and Song With A Story. Steve suggests a new feature; "Fanny Facts". Ricky cuts to Thin Lizzzy

2. Celebrity Leech Island

Ricky will miss the show but he calles Karl anyway; for example, "the other day" Karl informed Gervais of a caterpillar that fell from the sky. After a few seconds, the Manc realised that it had been dropped by a bird, and sat around watching it. Ricky suggests that the caterpillar thought that Karl was his mother, and that even though it was concussed, it still knew more about the world than Karl, who thinks that the larvae has "feet" and he wonders "Whoever gave him them legs, what's the point if they don't know where they're goin' an' that?", one of the great questions of our time. Pilkington compares a caterpillar to a leech in it's pointlessness, although a leech can find it's way to blood from a maze, according to Ricky. If the leech is liquidised and fed to another leech, then the sated leech knows the same route by chemical memory. Gervais suggests trying the same experiment with humans; "Blend up Abi Titmuss," "feed her to another slapper," "and see if they can find their way to channel 5", "hosted by Jimmy Carr," "that'd be amazing." Gervais stutteringly tells us.

3. Reality Trash

Karl recaps the leech experiment, where they "find their way to the bit of cheese", and wonders how scientists found it out, suggesting that they found it out accidentally. Gervais does a sketch where two boffins are messing around, and when "Mr. Yakamoto" comes round they chuck some leeches in a blender, which "looks like science, I'm off," according to the fictional Yakamoto. Pilki wonders what would happen if two leeches with two different routes were fed to a leech, which is a valid point that Gervais dismisses. Karl wonders if it can be done with humans. The example he gives is if Einstein died while writing "E=mc2", could his brain be fed to someone else to complete it. The answer is no according to Ricky, but he does say that Karl is like a scientist as he constantly questions things. Science annoys Karl. The link of leeches to Big Brother is made, Gervais is angered by the introduction of three new housemates, "low esteem model," "Mr. Bean," and "Matt Lucas in a bikini", who immediately got a breast out, and then later said, "oooh, me minge." Steve wonders if her family is ashamed of her, Ricky says that the sad thing is that the families will probably be proud, as she was on telly. The two writers then lament the state of Big Brother; "like ants in a jar," Gervais says, who confesses that he watches in the hope that a housemate gets hurt or dies.

4. Saving Private Karl (from the cows)

Karl's been on holiday again, which annoys Ricky (the workaholic that he is). Pilkington went to see his "mam and dad" in Wales, where he and Suzanne took the thieving father to an exhibition featirong 6 foot gnomes, but because they're thrifty with money, they avoided the entrance fee by sneaking in via 4 fields of cows, who "surrounded" the Mancs, which panicked Suzanne. Gervais is surprised that Karl's dad didn't steal an unnatended cow, like the phone box incident. They escaped eventually, but could have been killed, as the cows had "kids" and were protective. Karl says that it was the highlight of the holiday. On returning to London, Karl went to Ricky's house, where the fat funnyman exposed himself to Pilkington. The BAFTA winner had his penis out, no shirt on, and with a cigar; "a mess" according to Karl, who famously hates nudity.

5. Putting the "Fun" back into "Funeral"

Steve confirms the cow killing story, which Gervais thinks would be a horrible way to die, due to the "humour aspect", a la death by falling safe on head. Steve says that a man died by mooning, Gervais has heard the same thing, only with a truck involved. As mooning is such a bad joke, Steve thinks it's almost karmic, saying that standing on a rake to death would be worthwhile. Karl discusses Michelle McMans us "You are what you eat." ("What'd she eaten? Girls Aloud?" Steve quips.) The three geniuses admit that they liked the Pop Idol flop by the end, but did not like the doctor, Gillian McKeith, who isn't actually a doctor. Steve says that she has a "witch-like crone face", Karl says that her methods are pointless, and that he'd never have colonic irrigation like McManus did, as he doesn't understand it. The clear tube puts him off, he compares it to long running TV show "The Generation Game", with things whizzing past that must be remembered. Again, Karl wonders how it was discovered, much like the leeches. Steve arbitrarily wonders who actually eats a Pepperami (my independant research tells me that it's mainly fat skinheads), saying that the meat product looks like something found down the back of the oven. He also wonders if anybody other than the homeless drinks "Special Brew", and suggests that the marketing campaign could start with, "Are you trying to sleep on Tottenham Court Court Road?"

6. Monkey? Mouse? Bollocks

Knob News time. The story is about a mouse who is "walking about, wearing a monkey's testicle". Karl questions the point of the experiment, saying that unless the same can be done for human testes then there's no reason. Karl says that the mouse didn't look good, and is surprised that the monkey sperm hadn't been replaced by the mouses's; "that's weird." Ricky tries to explain that it was only for nutrients and wouldn't alter it's biological state, and explains that a human testicle could be kept on a mouse too, and jokes that bulldogs are doing that anyway. Steve complains that Knob News has been changed to Testicle Time. Karl ponders the debate of animal testing, which Gervais derails by berating the Manc's intellect. Karl then says that Science has no point, Rikcy says that he would if he read beyond the headline of a story. Karl once agrued with an animal rights protester, saying that if the mouse had a headache then it's a good thing to give it aspirin. The protester got annoyed and didn't want to listen any more, tied up with Karl's logic. Now, Rockbusters, with Ladder 49 as always:

1. "When I'm ill I throw up horse food, how does that work, what's going on there?" - IH

2. "That garden tool, it's not yours, what are you doing with it, give it back, what's going on there?" - ND

3. "That male sheep sounds fed up, why is he fed up, what's gone on?" - TR

7. 2005: The Year of the Mammoth

Science does Karl's head in, he says that he'd rather have lived in the past. He tells of a group of scientists who are "knocking together" a mammoth. Karl says that they aren't needed and would take up too much space in the world, and that the eggheads are only doing it "because they can", like all the things like that. Karl says that if the mammoth mattered the Noah would have saved it. Ricky says that Noah never happened. Karl's only doubt is Noah's location; "where is he wheres there's a hippo and a hamster knockin' about?". Karl gets muddles over what subject they are on, which Gervais blasts him for, then does a sketch based on the story of Noah. Karl says that Noah should have used that as an opportunity to have an animal clear out. Pilky rounds off the link by declaring, "Don't mess about with a mammoth." Karl gets annoyed that Gervais doesn't take him seriously, so has a go at Ricky's cat, he doesn't like it, neither does Steve, as it leaps up at his "goolies" (That cat's got special powers to jump that high). Karl doesn't like cats, and says that Dick Whittington shouldn't have taken one, he should have taken "a mate who knows the way."

8. Arse of Pain

Ricky tells Karl of a waste of technology that he didn't like; was strips. Gervais's girfriend, Jane, tried to wax him back. Gervais said "Forget it!". He tells of the "Back, crack and sack" wax, (no explanation needed from me). Karl's issue with the procedure is that order, "if it hurts the back, it's going to hurt the sack.", he says it should be done "sack, crack and back... definitely,", although he doesn't know where people are going where the condition of the sack matters, definitely not nudists he says, as they're all about being natural, like the seaweed smuggling woman. Ricky correctly says that it's mainly gay men, Steve wants one to phone in (ooh hello etc.)

9. Wheelchair Tonight

Brace yourself for Karl's stupidity, as this week's "Song With a Story" is Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight." He is convinced that the former Cream guitarist is singing about a woman whose husband is wheelchair bound. His evidence for this claim is that she is always asking him "do you feel alright?". The lyric "walking around with me," Karl interprets as her pushing him around. The people at the party turn to look at the couple, although they actually look at the "beatiful lady", not the man. The wife drives him home and puts him to bed ("'cause he's drunk!" Gervais interjects). A good moment is when Karl sings the word "leg" over the word "head" in the lyric "I've got an aching head". However, the man turns out the light; "his hands work," Karl defends. Ricky and Steve say that Karl is wrong, and that Suzanne's correct.

10. Dying? Go For A Swim

Karl wonders what makes him happy. He's reading science, but "Knowledge is annoying." He read about a list of things to do before death, at number one was to swim with dolphins. Karl doesn't want to do this as "If I'm ill, I'd be in no mood for a dip." The round headed imbecile thinks that "Things to do before you die" means things to do when you are terminally ill, as opposed to spreading the things out over a lifetime. This amuses Rikcy, who does a sketch where somebody's Grandad wants to get in the water from his deathbed. Karl doesn't like travelling, Steve does; he met a vigilante in Kenya who restored justice to the area. Ricky compares that tale to Karl's upbringing in Manchester. Rockbuster answers:

1. IH- Isaac Hayes (I sick hays)

2. ND- Nick Drake (nicked rake)

3. TR - The Ramones (the ram moans)

Jenny McKean from Isle of Wight got those clues.

11. Bassline Chimp

Monkey News closes the show. In Pittsbugh, a rock band were recording in a studio, complete with a monkey who works there. An A&R man came to listen and particularly liked the bass on the song. "We haven't got a bassist," the band say. As it transpired, it was the monkey playing bass. "Ah forget it," Karl groans and cuts to ads as Ricky prepares to criticise.

Playlist

Forever Lost - Magic Numbers

Don't Believe a Word - Thin Lizzy

Better Things - The Kinks

Pushing The Senses - Feeder

Landed - Ben Folds

World - New Order

Best Of You - Foo Fighters

She Really Wants You - Aimee Mann

Unknown - Turin Brakes

Where'd All The Good People Go - Jack Johnson

Making Plans For Nigel - XTC

Extras

Transcript Here When It's Done

Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/uf06c7

http://rapidshare.de/files/32357990/s04e05.mp3

http://www.f-forge.com?d=gOJk5631HIBvCt0esAhp

See Also

• Xfm Series 1
• Xfm Series 2
• Xfm Series 3