31 August 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 31 August 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

In the Beginning

Ricky: Back to form there - Oasis and Little By Little. This is Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, who are you?

Steve: Er, my name's Steve Merchant, good to see you.

Ricky: Thanks. Er, with us, er, the producer in the studio is Karl Pilkington. And he'll be doing the m-buttons...

Steve: Yeah? You made a good effort there...

Ricky laughs

Steve: But er, once again...

Ricky: Got bored.

Steve: Words are your enemy Rick, and they defeated you once again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Just ran out of steam with the sentences.

Ricky: Ohh, every week I think right, I'm really gonna make an effort now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'm gonna, I've, I've chosen some records...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's it.

Steve: That's it. That's as far as it goes isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Maybe you should write out what you're gonna say at the top of the show?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Write that out. Get a nice big crayon.

Ricky: No, I like to keep a little bit of...

Ricky clicks his fingers

Ricky: You know.

Steve: Little bit of sumin'. Little bit of spark. Little bit of liveliness to it, sure.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How are you? Good, good to see you

Ricky: Yeah, great. It's great to be er...

Steve: It's great to be out

Ricky laughs

Steve: Out of the house again.

Ricky: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just, erm, I was going to say because we've been doing this for a long time now with a little break, erm, but XFM are bringing new listeners all the time. I've heard four or five a week.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow, man alive.

Ricky: New listeners tune in to XFM 104.9.

Steve: Radio 1 beware!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, we might take it for granted that people that know who we are, know who you are, know who Karl is.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Um.

Steve: Old listeners, certainly.

Ricky: Now, if, if, if you, you know, if you're a regular then you know exactly who we are. But, erm, for those of you who don't, uh, I'll say I'm, I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Ricky Gervais, BAFTA-award winning actor and, uh--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And writer.

Ricky: Steve Merchant, erm, all those.

Steve: Friend of yours.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And, this is the important thing, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Our, erm, produ-- I say producer. He was the bloke who was lumbered with the job. When I said, "Listen--" See I used to run the desk in the old days when I was working for XFM, I used to press the buttons and run the desk and everything. And then I said, "Listen, I've been on the telly, I do not press my own buttons." And Karl said, "Well, I don't really work weekends." And they went, "Well, you do if you want to keep your job."

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: And we were lumbered with him. And then we discovered that he's not just a, a little, like a little dork. A little Manc-y, sort of, idiot.

Steve: Sure. Sure.

Ricky: He's got, he's got a nice shirt. He's got, you know what I mean? He's got something else.

Steve: Absolutely. He brings another dimension, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. And, uh, he, he started having a little chat and we discovered--

Steve: We both love him.

Ricky: That he had quite a lot to say.

Steve: Mm. Well I, I think you're absolutely right and I think, um- I was wondering maybe we should maybe play another tune. But after that, I just think we should refamiliarize our radio audience with Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And any new listeners, just get- let, somehow, kind of let them get to know the real Karl again.

Ricky: Well if you are new, you'll, you'll find that we like some old songs, some new songs, some chitter-chat. Uh, we get serious sometimes.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: There's some tears and some laughter.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We kicked off with Oasis's new one, "Little by Little". We're going to go back in time now to Iggy Pop and his Stooges with "I'm Bored."

Song: Iggy Pop - I'm Bored

Q & A

Ricky: Iggy Pop, "I'm Bored" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Steve Merchant here.

Ricky: Yeah. Little Karl Pilkington. Well, to reintroduce or introduce people to the first time to Karl, um, I think we should have a--

Steve: Yeah, maybe sort of a, kind of, a quick Q&A Karl, and we don't need, sort of, lengthy answers from you. We don't need lots of detail. Uh, you know, it can be a, just a couple of sentences--

Ricky: Just to get a flavor of who you are.

Steve: To answer these questions. Yeah, so firstly, name obviously Karl Pilkington. Age, Karl?

Karl: I'll be, uh, I'll be thirty next month.

Steve: Really?

Karl: This month. No next, wha- where are we?

Ricky and Steve burst into laughter

Steve: I don't think we need to ask any more questions.

Ricky: I, I don't- I think we've done it.

Steve: That's it.

Ricky: I think we've done it there.

Steve: Welcome to the world of Karl Pilkington.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I think- Oh, I thought it would take three or four questions--

Steve: I thought it was going to at least--

Ricky: To really explain what Karl is about.

Steve: Yeah, that was, that was the first question.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Oh, oh God!

Steve: Absolutely incredible. But um, but we can't really leave it there cause, um--

Ricky: No.

Steve: Because we haven't got enough else to do to fill up the two hours.

Ricky: No.

Steve: So, um, so let's pursue this line of inquiry.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, um, age? What was the age, Karl? In a couple of--

Ricky: When were you, when were you born?

Karl: I'll be, uh-- '72.

Ricky: Right, what month, what day?

Karl: I'm on the cusp.

Ricky and Steve snigger

Steve: You're on the cusp of a day?

Karl: Um, twenty-third of September.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: '72.

Steve: So anyway-- ok, alright. Good.

Ricky: And there you were talking there about, um, obviously your star sign, were you, on the cusp?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: You believe in that, do you?

Karl: No.

Ricky: You don't believe in star signs?

Karl: No, not really.

Ricky: But you do believe in ghosts, I understand.

Karl: No, because the star signs--

Ricky: The paranormal.

Karl: Yeah, but the star sign thing, you've got how many, how many different star signs are they?

Ricky: Twelve, innit?

Karl: Right, and then you've got, like, loads of people.

Ricky: Yeah. You do the math.

Karl: So they're saying that, you know, there's only twelve different sorts of people in the world.

Ricky: Exactly. That's exactly right. It's, it's made-up. It's made-up nonsense. It's non-science.

Steve: It's pseudo-science.

Ricky: It's, yes. It's, it's, it's, it's hairy-man and, um, dyed-hair-woman science.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Innit?

Steve: Alright?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway, back to you, Karl. Where were you born?

Karl: In, uh, in Manchester.

Steve: Okay. What GCSE results did you get?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: I got, uh, was it an E? Got an E in history.

Ricky: You got an E in history. And how did you find out that?

Karl: You found out.

Ricky: Cause you thought you, you didn't, you couldn't remember what you got. You didn't turn up and you thought you'd done about three, one of which wasn't history, and actually--

Karl: I knew, I knew I did art.

Ricky: Yeah, you didn't. I'm telling you didn't cause we checked. You did one. You turned up for history, you did history, you got an E in history.

Karl: No, I definitely did art. I made a little clay man.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah, you've got to register for O-levels. You don't just do it and then phone 'em up and say, "How was that?" And they go--

Steve: "I'm sending you a clay man."

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Send me a grade."

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. There's all things, there's forms to fill out and things like that, Karl.

Steve: Anyway...

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Who was your closet childhood friend?

Karl: Closest. At what age?

Steve: Well, when you were young, when you were--

Ricky: Oh, I remember this. It's a fella. Um, someone Makin, innit?

Karl: There's, there's, well he wasn't really a close mate. Darren Buckley was me--

Steve: Darren Buckley?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Tell us briefly about Darren. I'd forgotten about Darren.

Karl: He's the one who, um, all the, all the girls liked him.

Steve: Did they?

Karl: He had, uh, he had permed hair. Used to--

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: Have his hair like a footballer.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Um--

Steve: Were you jealous of him?

Karl: His dad was a copper.

Steve: Did you hang around with Darren, like, in the hope of getting of, maybe, his, kind of, castoffs?

Karl: Nah. I, I- You see, it's weird with me. I wasn't that bothered about having loads of mates an' that. I sort of--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: I had lots of mates, but I could do without 'em.

Ricky: You had a magpie, didn't you?

Karl: I was happy, I was happy playing with me magpie.

Ricky: Yeah, and what happened to him?

Karl: It, uh, flew away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But I wasn't bothered because it was giving me grief towards the end, wasn't it. It was--

Ricky laughs

Karl: It was popping me, me Grifter tyres an' that.

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: Flying down, pecking me head.

Steve: Sure. Now you went to school with a number or different interesting people. Some of whom are freaks.

Ricky: Two of which, I understand, had big heads and webbed toes.

Steve: Is that right?

Ricky: Yet they were not related to each other and they weren't friends with each other. Why weren't they friends with each other?

Karl: Because that'd be obvious.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Did they, did they wear shoes or did they walk around in their, in their webbed, uh, feet?

Ricky: Were they good at swimming? Were they good at swimming?

Karl: Uh, I don't know. I don't they ever, ever went swimming.

Ricky: Did they ever talk, did they, did they ever look over at each other and think--

Steve: "Yeah, we should hang out more."

Ricky laughs

Karl: I told you something in the week, as well, there was another lad at school- had a pigeon chest.

Steve: He had a what?

Ricky: Can we come back to this?

Steve: He had a pigeon chest?

Ricky: I think we should play a record, Karl. Cause we, I think we've hooked them now. I think, I think--

Steve: Yeah. There's no one switching off now, Rick.

Ricky: No, play a record.

Song: Blur - Coffee & TV

Inside the Producer's Studio

Ricky: Blur, "Coffee & TV." Karl, uh- I said, "It's not the best Blur song" when it was playing, you know, I don't want to diss it, but it's not the best one, I mean, that, that's fact, you know?

Steve: Absolutely, sure.

Ricky: Karl went, "I like the video though. Had a little milk carton."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Bit sad. It's tragic, innit?" He went, and this is all to himself. I'm not even joining in. And then he went, “Yeah, but it’s alright in the end.” He goes, “He finds a little girl milk carton.” Just lives out a little thing in his- is that like you on your paper round, that little milk carton walking around like that? I imagine you…oh, people that don’t know about, if you just tuned in Karl had a paper round--

Steve: It’s his favorite job ever.

Ricky: And he maintains it’s the best job he’s ever had. Innit, Karl?

Karl starts to talk then sighs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I don’t know what’s so weird about that.

Steve: It’s a paper round.

Karl: Yeah, but look- forget all that.

Steve: It’s not the most fulfilling of jobs.

Karl: Look at, look at the way it works, right. You get it out of the way at the start of the day so you got the rest of the day to yourself.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Just as the same as signing on.

Karl: Your own, you’re your own boss, you know?

Ricky: Same as signing on.

Steve: Well you’re not your own boss. The guy at the news agency is your boss.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Nahhh…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: That’s great.

Steve: You’ve proven me wrong there, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s great. Nahhhhh. Yeah, nahhhhh, not really. Would that stand up in court? “Well you were found with the dagger.” “Nahhhhhhhhhh.”

Steve laughs

Steve: “Was I?”

Karl: When are we, uh, when are we playing me new game?

Ricky: Oh, Karl’s got a new game. Karl’s so excited. Oh, just--

Steve: Well we were talking about something before--

Ricky: Yeah, the freaks he used to go, the people with big heads, two webbed feet, didn’t hang around each other, that would be too obvious. Um, you had a fella with a pigeon chest.

Steve: Yeah, what’s the story with the pigeon chest?

Karl: Don’t know how it happened. It was like, it looked like somebody sort of hit him on the back with a big hammer and it had come out of the front.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I’ve never seen it since.

Steve: Could that have been the answer?

Karl: What, why his, why he had it?

Steve: Yeah, why he had it. Possibly, I suppose, in your neck of the woods.

Karl: Yeah. I dunno, I never asked him.

Steve: It’s just come back to haunt you, has it, the pigeon chest?

Karl: No, it’s just that, uh, you know, when you, when you mentioned about kids at school I forgot all about him. You’re talking about the kids with the webbed feet and the big heads and I forgot about the little, old--

Steve: Pigeon chest.

Karl: Pigeon boy.

Steve: Well listen are you- I’m a big fan of that TV show, it’s on digital TV, a lot of people won’t have it, but “Inside the Actor’s Studio” with James Lipton.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And he interviews lots of big Hollywood stars and he always asks them these same questions at the end. Can I just run a few of ‘em past you?

Karl: Go on.

Steve: Okay. So, um, if you could do any other profession other than the one you do now, what profession would you do?

Ricky: Can you just change that to “apart from a paper round”?

Steve: Apart from a paper round?

Karl: Ooh…

Steve: You could do any other profession, Karl.

Karl: Erm, and it doesn’t matter about, like--

Steve: It doesn’t matter if you’ve got the skills or anything, in an ideal world, if you had the ability.

Karl: Well, I think I’m about to buy somewhere so I reckon something, you know, using, using tools and like doing a bit of plumbing an’ that.

Steve: So a plumber.

Karl: Well, sort of an all-rounder.

Steve: Right, right.

Steve and Ricky: A handy man.

Karl: Well, yeah, yeah. I think, you know, you don’t get paid that much, but it’s useful, innit. So--

Ricky: You could get your own show, couldn’t you, with Carol Smillie eventually?

Karl: Well, all that, but the money that you don’t make, you save by not having to pay someone else do the chores, do you know what I mean?

Ricky: Right, okay. I, I don’t know what that sentence meant.

Steve hoots

Karl: Right, right, look. A plumber, how much, how much is the average plumber on?

Ricky: The money you don’t make, you save on not getting someone else to do it. No, just think of that, no break that sentence down. Is there any--

Steve: Sorry, Rick, sorry, but, uh… people who live in glass houses.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Anyway, let’s go back to Lipton quickly. We’ve got a couple to get through here. So your favorite noise or sound?

Karl: Uh…

Steve: Favorite sound or noise?

Karl: Ooh…

Ricky: Is it me?

Karl: No.

Ricky: It’s not me?

Karl: Er, hang on a minute.

Ricky gets louder

Ricky: It’s not me? Are you sure it’s not me, Karl?

Karl: I like, I like Elvis.

Ricky: Noise. Who? Elvis?

Karl: Elvis. “In the Ghetto.”

Steve: The sound of Elvis.

Ricky: Elvis, “In the Ghetto.” Brilliant.

Steve: Okay, and your least favorite noise or sound? I don’t think it should really be records and music. Noises, things that you hear. At home or whatever.

Karl: Uhh… Maybe like the sound of a--

Steve: Least favorite noise.

Karl: Least favorite…

Steve: Sound of--

Karl: Probably, like, uh--

Steve: Sound of ghosts?

Karl: Fire engines an’ that.

Steve: Right.

Karl: That’s, that’s annoying.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Except if your house was on fire, presumably.

Karl: I think it’s a bit unnecessary.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You think that they’re just doing it to wind people up?

Karl: I live on, like, a busy street and it’s happening all the time and it‘s, it is like… just sort of have a blast of it and people will hear it.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You don’t have to keep it going.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Karl: So that is, yeah, pretty annoying.

Steve: Okay, and, um, if Heaven exists, Karl, when you get to the Pearly gates, what would you like God to say to you as he welcomes you into Heaven? What would you like God to say to you?

Karl: Uhh…who asks these? Wha-what shows this?

Steve: It’s a program where, um, celebrities are interviewed by a guy, an American interviewer, and he always asks these questions at the very end.

Karl: What would I say to God?

Steve: What would you say to God- If you believed in Heaven and if Heaven exists, when you eventually got to Heaven and you’re welcomed in through the gates--

Ricky: Like Parker, in your stussy t-shirt and your--

Steve: Yeah, what do you want God to say to you as he welcomes you in?

Karl: Say, uh, “You alright?” Uh, dunno just be, just be friendly.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Song: The Reindeer Section- Grand Parade

The Reindeer Section

Steve: That’s The Reindeer Section.

Ricky: Beautiful.

Steve: Yeah, nice stuff. Um, it’s a kind of Scottish super-group, lots of different artists--

Ricky: Belle and Sebastian.

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: Is it the lead singer from ‘em?

Steve: It may well be, yeah, on that particular track. Different people, Mull Historical Society, Idlewild, Teenage Fanclub, different people from all those bands get together with a guy called Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol and he writes the tunes.

Ricky: And all that on XFM 104.9, Steve.

Steve: Ab-solutely. Let me just name that track, that track was “Grand Parade” from their current album, “Son of Evil Reindeer.”