30 November 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcript of the 30 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Big Poster of a Predatory Gay

Song: Richard Ashcroft - “Science of Silence”

Ricky: Oh yeah, the smooth indie sound of Richard Ashcroft "Science of Silence" on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, joining me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: It was an excellent link that, Rick. Did you say nime at one point? One oh four point nime?

Ricky: Did I?

Steve: Other than that it was textbook.

Ricky: Again, I- I- yeah, desperate attempt at being articulate.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: But let myself down.

Steve: With your lack of-

Ricky: See here's the good thing about the boxing thing, because er- there's no chance of me... you know, er slurring me words.

Steve: Making a fool of yourself?

Ricky: No, no. I already slurred my words.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So no- any damage will be totally fine. Oh dear.

Steve: The doctor's rushing in, "I think there might be some kind of concussion."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Jane just going, "No, that's just the way he talks."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But erm, but er- cause I'm thinking maybe did you start the show with- with that particular kind of er manner, just cause obviously a lot of new listeners, I imagine, thanks to the massive poster campaign and you obviously want to impress them with your charm.

Ricky: See now that there- there's a few examples today of irony coming back and bitin' ya.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that seemed like a funny idea at the time, me posing like 'at, but erm- Jonathan Ross phoned me up when they first went up and he said, "I've just seen a big poster of a predatory gay."

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Yeah, you do look a little bit er-

Ricky: Yeah, "Hellooo, what's your name?"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "Would you like to sit down here?"

Ricky Laughs maniacally

Ricky: And then you're in the background. And also er-er- the- the- I think the funny thing about having you as a partner, I mean the only good thing is that y-y-you know, you look- you look weird and tall, like too freakishly tall and lanky.

Steve: Oi, heyheyheyhey.

Ricky: But in that one, no because you're background and you're smiling you don't look as weird as you do in real life, or as- as freakishly tall. So it sort of ruins it a little bit for me. Look at, look at that-

Steve: Is that a compliment?


A Little Manc...

Ricky: L-l-loo- look.

Steve: Pilkington, what you doing?

Ricky: He's not listening he's just opening the f- er packet, what are they? McVities? See- er wha- see we should mention them we could get some free ones. If anyone at McVities are listening. Cause we're not gettin' the perks of this.

Steve: Not at all. I'm- I- I'll tell ya I'm not getting anything. I really got in this game for er the ladies, for the money, for the voiceover work-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Certainly not seeing hide nor hare of that.

Ricky: But erm, you're not getting the voiceover work cause Jethro, the Jethro is gettin' all of his parts that you might get.

Steve: Yeah, right. Sure sure, yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Erm okay Rick, yeah. You are the voice of what, the drink driving campaign?

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: You sound, you sound like a man who was run over in a drink driving accident.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: I mean it's like, you don't drive-

Ricky: Yeah but I didn't make any money from that did I?

Steve: You drink heavily-

Ricky: Or did I? I can't remember. Yeah

Steve: It's like I'mean talk about the kettle calling the pot black

Ricky: I don't drive, yeah. But that's good it's don't drink and drive. No it said don't drink and drive so I've chosen just to drink.

Steve: But at least I can formulate sentences using the English language and I'm not gettin' the voiceover work what- what's- wh- what-

Ricky: Yeah the English language of the 14th century.

Steve: What is that! Better a English language- an English language.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Not the, whatever kind of middle England language you speak. The language of the hobbits.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Alright Karl?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: See you're eating biscuits!

Steve: He's chowing on a biscuit!

Ricky: I can't believe it! Are you bored with us already? D'ya know what? MTV called me last week, they called me again yesterday and said when can they come down to do a- oh they're coming down next Saturday, by the way, to do a little screen test for ya. They're gonna sort of just film you with a little camcorder. You said this, they're gonna film ya… Are you alright? D'ya want- I mean- are you hungry? Do you wanna go out and have a meal? I can't believe you're eating while I'm on air.

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Do you know who I am?

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Explain who I am.

Steve: Er that's Ricky Gervais, right? He's made his name on TV.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, he's done any number of corporate gigs which- and they pay silly money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So I mean, this guy's earning, you know and really er- earning beyond his talent.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Alright? So-

Ricky: So I think I deserve a little bit more than a little Manc eating a biscuit while I'm talking.

Steve: Rick- Rick Gervais?

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Have you won a BAFTA?

Ricky: Yeah, 2.

Steve: Alright so-

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Just a little bit of respect?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Karl, what have you won? What have you won?

Karl: Well the thing- I- I got a errr I got a- got a bronze certificate for doing a full week at school.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: That's great.

Steve: It was only a bronze.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What's that then? 3 of 5 days?

Steve Laughs

Karl: And er- and I got me a little crusader's badge if you- if you remember.

Steve: What's the little crusader's badge?

Ricky: The what?

Karl: Crusader's badge for the religious club, so-

Ricky: Oh is that the fella where you played ping pong ball-

Steve: Where you had to go to-

Ricky: And then they wanted to talk to you about God?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You got a crusader's badge, did you?

Karl: Yeah, that's why I went, that's why I joined, that's why I joined.

Steve: For the badge.

Karl: I liked- i liked the little badge. Did 4 weeks then packed it in. But er- we were talking about MTV, right? And I was feelin' a bit nervous wan't I? About... about like, you know the way I look.

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: Right

Karl: And wha' have ya. And then I watched a bit of Celebrity Big Brother and all the fuss that Mark Owen's gettin' and he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: He's- he's very- I- I- I like wanted to be Mark Owen's mate. If anybody knows Mark Owen or if Mark Owen's listenin' I wanna be his mate.

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I think he's brilliant.

Karl: I think he's a nice lad but what I'm saying is, right, all the girls go mad over him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: Well, no he's got a- he is in a certain way isn't he? That sort of er- non threatening sort of-

Karl: Yeah but he's not- he's not stunnin' is he? D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well, no but no he-

Steve: Well what's your definition of stunning?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well-

Ricky: Who do you like?

Karl: Someone who you look at and you go, "God they- they're good looking."

Steve: Which bloke do you fancy?

Ricky: Well- well who- wh- what bloke do you think's attractive then?

Karl: So if I was into men...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: In fact, you can still say a blokes a good looker without like fancying him.

Ricky: Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh, of course you can.

Karl: You know what I mean?

Ricky: Who- who do you think is attractive?

Karl: Probably errrr...

Pause

Karl: Oh... I mean it depends what you're looking for.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Just tell us.

Ricky, Steve and Karl talk simultaneously

Ricky: Who would you say, is like, stunning in your definition?

Karl: A good looking lad.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Good looking lad. Er, okay there's... errr... ooo...

Karl Sighs

Steve: D'ya find ya know, Robbie Williams, do you find him attractive?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Boy next door look.

Ricky: No, no. Who d'ya- Karl, hurry up cause it's, you know, we've only got 2 hours.

Karl: Probably... err...

Pause

Karl: D'you know, I-- I can't think of one offhand, Mark Owen is- is pretty good looking then, really. Err...

Steve: What there's noth- just name one bloke that you think's an attractive guy. There must be one bloke that you've either met or that you've, you know, seen in a pub. Or-

Ricky: Who do you think…?

Karl: Tell you what.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Tell ya what, erm, works here, erm, young Alex Zane.

Ricky and Steve tease Karl.

Steve: Oooooo! Helloooooo! Ooooooo…

Ricky: Ooooo,! Ooooo little Alex! Ooo I love you Alex! Oooooo!...

Song: Feeder - “Just the Way I'm Feeling”


Re-Introduction

The Last Few Weeks Have Been Genius!

Like Fatts Waller!

Don't Keep Suckin' It

Dickie Anderson

Whine Merchant

Educating Ricky

Wash Up With You?

Tattoo Stan

Both the Words "Twaddle" and "Crap"