30 March 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 30 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

I Love Cox in the Morning

Ricky: New Order here to stay on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me...

Steve: We're here to stay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Over the next 2 hours.

Ricky Laughs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: That's Steve Merchant there.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: We've got our producer here Karl Pilkington, we'll be talking to Karl a little bit later because, erm, we've got to have his thoughts on Aesop's fables, continuing the education of Karl, and we've got some great music coming up.

Steve: Bloody good music.

Ricky: Little bit of err, ooh what have we got? Happy Mondays.

Steve: Badly Drawn Boy.

Ricky: Yeah all that, Bob Dylan.

Steve: All sorts.

Ricky: All sorts, coming up.

Steve: Yeah, Rick I don't know I just wanted to bring your attention to this err, someone passed this onto me, it's from the Guardian's media website there's a sort of website that's dedicated to media infomation.

Ricky: Is this about our complaint?

Steve: Well, the headline is "Comedian rapped over radio innuendo".

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Err, Jessica Hodgson has written the article.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Are you familiar with this? Have you seen this?

Ricky: Well be careful now because we actually got a complaint, a lot of people don't know this, we got a complaint upheld, and erm...

Steve: Well all of this.

Ricky: We're very sorry we didn't mean to offend erm, and it was a while ago, so we are going to be very careful, Karl's getting very nervous. We're just going to read out, we're not going to editorialise Karl, we're just gonna read out what the Guardian printed about us. Alright?

Karl: Hmm.

Steve: "Comedian Ricky Gervais has had a dressing down from a broadcasting watchdog for his repeated use of the word "Cock" in a lunchtime radio show".

Ricky: That's alright, that's what it says Karl.

Steve: That's fine, this is, this is news.

Ricky: He's not going to say it again. Yeah yep. Go on.

Steve: Imagine this is the news and I'm reading it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The Broadcasting Standards Commission upheld a complaint against the comedian for coarse sexual innuendo, in the program on London station Xfm. The commission acknowledge that the presenters remarks were intended to be humorous but took the view that the amount of detail of the coarse sexual innuendo had exceeded acceptable boundaries for a broadcast, said the BC, er... BSC, in a statement. The complaint objected to a sexual the comics Saturday afternoon show when he discussed the different meanings of the word "Cock", Gervais wondered aloud whether the word was acceptable when discussing birds, but not the male sexual organ. A BSC spokesman said the comedian "Went on and on about it for nearly 5 minutes". Xfm, a self-styled alternative radio station, said in its defence that its remit was to provide cutting edge programmes for a youth audience. The station said the programme's brief was to include alternative comedy within certain shows that would not fit within a more mainstream radio station format. In this particular show, it was not the presenters' intention to shock, when they took a humorous look at how the English language can be construed in different ways within different contexts. Gervais, who's big break was on Channel 4's 11'O'Clock show has shot to household status through the portrayal of David Brent, the middle manager from hell in BBC2's cult show, The Office.

Ricky: Just in case you didn't know who I was talking about.

Steve: Exactly. Household name, but they thought you might not.

Ricky: Yeah, you might not have heard of him but he is a household name. Now, erm, that's good, that's good reporting quite right about it and just to remind people it was when Steve said, the only erm, err, bird that hasn't got a penis is the swan and I went on about the male bird being called a cock, but I couldn't use that to mean a you know. It was childish. But, what annoys me is I'm sure Ive heard things on like Radio 1 like that. What's her, wasser name err, in the morning? Sarah?

Steve: Err... Cox.

Ricky: Yeah. And err, there's a DJ like Carl, erm.

Steve: Err, Cox?

Ricky: Yeah, so you've got... Karl? What's the matter? I was just saying, just saying there's a pair of DJs on, you know.

Karl: Yeah but we've done this.

Ricky: And err.

Steve: But, what're you talking about, we're just talking about.

Ricky: Names! They're just saying their names. Now, I love Cox in the morning.

Steve: You're a big fan of Cox.

Karl: Aww.

Ricky: And at night! What's the matter with you?

Steve: Come on, Karl. Alright? We've taken it, we've been. Have you actually been rapped over this?

Ricky: No, I don't know what that means.

Steve: Have you had a dressing down?

Ricky: No.

Steve: When did that happen?

Ricky: I don't know it was.

Karl: I was meant to tell yer, and I never got round to it but.

Steve: Ok, thanks then.

Karl: Don't do it again.

Ricky and Steve Laugh.

Song: Happy Mondays

It's Boring, Water

Ricky: Kinky Afro, on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Ho ho.

Ricky: Can I just add that.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Just in case you don't know what the frequency is.

Steve: Yeah exactly.

Ricky: Err, why do they say that? Is it so you go "I tell you what, I like that radio station, and it was".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "And it was, Xfm 104.9".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: "I'll listen to that again".

Steve: You'll listen to that, you can re-tune.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: I was wondering actually, Rick.

Ricky: Stay locked up this end of the dial!

Steve: True enough. Erm I was wondering, cos obviously you know we, we're still trying to campaign to get Karl into the air.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Err, with the balloon enterprise, and obviously work's being done on that, don't fret, don't worry, lot of people were asking for an update but, you know obviously we'll let you know when it's all going to take place.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I was wondering whether.

Ricky: These things take time.

Steve: Exactly, but I was wondering whether we should also have another kind of campaign, some kind of campaign, maybe one that could involve you Rick.

Ricky: Aww.

Steve: No cos I'm obviously, I'm particularly concerned Karl, I don't know how familiar you are with this, with Ricky's eating habits.

Karl: Mmm.

Steve: Because, he just, he eats so unhealthily, it scares...

Ricky: No, I.

Steve: No come on Rick, don't give me this.

Ricky: I'm getting better now.

Steve: No you're not getting better.

Ricky: I have a smoothie everyday.

Steve: Yeah but, I've told you before, that's largely sugar.

Ricky: No, a home-made one.

Steve: I don't care Rick, that's not enough. It can't counteract right, this is his idea. This is Ricky Gervais' idea of healthy eating right, we'll be in the canteen at the BBC, he'll go "I'm going to eat healthy today" which means he'll have two slices of pizza instead of, pizza and chips. That's basically the, that's his theory right? And it's like, it, I don't know what, cos he can't eat which is kind of, which is, which basically doesn't sting the roof of his mouth.

Ricky laughs

Steve: With flavour. So like for instance, he's always got headaches, he's always got headache, and I go that's because you don't, you just drink coffee and Coke, you never drink water, your body is de-hydrated, and I said to him, drink a glass of water. "No, boring".

Ricky laughs

Steve: "It's boring, water". I don't know if we were in the desert stranded, boring. "Boring Steve, I'll wait until the next cafe".

Ricky laughs

Steve: Right, and sometimes he'll go like "oh let's have, I'll have a salad" right? And he'll get like a feta cheese salad right? And he'll eat, the little bits of feta cheese, leave the salad. Then he goes downstairs and goes "I'm still hungry, it didn't fill me up that salad". I go "No what didn't fill you up was the 200 milligrams of goat's cheese you ate".

Ricky laughs

Steve: "That's what didn't fill you up". So I just, there should be a campaign, I don't know whether I can observe it, people could sponsor him, something, just eat healthy, we could do it with some kind of big charity.

Ricky: So I'll eat fruit.

Steve: I don't think the fruit's the issue.

Ricky: As long as you mash it, I'll eat anything that's been mashed.

Steve: I'm not saying that you don't eat a certain amount of fruit. I'm saying that everything else you eat is unbalanced and it's just rich with fat, and it's awful.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's sausages, it's beans, you're such working class scum aren't you?

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's the smell of chip-fat, is all around you do you know what I mean, it's like. Even when you can't smell it, you know it's there seeping through his veins. I imagine when he was growing up it was just chip-fat.

Ricky: It was.

Steve: In the house, just a big...

Ricky: It was.

Steve: On a constantly boiling...

Ricky: It was always, there was always chips on.

Steve: Exactly, do you want Weetabix in the morning, deep fat fry that.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Such scum, and now it's like "oh yeah my palate, I can't eat anything, it's got no flavour", everythings gotta have cheese on it. Sprinkling on parmesan cheese. More parmesan cheese, and if someone like, doesn't like give him a whole tub of parmesan cheese when you're in a restaurant even though he's ordered like a lobster or whatever.

Ricky laughs

Steve: He's like, he sort of has a go at the waiter or like, not to their face obviously, because he's too much of a coward but he'll say to me, "oh he didn't leave the cheese", "didn't give me any cheese", "so cheap with the cheese." He just gave you 3 bucketful's. "Ah just cheese, more cheese here!"

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's pathetic.

Ricky: Oh god.

Steve: I just think we should do something, cos I'm panicked, I'm worried, I'm worried about your health.

Ricky: I've started working out a little bit, I sort of work out twice or three times.

Steve: I don't think that's gonna counteract it Rick.

Ricky: And I drink water through the night when I wake up de-hydrated.

Steve: From all the booze you've just drunk.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, and err, I have a smoothie in the morning don't I?

Steve: I don't, I, you know what my views are on the smoothies, I don't think that's counteracting.

Ricky: You're anti-smoothie, you're anti-smoothie.

Steve: Well I don't think it's counteracting all the other problems.

Ricky: You have got a problem.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Nothing wrong with a smoothie.

Steve: Right fine well Ok, if you're happy to carry on as you are.

Ricky: Yeah go on.

Steve: Erm, Badly Drawn Boy, obviously.

Ricky: Lovin' it.

Steve: He has done the soundtrack to this new film, err About A Boy.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Which has got Hugh Grant in it, and obviously err, this current single err what's it called? The one that's out? Silent Sigh, and that's coming, obviously that's being played on Xfm, but this is another track from this album, which is the soundtrack, lots of kind of, little bits of filler, little bits of musical instrumental stuff, but all of it's very nice. This is a cracking tune, track 3, Something to Talk about.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - Something To Talk About.

Written by Four People

Ricky: Lovely.

Steve: Yeah good tune that I think, err, Sarah and Lauren have e-mailed in they said they wanted something from Elliot Smith or maybe Jimmy Webb, that's actually produced by the producer of Elliot Smith.

Ricky: I haven't bought any Jimmy Webb in today, I'm afraid.

Steve: No, maybe play that next time.

Ricky: I'll play some next- yeah, next week.

Steve: That's Badly Drawn Boy there from the err soundtrack to the film "About a Boy", and that's called err Something To Talk About.

Ricky: We've only got the stuff in the library, do they want 4 Non-Blondes?.

Steve: Ha ha.

Ricky: We've got That in the library haven't we?.

Steve: The best of Toni Basil.

Ricky: And we've got erm just about every song that INXS have ever recorded.

Steve: Exactly, we don't play enough INXS do we?.

Ricky: I don't think we do, do we? No! I can't believe it. Erm, Xfm 104.9, coming up White Van Man, White Van Karl.

Steve: White Van Karl. I was obviously out last night with Karl, maybe you didn't realise this.

Ricky: Oh yeah?.

Steve: Cos we went out. Err, what's the name of that evening?.

Karl: Market place, Extra-Curricular.

Steve: Extra-Curricular yeah, various Xfm DJ's go down there and just play an eclectic mix.

Ricky: Spin some tunes.

Steve: Exactly, and I'm thinking of doing it in a couple of weeks Rick, and obviously you know my turntablist skills now are pretty...

Ricky: Yep yep.

Steve: Something to behold.

Ricky: Yep yep yep yep.

Steve: And erm, err, tell you this what, I did an amazing mix the other day with my friend Dan, we spent 2 and a half hours on it, this is how we spend our evenings now. 2 and a half hours mixing from a trip-hop sort of art, sort of hip-hop style beat into err Arthur's Theme by Christopher Cross.

Ricky: Great tune.

Steve: "when you get caught between the moon and New York City".

Ricky: Written by 4 people.

Steve: 4 people yeah.

Ricky: Bacharach, Carole Bayer Sager, Christopher Cross and a fourth one. Phone in.

Steve: If you know that.

Ricky: Maybe we should. So who knows the fourth person credited on that tune.

Steve: Give a prize.

Ricky: 08700 800 1234. Also, I want someone else to phone in right, I saw a an advert right, one of those ads, toys, cos it's Easter holidays or something.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And I was watching it the other day, and there's one of those Transformer type things, and it goes "The shield!" It strikes and then goes into it's shield, and it goes into a little pod, and I'm sure it was called a bollock.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Now, I must've miss heard it, there's no way you can call a little kids toy a bollock, so can you phone in. I'm quite willing to be wrong, it would be very disappointing but you know, are people making little bollocks, for kids?.

Steve Laughs.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: 08700 800 1234. And what was the other question?.

Steve: Was there another? Oh the other question was who err was the fourth person that wrote Arthur's Theme.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve: "When you get caught between the moon and New York City", "Crazy but it's true".

Steve: "The only thing you can do is fall in love", Karl. I was out with Karl last night obviously, party animal you know he's hanging out with some of my friends, you enjoyed yourself didn't you Karl?.

Karl: It was alright.

Steve: But you were err a bit worried about Jennifer Lopez weren't you?.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: What was the concern?.

Karl: Erm, I don't really know what's going on in the pop world, erm.

Ricky: You, you're joking.

Karl: No.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: And erm, I was here in the toilets right? And I 'eard it being played out on the speaker, and I heard the DJ go err "There you go that's err Left-Eye Lopez there".

Ricky: That's not.

Karl: And I thought it's Jennifer Lopez.

Ricky: No, it's the, little one.

Karl: I thought she had some sort of eye injury.

Ricky: You thought he was breaking the news.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Of Jennifer Lopez losing an eye, by calling her Left-Eye Lopez.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's genius.

Steve: Don't worry, we put him right, he's ok.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He slept easy.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But you were worried for a while weren't you? You were anxious for a while.

Karl: I, I had no idea, and the thing is, I heard that on Thursday, so for like 3 days I've been thinking, "why's she called that?"

Steve: You been panicking.

Karl: Cos she's changed her name before hasn't she, to Jay-Lo or something.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I thought you know, has she got some people after her, does she owe someone money, keep changing her name.

Ricky: Yeah, "That was One-Eye Gabrielle, and Rise".

Steve Laughs

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Anyway, more music Rick?

Ricky: Oh I'd love to.

Steve: What've you got lined up there Karl?

Karl: Beta Band?

Ricky: Oh yeah yeah yea yea yeah sweet sweet sweet sweet.

Steve: Total respect to that.

Ricky: Yea yea yea yea.

Steve: Massive respect to that.

Ricky: Yea yea yea yea yea.

Steve: No no, due due due yeah.

Ricky: Yea yea yea yea yea yea yea.

Steve: Huge respect.

Song: Beta Band

The Foot High Club

Song: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love

Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club there, Spread Your Love, on Xfm 104. I'm loving this Steve it's a lovely day.

Steve: We're playing some great music.

Ricky: We're playing some great tunes arn't we?

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: We're gonna have some great chat.

Steve: Yeah yeah.

Ricky: So er, let's carry on, let's continue.

Steve: Well absolutely. Now obviously Karl went out with me last night, and he saw that I'm, well you know, he's knows that I'm a ladies man and that was obvious Karl. You could see vibe around me couldn't you?

Karl: Mmm.

Steve: You know, when the chicks were talking to me. And err, just remembered recently actually, was on a train coming back from err hometown Bristol, and, I was on the train and err this girl walks on, good looking girl. And I thought "aye up", largely empty carriage, I'm thinking my lucks in. You know, cos I take every opportunity Karl, that's the thing about me, you know I don't, don't I don't choose. Good looking girl, she sat down, I thought, she was sat down right near me, I thought brilliant, and there's this guy, a guy comes up right behind her right. And I think, it's probably her boyfriend or something, sits down next to her. And I listen in on the conversation obviously because I'm pretending to read, it was a very clever, I read the same page for hours, I was pretending to listen, I was listening but pretending to read. And erm, I realised that it's not her boyfriend or anything, it's just some guy she's met on the platform, and I'm thinking brilliant, if she's the kind of girl who's just gonna start talking to someone on a platform, on a train, brilliant, I'm gonna be in here. Cos he was only going one stop, so I'm thinking, what the worst that can happen? He'll nick off, you know I'll get chatting to her, you know and err who knows, join the, what's the, is there a train equivalent.

Ricky: The foot high club.

Steve: The foot high club, brilliant. And er, so I'm excited, you know I'm listening in, and err they're talking and it turns out that they're both kind of graduates, both just finished university, or they're just, just coming to their finals or something, and they're chatting away you know, and he's making a couple of witticisms, you know, and she's kind of tittering at his jokes, I'm thinking well I'll tell you this, if she's laughing at his kind of material, I am going to blow her away you know with my kind of anecdotes and wry observations you know.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was weak stuff, I gotta be honest.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: He was coming out with nothing.

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: He's running on empty as far as I'm concerned.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And she was loving it, so I'm thinking brilliant I'm going to be right in here, and then they get moving onto higher brow things, you know and erm I think she was gonna study like Marxism or something like that, and, or communist or something, and err she was asking him you know, by way of conversation, she was asking him what he knew about Marxism you know.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And he was fumbling for some, his vague knowledge of it he had.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I'm just sat there thinking "yeah come on love, in any given capitalist environment the proletariat will revolt against the repression."

Ricky: Well.

Steve: "And the bourgeoisie, after a brief period of socialist rule emerges in a classless society governed by the community corporation."

Ricky: Well if that sort of talk wouldn't get a woman hot, I don't know.

Steve: Come on Rick!

Ricky: I don't know what you'd use then to.

Steve: If Marx and Engels is not gonna get a woman sweaty down below.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: Then nothing is, then my name is not Steve Merchant.

Ricky: You were just biding your time yeah?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah yea yea yea.

Steve: I thought I'm just going to go in for the kill any minute. So erm, so anyway err, anyway, it comes to his stop right, he gets out. I'm thinking this is, this is a piece of cake. And he gets off and off he goes, he walks off. And I'm thinking brilliant, and I thought I'll wait, you know I'll wait until the train's pulled away, I'm not going to leap in straight away.

Ricky: No.

Steve: And err, he comes back on the carriage. I'm thinking hang on a minute. He goes er "Listen, do you mind if a give you my e-mail address?".

Ricky: Awww.

Steve: Right, and err "If you want to get in touch, e-mail me". I thinking "come on you loser get off now, save your face. Please."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Before it gets too embarassing, she accepts the e-mail address because she obviosuly doesn't want to hurt his feelings or whatever, I'm thinking fair enough, she's a good woman, I'm liking her, I'm lovin' her I'm thinking that's my kind of girl. So anyway erm, he gets off, I'm sat there and the train pulls away, I'm thinking, I'll wait a few minutes, you know just give her sometime. Her phone rings, it's her friend on the phone, and err, she starts talking. And I was listening in, and she was going "Yeah just met a guy on the train". I'm thinking "yeah that's true enough." She goes "Yeah he was a good looking guy". I thought "you're havin' a laugh, love."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: To be honest, because I was looking at him, and she said, she said to her friend "He looks a bit like tennis player Boris Becker". I thought, "you well, you should be so lucky, frankly", cos I saw him. He had awful facial hair if that's what makes him look like Boris Becker, terrible little goatee beard, it was laughable.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I thought you, I don't know, and then she goes, she goes, the thing is, "Yeah I met him we got chatting and stuff" and she was going "It's not often that erm, It's not often that you meet someone you know, generally in life who's you know, kind of thoughtful, and intelligent, and funny". And I thought to myself, "I'm not even going to waste my time with you, love."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Frankly if that's what you thought of him.

Ricky: You just walked away.

Steve: Yeah and I'd be honest with you, I didn't even bother talking to her.

Ricky: No, you're just above it. If she thinks that bloke not only is great looking.

Steve: Is funny.

Ricky: Funny and intelligent, and she got on well and he was polite, and it was a chance meeting, and he thought, and she thought that you were like a freaky looking dork who didn't even have the nerve to speak.

Steve: Exactly. If that is what she...

Ricky: If that is what she thinks!

Steve: Was thinking. Then I don't want to know about it!

Ricky: Then she's not, I couldn't, you walked away and good luck to yer.

Steve: And I have my dignity intact.

Ricky: Yes, and she's nothing.

Song: Public Image - Rise

Mongs

Song: Travis - Flowers in the Window

Ricky: Travis, Flowers in the Window on Xfm 104.9. Well, comin’ to that time where we do White Van Man.

Steve: Absolutely. With producer Karl.

Ricky: And uh, Karl’s gonna also be uh, telling us, uh, his, his slant on fables. On Aesop.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Um, I was out with Karl – I know I’m, shouldn’t be.

Steve: Well, I broke the rule as well last night.

Ricky: I know. I was out with him before, I think. And uh, we were just chattin’, and um, as you know uh, we’re uh, we’re going to Edinburgh. Uh, for a week.

Steve: Yeah, that’s all 3 of us.

Ricky: That’s all 3 of us, yeah.

Steve: It wasn’t – I just wondered for a minute there if there was some arrangement you two had made.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Like next weekend, just popping up there, seeing the sights.

Ricky: Yeah. No, we’re gonna do a week’s broadcasting from the Edinburgh Festival. And uh, you know, and Karl’s goin’, "I bet you lie in, don’t you?", and all this, and I was goin’, "Well yeah." He wants to be up at half nine and out lookin’ at the sights!

Steve: God!

Ricky: You know what I mean? Yeah. But anyway, I said uh, "Have you ever had haggis?" He went, "It’s black puddin’, innit?" I went, "No, it’s uh, uh, it’s mince." He went, "I like mince." I went, "Yeah, but wait. It’s mince, in a sheep’s stomach. All right?" And he went, (sighs) "What, they forcefeed a sheep, then kill it?"

Steve hoohoos

Ricky: Imagine that, Karl.

Karl: It makes sense though, dunnit.

Ricky: No, it doesn’t make sense. They forcefeed a sheep mince, and then kill it. So it’s stomach’s nice and full, and they go, "Aw, this one’s full, kill it, before it starts digestin’ it!" Course they don’t. It’s a membrane, they’ve – and the other one, he was talkin’ about, um, he likes Richmond Park. He says, "I like to see all the deers." I went, "it’s deers plural, you don’t need to say, deers." I try and educate him whenever I can –

Steve: What’s that one? That deer is already plural.

Ricky: Yeah, deer is plur – I said, you know, like, sheep or, or fish, though you can say fishes. And uh, and uh, we said, "Do you know the um, plural of uh, mongoose?" Because a lot of people think it would be mongeese. It’s not. It’s mongooses. Do you know what Karl said?

Steve: Plural of mongoose.

Ricky: Plural of mongoose. Yes.

Steve: Plural of mongoose?

Ricky: It’s worth a competition. No it’s not, no.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Karl, what did you think the plural of mongoose was.

Karl: Mongs.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a record. After this, White Van Man.

Karl: Do you want to play, uh,

Ricky: Aw, let’s play a bit of Dylan, yeah. Um, this is – this is a, a, a beautiful track. It’s uh, Just Like a Woman.

Song: Bob Dylan – Just Like a Woman

Karl the Defense Lawyer

Ricky: Well, I think that’s a beautiful, record, uh, It’s by Bob Dylan, Just Like a Woman. And, Karl went, he’s got his headphones on, so he’s speakin’ a bit loud,

Steve: The harmonica’s playin’,

Ricky: In, in, in a whiny manc accent, when the harmonica’s playin’, That’s an annoying sound that, innit!

Steve chuckles

Ricky: God.

Steve: Oh, bless him.

Ricky: Bob Dylan. An annoying sound, there!

Karl: Did you hear, about...

Steve: The Annoying Sound of Bob Dylan! Can be a new album!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Just, just that sort of sound always reminds me of, uh, a one man band.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Have you heard the story about Leo Sayer, with his song One Man Band?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Years ago, what – what year was uh … Oh God.

Steve: I’m in the Mood for Dancing?

Karl: Uh, what’s the song? That he did? About a one man band?

Ricky: I’m A One Man Band, it was called.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Funnily enough. Go on.

Karl: He did that, One Man Band, and he was playin’ it, at the Dominion Theatre,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And apparently, whenever he played and sort of sang this song, he got the audience involved, and the line in it was,

Karl starts to sing

Karl: "I’m a one man band"

{Act:Ricky

Ricky: "Nobody knows or understands, is there anyone there who can lend me a hand, to my one man band."

Karl: Right. That, and what he used to do, he used to reach out,

Ricky: Oh yeah,

Karl: And grab people’s hands, and then he’d walk down middle. Anyway. He said, "will anyone lend me a hand", and stuck his hand out, grabbed like a hand, and was walkin’ down, everyone looked horrified, and some woman, who had like a plastic hand, had come off.

Ricky and Steve titter

Karl: And he was walkin’ down the middle of like Dominion Theatre with this plastic hand in his hand. And he said, "Aw. That’s a moment I won’t forget."

Steve: He knows how to tell a story, Leo Sayer.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right! Well it’s time for White Van Man. This is where we ask Karl the questions that The Sun asks someone else.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: It’s an article in there where they ask some, you know, typical man on the street the uh, the big questions of the day, uh, gives ‘em their platform, to the nation, and we think this is just too good to – I mean, we only care about one person’s opinion , in the country now.

Steve: That’s true enough, it’s the K-Man, and there he is.

Ricky: There he is. Right.

Steve: Karl, your thoughts, please, on, Kylie Minogue slagging off Britney Spears for ignoring her fans at her premiere. Are you aware of that story?

Karl: No, go on.

Steve: She got boo-d at her, uh, premiere of her new film, Britney, ‘cause she um, she left her fans waiting for like an hour, some of ‘em had travelled up from Bristol, other parts of the country,

Ricky: 3000 of ‘em.

Steve: Loads of them screaming for her, she just went straight into the theatre, an hour late, just gave ‘em a quick wave and straight in, didn’t even bother to shake their hands,

Ricky: All cryin’, and slaggin’ her off,

Steve: Sign any autographs, so they were boo-ing,

Ricky: What d’you think of that, Karl?

Steve: And Kylie’s obviously said that was obviously outrageous, ya’know, and uh, you should treat your fans with respect. What d’you make of it?

Karl: Um … so she did wave.

Steve: Yeah, but literally as she was walking into the theatre.

Karl: Was it rainin’?

Steve: No, I don’t think it was.

Karl: Uhh,

Ricky: He’s like a defense lawyer!

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Who hasn’t really read the brief!

Steve: Exactly! He’s just wingin’ it!

Ricky: (can’t understand) "is it rainin’? No? Aw, shit, I was relyin’ on that, um..."

Karl: Was she running late for the start of the film.

Steve: Yes! But that’s her own fault! I mean, the people are inside. They’re not gonna start the film without her. It’s Britney Spears. She could take some time out. You know, when Tom Cruise came here, he spent like an hour and a half, shaking people’s hands, talking to people on their mobile phones, all sorts. That’s Tom Cruise. He’s a bigger name than Britney.

Karl: I know but,

Ricky: Smaller person, but he’s a bigger name.

Karl: What – what do people want, from people. Do you know’t I mean?

Steve: An autograph! Things like that! A photo!

Ricky: This one’s goin’ nowhere, Steve. Is there another one?

Steve: OK. Fair enough.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I thought, Yeah, you know, it’s not bad. If she had more time, she might have done it, on another day, I mean, I’m not feelin’ too good today.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But you’re gonna still take time out to sign people’s autographs, surely, when you leave the building!

Ricky: Yeah, there’s always a bit of a crowd, in’t there!

Karl: Next.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Uh, what do you make of uh, New York’s, New York’s ex-police chief saying we need more bobbies on the beat. He’s come over here, he’s the guy that sorted out crime in New York City, he’s come over here, he’s said You’re goin’ all over the place here, more bobbies on the beat, more policemen, or, a visible police presence,

Karl: There was, there was something last week about, some, some copper, in London, who was sat on, sat on a bench. Uhhh, and he was asleep. Or summing. And people were like outraged because like, He should be lookin’ after like, England’s people, not noddin’ off on a park bench. Which is a bit daft because,

Ricky: They were shoutin’, "He should be lookin’ after England’s people!"

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah! "You should be looking after England’s people!"

Ricky: Hey, was this the 16th century you went back to? What do you mean "you should look after England’s people!"

Karl: You know, wherever he was, if he was like in a park somewhere, they were like, really annoyed, ‘cause he was asleep.

Ricky: Sure. He prob’ly be undercover.

Karl: No, but the thing is, if there would have been any trouble, I’m sure he would have woke up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If there was any sort of, if someone needed help, and they screamed, he would have woke up. So I don’t know why they were ‘avin’ a go at him.

Ricky: Yeah? And he might, he might not have been there at all, so, you know, he was, he probably have his radio turned on, didn’t he. Listening to Heart.

Steve: So you’re not concerned then that there’s not, that the, the crime’s goin’ up,

Karl: I think there’s enough. I see quite a lot of ‘em whizzin’ around.

Steve: OK. You’re happy then.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: As long as you’re happy, Karl.

Ricky: You don’t think there’s too much crime.

Karl: No.

Ricky: Just the right amount. Just the right amount of crime.

Karl: Yep.

Steve: What about the fact that new gambling laws give Blackpool the green light to become a British Las Vegas. What do you make of that. Are you a gambler?

Karl: Little bit, when I go on holiday, like goin’ in the arcade, and havin’ a little flutter.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: What’s your favourite?

Karl: Uh, I have a go on the, the fruit machines,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: There’s a good one, called The Simpsons.

Ricky titters

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Is that your favourite?

Karl: Yeah, it’s quite good.

Steve: Is that a tie-in with the TV show The Simpsons?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: OK.

Karl: Um, will they make Blackpool the next Vegas. I don’t think so.

Ricky: No,

Karl: I don’t see it happening.

Ricky: No. You been to Blackpool?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: What – what’s it, what’s it, anything,

Karl: It’s a, it’s a bit rank.

Ricky: Is it?

Karl: It is a bit rough. Needs a, needs a lot of work doin’ on it.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Uh, no, that won’t happen.

Ricky: OK.

Steve: And you’re not worried about this encouraging gambling? Generally? Gambling’s not a vice you’re concerned about.

Karl: Uhh .. if you’re a gambler, you’re a gambler, do you know’t I mean.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: Blackpool isn’t done up, they’ll go somewhere else to have a flutter.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: So, it’s not gonna make any difference.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: OK. OK. Jolly good. Uh, what do you make of the So Solid Crew’s Ashley Walters being jailed for 18 months. Obviously not a very good example to his young fans.

Karl: He shoulda got more.

Steve: Do you think?

Karl: I had a dream about him the other night.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: About, about the group itself.

Steve: OK.

Karl: I had a dream that –

Steve: Were they all there? ‘Cause there’s a lot of ‘em. I couldn’t remember all their faces, to feature in a dream.

Karl: Uh, I had a T-shirt on.

Ricky: He had etcetera.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He had (two?) but then had had etcetra.

Karl: I had a T-shirt on,

Steve: You had a T-shirt on?

Karl: Yeah, and it said on the T-shirt, So Solid Poo. And I was walkin’ down the street, and they came towards me.

Steve: Wow!

Karl: They were just about to beat me up and -

Ricky: That’s a great dream!

Steve: That’s amazing! I love that that’s,

Ricky: For a 30 year old –

Steve: We’ve all had that anxiety dream!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh my goodness, what if I meet the So Solid Crew and I’m wearing a T-shirt that slags them off!

Ricky: I don’t believe it – yeah – you know, yeah.

Steve: So what happened? Did you get beaten up, in the dream?

Karl: It was one a’ them where, I woke up. D’ya’know how I’ve been tellin’ you that I keep gettin’ them things, where you feel like you’re falling.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: It was the same sort of thing, it’s like,

Ricky: You know I’m not a real psychiatrist,

Karl: Yeah, but you do know a lot about a lot.

Ricky: Yeah, I do. Thanks very much.

Karl: And you know, if I’m at home, talkin’ to Suzanne about something and, and I don’t the answer, I think, Aw, I’ll ask Ricky that, and we’ll see.

Ricky: Thanks.

Steve: But you know that, I think you might have mentioned it before, that apparently if you die in a dream, it means that you’re dying in real life.

Karl: Yeah, yeah, well that’s it. If you don’t, uh,

Steve: But apparently if you get beaten up by the So Solid Crew in a dream, it means you’re being beaten up by them in real life.

Ricky: Yeah! That is true!

Steve: (can’t understand) pummel in your face.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Terrifying! Absolutely terrifying.

Karl: So yeah, lock him up for longer.

Steve: OK. Finally, what’d you make of Halle Berry, becoming the first black woman to win the Best Actress Oscar? Did you see her speech?

Karl: Oh, got on me nerves.

Steve: Did it.

Karl: I mean, y’know, it is good that she won. It’s nice for anyone to win an award.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, she did go on a bit. And, you know, I, I’ve been in that same, sort of position,

Steve: What? Claiming an Oscar?

Karl: Well I got um, what I used to do at school,

Steve: OK.

Karl: If you did a full month, without bein’ off, you got a gold certificate.

Steve: OK.

Karl: And I did a month once, without havin’ a day off.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And I went up, and I didn’t, I didn’t do – make a fuss,

Steve: You didn’t start crying.

Ricky: Play it – Karl, play a record, mate.

Steve: Well done though. Were you the first kid in your school to do that?

Karl: I don’t think anyone else got the certificate, it was only ‘cause I was never in, they tried to encourage me to –

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: It was just for you! They mounted it an entire ceremony just to encourage you!

Ricky: The Karl Award!

Song: Belle and Sebastian – Legal Man

That's a Fable

Ricky: Wise words there, from Belle and Sebastian!

Steve laughs

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. All right, Steve.

Steve: Well, I mean, it is indeed wise words, Rick. I’m worried that people are gonna get out of the office now, into the sunshine, and not be listening to the show!

Ricky: There’s always the transistor radio.

Steve: That’s true enough!

Ricky: Uhh….. It is time.

Steve: Keep it low, though. Don’t want to irritate other people.

Ricky: No, I know. Yeah yeah yeah. Uh, and if you do want to irritate ‘em, spit on ‘em. It’s better.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Um, kick ‘em and throw little rocks.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: With me, Karl, K-Man Pilkington. We are now, we’re into this, way into the second month of The Education of Karl. As you know, Karl got 1 GCSE, in History, an E. And uh, we’ve been uh, we’ve been cramming, haven’t we.

Steve: Oh Rick, before you mention that, can I just say something.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: We do, obviously we do this thing with The Sun, White Van Man, where we query, uh, Karl. And we were out with some friends last night and my friend Dan always listens to the show, and he said, um, "Karl, you know, I love the bit when you answer questions in The Sun. Why .. do, do you ever know what the questions are before, they’re asked, or is that your first answer?" And uh, Karl said, "No, that is it, they don’t let me see what the questions are first, they don’t show them to me, and that always get, I always get really anxious and really paranoid." And I’m just wondering, have you seen the error there, Karl. Have you seen the mistake you’ve been making? Right? You’re worried, you’re worried that you didn’t get the questions beforehand, right.

Ricky: How could you, how could you,

Steve: How could you maybe combat that, do you think.

Ricky: How could you combat that, if you were really nervous, you know, comin’ up to like,

Steve: Maybe you wanted to sort of have some views or ideas beforehand,

Karl: Well, it’s it’s, it’s your error, innit. D’ya’know’t I mean. It’s your show. If uh, if you want to like, take a chance with me.

Steve: That’s not the point.

Ricky: Nonononono. His point is this: if you were really worried about that, how could you, how could you get hold of those questions in advance. Is there any way you could get hold of those questions on advance.

Karl: Yeah, but, is it always in – in today’s. Is it always in Saturday’s.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: So they don’t do that every day of the week.

Steve: They do, but I always take it from this Saturday’s.

Karl: Right. Yeah, I could. But that would cost me money. I’m not on enough as it is,

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Workin’ here on a Saturday.

Steve: OK.

Ricky laughs

Karl: How much is The Sun?

Steve: 30p.

Karl: Yeah, well.

Steve: You’re not made of money.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: I understand.

Ricky: Yeah. Um,

Steve: Actually, it’s 40p on a Saturday. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Ricky: Well, you were studying Aesop’s Fables, weren’t you, this week. Now uh, I’ve, I’m gonna very, be very liberal here, and let you talk about ‘em. I’m not gonna – it’s not a test, I’m not, hey man, just like chill out. I’m not this like rigid, sort of, you know, uh, boxing society, just, just tell us your views. Just tell us your vibe on Aesop. Tell us something. What have you learned, from his fables.

Karl: He uhh, made a bit of money out of something that’s quite simple. Uh,

Ricky: I don’t know if he did make any money out of it. I mean – it – you know – I think it was published like thousands of years after his death, but go on.

Karl: Yeah. They’re just, just little stories. I mean, enjoyed ‘em,

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: Didn’t really learn anything from ‘em.

Ricky: Or did, or did you, you see. ‘Cause it’s teaching through sort of like metaphor and analogy, and maybe, it all seeps in and it’s all subliminal, and maybe, in a way, your subconscious is teaching you,

Karl: No, it’s silly -

Steve: No, it’s silly, Rick. It is silly.

Karl: If, if the stories were done in like a real way, that there’s like a, a man and a woman, and, and it’s little stories that something happened to them in life, then you learn something. But it’s all about, you know, a gorilla and a fox are walkin’ through the woods. How often does that happen?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sure. So you’re saying if it was more, like, kind of,

Karl: If it was more true to life,

Steve: (can’t understand) you, maybe, (can’t understand)

Ricky: If it was more like real stories like, you know, a kid on his Grifter and a magpie pickin’, you know, peckin’ at his head. Or two frog boys with webbed hands. I mean if it was real stories from real life.

Steve: That people could believe!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Actually happened!

Ricky: Maybe, it would, you know, teach you something.

Karl: But why not do that, like take a real situation. Say like the So Sold Crew guy,

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Going down for carrying a gun. Use that in some way. D’ya’know’t I mean.

Steve: As a warning maybe about carrying guns?

Ricky: What about something like, if you carry guns and that is illegal, you, you could have some sort of punishment.

Karl: Yeah, that’s,

Ricky: Good.

Steve: It doesn’t bother you then that the fact that these fables have been used for many many generations, to educate maybe young children, or even older people. The fact that they’ve served a brilliant function and they’ve become classics, that doesn’t bother you? You’ve seen through them?

Karl: Well, they don’t always work!

Steve: OK.

Karl: Um, when I was out with Rick the other day, he, brought one up.

Ricky: Oh, I told him the one about the uh, the, the two mice. The Industrious Mouse, who, throughout the summer, he would be storin’ berries, nuts and berries, to be storin’ it, and the other mouse would just be eatin’ off the trees and runnin’ around and havin’ a laugh, and they go, You’re gonna be hungry, and he went, Oh, I’ll worry about that when it comes to it. And they’d do that, and he’d be storin’ his nuts and berries and autumn came, and the mouse was still, playin’, and not doin’ anything, and then, when winter came, and the, and the silly mouse was like shiverin’, and he went and knocked on the mouse’s door, and went, I’m freezin’ and I’m starvin’. And the, and the, clever mouse said, Well I told you, didn’t I. You know, you should’ve been storin’ your nuts through like I did, come in and share mine. You know. And uh, what did you say, Karl?

Karl: Well, and the moral of that is, whatever. Uh,

Ricky: Well, yeah, you know, sort of uh, just be careful. My thing is that it’s not very good because the moral of that is, Do what you want and there’s always a do-gooder to share their’s.

Steve: (can’t understand) Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, but the way I, you know, I think, which is more 2002. The endin’ should have been, uh, you know, the guy with all the berries, should’ve like, been like, Ah, I’ll be all right, come the winter. I’ve got loads of food. I’ll be safe. But then, as he’s goin’ in to his little hut, at the beginning of the winter, some sort of bus or something comes and kills him. And it’s like,

Steve: You should’ve partied hard, ‘cause you might die!

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Enjoy life whilst you’ve got it.

Steve: Yeah. And if winter comes, just starve to death!

Karl: Well, you know. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Steve: OK. OK.

Karl: That’s my (can’t understand)

Steve: See, I’m wondering if there’s a new book here. I really am wondering if there’s a Karl’s Fables,

Ricky: He’s been comin’ out with some all week! He keeps goin’, Well that’s a fable, innit.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: So, what’s your favourite fable in there. Have you learnt anything from this book. J- get - you know, is there one fable you liked.

Karl: Yeah,

Ricky: What did you like?

Karl: I mean they’re all, they’re all all right,

Ricky: What did you like?

Karl: Uh, you’ve thrown it on me now, there.

Ricky: Didn’t you like one about a crab, you said.

Karl: No, that was the one about messin’ about on a cliff edge or something. Don’t mess about on a cliff edge.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What was that?

Karl: I dunno. There’s not many around here, so I didn’t take much interest in that one.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: You know’t I mean? Um,

Ricky: I’m doing my best here. I’m trying.

Steve: You don’t remember any of them?

Karl: Here’s one – here’s one that was quite nice. Uh, there was a belly, you know like your stomach,

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh, and there’s this belly on a pair of legs. And the legs were sayin’, I’m more important than you, ‘cause I carry. I carry you around. And the belly said, Yeah, but, you know, if it weren’t for me, ‘olding all this food, you wouldn’t have the energy to walk around.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, that means like, you know, rather than workin’ on your own, it’s best to work in a team!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Good.

Karl: So,

Ricky: Well, the one, the one similar to that, that I was taught when I was little was um, um, a vision of uh, heaven and hell. And uh, in, he went down to hell, and in hell, right, there was these, people had like twenty foot long, um, chopsticks,

(33:00)

K: yeah

R: and they, they were eating their food and they couldn’t get the chopsticks into the food and get it round to their mouths cos they were just too long

K: right

R: right and that was hell, and in heaven they had exactly the same thing, but they were feeding each other K: (pause)wh…right

S: you don’t like Chinese food, is that what you’re thinking?

R+S: (laugh)

S: is that what your concern is Karl

K: no, I’m just…

S: you see my, the one I remember, I can’t remember the ending of this- it’s about two nuns in a bath

R: oh I know, yeah

S: I cant remember what it is…or are they on a bike

R: th…th..th…th…that’s two adventures, it’s the same nuns, they get up to all sorts of adventures

S: they’re normally quite erotic adventures

R: there’s one where they’re driving down a cobbled street, I remember

S: go on

R: and then… (song)

The Shoulders of Giants

R: (song name?) on Xfm 104.9, I’m ricky Gervais, with me- steve merchant, and karl, well karl, I really don’t think you got your teeth into the fables, really I don’t think you, err,

K: there wasn’t anything to learn- I read a couple thought, yeah that’s alright, and put it down again, there wasn’t anything to learn. And it was all stuff I knew already, but made up with nice little foxes and bears and stuff,

R: yeah

K: so

R: but, is that, what about like the one we spoke about like, err, when the hares are going ‘we should share all our food’ and the lion said ‘ that’s a good argument but you haven’t got, it hasn’t got the teeth and claws, that we’ve got. That’s lovely- cos its sort of like, you know that’s an indictment on, sort of, you know, you could say it’s anti-equality almost, you know, you could get really sort of deep into that, you you could, you know what I mean, you could, nope?- alright

S: philosophical ideas in a nutshell? Not interested?

K: naaah

S: ok

R: ok then, well you’re gonna hate this then, I brought in the concise oxford dictionary of quotations, now just look at some of your favorites, I suggest going to, straight to things like, Wilde, or Newton, or err, Churchill, or err Keats S: you’re a big fan of Churchill

R: yeah? Oh well, he’s he’s (the boy?), he’ y’ are look, right ok, lets go through that old (mumbling) Newton, erm- right here’s a famous one, ok, this is Isaac Newton, ‘ If I’ve seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants

(pause) S: do you like that one?

K: so there’s a meaning in it?

R: yeah

S: well he hasn’t actually stood on the shoulders of giants

R: so he, so remember, he’s a, he’s an amazing er er er inventor, and mathatician, and he just, discovered incredible er laws of the universe, and, and he’s saying- yeah

K: if you want a good view, move into a multistory