09 November 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 09 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2


Karl Gets Aggro From a Tramp

Ricky: Coldplay… “The Scientist”… you seen the video of that?

Steve: Great, it’s… just brilliant.

Ricky: I, I think I might’ve worked out what, what it, he’s, he’s walking backwards, it’s all filmed backwards but he’s singing forward. Now the only way I can work out they’ve done it, without CGI in it and cheating with the lips, is that… he had to…

Steve: Learn how to sing it backwards.

Ricky: …learn it backwards and did it sort of like bit by bit, did he do that?

Karl: He was on Zoe’s show, like, about a week ago…

Ricky: Oh! So…

Karl: …and he actually sang it backwards.

Ricky: …so he learned phrases and then he filmed that.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: But he didn’t learn the whole song, did he, they must’ve, he couldn’t possibly have learnt the whole song, they must’ve, like, stopped it and…

Karl: Dunno.

Ricky: It’s a great video, though. They always do a good video.

Steve: No, it’s very good, very good indeed.

Ricky: So it was uh, yeah, “The Scientist” on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: I had a bit of good news this morning, Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Uhm, I was on the tube coming down, and I don’t ah… I don’t want sound arrogant, I don’t want to sound pushy, but uhm… I was at Green Park, and I’m fairly certain, Rick, it’s not a hundred percent corroborated, I’m fairly certain… that a woman pinched my arse. So what do you think of that? Yes.

Ricky: But the—there’s a lot of pock—uh, pickpockets around Green Park so be careful.

Steve: No no no no no, no no no no no, my wallet was still there.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: But even if it wasn’t, you know, that would’ve been money well spent but…

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: …but… but the… but the wallet was still there so how, what do you think of them apples? Eh?

Ricky: So what did you—did she just pinch your arse and then…

Steve: I don’t, I can’t confirm it at this stage, uh, exactly what happened but it certainly felt like a pinch. I looked round, there was…

Ricky: By a woman.

Steve: …there was a woman, behind me.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: She was fairly old, she was, I th—she was probably in her mid-30s…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …uhm, kind of reddish hair…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …uh, I don’t know if she’s listening…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …but, uh, she knows where I am. And, uhm… so I don’t know how to proceed, really, Rick, I don’t know if it’s worth putting up some posters…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: …around the Green Park area.

Ricky: Well…

Steve: Just to try and corroborate it. If you saw a woman pinch a lanky guy’s arse…

Ricky: No, you could, you could probably get in, uh, contact with British Rail and loo—go back over their CCTV thing…

Steve: Exactly, their CCTV cameras, yeah.

Ricky: …and then, they could probably zoom in and, you know, sort of identifying sort of birthmarks or she might’ve been holding summat.

Steve: And I could hire a private eye.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Again, money well spent.

Ricky: Well, so, uh, there you go.

Steve: So, you know, I’m just saying that, I’m just saying maybe that, maybe things are looking up.

Ricky: Things are…

Steve: It’s getting towards Christmas…

Ricky: The worm has turned.

Steve: Eh? I don’t—I, you know, that’s a little sexy story to get the show going.

Ricky: It’s rea—it is pretty sexy.

Steve: So what do you make of that, then, Karl?

Ricky: What do you think of that, Karl?

Steve: …quite damning.

Karl: Ahm…

Steve: What’s your answer?

Karl: Well… I mean… you’re quite, quite a tall fella.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So… she must’ve really wanted to sort of… reach up and… and have a pinch.

Steve: Mm. What, you think she…

Ricky: She wasn’t a dwarf.

Steve: …she did it with her teeth? What are you saying?

Ricky: You’re not thinking she was a dwarf.

Karl: No, no, but Steve’s taller than, you know, his arse…

Ricky: Yeah, but his arse isn’t 6 foot 9, is it? His arse is about 3 foot off the floor.

Karl: Four foot?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Four foot off… off the floor?

Ricky: Uh, no, I don’t think so, about three—she’d have to be a midget to have to reach up to pinch Steve’s arse, he is very tall. But…

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: I don’t know what your point is there, Karl, you’re just see—you’re just trying to, you know, you’re just…

Karl: No, I, I…

Steve: …maybe you’re just a little bit jealous! Just a little bit of jealousy.

Karl: Well, do you know what happened to me on the way in?

Ricky and Steve: Go on.

Karl: Homeless person called me a dickhead.

Steve laughs

Ricky: How did he know?

Steve titters

Ricky: Do you know him? Is that why?

Karl: He’s a local, he’s like the local…

Steve: Ne’er-do-well.

Karl: …Big Issue fella.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: And he know, he knows me, he sees me walking up and down the street.

Ricky: Oh, that’s how he knew you.

Karl: Right? So uhm… so normally I’d have a, I’d have a bit of a chat with him an’ that, and I walked past him. And uhm, wi—wi—you know, I can, I can be a little bit cheeky with him ‘cause I’ve been cheeky with him in the past, with stuff. Uhm…

Steve: You pinched his arse.

Ricky snickers

Karl: No, no, just saying stuff like, “God, you’re always here, haven’t you got a home to go to,” and…

Ricky: Oh—!

Steve laughs

Karl: …stuff like that.

Ricky: Just breaking the ice, just breaking the ice, go on.

Karl: No, he knows, and he’d laughed at that, right, last time…

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: …so I thought I can be a bit cheeky, right? So he goes, uh, he goes, “Do you want a… do you want a Big Issue?” I said, “Nah.” He said, “Come on, I’ve got loads of ‘em,” right? So I, I sort of said, “Oh, when I was a kid, and I used to do a free paper round of free papers, well, I just put them in a bin and go home.”

Steve laughs

Karl: Right? And he went, “But how am I gonna get any money doing that, you dickhead?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: You see… I can see his point.

Steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

Ricky: He is homeless, and having to sell… newspapers, to get 50p or a quid or whatever.

Karl: Yeah. And sometimes I treat him, right, and… today I didn’t have any money, I had a takeaway last night and I normally give them a quid. And I felt bad not being able to do that, ‘cause I didn’t have any money on me…

Ricky: Right, right.

Karl: …last night. I couldn’t look him in the eye…

Ricky: Did you explain this to the homeless person, the traumas of the takeaway without the tip?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Did you explain that, you know, you’ve had it hard as well. I’d go, “Look, you don’t know—”

Steve: “I had food delivered to my warm flat…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “…it was a nightmare.”

Ricky: “You don’t know what that’s like, you don’t know what the trauma is ‘cause you can’t have food delivered to your flat ‘cause you haven’t got one. So please don’t look at me like that.” You should’ve said.

Karl: But most people ignore him. At least I gave him a bit of acknowledgment and sort of…

Steve: Yeah, took the, took the mick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I didn’t think I was, I just was being friendly.

Ricky: No, I know.

Steve: You’ve got to be careful with the homeless ‘cause I, this is true, I, this is true and this is, I, you know when the clocks went, was it the clocks went back recently…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …so you got an extra hour in bed?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uhm, I was at a cashpoint with a friend of mine, and there was a homeless person sat by the cashpoint, and ahm… we were getting some money out, she said, “Spare some change.” And my friend went, “Hhrr,” he was a bit awkward, he was just trying to make conversation with her and he went, “Ohh… clocks go back… extra hour in bed…”

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: I gave her two quid, I felt so bad.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: He didn’t do it intentionally, he didn’t realize what he’d said.

Ricky: No, I know.

Steve: Just making conversation.

Ricky: I know, just fumbling.

Steve: It’s tricky making conversation with the homeless. ‘Cause there’s so many areas you can’t, you’ve got to avoid…

Ricky: I know.

Steve: …you know, what was on the telly…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know?

Ricky: Although I get recognized by homeless people and… are they, I don’t know where they…

Steve: But you’ve got to remember that’s very much your demographic, Rick…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: …you know, people…

Ricky: I’m very big in…

Steve: …people who watch TV through the window at Dixons.

Ricky: …yeah, in Dixons, yeah, they go, “Ricky Gervais is on…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…pop the telly on.”

Steve: Well, they, they can smell the alcohol on you, they think you’re one of them.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, I’ve had to cut down on that. Oh, I’ve been really good for this training thing.

Steve: The boxing.

Ricky: I… oh. Oh. Play a record and I’ll tell you about that, I had my first week of training, I am, I’m in… trouble, I’m struggling.

Karl: What do you want to play?

Steve: Oh, what have we got, have we got a bit of uh… have we? Stone Roses, classic.

Song: Stone Roses – I Wanna Be Adored


Ricky 'Gyppo' Gervais

Ricky: Feeder, “Come Back Around,” Xfm 104.9… Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. All right?

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Yeah, so I st—I had my first week of training for this, uhm, charity boxing. Uhm, for those people who don’t know, I’m, I’m fighting Grant Bovey… ah, Anthea Turner’s husband. Ahm… it’s a, it sounds arbitrary but it’s actually because he’s, uh, 41 and about my weight, bit taller, I think, but ah… and we’ve never done it before, but uhm… no, but it’ll be fun.

Steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

Ricky: Battling someone for charity.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Uhm… no, but uhm, it, it, it’s, and I can’t believe my luck, because I, you know, I’ve been a fight fan for, like, 30 years and, uhm… and they took me shopping, they bought me all the gear. The training’s great, it’s really hard, I mean, it’s… uh, I imagined it’d be really hard and it’s probably slightly harder than I imagined. And the only bit I like s—the, the, I, I… I don’t like all the exercise and all the stuff you’ve gotta do, I like the bits that look a bit like summat I’ve seen in a “Rocky” film.

Steve: Right. Sure, sure.

Ricky: You know, we do that thing where the uh… the string along the ring and I have to pop up and punch and that…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: …that was great.

Steve: Right, nice.

Ricky: Skipping’s not bad, I’m trying to get good at that. I like that ball that you…

Ricky imitates sound of punching speed bags

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Are you any good at that, is that…?

Ricky: Ah, I’m getting… getting good at it.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky mumbles

Steve: And what’s that teaching you, that particular thing, it’s just the rhythm, is it?

Ricky: Ah, it’s, it’s rhythm and, of course, your arms are up for that long so it… it, you’ve got to keep your guard up all the time.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So that teaches you to keep your arms up.

Steve: And you were… ah, up at six this morning, you broke some raw eggs into a cup and then you ran up the steps of the town hall, didn’t you…

Ricky: With l—with loads of people following me, and I shouted, “Bovey!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: …at the top. No, I’m not going mad, I’m not going mad.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Just, just, just, you know, once every, you know, every other day.

Steve: Mm hm.

Ricky: But I’m struggling now, I f—,I f—,I f—… I woke up today and it was like I’d been… hit by a car.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just everything aches, all the muscles you haven’t used. But uhm… uh anyway, I had a meeting, uh, first time with the, with the people, the programme makers, ‘cause they’re following me for a month and everything, and Grant as well. Uhm… and they said, “Oh, uhm, uh… you’ll need a sort of nickname, just for a laugh.” And I went uh, “Oh, what’s Grant using?” and he said, “Oh, I think he’s gonna use Gorgeous Grant Bovey or… Gra—” “Oh, I don’t know, uhm…” I’ll go, so I be—I’d better go against that, uhm… “What about, uhm, Ricky Gyppo Gervais?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, and I, right, laughed, “It’s all right.” Anyway, I had a freeting with Frank Moloney, meeting the next day, and uh… you know, you got to… do this nickname, and the bloke said, “Oh, I checked out that name, you can’t call yourself Gyppo,” I went… “Well, of course, I can’t, I was joking!”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: He went, “What?” I said, “Well, it’s racist! I was… joking, I was making a joke about me being…” And he went, “Oh.” And then, uh, I went down to get the, uhm, buy all the gear from this shop…

Steve: They’d had a dressing gown made?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. And I was picking all the stuff, I was, like, “Look, that’s like Nas wore. Oh, look, that’s like Ali wore in uh…” And I’m going, “I’ll have that, I’ll have that,” picking all the gear and everything. And, uhm… there was a couple of boxers down there, sort of, like, looking at me, thinking, “Who’s that fat bloke…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…taking up boxing at 40?” And uh… I s—said who I was and… uh, bloke went, “Oh, yeah, how are you doing?” and I went, “Oh, yeah, how long have you been in the game?” and he said, “I’ve been boxing 20 years,” I said, “How many fights have you had?” and he said, “About 40.” I said, “Oh, yeah, help me, I’ve got to uh… think of a nickname. And I thought,” I said, uh, “I thought, uh, Ricky Balboa Gervais.” He went, “Right,” I went, “Or Ricky Marciano Gervais.” He looked at me and went, “What about Ricky Martin?”

Steve laughs

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Absolutely justified!

Ricky: Yeah, I, I’m not respected yet in the boxing world…

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: …but, I mean…

Steve: It’s only a matter of time, once they see you fight.

Ricky: Well, I think they’ll…

Steve: Once they see you fight, Rick…

Ricky laughs

Steve: … everything’s gonna change!

Ricky: So, uh, that’ll be…

Steve: Have you actually, have you actually punched anyone yet, have you actually…?

Ricky: Not any—no, I haven’t punched a person…

Steve: You’ve punched…

Ricky: …I’ve punched pads and I’ve punched a, the bag and I’ve sort of sparred and that. I…

Steve: And are you gonna get a chance to punch someone?

Ricky: Well, well, as I suspected, uhm, my, my punching power’s all right but my fitness is… I mean, I felt like I was smoking.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, but… you know, there’s bits of lung that haven’t been, haven’t had oxygen in them for 20 years.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And it’s ridiculous. And also because… it’s not only that it’s being filmed, there’s other fighters there that are ridiculous, they’re like machines, right?

Steve: Mm, mm.

Ricky: And it’s that thing, I’d go, I could go, “Right, I can, I can come out on top but die now of a heart attack, but never give up…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: …or I can sit down and go, “I’m sorry, I’m…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…I feel ill.” And I chose that one and, of course, they took the mick.

Steve: Well, of course, you know, absolutely.

Ricky: But I, you know, soon, I, as I said, I haven’t got the respect yet of the boxing fraternity…

Steve chuckles

Ricky: …but, uh, it’s, uh…

Steve: And how long have you got then before…?

Ricky: Four weeks!

Steve: Okay, so, and, and do they think they, they can turn you around health-wise in that time?

Ricky: Uh… no, they’re being realistic…

Steve: Or will you be coming out in… for the fight?

Ricky: No, they, they’re gonna teach me the ba—basics and see how it goes, you know.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: But, I mean…

Steve: And each round is… four seconds, is that right?

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah, two four-second rounds.

Steve: With a, with a two-hour break in between each one.

Ricky laughs

Steve: A sit-down meal.

Ricky: So uh, give the number out, I want, I want serious suggestions of my fighting name. Nothing insulting, summat we can actually use…

Steve: Well, let’s give out the email address…

Ricky: …on the BBC.

Steve: …that’s always the easiest…

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: …ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk, what’s the number, Karl?

Karl: Ahm, 08700-800-1234.

Ricky: And it doesn’t have to be in the middle, it could be at the beginning, like…

Ricky sighs

Ricky: …“The Rage”…

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Ricky “The Rage” Gervais.

Steve: Ricky “The Tits.”

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Ricky “The Man Breast”—play a record.

Steve chuckles


Karl The Crusader

Song: Ice Cube – It Was a Good Day

Steve: “It Was a Good Day,” yeah, Ice Cube… talks to me about my life.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

Steve: Couple of emails already coming in, rush—they’re flooding in, Rick, inevitably, as boxing name suggestions for you. Here’s one from Matt, I think, uh, he’s given a couple, actually, Ricky “The Pudding” Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ah, Ricky “Big Mac” Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ahm… I, there’s a theme here, Ricky “Pasty” Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Steve: “The Pasty,” I quite like “The Pasty.” “Here comes the Pasty.”

Ricky: The thing is, Karl said, “The thing is, if you have a really good nickname, it’s embarrassing when you lose, whereas if you just call yourself yourself it’s not so embarrassing when you lose.” Karl… this isn’t doing that good for my ego!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: But d’you know what I mean, if you have, like, Killer Gervais…

Ricky: Yeah, and then you end up, like, vomiting…

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: …choking on your own vomit upside-down hanging out of the ring…

Karl: What happens if you win, do you have to…

Steve: Whereas, “There goes the Pasty being stretchered off—”

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: “—in the first two minutes”…

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: …it’s not such a problem.

Ricky: “There he is, being lightly basted…”

Steve laughs

Ricky: …uh, “and chucked down a mine.” What do you mean, what do I have to do?

Karl: Say if you, say if you beat Grant, say…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …say if that, if that happened…

Steve: Yeah, right.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …and… wh—what happens next?

Ricky: What do you mean, what happens next, what… do you think I would—this is a, a contention fight, the big one?

Karl: No no no, but do they, I mean…

Ricky: They, they, yeah…

Steve: Well, then we make “Ricky II.”

Ricky bursts out laughing

Karl: No, but, you know… do you know if they’re planning on making more money, ‘cause it’s for Comic Relief, innit? So what happens on the night…

Ricky: No, it’s for, no, it’s for charity—

Steve: Comic Relief would make sense.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Well… whatever, right…

Ricky: It was last time, I think it was last time that it…

Steve: Is it Sport Relief, it’s not Sport Relief?

Ricky: It was last time, yeah, but this is, I think this is a programme where the…

Steve: And how, how do we, sorry, how does this, how do you make money for charity from this, do we, do we pay to, to sort of, how many punches to the head you’re gonna take or…

Ricky: No, no, I just think…

Steve: …or how long you’re gonna last?

Ricky: …I assume the BBC donate… money, or someone or a sponsor or whoever it is, I don’t know, just…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: …donate money, ‘cause it’s actually a programme, this is more about a programme, with a…

Steve: I see, I see.

Ricky: …with a charity angle. So, uh, yeah.

Karl: So if, so if you get, like, killed, there’s more money and food to go around…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: …maybe. Well, no, I mean, the thing is, what’s the next step, because… if they go, like, “Right, yeah, well done, you’ve won… thank you very much.”

Ricky: Wh—Karl, what do you expect, that they, that it’s winner-stays-on?

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like in a fair? Where I go, they’d let people punch me…

Steve: “Right, bring on Bernard Manning!”

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah. And the—and then my twin gets up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Wh—what do you, what, it’s just a… it’s a programme.

Steve: He’s not gonna turn pro.

Ricky: It’s, it’s like “Faking It.”

Karl: Yeah, but what’s the point if it’s not gonna go anywhere?

Ricky: Well, I…

Karl: I thought a boxer…

Steve: Sorry, him fighting Grant Bovey in a ring is not entertainment enough?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! What’s the matter with you, Karl?!

Steve: The man’s gonna get his face pummelled in, that’s gonna be hilarious!

Karl: No, look, right, when I did boxing at the youth club…

Ricky: Once! “When he did boxing…” He fought once, he fought a little weak kid, ‘cause it was his first day, battered him, next week it was someone else’s turn and he got battered and he left.

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah, I said, “Right, I’ve had enough.” But it was, it was…

Ricky bursts out laughing

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …there was a ladder there, that I had to work, right, and I decided after the, sort of, the, the first step, I thought, “It’s not for me, this.”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, if you win it’s all kinda like, “Right, well… there you go.”

Steve: Yeah, the world’s your oyster.

Ricky: But it’s a programme. It’s just a one-off programme, isn’t it? It’s li—it is like, you gotta treat it like… “Faking It.”

Karl: Yeah, but “Faking It,” right, that little gay fella who ended up being a doorman, he’s actually doing that as a proper job now or something, he loved it so much.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Do you seriously think I have any intentions of getting into the fight game and leaving entertainment behind?

Karl: But what’s the point, then?

Steve laughs

Ricky: What, what do you mean, what’s the point in, what’s, what’s the point in watching television? It’s entertainment!

Karl: Or educational. I, I watch it to sort of soak in…

Ricky: Well, this is educational, I’m learning a lot! I am actually learning a lot and it’s, I can’t believe my luck. I’ve got professionals telling me, you know, hopefully how to lose weight and punch hard. It’s just fun, it’s like, like having golf lessons.

Karl: Right, say, I mean, here’s an example.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: It’s a, it’s a nice way to plug it, we’ve got Rockbusters coming up in about ten minutes or something, right?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Now…

Steve: Look forward to that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: People, people email in and they don’t just do it for fun, they do it ‘cause they know we’ve got some good prizes lined up.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So they’re doing it because it gets them something.

Ricky: Yeah, my, my prize is that I’ve learnt something in life, I’ve gone through an experience, and hopefully I come out in some way better… if I don’t get mashed. That’s it, that’s the prize, that’s why we do anything, isn’t it?

Steve: I think this is su—this is an example of you, Karl, is you give up too easy.

Ricky: Yeah, and you don’t, you don’t…

Steve: You know, you took up the boxing, you gave that up straight away.

Ricky: …you think there’s no point in anything.

Karl: I did, I did Crusaders, for a... I think I lasted that out for about four weeks.

Ricky: What’s that?

Steve: What’s Crusaders?

Karl: Well… it was, me mate, right, he uh…

Ricky titters

Karl: …he w—he was religious.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: And I, and I’m not, really, uhm… but…

Ricky: No, I mean, you believe in ghosts, though, and shadows pushing people off bikes, but go on.

Karl: …but at the same time, I think I told you once before that I went to the church with this lad…

Steve: Right.

Karl: …because I swore and he said was gonna tell me dad…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …I was effin’ and jeffin’. So he said…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Effin’ and jeffin’!

Steve: Is that how they get people to church nowadays?

Ricky: I lo—I love that, a kid, yeah, he hasn’t quite got, uh, got the idea of the protection game.

Steve: No.

Ricky: There was nothing in it for him. “Either you turn to religion or I tell your father.”

Steve laughs

Karl: Right, so uh… so I went to church with him an’ that, and then the next week he said, “I know that was rubbish and you didn’t enjoy it,” it’s when I got kicked out for messing with a tennis ball in the pews, right?

Steve: I don’t think we’ve heard that but… I don’t think we can possibly go into that now.

Karl: Well, summed it up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky cackles

Ricky: Well, no.

Steve: Come on.

Karl: That’s it, that’s, that’s…

Steve: We’ll come back to that.

Karl: …that’s the story.

Steve: You had a tennis ball and some pubes.

Karl: No…

Ricky: No, in the pews.

Karl: Pews. Pews, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But anyway, so I w—I went there, I said, “I don’t think much of this church thing, it’s a bit boring.”

Ricky snickers

Steve: Sorry… and so you went to church and you ended up… in the Crusades?

Karl: No, they…

Steve: What’s the, what’s the Crusades?

Karl: …they’re called Crusaders, what it is, it’s meant to be the fun part of religion, for kids.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And my mate said, “You wanna come along, it’s uh, you know, you go on a Friday night…”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: “…and, uh, do it on a Sunday as well.”

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: So I went on a Friday night, it was brilliant, they had Subbuteo…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …uh, I played table tennis, in this dead-big old house…

Ricky: And what did they do at the end, say, “I hope you enjoyed yourself, remember God gave you all this”?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, they, it’s sort of, enjoy the simple things in life, you don’t need computer games, you can play, uh, table tennis an’ that... and, and talk with your friends…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and blah blah blah. I thought, “Yeah, that’s all right.”

Steve: I think you’d be happy in a Young Offenders Institution.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: You get to clean the toilets there as well.

Ricky: But don’t forget, Karl, I think God invented Nintendo, too.

Steve laughs

Karl: Right, well, anyway, so that was all right, I loved it on a Friday…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …and me mate said if you go for four weeks, four, like, weeks in a row without missing a day…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …uh, you get a free badge, and I went…

Steve: And salvation.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …“Aww, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t like all this sort of being stuck in stuff,” you know, that’s why I didn’t do well at school.

Steve: Yeah, you don’t wanna get tied down.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’you know what I mean, it’s like, aww, everyday.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, so, uhm, anyway, so he said, “You gotta come again on Sunday,” so I thought, “Well, we’ll have another game of table tennis, it’ll be all right.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So anyway, I go on a Sunday…

Ricky: Who was this, who was this servant of God?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: …I go on a Sunday, it’s like a totally different club, there’s no table tennis…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: That’s how they trick you.

Karl: …no Subbuteo…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …they start handing out Bibles…

Steve: Aww. It’s like a timeshare thing!

Karl: … I was, like, “Hang on a minute, right?”

Ricky laughs

Steve: They trick you!

Karl: So, so I didn’t go again on Sundays, I just go on a Friday.

Steve: Just go on a Friday, brilliant! Brilliant. I’m amazed no one else saw through that.

Ricky guffaws

Karl: Well… well, the thing is, there used to be loads there on a Friday so they won’t…

Steve: I bet there were.

Karl: …they won’t even notice if, that I’m not, like…

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: …d’you know what I mean? That I’m not showing up on a Sunday. So anyway, uh, carried on, it was…

Ricky: Just this kid and a vicar.

Steve: Aww, I love that, you, you got one over on, on the church.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I, I was loving it, right, playing table tennis an’ that…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and then, uh, on a Sunday…

Steve exhales loudly

Karl: …they found out where I live, and the head fella started coming round, knocking on the door.

Ricky: God?

Steve laughs

Steve: He’s everywhere, Rick.

Ricky chortles

Ricky: Why did he knock?

Karl: The fella who…

Ricky: Politeness.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …the fella who, like, ran the club, he started coming round knocking on the door. And I saw him coming up the path and I said to me mam, “Aww, it’s the fella from the Crusaders…”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …she didn’t even know what I was…

Steve: No. She thought you were off nicking hubcaps and stealing cars.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: …she didn’t have a clue what I was talking about…

Ricky: “You’ve been going to church!”

Steve: “You’ve been to church, I don’t believe it!”

Ricky: “You little bleeder!”

Steve: “That’s not how we brought you up!”

Ricky laughs

Karl: So, uh, I said, “Look, just tell him I’m not in, I’m not in,” and she had to keep doing this and they were coming round every Sunday to try and make me, like…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …go on a Sunday, and it was really important that I went and that I was abusing the system and all this. Anyway, I didn’t go, uhm, and then…

Ricky: Why didn’t they just tell you, uhm, next time you turned up on a Friday?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, well, I’d… because there were so many people there on a Friday, you just get mixed in in the crowd.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was jammed, it was well popular on a Friday.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? But anyway, one of the Sundays, uhm, it was, it was quiet for a bit, and, uhm… they stopped coming round, so I thought, “Right, I can go out again,” right, “on a Sunday,” ‘cause I used to avoid hanging around the house in case they…

Ricky: What sort of reign of terror…

Steve laughs

Ricky: …is this?

Steve: It’s incredible!

Karl: Right, so I thought, right…

Steve: It’s like the Spanish Inquisition!

Ricky laughs

Karl: …so I thought, “Great, they forgot about me…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …uh, “Everything, I can carry on me, sort of, me normal life now…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and I, I was playing out in the avenue, fella comes round…

Steve: Oh.

Karl: …and he goes, “There you are, you’re, you know, you’re always busy on a Sunday. Uh, you enjoy Fridays an’ that, don’t ya?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah.” He goes, “Come on, you’ve got to come with me,” and I couldn’t get out of it.

Steve: No.

Karl: D’you know what I mean, I, it’s, like, what could I say?

Ricky: “Charlie says…”

Karl: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, uhm… anyway, he nearly killed me in a car crash.

Steve whoops

Karl: So that was the excuse I used next time, he had a Mini, right…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …and he was driving us there, and he hit the curb, nearly sort of turned over the Mini…

Steve: God.

Karl: …there was, like, three of us in the back. So, I said…

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: …so, next time…

Ricky: Or was it a joke?

Karl: …next time he came round to pick us up I said, “Look, really enjoyed it an’ that,” I said, “but ever since that journey I really, you know, I don’t, I don’t want to get in the car with you again ‘cause… you scared me a bit.”

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And he said, “All right, then.” I didn’t have to go again.

Ricky: That’s all right, isn’t it?

Steve: That’s extraordinary!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He almost killed you in a car crash.

Ricky: It’s a parable, thank—thank God no one was hurt!

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I remember the, the…

Steve: Your life moves in incredible ways.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rather like God.

Ricky: Yeah. So uh... they’re prob—they’re probably round there now, aren’t they? Going, “Is he coming tomorrow?”

Steve and Karl chuckle

Ricky: What have we got, s—?

Karl: Well… will we talk about the prizes next?

Steve: Yeah, well, let’s talk about the prizes, we’ve got the big game, Rockbusters coming your way soon, Rick, I know you’re excited about that. And I, is there more Educating Ricky this week, have we got that planned?

Karl: There is, we are struggling on that feature a bit now ‘cause I feel like we, we’ve covered a lot of topics.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve chuckles

Ricky: I know, well, I know about hairy Chinese kids…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: …and deaf people that hit their head and can hear again.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: So I don’t think there’s lots more to learn in life!

Steve laughs

Song: The Hives – Hate to Say I Told You So


Wet-Knee Houston

Ricky: …and… the amazing… Karl Pilkington. Right. Prizes.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: List ‘em.

Steve: Rockbusters!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It’s uh… one of the big exciting quiz shows, and this may be one of your last chances to play, there’s rumors that it’s gonna get ditched, Rick.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Rumors there that Karl Pilkington, the creator and mastermind behind it, has already grown tired of it.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: So from, you heard them early on, “The Best of the Stone Roses,” from that we played uh…

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: …“I Wanna Be Adored,” that’s one of the prizes, that’s a nice little, uh, Christmas compilation.

Ricky: Secondhand now, then, really, innit?

Steve: Secondhand.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Fifty Years of the Greatest Hit Singles,” I tell you, there’s some great stuff on here…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …it opens, Rick, with, uhm, “Bohemian Rhapsody”…

Ricky: One of the, one of the big—biggest, uh, number-ones of all time.

Steve: …if you’ve not heard that enough already, you’re followed then by, uh, John Lennon’s “Imagine,” “Candle in the Wind,” Elton John, you’ve got uh…

Ricky: All on one CD, Steven?

Steve: Well, it’s uh…

Ricky: These are some of the greatest rock minds…

Steve: They’ve chosen some of the best songs by some of the best artists…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …uh, Paul McCartney’s “Mull of Kintyre…”

Ricky titters

Steve: …uh, that’s on there. Uh, we’ve got ah… let me see…

Ricky: That is pretty impressive, though, ‘cause they are real big, classic number-ones as opposed to, you know, the, the, the song by the artist they didn’t really care about. You see those things on, uh, “This is not available in the shops.” And it’s, you know, the second best song artists have done.

Steve: It seems odd that we’re giving it away on Xfm includ—, ‘cause it includes, uh, Robbie Williams’ “Angels”…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …uh, Atomic Kitten’s “Whole Again”…

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: …Spice Girls’ “Wannabe,” Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head,” and I think it closes, well, it almost closes with Steps’ “Tragedy,” that’s the penultimate track, it ends, though… uh, any ideas? Big, big hit single… “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid, perfect for your, uh, Christmas party.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: Uh, we’ve also got the, uh, Groove Armada current album, is that from…?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: …uhm…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …and signed by the man himself… the “Big Beach Boutique,” uh, DVD, Fatboy Slim’s, uh, concert on that, Brighton Beach. And, uh, there’s all kinds of treats on there… uh, and includes a, uhm, an audio commentary…

Ricky giggles

Steve: …by Nor—by Norman Cook, I don’t know how that works, three hours of him going, “This is where the needle almost jumps…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “…watch out for that. I do a little bit of scratching, I’m not very good at scratching but just look forward to that.”

Ricky: “This, uh, I’m putting a, putting a different track, you’ll see me there… there’s the crowd loving it…”

Steve: “Here’s me, uh, I’m just try—this is where I g—I put, I go from, uh, I go from Conga Squad to Basement Jaxx.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Look forward to that.”

Ricky: “Here’s one of mine, I’ll pop on, you’ll see there, I’ve got, I’ve got ‘Praise You’ ready on…”

Steve laughs

Steve: “That’s slightly dusty, I’ve just had to wipe that down with a damp rag.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: So look forward to that. Plus, ah… I suppose this is good if you’re a fan, this is a box set of the first series of “Linda Green,” I think the new series starts this week or has already started.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I’ll tell you what I found when I was clearing out, Rick…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …’cause I noticed there’s not a big movie this week and we normally give away a big movie. I was moving house this week and I found a video that you’re more than welcome to if you’re a fan. Uhm…

Ricky: Burt Reynolds?

Steve: No, it stars Kurt Russell… “Executive Decision”!

Ricky laughs

Steve: I’ve got that to give away if you’re interested, “Executive Decision” with Steven Seagal in a, uh, cameo as well, so uh…

Ricky: Oh, great.

Steve: …I think it’s on, I think it’s on TV this week, Rick, so if you miss it this coming Friday…

Ricky: Channel Five?

Steve: …if you don’t tape it this Friday…

Ricky: Well…

Steve: …here it is on vi—on VHS.

Ricky: …bring it in because I think Karl’s excited about that, I think Karl would like to win that, wouldn’t ya?

Steve: There’s some great prizes there.

Karl: Well, ho—how about if you come up with an extra Rockbusters today… for the, for, like, the bonus prize?

Steve: I don’t think I’m the man for the job, Karl, I think it has to come from your unique…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …take on the world.

Ricky: Karl, you don’t, I don’t think you’ve quite worked out why… you’re funny...

Ricky giggles

Ricky: …and why things you do are good. Go on, then.

Karl: Right, are you ready then, so uh… just in case, uh, you haven’t heard it before, I give you some initials of a band or an artist…

Ricky: We’re not doing Rockbusters now, are we?

Karl: Yeah, I thought, well, we’ve just…

Ricky: Well, y—you keep that going, I, I love Educating Ricky, that’s my favorite thing now.

Karl: Well, w—what d’you wanna do, Steve, it’s…

Steve: Let’s, let’s hear the clues.

Karl: …it’s just that y—you’ve sort of bigged up the prizes…

Ricky: And so this is only by email, give the email address out now, for people to write it down now, Karl.

Karl: Right, it’s ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk…

Ricky: Ricky dot gervais… at xfm...

Ricky and Karl: …dot co dot uk.

Ricky: Only entries on email…

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: …you’re gonna get three clues, you’ve gotta get them all right…

Karl: And you win all the stuff.

Ricky: …you win all those prizes we said, okay, Karl, go on, then.

Karl: Right, and just a quick example, uh, the fi—one of the first ones we did, it was, like, A.K., and the clue was “exploding pet”…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and it was…

Ricky and Karl: Atomic Kitten.

Karl: Right, so you understand how it works now…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …these are your clues. The first one…

Ricky titters

Karl: …ahm… that army has got some well nice trenches.

Ricky chortles

Steve: That army has got some well nice trenches, excellent.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And the initials there are D.W.

Steve: Do you write some of the questions for “Fifteen to One”?

Ricky bursts out laughing

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: So, that army has got some well…

Steve: Got a similar phrasing.

Karl: …nice trenches, okay.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Uh, the second one.

Steve: What were the initials there, Karl, on that first one?

Karl: D, D.W.

Steve: D.W.

Karl: Yeah. Right, uh, the second one, the top of them curtains are all wrecked… all the material’s all worn.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: He acts it out, though! We’ve got to get him on telly, we have got to get him on telly ‘cause his little face and his…

Karl: So that’s…

Ricky: …his gestures and, go on.

Karl: …that’s the second one, the initials being H.V., okay, the top of those curtains are wrecked, all the material’s all worn out. Right? H.V.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: And the final one, uhm…

Ricky laughs

Karl: …here’s the final clue… uhm, I was in Texas the other week…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …right? I tripped and landed on me knees in a puddle.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: What’s the, what’s the initials?

Karl: The initials, W.H. for that one, so I was in Texas, I tripped up, landed on me knees in a puddle. So that’s W.H.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: I’ve got it!

Steve: Is it great?

Ricky: It’s fantastic! It doesn’t work!

Steve: Okay, tell me during the record, tell me during the, remember, you’re playing for, uh, these, uh, compilation albums, we’ve got the Fatboy Slim DVD, “Linda Green” on VHS…

Ricky cackles

Steve: …and, of course, “Executive Decision,” starring Kurt Russell as well.

Ricky: Oh, God!

Song: Bob Dylan – Just Like a Woman


Dicky's Back

Ricky: Bob Dylan. “Just Like a Woman,” on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Couple more names, uh, boxing nicknames for you, Rick…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: …from Josh, uh, Ricky “Blue Eyes”… I quite like… and, uh, he’s also put “Toad Rage”…

Ricky laughs

Steve: … which uh… which I quite like. I tell you, our number one fan has emailed again, I’m pleased to announce.

Ricky: Who?

Steve: Richard Anderson, Dicky Anderson, he was in touch last week…

Ricky: Anders is back!

Steve: Anders is back…

Ricky: Oh, he loves this show!

Steve: …he’s such a fan of the show and this week he’s emailed in, “What actually is the point of your show? Is it to confuse, irritate, depress, or what?” All of those things, Dicky, thanks for, uh, noticing.

Ricky: Oh, he loves this show.

Steve: He’s such a fan. He’s such a fan.

Ricky: He’s, he’s brilliant.

Steve: ‘Cause last week, you remember, Karl, he emailed in to say that he’d rather spend his time counting his feet than listen to this show, presumably he’s done that.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And, uh, he’s just emailed in.

Ricky: I wonder how many… how many feet he has…

Steve: Incredible. Yeah.

Ricky: No, but he’s, he loves this show.

Steve: Yeah, he’s a good, uh, yeah, so, uh, thanks, uh, R.A. Thanks for listening.

Ricky: See you later.


Karl Gives Ricky The Cold Shoulder

Song: Missy Elliott – “Work It”

Ricky: Missy Elliott, “Work It,” on Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl… Pilkington.

Steve: Educating Ricky?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’you want to do a bit o’ that?

Ricky: Well, the, the, the clues are coming in, uh, furious…

Steve: The answers, I should say.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So go on, then. Oh, this is where I…

Steve: Yeah, Rockbusters is well underway, Karl, don’t worry, you’ve done your work there.

Karl: Okay.

Ricky: Right, come on.

Karl: Uhm… right, Educating Ricky…

Ricky: This is my favorite bit now.

Karl: Ah…

Steve: You’re just gonna tease us, aren’t you, with three, uh, headlines…

Ricky: And I’m gonna choose one, then we’ve got the other two as well.

Karl: Yeah, that’s the way it works…

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: … and at the end of it, you learn some stuff, like I say, I’m struggling a bit with, with, with knowledge.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Steve: At last he confesses.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And uhm…

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: …so the three headlines you’ve got to pick from, we’ve got, uhm… first one… uhm… “We’ll have a big fire to-marrow.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: I got a… I got a feeling there’s some vegetables involved.

Ricky: Yeah. Go on.

Karl: Maybe. Second one… ahm… uhm… “H—he’s a bit of a noose-ance.”

Steve: Okay.

Karl: All right?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And… uh, third one…

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: …uhm, “I’ll ba-con in the morning if you’re sick of having me here.”

Brief pause

Ricky: I’ll have that one!

Steve: “I’ll ba-con in the morning… if you’re sick of having me here.”

Ricky: Right, I’m having that one.

Steve: That’s brilliant.

Karl: Right. Well… it’s a sayin’…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …do you know, uhm… cold shoulder, giving someone the cold shoulder?

Steve: Mm hm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, if you have someone round at your house, and, uhm… you know, you’re trying to get rid of ‘em and they’re hanging around and stuff and you’re, like, “Aw, I wish, I wish they’d go, I’m tired an’ that.” Well, years ago…

Steve chuckles

Karl: …uhm…

Ricky: When? Literally years ago? What, ages ago?

Karl: Sort of, uh…

Ricky: Olden times?

Karl: …I think it said medieval times.

Steve: Yonks ago, then, yonks ago.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: We, we’re going quite a bit back on this one.

Ricky: You know when you… find out these books, why don’t you just pop down when it was?

Steve: Just make a note.

Karl: I don’t think it… says all the time, it just sort of says… you know, a… a few years back.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: No, no, it doesn’t. Never.

Karl: Well, all right, I’ll make an effort next week.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: All right? So—aw, it’s annoying, that, ‘cause me girlfriend said to me, “Just make a note of the time, they’ll stop havin’ a go at ya.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: And I kinda thought, “Aww… i—it’s all right.”

Ricky: Didn’t, didn’t listen?

Steve chuckles

Karl: I don’t think it matters, anyway, in this one, we’re looking at the saying, right…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …so it’s “giving someone a cold shoulder”… “shoulder,” right?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: And what it is, right, ages ago, uh, there wasn’t enough houses for people…

Steve: Right.

Karl: …’cause there wasn’t much money being made… you know, there weren’t big businesses, people weren’t earning good money like they are now… so there wasn’t as many houses, right?

Steve: Right.

Karl: So what you, what you’d ended up getting is, like, uh, you know, the rich people having a nice place to live…

Ricky: Aww.

Karl: …and the poor people were, like, wandering about… you know, looking for places to live an’ that, and what they ended up doing is, they had, like, uh, people would go round to their mates’ house and say, “Look, I haven’t got anywhere to live, it’s a bit cold, can you let me stay?” Right? So they’d go, uh… “Ooh, oh, all right, then, you can stay a couple of days.” But they ended up staying for, like, weeks.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? So… to sort of get rid of ‘em… what they’d end up doing, they’d be making the dinner… and they’d, uh… they’d be making a lovely dinner, like a… bit of meat, nice warm meat…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …and, uh, nice veg…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …gravy and…

Ricky: This happened everytime, did it?

Karl: …the works…

Steve laughs

Ricky: This is where the saying came from?

Steve: This is what happened, Rick, this is what happened.

Ricky: This happened everytime.

Steve: It was in that vague book.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: The book of vague sayings and stuff.

Steve laughs

Karl: Right, so, uh… so, yeah, so they’d be making a nice meal, but what they did, they looked after all the family, and the person who won’t go home…

Steve: Mm.

Karl: …they just give him some, like… sort of a cut-off… of cold meat.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So they’d say, “You’re giving him the cold shoulder”…

Steve: Oh.

Karl: …meaning…

Ricky: Right.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Okay, that’s, that’s rubbish, uhm, okay, uh, absolute…

Steve: Karl…

Ricky: No no no.

Steve: …why would that necessarily work?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Why do they, why do they always, in every situation when you want to get rid of a lodger… well, still feed him everyday, but make the meats lukewarm.

Steve laughs

Ricky: So he won’t…

Steve: They always leave then!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Oh, this food’s lukewarm, I’m gonna go, I’m gonna become homeless again…”

Ricky: And they go…

Steve: “…wandering the streets…”

Ricky: …“Hold on, are you giving me the cold shoulder?” “Yes.” “D’you want me to leave?” “Yes.” “Just say, ‘Leave,’ then.” “No, I like, I like to do it cryptically.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “That way, in years to come…”

Steve laughs

Karl groans

Ricky: “…someone will have a little saying about it.”

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah, well, that, that was “I’ll ba-con in the morning…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “…if you’ve had enough of me,” we’ll… leave that.

Steve: Well, we’ll, we’ll…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: “I’ll ba-con in the morning…”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “I’ll ba-con in the morning if you’ve had enough of me!”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Oh!

Karl: So, so...

Steve: We’ll come back—what are the others again, just tease us again with the others…

Karl: ...you’ve got…

Steve: …we’ll come back to those.

Karl: …you’ve got, “He’s a bit of a noose-ance”…

Ricky snickers

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: …and, ah, and, ah, “We’ll have a big fire to-marrow.”

Steve: Nice, looking forward to that.

Karl: Okay.

Ricky sighs loudly

Song: Nirvana – The Man Who Sold the World


The Old Man And The Twix

Steve: Nirvana…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …and their version of “The Man Who Sold the World,” the David Bowie tune.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It’s good.

Ricky: Good tune. Good tu—good tune…

Steve: New tune from that, uh, new Nirvana compilation.

Ricky: I like that version, I like the David Bowie version.

Steve: You can’t decide, can you, Rick? You’re torn.

Ricky: In fact, I like the Lulu version as well!

Steve: Is there a Lulu version?

Ricky: Maybe we should play that one week.

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Was this recorded, what, in the ‘70s?

Ricky: I think she recorded it about the same time…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: …as David Bowie, I do—I don’t, maybe released it as a single, I think it was just on a… yeah, so, uh, off the album. Karl…

Steve: Interesting.

Ricky: …Karl, Karl is studying. Okay, what’s the next one, what’s the next Educating Ricky?

Karl: Well, I don’t know uh… see, like I say, I was loo—looking around and there’s stuff that… is interesting… right, I was looking on the Web…

Ricky: But there’s no point.

Karl: Well, it’s just that I found one about, uh…

Ricky: What’s the point?

Karl: …about a lad who, uh, eight years old…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …b—but he’s still breast-fed.

Ricky chuckles

Steve bursts out laughing

Karl: Now… I don’t know if you can get anything out of that.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Ricky: Is that what his mum said?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: So…

Ricky: What do you mean, “I don’t know if I can get anything out of that”? You don’t need to!

Karl: No, it’s, it’s just that…

Ricky: Where did you read that?

Karl: That was on the Internet.

Ricky: Oh! Well, yeah.

Karl: Ahm…

Steve: Y—you’re always unspeci—unspecific when you mention it, it’s just, “It was on the Internet.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I’m trying to think what I put in, I think I put in, “Why?” to see if I’d confuse the computer.

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Karl: And then…

Ricky: Karl! You are…!

Karl: No, I did a…

Ricky: No, honestly!

Karl: …I did a search, put in “Why?” and I came—it came up with funny things that, like, “Why d—is this person doing that,” “Why is that…” And it had a picture of this eight-year-old lad, sort of, you know, on his mam’s nipple, and, uhm, it was saying, you know, “Is…”

Ricky titters

Ricky: Oh, God.

Karl: “…is this healthy?”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Mm. Mm. You’re sure that wasn’t asking you that question?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh! What, I, wh—“I put in ‘Why?’”…

Ricky and Steve: “…just to confuse the computer!”

Ricky: I want the computer to go, “What do you mean?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Stop it!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh! Ye—last week, uh, I was walking, uhm, uh, home with him, and I went—he was saying summat stupid and I went, “I’ve got a competition for next week! Let’s do a phone-in, and it’s called ‘Karl Pilkington: Genius or Fool?’”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right? And he went, “No… no.” I went, “Why not?” He went, “Well… nah… it’d be confusing ‘cause, ‘cause they say… there’s no difference between genius and being a fool.”

Steve laughs

Karl: They do, though, don’t they?

Ricky: No! That’s…

Steve: Who say…

Ricky: …no, no, but…

Steve: …who says that?

Ricky: …it’s rubbish, and people say, “There’s a fine line between madness and genius.” And…

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: …you know, it’s a ridiculous sound bite. Uh, they don’t say, “There’s a fine line between genius and an idiot.”

Steve: Well, the people who do are idiots.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah!

Karl: So what, what would you do there, though, just to sort of wrap that little thing up, what would you do, that lad loves his mam’s… his mam’s milk…

Ricky: What are you try—what are you asking me to come up with?

Steve chuckles

Karl: No, I’m just…

Ricky: A title for the, the story…

Karl: No no no no, it’s just, it’s just what would you do? Right?

Ricky: What do you mean what would I do?

Karl: Well, it’s causing a bit of a problem in the area. Right?

Ricky: What area?!

Karl: In, in America, I think it was.

Ricky: Oh, America, are—a problem, are they, George Bush is worried about this kid?

Karl: Well…

Ricky: Who’s breast-feeding at eight?

Karl: …imagine it like this…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: ...right?

Ricky: No, lis—Karl, what are you asking me? About this spurious story you saw on the Internet…

Karl: I saw on the Internet…

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: …there’s an eight-year-old lad, he likes his mam’s milk…

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: …and… it’s saying, “Is this right, should it be going on?”

Ricky: No, it’s not, but what, what…

Steve: What do you want Ricky to do about it, it’s not his responsibility!

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: No, but, but the little town that he lives in, they’re all causing an uproar, right?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Going, “This isn’t right, you know…”

Steve: No.

Karl: “…I can’t let me kid play out in case he’s in the garden with his mam getting a bit hungry.” Right?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: So…

Ricky: Oh, God.

Karl: …what should they do? Because his, his mam’s saying, “Well, he likes it.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And he, you know… what, so what do you do?

Ricky: I don’t know the laws.

Karl: No, but I’m not asking you to sort out the laws, I’m just saying if you lived in that neighbourhood…

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: …what would you s—if you… went up to him, said, “Look… everyone’s getting a bit fed up with this, love…”

Ricky: I’d, so, what, what, what, what would I do? What do you mean, what would I do?

Steve laughs

Ricky: What, what are you asking me?

Steve chuckles

Karl: Right, it doesn’t matter.

Ricky: No, no, no, no, what are you asking me? What are you asking me and Steve? And the public?

Karl: I’m just saying, say, if you live next door to this woman…

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: …right? The kid’s hungry, eight years old, he’s out playing on his bike and he goes, “Mam, I’m getting a bit peckish,” and he goes, “All right, son”… she whoops one out…

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: …uhm, and he starts having his, having his milk, right?

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: You live, you live next door, you’re putting your washing out, and you see this going on.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: You’re getting a bit sick of it ‘cause it’s gone on for months.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Ricky: Eight years, I assume.

Steve: Why is it your business? Why are you…

Karl: Just because…

Steve: …why are you such a nosy neighbour that you’re concerned?

Ricky: What would you do, Karl? Let’s turn it back on you.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: What would you do?

Steve: What’s your solution?

Ricky: What would you do?

Karl: Well… I thought… I’d say, “Right, why are you doing this?” and she’d say… uhm… “‘Cause he likes it.” And I go, “All right, then. Put it in a bowl first.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: (off-mic) Genius! Solved!

Steve: And you think that would sort that out?

Karl: No, because I, I was thinking about the whole thing, right, and…

Clang off-mic

Karl: …you do that when you’re a baby, and everything’s all right, innit?

Ricky chortles

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No one bats an eyelid…

Steve: Sure.

Karl: …at a little baby… having a, having a bit of milk from its mam’s…

Ricky: Breast.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You’d almost say it was natural.

Karl: But you grow out of it.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: It’s like you don’t see…

Thud off-mic

Karl: …it got me thinking about things you don’t see. And you don’t see…

Ricky chortles

Ricky: Did you put this into a computer? “Show me things you don’t see”?

Steve: What else don’t you see?

Karl: Well, you don’t see, like, an old man having a Twix.

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Karl: You never…

Ricky cackles

Steve whimpers

Thud off-mic

Ricky: (off-mic) Oh!

Karl: So what…

Ricky: (off-mic) Oh G—!

Ricky guffaws

Ricky: (off-mic) You know the, you know the terrible thing about all this, Steve, is he’s right!

Steve: You don’t see an old man having a Twix!

Ricky: No! I know, that’s the terrible thing!

Karl: But… but, so what they have got, right, they’ve made old man toffees, haven’t they, they’ve come up with Werther’s.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Old man toffees! Is that a song? (sings) “Old…” Oh, God! You don’t see an old man…

Karl: No. No, listen, though…

Ricky laughs and squeaks

Karl: …so they’ve got their Werther’s, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky guffaws

Ricky: Look at him!

Karl: Forget it.

Ricky: You’d think he’s giving a lecture…

Karl: Forget it.

Ricky: …at Oxford!

Karl: It’s not, it’s not going anywhere.

Ricky: No, go on! Sorry. Go on.

Karl: I’m just saying…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …you grow out of things…

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: …and the old man, I’m sure when he was a kid, he’d have a Twix…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …but now it doesn’t look right, so he’s having…

Ricky chortles

Ricky: It doesn’t look right!

Karl: …so…

Ricky: Right!

Steve: I don’t think Werther’s Originals were specially designed for old people, I think they were sweets that just happened to have been made for years.

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: That’s why old people eat them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They didn’t go, “Hang on, there’s a market here…”

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: “…I’ve noticed old people aren’t eating Twixes. Quick, let’s make some…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “…old man sweets.”

Ricky: But then, then, in that advert, he gives it to his grandson as well, doesn’t he, he goes, “Have a Werther’s Original!”

Steve: Ah, I think it, it cuts, though, before he throws it back in his face and goes, “Get me a Twix!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “And a damn Curly Wurly, granddad! You old fool!”

Ricky laughs

Song: Electric Six – Danger! High Voltage


Karl's Bone-fire

Ricky: Electric Six… “Danger! High Voltage” on Xfm, 104.9, sums up this show, danger, high voltage, rrrrrrrah!

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve Merchant, and the amazing Karl Pilkington. So other things you don’t see, Karl, got any other ones or… you’ve obviously been thinking about this.

Karl: Ahm…

Ricky: What confuses you, when you look out your window what confuses you with the world, what, what do you walk around going, “Oh, that’s a bit weird.” I remember, ahm, when you were in, uh, Edinburgh, you were confused ‘cause you someone putting a parking ticket on some rubbish. Which confused ya.

Karl: Yeah…

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: …yeah, that, that was weird.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Ahm… the world’s a crazy place, innit…

Steve: Sure.

Karl: …I mean, whatever you look at…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …you can… d’you know what I mean?

Ricky: Like what? Like what?

Karl: Well, d—anything. I mean, you can look out of the window there and you’ll see something and you go, “Why are they, why are they doing that?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “What are they doing that for?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Ah…

Steve: I tell you there’s, uh, there’s, maybe we should bring back White Van Karl, there’s some interesting questions this week, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: We could pull, we could pull that out of the bag if you’re interested.

Ricky: Shall we do that?

Steve: Just, uh, get, uh, Karl’s take on the world’s news.

Ricky: Let’s do it, let’s do it.

Steve: I tell you, we’ll do that in a second, let’s have another Educating Ricky because I think…

Karl: Well…

Steve: …you got sidetracked with your, your talk of…

Karl: …well, just one of them things you don’t see, look at the way when I went to school, there was two kids with them big heads.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Now…

Steve and Karl: Never see ‘em.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah, but no one else saw them anyway, Karl. It’s only you that saw two of them, not related, and wouldn’t hang around with each other ‘cause you think they thought it would be too obvious.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Webbed… webbed fingers and big heads! That’s amazing.

Karl: And there was the kid with the pigeon chest. So…

Ricky: Oh, yeah, and the, and the… the lady with the head like a bag of spuds.

Karl: Oh yeah…

Steve: Let’s not go through these again, it just raises too many questions that can’t be answered.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Right then, so, uhm… we’ve got, uhm, “We’ll have a big fire to-marrow.”

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: Is that the one you want?

Steve: Let’s go for it.

Karl: Right, uhm… I think… this was, like, round the 1700s…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Bluffing.

Steve laughs

Karl: …uhm… and…

Ricky: Just bluffing.

Karl: …ba—it was…

Steve: Who was the king then?

Brief pause

Karl: Dunno.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: But it’s a—it’s about the word “bon—,” “bonfire.” Right?

Ricky: Bonfire.

Karl: Bonfire.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’you know where it comes from?

Ricky: No. Go on.

Steve: No.

Karl: Right, what happened is, got nothing to do with Guy Fawkes an’ that, which is what I thought when I saw it, it’s got nothing to do with that. But ages ago, uh, 1700s…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …uhm, the, uhm… didn’t have enough houses, like I mentioned…

Steve chuckles

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: …so… if that happens you get people living on the streets…

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: …you get diseases, people aren’t cleaning properly…

Ricky: No.

Karl: …so you get more deaths.

Steve: Mm hm.

Karl: All right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So… think about it, you’ve got all these dead bodies lying around… ah, they’re running out of space… ‘cause it’s, like… I don’t know, I don’t know why they’re running out of space. But…

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Okay.

Karl: …they haven’t, they haven’t got… much—I don’t know why, really.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I was gonna say they should’ve just buried them, but…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …there was probably more land back then than now…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: He doesn’t need anyone else in the room… to have, to have a dialogue!

Steve: He’s having a conversation with himself!

Ricky: I know, yeah! We could leave and we’d come back and he’d go, “I’ve sorted it!” Yeah, yeah!

Karl: But anyway, for some reason, uh…

Ricky: They, they, presumably, if, if it’s gonna be they burnt ‘em, it’s presumably to do, to, to, that it also kills… the parasite or, or whatever’s carrying the parasite on them as opposed to burying them, and not killing the disease.

Karl: Well, yeah. So that’s, that, there you go, you’ve worked it out. They, they piled them up.

Ricky titters

Karl: And they turned it into a celebration ‘cause it was, a lot of fed-up people at that time…

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Is this gonna be the word “bon,” meaning good?

Karl: No no no.

Ricky: Oh.

Karl: I’ll tell you in a minute.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: So, you’ve got all these people who are, like, going around… and, like, “Oh, you know, so-and-so died the other day.” And, you know, nearly every week someone they knew was dying.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So you can imagine, like, just constant, like, being depressed.

Steve: Mm hm.

Karl: So—and they’ve got all these bodies lying everywhere so, like, “Oh, God… what are we gonna do?”

Steve chuckles

Karl: So they said… “We’re all too fed up… at the moment.”

Ricky chuckles

Karl: They said, “Let’s, let’s make this a better world…”

Ricky: This was 1701 by the time they got together.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So they said, uh, “What we need to do is, uh, have a big party.”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: So they said, “Yeah, yeah…”

Steve: Good thinking.

Karl: “…I see what you’re thinking.” So, ahm, they go, “Right, we’ll, we’ll put all the bodies…”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: “…in a big pile…”

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …and they’re all diseased an’ that…

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: …so they set, they set fire to the bodies…

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and they said, they said, “Let’s have this as a celebration to remember them…”

Steve: Mm hm.

Karl: “…by, and, you know, ah… we’ll, we’ll have a drink an’ that and have a chat, we’ll have this big fire going,” and it came from “bone fire.”

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So it was…

Steve: Bone fire.

Karl: …it was, it was all the bones… “bonfire”… is, is bone fire.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Excellent.

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky: That’s interesting.

Karl: So… that’s, that’s how it came about.

Steve: Yeah. In the 1700s…

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: …that was.

Ricky: Nah, it probably, I reckon it was 1600…

Steve: Probably earlier.

Ricky: …I reckon it was the plague…

Steve: Mm. Mm. Mm.

Ricky: …I reckon it came from.

Steve: But, uh, interesting stuff, interesting stuff.

Karl: Yeah, so that, that’s, uh…

Steve: Did you celebrate Bonfire Night, is that a big celebration for you?

Karl: Nah.

Steve: Do you like the fireworks? I’m… sick of fireworks, I just think it’s the w—they’re rubbish.

Ricky: Yeah, I, I’m, I’m… not impressed.

Steve: I’ve never been impressed by fireworks.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Even as a kid, you know, you have to go to, like, sort of community kind of gatherings at the bonfire and fireworks…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …and there’s some local vicar or whatever who would come out and…

Ricky: But I also think the adults think the kids love it…

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: …and they’re, if they, they, they just got together and said, “Shall we go and see it?” They’d all go, “No.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Let’s not go.”

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: “Let’s not go this year.”

Steve: What would be better is if the vicar had wheeled out, like, a massive rocket…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …climbed in, gone, “Last one to the moon is a bender…”

Ricky laughs

Steve: …and then fired himself off, now that… I’d pay to see, that’s a fireworks display I’d like to see. As it is, it’s just rubbish.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s excellent.

Steve: […] for you, Karl?

Karl: Yeah, I, I’m not keen.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Sorry, what, what, what clue was that?

Karl: Uhm, “We’ll have a big fire to-marrow.”

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: Bone marrow. Bone marrow, it’s genius. Let’s hear it, play the record.

Ricky: Oh… God!

Song: Van Morrison and Them – Gloria


The Boy Without A Brain

Song: The Free Association – (I Wish I Had a) Wooden Heart

Ricky: Right! What’s this, go on… tell ‘em, tell ‘em, Karl, go on, just get on with it ‘cause I’m, I just can’t believe what you just said.

Brief pause

Karl: What, what, what’re we doing, are we uh… final one…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, the last one, like I said…

Ricky: No! No, no, s—say the record. Say the record you played, go on.

Karl: I—it’s, it’s, it’s uh, Free Association…

Ricky: Yeah, brilliant, right.

Karl: “(I Wish I Had a) Wooden Heart.”

Ricky: Yeah, and what did you just say to me just before this was ending? He just looked, he just looked over at me and went, “Are there any animals without a brain?”

Karl: No, but hang on a minute…

Ricky: No, no, no, wait, right? And I went, “Yeah… there’s animals that are…” He went, “Oh, I was gonna talk about this but it’s sad. There’s a lad born without a brain, and he laughs a lot, and his hearing and his sight’s okay,” I go, “Well, that’s impossible. You c—, if, if he’s without a brain, all that is impossible,” and he went, “Well, it was in the… magazine.”

Steve chuckles

Karl: No, it was in a book that somebody sent…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …and I didn’t want to bring it up, ‘cause it is a bit sad, really, that this, you know, young lad, there’s a picture of him sat there with his mam, and uh…

Ricky: Wa—uh…Karl! Karl!

Karl: Forget it.

Ricky: He c—he c—it’s impossible.

Karl: Well.

Ricky: He can’t…

Steve: There must’ve been more to the story.

Ricky: He can’t not have a brain. Hearing and sight… is a concept within the brain…

Karl: It is, yeah.

Ricky: …that’s all it is, right…

Karl: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: …the ears are just receptacles.

Karl: I know.

Ricky: Yeah. So…

Karl: But that’s why it was in this book, it was a book of mysteries.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Karl, you know if you, if you, if you…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Karl, if you’re reading a book and you see a photo and you guess at what you think the story might be, that doesn’t make it true, that doesn’t make it fact.

Karl: No, I looked, I looked at it ‘cause I thought, “That looks like an ‘appy lad.”

Steve: Sure.

Karl: An’, an’ I read about it and I thought… “That’s weird… like you’ve said, the fact that he hasn’t got a brain but he can see and he can hear…”

Ricky: NO! Impossible!

Karl: Eh.

Ricky: I—impossible.

Steve whoops

Karl: Okay.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I, I don’t know who to believe.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Listen, uh, we haven’t done it for a while, White Van Man, I thought…

Ricky: Yeah, it’s back, it’s back.

Steve: …there’s some interesting questions raised today and I think it might be nice to just, uh…

Ricky: Yeah, I think we’ve set Karl up again in the last hour as a person that people wanna know…

Steve: Yeah, they wanna know what his thinking is on the world.

Ricky: …his opinions on the world, yeah. Yeah.

Steve: If you’re not familiar with it, uh, on Saturdays the Sun newspaper, uhm, asks a typical white van driver questions, uh, his opinions on the week’s news. And, uh, we thought we’d throw these in the direction of Karl. Ahm…

Ricky: Yeah. God.

Steve: …anyway, what do you make, ah, what do you make of, ah… this teenage thug, Karl, Mikey Carroll, who spent four months in jail and he’s won 9.7 million on the, uh, lottery? Is that justice? When you think of all the good people that are going hungry? And there’s a lad there and he’s won…

Karl: Did he buy the ticket before he went in?

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Uh, no, I think he bought it once he’d come out.

Karl: So he’s been—he’s done his time?

Steve: He’s done his time.

Karl: Fair enough, then, he’s, he’s been punished…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …right? He’s… bought a ticket, he’s had a lot of bad luck…

Steve: Mm hm.

Karl: …now he’s having a bit of good luck.

Ricky: Good answer. Next one?

Steve: Are you concerned now that he’s got all that money he could turn into, like, a sort of mastermind villain, you know, like a James Bond-style villain?

Karl: Mm.

Steve: He’s got a criminal streak, we know that.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Is that a concern for you, well, imagine that…

Ricky: Well, we don’t know…

Steve: …he could build some kind of underwater fortress.

Ricky: …we don’t, we don’t, with, with my lawyer’s hat on, we don’t know that.

Steve: Yeah, well.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right, go on.

Steve: Well, he’d have to prove that he didn’t have a criminal streak.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I’d say, “Have you been in jail for four months?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, but sometimes people are bad because they haven’t got any money so he might be…

Steve: Interesting point.

Karl: …an angel of gold now or whatever.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Steve: Uh… one in five children aged between 11 and 16 go on booze binge sessions at least once a week. That’s terrifying news, isn’t it?

Karl: Kids… they, they know, they know too much now.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Compared to you!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Listen to this one, right?

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Me, me dad had me niece in the car, right, running her to, to school one day. And, uh… she’s in the back of the car… with a mate… and they’re chatting away about stuff like kids do… ahm, and they got on to the topic of one of their mates who they said, I mean, you’ve got to remember, me niece, this point was probably about… five or six, something like that, right, in the back of the car talking about My Little Pony or whatever it is they play with. Uh, subject changed, uhm, “Oh, that Lisa in, uh, in our class, she’s a lesbian, in’t she?”

Steve: Right.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: That was the to—that’s what they were talking about here. Chatting away about it.

Steve: Just openly talking about lesbianism.

Karl: Yeah. And probably, you know, this is the topic that they’re talking about in the pub, when they’re having uh…

Steve laughs

Karl: …out drinking.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah. But they might’ve thought a lesbian was a, a, a, you know, a, a funny word or something, you know, there’s, they don’t necessarily know the ins and outs of it, do they?

Karl: It’s, it’s weird, though, innit, ‘cause when I was, when I was younger at school you didn’t, like, I mean you swore a little bit but it wasn’t like major swear words. And you sort of did a little bit of nicking but nothing like they get up to now. I mean…

Karl exhales loudly

Ricky: My, my, uhm, girlfriend, when she was about… seven or eight, she was walking to school with her mum, and she called her a c-u-n… right?

Karl: You are joking.

Ricky: No, she said, “Oh, you’re a…” ‘cause she thought it was a big, she said she thought it was a big furry animal. She thou—so she was being nice and her mum went, “Where’d you hear that? Where’d you hear that?”

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: “Just heard it at school.” So they, you know, they might not know what it means.

Steve: Well, I tell you, you know, uhm, I have to, I’m gonna have to use kind of euphemisms here to tell this story but when I was at school, I learned, you know the stronger version, it’s not the same word but it’s very similar with one letter changed, I’m gonna use “twit.”

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: You know the word I’m thinking of.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I’m, I’m gonna use the word “twit” to replace it, right? And I said, I went around…

Ricky: You’re thinking of “twat”?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: All right.

Steve: That’s what I’m thinking of. And, uhm… can I say it? Am I allowed to say it?

Ricky: No, of course not!

Karl: It’s weird, though, because…

Steve: Now hang on, wait, wait…

Karl: …some people from Cornwall use that like saying “twit.” So…

Steve: Well…

Karl: …if people are listening in Cornwall…

Ricky: I think a twit is a pregnant goldfish.

Karl: Well.

Steve: Well, uh, I, I learnt the, uh, I learnt the stronger version of “twit”…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …ahm… “twat”…

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: …for those that are unsure…

Ricky laughs

Steve: …uhm, I, I learnt this at school when I was, like, ten or whatever and I didn’t know what it meant, I thought it was just a stronger version of “twit.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I thought it was just if you’re really annoyed with someone ‘cause they were a real twit…

Ricky: ‘Cause “a” is worse than “i.”

Steve: Exactly, apparently.

Ricky: Look at Karl!

Steve: So, like, Karl would be a twit.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, uhm… and so I started using this at home ‘cause I didn’t realize what it meant. I started using this at home, “Oh, you twit, you’re a twit,” and saying it to my dad, “You’re a twit, you’re a t—,” you know… but not saying “twit.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And my dad didn’t know what it meant either.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That’s great!

Steve: Which I couldn’t believe. So he started using it as well! Right? So then we’ll be driving in the car, he’d be saying to my mum, “You stupid twit…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve mumbles incoherent cursing

Steve: …saying this to my mum…

Steve mumbles

Steve: …“Pull over, pull over, you’re gonna bump, you tw—!” saying this. Now I learnt at school from Mark Johnson what it really meant…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …stopped using it, obviously finding out it was quite an offensive word…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …couldn’t, I didn’t want to bring it up to my dad! I didn’t want to sit my dad down and say, “Dad, you know that word we’ve been saying?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “You know what it means?” So now to this day, I’ve never brought it up with him. So we’ll be driving, you know, I’ll be going home for Christmas, we’ll be driving around, he’ll be calling my mum that word…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: …left, right, and center! I think she knows, I think she’s just embarrassed. Or she’s just upset and she doesn’t know, “Why does he keep calling me this terrible word?”

Ricky laughs

Steve: But he’s the only one, I think, in our family who doesn’t know what it means and no one’s got the guts to say, I don’t know whether I should tell him this Christmas.

Ricky: Oh, what a twat!

Steve: I know!

Ricky snickers

Song: Suede – Animal Nitrate


Money For Old Rope

Ricky: Good to hear that one again.

Steve: Always good to hear that.

Ricky: Suede… “Animal Nitrate.” Karl was all flustered ‘cause there was no c—uh, uh, record set up and he’s getting all… tizzy. He’s been more worried about his competitions than sorting out, putting records on… ready.

Karl: Uh…

Ricky: What?

Karl: …I might have to swap Steve’s song for another.

Steve: Well, I’ll tell you what, you, uh, why don’t you carry on with your, uh, Educating Ricky section and I’ll have a look on the, uh, on the CD player.

Ricky: We’ll keep it going, Steve.

Steve: Yeah, you keep going.

Ricky: Go on. Go on, then, right, okay. We’ve had, we’ve had a, a few emails, uh.... anyone got it right, Karl?

Karl: Uhm…

Steve: (off-mic) Educating Ricky, Educating Ricky, that’s the final one. We’ve got to get that out of the way.

Ricky: We’ve got to get Rockbusters as well, though.

Steve: (off-mic) We always do that in the end.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Yeah, but we’ve only got five minutes left…

Ricky: Come on, just do Educating Ricky!

Karl: Right.

Ricky: (under his breath) Oh, God.

Karl: The, uh, the last one that we haven’t done…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …is, uhm, “He’s a bit of a noose-ance.”

Ricky: Go on, then.

Karl: Ahm… again, not, not really… not really that interesting.

Ricky: Thanks.

Karl: Ahm… no, well, again, I talk—I spoke to you in the week and they had much better things, like when I told you about Brian Blessed climbing Everest… and for some reason it made him, uh, it played havoc with his belly and…

Ricky: What?

Karl: …he followed through and he had to clean up…

Ricky: Shat himself?

Karl: …yeah, using, uhm, using ice and soil.

Ricky: Why did you tell, why are you telling me that Brian Bles—why, why… in what way is telling me that Brian Blessed shit himself once in any way educational?

Karl: Because I was saying how he’d, he’d, he was climbing Everest, right…

Ricky: Right?

Karl: …you’ve got to give it to him, he’s an actor an’ that but he, he gave that a go…

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: …right, it played…

Ricky: What’s the point of that, you’d say, wouldn’t ya?

Karl: …you’d say, “God, he’s, he’s,” you know…

Ricky: Oh, so he’s all right, I, me, me doing a boxing match, there’s no reason, it’s rubbish, but him climbing Everest and shitting himself…

Karl: Yeah, he, he did that…

Ricky: …is, is commendable.

Karl: …right, and he’s only gonna, like, go and do it again. He’s gonna climb it again.

Ricky: Yeah, but he might not shit himself this time.

Karl: Yeah, but what’s the point in going? Nothing’s changed up there.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, good point, yeah!

Karl: Once you’ve been…

Ricky: Well, it has, they’ve probably, uh… they’ve probably cleared it up by now. Right, but, uh…

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: …he’d slip on it.

Karl: I can’t even be bothered t—telling you this one ‘cause…

Ricky: Come on! Just do it, well, do it now!

Karl: Steve, how are we doing?

Ricky: No, no no, never mind that! Look, just tell me what that means!

Karl: Uh…

Ricky: “Oh, he’s a noose-ance!” Oh, this is so annoying, Karl, I’m gonna go mental. Talk!

Karl: (off-mic) Right. Right, right. Listen, I’m just putting this in here, right? (on-mic) Right, noose-ance, “He’s a bit of a noose-ance.”

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah.

Karl: Apparently, the old fella who used to hang people…

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: …uh…

Steve: (off-mic) 1700s?

Karl: …yeah, yeah…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …he used to be able to tell somebody’s weight just by looking at him. Right? Uhm… that’s a bit of a bonus fact.

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Steve: We’ll be the judge of that!

Karl: The thing, the thing that I wanted to tell you…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …is, uh… “money for old rope,” d’you know that saying?

Steve laughs

Karl: I ca—I can’t even be bothered.

Ricky: Yes, you’re gonna tell me now!

Steve: Come on, Karl!

Ricky: I mean it!

Karl: Right, basically, “money for old rope”…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …came from the, uh, right…

Ricky: What was all that about he could tell someone’s weight? What was that for?

Steve: That was a bonus fact.

Ricky: And Brian Blessed shitting himself, what are you… No, don’t you f—!… Tell me that now, you nearly made me swear then. Just, I’m getting really annoyed, I’m getting really f… annoyed now! Tell me this fact, Karl, or I’m gonna go mental!

Steve: Come on, Karl, time’s running out!

Karl: Lot of people—years ago, when people used to be… hung… right?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: If you didn’t like the person who’s been hung, you’d go, “God, I really don’t like him,” and te—and so you never forget the time…

Steve: Presumably if they’re being hung, we take that as read!

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, so they never forget afterwards, they get the hangman to get the rope, and to cut it up into little pieces and he’d sell them. He’d sell the little pieces of rope to people…

Ricky: See, the, that, Karl… that’s the most interesting thing, if it’s true, that you’ve come up with.

Steve: Right. Okay. And so what’s, what’s… they g—so they sell the rope…

Karl: They sell the rope, and it’s money for old rope.

Steve: Money for old rope.

Karl: Meaning, like, you know, “God, it’s easy to make money that, that all I have to do… is cut it up and sell it.”

Steve: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I’m cynical.

Steve: I’m not so convinced now!

Karl: Right, listen. We’re, we’re really tight, we haven’t even got time for the last track, we’ve got an ad break and we’ve gotta give out…

Ricky: Okay, give out the answers, then.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: This is ridiculous.

Karl: So.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Steve, d’you wanna pick a winner?

Steve: Uh, I’ve got a winner when you give us the answers.

Karl: Okay, so the first clue was, uh, that army has got some well nice trenches.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That was D.W.

Ricky: Who’s that?

Karl: Dandy Warhols.

Steve laughs

Steve: It’s brilliant!

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: It’s brilliant.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Yeah, it’s good, yeah. Okay.

Karl: Uh, the second one. The top of them curtains are wrecked…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …all the material is worn…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ...H.V.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That’s, uh, Holly Valance.

Ricky: Oh! He got a phone call… from a woman saying, “I’ve heard it,” and she went, she was, he was talking to her off-air, and she went… what is it? Uh, “So-and-so, it’s them curtains were—.” “Oh, right,” she said, “you know the things on top of the, uhm, curtain is a pelmet, not a valance,” and he went… “Cut her off.”

Steve chuckles

Karl: Yeah, but… my auntie’s always making valances on everything. I’ll tell you about that next week.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Right?

Steve: I’m looking forward to that story.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Is this the one that farted for five minutes?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, the very same.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? So, we’ll talk about that. Uh, I was in Texas, I tripped up, I landed on me knees in a puddle, W.H.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh, Wet-Knee Houston. Right?

Steve: Wet-Knee Houston.

Karl: Yeah. So…

Ricky: You’re a maniac.

Karl: …so, who’s the winner?

Steve: We’ve got Pete, Catherine, and Laura in Newcastle upon Tyne, they’re listening online, I assume, and uh…

Karl: Maybe on Sky Digital.

Steve: …there’s great prizes, remember, they’ve got loads of stuff, they’ve got a DVD, they’ve got “Linda Green,” they’ve got Stone Roses, they’ve got another compilation, and… “Executive Decision”!

Ricky: Where’d you read about Brian Blessed? Is it actually true or have you, uh, libelled someone else?

Karl: No, it was an interview… with him in it.

Ricky: And what did he say?

Karl: Oh…

Ricky: Come on, what did he say?!

Karl: He said, “I c—I climbed Everest and the, it played havoc with me belly,” uh… let’s talk about it next week, we’ve really run out now.

Ricky: Oh, you’re a fool, you…