08 December 2001/Transcript
Some Great Tunes
Song: Ash - There's a Star
Ash, There's a Star, on Xfm 104.9, 5 past 1, that means it must be well in.
5 minutes in to the Ricky Gervais Show
With Steve Merchant
Yeah, he's here as well
Well we've got some great tunes lined up haven't we
We've got Eminem
We've got Coldplay, Oasis
We've got De La Soul, Chemical Brothers, Dr Dre Garbage REM The Manics, we got Muse, we got Feeder, we got some classic radio
I mean you've said all those names Rick, but the chances of us actually playing all of those are quite slim
We might not get to them if we talk too much
And obviously, we'll obviously drop some of those to play our own tracks as well
Yeah, well, they are our own tracks
I'm not gonna get into that now
Song: Eminem - The Real Slim Shady
Bibles In His Trousers
Eminem, The Real Slim Shady, now you know that sort of record is, is you know relatively recent.
You know it's quite hardcore, it's going on about subject matters that is, that is adult really.
And it's cool and everything, but he still managed to make it sound like a novelty record.
It is yeah.
D'you know what I mean it's like a little, I mean I know that's the intention and it's good but I mean I think I, it's nice that he's got a nice little tune, it could be like erm a little cartoon figure "Here comes Flumpy McMump"
Di do do di do do du doo.
But the only thing, there is, isn't there like a video you can get now which is a cartoon slim shady, The Adventures of Slim Shady.
Because I know there was the Adventures of MC Hammer, the cartoon animated series, which sadly I never got to see, and New Kids on The Block I think.
The cartoon went a bit mad and started spending, you know spending a lot of time.
MC Hammer now apparently he's like, he tours on the kind of religious music scene.
Yeah, he's gone, sort of found religion.
He was always, wasn't he always like a preacher or summint or just liking gospel or something?
Yeah I think so, cos he used to, yeah.
I don't know, I just assumed he was quite, he was off the streets.
He used to keep a lot of bibles in his big trousers.
So he could go round, giving it to poor people.
Well apart from the great music we've got lined up Steve, we've got obviously our, our regular features.
We've got err, my classic film review.
Always looking forward to that.
That's already getting a little bit of a, you know, attention.
Well, just various people.
Go on, name some.
Well. Can't name them, what by name or just?
Err, s-aw god, what's that one? Awww, Scorsese?
Wanted me to talk about his films.
You gonna talk about one of his today?
Yeah, well no.
What've you got lined up?
Gonna do a Spielberg film.
Err, we've got erm, "That film sounds good".
Now that's not my film review, that's where I take a, a track off a soundtrack of a classic film.
And it's a great track, and I go "Ooo that film sounds good!"
Cos it's sounds good, d'you see what I mean?
Yeah, but don't, please don't be confused and think that that's the film review.
That's what I wouldn't want so.
Yeah yea yeaye. We've got Song for the Lovers, we've got Song for the Ladies.
Yeah, I'm going to be playing a Hip-hop track.
It's called, it's called the hip-hop track.
It's called, Steve Say Hip-Hop hoorey!
Not bad is it?
Aww we just, brilliant. If there's anyone listening like, you know, erm Satchi and Satchi, or macanex or whatever, you know those people that do advertising then we are the people.
We've the people man.
We can, we can market.
We'll market anything, maybe you're a two bit band wanting, e-mail in or something you know.
Just say how can we publisize our music.
We'll find a way.
If we were marketing say er, a band, we wouldn't say "This is a two bit band".
That'd be wrong, we'd say, yeahyeahyeah, we'd say this is a brilliant band they're going, err. "From the excellent!" I like it when they say, it's always the same reviews, they say it's sort of like erm, erm "The excellent single by Coldplay, Yellow" He goes "Ooh Yellow" "That's Yellow by Coldplay".
Why'd they do the bit that says yellow? They've said it, just to show, look I want to see summat else in the song, maybe the middle 8.
Maybe "The brand new excellent album from Travis, featuring the hit single Sing "Sing, sing sing" That's the brand new album from Travis, it features 12 other new tracks, and sing "Sing sing sing".
Brilliant well done cheers.
Well I'd buy it.
No I would yeah, based on that.
That's about, that's all the features we've got innit?
That's all the stuff we've lined up, we're probably gonna, I don't know, probably gonna rabbit on about other stuff.
Karl, unless I'm not very much mistaken has got something to give away, is that right? The K-man's with us of course pressing the buttons.
Pilkington, wait, can I just say there's nothing funny about that name, just straight, no straightaway, seriously.
Let's just clear that up straightaway.
Your names Karl Pilkington, so in school they'd go through the register "Anderson" then they'd go through them all "Camfield" "Sturgess". Well no wouldn't go to Sturgess yet would it?
Well she wouldn't be there would she?
Well no, P's before S innit.
Nah she just wouldn't be at school.
She's the one taking.
Too busy in rehab.
"Pilkington...snort....Ok settle down there's nothing funny about Pilkington".
What's up with it?
It's Pilk-ington, Pilk-ington.
Sounds a bit like plonker.
Yeah, or Pilchard.
We've got tickets for.
I don't think anyone's mocked the name before, I think we're the first ones to do it.
Aww we're brilliant we are.
I don't think people up north figured that out, that it was a funny name.
Well it probably isn't up there because they've all got names like.
They're all called that.
"Oscar Piddle Trent-Hyde, what're you doing? You're late".
Well alright Ok.
Well that's an exotic name.
It's a bit French.
He pays your wages, blimey here he comes having a go at the star of the show.
D'you want to play a record and get back to it? We've got tickets to give away that's what we're saying.
Karl, what's the tickets, people wanna know what the tickets are.
After this record.
Song: Lostprophets - Shinobi vs. Dragon Ninja
Pilkie’s Makin Music
Shinobi vs Dragon Ninja, that's what I like about sort of rock and roll, he just you know sings, tells a story about everyday things.
You know about.
Shinobi vs Dragon Ninja.
Is there any reference to Shinobi or the Dragon Ninja in the song?
I wasn't listening.
I wasn't really paying attention but I'm assuming that some of that screaming was about Shinobi and the Dragon, I don't know who won, if anyone knows who won out of the Shinobi and the Dragon ninja.
Or maybe it's, it's like a trilogy, maybe the sort of get together in one, the second single there's the fight.
Like the mid thing in the film.
’Cause I know about film structure ‘cause I do a film review.
Yeah sure, sure.
Err, and then the final one err is you know the outcome.
The two of them pairing up against maybe a a larger villain.
A Godzilla type.
I don't know I mean who knows.
Ok well they do Lost Prophets would, unless they haven't written it yet.
If they're listening. Are the Lost Prophets English, are they British? What's the deal?
Who are the Prophets?
Erm, I, yeah I think they are yeah.
What? What was the answer? What was that? Are they English or American?
I'd say they were American.
Just having a guess?
Why didn't you say 'I don't know'?
Instead of trying to fool us? KP again trying to deceive us. KP, you were going to tell us, Pilkie, you were going to tell us, Pilchard, you were going tell us what.
What tickets we're giving away.
You're laughing but it works for me you see, because when I was younger I had a mobile disco.
Brilliant so did I.
And erm, it was me, and me mate, Colin Makin. And, the disco's called Pilkie's Makin Music.
That's brilliant. I mean I, genuinely brilliant. Pilkie's Makin Music.
Guess what, when I first started the mobile d-, disco, this was when I was about 14, we just we didn't really go out touring and we would just do it for like people's parties and stuff, and we were called the Rock and Roll DJs.
Ricky and Steve laugh
We drew it on some er, on some see-through paper and put a light behind it, Rock and Roll DJs.
My first disco, I had a two nights a week in this pub.
What, you ran a disco?
Yeah, this pub near Kings Cross right, and err, it was just their records right. And erm, every, I had to play the number of songs every time, the same time of week. So all the locals, all drunk would dancing and everything. One of them was erm American Pie by Don McLean.
And they'd just sing along all the words sort of.
It's about 7 minutes long I think.
Yeah, the other one was Baby Jane, by Rod Stewart.
If I didn't play that I'd get lynched. And what was the other one? There was another one that I always had to play, erm, aww it was a ballad, I'll have to remember that, but yeah every.
Karl, do you think, and maybe Ricky as well, do you think you know much about DJing for like for sort of the wedding parties, or maybe someone's 18th?
Ok let me just err offer a little test for you.
Go on then.
Erm, alright, the buffet's been served right.
People have done some speeches, like it's a wedding do.
Err, so you've already played some records early on, you've stopped for food.
You've just played some light backing music in the background while the foods been served, you wanna get the party rockin' again, what do you kick off with?
It depends, it depends, I've already got it down to 2 or 3 records.
Ok, I'd like to hear what they are.
Well I've got it down to err, erm, Earth Wind and Fire.
That'd be great you know if there's you know, depending on err, or, you wanna go a bit more modern, I'd probably start of with sort of Will Smith.
Well careful Rick, you've gotta bear in mind, it is a wedding do, so there's people from age 8 to 80.
You've got to cater for every market.
Karl what about you?
See this was back in '88 so.
Can I tell you what the definitive track is?
Oh What a Night, Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. Do do do, people don't realise what it is exactly, straight away. Do Do do, baum daun ba daun, I can't actually play it, but err.
If you had the record-.
"Oh what a night" click click click "Late December back in sixty" That leads you straight into a ‘70s medley, and everyone's lovin' that, I'm thinking Bee Gees, there's gonna probably be some kind of Abba track, Dancing Queen would go down a storm. What? You're turning your noses up I can tell you this that we got booking, endless people going "You're amazing I don't know how you do it".
I wouldn't have got up, I would've just sat there.
Well you might be because you're one of those grouchy, one of those kinda moody teenagers, "Oh I 'm not going to dance to this". I tell you the old ladies would've been up. The people with a bit of decent music taste would've been up.
No the first person to get up, is a fat lady in a dress with bad ankles, and a little kid who's got problems and he's a little DJ.
The problem with you Rick is your not catering to the market, you're trying to be all sort of Bohemian, and kind of off, teach these people about music and stuff, there's no place for Kylie, not at a mobile disco, far too avant garde. Alright, kick it in, Grease megamix.
Play erm, play a record.
Come on Eileen, have you got Come on Eileen?
What you gonna play?
Well you'd never play those.
"The new single by Coldplay, it's Yellow "Ooh Yellow" that's Yellow by Coldplay.
Song: Coldplay - Yellow
"That was the stunning new single from Coldplay, Yellow". All the way back to 1999, when was it? 2000?
I think it was, no 1999.
No, was it?
I didn't realise so many people were fans of the Lost Prophets, everyone's been phoning in, e-mailing in, telling us they were from Cardiff.
Yeah, Welsh band, now you were gonna tell us what tickets you've got Karl. What have we got to give away?
Now we kept this secret, we said now tell us on air so it's a big suprise, this is going to be, is this going to be really rubbish is it? Thi-, this, whatever these tickets are right, is a testament to how much they rate us here at Xfm, how much they rate our show and care about us, what tickets have we got to give away? A top show featuring Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and Pilkington, what tickets have we got to give away?
Tickets for K-fest.
Right go on.
It's like a, a rock thing that's going on tonight.
If you're into the, that Welsh band.
Name some of the bands, err, name some of the bands.
That's one of the bigger ones.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Erm, Mark Lanegan?
Is Lanners playing? He's not really?
Mark Lanegan really playing there?
I think so.
God, who's that?
Who is Lanegan? Is he someone you went to school with?
Who is Mark Lanegan? Who else is on?
Who is Mark Lanegan? Is he the promoter?
Who is he? Is he head security
Is this at a pub in Camden?
You've got, got, Nile.
We're giving away tickets to the K-fest.
Hold on, let's have a look, this is the NME, Mark, Mark Lanegan, Masters of Reality. Right ok, who else? We got Nile, got Mark Lanegan.
I can't pronounce this one.
Aww, let's have a look, that's good.
Bedlehem or something?
Behemoth is it?
Let me see, God no one can read, I expected it from a Northerner, but not from a university-educated man like you Gervias.
Let me have a look, where are we then I can't even find it on the page. Here we are, here.
Behemoth, yeah Behemoth open proceedings.
Hold on but I just thought of summat, we're not really giving those away are we? Surely you're asking some sort of financial reward for them? Right ok, right, erm, is there a competition or summat?
Well let's just, South Carolina death metalers Nile.
Ok, oh right Ok.
At the K-fest.
We've got a pair of tickets to give away?
Ok erm err if you wanna go to erm K-fest, it's at The Mean Fiddler, err, Charing Cross Road, and that's erm tonight is it?
Tickets would be £7.50 but we're giving them away for free, erm.
Why don't we say we'll give them away for a fiver?
That's still a saving.
But I tell you what, can erm, if you can call in, what's the number? 0?
08700 800 1234.
Yeah, and the question, ‘cause they’re quite sort of sort after, there's big names in here like Nile and err, and erm that err wosisname?
Lanegan's on, erm, the question is, who wants to go?
So if you can call in and answer that question, who wants to go to that, then you could be one of the lucky winners. Right. After this, some great chat and music.
Could you also explain who Mark Lanegan is.
Song: De La Soul - Watch Out
Pissing In The Sink
De La Soul, Watch Out. Well we're wrong, the lines went mental.
It's amazing isn't it?
To get tickets. And they knew all about them, where they were from, what they were like, and err the tickets have gone I'm afraid.
Death metal's just something that's obviously passed me by, but it's obviously huge.
It is huge, it's sort of huge without being in the public eye.
It's probably the only real alternative out there now isn't it?
’Cause everything else is sorta mainstream. There's no real alternative music.
Well Slipknot have kind of like snuck in, haven't they? Cause they went straight to number one or something.
And it still gets people saying, "No son of mine,"
Yeah. Exactly yeah.
Well, probably not, you're probably a daughter or summat. I can't remember but you…
It's like- It's people who phone up about the-the heavy metal though, they always sound such nice people.
The women always sound attractive. You know if you meet them though they're like, eight foot tall with these huge boots.
I love the fact we suddenly sound like two old ladies on the bus.
And you know what, I spoke to one of them rappers, he was as nice as pie. Helped with me shopping and everything.
I thought he was gonna kill me.
Well I am- I am 27 years old now, Rick.
28 according to Karl.
Talking of my birthday, you know we did er- it was my birthday a couple of weeks back?
And er- we were talking about the stuff that my dad had given me as presents in the past.
And anyway, my sister told me that he- he listened to some of it on the car driving up and he was quite upset and he had mentioned it.
Yeah but- but it was- it was all affectionate.
Yeah it was done with affection but it was like we were slagging off his gi- his gifts, which were awful.
He's probably listening again.
Well possibly I thought-
I had that happen to me once. Oh God, I remember er- telling this story on er- on Xfm and, I'll tell you the story don't- y- you've heard it, but I'll tell it erm. Er- all it was- I used to live erm in er just a little one room sort of bed sit erm with my girlfriend sort of er it was sort of like 80's or whatever. And er it was- it was just awful. It was one room and we had a bed and it was sort of like erm er the kitchen was the bedroom. So our bed- er literally like-
The kitchen was the bedroom?
It was the bed in there and then like a- like a- it was just one room we had. It's all we could afford, yeah. And so erm, you know, the- the- you were sleeping in bed, your head was by the fridge and the- the sink was by your feet and you had to go out and down the stairs to a communal toilet. So I, obviously, I'm a man, I could just pop out of bed, on tiptoes, the sink was quite high, and have a little wee in the middle of the night. So prob-er erm that's fine.
Into the- into the sink, not the fridge.
Into the sink- into the sink, yeah. So that- that was fine. And er sometimes I'd just hear Jane go, "Oh, at least run the tap afterward." And I'd go, "Oh alright, alright then."
And I just remember once her going, "Oh, at least take the dishes out first."
Cause I used to sort of lift- if there was sort of full of dishes I used to lift them up and sort of like aim underneath it and then, right. It was-it was- it was quite hygienic, it was, you know, right? But-
What do you mean it was quite hygienic?
Well I was tired.
Why in the world is that hygienic?
I was tired and drunk and er yeah and it was- it was just er oh it was a horrible place. And we had mice. Erm-
You've had some you- you- you urinate quite a lot, don't you? You're quite a pr- you have quite a problem with urination after a lot to drink.
Well I worry about getting caught, like on a tube and I have to, ooo, you know? Oh well, I don't take tubes anymore.
Well I listen to my dad's advice I never pass a toilet and not use it cause you never know when you might have to use one.
Exactly that- that is exactly mine, yeah.
You might wind up somewhere-
Oh yeah, but anyways sorry, what I was going to say was, erm Jane's mum was listening.
Oh to that story?
Yeah er she said er, "Oh, er Ricky's story, and that story about weeing in the sink." And Jane went, "No. He makes an awful lot up."
"He makes an awful lot up." Yeah, so that's what you have to say, no I was joking. You know, I- I didn't mean it. So er, you know, I think we got away with it. Er, although her mum did watch me every time I went out to the kitchen.
When I was at her house she was like, "Yeah just go through, right-"
"Do you want a corn beef sandwich?" "No."
"If so I'll have it on- some newspaper."
"Toilet's in there, Ricky!" "I know." "The toilet's over there." "Okay, alright." Yeah.
Pissing On Jane
Song: Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger
Oasis, "Don't Look Back in Anger", a classic there.
From the height of Brit Pop.
My God, it’s mad to think it’s a classic now, I was there at the beginning...
I know I can’t believe it. By the way, urinating isn’t bad, it’s a good thing. It’s getting, you know...
No obviously it’s good, I’m not saying that urination is a bad thing, I wasn’t damning that fact that you needed to urinate, it’s the fact that you were doing it in the sink.
With dishes, you probably...
You know the thing is, there are some societies where if you urinate on something, you sort of own that thing.
What society is that?
Cats. For example, cats. Cats, you know, are enigmatic creatures aren’t they, mysterious creatures, I mean, so if I, sometimes if I, I mean I own a lot of things through that.
Sinks, telephone boxes, lots of fences.
Your shoes once. Yeah, when I was chasing you around. Robin’s shoes.
You’d be all right around jellyfish, cause, apparently...
Is this a band that’s playing tonight? It is a band isn’t it actually?
They were on at K-Fest. No. If you get stung by a jellyfish...
Wee...stops it hurtin’.
Is that true? Just for anyone listening, I mean, it’s probably best to check that maybe on the Internet, or phone a doctor before you try that, I mean, cause Karl, although Karl has got useful information, he’s not a medically trained man.
Yeah cause I got in trouble once for coming out of the sea at Bognor running around people saying ”Wee on my please“. ”Please wee on me“. Just running round. But uh...you ever wet the bed?
I honestly haven’t.
I never wet the bed. Never wet the bed.
Ok, let's play a record then.
Are we doin’ a bit of, ah...
You’ve wet the bed, have you?
Well...not as...not as such.
Come on, you might as well tell us.
Umm. Well yes then.
Well, is there a story attached?
Uh, well I remember once, right?
Is this when you were a child?
And uh...Oh God.
Oh it’s another story involving...anyway, once...
Just wasn’t a sink handy.
Come on, Gervais!
Well once, I went to stay, went down to Brighton with Jane for a party, her sister’s party, and we were staying at her parents’ house, her parents were away. First of all, I got too drunk. I don’t think I’d known them very long. And I remember, it was a fancy house party and I didn't go to fancy house parties, but I remember laying on the floor trying to trip people over cause I was so drunk.
The sort of thing that’s hilarious if you’re drunk.
Yeah imagine Jane going ”Ah yeah that’s my boyfriend, I’m so proud“ to all her family. And then we got a cab journey home the two of us, I didn’t remember, apparently the cab driver going ”Is he all right?“ cause I was going ”I’m be sick (makes wretching noises) I’m be sick.“ And Jane’s fine. Then I laid on the bathroom floor, and Jane timed it, it was 45 minutes of me singing ”Right By Your Side“ by the Eurythmics. And then I went to bed, and apparently, I got up in the middle of the night, walked around the bed, and just thought the bed was a toilet. And Jane said ”Ricky!“ I went ”What?!“ She went ”You’re pissing on me!“ ”What?! Well no need to wake me up!“ And then just got back to bed.
You urinated on the bed?
All right, yeah.
Bit of hip hop?
Oh man alive. Hip Hop Hooray!
Hip Hop Hooray!
Oh, it’s the opportunity where Steve gets to play one of his hip hop tracks, something that you’ve maybe not heard before Rick.
Can I just say I actually slightly regret telling a story about me weeing?
Yeah well it doesn’t stop there, I’m sure there’s more, I’m sure you’ve told me more in the past.
All right, just get on with the hip hop track.
Um, this is from, I need to just introduce it briefly, from an artist called ”Mad Skillz“ who on this record claims that he has written loads of other people’s songs, which I think is true. The only thing I would say is the names of the artists he’s supposedly written for have been bleeped out, but of course because it’s also a radio-friendly version, all the swearing’s been bleeped out as well, so there’s a lot of bleeping, but if you can piece it together from it, it will actually be quite a good song.
I’m gonna actually...
No! You don’t own it by urinating on it!
Yeah I am!
No. Put it away.
Just a little dribble, that is mine now.
That cost me over 5 quid.
A Magpie Called Maggie
Song: Gorillaz - Rock the House
Gorillaz, "Rock the House", on XFM 104.9, 2 o’clock, halfway through already, Ricky Gervais Show.
With Steve Merchant.
Yeah, telling really quite embarrassing things I wish I hadn’t now. Makes me look like some kind of mad old urinator.
No, you just can’t handle your drink. You can’t handle your drink!
No I can, I can. I just get rid of it in the usual way of excretion, via the kidneys, down the urethra, out the end, down the sink. Sometimes a sink, sometimes a toilet, Karl.
Sometimes a bed.
Or your girlfriend.
You know it just, oh, embarrassing things. I remember once, right? I used to love nature when I was about eight, nine, ten. And I remember going out with my sister and my brother and their girlfriend and boyfriend, well they’ve become their husband and wife.
Thanks for that.
Yeah. You know, just keeping continuity there. And I used to get shells and things on the beach, and I used to get anything, I loved nature and once I found a, I loved reptiles and I found this perfect snake skin, like a grass snake or another, and it was absolutely, I couldn’t believe my luck, and I was going “look look look”, and they’re going “ok put it down” and I realized they’re a little bit scared of it, they’re going “put it down, it’s dirty”, and course I’d torture them a little bit. And then I thought this was hilarious and they made me leave it there, and I told mum and everything. And then, much later when I had some friends when I was about 14 or 15, I was telling this story to embarrass my sister, and I was going “and yeah, and she was scared of it”, and she went “well, it was a used johnny”, she’d waited that long to embarrass me in front of my friends.
I’d been running round with a used Durex. Thinking that this was great cause they were scared of snakes.
And they were going “put it down, it’s dirty”...“no, be careful of the poison”
It is horrible isn’t it? Have I gone too far again?
How could you not realize it was made of rubber, for goodness sake? You obviously didn’t know anything about nature...“oh I used to love nature, me!” Don’t even know the difference between some skin and a rubber johnny.
Now be careful of the Johnny-snake.
Their little poppy head and their poison. Oh dear.
I always remember there was this kid who lived near me once, and this bird got run over, and he rushed to it and said “I can save it” and he kissed it. Cause he though he could give it the Kiss of Life.
I thought you meant it was a girl.
No no no.
And it got run over.
And he kissed “it”?
He thought he could give it the Kiss of Life, but he didn’t know what the Kiss of Life was, he just thought you could kiss something and that would bring it back to life.
I think it was an excuse.
To kiss a dead bird.
I think he couldn’t wait for a bird to get run over then I can pretend to be givin’ it the Kiss of Life, but really I’m givin’ it a nice little snog on the beak.
And then he kissed it like that, and then threw it up
Like it would fly, like it would fly away, but it just went thwoomp onto the floor.
Oh was it dead, or?
Yeah, there was blood everywhere, it was horrible!
And that...what’s he doing now?
He presents Animal Hospital.
Ricky and Steve laugh
No, I don’t know what he’s doing.
He’d be the worst vet in the world, he’d be struck off. Sleeping with one of his patients. Oh that’s terrible. Ahh bless him. Just oh no. I killed a fish once.
Well I made a little bow and arrow. I was about eight or nine. I made a bow and arrow. And you know you never think. We had a pond and there was a huge fish in it, about eight inches long and huge big sort of Golden Orf or summit, carp or summit, and I was sort of playing and I aimed, and I shot it, and it went straight through it and floated to the top and I thought “Oh My God”.
You pierced a fish with an arrow? That’s an amazing shot.
Well it was luck. It was pure luck.
Are you a Native American?
Yeah, yeah. And uh, you know those little things outside, in the front garden where the front gate, little sort of, four inches by four inches bit that you lift them up, like where the drains are, the plumbers need to get there or the council or anything.
I dropped it down there and I thought “Oh My God, what if that’s discovered? What if they have to drain it?” So I ran loads and loads of journeys in and out of my house, right to the toilet and back just taking out handfuls of Vim, and pouring bleach down, thinking that I can get rid of this fish before the council dig it up in ten years time and go “Send him to jail!"
Who do you think, what do you think they would have done, they’d have taken the dead fish, they’d have gone to each of the doors going ”Is this your fish?“
But I was eight! You don’t think!
”Do you recognize either the arrow or the fish?”
An arrow straight through it. But um, you know you don’t think about it when you’re eight. That I’ll be ok, if I can ride this out til I’m 20.
The statute of limitations on goldfish murder.
You know, is about, I can’t work it out. 12 years.
Yeah, so that was, yeah.
Karl, anything embarrassing ever happen to you ever?
With what, with animals?
Could be animals.
I like animals, to be honest.
So do I it was a mistake!
No you don’t, I thought you were feeling bad about the fish, but really you were more worried about you being locked up.
Well I felt bad, there’s both the law and the moral side of fish death. I mean we kill fish all the time, just not usually with a bow and arrow in a back garden in Whitley. You know, often the supermarket can lend a hand with that.
I used to sell mackerel.
Yeah. Had a pet magpie.
A pet magpie? You mean you captured it and didn’t let it go away? Kind of a pet magpie.
Yeah but then it got really vicious.
Well it was probably, “let me go”, what did you keep it in a rabbit hutch?
No it flew around but it used to just like come to me all the time, but then it started pecking me head and stuff.
Ricky and Steve laugh
That’s not a pet magpie. That’s a bird in the garden.
No no, but I could actually, I could hold it and stuff, it wasn’t scared of me and it knew it was me, it used to come down from like the top of the
It hated ya, that’s what it wanted to peck ya f...is that, oh...
And the other thing um, I always remember like being younger and walking through the woods to school with me mum, and like, I was chasin’ a butterfly, and she said, she said um, Oh – d-don’t do that, Karl! And I said, Why? She said, ‘Cause, they only live a day. And I said, Oh, all right, I’ll get a dead one in the mornin’.
Ricky and Steve laugh
That’s great! That's quick thinking, innit? Ohh ..
Yeah! That’s sweet. Let’s play a song.
Song: Woo Tang Clan – Gravel Pit
A Couple of Speakers
Woo Tang Clan and Gravel Pit. We love that, don’t we?
I love it , yup. Classic track.
Um, we’re talking about embarrassing stories and stuff, and I don’t know if I’ve told this on this radio before, have I told you Karl? I’m not sure. But this was when I was workin’ at the BBC, this is not even long ago, and I’d moved to London and I was fairly new in London, and I was workin’ at the BBC and I had this BBC hire car, and I’ve never t –- if there’s anyone listenin’ who works for the BBC, I don’t know if I can still get in trouble for it. But uh, this BBC hire car, and it was – I’d been ferrying kind of, actors and people, production people around all day in this car. And I was driving back, it was quite late, it was about sort of 7 or 8, and I was drivin’ back, and I pulled in to get some petrol, we had to fill up the car every day. And I went into this garage to fill up some petrol and I was there, and this blokes, two blokes came in a white van, right? They sort of pulled in the four court and I was fillin’ up the car. And they went, Ayyy. D’ya’ wanna buy a coupla speakers? And I said: Yes I do!
Because, I – I’ll tell you the reason .. it was like I was so flattered, that they thought that I’d be the kind of bloke who would A. need some kind of classy speakers,
And B., would like to buy them on the sly.
D’ya’ know what I mean?
I thought, I like the fact that,
They’ve seen me, they’ve seen I look a bit of a hustler,
Yeahyeahyeah. I’m a bit of a street sort of guy,
You can see by the way I use my walk.
Exactly. So they - so I couldn’t believe my luck! So uh, they drove behind the garage, the little sort of garage bit at the back, and I went round there, sort of casually went round there, sort of locked the car and went round there. Um, ahahahey, Yeah, he opened the back and went two speakers in there. I said, Are you sure these aren’t knocked off, mate. He went, No, no, no. We work for Dixons – this is the story he spun me – We work for Dixons, right, and we’re delivery men, and if we make a delivery and the person’s not there to sign for the goods then we have to bring them back to the warehouse, but if we can sell them on the way back,
Then that’s really good for Dixons.
That happens a lot. Yeah. Dixons must love that!
And instead of thinking,
Are you sure some sort of troubleshooter didn’t – I mean, did someone go into Dixons and go, Yeah, You’re not gettin’ in the garage four court market,
John Harvey Jones.
Get a coupla lads in a white van.
So anyway, so I sort of, bought this story, and it, and I was still a bit dubious, and I went, Right, let me hear them then. And he wired them up to the car stereo (Boom boom boom) and they was playin’ and stuff, it was some groovy hip-hop, I was thinkin’, Great! These guys know what I’m into!
And he’s givin’ me the talk and stuff, and um, I said I’m a bit worried these are knocked off. He went, No, listen. I- we’ve got a bloke at Dixons who can confirm this is fine. Right? Phone him up – use my mobile – right? And quote this reference number, right? So I phone up, dee-dee-dee-dee-du – and I went, he goes, Yeah, I got, Hi, Some guys here in a garage four court, trying to sell me some speakers, just wanna check – He goes – It’s fine--- I went, Should I, should I just read the reference number, whatever, he went, If you want. I went, X14 – He went, Yeah, it’s fine.
You know who that was, don’t ya. That was actually Mr. Dixon himself.
Exactly! So I’m thinking, Well, you know, they sound great, they’re givin’ ‘em to me for a knocked-down price. Say they were like 400 quid, they were like 200 quid or summing, it was good bargain. I was in the market for some speakers as well,
So, uh, while they were loading them in –
It’s all kosher, I phoned Dixons.
Exactly. I phoned Dixons,
That’s fine. Um, so while they’re loading them in the back of the BBC hire car, right, I’m in there payin’ for the petrol. Right? And the guy who’s servin’ me goes, Ehh .. I go Alright, he goes What were you doin’ round the back with those blokes? Right? ‘Cause obviously there’s a security cameras filming this whole transaction, right, and he goes What were you doing round the back? And I went, brilliantly, I went, They’re some old mates. Some of my mates. We’re just havin’ a chat and that. He went, Oh right. Ok. Like givin’ me obviously the evil eye. So I went round the back, so I’m in the car now and I’m drivin’ along with one of the blokes who’s in the van with me, because I didn’t have the money on me, so I had to go to the cash point to get the cash, right? So I’m drivin’ with him, and the other guy’s dr--- like followin’ me, like in the van, and he was like a Northerner, he was givin’ it all the Alright, yeahyeah, you know, I tell him, I said, You know, m’girlfriend’s a DJ, she’s got some of these speakers, they’re fantastic, and he’s givin’ me all this – dududududuh, he’s givin’ me this, and then my mind starts workin’. Now that I’ve got a bit of time, to think, I’m thinkin’, Wait a minute, this all sounds a bit dodgy,
It dawned on me, Rick.
Y-y-you’re not a fool, are ya. You’re streetwise.
You’re streetwise, Steve! Yeah.
Not only that, I was thinkin’, How’m I gonna get ‘em home? I’ve got to drop the car off at the BBC, how am I gonna get these huge speakers back to where I live?
Yeah. And how can I pay for ‘em, ‘cause I’ve just spent 100 pounds on Find the Lady!
With a couple of blokes in Leicester Square. It seemed like a fair game! Some of his friends were winning!
But, so I explained to him, I said, How -- I can’t get ‘em back to like, Brixton where I was livin’ at the time, he went, Don’t worry. Give us an extra 20 quid, we’ll take ‘em home for you!
Oh that’s good. Delivery.
Oh, yeahyeahyeah, they do a whole service, you see!
And there’s also a back-up, guarantee, did they have the guarantee, the 3-month guarantee?
But, so then, I said, I’m not sure about that. Well why don’t you put ‘em in a cab, send ‘em back, and your housemates can collect it. I said, Oh no, there’d be no one in. And I was gettin’ and I was beginning to sort of get a bit conscious, of like maybe this was a bit of a scab, after all, so I pulled in to like a little side-road and I said, I’m not sure I’m into this, actually, and he went, What you talkin’ ‘bout? It’s 200 quid for a pair of speakers, it’s a bargain, you won’t get a bargain like this man, I’m goin’, Not so sure, I don’t think I want ‘em. He went – 150 quid! 150 quid, mate. 150 quid. I went No. He said 100 quid, 100 quid now to you, and I’m thinkin’ Wait a minute, this doesn’t sound like the kind of work that Dixons would be doin’.
Dixons don’t do that when I go in.
Is that –
Dixons never negotiate in that way.
Wh-when I go have a lot around and then leave, they go, Where you goin’?
And (mumbles) Have anything, then! Have anything, for a quid.
So I stop the car and the white van pulled up behind me with his mates in.
And I said, Can you get ‘em out, I’m not interested. And he went, Aw. 100 quid. 100 quid mate. And he was just goin’, You tosser, you obviously want some speakers, dududududuh, he was havin’ a go at me. So I was carryin’ the speakers out, and puttin’ ‘em back in the white van, and he was just shoutin’ at me, Dududuh, he was goin’ 70 quid! 70 quid! I said, 70 quid? From 200? This is ludicrous!
You realized that wasn’t Dixons policy then.
Exactly! At that moment,
They don’t usually shout You tosser! As you leave the,
As you leave –
As you leave the shop and walk down Camden high street, they’re not likely shoutin’ You tosser.
You shoulda took the offer of like the monthly payments they’ve got at the moment.
Ricky and Steve laugh
So um, so I mentioned I put ‘em in there, and I sort of knocked the deal on the head, and I got back in my car, and uh, they got- they were in theirs, and I just looked in the rear view mirror and they were punching the dashboard, like with aggression and venom, like, We let that deal slip through our fingers, and I’ve never been so terrified in my life. I just sat there, and I was just thinkin’, Oh my God, all I was thinkin’ now is What if I go back to the BBC, and they go, We’ve had a call from the police! The man at the garage, he saw you doin’ the dodgy deal, with the car.
I love it.
And I was so petrified!
Well what you do is, you put the hire car in the drain in your front garden,
And go in and out of the toilet, just pourin’ bleach down, or Ajax, and they’ll never know. This is Song for the Lovers.
Song: Neil Young – A Man Needs a Maid
Ricky’s Film Review
Lovely song there, Song for the Lovers,
Neil Young, Man Needs a Maid, off the Harvest album, what a beautiful song that is.
And everything. Well you’ve got a, Song for the Ladies comin’ up.
Song for the Ladies, later on as well.
Well that, that, that has set, you know, the standard there.
Well absolutely, yeah, yeah.
Um, were you gonna, uh, do a film review as well later? Have you sorted -
Well, I could do a film review now, it’s, it’s quite a big –
I thought you needed to prepare,
But if you’ve not,
No, it’s quite a big film, and I’ve seen it (mumbles) and it is, uh, you know, it’s a great, it’s a great film.
I hope I can do it justice. Just ‘cause it’s a very, Ok. This week –
What film is it gonna be?
It’s gonna be Schindler’s List.
Ok. And are you gonna do a jingle for us?
Uh – (sound affect) Ricky’s Film Review! (sound affect)
This is a film by Steven Spielberg,
And, it, ‘cause it’s in olden times, it’s all black and white and that, except a, a coat that’s red. I don’t know what happened there. Um, anyway, it’s about a, a bloke, who’s called Schindler, and, ‘cause there were so many people he wanted to save, he had to make a list. To get organised. And, uh, he tried to save as many as he could. Um … and, you know, they made him sort of, not make the bullets properly on purpose, ‘cause he, you know, uhhhh…. and, uh, in the end, they gave him a ring, um, it’s the same bloke who made ET.
Ok! Your review of Schindler’s List.
And, as ever, a mark out of 10, please.
Uh, 9. It was brilliant.
You really enjoyed it.
Ok. Ok. Uh, did the fact that it was 3 hours long bother you?
Uh, no. No.
No? Quite liked that. Ok.
Watched some of it on fast-forward.
Ok. Ok. Um, Karl – have you seen Schindler’s List?
No – I’m surprised they managed to get all that in 3 hours!
Ricky and Steve laugh
Amazing, isn’t it. Would that encourage you to see the film?
Yeah. Ok. What would you give it, a mark out of, uh, 10?
You’d give it a 9 as well!
Ok. I’ll tell ya, I –
That red coat affect thing you’ve got that, that’s what sold it.
You liked that.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Well that was just a mistake, apparently. Yeah.
Apparently, yeah, just couldn’t get all the colour out of it.
As I said before, if you’ve got a film that you’d like to have reviewed by Ricky Gervais, then email us: firstname.lastname@example.org. And I’m sure he can, uh, work his magic.
Or even the, or not just like, the people, but what about the ones who make the films? Like, you know, the ones who like actually make the film, what are they called? Hollywood.
If they want me to do one for the comin’ out to sort of give it a little bit of a boost. You saw me give away the tickets, that was sellin’,
So you know, we can sell your product, and we’ll make it sort of like it’s editorial, but really, if there’s a little bit of money involved, I can probably give it a 9 out of 10 instead of 4 or something!
Rick, would you do that without having seen the film?
That’s fine, ‘cause I, so they wouldn’t need – they could just tell you what was coming up, and you could just review it?
If they said, this, uh, Give us a good review, and here’s 20 quid,
If they go, Aw, aw, give it, there’s no money in it, I’ll give it, probably give it a bad review, to be honest!
Well let’s just try that, Rick, can I just try that now,
‘Cause I know that a lot of people listening won’t be necessarily convinced. Um, Lord of the Rings. There’s a, imagine I’ve paid to review the forthcoming film Lord of the Rings.
What d’y’ make of it?
This is a brilliant film,
And even though it’s all about wizards and that and there’s people in caves called Gonads. Um, with beards. Probably Robbie Coltrane’s in it, cuz he’s in the other one at the moment.
Um, and there’s, it’s all swords and stuff. And there’s some magic. Uh- but he’s actually uh the lord of the rings. It’s like- there’s just one of them, he’s the lord of it. And he’s, he’s excellent in it.
Alright. Mark it out of ten.
Again, very popular film for you. Karl? Let’s convinced by that one maybe.
That was- didn’t sound as good as the other one.
Yeah. No. What would you give it? Seven?
Mmmmm. Still give it nine.
You still give it a nine.
Excellent. We’ll split it. We’ll split the money.
This is- this is the Eels.
Song: Eels - Fresh Feeling
Song: Muse - Feeling Good
That Was A Load Of Shit
Sorry about that. That was a mistake. What a load of shit that was. It was too late to get it out of the CD player. That’s Muse and Feeling Good. What do you think about that?
Uh. I’m not a fan of Muse but I wasn’t quite as venomous in my hatred.
Well I won’t play that again. Um-
No no right, let’s explain the situation in the studio. There’s a certain frosty air now because-
We ended up playing Muse.
It was a mistake.
It’s not that bad!
Well. No it’s not. It’s not as bad as Ricky thinks it is. I’ll admit it’s not as bad as that. But I’m standing out of it, cuz I’m not a fan of Muse. I wouldn’t play Muse generally.
Well I don’t mind Muse generally, but I hate that.
You like Muse normally? I hate Muse.
Well… I don’t hate them.
Says the man who bought the Lyte Funky Ones album.
Well yeah. But I wouldn’t play them on Xfm.
I know! But Muse fits in. I mean your sayin’ you want to play Radiohead.
Fits in … playing a Nina- doing a Nina Simone. Why don’t we play Radiohead then? That’s what I was saying.
We’ll be playin’ Radiohead but Muse is like Radiohead. There’s not a big difference.
Anyway I’m not gonna argue.
There is a big difference. Phone in if you- What’s the difference between Muse and Radiohead? What’s the phone number?
What do you mean what’s the difference?
Wh- Well there they are, let’s have a competition. See if people can tell the difference between Muse and Radiohead. Give the number out.
Can’t be bothered.
Nor can I.
So it’s left to me to keep the thing afloat.
That’s never good news. Um… I went to see the White Stripes this week.
It was interesting.
Anyone interested in that?
Go on, Steve.
White Stripes. Absolutely amazing. I’ve heard all the hype. You know, I’ve not listened to the album. I went along to the gig, got free ticket. Wasn’t even a pound off, it was free. Ten pounds. I could have sold it outside the gig, I didn’t I went in. Right. Couldn’t take along a mate. Xfm wouldn’t let me. Went there on my own. You know, went in there. I have to say, I wasn’t expecting much. They were amazing. There were absolutely amazing. I have to say this now. For- They were the best band I’d I’ve seen that I didn’t know much about or whatever- like a new band. They were the best band I’d seen live since I’ve seen a little band, you might of heard of, called Oasis- Five pounds at Coventry Poly.
Well that’s a long name for a band.
Haha. And um, it was amazing- it was a brilliant, cuz it’s just the two of them. The girl on the drums, the guy playing the guitar. He’s got a real kind of rock guitar skill that he really plays it up and down the, um the long neck bit. I mean I know all about music and that, the terminology.
He was amazing. Sometime he kinda plays with a steel, a steel pedal thing. On his- not steel pedal- the finger thing. The kind of thimble thing that some guitarists wear. I believe it’s called a guitar thimble.
I believe is the name for it. And he plays that- old bluesmen would play sometimes.
He’s got a little electric keyboard thing or piano as I believe some people call it.
See this isn’t a review, this is listing the instruments.
Alright alright! There’s not many to get through, Rick. There’s a piano and a guitar.
What kind of microphones were they?
I’m glad you asked.
Were they SM58s?
Anyway, the point is this.
With just those few simple instruments they had a huge sound, a big, rocky sound.
Quality kind of bluesy punk with a little bit of edge to it.
It was amazing. I was a huge fan.
So I thought we could play a little White Stripes-
-to commemorate that excellent gig.
I saw a band once, right? There was a drummer, had all the drums. Big one at the bottom. Two of those ded-da-dum ones. Cymbals.
They were all miked up with different microphones coming down the loudyspeaks.
I was at the back. It was still “Wow I can hear everything!” an that. Electrical, really. And a guitar. And a bass.
Can I do a gig review, like every week? Like your film review.
No! No you can’t yeah. Well you just did.
I- I am as well informed about music as you are about films.
Who- anyway- tell me- who- how do you choose the playlist?
Ricky is cut off abruptly
Song: Feeder - Just A Day
Where's Your Head At?
Feeder. Just Another Day. Cuz we’re running out of time.
Cuz of that Muse shit we had to play. Um I think I’ll say that’s my feature “That Playstation Game Sounds Good”.
Cuz that’s the main- the uh- the music of the Playstation II game Grand Turismo.
So I can incorporate that.
Yeah. And I’ve still got to get in uh Song for the- You’ve got to get in Song for the Ladies at the end.
Got anything else lined up?
Well I just- I mean- it’s just- I never um seen you spiral into such despair after hearing Muse. I mean, fair enough they’re not a great band.
Well obviously we have to, you know, there’s a bit of a playlist we have to keep to. And we drop the records we don’t like and play the ones we do.
And that’s fine. And if I don’t care for a track, I don’t mention- I usually don’t slag off bands and I know we have to keep to a play list. I don’t know how they’re chosen or anything. But, you know, it’s one thing I didn’t want to play its Feeling Good.
But it was already lined up and there was no time so I was genuinely annoyed. Cuz I don’t mind playing stuff I wouldn’t actually choose myself that’s alright, but you know, it- it- you know we’re not completely free played all the time. So the worst thing is I don’t ever want to play Feeling Good again. I don’t ever want to play Kosheen again. They’re banned.
I’m thinking about putting a ban on Gorillaz. What? Anything you’d like to ban?
Basement J- Oh Where’s Your Head At. We dropped that. We dropped that on purpose.
Where’s your head at?
What else have we dropped today? Let’s- what have we saved people from? Do you know what I mean?
Like playing five songs over and over again just cuz some record company wants it to be played. I mean- you know- If I’m gonna play things I hate, pay me. You know what I mean? I’m willing to take bribes.
Look I’ve been sent some chocolates here by the lads out of um- er- Carter USM. Alright?
Are they still going?
Yeah they got a gig at the Who’s the Daddy Now tour. Alright? They’re playing the Estoria December the fou- um December the 14th.
It’s worth going along just to see how few people will be there.
Well see, I wouldn’t play it, but they’ve sent me chocolates. So there’s you know, there’s a plug. You know. Bribe me, not Xfm.
Alright? Let’s get something out of this Steve.
Yeah… I’m not sure- I’m not sure- I’d not sink so low as to be bribed by Carter.
I mean I’m the man who tried to buy dodgy speakers on the street.
Steve, it’s a Father Christmas with some jelly beans!
That’s- who’s that from?
That’s from the lads- well the- it’s Who’s the Daddy Now tour.
And I’ve got some um chocolate money.
Some of it French.
Any- got anything there from the Senseless Things?
Or the Wonder Stuff?
No, but you know, we don’t know what they’re doing now.
Carter was alright at the time.
Did you like Carter?
Not really, no. It was nonsense.
Well I didn’t like them singing about Dagenham all the time or whatever it was.
What was it?
Yeah. But you know some lyrics, some puns.
Good. Anything else you want to get off your chest?
Uh no let’s-
What do you think about the war in Palestine?
-let’s play some songs we like. What have you got lined up?
I got a Song for the Ladies that’s coming up.
Oh, lovely. ‘Ere, let’s choose a song here. Let’s have a look.
You’ll like this one here. Ricky.
Oh Radiohead. Just. Brilliant.
Is this Muse?
Song: Radiohead – Just
Kiss And Touch Karl
Radiohead and Just. Off The Bends. Now that’s a good track.
It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions, this show.
When we started off there was some light-hearted anecdotes about you and animals.
It ended up with you sort of spiraling into, uh, despair.
Well, you know. That’s- that’s- that’s what a track by Muse can do to a man.
Yeah, well, clearly.
You know. Did I overreact?
There maybe- well maybe that’s what- that’s what makes them good. I mean if music can, you know, create those passions in someone, maybe that’s effective. I don’t-
Well you’ve made me think again. I love Muse.
Well it’s sort of- it’s the punk approach I suppose.
Anyway. Karl, thanks as ever for pressing the buttons and contributing.
Um, good job good job. Shame about the Muse thing.
… he won’t be getting a nine for his movie next week.
I think you guys should kiss and make up, maybe naked.
Oh- that’s not Karl’s fault.
Go and kiss him.
No, I’m not gonna kiss him.
Go and touch him.
I wanna kiss him and touch him.
Should we both go and touch him.
Why don’t we play a Song for the Ladies. This week Drugstore, White- uh- White Magic for Lovers. Beautiful track. And let’s just go and kiss and touch Karl.
Sounds of movement
No no. Take the jumper off.
Song: Drugstore - White Magic For Lovers