The Ricky Gervais Guide To... Medicine
The Ricky Gervais Guide To... Medicine is an audiobook released by Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. It was the first audiobook released in the Guide To... series.
New Format
With a new theme tune and a new format, after the disappointment of the NME Radio Show it was apparent that the show needed an update. It was decided that each new audiobook would feature discussion around a specific academic subject. The first, of course, being medicine. Ricky and Steve discuss a specific aspect of medicine and ask Karl his opinion of it, which normally results in non sequitur nonsense.
Track Listing
1. A Man With No Qualifications. (0:00:00)
We open the show with new theme music and Ricky blabbering on about the history of Medicine. He then introduces himself, Steve and wheels out the ol' "Fuckin' Orange" head of Karl Pilkington, while listing Karl's qualifications and education, which apparently, amount to... none.
2. Is He Right?.... What Did He Say? (0:01:03)
Ricky asks Karl if war is as bad as people make it out to be, which of course brings a hilarious response. Steve brings us back to prehistoric medicine techniques and asks Karl of his opinion of it. Karl explains about "Tutankha-moon" and how he learned about him through "video footage" at an exhibition, but did without headphones as they were too expensive. The conversation turns to primitive man, and the removal of the top of the skull to release demons. Karl claims that if he were around back then he'd know that the brain was in the skull as it "makes sense" for it to be there.
3. Put It Next To AIDS In The 'Kia Ora' Bottle (0:06:04)
Karl takes it too far again, by misconstruing the intentional exposure of children to small amounts of germs so as to build up a stronger immune system as "Feed a baby... eat mud an' all that" and that newborn babys are "drugged out of their eyeballs". The gang discuss the irradication of smallpox and how some countries may still have retained some so as to potentially use it in case of biological warfare, which Karl likens to James Bond villains not killing him when they have the chance. The invention of the first antibiotic on a piece of bread is brought up, and Karl wonders whether it's down to hard work, or simply Alexander Flemming being "scruffy" and what he would think if his cleaner chucked it out. "Scruffy Sandra" is introduced, who, despite her smell, was never ill, as no one would sit near her and she wouldn't pick up their germs.
4. Doctor, I'm Gonna Let You Know Now, What A Swift Kick In The Bollocks Feels Like... (0:14:44)
How colds spread through shaking hands. Karl's been ill, with a "sweat on" again, but on the other hand, he's come up with a new invention to help doctors diagnose patients via a sort of virtual reality machine where the doctor can experience the patients' symptoms first hand, but Ricky and Steve discuss how he'd have to learn each symptom beforehand, such as a kick in the nads and a spike up the arse.
5. If I'm Wearing It Long Enough, That Brain Thinks It's You! (0:19:44)
Brad Pitt has been stealing Karl's ideas. Ricky points out that it wasn't even Karl's idea. The bald mancunian then puts himself in the line of fire with an attempt to quote Einstein, which like his old Rockbuster's clues, changes every time, but ends up with the point that ideas are always mental to begin with. Karl's come up with this years "watch that counts down your life" with a new invention (that apparently 'came out last week') that lets him see through Steve's outlandishly bulbous eyes. He believes this would eventually lead him to feel what Steve's feeling, but still can't comprehend the difference between him and his brain. Karl would market this to little fellas with no arms or legs.
6. Don't Put Half A Pineapple On Your Cock. (0:27:20)
Steve brings up the old-fashioned methods of contraceptive - i.e. bung half a lemon up there. The K Man ain't convinced, wondering whether it'd work. Ricky says it would as no woman would be enticed by a man looming up on her with a orange decorated penis. Karl is concerned by the lack of fruit beign eaten by today's youth and sees an opportunity to kill two birds with one vitamin enriched stone.
7. Toot-en-kah-moon (0:30:07)
Ironically, Steve brings up the topic of eye surgeries in old times. Doctors were, apparently were penalised for a cocked-up surgery by the removal of their hand. Karl ain't impressed, wondering why people bothered getting their eyes fixes as there was "less to look at back then". It's not a good time to be blind, apparently, as it was less dangerous if you fell over in the past. Doctor's aren't allowed to make mistakes any more, so Karl wouldn't become one. He's also unimpressed with the amount of time it takes to become one. Ricky hates those who are involved in cosmetic surgery, both doctors and patients, labeling liposuction patients as "lazy, fucking, fat pigs". Karl is apparently not a fan of fatties either, and wouldn't treat them if he was a doctor. Steve closes the segment by actually saying something funny concerning stools.
8. He's Just Stuck Onto Her Like A Stag Beetle Clinging Onto A Leaf.(0:36:42)
It's like the holy grail of RSK topics - disabled fellas havin' it away. Karl is aghast by nurses who would help these unfortunate people and adds this to the list of things he would never, ever do, as it's not "important enough", likening it to his attempts to play the guitar - if you can't do it, don't do it. Uh oh, it's roleplay time. Two little dwarf fellas with no arms and no legs are trying to make love, but unfortunately, Karl's the only one who can come to rescue.
9. Your Arse Takes On The Morphine From The Doctor Penis.(0:40:48)
The lads discuss the scientific journey through Da Vinci and modern anatomists, who cut up criminals as a punishment. Pilkers likens this to people today who volunteer for scientific tests for 20 quid, as happened to a 20 year old lad who turned into the elephant man and says people should only volunteer as a last resort to be healed. Aunty Nora's back, trying out various drugs. This is why she farted for so long in the infamous "Great Fart of 1989". Karl needed some drugs when he was writhing around in pain in the A&E during his kidney stone fiasco. More gay doctors - why are all the doctors in RSK lore homosexuals? He's ready to numb Karl's pain with some homo-erotic lovin', which Karl surprisingly considers, but only after Aunty Nora's recommendation.
10. Today's Cure Is Tomorrow's Legache(0:47:31)
Back to the beginning, and the ethical disputes concerning medicine. Karl ain't a fan of experimentational medicine, as that what led to The Hulk, and he sums up the subject of medicine with "People are living too long". People who get plastic surgeries look wrong. Karl says they should just change their head instead of just the face, and then bends logic once more with the oxymoronical "A problem solved is a problem caused". Karl then realises his parent's dream and becomes a doctor to a man (Albert) who has an inflammed scrotum, played by Ricky, who Karl continously tries to force tablets upon. Albert's symptoms becoem increasingly worse, with his ball skin eroding completely and his arse becoming increasingly itchy. Karl links this to the diminishing number of doctors in operation
11. Out February(0:53:28)
Ricky gives the next audiobook The Ricky Gervais Guide To... Natural History a quick plug to end the show.
Quotes
Karl: "Today's cure is tomorrow's legache."
Ricky: "And this, doctor, is what a swift kick to the bollocks feels like."
Karl: "If your brain was in your foot it would takes ages for you to saying anything."
Karl: "They're not tough babies any more"
Karl: Because I've been in my body for years..."
Karl: "Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well"
Karl: "Every new idea is a bit mental."
Karl: "A burger's not gonna be helpful for anyone!"
Karl: "A problem solved is a problem... caused."
Ricky: "The arse is the itchiest arse I've ever had."
Trivia
- Karls' ageing backwards idea is likened to the plot of recently released film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Karl discussed his Kidney Stones, first brought up in Series 3 Episode 2
Release Date Controversy
While the original audiobook was intended to be released on New Year's Eve 2008, it was released on the 23rd of December on itunes and audible.com, much to the delight of American and European fans. However, Pilki-fans in the UK were unable to get the shows as it had yet to appear on the UK itunes store or audible.co.uk.
Reception
The show was generally very well received by fans on the Pilkipedia forum, with users praising the new format and interesting points of discussion. Some users however, were slightly disappointed at Steve Merchant's role in the show being somewhat undermined by the new format.