03 May 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003
  36. 26 April 2003
  37. 03 May 2003
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

This week's show is going for a Sony Award.

Track Listing

For a partial transcript of this episode see 03 May 2003/Transcript

1. Nice to Meet You Ken (0:00:00)

Ricky wants the best from everyone for this, their last chance with the Sony committee. Karl has a story about his dad meeting a man who looked like Ken Dodd, and another about a woman who was complimented on the skin on her plastic arm. Another time a man on the radio thought noise in the background on the phone was a parrot but it was a woman's Down's Syndrome child. Awards don't matter.

2. There Must Be a Tractor Sale On Somewhere (0:03:13)

Karl didn't pass on the message that someone was looking for Steve to offer him some voiceover work. Steve is livid.

3. The World's Gone Topsy Turvy (0:07:13)

Karl tries to defend himself but Ricky's on Steve's side even though Steve sounds like a Wurzel. Steve thinks Karl can't deal with fame. Steve wouldn't come to a meeting because he had to clean up for his landlady's visit. Karl wonders why Steve's parents can't come clean the flat. Steve wants them to just make fun of Karl, not him. What does Karl think of the tube station posters of Ricky and Steve? How come Karl gets to do whatever he wants on the show now? Steve reads off the Rockbusters prizes. If Ricky can get voiceover work ...

4. Is 'Craptic' a Word? (0:13:08)

Karl reads off the Rockbusters clues. He's a little uncertain about doing Monkey News this week because Breakfast are doing it.

5. How Old Was He Again? (0:15:58)

Karl and Steve are "arguing like nutters". Ricky didn't put a bet on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and wishes he could go back in time. Steve would stop Hitler from being born if he went back. Steve saw X-Men 2 last night. Ricky and Steve harangue about cinemas and cinema-goers. Steve rants about when he went to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the woman who asked the wrong question about the AI trailer, and the teenage girls on their mobile phones.

6. It's Not a Hairdo (0:23:46)

Steve and Karl are still arguing. Women can get treatment for baldness on the NHS, but men can't. Karl remembers Noel Gallagher pointing out his baldness. If Karl went back in time, he'd use a better shampoo. Karl's bald because he worked a lot. Did Karl know his head would be that round underneath? The barber said if you can have a bald head, you know someone is good looking (same with a bicycle helmet). Who would look good bald?

7. I Think I'm Getting the Rough Deal (0:30:16)

Karl won't age for a bit now. Shave the head of the kid with the ageing disease. Face transplants. Karl is like a cat or a man caught holding a mallet over a dead body. Why don't Steve and Karl swap faces? Ricky loves Karl. Steve doesn't feel the same. Never insult Steve's parents.

8. Your Girlfriend Could Do a Lot Better Than You (0:35:18)

Who would Ricky have for a face transplant? Karl would have Barry Sheene. Suzanne wants him to be Tom Cruise, but would Karl then have to be in Mission: Impossible III? The cartoon Ricky drew is up to 200 quid. Boyd Hilton looks like Karl's ugly brother. Karl is scared of Christian O'Connell.

9. How Do You Kill a Sponge Then? (0:39:02)

Badly Drawn Boy looks like Ricky and Karl in a blender. Red and blue sponges liquidised would re-form. Ricky in Selfridges on a golf simulator. Ricky can't pass a rifle range at a fairground without having a go. Ricky punishes injuries. Hitting the bannister as a kid and "Haha God - didn't hurt". Rockbusters clues and answers. Footloose discussion. Steve's not looking forward to the future, where feelings are banned.

10. The Man Behind the Monkey Behind the News (0:44:45)

Christian's got a jingle for Monkey News. Plenty of Monkey News to go around. A monkey named Jack got pal-ly with a bloke who worked in a railway station. Jack took over when the bloke lost a leg. Karl is a humanzee but Ricky is hairy too.

11. Can I Put Them In Room 101 (0:50:21)

Steve was annoyed by a woman on the tube who pointed out the danger of the gap. Ricky grasses up some smokers in a restaurant. Ricky ran into some annoying "fans" in the pub who went through Johnny's left-behind bag. Steve is angered by people who think they can come up to celebrities. Alcohol affect. David Blunkett has annoyed Karl this week by trying to stop people having sex in public.


The hitchhiker needs a lift, but in something bigger than a car. V.H.
Don't be selfish - hand some of it out to your mates. C.
The Scottish fellas can't get into their emails. K.L.


Steve: Karl, you're as bad as my agent.

Ricky: For someone who doesn't care about going bald, or war, or SARS, or anything, you don't half get stressed on a Saturday between 1 and 3.
Steve: To be fair, you are worse than all those things.

Ricky: I'm never bored with you, Karl .. it's brilliant. I'd like to rent you out to people.
Steve: See me, I'm different. I would happily leave him now in the bottom of the cupboard.
Karl: Until quiz night.


Richard Ashcroft - Buy It In Bottles
The Smiths - Panic
Snoop Dogg - Beautiful
Warren Zevon - I Ain't That Pretty At All
REM - Man In The Moon
Evan Dando - Stop My Head
The Beatles - Let It Be
50 Cent - In Da Club
Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
Feeder - Buck Rodgers
Radiohead - There There
Turin Brakes - Average Man

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...
Downloads Xfm Series 1 | Xfm Series 2 | Xfm Series 3 | Xfm Series 4 |