02 August 2003

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

Track Listing

1. A Closer Look at My Cock (Soup) (0:00:00)

Some great music coming up, plus Pete Skinner with his Wacky Weather report. Ricky's brought in some Cock Soup.

2. Bondage Shop: OPEN (0:01:13)

Karl is allergic to having his head rubbed, and spilled coffee on Ricky's leg in response. Karl walked past a bondage shop ope at 10:30am. More cock soup chat. Karl saw a programme where "a fella was a little lad, and a woman". Aphrodite? The doctor probably wasn't sarcastic to the parents when the baby was born. The baby wasn't sort of well hung so the doctor recommended making it a woman, back in the day when a baby was ugly so they'd make it a boy.

3. A One-Night Trick (0:08:44)

Hermaphrodite conversation continues. The teenager years when you look a bit odd. When a penis is attached, do they wack on a dead one? Donut/donor confusion. Noel Edmonds is not a man, Keith Chegwin, John Wayne Bobbit. The French artist who cut his knob off for art.

4. Are You a Fan of the Third Reich? (0:13:20)

Steve reads an article about a man trying sell Hitler's penis. Steve is incredulous about the the validity of the specimen. The Albert Hall has one of his balls, and Steve hopes it doesn't fall into the hands of a crazed scientist. In a London museum, Karl saw a metal device which impedes arousal in men. The women back then were filthy and stunk.

5. Happy 60th Birthday This Year (0:18:21)

Steve has a special message for Mick Jagger. Ricky wants to include Bryan Ferry.

6. The Well Known Phrase There, Sweeping the Nation (0:19:00)

Songs of Phrase, you might win if you even get two right. It has no fan base and no one championing it. Karl's face look like a kid who heard his parent can't afford a Christmas present this year, or Chris Evans when they cancelled Girls and Boys. I Know You're Just 16 But Looking All of 21; That's Because Chinese Look Older. Steve reads the barnstorming prizes - everyone's going crazy for Mower. The Polyphonic Spree will only make 40 quid each.

7. Spandau Ballet Golfy Golfy Golf Cart (0:23:49)

Dominic Mohan is in the paper today, writing about the demise of the Radio 1 and calling upon people including Ricky to revive it. Steve is baffled. Ricky would bring back some of his catch phrases and comedy characters, including Ho-Lee Fuk but with no racist accent. A new character named Dirty Old Queer. Remember when Moyles changed the words of This is My Moment to "This is My Motor"? When Ricky and Steve tried to phone up with a golf-related song. Ding dong! Quack quack oops.

8. Another One of Them Popular Things Round Our Way (0:28:11)

Elbow is an exception to The Stadium Test. They haven't taught the listeners anything yet. Karl thinks people listen to Heart to hear Simply Red. On Magic, they do 5 hour shifts and read their own news. Are leaves ever late for work because there's people on the tracks? For one night only, can we back Educating Ricky? Galileo chat. Stop messing with that, make a telly. A fella who said that women shouldn't wear trousers. Leggings are a terrible idea. The woman whose kid had a horse in the house worked on a sex line and wore them. The people around where Karl grew up who had big eyelids.

9. Wait Till You Get to Thirty (0:38:32)

A Chinese listener has written who is often mistaken to be younger. Another has a mate named Oy. A good freaky program is going to be on this week, with a woman with a big head. Karl thinks she looks like a cartoon. Another chat about how they'd be identified in restaurants. What does Karl find nice or brilliant with the world? A nice game of snooker can be ruined when Ricky says "Look at his little monkey hands" or when Steve peers over the cubicle at him in the toilet. Ricky wants to put The Darkness in a show they write.

10. I'm Thinking of Being Homeless Outside the Royal Albert Hall (0:43:40)

Steve is livid about having been approached by a homeless man from Liverpool. A programme about Oxford Street showed The Salvation Army's room where they collect clothing, including a load of ties. Karl doesn't think it's a good plan to send spectacles to Africa, lest they realise how rubbish it is around there. South Africa are in a load of debt and that's without any shops. Who just spent a billion quid in Dixons?

11. Your Dreads are Awful (0:49:02)

Steve supports a musical festival in Bristol, this year featuring Robert Plant. Steve wants to give some massive props to the St John's Ambulance people. Ricky thinks the Salvation Army is great, playing that bloody tambourine rain or shine. Does the Salvation Army get called up if needed? Who's the best person there is? Ricky will check with Carol Vorderman or Esther Rantzen, but Karl's annoyed with Carol's show because other people might deserve new kitchens.

12. Just a Little Monkey Getting On With It (0:55:30)

What was Ricky doing in 1978? Songs of Phrase answers and a winner from Bognor Regis. Monkey News is about what happened to the astronaut monkey after he went into space. They didn't even bother to bring Laika the dog back. Steve inspects Karl's source.

Quotes

Ricky: That is mental, Karl! It's the most convoluted, ridiculous - racist - piece of material, ever to be uttered on radio!
Steve: Play it again!

Songs of Phrase

I Know You're Just 16, But Looking All Of 21, That's Because The Chinese Look Older

Waterfront - "Cry" (I know you're just 16, but looking all of 21.) Mistakenly referred to as 'Hue & Cry' by Karl.
Dean Martin - "That's Amore" (That's)
Jane's Addiction - "Just Because" (because)
Phillip Bailey - "Chinese Wall" (the Chinese)
Roxette - "The Look" (look)
George Michael - "Older" (older.)

Trivia

Ricky's proposed Radio 1 nickname, "The Furry Shreddie", is a reference to DJ Dave Lee Travis who dubbed himself "The Hairy Cornflake" when taking over as host of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. "Quack quack oops" was a popular sound effect used on his show.

Playlist

Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
The Darkness - Growing on Me
Bruce Springsteen - Atlantic City
Longview - Further'
The Rolling Stones - Beast of Burden
Starsailor - Silence is Easy
The Smiths - Panic
Elbow - Fallen Angel
Muse - Time is Running Out
Radiohead - Let Down
The Thrills - Santa Cruz
Eddie & the Hot Rods - Do Anything You Want to Do
The Verve - Sonnet

External Links

• The Sun article on Hitler's penis