26 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 26 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

How Old're You?

Song: Blur - Out Of Time

Ricky: Blur, 'Out Of Time' on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchent, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Steve's a bit quiet, he's got a bit of a sore throat.

Steve: Oh, a bit of a sore throat? Murder, all week, it's been murder Rick.

Ricky: It's...we couldn't work all this week, um..

Steve: I've been off sick.

Ricky: Steve's been in Brist...Karl. You're not impressed.

Karl: It's just, I d...I don't understand why having a sore throat, sort of...

Ricky: Oooooh. Oh he's done you.

Steve: Right. What if the sore throat was so painful it was like you've got broken glass and razor blades in your throat? You can hear now I'm not even speaking from down in my throat, I'm speaking from the top of it like that so it sounds a bit weird.

Karl: But you're right.

Steve: What?

Karl: Your hands are alright aren't they?

Steve: Yeah but we talk when we're writing don't we and I can barely talk. It was in mur..I was in agony, I couldn't sleep because it was so painful even when I was just lying there, motionless, it was hurting.

Karl: I, I just was surprised ‘cos I got back off holiday and er, called Ricky and said “Alright? Is Steve alright?” and her said er, oh he’s had to go back home or something and he’s stayed ‘cos he, he’s got a sore throat.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I didn’t understand why you can’t just, like, go home, I mean y…, how old are you?

Ricky giggles nervously

Steve: What?

Karl: I don’t understand why you gotta’ be at your Mam and Dads when you should be ill?

Ricky: 29.

Steve: I happened to be at me Mam and Dads, ma Mam and Dads, now I’m talking like you, when, when this, this sore throat really kicked in.

Karl: Mm.

Steve: So I thought I’ll stay and get a bit of the creature comforts’ of home.

Karl: D’you know what I pictured though when, when he told me?

Steve: You see my parents aren’t like yours Karl. Your, your father would have popped down to the phone box and maybe looked to see if there was any kind of throat lozenges.

Ricky: Strepsils.

Steve: Yeah, where as my Mum phones up the doctor first thing she can, I’m straight down there with my Dad. They’re snapping into action, they’re trying to sort me out.

Karl: Mm. Bit like that Robbie Corbett thing in’it?

Ricky giggles

Steve: What?

Ricky: “Sorry”!

Karl: That “Sorry”.

Ricky starts laughing and clapping

Steve: You’re right Karl, yes your absolutely right, it is just like that.

Ricky: Ohh dear.

Karl: Nah, it’s just ‘cos…

Steve: You just went on holiday with your parents!

Karl: But not wi…, not with mine.

Steve: No, right.

Karl: Suzanne’s and it won’t be happening again! So, that’s that sorted.

Ricky: Well, well we, we’ll have more of that a little bit later.

Karl: Pain in the arse.

Ricky: Well luckily we’ve…, we came in a few times didn’t we? We, we’ve been here since about half eleven haven’t we?

Karl: Yeah. Sorting stuff out.

Ricky: Doin’ a show.

Steve: What, and have you been squeezing his head or…?

Ricky: Er, no that’s strictly between the hours of 1 and 3, we established that and I’ve kept to the rules haven’t I? I did practice the grip in the week didn’t I?

Karl: Yeah, just to see what method he was gonna’ use today.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, I came in, I, I did my back on Tuesday, I was sparring and I pulled my back and I was in agony and I had to get an emergency um, chiropractor out and sort it out and I c…couldn’t, I was on painkillers and I couldn’t walk the next day but I still came in and did a voice-over that was booked for 4.30, didn’t I? I got Johnny to walk me in ‘cos I couldn’t site down so I couldn’t take a cab but I could be upright and had to walk r…, he, got him to walk me in ‘cos I was scared someone was going to bump into me, and I did the voice over. That’s dedication in’nit?

Karl: Yeah, but…right. I got back off holiday on the er, Tuesday right, um, first day back was going to be on the Wednesday right? So I thought I’ll take it easy ‘cos you do that don’t you when you been on holiday.

Steve: Hmm.

Karl: The first day you just wanna sort of…

Ricky clicks his fingers

Ricky: Not me, I’m straight back into it.

Steve: Well, same here.

Karl: But, but it’s nice to, d’you know what I mean? Er, just sort of look at your e-mails, go through all them, work out what people need, for stuff.

Steve: Doss around, doss around, yeah sure.

Karl: Erm, so I thought I’ll take it easy, soon as I got in I was told that Ricky had been booked in to do a voice-over and I thought “Awww. Can’t handle that.” You know what I mean, on the first day, him coming in annoying me probably trying to get a weeks worth of head squeezing in.

Ricky muffles laughter

Karl: So I thought aw, so I called him up and he said “Oh I might not come in as I’ve got a bad back,” so I thought that’s alright, right? Er, then you just turned up didn’t you, said “Oh, managed to get a cab” er…

Ricky: Yeah Johnny walked me in, it’s sort…yeah…

Karl: He did, he did the stuff which, I haven’t got it here at the moment but I’ll, I’ll find it on the system and I’ll play you what he did.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: That he’s been paid to do.

Ricky: It’s alright! See you…

Karl: Well, well it’s not alright, I had to pretend it was alright when I had to play it to all my bosses to try and persua…

Ricky sniggers again

Ricky: Well it’s, well look that’s play that a little bit later but now, as we’re all back together Steve would you say the boys are back in town?

Steve: Yep. Brilliant.

Song: Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town

Froggy Says Buy It

Ricky: Thin Lizzy. “Boys Are Back In Town” on XFM 104.9, right? We are back in town.

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Me, Steve and Karl. Karl’s been on holiday.

Steve sighs.

Ricky: Steve’s been living with his mother cos’ he had a sore throat. I’ve, I’ve been hobbling around still tryin’ t…

Steve: You know what, what…

Ricky: Trying to keep things going.

Steve: You know why I think I was ill? Stress. I genuinely think it was stress. So I think, I’m beginning, er no, I’m analyzing it and…

Ricky: What do you think of that Karl?

Steve: But I’ll tell you what it is. Look, think about it though, look, we live in London, we got the war, the threat of terrorist activity…

Karl: That’s where I live, I’m alright. Next one.

Steve: We got SARS.

Ricky: One.

Steve: Yeah but you can walk to work I gotta travel on the Tube, I came in this morning, saw a Chinaman sneeze, I was terrified. S Club 7, they’ve split up!

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: I mean, like, I worry about those sort of people. They’re young kids, they’re talented guys I mean they say they’re going to be alright, I’m not sure Tina is, I’m not sure she’s got the talent. So, there’s just so many elements that scare…

Ricky: I remember you were worried about Hear’Say.

Steve: Well…

Ricky: Kym Marsh is doing alright.

Steve: Oh, Kym’s doing fine but she got out early.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

Steve: But you know I’m not sure the rest of them will be.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, I’m just…

Ricky: You’re quite emotional.

Steve: I gotta worry about the show, you got me worried about this, you know…

Karl: It’s just me I, I’ve never been that good when like anyone in the family’s ill or anything, I’ve just got, just because that’s the way I am, you know what I mean, if I’m ill I don’t expect people to run about after me.

Ricky: No, I’ve never been off for being ill, I mean you were a couple of weeks ago.

Karl: Yeah but that’s, that…

Steve: Hang on I’ve not missed, I’ve missed either of the shows, I’m, I’m ill today but I’m still here. You, you took, I seem to remember you took, er, you took a show off when you were ill.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re winging…

Karl: But I was really ill.

Steve: Mm, right. Sure.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: I couldn’t, I couldn’t even walk to work though.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That’s what I mean.

Steve: You go to the doctors?

Karl: No. I was too ill to get there.

Steve: Right.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: That’s how bad I was.

Steve: Did…did you call a doctor out?

Karl: Nope.

Steve: Oh. Interesting.

Karl: But it’s just that thing, I mean we were talking about it last night ‘cos I was saying to Suzanne and I said “Ohh Steve’s, you know he’s been living at home all week.” She said “Oh is he”…

Ricky: I love the way he talks about you behind your back as well!

Steve: Fine.

Karl: And er, she said, er…

Ricky: Malingering. Malingering geek she said.

Karl: And er, said he’s got a sore throat or something.

Ricky: She went “Sore throat?”

Karl: So er, she said “Well you don’t know how serious it is don’t be, y’know, don’t be off hand with him tomorrow, ‘cos, y’know, if he’s coming in and if he’s still not right.” ‘Cos she’s, she always sticks up for you.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah? Erm, and she said…

Steve: She’s got common sense.

Karl: She said “Anyway, you’re no good when people are ill.” I said “Hang on what you talkin’ about?” So erm, apparently when we first sort of started going out…

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: The first time she was ill she kind of thought she saw the real me.

Steve chuckles.

Karl: She was ill in bed, as I was like “Ohh just get up!”

Ricky and Steve snigger.

Steve: Of course you can drink these, you can drink alcohol with these!

Karl: And I was just like y’know, you make yourself feel worse if you lie in bed. I said “Come on we need to go shopping”.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: And she said “You go shopping.”, I said “No, I’m rubbish at shopping for food.” D’y’know what I mean? I’m alright at getting that nights food but once it starts like, you gotta plan.

Steve: Sure, yeah, you’re dropping the bananas, you’re…

Karl: Yeah, I forget all sorts of stuff.

Ricky: Cous cous all over the floor.

Karl: And she was like, she was like feelin’ hot and that, said I got a temperature, so well come to the supermarket and hang about in the chicken, frozen chicken section.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Cool yourself down.

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: Erm, it, it made her worse. So now she was like remember that and I was like, yeah.

Ricky: Who’s that, who’s that hot woman sitting in the chicken fillets?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s Karl’s girlfriend, she’s obviously ill again.

Karl: Even, even when I was younger, you know I told you when I was picked at school to give old people biscuits?

Steve: Right, yes.

Ricky: Was ‘cos you had nice hands wasn’t it?

Karl: And nice nails.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, and then I went down a storm at that.

Ricky: Down a storm at that! Bravo! Get him back with the Garibaldi’s; he’s the best I’ve ever had, bravo! What do you mean you went down a storm?!

Karl: ‘Cos I’m into biscuits.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: You knew your stuff!

Karl: I was more concerned about them.

Ricky: I’m into biscuits!

Karl: Right so…

Ricky continues to laugh.

Steve: Did you make sure they finished the first layer before you dipped into the second layer?

Karl: Nah, there’s no rules like that.

Steve: No rules.

Karl: Just what do you want, what do you fancy?

Steve: What you want.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So um, because I was good at that, we, we were going to a er,an old peoples home where they’re a bit iller, rather than just being old, they were like, ill.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky is still chuckling.

Karl: And I said nah, not, not doing that.

Steve: Not going there.

Karl: As they’re old people.

Ricky: They didn’t want biscuits.

Karl: Yeah, that’s it really.

Ricky: They want surgery. So er, yeah that’s…

Steve: Did you have to dunk them in tea before you fed ‘em to them?

Karl: No it was just like y’know…

Steve: Did you have to feed them like pigeons?

Ricky: Did, did you have to chew their food then stick it down their throat with your face?

Steve: Yeah, like a little bird?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Just a little trolley, right, erm, a lad who I didn’t really get on with, he, he had good nails as well so he was serving the tea.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I just had a chat and said oh, do you want a biscuit with that?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: What about this one? Do you like Bourbons?

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Oh, you did the whole…

Steve: Right, so it wasn’t like they had a choice, you just offered a selection?

Karl: Well I sort of sold the, the thing is there’s only so many so you’ve got to handle the situation well.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You don’t want too many wanting one type so it’s like, well you’ve had a Bourbon…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky squeals with laughter.

Ricky: What a great life they lead! They only pay about £900 quid a week to stay in that particular home.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And they get a free Bourbon by a kid with clean nails. Brilliant. Whoop-de-hoo!

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Ohh.

Karl: So anyway I’ve found these, er, things, do ya…?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! So what is it?

Steve: Explain this again.

Karl: So I got back of holiday, the first job I found out I’ve gotta do is work with Ricky for a voice-over.

Ricky: I do a regular thing, I do X-Ray magazine but I’m allowed to make the script up and they said I could so I did.

Karl: Right, so, imagine this.

Steve: Well I know you Rick and I know you like to put a lot of work into these things!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You want to do a good job.

Karl: So he rolls up, he says “Let’s do it then”, he said “What’s in the magazine?” and I said “Well here’s a selection of stuff, this is what you gotta sell.” He said “Leave it with me.”

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Um, he goes into the little booth, um, and the first one he comes up with is this little advert for it, right?

Ricky: (As a slurring old drunk) Uuuh uhhhh X-Ray Magazine, it’s out now it’s £3.50, May edition. Ah…m…music of tomorrow, Dandy Warhols, Picture and there’s a free CD with all the Placebo and the Donnas, and…th.Smog and Nightmares On Wax, Alpine Allstars, it’s only £3.50 it’s out now, buy it, in’nit. Meh.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Have you got a sore throat there?

Ricky: Well that’s alright in’nit? And he was going you can’t, I said we are doing that, I’ve done one, that’s it, that’s it! So I persuaded him, he went “Right, ok. We can POSSIBLY put that on XFM, right, I’ll have to see. Right”. I wouldn’t do it again, he went “But you need one for Capital”, he said Capital will no way, I went “Right I’ll do one more for Capital” an…

Karl: And for all other stations that advertise the XFM magazine, right, so this, this is the er, the one he thought would be alright for them.

Ricky starts chuckling to himself

Ricky: (As a hyperactive maniac) ooooooOOOOOOO! ‘Ello you loonies in radio land! Doctor Frog here to tell you about the new edition of X-Ray magazine, it’s out now and it’s only £3.50, not heard of it, it’s a great music magazine and you get a free CD featuring bands like Placebo, they wear make up but leave ‘em alone, Goldchain, Smog, OK-Go, The Donnas, an’ all great bands that you…you’ll love to Froggie here! Hello, hi! Ribbit ribbit, Froggie says buy it!

Steve laughs

Steve: Oh, oh well!

Ricky is still chuckling away

Karl: So then, he says “That’s it you’ve had your moneys worth!”

Steve: Is Dr.Frog still on, his he still on Classic?

Karl: I said that isn’t going to go out, they’re not going to be happy with that. He said “You’ve had your moneys worth, I’m going.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I’m left with that.

Ricky is still chuckling

Karl: I then have to get the bosses in, and because I’ve let him go, in a way it’s my responsibility.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I’ve, I’ve obviously thought I’ve got what I need.

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: I had to play them to the M.D.

Ricky: What did he say?

Karl: And justify…well, I was sort of thinking if I laugh, he might go “Well I don’t get it but he finds it funny.”

Ricky: Ohh, brilliant. Well done.

Karl: So I was laughing, he was sort of thinking, y’know…

Ricky: Excellent!

Karl: …is that it?

Ricky: Brilliant. When do they go out then?

Karl: Err…I think, I think one of ‘em’s going out at the moment.

Ricky: Excellent

Karl: I think the first one’s going out.

Ricky: Brilliant. Well let’s play a great track then.

Steve: Is it Doctor Frog? I’d like to see Doctor Frog feature on our show more often.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Ok. Oh! I’ve got some new comedy characters.

Steve: I can’t believe my luck.

Ricky: You know I love, er, the work of, um, comedy greats like Chris Moyles and Noel Edmonds? I’ve got some really funny comedy characters that will be popping in and out of the studio.

Steve: Save them! I’m excited!

Ricky: Ok.