10 November 2001/Transcript
NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show
Fly and Dope
Xfm 104.9. Steve just back announce that for us.
Yeah, from the album Princess Superstar is- that was Princess Superstar an Untouchable Part I. Did you enjoy it?
I really enjoyed it.
So I’ll tell ya why, it had two ingredients I look for in a record. It was both fly and dope.
High five, man.
You’re sweet, you’re sweet man.
Coming up, I’ve got my, um, film review.
Looking forward to it.
It’s a great one. It’s a great film.
We’ve got Song for the Lovers err, any minute now.
Probably loads more chat.
Yea. Yeaayeeaaaow. There will be. There will be.
PJ Harvey - This is Love
Ricky's Film Review
PJ Harvey. This is Love. Xfm 104.9. It’s the Ricky Gervais Show innit?
With Steve Merchant.
Yep. But you’re gonna keep quiet now, Steve. Because I’ve gotta do my- my world famous film review.
Looking forward to it.
Yeah. I know you criticise it 'cause you-
-say I do sort of like, films that aren’t on y'know, current release, or I sort of just do the plot.
But, you know.
Have you taken that criticism onboard?
This week’s “Ricky Gervais Film Review”-
Ricky and Steve make jingle sound effects
-is Jungle Book.
The Jungle Book?
That was made in what, 1968?
I don’t know but listen, shut up right. This is a good review right. For people who either have heard it or haven’t, y'know you might learn something.
Cuz it’s sorta my take on it.
Has the review begun yet or?
No. No. I’m gonna start from now yeah?
Right, the little kid. He’s in the jungle, right? But he knows the bear and the panther. They’re good friends but, it’s dangerous becaaause you gotta watch out, the tiger and the snake. Now the reason is they don’t mind him, but he’s human and he can make fire, they can’t. That’s why he’s sorta in demand even though they've conquered the power of speech they can’t make fire. But, and then, the orang-outang gets him. Now, he’s in trouble. But the bear puts coconuts on and makes himself look like it, then they fall off. They gotta get away, but then he meets, like, a girl and it’s… and then they're not, you know.
Haha. OK. Do you write these yourself?
You don’t get a professional to do it?
Okay okay. And what would you give that one out of five?
That’s a nine out of five. Strong review there. Strong film then for you.
And you recommend that for friends and family?
Just on video or DVD or in the cinema.
OK. Good. And the film again was?
Jungle Book. Jolly good. Alright. Thanks very much for that.
Well now it’s time for Song for the Lovers, this is The Smiths and Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me.
Good, okay, cool, yeayeayea, lovely.
Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me begins to play
-about the elephants.
Oh well that’s gonna ruin it for everyone, they won’t understand what you are talking about.
Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
Smiths. Lovely song, Last Night I Dreamed Somebody Loved Me.
Song for the Lovers there. On Xfm 104.9. Can’t believe I forgot the elephants. That is- that was key-
-element of the review, really.Yeah. Yeah.
Don’t let it get you down, Rick. I know how these things depress you before-
-when you’ve not done the film review the best you could. It kinda winds you up.
You stew about it. Um, played a beautiful song there. Uh, Song for the Lovers.
And uh, you know I do get depressed when I see people around who’ve got girlfriends and I think- You know, cuz I haven’t and I don’t know what’s the rule. We mentioned last week that fat bloke from Pop Idol. He’s got a bird, which annoys me, angers me. And um, this really depressed me; walking into Piccadilly Circus tube a couple nights ago. Homeless guy, wrapped up, unwashed. And uh, Northern.
And uh, he’s being spoken to by some kind of carer, you know some kind of worker who’s come to dish out stale sandwiches. And I just overheard as I was passing, him going “Well it’s very difficult to maintain a long distance relationship.”
And I sort- I lingered for a bit. I was thinking “What?!” And he was going “Yeah-“. Basically I pieced together that he’s got a girlfriend- He’s from Leeds- He’s got a girlfriend who’s also homeless, who’s homeless up in Leeds. And occasionally she kind of homelesses her way down to London.
I love the fact he’s traveled to be homeless.
I know! Pathetic. Oh, I angered that they’re could be-
Is there a lot of cheap housing in Leeds? Would that ruin it for him?
But it just- I assume she was squatting or something.
But it was like- It just depressed me because it was like, not only is he sort of like homeless, but he’s got a homeless girlfriend. Homeless people are finding love.
I mean it’s so- I’m mean that’s really depressing, Karl isn’t it? Unless they became smackheads together.
Karl. No. Karl’s found love on the street before, haven’t ya?
How’s it going with your bird Karl? Are you married? How long you’ve been out with her?
Cuz I mean, you’re quite a simple man.
You’re sort of a simpleton-
And in a nice way. You’re like Helen from Big Brother. You’re sort of nice enough but-
But I look normal.
Well, yeah, you sort of do. But you could be one of those that suddenly goes mental with a pen.
You know what I mean?
Just stab people through the eyes.
Yeah. Yeah, you sort of look normal. But if I- I wouldn’t really want to wind you up to a point of frenzy.
Do you- How did you met your girlfriend?
What through her work?
What you phoned up and said-
We worked at the same place.
Oh right right right.
You’re quite an enigma aren’t you? Could you give us more on that?
At work? You met her at work? What, she came in sellin’ sandwiches? She was going through the bins outside. What do you mean you met her at work?
Why are you having an attack on me? You’re the one who’s sad and lonely.
Oh he’s done you again! He’s done you again!
Yeah but what was interesting was I just scratched and he just went mental.
Yeah I know.
He was like a bear caught in a trap.
It’s funny innit? You’ll never learn.
No, I was just interested to find out what the story was. It might be a really romantic story.
Well, it’s not.
Alright. Jeez. I like the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about his love affair.
I was- I was thinking about you in the week. And like… Does it worry you- I mean you sort of joke about it now when we talk about it in the office. You know like “Is Steve really touchy about the way he looks?”
Oh ho ho ho. What’s this? Where’s that come from?
He’s done it again. He’s done you again.
Walking home the other night and I was thinking about it. And do you worry that when you’re old you will be on your own?
Ooo hoo! You did start it though, didn’t ya?
Well. Karl I’m glad you’ve brought this up.
No because I- for me, ya know- a lightweight frothy entertainment show on Xfm on a Saturday afternoon is exactly the place where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that’s inevitably coming my way.
Oh god, I tell you what would cheer you up, to forget about it all. A bit of Embrace
Oh oh, one of the most hated bands.
Song: Embrace – Make it Last
Song: Hives – Main Offender
Hives, Main Offender, before that Embrace, Make it Last -- I know you don't like Embrace much, but that's a nice tune.
They do cut a nice little chorus –
- and I think their heart's in the right place.
Yeah. Very nice. What, what - could you do better? I was mucking around...
That's always fair.
No no, I was thinking, there's not enough avant-garde stuff, and I just did this, right.
Ricky plays with mic
There's a little spring on the mic - what does that sound like? Does it sound good? I haven't got my headphones on. Does it sound good?
It sounds brilliant.
I was thinking of just doing that, and sending it to John Peel. Maybe with some samples of like politicians going "We will not t..aaar aar aaa"
I, I feel it's more a b-side,
-- at the moment, but I mean it's strong, yeah, you could work that up,
But that's without strings or anything, without -
Sure, that’s without, y’know, that’s just kind of a basic demo.
When you worked that up with a decent producer
Still coming, we've got Radiohead, we've got Ice Cu--
What are these fellas doing?
Erm there's a couple of..
It’s quite noisy; it’s just distracting.
Yeah, there's a couple of fellas behind us, um, taking pictures. Don't know why it takes two of them.
I think one of them just got, you know, a couple of hours out the office. They're from the, uh - what are you from? X-Mag?
X-Ray - what's X-Ray?
It's the Xfm magazine, Steve.
The Xfm what? Magazine?
Where where - is this available in shops?
Is it - it's just a giveaway thing, to..
It's kinda giveaway, bit of information on bands,
What gigs are coming up, other stations --
Right. How is it available?
Yeah, who gets it?
It's, it's in, er Top Magazines,
You're really selling it Karl, you're obviously a fan of the magazine.
I don’t wanna make it – th-this seems now like you've said "Let's pretend we don't know what it is, you sell it on air, make it sound really good".
I don't know what it is!
Well, I'll show you later.
And if people want a copy of it, they can go to the website and subscribe, and you get it for free.
And you’re gonna be in it.
And we're going to be in it!
I, I didn- I don't look my best, I don't dress for radio, you know.
And uh, you know,
Well, it's Ok, ‘cause I'm photogenic.
So I’ll, I’ll make up for whatever you, uh, lack.
I'll push you forward.
Rick, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we have some tickets to give away. Is your favourite band, Marc E Smith's The Fall?
It is, yeah, go on.
I thought it was, and is your favourite venue the Kentish Town Forum?
Ohh I'd see anything there –
If you –
I'd see The Fall anywhere, and I'd see anything there, so if you're telling me The Fall are there, we're not giving’m away Steve. I'd like those for m’self.
Rick, I'm just trying to remember if your favourite support act of late is "Schindler"?
Aww ...no I hate 'em.
I'm not going. Give them away.
Ok so the doors are at 7.30, doesn't say when it is.
Is it tonight?
I'm only joking, Schindler, I'm only joking by the way. To Schindler, to the lads in Schindler, if they think I'm being a little bit nasty.
It’s tonight, it's at 7:30, the tickets are £11.50 in advance, I'm assuming there's probably some still left, but we have some to give away - how many have we got to give away?
Three pairs is it? Um, have you -- talking of Schindler, you know the, the people that make lifts, or, I think, escalators as well
If you notice,
Like in the bottom of a lift, it always says "Schindler". It's always made by some organisation called Schi-- do you think it's the same Schindler, like from Schindler's list?
So it's Shindler's lifts.
And it was passed down wrong - "No, I didn't make a list”.
“No, I made lifts!”
Yeah, I don’t think—
“You're joking!” Spielberg was going "I've made a whole film about them!”
It was 3 hours, it was in black and white, for God's sake.
"Where’d you get the lift" - "There was no lifts in it! I thought it was a list you made".
“No, I made lifts". "Oh, I don't believe it".
Anyway, next time you're in a lift, check that out, that is true. Anyway, we've got 3 tickets for The, uh, Fall, sorry, 3 pairs of tickets for The Fall who are performing tonight, at the Kentish Town Forum, if you'd like to win them, here's a question for you - which Radio 1, rival station, which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall. If you know then you can get in touch on 087008001234.
Is it Zoe Ball. Is it Zoe Ball?
Uh, or it’s email@example.com.
Is it Chris Moyles? Is it Chris Moyles?
I – I don’t want to give it away.
Is it John Peel?
Don't want to give it away.
But two words for you –
Song: Radiohead - Paranoid Android
Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show Ad
Xfm would like to apologise for material broadcast on November the 8th on the breakfast show with Christian O'Connell. The show featured the comedian and author Ben Elton. Xfm would like to point out that during live interviews we cannot realistically expect to control the language and content of our guest's material. However Christian would like to offer a full and frank apology for the fact that Mr. Elton appeared to have overdosed on the arsehole tablets that morning. Christian would like you to know that the dullard will never be on again. We really are sorry.
It is indeed. We're just looking at the um, the Polaroids, the tests that photographers do.
I'm not at all happy.
No, d’y’know what I mean, though, it’s like, I kid m’self, I must walk around, it-it-it does take mirrors and photographs, and I go "Oh no, yeah, I forgot I look like that".
D’y’know ‘ I mean? Sorta like you – look at that. ‘Like a tree trunk.
Yeah - look at me Rick, there. That's always with me.
Ohhh. There was a bloke downstairs thought I was Johnny Vegas! He was goin’ I love those adverts with the monkey! I didn't have the nerve to say "I'm not him". At one point he actually said, “ I like that one where he hits you, and I went “Yeah”, he went "You doing anymore adverts?", and I went, "Yeah, I'm doing a couple more".
I just thought it's gone too far now, I can't say "I'm not Johnny Vegas".
Sorry, I'm not really listening Rick, ‘cause I want to say to you, can you get me more square on.
‘Cause square on I'm not s’ bad, it's from the side.
Yeah, the side looks bad.
Alright, calm down Rick! Jeez!
Yeah, yeah, we -
Karl what do you make of that - pretty face?
Yeah, this isn’t, this isn't great radio.
No it's not, you’re right.
I - I know we never do do great radio,
But this is really,
This certainly, this is some of the worst we've done.
We were talking um, before about uh Shindler's lifts.
Those people who just make one thing,
And they're famous for that, now do you think the monopoly commissions should investigate Armitage Shanks?
Because I've never seen another -
Never seen another sink or toilet made by anyone else.
No, did the, when did they take over this? Can you hear that clicking?
Yeah. Would you just stop just for a second while we're just, just doin’ –
‘Cause he can't talk ‘cause he's trying to make himself look so handsome!
Well exactly, I've got to keep strikin’ poses!
He’s straining to sort of look, normal!
I tell ya’ – I’ve just changed my mind, I wanna, you know the, you remember that George Michael video where he doesn't appear, he just gets supermodels to play him,
Or kind of replace him, can we do that, maybe instead? Just get a leggy blond in. That’d be fine.
In, in, inn our place, like 5 people –
Instead of "This is Steve".
"But he looks like 5 women!" “Yeah, no, that is Steve”.
And, so, you were talking about Shanks.
Yeah. Shanks. Armitage.
They cert- they've got it sewn up. They’ve certainly got it sewn up.
They have, haven't they?
When did they, like, get big?
I don't know who the Shanks people are, I don't think they make anything else though, I've never seen them making anything else other than lavatories, and sinks. They seem to have got that --
So, who, who went, “We are going to make, we’re gonna make so many urinals, there, there's going to be too many urinals, no one's going to have a look-in, when everyone, when anyone's out having a slash they're just going to be thinking –
-- Armitage Shanks"
But presumably there's someone called Armitage Shanks –
Who's got his name all over that. Whenever you meet him, you're just thinking, "I've had a waz".
On Armatige Shanks.
On Armitage Shanks. Is “waz a word we can – we can say "waz", can't we?
Yeah, or piss, or slash.
Either of them's fine. Ohhh.
Song: U2 - Walk On
U2, Walk On; see I like U2 again now, I liked them in the very early days, then I hated them for about 15 years, and then the last album, this, and beautiful day, I think "really good" - they've lost all their pomposity - don't you think?
I saw one of them saying that he thought this was the best album they've ever made.
I tell you what, I'm not going to argue with him, whoever it was, Steve.
Could well have been "The Edge", not sure, could have been Larry Mullen.
Real name, David Evans.
Really - interesting,err Rick, you may recall that some time ago we gave people the opportunity to win tickets to see The Fall performing live at the Kentish Town Forum this evening.
Supported by Schindler.
Schindler, I know you're a big fan of them, and we have some winners..
"I could have made more lifts."
The question I set was which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, we did have some wrong answers, wrong answers included, Gary Davis.
Oh imagine him in The Fall! oh that is brilliant.
Er Noel Edmonds.
And of course Ed "stewpot" Stewart.
Oh, what's happened to Noel Edmonds? what's happened to lovely Noelly?
Noel is just utterly doomed isn't he - no one will employ him now it seems.
Well, we don't know that, that's probably libelous.
How is that libelous?!
Well, he might, he might be turning down stuff, and therefore might be sort of be waiting for a big comeback with Noel's house party 2002 for all you know.
Oh no, you're right it is libelous, thanks for pointing that out Rick, in case there were any lawyers thinking "that's not libelous - no actually, good point".
Err so the winners are Mina, who's from Finland apparently, according to these notes here, err Mina has won.
Hold on why's that funny?
Well, how would she have called in from Finland?
Well no, when someone says where are you from, she might have been here for like a year, and well "Finland".
Well, I've embarrassed myself sorry about that Rick, thanks for tearing me apart, that was fascinating radio. Err.. Vinny's also won, he's from Surrey.
Ohh - imagine coming from Surrey!
And Tom Prince from Camden, what a great name, Tom Prince, they're all the lucky winners.
I think we've lost it, no it was really good, the first few weeks, yeah, and even the first hour, but this last 20 minutes, I feel that I've bored myself.
I think it's 'cos you keep picking me up on every single thing I say - it can't help, surely? and then if it's not you it's Karl having a go.
Yeah but he's more going for your looks, I'm more working on your personality.
So it's my fault now that the shows going downhill.
No but its like you know - we're sorta like your mentors, i'll be harsh - you're like Eliza Dolittle, and we've got lots of little stylists in , like they do with makeovers, or that Faking It. they get in like me and Karl, Karl's working on your looks, I'm doing your personality, we're going to get like stylists in, and you know, coaches, and then you have to do a date, and the woman has to, and there's 3 other blokes, and she has to work out what the freak amongst them is, and you've got to go no one voted for you as the freak.
Yeah, Rick, I've known you for 3 years, I don't think you're cut out for that job.
Song: Groove Armada – Super Stylin'
I Love The First Hour
Groove Armada - Super Stylin, Xfm 104.9, it's nearly the end of the show Steve, I'm going to try harder next week, I mean, it started off well, and then, I didn't get bored, I just couldn't concentrate.
I know what you mean, I mean, I thought I tried hard early on with the anecdotes, that embarrassed me, and which Karl just used as venom.
I had the funny bullshit t-shirt, and the you know.
Sure, and I had the woman walking around in my clumpy shoes.
I had washing with me, shirts.
Oh they were classic anecdotes, Rick.
I loved the 1st hour.
I loved the 1st hour, there should definitely be a show on Saturday evenings, on Xfm, with Kate Thornton.
Er Richard Blackwood.
Blackwood would be good.
Moyles in, going "oh the 1st hour, they used to.." that would be great wouldn't it?
Remembering the first hour, that would be lovely.
Oh amazing, and there's people taking our photographs, which I'm not happy with, to be honest, I'm going to have someone fired - I'm only joking- he's stopped!, I was only joking - oh I've offended someone, which I don't like to do, and then all the stuff about, lifts.
I'm worried because I didn't know that the photos were going to be taken, that we won't seem quite as hip and down with the kids as we thought we would, on account of wearing these tuxedos.
I'm telling you now that is ironic, we are down by law, this next track is Ice Cube, It Was a Good Day, it's err my selection for the hip-hop track, as you know we want to spread the word of..erm.
A lot of people don't seem to realise that hip-hop is music as well, and it's out there and it should be enjoyed by kids, and it's, at the moment it's quite an eclectic thing, you know, it's very underground-
-trying to bring it into the mainstream
Yeah, err and in this, you know, Cube says it was a good day you know, simple thing that he didn't use his AK, that's the sort of world he lives in, that's what he's trying to get across.
And it talks to you about your life.
Yeah respect man.
Song: Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day
Saturday Night Steve
Well, there you go, Ice Cube, It was a Good Day.
Yeah, yeah, well you've got a great song coming up as well.
I have indeed, it's the Song for the Ladies, Rick, we'll leave people with that, have you seen the film Magnolia?
It's one of the most underrated movies, it didn't get a single Oscar nomination. It's absolutely fantastic, breathtaking cinema.
Yeah it's fantastic.
Made by the guy that made Boogie Nights, absolutely fantastic, Tom Cruise is in it, loads of people, and the soundtrack is entirely written by Aimee Mann. now I don't know if she's normally the sort of person they play on Xfm, but she's a singer-songwriter of great skill, I think, and this is a song that features in one of the most breathtaking moments in the film.
It's amazing - it all brings it together - it won't come across obviously here, but nevertheless it's a great song.
It is a good song, it's called "Wise Up", we'll be playing that in a second, but otherwise Rick, that's it isn't it?
That is it, what will you be doing tonight Steve?
What will I be doing tonight, Rick, err, probably gonna be... staying in
Yeah, yeah - and doing what though?
Ooh err... watching some telly.. oh oh yeah.
Ooh that's not all if I know you - did I see a couple of cans of weak lager in your carrier bag.
I did sneak 'em in yeah.
You're not going to drink them both tonight though are you?
What are you? my mother?
Ok chill out, do what you want. Will you be...sleeping alone again?
If I play my cards right.
Will you be having a little tug, just to get yourself off to sleep?
I'll probably have a couple a couple a tugs, if there's something saucy on channel 5 I will.
Here's Wise Up, Aimee Mann, enjoy.
Song: Aimee Mann – Wise Up